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Where's Poppa?

 

 

 

 

 

"Where's Poppa?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Written By: StevemW


 

 

 

ACT ONE

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

 

JERRY IS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER EATING A CEREAL AND READING THE NEW YORK TIMES SPORT PAGES. KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE ON THE COUCH READING THE MAIN SECTION AND THE HELP WANTED AD, RESPECTIVELY.

 

GEORGE

Thirty pages full of help wanted ads and I can't find one that I'm capable of doing.

 

KRAMER

Hey check out the ad for Monoxidil guinea pigs, page twenty-six.

 

GEORGE

Monoxidil? With my luck, I'll be over qualified.

 

JERRY

With your luck, you'll grow a beard and mustache.

 

JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ALL GO BACK TO THEIR READING. THEY TURN THEIR PAGES IN UNISON EXCEPT FOR KRAMER WHO HAS A DIFFICULT TIME FOLDING OVER THE NEWSPAPER. HE MANGLES THE ENTIRE SECTION. SUDDENLY GEORGE JUMPS UP.

 

GEORGE

Wait, here's something, listen to this.

(HE READS THE AD OUT LOUD)

"First National Cryogenics, the nations largest sperm bank is looking for a few good fertile men. If you are a male between the ages of twenty-one and forty-five, in excellent physical health, as well as mental health you might be a candidate for sperm donation." Finally, something that I just might be qualified to do.

 

JERRY

The ad did say "excellent mental health" right? What happens when they test you?

 

GEORGE

I'll cheat.

 

JERRY

And just does how one cheat on a psychological evaluation?

 

GEORGE

I don't know.

(THINKS)

I'll tell them the ink spot looks like a father and son playing catch on the beach under a beautiful sun set.

 

KRAMER

Hey I went to that place last week and they told me they were fully stocked, couldn't use another drop.

 

JERRY AND GEORGE LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEY KNOW IT WAS A LIE.

 

JERRY

(SARCASTICALLY)

You mean they turned you down?

 

KRAMER

Yeah, I told them they didn't even have to pay me for it. All I wanted to do was make a donation, sort of my way of passing my genes on to the next generation... the easy way.

 

JERRY

Didn't you ever hear of the Salvation Army?

 

KRAMER

They accept sperm donations?

 

GEORGE

I'm really serious about this. I hear they pay good money.

 

JERRY

And you would also ensure that the next generation would not be completely deficient of unemployed, single, balding, neurotic, dishonest men like yourself.

 

GEORGE

You think I'm kidding. You don't think I'm serious about doing this?

 

JERRY

I didn't say that George. All I'm saying is that maybe you should really think about this before you go giving away any body fluids.

 

GEORGE TAKES OUT A PEN AND PAPER FROM THE DESK AND JOTS DOWN THE ADDRESS TO THE SPERM BANK.

 

JERRY (CONT'D)

You're really going to do this?

 

GEORGE

Yes, I'm really going to do this. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a deposit to make.

 

JERRY

Now you're going?

 

GEORGE

(PUTTING ON HIS JACKET)

Yes, now. I feel

(BEAT)

full.

 

GEORGE CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND RUNS OUT. JERRY FOLLOWS HIM OUT, CATCHING THE DOOR BEFORE IT CLOSES. HE YELLS OUT TO GEORGE.

 

JERRY

What's the rush? Your supply isn't going anywhere!

(TO KRAMER)

Do you believe him?

 

KRAMER

If they accept his sperm and not mine, can I sue for discrimination?

 

JERRY STARTS TO CLOSE DOOR BUT ELAINE PUSHES IT OPEN FROM THE OTHER SIDE.

 

ENTER ELAINE.

 

ELAINE

(MAKING HERSELF COMFORTABLE)

I locked myself out of my apartment again. I need to hang out here until my roommate comes home. She'll be back soon.

 

JERRY

If you keep locking yourself out of your apartment, I'm going to have to start charging you rent.

 

ELAINE

(SARCASTICALLY)

Fine Jerry, from now on I'll wear my key on a shoelace, around my neck.

 

KRAMER LOOKS DOWN AT HIS APARTMENT KEY ON A SHOELACE, TIED AROUND HIS NECK.

 

ELAINE (CON'T)

Where was George going in such a hurry?

 

JERRY

George? Oh, he was going to the bank to... make a deposit.

 

ELAINE

George has money to put in the bank? I didn't even think he had an account.

 

JERRY

Well it wasn't exactly a monetary deposit.

 

JERRY AND KRAMER LAUGH TO EACH OTHER. ELAINE LOOKS CONFUSED.

 

ELAINE

I don't get it. What kind of deposit could George make if it wasn't money?

 

SHE THINKS TO HERSELF FOR A MOMENT.

 

ELAINE (CONT'D)

Oh I get it. George went to a blood bank.

 

JERRY AND KRAMER BOTH NOD "NO".

 

ELAINE (CONT'D)

No? What kind of bank takes deposits if...

 

ELAINE LOOKS REPULSED AS SHE REALIZES WHERE GEORGE HAS GONE.

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

 

INT. RECEPTION AREA OF THE SPERM BANK - DAY

 

GEORGE ENTERS.

 

AS GEORGE CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM, HE NOTICES A PICTURE ON THE WALL OF A GQ-TYPE MALE BELOW THE HEADING "DONOR OF THE MONTH". GEORGE LOOKS DISCOURAGED. HE CROSSES TO THE SLIDING GLASS WINDOW BEHIND WHICH, A NURSE IS SEATED. PRINTED ON THE RIGHT GLASS WINDOW ARE THE WORDS "DROP-OFF'S". GEORGE WALKS OVER TO THE LEFT HAND SIDE. THE NURSE SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW.

 

NURSE

May I help you?

 

GEORGE

Yes, um, I'm here to...

(MUMBLES)

donate.

 

NURSE

I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you. Can you repeat that?

 

GEORGE

(A BIT LOUDER)

I here to donate.

 

THE NURSE, KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT GEORGE IS SAYING BUT BECAUSE SHE GETS SUCH LITTLE PLEASURE AT HER JOB, AMUSES HERSELF BY TRYING TO SEE JUST HOW LOUD SHE CAN GET HIM TO ACTUALLY SAY IT.

 

NURSE

Excuse me?

 

GEORGE

I'm here to...

 

GEORGE MOTIONS WITH HIS HANDS THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR "YOU KNOW."

 

GEORGE

... you know.

 

NURSE

Fix the leak in the mens room?

 

GEORGE

(FED UP)

I'm here to donate my sperm!

 

EVERYONE IN THE WAITING ROOM LOOKS UP. GEORGE IS EMBARRASSED.

 

NURSE

Oh, I'm sorry. Come in.

 

THE NURSE BUZZES HIM IN.

 

SFX: DOOR BUZZER

 

THE NURSE BUZZES GEORGE IN AND LEADS HIM INTO THE NEXT ROOM.

 

RESET TO:

 

 

INT. - SPERM BANK - INTERVIEW ROOM

 

NURSE LEADS GEORGE THROUGH A ROOM FILLED WITH NUMBERED CUBICLES. SHE POINTS GEORGE INTO A SEA OF CUBICLES.

 

NURSE

Number six please.

 

GEORGE

Thank you.

 

GEORGE CROSSES TO THE CUBICLE NUMBER SIX. INSIDE, A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IS SEATED BEHIND A DESK. ON TOP OF DESK IS A COMPUTER. THE WOMAN RISES TO GREET GEORGE AND EXTENDS HER HAND TO HIM.

 

NURSE

Hello, my name is Cathy. Please have a seat.

 

GEORGE WAITS FOR HER TO SIT DOWN FIRST, THEN HE SITS.

 

GEORGE

Hello Cathy, I'm--

 

CATHY

Don't tell us your name. All information is held in the strictest confidence. You have been issued a code number to protect your anonymity.

 

GEORGE TRIES TO SPEAK BUT SHE CUTS HIM, IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO GO INTO THE PROCEDURE WITH THE TONE OF A DRILL SARGENT.

 

CATHY (CON'T)

Let me just explain our procedure to you. First I'll ask a few preliminary questions. Upon completion of those, I will ask you a series of questions about your personal and genetic background. You will then be tested on your mental capabilities. At the completion of those, you will then be given a physical, we'll give you a blood work-up, test your cholesterol level. Then, and only if you have successfully completed and passed all of those test, you will be allowed to donate. If it is strong and healthy, you will be permitted to donate sperm. It will then be taken to the lab. There it will be mixed with a stabilizing agent and examined for count, motility and volume. If your sperm does not make the grade, you will not be paid. If it does, it will then be separated into several test tubes and flash frozen at minus one-hundred and fifty six degrees centigrade. If it does not freeze well, you will not be paid either. Any questions?

 

GEORGE

Geez, I think I've had an easier time getting a bank loan?

 

CATHY

(UNAMUSED)

Any questions?

 

GEORGE

No, no questions.

 

CATHY

Fine, then lets get started.

 

SHE STARTS ENTERING INFORMATION FROM THE CLIPBOARD INTO THE COMPUTER.

 

CATHY (CON'T)

Weight?

 

GEORGE

(TRYING TO BE FUNNY)

How long?

 

UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.

 

CATHY

(ANNOYED)

Sir, this is not a joke. Sperm donation is a very serious matter. There are thousands of couples who, for one reason or another, are unable to bear children of their own. Now we are here to help these couples start families and we all take our jobs very seriously here. Now if you insist on this, this "tom-foolery", I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now, are we finished?

 

GEORGE

I'm sorry. Let's continue.

 

CATHY

How much do you weigh?

 

GEORGE

One-seventy--

 

CATHY LOOKS UP FROM COMPUTER

 

GEORGE (CON'T)

Two hundred pounds.

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

 

JERRY IS NOW READING THE HELP WANTED ADS, KRAMER, THE SPORTS PAGES AND ELAINE, THE ENTERTAINMENT SECTION.

 

JERRY

I can't believe George is actually going through with this. I mean he actually went to a sperm bank.

(BEAT)

Do you guys realize that at this very moment, George could actually be making a deposit?

 

THEY ALL SHIVER IN REPULSION.

 

JERRY (CON'T)

Do you think if he deposits a certain amount he'll get a free toaster oven?

 

KRAMER

I still can't believe they turned me down. I never get turned down at the blood bank.

 

JERRY

I wonder if they have a night depository box there, for those, you know, after hour drop-off's?

 

ELAINE

I knew this woman who went to one of those places, to make a, you know, "withdrawal". She said she really wanted to have a child but she didn't want to get married.

 

KRAMER

Oh well that's just great! How convenient for her. All a woman has to do to have a child is to go to one of those places and be inseminated without even shaking a guy's hand.

 

KRAMER VIGOROUSLY MIMES SHAKING HANDS.

 

KRAMER (CON'T)

It's as easy as going down to the corner store for a loaf of bread.

 

JERRY

What do you think a woman who used a sperm bank tells her children if they ask who their father is? The moment I saw your father across that crowded freezer, I knew we were meant to be. Your father's name? It was 23445-56.

 

SFX: INTERCOM BUZZES

 

JERRY CROSSES TO ANSWER IT.

 

JERRY (CON'T)

(INTO SPEAKER)

Who is it?

 

FEMALE VOICE

Delivery from Broadway Florists for Gerald Seinfeld.

 

ELAINE

Gerald? I never knew your real name is Gerald?

 

JERRY

It's not.

(INTO SPEAKER)

Are you sure you have the right apartment?

 

FEMALE VOICE

Your super told me this was your apartment.

 

JERRY

(INTO SPEAKER)

Who are the flowers from?

 

FEMALE VOICE

Hold on, let me check.

 

SFX: RUSTLING OF CELLOPHANE

 

FEMALE VOICE

I think they're from your parents.

 

JERRY

Why's that?

 

FEMALE VOICE

Because the card is signed "love mom and dad."

 

JERRY

OK, can you just leave them with the doorman?

 

FEMALE VOICE

(PAUSE)

He already told me to take them up myself.

 

KRAMER

Come on, what are you putting her through the third degree for Jerry? Just let her up, she's a delivery girl for god's sake.

 

ELAINE

Yeah Jerry, nobody likes a tip-dodger.

 

JERRY

(INTO SPEAKER)

Come on up.

 

JERRY "BUZZES" HER IN AND UNLOCKS THE DOOR.

 

JERRY (CON'T)

I wonder why my parents sent me flowers?

 

KRAMER

Maybe it's because they're sorry that they neglected you as a child or for not being there for you when you need them the most. Or maybe it's just because they feel so guilty about never paying any attention to you what so ever.

 

JERRY

My parents weren't like that.

 

KRAMER THINKS.

 

KRAMER

Oh yeah, that was my parents.

 

SFX: DOOR BELL

 

JERRY CROSSES TO DOOR AND OPENS IT. AN ATTRACTIVE, HEAVYSET WOMAN IN HER TWENTIES, STANDS AT THE DOOR HOLDING A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS AND A CLIPBOARD. WE WILL SOON LEARN HER NAME IS LORI.

 

LORI

Mr. Seinfeld?

 

JERRY

Here.

 

SHE HANDS JERRY THE FLOWERS.

 

LORI

Here you go.

 

JERRY REACHES INTO HIS POCKET FOR A TIP.

 

LORI (CONT'D)

Oh no please, you don't have to give me a tip, Mr. Seinfeld. All those years of enjoyment that you've given me is more then enough tip. I just love you.

 

JERRY

Well thank you.

 

HE LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO ELAINE AND KRAMER, AND FLASHES THEM A "DID YOU HEAR THAT" SMILE. LORI JUST STARES AT JERRY, SHE IS IN AWE OF JERRY.

 

JERRY (CON'T)

So do you want me to sign for these?

 

HE REACHES FOR CLIPBOARD AND LORI, STILL DAZED BY JERRY, HANDS IT TO HIM.

 

JERRY

Hey, this a job application for The Gap!

 

LORI

(SNAPS OUT OF IT)

Oh, it's... um... I, I have a confession to make. I'm not a delivery girl for the florist. I just really had to meet I wanted to tell you just how wonderful I think you are, and to tell you what a big influence you've had on my life. I'm such a huge fan of yours.

 

AGAIN JERRY LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER, "DID YOU HEAR THAT."

 

JERRY (CON'T)

Well that's so nice of you to say. (BEAT) So I guess these flowers aren't really from my parents.

 

LORI

No, I bought them from the deli on the corner. But they are from me. Please take them. They're just a small token of the joy that you have brought me. I'm so sorry that I lied about them being from your parents but I figured it was the only way I could get into your building. That was before I knew you had such crummy security. I once saw you talking about your parents on Carson, so I knew they weren't dead. I just really had to meet you. Please don't be angry. (BEAT) You can even do something about thin in your act. This could be an experience you can use for new material. You're not angry are you?

 

JERRY

(SARCASTICALLY)

Of course not. I think it's great how you just made up your mind to meet me and you didn't let anything stop you. I think it shows great... initiative.

 

JERRY HANDS HER BACK THE CLIPBOARD.

 

LORI

Initiative... yeah. Hey, can you sign this for me?

 

JERRY TAKES BACK THE CLIPBOARD.

 

JERRY

Sure. To whom should I make it out to?

 

LORI

Just write, "To Lori, whose life I have had such a big influence on."

 

JERRY DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO WRITE THAT. HE STARTS TO WRITE SOMETHING ELSE.

 

JERRY

OK, best wishes, Gerald Seinfeld.

 

HE HANDS HER BACK THE CLIPBOARD AND PEN.

 

JERRY (CON'T)

By the way, how did you get my address?

 

LORI

Oh, that short, bald guy with the glasses told me. You know, your agent.

 

JERRY

My agent?

 

LORI

Yeah, I once saw you coming out of a diner with him. I was dying to run up to you then but I didn't think the time was right. . . so I followed you. I took my eyes off of you for a second and when I looked back, you were gone. But for some reason, I kept seeing your agent. It was almost like he was following me.

 

JERRY

When did he give you my address?

 

LORI

Oh, after I promised him a date. But I never even gave him my phone number. Poor schlub. Don't tell him you saw me, all right?

 

JERRY

Of course not. It'll be our little secret.

 

JERRY FLASHES A BIG FAT PHONY SMILE.

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

END OF ACT ONE

 

 

 

ACT TWO

 

 

INT. SPERM BANK - DONOR INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

 

GEORGE IS LEANING OVER THE DESK TRYING TO READ THE COMPUTER MONITOR WHILE CATHY IS GONE. SHE ENTERS FROM THE BACK ROOM. STARTLING HIM. SHE IS HOLDING FILE AND A PLASTIC BAG WITH A CUP INSIDE.

 

CATHY

Well, seems you past all of the necessary requirements...

(UNDER HER BREATH)

amazingly enough

(TO GEORGE)

so if you'll just follow me, I'll take you to an available room.

 

SHE HANDS GEORGE THE BAG.

 

CATHY (CON'T)

After you've finished, bring the cup to front desk. If everything checks out alright, you'll be paid.

 

GEORGE

Thank you, Cathy. You've been a big help.

 

GEORGE EXTENDS HIS ARM TO CATHY AND THEY SHAKE HANDS.

 

CATHY

You’re going to need a tighter grip than that.

 

RESET TO:

 

 

INT. SPERM BANK - EXTERIOR OF A ROW OF SMALL ROOMS - DAY

 

WE SEE A LONG ROW OF NUMBERED DOORS AND A CLOCK ABOVE THEM. GEORGE CROSSES TO ROOM #4 AND OPENS THE DOOR. HE IS TAKEN BACK BY WHAT HE SEES, THE ROOM IS ALREADY BEING USED BY A DONOR AND HE IS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF "DONATING."

 

GEORGE

Oops! Sorry. Carry on.

 

GEORGE CLOSES THE DOOR, WALKS NEXT DOOR TO ROOM #5 AND ENTERS. CAMERA PANS UP AND ZOOMS INTO CLOCK. THE MINUTE HAND MOVES TWO MINUTES. CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND PANS DOWN. GEORGE EXITS, HOLDING CUP. THINKING HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW HOW QUICK HE WAS, HE STEPS BACK INTO ROOM AND GENTLY CLOSES THE DOOR. CAMERA PANS BACK UP AND ZOOMS INTO CLOCK. FIFTEEN MINUTES PASS. CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND PANS DOWN. GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS AROUND. HE EXITS.

 

RESET TO:

 

 

INT. SPERM BANK - FRONT DESK - DAY

 

GEORGE CROSSES TO THE FRONT DESK WINDOW, BEHIND WHICH A NURSE, READING SOAP OPERA DIGEST, IS SEATED BEHIND A SLIDING WINDOW. A SIGN ON THE WINDOW READS "DROP-OFF'S". UNDER IT IS A SMALL REVOLVING WINDOW. GEORGE, TRYING IN VAIN TO ACT SUAVE, PLACES THE CUP ON THE TABLE AND REVOLVES THE WINDOW AROUND. THE NURSE LOOKS UP FROM THE MAGAZINE AND RINGS A BELL. A MAN WEARING A WHITE LAB COAT AND RUBBER GLOVES TAKES THE CUP INTO THE BACK LAB.

 

NURSE

Please have a seat and wait for your number to be called.

 

GEORGE

How long does that usually take?

 

NURSE

(ANNOYED)

It depends on the donor and the size of the donation.

 

GEORGE

What does that mean?

 

NURSE

(ANNOYED AND SARCASTIC)

Well, large samples take longer than let's say, small samples.

 

GEORGE

Oh, I see.

 

GEORGE CROSSES TO THE COUCH.

 

GEORGE (CON'T)

(TO HIMSELF)

So this should only take about a minute.

 

HE SITS DOWN AND PICKS UP A MAGAZINE. HE LIFTS IT UP TO REVEAL THE COVER, AMERICAN DONOR.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. LOBBY OUTSIDE SPERM BANK - DAY

 

SFX: ELEVATOR "DING"

 

TWO WOMAN WALK OFF THE ELEVATOR. THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS.

 

WOMAN #1

I can't believe I'm doing this.

 

WOMAN #2

OK, it's natural to feel a little apprehensive at this point but we've thought long and hard over this.

 

SHE LIFTS WOMAN #1'S CHIN UP.

 

WOMAN #2 (CON'T)

And didn't we both agree, this is our best alternative?

 

WOMAN #1

I know, but, I mean, what kind of men donate to these places? I just don't want the genes of some loser passed on to my baby.

 

WOMAN #2

Oh, now you're just over reacting Jean. They tediously screen all prospective donors here and only use the one with the finest genes. They wouldn't accept donations from any man who seemed anything like a loser.

 

WOMAN #1 OPENS DOOR LEADING TO SPERM BANK WAITING ROOM, GEORGE SLOWLY LOOKS UP AND SMILES. SHE GASPS AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. GEORGE LOOKS CONFUSED, AS IF TO ASK, "WHAT?"

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

 

OPEN ON: CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN - THE KNICKS ARE PLAYING THE LAKERS. LORI HAS MADE HERSELF QUITE COMFORTABLE ON JERRY'S COUCH. SHE IS HOLDING THE REMOTE CONTROL AND A LARGE BOWL OF POPCORN. JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SITTING ON THE EDGE OF OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE COUCH. JERRY AND ELAINE LEAN BACK ON THE COUCH AND ELAINE GIVES THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR "SHE'S CRAZY". JERRY REPLY'S BY GIVING ELAINE A LOOK AS IF TO SAY, "DON'T LOOK AT ME, SHE WON'T LEAVE." THEY RESUME WATCHING THE TELEVISION.

 

LORI

(TO THE REFEREE, AS IF HE CAN HEAR HER)

C'mon, what was that? You call that a foul, why don't you try watching the game?

(TO JERRY AND ELAINE)

Do you believe that call? That referee is blind. Hey, you could put that in your act too.

 

JERRY V.O.

That would go right before the story about being trapped in my own apartment by the fan from hell.

 

LORI TURNS TO JERRY AND SMILES. JERRY SMILES BACK.

 

JERRY V.O.(CON'T)

If I was any kind of a man, I would just ask her to leave.

 

ELAINE V.O.

If Jerry was any kind of man, he would just ask her to leave.

 

JERRY V.O.

How can I just ask her to leave? She idolizes me.

 

ELAINE V.O.

I can not believe she idolizes Jerry. She's just a kid.

(BEAT)

She probably idolizes Bugs Bunny too.

 

LORI STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH THE CHANNELS.

 

LORI (CON'T)

Wow, I can't believe you don't have cable, you really should get cable. Jerry, get cable.

 

JERRY

I don't really watch much TV. Most of the time I'm on--

 

SFX: BUGS BUNNY

 

LORI

Bugs Bunny! I just love Bugs Bunny. You and Bugs Bunny are my two favorite stars.

(SHE CONFESSES TO JERRY)

I like you more because you're not a cartoon.

 

JERRY

(SARCASTIC)

Thank you. That's quite flattering knowing you like me more than a cartoon rabbit.

 

LORI GOES BACK TO WATCHING BUGS BUNNY, HER SECOND FAVORITE STAR.

 

JERRY V.O. (CON'T)

I can't believe George told her where I live. Wherever he is I hope he's getting a cramp, or better yet, I hope he's overdrawn.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. SPERM BANK - FRONT DESK - LATER THAT DAY

 

GEORGE

Whadya' mean the motility isn't good? What are you talking about?

 

NURSE

Look sir, I don't make the decisions around here. You see this paper, it says "Unsatisfactory motility."

 

GEORGE

Unsatisfactory motility? What are you telling me here? Are you saying, that I went through all of this for nothing?

 

NURSE

I'm very sorry sir.

(SHE WARMS UP)

Listen, it's not your fault. A lot of men have the same problem. It's perfectly natural.

 

GEORGE

You're starting to sound an awful lot like all of my ex-girlfriends.

 

NURSE

Why don't you try again in a few days, when you feel up to it.

 

GEORGE

When I feel up to it?

(BEAT)

Are you sure we never dated?

(BEAT)

Let me try again, this time you'll be able to use it.

 

NURSE

It was your motility, sir. We won't be able to use it.

 

GEORGE

No really, it'll work this time. I was a little bit nervous. My anxiety always affects my sperm's motility. Always. It never fails, I get a little nervous, my motility just goes haywire. One more time! One more time and everything will come out fine.

 

THE NURSE STARES APPREHENSIVELY.

 

GEORGE (CON'T)

Please, in the name of Cryogenics!

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY

 

LORI IS NOW BEHIND THE TV, ADJUSTING THE PICTURE. JERRY IS HOLDING UP A LARGE MIRROR SO SHE CAN SEE THE PICTURE. ELAINE IS ON THE PHONE.

 

SFX: PHONE RINGING ON THE OTHER END OF LINE

 

ELAINE

Come on, please be home. Please pick up the phone. Where the hell is she, I have to get out of here!

 

JERRY

There it is, that's perfect.

 

LORI GETS BACK ON THE COUCH AND CONTINUES WATCHING TELEVISION. ELAINE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE

 

JERRY

I've never seen Patrick Ewing look so good.

 

KRAMER BURSTS IN.

 

KRAMER

Hey Jer, you got that--

 

HE NOTICES LORI ON THE COUCH.

 

KRAMER (CON'T)

Hey, you're still here.

 

LORI

Yup, they just can't get enough of me.

 

REACTION SHOT FROM JERRY AND ELAINE.

 

JERRY

The delivery that keeps giving.

 

LORI

Pull up a chair. I was just telling Jerry how he should get cable.

 

KRAMER GRABS A CHAIR FROM THE TABLE AND SITS BEHIND THE COUCH.

 

KRAMER

Don't get me started on that. I've been telling him for years. Wow, the Knicks game is on. What's the score?

 

LORI

(PASSING HIM THE POPCORN)

106-104, Lakers.

 

KRAMER

C'mon, what was that? You call that a foul. Why don't you try watching the game?

 

LORI

That ref is blind!

 

KRAMER

Wow Jerry, the picture looks great. When did you have it fixed?

 

JERRY

I didn't. Lori adjusted it.

 

KRAMER

Hey great job, Lori.

 

LORI

Thanks.

 

KRAMER

Damm commercials. Here let me see the remote.

 

LORI PASSES KRAMER THE REMOTE. KRAMER SCANS THROUGH THE CHANNELS.

 

SFX: BUGS BUNNY

 

KRAMER

Bugs Bunny! I love Bugs!

 

LORI

Me too, he's my favorite.

 

JERRY LOOKS UPSET. ELAINE SIGNALS HIM INTO THE KITCHEN. THEY BOTH GET UP AND CROSS INTO THE KITCHEN. KRAMER TAKES JERRY'S PLACE ON THE COUCH.

 

ELAINE

Is it just me or is there something going on between those two in there?

 

JERRY

First she says that she liked me more than Bugs Bunny, then she goes and tells Kramer that Bugs is her favorite.

 

ELAINE

Jerry, didn't you notice the way they were looking at each other?

(BEAT)

They'd probably make a great couple.

 

JERRY

You mean the two of them?

 

JERRY AND ELAINE PEAK OVER TO LOOK AT THEM. THEY ARE SITTING CLOSE AND GIGGLING.

 

JERRY (CON'T)

Eww, I don't even want to think about it.

 

ELAINE

Well it certainly wouldn't be a dull relationship.

 

JERRY

Nope! Not a dull relationship at all.

 

KRAMER ENTERS THE KITCHEN.

 

KRAMER

Me and Lori are going over to my apartment. She's going to adjust my horizontal hold.

 

KRAMER WINKS AND "CLICKS" HIS TEETH.

 

LORI

Well this certainly was an absolute dream come true meeting meeting you. I'll never forget this day for as long as I live... bye!

 

KRAMER

See you guys later.

 

KRAMER AND LORI EXIT TOGETHER.

 

JERRY

I still can't believe George told her where I live. How could he do that?

 

ELAINE

You know I honestly don't think you can blame George. He can't help himself. He sees these opportunities to pick up woman and he has these uncontrollable urges to do everything he possibly can to get them with total disregard for the consequences.

 

JERRY

What would he do if I just told some strange woman where he lived?

 

ELAINE

Thank you.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. SPERM BANK - FRONT DESK - DAY

 

GEORGE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW. HIS FACE IS RED, HIS HAIR IS MESSED UP AND HIS TIE IS LOOSENED.

 

GEORGE

Whadya' mean it didn't freeze well?" How could it not freeze well? Did it get freezer burn? I mean, did they make sure the lid was on tight? What could go wrong? Can they defrost it and try again?

(BEAT)

All right look, one more try. Last time!

 

NURSE DISPLAYS A STONE COLD EXPRESSION.

 

GEORGE (CON'T)

That was their fault! You can't blame me for that! That last one was a winner.

(BEAT)

You owe me!

 

RESET TO:

 

 

INT. SPERM BANK - FRONT DESK - A LITTLE LATER

 

GEORGE ENTERS HOLDING CUP. HE IS OUT OF BREATHE AND LOOKS AS THOUGH HE JUST WALKED OUT OF A WAR. HE SLOWLY LIMBS TO THE WINDOW, BUMPING INTO IT. GEORGE TRIES TO PLACE THE CUP ON THE REVOLVING WINDOW PUT KEEPS MISSING IT. HE KEEPS BLINKING HIS EYES, HE THINKS HE IS LOOSING HIS VISION.

 

GEORGE

(SCRATCHY VOICE)

OK, this is it. That's all there is. I've been completely tapped. Like the Malaysian rubber trees that been emptied of their precious sap. There's no more! The well is now dry. Go now, go and freeze it so that it shall be used to create new life. Let the miracle of life...

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

 

INT. DINER - NIGHT

 

JERRY, KRAMER AND ELAINE ARE SITTING A BOOTH BY THE WINDOW. THEY HAVE JUST FINISHED EATING.

 

JERRY

So Kramer, how's your television set playing?

 

KRAMER

What do you mean?

 

JERRY

You know, your horizontal hold?

 

KRAMER

(HE THINKS FOR A SECOND)

Oh! It's great. That Lori is a genius with her hands. She fixed that drip on my kitchen faucet too.

 

HE STRETCHES OUT HIS BACK.

 

KRAMER (CON'T)

She also got that kink out of my back.

 

ELAINE

She's one helluva' gal.

 

JERRY

So are guys going to the local Loony Toons festival tonight?

 

KRAMER

No, Lori got court side seats for the Knicks game tonight.

 

ELAINE

And she gets great Knicks tickets. She really is something special.

 

JERRY

Has anyone heard from George?

 

ELAINE

You mean you haven't seen him since he left this morning?

 

ELAINE (CON'T)

Well, if he's anything like some of my past boyfriends, after he finished, he just rolled over and went to sleep.

 

JERRY LOOKS UP.

 

ELAINE (CON'T)

Well, not all of my past boyfriends.

 

ELAINE IS UNCOMFORTABLE. SUDDENLY, SHE NOTICES GEORGE LIMPING PAST THE DINNER.

 

ELAINE (CON'T)

Hey, there's George now!

 

JERRY TAPS ON THE WINDOW, TRYING TO GET GEORGE'S ATTENTION. GEORGE, SQUINTS HIS EYES, LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW TO TRY TO MAKE OUT WHO'S INSIDE. ONCE HE REALIZES IT'S THEM HE TRIES TO WALK AWAY, EMBARRASSED ABOUT WHAT HE'S JUST BEEN THROUGH. BUT JERRY SIGNALS HIM IN. GEORGE SLOWLY LIMPS IN AND MAKES IT HALFWAY TO THE TABLE BEFORE HE LEANS ON THE WAITRESS WALKING BY.

 

GEORGE

Please, a large glass of any juice you have.

 

HE LIMPS OVER TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN SLOWLY, LIKE AN ELDERLY MAN.

 

GEORGE (CON'T)

I'm a failure, a complete failure! And not only am I a failure, but my sperm's a failure too.

 

JERRY

They turned you down, huh?

 

GEORGE

Turned me down? Just turning me down would have been too easy. First they had to test me, then retest me. They poked me with needle after needle. They drew samples from every part of my body, from parts of my body, I didn't know you could draw samples. They drilled me with questions in such a way, the Gestapo would be impressed. Then came the cups they wanted me to fill. First time, no good. Second time, no good. Third time, not even close. And it didn't end there. It just kept going on and on. It was the single most humiliating experience of my entire life.

 

ELAINE

(HESITANTLY)

And just how many... cups did you... use?

 

GEORGE

(WHISPERS)

Seven.

 

ALL

(INCLUDING THE WAITRESS WHO HAS JUST BROUGHT OVER GEORGE'S JUICE)

Seven!

 

ELAINE

George, I'm impressed.

 

WAITRESS

So am I.

 

THE WAITRESS SCRIBBLES SOMETHING ON THE CHECK AND HANDS IT TO GEORGE.

 

WAITRESS (CON'T)

Call me tomorrow, we'll have dinner or something.

 

THE WAITRESS WALKS AWAY. GEORGE PUSHES THE CHECK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE.

 

JERRY

There you go. At least the day's not a complete waste.

 

ELAINE

So? Are you gong to call her and take her out tonight?

 

GEORGE

I'm not sure. I'm busy.

 

JERRY

Busy? What are you doing?

 

GEORGE

I have another appointment at the sperm bank.

 

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

THE END

 

 

 

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