Episode 8 - The Jacket
pc: 205, season 2, episode 3
Broadcast date: February 6, 1991
Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
Directed By Tom Cherones
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards ................. Kramer
Lawrence Tierney ................ Alton Benes
Frantz Turner ....................... Salesman
Susanne Spoke ..................... Customer
Harry Hart-Browne ............ Manager
INT. COMEDY CLUB NIGHT
(Jerry is on stage, performing.)
JERRY: I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I cant stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think eventually fashion wont even exist. It wont. I think eventually well all be wearing the same thing. Cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where theres people from the future or another planet, theyre all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided, This is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots. Thats it. We should come up for an outfit for Earth. An Earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits. No speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, That was nice. I could wear that.
INT. CLOTHING STORE
(Jerry is talking to a SALESMAN. Elaine is also there, holding a book.)
JERRY : I think Ive seen enough.
SALESMAN: Well, I might have something in the back.
ELAINE: The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, theyd put it out in the front.
JERRY: Why dont they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, Just Back. All back; No front. You walk in the front, youre immediately in the back. (Jerry picks up a tie display, and shakes it rhythmically from left to right.) Look, Elaine, tie carwash.
(Elaine laughs. A CUSTOMER approaches, and notices the book Elaine is holding.)
CUSTOMER: Oh, I just read that. Thats terrific.
JERRY: (pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that.
CUSTOMER: Alton Benes is your father?
CUSTOMER: I always felt he deserved a wider audience.
ELAINE: Im not so sure he wants one.
ELAINE: Hey, dont forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight oclock.
JERRY: I guess Im coming. I mean...
ELAINE: What? What, you dont want to go now?
JERRY: No, Ill go. Im going.
ELAINE: No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I havent seen my father in a while and... you know...
JERRY: Im worried I wont be able to talk to him. Hes such a great writer. Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.
ELAINE: So, thats why were not together anymore.
(Jerry pulls the invisible dagger Elaine just stabbed him with, out of his back. A jacket on a rack catches his eye.)
JERRY: What is this?
(He takes the jacket off the rack.)
JERRY: This is beautiful. These jackets never fit me right.
ELAINE: Try it on.
(Jerry puts on the jacket. Elaine feels the material.)
ELAINE: Wow, this is soft suede.
JERRY: This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.
(Elaine grabs the tag.)
JERRY: How much is it?
ELAINE: (shocked) Oh my God.
JERRY: Bad? (Elaine nods.) Very bad?
ELAINE: You have no idea.
JERRY: I have some idea.
ELAINE: No idea.
JERRY: Ive got a ballpark.
ELAINE: There is no park and the team has relocated.
JERRY: Let me see that. (Jerry looks at the tag.) That is high.
ELAINE: Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though.
(Jerry opens up the jacket and looks at the lining.)
JERRY: Whats with the pink lining and the candy stripes?
ELAINE: Well, its just a lining. You can always have it changed.
JERRY: Should I get it? I hate these moments. Im hearing the dual voices now, you know, What about the money? Whats money?
(The salesman returns from the back.)
SALESMAN: It looks wonderful on you.
INT. JERRYS APARTMENT MORNING
(Jerry is sitting on his couch wearing his new jacket over his pyjamas. He gets up to look at his jacket in the mirror. Kramer enters.)
KRAMER: Hey. New jacket?
JERRY: What do you think?
KRAMER: Its beautiful.
JERRY: Is it me?
KRAMER: Thats definitely you.
KRAMER: Thats more you than youve ever been. Hey, what is with the pink lining?
JERRY: I dont know. Its got a pink lining.
KRAMER: Oh... So, what did you pay for this?
JERRY : I paid what it costs.
KRAMER: How much?
JERRY: Whats the difference?
KRAMER: What, youre not gonna tell me?
JERRY: Id rather not say it out loud. Its embarrassing.
KRAMER: Over three hundred?
JERRY: Yes, but lets just stop it right there.
KRAMER: Its over four hundred?
JERRY : Really, Im not answering anymore.
KRAMER: Is it over four hundred?
JERRY: Would you?
(Kramer finds the tag hanging off the mirror.)
KRAMER: Woah, Nelson!
JERRY: I know, I know.
(Kramer walks over to Jerrys old jacket, hanging by the door.)
KRAMER: What are you gonna do with the leather one?
JERRY: I dont know.
KRAMER: Well, are you gonna wear it?
KRAMER: Youre not going to wear this.
JERRY: Do you want it?
KRAMER: Well, yeah. Okay. Ill take it. I like the jacket.
(Jerry considers giving up the leather jacket.)
JERRY: Okay, take it.
KRAMER: Heey, good karma for you. (Kramer puts on Jerrys old jacket and stands next to Jerry, looking in the mirror.) Oh baby.
INT. JERRYS APARTMENT
(Jerry is sitting on the couch. George enters.)
GEORGE: (singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm/Tells a saucy talk/Loves to make a stir/Everyone appreciates a...
JERRY: What is that song?
GEORGE: Oh, its from Les Miserables. I went to see it last week. I cant get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. Im singin it on elevators, buses. Im singin it in front of clients. Its taken over my life.
JERRY: You know, Schumann went mad from that.
GEORGE: Artie Schuman? From Camp Hatchapee?
JERRY: No, you idiot.
GEORGE: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you callin me an idiot?
JERRY: You dont know Robert Schumann? The composer?
GEORGE: Oh, Schumann. Of course.
JERRY: He went crazy from one note. He couldnt get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.
GEORGE: Really? (Jerry nods his head) Well, what if it doesnt stop? Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! All right, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject. Lets just go, All right? I cant believe were having dinner with Alton Benes.
JERRY: I know exactly whats gonna happen tonight. Im gonna try and act like Im not impressed, hes gonna see right through it.
GEORGE: Yeah, hell be looking at us like hes backstage at a puppet show.
JERRY: Let me just get my jacket.
(Jerry enters the bedroom.)
GEORGE: (singing) : Master of the house/Keeper of the inn... (Jerry re-enters the living room and modestly models his new jacket for George. George is impressed.) This is huge! When did this happen?
JERRY: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, its with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I mightve been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.
GEORGE: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
GEORGE: Its fabulous.
JERRY: I know.
GEORGE: And Ill tell you something else, Im not even going to ask you. I want to know. But Im not gonna ask. Youll tell me when you feel comfortable. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry coyly ignores Georges questions, while George grows increasingly serious.) Over six? Cant be seven. Dont tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what youre saying to me? You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket?! I wont say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! All right, fine. (George heads for the door.) Im walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry remains silent.) Oh, ho! All right! Ill tell you what, if you dont say anything in the next five seconds, Ill know it was over a thousand.
(George gets ready with his watch. Enter Kramer.)
KRAMER: (to Jerry) Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid?
JERRY: Well, what kind of solid?
KRAMER: I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while its double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds.
KRAMER: Yeah. A friend of mine, hes a magician. Hes going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves.
JERRY: So take a cab.
KRAMER: They wont take a cage full of birds.
JERRY: I cant. Im on my way out. Theres no way I can do it.
KRAMER: George, do me a solid? Two minutes.
GEORGE: Well, Im going with him. Id like to... Ive never done a solid before.
KRAMER: All right... Yeah. All right, have a good one.
JERRY: (scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years.
INT. HOTEL WESTBURYS LOBBY NIGHT
(Jerry and George enter.)
GEORGE: (singing) Master of the House/Quick to catch your eye/Never wants a passerby to pass him by...
(Jerry points to his head with a crazy gesture.)
JERRY: Schumann. (George stops himself, frightened. Jerry looks around the lobby.) Where are they?
GEORGE: Maybe he didnt show up.
(George starts to leave the hotel.)
JERRY: What, you dont want to do this?
GEORGE: I dont think theres ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. (George notices an elderly man in a leather chair.) Wait a second, is that him?
JERRY: Yeah, I think it is. (They walk toward the man. Jerry hesitates.) Wheres Elaine?
GEORGE: Im nervous.
JERRY: (to the man) Excuse me. Mister Benes?
JERRY: Im Jerry, Elaines friend, and this is George.
(George offers his hand to Alton.)
GEORGE: Its a great thrill to meet you, Sir.
(Alton starts hacking. George withdraws his hand. Alton gestures to a couch beside the leather chair.)
ALTON: Sit down. Want a drink?
(Jerry and George sit.)
(Alton summons the waiter, who approaches.)
ALTON: Whatll you have?
JERRY: (to waiter) Ill have a cranberry juice with two limes.
GEORGE: And, Ill have a club soda with no ice.
BENES: Ill have another Scotch with plenty of ice.
(The waiter exits.)
GEORGE: You like ice?
GEORGE: I said, do you like ice?
ALTON: Like it?
GEORGE: Dont you think you get more without it?
ALTON: Wheres Elaine?
JERRY: Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. Shes usually pretty punctual. Dont you find that, George?
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. Shes punctual... and uh shes been late, sometimes.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Sometimes shes on time, and... sometimes shes late.
GEORGE: I guess... (chuckles) today shes late.
JERRY: It appears that way.
(Jerry and George look at the door, anticipating Elaines arrival.)
ALTON: Looks like rain.
GEORGE: I know, I know, thats what they said.
ALTON: Who said?
GEORGE: The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.
ALTON: I dont need anybody to tell me its gonna rain.
GEORGE: No, of course not. I didnt-
ALTON: All I have to do is stick my head out the window. (The waiter returns with the drinks, and distributes them to the men.) Which ones suppose to be the funny guy?
GEORGE: (pointing at Jerry) Oh, hes the comedian.
JERRY: Im just a regular person.
GEORGE: No, no. Hes just being modest.
ALTON: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. Theres nothing funny about that.
(Jerry and George turn to the door again. Pause. Jerry gets up.)
JERRY: Would you excuse me a minute? Im gonna go to the bathroom. Ill be right back.
(George holds on to Jerrys jacket, but he pulls away and exits. George is alone with Alton.)
GEORGE: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant.
GEORGE: Yea, well, maybe some parts.
ALTON: (defensive) What parts?
GEORGE: The... drivel... parts. Oh my gosh, I just realized I have to make a phone call. I-I cant believe- Would you-
INT. HOTEL WESTBURYS BATHROOM CONTINUING
(Jerry is washing his face. George enters.)
GEORGE: Thank you for leaving me alone with him!
JERRY: That was brutal. I cant go back out there.
GEORGE: Well, lets just leave.
JERRY: Elainell kill me.
GEORGE: Where is she?
JERRY: Shes gotta be here soon.
GEORGE: How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and thats it! Im leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me.
JERRY: The waiter was trembling!
GEORGE: If she doesnt show up, we cant possibly have dinner with him alone.
JERRY: How are we gonna get out of it?
GEORGE: Well say were frightened and we have to go home.
JERRY: Yeah, thats good. Hed clunk our heads together like Moe.
GEORGE: I dont know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. Hell understand that.
INT. COMEDY CLUB NIGHT
(Jerry is on stage, performing.)
JERRY: All fathers are intimidating. Theyre intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, To hell with the world, I can make my own people. Ill eat whatever I want, Ill wear whatever I want, and Ill create whoever I want.
INT. HOTEL WESTBURYS LOBBY NIGHT
(Jerry and George return from the bathroom.)
ALTON: (to George) Whod you call?
GEORGE: (improvising) My uh uncle is having an operation. I just wanted to see how he was.
ALTON: What kind of operation?
GEORGE: Bone marrow.
(The hotels MANAGER approaches.)
MANAGER: Mister Benes?
MANAGER: A message for you.
(The manager hands him a message written on a piece of paper. Alton reads it to himself.)
ALTON: From Elaine. She got tied up. Shell be here in thirty minutes.
(Jerry and George freeze.)
INT. HOTEL LOBBY LATER
(Alton is in the middle of a rant.)
ALTON: Yeah, they shouldve taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in fifty-three.
JERRY: Well, Guatamala...
GEORGE: Sure, Guatamala...
(Alton gets up.)
ALTON: All right, you boys get yourselves together. Well head up to the restaurant. Ill leave a note for Elaine. Im going to the bathroom.
GEORGE: Come on, lets go!
JERRY: What about Elaine?
GEORGE: To hell with Elaine!
JERRY: Shell be furious.
GEORGE: Were dying here!
JERRY: Thats her! Shes here!
ELAINE: Im sorry. Im so sorry. Where is Dad?
GEORGE: (contemptuously, imitating Altons voice) Hes in the bathroom.
JERRY: (to Elaine) Where have you been?!
ELAINE: Kramer! That... Kramer! Im just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds...
JERRY: Oh, you didnt...
ELAINE: Well, he said hed drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! He doesnt come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. Hes a city marshal. Hes towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car. So, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet... So, were wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now were running down the street after these doves; I almost got hit by a bus! (Elaine sits in Altons chair and takes a deep breath.) So hows everything going over here?
GEORGE: Couldnt be better.
ELAINE: Good. Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable.
JERRY: Oh, no, no.
GEORGE: Get outta here..
ELAINE: Man, Kramer! I could kill him!
JERRY: I cant believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer.
ELAINE : He said hed give me a lift.
JERRY: Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the sirens song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist?
GEORGE: Where do you come up with this stuff?
ALTON: Well, look whos here.
ELAINE: Oh, hi, Dad.
ALTON: Hello, dear.
(Alton kisses Elaine.)
ALTON: Whos the lipstick for?
ELAINE: No one.
ALTON: Hows your mother?
ALTON: How about you? Are you working?
ELAINE: Yeah, Im reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times.
ALTON: Pendant! Those bastards. Well all right, boys. Well go to that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street. Youre not afraid of a little spice, are you?
(They all head for the door. Jerry and George trail behind a little.)
GEORGE: (singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open...
ALTON: Pipe down, chorus boy.
(Alton glares; George gets embarrassed. Elaine looks out the window.)
ELAINE: Ohh... its snowing. Its beautiful.
JERRY: (to George) Snow. Snow, that cant be good for suede, can it?
GEORGE: I wouldnt think so.
JERRY: What should I do? (to Alton) Uh, were taking a cab, arent we?
ALTON: Cab? Its only five blocks.
GEORGE: (to Jerry) Why dont you just turn it inside out?
JERRY: Inside out! Great.
(Jerry turns his jacket inside out, exposing the pink stripes. Alton stops him before Jerry can leave the hotel.)
ALTON: Wait a minute. What the hell do you call this?
JERRY: Oh, I turned my jacket inside out.
ALTON: Well, you look like a damn fool!
JERRY: Well, its a new suede jacket. It might get ruined.
ALTON: Well, youre not going to walk down the street with me and my daughter dressed like that. Thats for damn sure.
(Jerry looks to George.)
GEORGE: Its uh, it's only a few blocks.
INT. JERRYS APARTMENT NIGHT
(Jerry is heading out. The intercom buzzes. Jerry presses the first button.)
JERRY: (to the intercom) Elaine?
JERRY: Come on up.
KRAMER: Ive gotta feed the birds.
KRAMER: You got any of those mini Ritzes?
(Jerry reaches up, and pulls some mini Ritzes from atop his refrigerator. He examines the box.)
JERRY: I cant believe I do.
KRAMER: Yeah! Well, are you going out?
KRAMER: Hey, wheres your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. Its ruined.) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom, and sees the garment.) Ohhh. What did you do to it?
JERRY: I was out in the snow last night.
KRAMER: Dont you know what that does to suede?
JERRY: I have an idea. (Elaine enters; to Elaine) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema Three.
ELAINE: Okay. (to Kramer) Hello. (to Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time.
JERRY: Is he still in town?
ELAINE: No, hes driving back to Maryland tonight.
(Kramer is holding a sleeve of the suede jacket.)
KRAMER: So, uh... what are you gonna do with that one now?
JERRY: I dont know.
KRAMER: (smiling) Well...
ELAINE: (to Jerry) I didnt want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.
KRAMER: You gonna throw this out?
JERRY: Well, I cant wear it.
ELAINE: Yeah, he like you though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.
KRAMER: (to Jerry) Well, if youre just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it.
JERRY: Yeah, go ahead, take it.
ELAINE: Dad thinks George is gay.
JERRY: Oh, because of all the singing?
ELAINE: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
(Kramer returns from the bathroom, wearing the ruined suede jacket.)
KRAMER: Hey, see, I like it like this.
(Elaine points at the jacket Kramer is wearing.)
ELAINE: Isnt that...? (Jerry nods.) Oh, is this from the snow last night? (Jerry nods.) Ugh... you know what you shouldve done? You shouldve turned it inside out.
JERRY: Ill try and remember that.
(Kramer is holding Jerrys old leather jacket.)
KRAMER: Boy, its too bad you gave me this one too.
JERRY: Yeah, too bad.
(Kramer opens up the suede jacket.)
KRAMER: Im gonna have to do something about this lining.
INT. ALTONS CAR NIGHT
(Alton is driving home.)
ALTON: (singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm...
INT. COMEDY CLUB NIGHT
(Jerry is on stage, performing.)
JERRY: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I dont get this. Arent cows outside most of the time? I dont understand it. When its raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, Let us in, were all wearin leather. Open the door! Were gonna ruin the whole outfit here! Is it suede? I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I cant have this cleaned. Its all I got!