Episode 32 - The Suicide
pc: 312, season 3, episode 15
Broadcast date: January 29, 1992
Written By Tom Leopold
Directed By Tom Cherones
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards ................. Kramer
Gina Gallego ....................... Gina
Mimi Lieber ........................ Rula
C.E. Grimes ........................ Martin
Howard Schecter ............... Doctor
Aimee Aro .......................... Faithy
Peggy Lane O'Rourke ...... Nurse
rc: Wayne Knight .............. Newman
The thing I dont understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they dont die and thats it. They stop trying. Why? Why dont they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact its worse because now theyve found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, thats why these people dont succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I saw, pills dont work, try a rope. Car wont start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? Theres nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.
JERRY: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
JERRY: What are you doing? Were going out for dinner in ten minutes.
ELAINE: Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?
GEORGE: Its George.
JERRY: Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. Youve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?
ELAINE: I dont know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?
JERRY: I think Ill take out the garbage.
ELAINE: Hey, have you ever fasted?
JERRY: Well, once I didnt have dinner until, like 9:00 oclock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage meets George) Hey, do me a favour will ya? Throw out my garbage for me.
GEORGE: Yeah, right.
JERRY: Come on, its just down the hall.
GEORGE: Give me two bucks. Ill do it for two bucks.
JERRY: Ill give you 50 cents.
GEORGE: Theres no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.
JERRY: Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drakes coffee cake
GEORGE: Youre not getting no Drakes Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, Im all set. I got the ticket. Im going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
JERRY: I dont get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
GEORGE: Its an incredible deal. I dont know why you dont come with me.
JERRY: Nah, I dont go for these non-refundable deals. I cant commit to a woman. Im not going to commit to an airline.
(Gina enters the hall)
GINA: How are you?
JERRY: Gina, do you know what a Drakes Coffee Cake is?
GINA: Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top.
JERRY: How much do they cost?
GINA: The junior?
GEORGE: No, no the full size.
JERRY: No, no the junior.
GEORGE: You didnt say "junior".
GINA: I havent had one of those since I was a little girl.
JERRY: Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters the hall) How ya doing?
MARTIN: Good enough.
(MARTIN leaves with Gina)
JERRY: Boy shes sexy isnt she?
(Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramers apartment and knocks on the door. As he and George enter Jerrys apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.)
JERRY: Do you believe that guy?
ELAINE: What guy?
JERRY: My neighbour:
ELAINE: Oh, that creepy guy?
JERRY: Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her?
GEORGE: He didnt seem too pleased.
ELAINE: Maybe Ill get a steak with french fried onion wings.
GEORGE: hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.
JERRY: Whats so amazing? Youve seen him before.
GEORGE: I havent seen him for months.
JERRY: What was the dream?
GEORGE: I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.
JERRY: I think Ive played there.
GEORGE: Ive had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.
JERRY: Youre a little paranormal
ELAINE: Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic.
ELAINE: Uh uh, you should go some time.
GEORGE: Id love to go. Make an appointment.
JERRY: Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?
GEORGE: I just got fired.
JERRY: Alright, come on, lets get out of here.
ELAINE: I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.
JERRY: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.
JERRY: Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.
[Jerrys apartment late at night there is knocking at the door]
JERRY: Who is it? Who is it?
GINA: Its Gina.
GINA: Martines girl friend.
GINA: You next door neighbour.
JERRY: Oh, Martin!
(Jerry opens door)
GEORGE: Its Martine. I think hes dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.
GINA: Come on.
JERRY: In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
GINA: We dont have enough time.
JERRY: Itll take two seconds.
GINA: There is no time.
JERRY: We dont have two seconds?
GINA: All right. Go ahead.
JERRY: Nah, forget it.
GINA: No, go ahead.
JERRY: Nah. Ill just wear the pajamas.
GINA: Will you just get it.
JERRY: Are you sure?
GINA: Forget it. Come on.
JERRY: Nah, Ill go get the robe.
[Metropolitan Hospital Center]
JERRY: Thats not too bad. Its not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.
GINA: You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.
JERRY: Really? Its over?
GINA: I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a mans hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy.
JERRY: Oh boy, did he say anything about me?
GINA: He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drakes Coffee Cake.
JERRY: He said that?
GINA: He was screaming about it all night. How its too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.
JERRY: Im sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.
GINA: I wasnt.
JERRY: You werent?
GINA: No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me?
JERRY: Of course.
GINA: Tell me everything.
JERRY: Are you sure he cant hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.
GINA: I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him.
JERRY: I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how theyre going to look at a thing like this.
GINA: I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead.
JERRY: No, I just wanted to see what time it was.
GINA: Are you afraid of him?
GINA: Then kiss me.
GINA: Yes, right here.
JERRY: Is this the proper venue?
GINA: You dont want to?
JERRY: No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.
GINA: Then kiss me right in front of him.
JERRY: I cant. What if he wakes up?
GINA: A man is lying here unconscious and youre afraid of him? What kind of a man are you?
JERRY: A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guys got a coma going like this
you dont want to mess with it.
KRAMER: Did you hear about Martin?
JERRY: Yeah, I heard.
KRAMER: I cant believe hes in a coma.
KRAMER: Hes got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?
JERRY: Who told you about Martin?
KRAMER: Newman! Hes good friends with him.
JERR: Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.
KRAMER: Hes got all of my attachments, you know.
JERRY: Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?
KRAMER: What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian?
JERRY: You know I dont get that whole suicide machine. Theres no tall buildings where these people live? They cant wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?
KRAMER: So whats going on between you and Gina?
JERRY: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night.
KRAMER: Uh, uh.
JERRY: So were in the room and shes trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
KRAMER: Uh, uh, you see thats the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?
KRAMER: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you dont have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
JERRY: I didnt know what the coma etiquette was.
KRAMER: There is no coma etiquette. You see thats the beauty of the coma, man. It doesnt matter what you do around it.
JERRY: So youre saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, its all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.
KRAMER: Id give him 24 hours to get out of it. They cant get out of it in 24 hours, its a land rush.
JERRY: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, hes thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, theres nothing left?
KRAMER: NOTHING LEFT! Thats why Im trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebodys going to grab it.
[The psychics apartment]
RULA: Martins spirit came to you as a warning.
ELAINE: Why would he come to George?
RULA: Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE.
GEORGE: I knew it. I always felt different.
RULA: You are. Some coffee cake?
GEORGE: Did you buy this for me?
RULA: No, why?
GEORGE: Ha, because I love Drakes Coffee Cake.
RULA: Maybe I did.
ELAINE: Take it away.
GEORGE: She hasnt eaten in two days.
RULA: Whos Pauline?
GEORGE: Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.
RULA: Do you think about her?
GEORGE: When I hear her name mentioned.
RULA: Cut these with your left hand.
GEORGE: There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.
RULA: I see an Audrey, but with a small nose.
GEORGE: Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?
RULA: Not in this life.
ELAINE: Should you be smoking?
RULA: Does it bother you?
ELAINE: Youre pregnant.
RULA: I smoked when I had Faisy.
RULA: Ah oh.
GEORGE: Ah oh? What? What Ah oh?
RULA: I dont know about this trip George.
GEORGE: You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?
ELAINE: Its really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.
GEORGE: Elaine, shes a psychic. She knows how the kids going to be.
GEORGE: Should I not go on this trip?
RULA: George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me.
ELAINE: Now listen. I just dont know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth.
GEORGE: Elaine, what are you doing?
ELAINE: Its disgusting.
RULA: I DONT BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave.
ELAINE: Oh fine, I dont like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.
RULA: Get the hell out.
GEORGE: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
RULA: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando.
GEORGE: If you dont say anything I will assume its a plane crash.
RULA: Get out.
GEORGE: Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a plane crash?
GINA: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.
JERRY: You can say what you want about me but Ill be damned if Im going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.
GINA: It is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?
JERRY: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.
GINA: Who are these Stooges you speak of?
JERRY: Theyre a comedy team.
GINA: Tell me about them. Everything.
JERRY: Well, theyre three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.
GINA: You will show me The Stooges?
JERRY: I will show you The Stooges.
JERRY: Well, I dont really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.
GINA: Come, you walk me to a cab.
JERRY: Well, uh, I uh, I dont want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe its not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.
GINA: Youre still afraid. You are not a man.
JERRY: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
GINA: Are you going to walk me to a cab or not?
JERRY: Yeah, all right. All right.
(Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman)
KRAMER: You should just eat fruit.
NEWMAN: I cant eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.
NEWMAN: Hello Gina. Hello Jerry.
JERRY: Hello Newman.
[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]
JERRY: Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.
GEORGE: People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didnt hurt me.
ELAINE: (jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move?
JERRY: Boy, its a good thing we came.
GEORGE: Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe theres native unrest.
ELAINE: Hi, I havent eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.
NURSE: Well call you.
JERRY: George, I want you to promise me something. If Im ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage.
GEORGE: How come?
ELAINE: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?
JERRY: Shes really hungry.
KRAMER: Well, Newmans upstairs visiting Martin.
GEORGE: Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?
KRAMER: Youre not going?
KRAMER: Why not?
GEORGE: The psychic said something terrible will happen.
KRAMER: I dig.
[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martins room]
KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, shes going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, shes going to kill me.
NEWMAN: He cant hear you, you idiot. Why dont you just buy another one.
KRAMER: Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?
NEWMAN: I have a carpet sweeper you can use.
KRAMER: I dont want a carpet sweeper. They dont do anything.
NEWMAN: It gets my rug clean.
KRAMER: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
NEWMAN: Well, you should take a look at my rug then.
KRAMER: I wouldnt set foot in your house.
NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.
JERRY: Hows he doing?
KRAMER: He looks happy to me.
NEWMAN: I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.
JERRY: Why wouldnt he?
NEWMAN: No reason.
JERRY: Hell have a lot of catching up to do, I guess.
NEWMAN: Ill bring him up to date.
JERRY: How up to date?
NEWMAN: Oh, all the way up.
JERRY: And nothing could change your mind?
NEWMAN: Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn.
KRAMER: Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. Hes not going.
NEWMAN: I dont care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..
JERRY: Drakes Coffee Cake
NEWMAN: Wow, where did you get that?
JERRY: From my house. I got a whole box of them.
NEWMAN: Boy, thats the full size.
JERRY: Thats your big boy.
NEWMAN: Can I have a bite?
JERRY: I dont give out bites. I got another one. But Im saving it for later.
NEWMAN: Just one bite?
JERRY: I dont think so. You know they, theyre so fragile.
NEWMAN: All right! All right. I wont say anything.
JERRY: You swear?
NEWMAN: I swear.
JERRY: On your mothers life?
NEWMAN: On my mothers life.
KRAMER: oh oh oh oh oh
[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]
ELAINE: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.
(George sees the Psychics girl, Faisy and follows her into the Psychics room))
sweetheart, no come here,
RULA: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)
GEORGE: how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.
RULA: The nurse said she would be right back. Theyre supposed to take me into the delivery room.
GEORGE: Oh, thats great. Thats great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I dont even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldnt get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..
RULA: Oh, wheres the nurse
GEORGE: I dont know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why dont you get a nurse for mommy?
Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip.
RULA: Dont take that trip.
GEORGE: Yeah, why? Why?
RULA: (screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.
Dx: All right, Rula, its time to go.
GEORGE: Because? Because?
(Elaine enters Martins room)
ELAINE: Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this!
Drakes Coffee Cake?
Give me that.
NEWMAN: Jerry, you better stop her or Ill tell.
JERRY: Elaine! No! No!
MARTIN: Ooooh, ahhhh,
(In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth)
GEORGE: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
(Martins room Martin grabbing Jerry Elaine eating the Drakes Coffee Cake)
NEWMAN: He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.
KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner!
NEWMAN: It was disgusting.
JERRY: What are you doing? Were going out to dinner in ten minutes.
GEORGE: I never assisted in a birth before. Its really quite disgusting.
JERRY: What did she name the kid?
GEORGE: You wouldnt believe it. Rasputin.
GEORGE: when did you get back?
KRAMER: A couple of hours ago.
GEORGE: So how was it?
KRAMER: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.
KRAMER: They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
JERRY: Woah. (hitting George)
KRAMER: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.
JERRY: Wow! (hitting George)
KRAMER: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson
JERRY: Oh! (hitting George)
KRAMER: We played Backgammon in the nude.
JERRY: Oh! (hitting George)
KRAMER: Shes a sweet kid.
JERRY: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!
KRAMER: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. Thats probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.
GEORGE: Yeah, you gotta watch for the jellyfish.
KRAMER: Whats this?
JERRY: Oh, its an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina.
KRAMER: They moved in together?
JERRY: Yeah, its some place down in the village.
ELAINE: Its Elaine.
JERRY: All right were coming down.
KRAMER: Hey, where ya going?
JERRY: Were taking Elaine to dinner. Shes got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?
KRAMER: Um, Id like to but a bunch of us from the islands, well be getting together.
GEORGE: Elle McPherson going to be there?
KRAMER: OH! I got to call her back.