Episode 7 - The Pony Remark
pc: 202, season 2, episode 2
Broadcast date: January 30, 1991
Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
Directed By Tom Cherones
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards ................. Kramer
Rozsika Halmos ................. Manya
David Fresco ....................... Isaac
Scott N. Stevens ................. Intern
Earl Boen ............................. Eulogist
rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld
rc: Morty Seinfeld ............... Barney Martin
rc: Len Lesser ....................... Uncle Leo
INT. COMEDY CLUB NIGHT
(Jerry is on stage, performing.)
JERRY: My parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didnt want to move to Florida, but theyre in their sixties, and thats the law. You know how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old peoples house with a golf cart, jump out, Lets go Pop, white belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there. Drop it! I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit there, and the conversations so boring. Its so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think, What if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would it be like? Just crashed right through the glass. You know. Come back in, theres broken glass, everybodys all upset. No, Im all right. I was just a little bored there. And uh no, Im fine. I came back. I wanted to hear a little more about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Lets pick it up right there.
INT. JERRYS APARTMENT DAY
(Jerrys father, Morty, is watching television. His mother, Helen, is ironing his fathers jacket.)
HELEN: You have so many nice jackets. I dont know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? Whats wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you cant wear this!
(Jerrys phone rings. Helen goes into the bathroom)
MORTY: Are you getting that?
HELEN: I thought you were getting it.
MORTY: Should I pick up?
HELEN: You want me to get that?
MORTY: Ill get it!
HELEN: Ill get it!
(They both go for the phone; Helen gets to it first.)
HELEN: Hello?... Hello?
(She hangs up. Jerry enters, wearing baseball clothes and carrying a bat and glove.)
JERRY: (to Morty) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street!
(Jerry picks up the remote and turns off the TV.)
MORTY: So, howd you do?
JERRY: We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! Well be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment in my life.
HELEN: This is your greatest moment? A game?
JERRY: Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.
MORTY: You know what my greatest moment was, dont you? Nineteen-forty-six. I went to work for Harry Flemming and I came up with the idea for the beltless trenchcoat.
HELEN: Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party?
JERRY: Well, the mans an individualist he worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what hes doing.
HELEN: But its their 50th anniversary.
MORTY: Your mother doesn't like my taste in clothing.
HELEN: You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go.
JERRY: First of all, I made plans with Elaine.
HELEN: So bring her.
JERRY: I dont even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, Ive met them three times in my life.
MORTY: I dont know her either. (gesturing to Helen) She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.
HELEN: At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then youll leave.
MORTY: How come he gets to leave?
JERRY: If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. Hes always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess its because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
MORTY: And its always about Jeffrey, right?
JERRY: Yeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.
KRAMER: Morty, are you coming in?
MORTY: Oh, yeah. I forgot all about it.
KRAMER: (to Jerry) Hey, howd you do?
JERRY: We won. Were in the finals on Wednesday.
JERRY: (to Kramer and Morty) What is this about?
KRAMER: Im completely changing the configuration of the apartment. Youre not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.
JERRY: What are you doing?
KRAMER: Yeah, Im getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And Im going to build these different levels, with steps, and itll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.
JERRY: You drew up plans for this?
KRAMER: No no. Its all in my head.
MORTY: I dont know how youre going to be comfortable like that.
KRAMER: Oh, Ill be comfortable.
JERRY: When do you intend to do this?
KRAMER: Ohh... should be done by the end of the month.
JERRY: Youre doing this yourself?
KRAMER: Its a simple job. Why, you dont think I can?
JERRY: Oh, no. Its not that I dont think you can. I know that you cant, and Im positive that you wont.
KRAMER: Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber.
MORTY: Hey, thats some big job.
JERRY: I, dont see it happening.
KRAMER: Well, this time, this time youre wrong. Cmon. Ill even bet you.
HELEN: I dont want you betting. Morty, dont let him bet.
KRAMER: A big dinner with dessert. But Ive got till the end of the month.
JERRY: Ill give you a year.
KRAMER: No no no. End of the month.
JERRY: Its a bet.
(They pinkie swear to lock the deal.)
INT. MANYA & ISAACS APARTMENT EVENING
(Jerry sits between Uncle Leo and Elaine. Elaine is sitting at the kiddie table, lower than everyone else. Helen and Morty sit across from Jerry. Manya and Isaac sit at the head of the table. Other guests are present as well.)
JERRY: (to Elaine) Seriously, do you wanna switch chairs?
ELAINE: No, no. Im fine.
(Uncle Leo grabs Jerrys arm.)
UNCLE LEO: Jerry, are you listening to this?
JERRY: Yeah, Uncle Leo.
UNCLE LEO: So, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation.
JERRY: Right. For the reducing of the pond scum?
UNCLE LEO: No, for the walking tours.
JERRY: Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life. The edible foliage tour.
UNCLE LEO: Thats exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours hes talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls?
JERRY: Mickey Mantle?
(Uncle Leo is confused by this comment.)
ELAINE: (saving Jerry from Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? (to Manya) These peas are great!
JERRY: (eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
ELAINE: Mmm... phenomenal peas.
MORTY: Are you ready for dessert?
JERRY: Well, actually, we do have to kind of get going.
MANYA: (surprised) Youre going?
ELAINE: Oh uh, I dont really eat dessert. Im dieting.
JERRY: Yeah, I cant eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I cant dance.
MANYA : Cant dance?
HELEN: Hes kidding, Manya.
MANYA: Is that a joke?
HELEN: So, did you hear Claires getting married?
MANYA: Yeah, yeah..
HELEN: I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers.
JERRY: Horses? Theyre like big riding dogs.
ELAINE: What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies...
JERRY: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.
MANYA: (angry) I had a pony.
(The room goes dead quiet.)
JERRY: Well, I didnt uh really mean a pony, per se...
MANYA: When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony... So, whats wrong with that?
JERRY: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressing...
HELEN: Should we have coffee? Whos having coffee?
MANYA: He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him.
JERRY: Well, Im sure you did. Who wouldnt love a pony? Who wouldnt love a person that had a pony?
MANYA: You! You said so!
JERRY: No, see, we didnt have ponies. Im sure at that time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars..
MANYA: Thats it! I had enough!
(Manya gets up from the table and exits.)
ISAAC: Have your coffee, everybody. Shes a little upset. Its been an emotional day.
(Isaac exits. Everyone looks at Jerry.)
JERRY: I didnt know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrants going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sittin on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesnt make sense. Am I wrong?
INT. JERRYS APARTMENT DAY
(Morty and Helen are collecting their luggage.)
JERRY: Ill drive you to the airport.
HELEN: No, were taking a cab.
JERRY: I just hope that whole pony incident didnt put a damper on the trip.
HELEN: Dont be ridiculous. It was a misunderstanding.
MORTY: Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony.
JERRY: Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her Im sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible.
HELEN: You know, you should give Manya a call.
JERRY: Maybe I will.
(Jerry opens his door. Kramer is standing in the hallway.)
KRAMER: Oh, hi. I uh just came to say goodbye.
(He points to the bags.)
KRAMER: Need any help with those?
MORTY: Its nothing. I got it. So, how are your levels coming along?
KRAMER: Oh, well... I decided Im not gonna do it.
JERRY: (laughing) Really? What a shock.
HELEN: Goodbye, Jerry.
JERRY: Take care.
HELEN: Well call you.
MORTY: Bye, Jer.
JERRY: Bye, Dad. Take it easy.
MORTY: Bye, Mr. Kramer.
KRAMER: Yeah. So long, Morty.
(Morty leaves. Jerry closes the door. He and Kramer enter the kitchen. )
JERRY: So, when do I get my dinner?
KRAMER: Theres no dinner. The bets off. Im not gonna do it.
JERRY: Yes, I know youre not gonna do it. Thats why I bet.
KRAMER: Ya well, theres no bet if Im not doing it.
JERRY: Thats the bet! That youre not doing it!
KRAMER: Yeah, well, I could do it. I dont wanna do it.
JERRY: We didnt bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done.
KRAMER: And it could be done.
JERRY: Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if its done! Show me the levels! The bet is the levels!
KRAMER: I dont want the levels!
JERRY: Thats the bet! (The phone rings; Jerry answers it.) Hello?... No- oh, hi... (Kramer leaves) no, they just left... Oh, my God... hang on a second. Maybe I can still catch em. (Jerry goes over to the window and opens it; calling out the window) Ma! Ma! Up here! Dont get in the cab! Manya died! Manya died!!
INT. JERRYS APARTMENT LATER
(Helen and Morty are back with Jerry.)
HELEN: Who did you talk to?
JERRY: Uncle Leo.
HELEN: And whens the funeral?
JERRY: I dont know. He said hed call back.
MORTY: You know what this means, dont you? We lost the Supersaver. Those tickets are non-refundable.
HELEN: She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless...
HELEN: What? Nothing.
JERRY: You dont think... What? The pony remark?
HELEN: Oh, dont be ridiculous. She was an old woman.
JERRY: You dont think that I killed her?
MORTY: You know what the flight backll cost us?
JERRY: It was just an innocent comment! I didnt know she had a pony!
MORTY: Maybe we can get an army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.
JERRY: The whole thing was taking out of context. It was a joke. (The phone rings.) Thats probably Uncle Leo.
(Helen picks up.)
HELEN: Hello?... Yes, I know... Well, its just one of those things... Sure, sure, well see you then.
(She hangs up.)
HELEN: The funerals Wednesday.
JERRY: Wednesday? What, what Wednesday?
HELEN: Two o clock, Wednesday.
(Helen looks at Jerry.)
JERRY: Ive got the softball game on Wednesday. Its the championship.
HELEN: So? Youre not obligated. Go play in your game.
JERRY: I didnt even know the woman.
HELEN: So dont go.
JERRY: I mean I met her three times. I dont even know her last name.
HELEN: Jerry, no ones forcing you.
JERRY: I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? Thats what I want to know. I mean, its the championship, Im hitting everything.
HELEN: I dont have a dress to wear. (to Morty) And you. You dont have anything.
MORTY: I got my sport jacket.
HELEN: Youre not wearing that to a funeral.
MORTY: Whats wrong with it?
HELEN: It looks ridiculous.
MORTY: What? Im gonna buy a new sport jacket now?
JERRY: I dont know what to do.
MORTY: (depressed) You know what this funerals gonna wind up costing me? Oh boy!
INT. COMEDY CLUB NIGHT
(Jerry is on stage, performing.)
JERRY: We dont understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you cant stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I dont see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, lets make up our mind where we think theyre going.
INT. MONKS DINER DAY
(Elaine and Jerry sit across from George at a booth.)
ELAINE: I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What times your game?
JERRY: Two Forty-Five.
ELAINE: And what times the funeral?
JERRY: Two o clock.
ELAINE: How long does a funeral take?
JERRY: Depends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes.
ELAINE: So you cant do both?
JERRY: You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldnt expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand.
ELAINE: How can you even consider not going?
GEORGE: You know, Ive been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which Ill ever have the opportunity to have sex again. Hows it gonna happen? I just dont see how it could occur.
ELAINE: You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how Im actually gonna die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that.
GEORGE: They always make me take stock of my life. And how Ive pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it.
JERRY: I know, and then you say to yourself, From this moment on, Im not gonna waste any more of it. But then you go, How? What can I do thats not wasting it?
ELAINE: Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Cant you have coffee with people?
GEORGE: You know, I cant believe youre even considering not playing. We need you. Youre hitting everything.
ELAINE: He has to go. He may have killed her.
JERRY: Me? What about you? You brought up the pony.
ELAINE: Oh, yeah, but I didnt say I hated anyone who had one.
GEORGE: (to Jerry) Whos going to play left field?
GEORGE: Bender? He cant play left. He stinks. I just dont see what purpose is it gonna serve your going? I mean, you think dead peole care whos at their funeral? They dont even know theyre having a funeral. Its not like shes hanging out in the back going, I cant believe Jerry didnt show up.
ELAINE: Maybe shes there in spirit. How about that?
GEORGE: If youre a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think shes gonna wanna hang around Drexlers funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
ELAINE: George, I met this woman. She is not traveling to any other dimensions.
GEORGE: You know how easy it is for dead people to travel? Its not like getting on a bus. One second. (snaps his fingers) Its all mental.
JERRY: Fifty years they were married. Now hes moving to Pheonix.
ELAINE: Phoenix? Whats happening with his appartment?
JERRY: I dont know. Theyve been in there since, like, World War II. The rents three hundred a month.
ELAINE: Three hundred a month? Oh, my God.
INT. FUNERAL HOME DAY
(The eulogy is in progress. Jerry is in attendance.)
EULOGIST: Although this may seem like a sad event, it should not be a day of mourning. For Manya had a rich, fulfilling life. She grew up in a different world a simpler world with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I understand, she eve had a pony. (Jerry throws up his hands.) Oh, how she loved that pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. Its lustrous coat, its flowing mane. It was the pride of Krakow.
(Jerry sinks in his seat.)
INT. FUNERAL HOME LATER
(Jerry and Elaine are talking to Helen. Jerry checks his watch.)
JERRY: Well, the games starting just about now.
HELEN: It was good that the two of you came. It was a nice gesture.
(Morty is talking to his NEPHEW on the other side of the room.)
NEPHEW: Im not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. Im just an intern. I cant write a note to an airline.
MORTY: Youve got your degree. They dont care. They just want to see something.
(Jerry is talking to Isaac.)
JERRY: I just wanted to say how sorry I was...
(Uncle Leo interrupts.)
UNCLE LEO: Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. Theyre transferring him to Riverside - so hell completely revamp that operation, you understand?
UNCLE LEO: Hell do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. More money. So, thats your cousin.
(Morty is still talking to his nephew.)
MORTY: You dont understand, Ive never paid a full fare.
(Jerry and Elaine talk to Isaac.)
JERRY: Once again, I just want to say how sorry I am about the other night.
ELAINE: Oh, me too.
ISAAC: Oh, no no no. She forgot all about that. She was much more upset about the potato salad.
ELAINE: So, I understand youre moving to Phoenix?
(Jerry shakes his head and walks away.)
ISAAC: Yeah, my brother lives there. I think Manya wouldve liked Phoenix.
ELAINE: Mmm, gorgeous, exquisite town. So, whats happening with your apartment?
ISAAC: Of course its very hot there. Ill have to get uh air conditioner.
ELAINE: Oh, you can have mine. Ill ship it out to you. (Isaac isn't listening to Elaine) But what about that big apartment on West End Avenue?
ISAAC: Although they say its a dry heat.
ELAINE: Dry, wet... (trying to get through to him) whats happening with your apartment?
ISAAC: I dont even know if I should take my winter clothing.
ELAINE: I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and Ill watch it for you and Ill live there and Ill make sure that nothing happens to it.
ISAAC: Oh, the apartment. Jeffreys taking the apartment.
ELAINE: Oh, Jeffrey.
JERRY: You know Jeffery?
ELAINE : Yeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department.
(Helen approaches Jerry.)
HELEN: Its raining.
(Jerry goes to the window.)
JERRY: Its raining? Its raining. The game will be postponed. Well play tomorrow.
(Back to Morty and his nephew.)
MORTY: Believe me, I wouldnt bother you if the army hadnt closed that base in Sarasota. Here, scribble a little something here.
NEPHEW: I cant. Ill get in trouble.
MORTY: Oh, for Gods sake!
INT. MONKS DINER DAY
(George, Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a table. Jerry and George are wearing baseball uniforms.)
GEORGE: Who gets picked off in softball? Its unheard of.
JERRY: Its never happened to me before.
ELAINE: I remember saying to myself, Why is Jerry so far off the base?
JERRY: Ill have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
(George consults his stat sheet of the game.)
GEORGE: And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?
JERRY: I thought there were two outs.
ELAINE: I couldnt believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.
JERRY : It was the single worst moment of my life.
GEORGE: (smiling) What about Sharon Besser?
JERRY: Oh, well, of course. Nineteen-seventy-three.
ELAINE: Makes you wonder, though, doesnt it?
JERRY: Wonder about what?
ELAINE: You know... (looking up) the spirit world.
JERRY: You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
ELAINE: I never saw anyone play like that.
JERRY: But I went to the funeral.
ELAINE: Yeah, but that doesnt make up for killin her.
GEORGE: Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.
JERRY: Dont you think she woulda heard I was there?
GEORGE: Not necessarily.
JERRY: Who figures and immigrants gonna have a pony?
INT. COMEDY CLUB NIGHT
(Jerry is on stage, performing.)
JERRY: What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police dont use them for, you know, crowd control. (Jerry crouches down, and makes like hes riding a pony.) Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! Hey, little boy. Yeah, Im talking to you. Behind the barricades! So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldnt it? Just have a little pony and you put him on the... Baltic, thats two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right there. Baltic. Yeah, thats it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there.