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Newsletter

*Note: All back issues have been editted by 13erla
These edits have been done to help combat email spam

August 26, 2001
Special Edition

Seinfeld on Live with Regis & Kelly

Ok, so as a Newsletter team, we try to look out for each other, and for you our subscribers.  We do our very best to locate every SEINFELD & Jerry moment we can and report it to you as best as we can.  A great example of this would be our word-for-word reporting of Jerry on Dave Letterman earlier in the year, which was markedly his first public entertainment appearance since the show ended and since he did his HBO Comedy Special- I'm telling you for the last time. 

Well apparently we were wrong in one respect.  Jerry actually had a public appearance prior to Dave Letterman in March.  Back in May, I acquired the most revolutionary electronic product I've ever seen in my life, it's called TIVO.  It digitally records anything and everything I specify, based on my likes and preferences.  It even prioritizes my preferences so it will naturally record the higher priority show or appearance.  So you can guess who's at the top of my priority list.  Yup- I just use the keyword Seinfeld, so it will catch anything and everything Seinfeld or Jerry related and automatically record it for me. 

Thank God for TIVO!  This morning when I woke up I saw that my TIVO had recorded Live with Regis & Kelly.  Now, that happens to be one of my favorite daytime talk shows, so I record it everyday... however, my TIVO recorder had highlighted this particular show, and I couldn't figure out why until I saw that the guest on today's show was Jerry Seinfeld.  WOW!!!  Now, my initial thought, obviously, was that Jerry would be on the show, perform some of his new standup, and then talk about this summer tour of Standup comedy performances, who several of our writers (including myself) have seen in person.  Well, my initial thought was as far from correct as I could get.  These pretzels are making me thirsty, and this report must be making you curious.  Well, here's the real deal.

Jerry was the featured guest on the syndicated
LIVE WITH REGIS & KELLY on NBC (9AM Eastern Time).  This show originally aired On January 24, 2001, live from Las Vegas, NV at the newly renowned RIO HOTEL.  The place was packed, the show was phenomenal, and Jerry fulfilled a lifelong dream for Regis Philbin by guesting on his show.  This was the first time Jerry had ever been a guest on Live with Regis, even though Regis' show was featured in "The Opposite," when Kramer promoted his coffee table book.  But the coincidences just keep on comin'. 

At that time, Regis had not officially named a new cohost, and was still shuffling through a host (no pun intended) of guest cohosts.  That day, his cohost and long time friend was none other than Mary Hart... now although she never actually appeared in a Seinfeld episode, true Seinfan diehards will recall that she was actually featured in an episode.  Recall Episode 36- The Good Samaritan:  Kramer began to have unexpected and unexplained seizures upon hearing the voice of a certain ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT coanchor... and that anchor was none other than Mary Hart.  Well, as you will soon see from the word-for-word recreation of that segment, that storyline was taken from an actual event in real life bearing a strange resemblance to the events of that episode of Seinfeld. 

Anyway, true Seinfans, I hope you enjoy and appreciate this exciting appearance by Jerry, roughly 2 months after Sasha was born back in January.  At that time, Jerry had also received one of the most prestigious awards anyone in the acting community can receive, as you will see from this telecast.  It should also be noted that Mary Hart, on behalf of ET, had just recently covered, what was then the recently aired Golden Globe Awards, for which Jerry was obviously a no-show considering that Seinfeld is off the air.  ALSO, please keep in mind, for the purpose of some of the jokes, that Jerry is talking to a crowd in LAS VEGAS (trust me that'll make more sense as you read on).  SO... ENJOY


(9 minutes into the show)...

REGIS:  We've got a very good show for you, but let's bring him out right now.  Yesterday he received the most prestigious Award the NATPE (National Association of Television Programming Executives) convention can offer, it's the chairman's award; he's one of the biggest stars in TV of ALL time, and MY FAVORITE... JERRY SEINFELD.

(Applause, Jerry enters amidst thunderous applause and a standing ovation by a crowd at least 10 times the size of any studio audience for the taping of a show, live or delayed... along the way, he gets to slap high 5's with a group of the now "debunk" XFL cheerleaders, who are decked out in black leather outfits, he waves and gives a half bow to the audience).

JERRY:  Hey Reege.

REGIS:  Hey Jerry, how ya doin buddy?

MARY:  Hey Jerry.

J: Good to see you.

R:  Jerry's here, look at this. (Applause)... Yes Jerry

J:  (Points to the cheerleaders) You mean to tell me they found these girls right here in Las Vegas?

R: Yeah, isn't that funny?

J:  What a talent search they must have done.  Really, under every rock.

R:  Anyway, congratulations on the most prestigious award...

J:  Thank you.  Thank you.

R: ...Yes absolutely.  Well what you have done as a individual, your outstanding contributions to our business.

J:  (Straight face) mm hmm, mm hmm

R:  Now...(laughter) what were you thrilled to receive this award?

J:  Finish your thought..

R:  Well I mean look Johnny Carson, Lucille Ball, some of the giants in our business.

J:  No Really, it was really a great award, cuz ya know I'm not a great award show person.  I don't really go for that kind of competitive thing ya know where, see cuz the basic idea of the award show is to tell a bunch of people that we think you might be the best.  We don't know for sure, until we get you on TV, because if it turns out that you're not the best, we all wanna see the look on your face when you get the news.

R: (Laughs) That's right.

J:  That's what those shows are.

R: Yeah sure.

M:  But Jerry I have to tell you we missed you at the Golden Globes, and we did last year too it's been a couple of years since you've done it.

J:  Yes it has.

M:  And it was always fun to get you up on the platform.

J:  I did have some... you call it a platform I notice.

M:  Well that's what it is, you know it's our glorified red carpet aloft.

J:  Most people in showbusiness call it a stage.

M:  Well we're a little different.

J:  Probably was like a construction term is the platform.

R:  Well let's take a look at some of the things you had to say to them after you received the award.

J:  Yes.

R: Alright?

J:  Alright.

R:  Here's Jerry getting his award yesterday.

J:  Notice what I'm, notice what I'm wearing.

R:  Yesterday at night.

CUT TO VIDEO CLIP OF JERRY receiving and accepting his award.  As for the comment about what he's wearing- he's wearing the same exact clothes at that ceremony as he wore with Regis and Mary.  Now he's wearing a casual brown shirt with a white t-shirt underneath (it's slightly showing above his brown shirt, which to me is a waste cuz it sits in the drawer for months and then only gets 2 inches of exposure on its one day out).  He's also wearing blue jeans, brown suede casual shoes (not white tennis shoes).. and the piece d' resistant... He's actually wearing, I kid you not... a brown suede sport jacket, and his confidence level has to be so high... and I will readily admit now that the inner lining DOES NOT have candy stripes on it.  So here's Jerry accepting his award.

JERRY:  Actually, amazing.  It's my first breakfast award (laughter)... I uh, I was free for dinner I don't know if any of you were.  Certainly would've been happy to come in a little later, even lunch (laughter), I could've done.  I wish we could've done it at 7 in the morning, I would've been a little fresher.  But uh (he laughs), I guess they wanna get you back out in the casino by 10:30 (More laughter)


CUT BACK TO JERRY with REGIS & MARY.

R:  Alright Jerry.  Congratulations on that award (they shake hands).

J:  Thank you.

R:  Hang around.  We'll be right back with Jerry Seinfeld, in just a moment.

APPLAUSE.

FADE IN FROM COMMERCIAL:  We see a scene from "The Puffy Shirt," where Jerry first appears wearing the puffy shirt and has to explain to Elaine that he agreed to wear it when he couldn't hear what the low-talker was saying (I won't requote that, you've all seen the episode). 

APPLAUSE

R: Ya know, hard to pick a clip, they were all classic shows, you know how we feel about the show.  But the PUFFY SHIRT, that was something else.

J:  That was a good one.

R:  Now do you still have that puffy shirt?

J:  No I don't.

R: Shouldn't you have that?

J:  It's at the Smithsonian.  (LAUGHTER).  No.

M: What does happen with all of those things?

J: I kept it.  I have the WHOLE SET.

R: There could be a Seinfeld Museum.

J:  I have it in my house.

R:  Do you really?

J:  Yes.

M:  You have that big a house?

J:  I do the show whenever I miss it.

M:  Oh (LAUGHTER)

R:  Do the whole thing over again.  Alright, lots of changes, let's get into it now.  Now we know that married Jessica, and living happily ever after.

J:  Yes.

R:  But the big event just happened recently, baby Sasha came to the Seinfeld house.

J:  Yes.  (APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

R:  Now I'm sure everybody he meets says, 'Oh my God, Jerry Seinfeld, after all those years of watching you as a bachelor on television, how has marriage and fatherhood changed Jerry Seinfeld?'

JERRY stares at him with a bizarre look on his face.

R: Do you change a diaper?

J:  I have changed a diaper, but ya see, ya never know what's gonna be in a diaper.  It's really a CRAP SHOOT, when you open that up (LAUGHTER), you don't know what... but I think the life of the baby seems to be the ultimate level of humanity.  I mean I think of all, you're getting babies ready to live, but I think what they are right now... I mean if I could go to the bathroom in my pants (LAUGHTER), and then be held up by my heels and wiped and wet toweled, and then snapped into a miniature superhero costume... (LAUGHTER)

R: Sounds great

J: ...made out of terry cloth, I mean what could be better than that?

M: I know you love Superman, does he have, does she have a Supergirl outfit or Superwoman or anything like that? 

J:  No, she's only 2 months old.  I mean...

M:  You gotta get with it..

R:  But you see, I see a new TV series... here, here's the second series.  SEINFELD: THE MARRIED YEARS, then Jerry as a dad in the third installment, ya know?

J:  (Glares at Regis) No I don't see that.  No I don't see that.

M:  Is Seinfeld ever gonna come back Jerry?  Will Seinfeld ever come back?

J:  Well, uh, it's still on.  Ya know, it's still on in syndication.

M:  But reunion shows are the biggest thing in television right now.

J:  When those people's careers go in the toilet (LOTS OF LAUGHTER & applause)... that's when...

R: You'll have the reunion.

J:  Yes.

R:  Now how old is Sasha?

J:  2 months.

R:  2 months, now does she recognize you?  When you're looking over her, does she look up at you and...?

J:  Yes she looks up.  (LAUGHTER)

R:  Smile?

J:  She smiles, yeah, it's the greatest thing in the world.

R:  Does she look like you or Jessica?

J:  Uh, we talk about that a lot... and she looks more like Jessica... but it's not over yet (LAUGHTER), ya know there's plenty of time to go, I could come out from the rear.

R:  Are you enjoying it?

J:  Yeah it's, it's really the most uh... ya can't describe it, I was saying to somebody it's the first time you realize how your parents feel about you, you realize...

R:  Yeah, that's right.  In the beginning.

J:  And now I see why my parents are crazy (LAUGHTER).

M:  But do you find yourself wearing cotton a lot because the stuff washes off more easily, all the spit up.

J:  No, no I wear a lot of velvets and Gaberdeens (LAUGHTER)

M:  It just stays there for life.

J:  I wanna look good for the baby.

R: Sure.

M: That's great.

R:  You want the baby to be comfortable.

J:  Yes I want that baby to go 'my dad's a helluva dresser.'

R:  Now do you talk about the baby, you were working on a standup as I understand it, playin' the various clubs.

J:  I am working on it yeah.

R:  And you're honing some material about fatherhood in there.

J:  I talk about all kinds of things in there, you know me.

R: Yeah. Absolutely.

J:  Yeah.

M:  Jerry, did you get to a point where you were really missing it?

J:  THe comedy?

M:  Yes.

J:  Yes, I took a year off after the show, I didn't do anything.  Absolutely nothing, and what I found out is that you can get actually quite busy doing nothing... to the point that the idea of doing anything, which you know could lead to doing something, which then cuts into doing nothing, and then you have to drop everything.  (MAJOR LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE).

R: You just can't win.

J:  NO.

R:  Now, you know that, remember when Kramer had that episode where he had developed a coffee table book that included the coffee table?

J:  Yes.

M:  Yes.

R:  That was my little fling on the Seinfeld show.

J:  That's right yes.

R:  But Mary Hart, also had a part on that as well.

J: Yes

R:  Weren't you responsible for...

J:  It wasn't the same episode?

R:  No no no, but you were responsible for some uh, reaction that Kramer had.

M:  Well the weirdest thing happened to me... I got a call one morning that a woman in New England was having epileptic seizures hearing my voice on television, and you took it and ran with that Jerry, and I felt terrible.

J:  Yeah we took that, we loved that.

R: Well what did they do with it Mary, what did they do?

M:  Well, Kramer proceeded to have convulsions every time, he was falling over everything like he always does, but it was really bad, and I keep hearing...

J: Now what happened to that lady?

M:  Well I called her up and she died... (LAUGHTER)... no, she did not really die, not really, not really  (JERRY & REGIS LAUGH).

R (to Jerry):  Are you satisfied now?  (LAUGHTER).  Are you happy now?

J:  Yeah, now I'm happy.

M:  But you know, I really, I I said watch something else, anything else.

R:  But it was funny watching Kramer go through all of that... Mary Hart (does a mock Kramer impression).

M: (Sarcastic) Oh it was really funny.

J:  Yeah it's one thing to be a little abrasive, it's another thing to put someone out.

R:  That's right.

J:  Just take 'em right out with your voice.

R:  Now when we come back we're gonna have a little quiz because I am admittedly the foremost Seinfeld show fan.  I love it, Joy (Regis' wife for those of you who don't watch) and I watch it every night, still do.

J:  Now you know, it's coming on at the time you used to like in New York City.

R: That's right.  In New York City they're moving it back to 11:00 on Channel 5, and we'll give you that date in just a moment, looking forward to that.  Right now I'm TIVOing it so we play it back at 11:00.

M: So you really are a complete Seinfeld junkie?

R:  I am, I know more about the show than Jerry.

M:  Do you follow him around town?

R:  No I don't have to, I just watch it.

M:  I mean do you lurk behind Seinfeld on the streets of New York?

J: (Determined) I I don't think so Regis.  (Much in the same way he said to George "I don't think so," when George wanted to be his latex salesman). 

R:  When we come back you're (Mary) gonna give us a quiz.

M:  I am.  I will.

R:  Jerry and I will take on "Who Knows Most about the Seinfeld Show?"  Back in a moment, from Las Vegas.

APPLAUSE

NOW, a NOTE:  Before I get to this final section of this segment between Jerry and Regis, I decided to spruce it up a little more.  I'm going to deliver this segment word for word as well.  As you can see, this is a Seinfeld Trivia quiz between Jerry and Regis.  Only here's the catch.  I'm not going to give you the answer.  I will give you all the dialogue, and I will tell you who wins, but I won't give you the answers... because these questions will also be my TRIVIA questions for this newsletter.  And for those of you who are true Seinfeld fanatics... if Jerry answers these questions right, you better do the same.  I will retype these questions in the actual TRIVIA section when you get to it.  So on with the show:


FADE IN from COMMERCIAL:

We see a scene from "The Kiss Hello."  One of the funniest and most famous Seinfeld scenes ever captured on a film reel.  Here it is, and this one I will do word for word.  Jerry, who is fed up with the "kissing hello," of Elaine's chiropractor/friend and all these women tenants in his building is standing by his front door, lambasting Kramer for starting this stupid idea of posting everyone's name and picture on the bulletin board in the lobby of their apartment.

JERRY:  And I tell you another thing Cosmo Kramer, of whatever you wanna be called... the kissing thing is over, there's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.

KRAMER grabs Jerry's head, and plants a kiss on him that would make all of Jerry's girlfriends pale in comparison.  As he does so, George enters through Jerry's door to catch this act of feigning a romantic kiss between two grown men, stares in disbelief, and slowly and nonchalantly reverses his entrance into the apartment as if he were never there in the first place (amidst one of the longest stretches of laughter in television sitcom history).


CUT BACK TO LAS VEGAS AUDIENCE, JERRY, REGIS, AND MARY HART.

(APPLAUSE)

Jerry, Regis, and Mary are laughing at the sight of that scene on the monitors.  Jerry, Regis, and Mary are all sitting side by side in that order, left to right, with Mary slightly curved in to face both of them. 


R: I love that show.  Alright we're with Jerry Seinfeld, we're here at the Samba Theater in the RIO Hotel in Las Vegas, where we're about to begin a Seinfeld quiz.

M: And it is a well-known fact Regis loves Jerry Seinfeld and knows everything about every single episode...

R: Everything.

M: But does Jerry remember? 

R:  That's it, there ya go.

M:  Who knows more about Seinfeld then, Regis Philbin or Jerry Seinfeld?

(Someone from the audience yells out "we do.")

M:  So, first of all we need to see if their buzzer sound a little bit different  (Jerry and Regis are holding Jeopardy style buzzers).

EACH Tests out their buzzer.  Regis' sounds like an alarm clock, or the sound you get if you put a golf cart in reverse.  Jerry's is a single beep, like a EKG machine to monitor heart attack victims.  (LAUGHTER)

M: Ok.  Jerry gets the pipsqueak.

J:  That wasn't the buzzer.

R: That was Jerry that wasn't the buzzer.  Ok.

M:  Now the stakes are high here.  Both of your reputations are riding on this.  The first question... I hope I can do this like you do it on 'Millionaire.'   What high school did Jerry and George go to, and when did they graduate?

Jerry buzzes by himself.

M:  Jerry?

Jerry hesitantly answers both parts of the question.

M:  You got it!  (APPLAUSE).

R:  Ok, I would've said Massapequa but I know that's not it.

M:  Ok are you ready? 

R:  Ready.

M:  Are you ready for this, ok.  What did George find inside the whale's blowhole?

Both buzzers go off, but Regis' is clearly ahead of Jerry's.

M:  Ok Regis.

REGIS ANSWERS

M:  You got it.  (APPLAUSE & CHEERS).

R:  1-1. 

M:  You weren't even looking over my shoulder. 

J:  I wanna quit now... I've made enough money (LAUGHTER).

M:  Which anchorman does George claim had a nose job when he's trying to convince one of his...

JERRY BUZZES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE QUESTION.

M:  ...girlfriends that she should get one?

Both guys buzz.

M:  Ok. Wait Wait Wait Wait, I'm confused.  (LAUGHTER).

R: (Sarcastically to Jerry) Can we wait til the question's over?  This is Jeopardy.

J:  You might beat me.

R:  You know Alex Trebek would have you whipped by now. (LAUGHTER).

M:  Alright gimme the quick answer but you don't get a score for it.

R: Go ahead.

JERRY ANSWERS

M:  You got it.  Ok, next one.  Now this one's gonna be fair.  Wait til the question's over...

J:  (Sarcastically) Ok, wait til the question's over, alright.

M:  Wait til you hear the whole thing... Who gives Jerry's car an extremely disgusting case of B.O.?

Regis buzzes by himself.

M:  Ok Regis.

REGIS ANSWERS

M:  You got it.

R (To Jerry):  That's it.

J:  I thought the guy would have a name.  I didn't know the guy's name.  I didn't know the name.  (THERE IS NO NAME on that question).

M: I thought for sure you would know the name.  Ok, that was our first trick question. 

R:  Ok, so what is it 2-2?  2-2? 

M:  2-2.  (Audience starts yelling 2-1)... No it's 2-1 you're right.

J: 2-1.  Mine, the one I didn't get... I should get credit.

R (Stands up): This would be a riot if I beat Jerry, wouldn't that be great? (APPLAUSE & CHEERS)

M:  Gelman (comedy sidekick and executive producer, who Regis always ribs with), are we giving away a million?

R: We're giving away a t-shirt.

CUT TO GELMAN behind the camera, holding the score card for Jerry and Regis.

Gelman:  No we're giving away a mousepad.

CUT BACK TO JERRY AND REGIS

M: Mousepad Mousepad.  Alright, next one, I know you're both getting more tense.  What was the name of Jerry's girlfriend who had a name that rhymed with female body part?

JERRY jubilantly jumps up, buzzes in a million times to ensure that he beats Regis; and he has all too much fun doing it (LAUGHTER)

M: Stop that.

R: Jerry liked her a lot.

M:  Ok Jerry who is it?

He answers exuberantly.

M:  You got it.

R: There ya go.

M:  That's it.

R: 2-2.

M: Alright.

R:  Do we have a tiebreaker, is this the last question?  Last question Gelman?  2 more? 

G:  2 more 2 more.

M: Ok 2 more, here we go:  What serial killer is Kramer mistaken for while living in L.A.?

Both guys ponder for a minute, then Jerry casually buzzes in, with not so much confidence. 

M:  Jerry?

Jerry answers incorrectly.  His answer is close but not close enough.  It's 3 words, but he got the second word wrong which is the key to this answer.  True Seinfanatics will know this one.

M:  You got a chance, you're not quite right.  Regis, think, think, you're close. 

REGIS Sits back quiet, and Jerry then bellows the correct answer.

M: You got it. 

J:  Yeah (He hits the buzzer again).

R (gets out of his chair):  Wait a minute!  NO NO.  Gelman, How many, excuse me... how many chances does Jerry get?

G:  One guess, only one guess.

M (to Regis):  You're right. 

R:  We're not gonna permit that.

G:  Still 2-2, this is the final question.  This is the winner-take-all.

R:  Alright.

M:  I was, I was trying to help Regis out.

R:  This is the tie-breaking question... I couldn't come up with that, but I remember it well.

J:  Boy this is very, the rules here are very "Vegasy."  (new Seinfeld term I guess)... Everything is twisted, it's like a slot machine you can't beat.

G:  Ok winner-take-all.

M:  Are you ready for a...?

J:  This is it?

R:  Last one Jerry, it's a tie.

M:  Final Answer?

R:  Final Answer.

M:  Ok.  (Flips to different card) I didn't like that one.  (LAUGHTER).  Ok.  Whose name does Kramer repeatedly, incessantly say after being kicked in the head by Crazy Joe Davola?

Jerry slowly and ever so confidently buzzes (or beeps) in.

M:  Jerry

Jerry even more confidently let the answer slide right out.

M:  Yyyes. 

R: (Repeats the correct answer)... is right.  Absolutely right.

JERRY WINS!!!, HE rises up victoriously, faces the audience, hands flung up in the air like "Sugar Ray Leonard."

J (To Audience):  I AM THE KING. 

Regis stands next to him and raises his hand victoriously for Jerry as a good sportsman.  THunderous applause ensues. 

R:  Here he is, Jerry Seinfeld.  Jerry thank you very much.  (Jerry and Regis hug)

J:  Good to see you.

R:  Jerry we love you, we love you.

M:  Jerry, great to see you.

J:  Thanks. 

Jerry and Mary kiss and hug.

R (to Applauding and Cheering Audience):  Jerry Seinfeld everybody.  Back at 11:00 on Channel 5 in New York, starting March 31.  We'll be back in a moment from Las Vegas. 


Well SEINFANS.  That's it.  All together, that was a 20-minute segment- not bad for a guy who hadn't been in showbiz for a few years.  I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I do.  If I ever see ahead of time that it's airing again, I will be sure to let you know... otherwise, we'll just keep reporting it for you like this... not that there's anything wrong with that.

And a reminder: On Comedy Central on Sept. 5 at 10:30pm & again on Sept. 7 at 12:30pm, Legendary interviewer Jiminy Glick goes primetime and interviews Dennis Miller and Jerry Seinfeld. And if you happen to miss it, I'm sure we'll type it up for you, lol.

NOW...
ON TO MY TRIVIA!!!!

THIS WEEKS TRIVIA- Courtesy of the quiz between Jerry and Regis Philbin
1) What high school did Jerry and George go to, and when did they graduate?
2) What did George find inside the whale's blowhole?
3) Which anchorman does George claim had a nose job when he's trying to convince one of his girlfriends that she should get one?
4) Who gives Jerry's car an extremely disgusting case of B.O.?
5) What was the name of Jerry's girlfriend who had a name that rhymed with female body part?
6) What serial killer is Kramer mistaken for while living in L.A.?

IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION
Whose name does Kramer repeatedly, incessantly say after being kicked in the head by Crazy Joe Davola?



Respond to the trivia by sending E-mail to Andy
Responses must be recieved by
Friday, Sept. 7th.
Remember: you need to get ALL trivia right!
Don't just answer one, if you need help, e-mail me and I'll be more than happy as to give you hints.

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