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"Where's Poppa?"
Written
By: StevemW
ACT ONE
INT.
JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
JERRY IS
SITTING AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER EATING A CEREAL AND READING THE NEW YORK TIMES
SPORT PAGES. KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE ON THE COUCH READING THE MAIN SECTION AND
THE HELP WANTED AD, RESPECTIVELY.
GEORGE
Thirty
pages full of help wanted ads and I can't find one that I'm capable of doing.
KRAMER
Hey check
out the ad for Monoxidil guinea pigs, page twenty-six.
GEORGE
Monoxidil?
With my luck, I'll be over qualified.
JERRY
With
your luck, you'll grow a beard and mustache.
JERRY,
GEORGE AND KRAMER ALL GO BACK TO THEIR READING. THEY TURN THEIR PAGES IN UNISON
EXCEPT FOR KRAMER WHO HAS A DIFFICULT TIME FOLDING OVER THE NEWSPAPER. HE
MANGLES THE ENTIRE SECTION. SUDDENLY GEORGE JUMPS UP.
GEORGE
Wait,
here's something, listen to this.
(HE
READS THE AD OUT LOUD)
"First
National Cryogenics, the nations largest sperm bank is looking for a few good
fertile men. If you are a male between the ages of twenty-one and forty-five,
in excellent physical health, as well as mental health you might be a candidate
for sperm donation." Finally, something that I just might be qualified to
do.
JERRY
The ad
did say "excellent mental health" right? What happens when they test
you?
GEORGE
I'll
cheat.
JERRY
And just
does how one cheat on a psychological evaluation?
GEORGE
I don't
know.
(THINKS)
I'll tell
them the ink spot looks like a father and son playing catch on the beach under
a beautiful sun set.
KRAMER
Hey I
went to that place last week and they told me they were fully stocked, couldn't
use another drop.
JERRY
AND GEORGE LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEY KNOW IT WAS A LIE.
JERRY
(SARCASTICALLY)
You mean
they turned you down?
KRAMER
Yeah, I
told them they didn't even have to pay me for it. All I wanted to do was make a
donation, sort of my way of passing my genes on to the next generation... the
easy way.
JERRY
Didn't
you ever hear of the Salvation Army?
KRAMER
They
accept sperm donations?
GEORGE
I'm
really serious about this. I hear they pay good money.
JERRY
And you would
also ensure that the next generation would not be completely deficient of
unemployed, single, balding, neurotic, dishonest men like yourself.
GEORGE
You
think I'm kidding. You don't think I'm serious about doing this?
JERRY
I didn't
say that George. All I'm saying is that maybe you should really think about
this before you go giving away any body fluids.
GEORGE
TAKES OUT A PEN AND PAPER FROM THE DESK AND JOTS DOWN THE ADDRESS TO THE SPERM
BANK.
JERRY
(CONT'D)
You're
really going to do this?
GEORGE
Yes, I'm
really going to do this. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a deposit to make.
JERRY
Now
you're going?
GEORGE
(PUTTING
ON HIS JACKET)
Yes,
now. I feel
(BEAT)
full.
GEORGE
CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND RUNS OUT. JERRY FOLLOWS HIM OUT, CATCHING THE DOOR
BEFORE IT CLOSES. HE YELLS OUT TO GEORGE.
JERRY
What's
the rush? Your supply isn't going anywhere!
(TO
KRAMER)
Do you
believe him?
KRAMER
If they
accept his sperm and not mine, can I sue for discrimination?
JERRY
STARTS TO CLOSE DOOR BUT ELAINE PUSHES IT OPEN FROM THE OTHER SIDE.
ENTER
ELAINE.
ELAINE
(MAKING
HERSELF COMFORTABLE)
I locked
myself out of my apartment again. I need to hang out here until my roommate
comes home. She'll be back soon.
JERRY
If you
keep locking yourself out of your apartment, I'm going to have to start
charging you rent.
ELAINE
(SARCASTICALLY)
Fine
Jerry, from now on I'll wear my key on a shoelace, around my neck.
KRAMER
LOOKS DOWN AT HIS APARTMENT KEY ON A SHOELACE, TIED AROUND HIS NECK.
ELAINE
(CON'T)
Where
was George going in such a hurry?
JERRY
George?
Oh, he was going to the bank to... make a deposit.
ELAINE
George
has money to put in the bank? I didn't even think he had an account.
JERRY
Well it
wasn't exactly a monetary deposit.
JERRY
AND KRAMER LAUGH TO EACH OTHER. ELAINE LOOKS CONFUSED.
ELAINE
I don't
get it. What kind of deposit could George make if it wasn't money?
SHE
THINKS TO HERSELF FOR A MOMENT.
ELAINE
(CONT'D)
Oh I get
it. George went to a blood bank.
JERRY
AND KRAMER BOTH NOD "NO".
ELAINE
(CONT'D)
No? What
kind of bank takes deposits if...
ELAINE
LOOKS REPULSED AS SHE REALIZES WHERE GEORGE HAS GONE.
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT.
RECEPTION AREA OF THE SPERM BANK - DAY
GEORGE
ENTERS.
AS
GEORGE CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM, HE NOTICES A PICTURE ON THE WALL OF A
GQ-TYPE MALE BELOW THE HEADING "DONOR OF THE MONTH". GEORGE LOOKS
DISCOURAGED. HE CROSSES TO THE SLIDING GLASS WINDOW BEHIND WHICH, A NURSE IS
SEATED. PRINTED ON THE RIGHT GLASS WINDOW ARE THE WORDS "DROP-OFF'S".
GEORGE WALKS OVER TO THE LEFT HAND SIDE. THE NURSE SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW.
NURSE
May I
help you?
GEORGE
Yes, um,
I'm here to...
(MUMBLES)
donate.
NURSE
I'm
sorry, I couldn't understand you. Can you repeat that?
GEORGE
(A BIT
LOUDER)
I here
to donate.
THE
NURSE, KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT GEORGE IS SAYING BUT BECAUSE SHE GETS SUCH LITTLE
PLEASURE AT HER JOB, AMUSES HERSELF BY TRYING TO SEE JUST HOW LOUD SHE CAN GET
HIM TO ACTUALLY SAY IT.
NURSE
Excuse
me?
GEORGE
I'm here
to...
GEORGE
MOTIONS WITH HIS HANDS THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR "YOU KNOW."
GEORGE
... you
know.
NURSE
Fix the
leak in the mens room?
GEORGE
(FED UP)
I'm here
to donate my sperm!
EVERYONE
IN THE WAITING ROOM LOOKS UP. GEORGE IS EMBARRASSED.
NURSE
Oh, I'm
sorry. Come in.
THE
NURSE BUZZES HIM IN.
SFX:
DOOR BUZZER
THE
NURSE BUZZES GEORGE IN AND LEADS HIM INTO THE NEXT ROOM.
RESET TO:
INT. -
SPERM BANK - INTERVIEW ROOM
NURSE
LEADS GEORGE THROUGH A ROOM FILLED WITH NUMBERED CUBICLES. SHE POINTS GEORGE
INTO A SEA OF CUBICLES.
NURSE
Number
six please.
GEORGE
Thank
you.
GEORGE
CROSSES TO THE CUBICLE NUMBER SIX. INSIDE, A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IS SEATED BEHIND A
DESK. ON TOP OF DESK IS A COMPUTER. THE WOMAN RISES TO GREET GEORGE AND EXTENDS
HER HAND TO HIM.
NURSE
Hello,
my name is Cathy. Please have a seat.
GEORGE
WAITS FOR HER TO SIT DOWN FIRST, THEN HE SITS.
GEORGE
Hello Cathy,
I'm--
CATHY
Don't
tell us your name. All information is held in the strictest confidence. You
have been issued a code number to protect your anonymity.
GEORGE
TRIES TO SPEAK BUT SHE CUTS HIM, IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO GO INTO THE PROCEDURE
WITH THE TONE OF A DRILL SARGENT.
CATHY
(CON'T)
Let me
just explain our procedure to you. First I'll ask a few preliminary questions.
Upon completion of those, I will ask you a series of questions about your
personal and genetic background. You will then be tested on your mental
capabilities. At the completion of those, you will then be given a physical,
we'll give you a blood work-up, test your cholesterol level. Then, and only if
you have successfully completed and passed all of those test, you will be allowed
to donate. If it is strong and healthy, you will be permitted to donate sperm.
It will then be taken to the lab. There it will be mixed with a stabilizing
agent and examined for count, motility and volume. If your sperm does not make
the grade, you will not be paid. If it does, it will then be separated into
several test tubes and flash frozen at minus one-hundred and fifty six degrees
centigrade. If it does not freeze well, you will not be paid either. Any
questions?
GEORGE
Geez, I
think I've had an easier time getting a bank loan?
CATHY
(UNAMUSED)
Any
questions?
GEORGE
No, no questions.
CATHY
Fine,
then lets get started.
SHE
STARTS ENTERING INFORMATION FROM THE CLIPBOARD INTO THE COMPUTER.
CATHY
(CON'T)
Weight?
GEORGE
(TRYING TO
BE FUNNY)
How
long?
UNCOMFORTABLE
SILENCE.
CATHY
(ANNOYED)
Sir,
this is not a joke. Sperm donation is a very serious matter. There are
thousands of couples who, for one reason or another, are unable to bear
children of their own. Now we are here to help these couples start families and
we all take our jobs very seriously here. Now if you insist on this, this
"tom-foolery", I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now, are we
finished?
GEORGE
I'm
sorry. Let's continue.
CATHY
How much
do you weigh?
GEORGE
One-seventy--
CATHY
LOOKS UP FROM COMPUTER
GEORGE
(CON'T)
Two
hundred pounds.
INT.
JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
JERRY IS
NOW READING THE HELP WANTED ADS, KRAMER, THE SPORTS PAGES AND ELAINE, THE
ENTERTAINMENT SECTION.
JERRY
I can't believe
George is actually going through with this. I mean he actually went to a sperm
bank.
(BEAT)
Do you
guys realize that at this very moment, George could actually be making a
deposit?
THEY ALL
SHIVER IN REPULSION.
JERRY
(CON'T)
Do you
think if he deposits a certain amount he'll get a free toaster oven?
KRAMER
I still
can't believe they turned me down. I never get turned down at the blood bank.
JERRY
I wonder
if they have a night depository box there, for those, you know, after hour
drop-off's?
ELAINE
I knew
this woman who went to one of those places, to make a, you know,
"withdrawal". She said she really wanted to have a child but she
didn't want to get married.
KRAMER
Oh well that's
just great! How convenient for her. All a woman has to do to have a child is to
go to one of those places and be inseminated without even shaking a guy's hand.
KRAMER
VIGOROUSLY MIMES SHAKING HANDS.
KRAMER
(CON'T)
It's as
easy as going down to the corner store for a loaf of bread.
JERRY
What do
you think a woman who used a sperm bank tells her children if they ask who
their father is? The moment I saw your father across that crowded freezer, I
knew we were meant to be. Your father's name? It was 23445-56.
SFX:
INTERCOM BUZZES
JERRY
CROSSES TO ANSWER IT.
JERRY
(CON'T)
(INTO
SPEAKER)
Who is
it?
FEMALE
VOICE
Delivery
from Broadway Florists for Gerald Seinfeld.
ELAINE
Gerald?
I never knew your real name is Gerald?
JERRY
It's
not.
(INTO
SPEAKER)
Are you
sure you have the right apartment?
FEMALE
VOICE
Your
super told me this was your apartment.
JERRY
(INTO
SPEAKER)
Who are
the flowers from?
FEMALE
VOICE
Hold on,
let me check.
SFX:
RUSTLING OF CELLOPHANE
FEMALE
VOICE
I think
they're from your parents.
JERRY
Why's
that?
FEMALE
VOICE
Because
the card is signed "love mom and dad."
JERRY
OK, can
you just leave them with the doorman?
FEMALE
VOICE
(PAUSE)
He
already told me to take them up myself.
KRAMER
Come on,
what are you putting her through the third degree for Jerry? Just let her up,
she's a delivery girl for god's sake.
ELAINE
Yeah
Jerry, nobody likes a tip-dodger.
JERRY
(INTO
SPEAKER)
Come on
up.
JERRY
"BUZZES" HER IN AND UNLOCKS THE DOOR.
JERRY
(CON'T)
I wonder
why my parents sent me flowers?
KRAMER
Maybe
it's because they're sorry that they neglected you as a child or for not being
there for you when you need them the most. Or maybe it's just because they feel
so guilty about never paying any attention to you what so ever.
JERRY
My
parents weren't like that.
KRAMER
THINKS.
KRAMER
Oh yeah,
that was my parents.
SFX:
DOOR BELL
JERRY
CROSSES TO DOOR AND OPENS IT. AN ATTRACTIVE, HEAVYSET WOMAN IN HER TWENTIES,
STANDS AT THE DOOR HOLDING A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS AND A CLIPBOARD. WE WILL SOON
LEARN HER NAME IS LORI.
LORI
Mr.
Seinfeld?
JERRY
Here.
SHE
HANDS JERRY THE FLOWERS.
LORI
Here you
go.
JERRY
REACHES INTO HIS POCKET FOR A TIP.
LORI
(CONT'D)
Oh no
please, you don't have to give me a tip, Mr. Seinfeld. All those years of
enjoyment that you've given me is more then enough tip. I just love you.
JERRY
Well
thank you.
HE LOOKS
OVER HIS SHOULDER TO ELAINE AND KRAMER, AND FLASHES THEM A "DID YOU HEAR
THAT" SMILE. LORI JUST STARES AT JERRY, SHE IS IN AWE OF JERRY.
JERRY
(CON'T)
So do
you want me to sign for these?
HE
REACHES FOR CLIPBOARD AND LORI, STILL DAZED BY JERRY, HANDS IT TO HIM.
JERRY
Hey,
this a job application for The Gap!
LORI
(SNAPS
OUT OF IT)
Oh,
it's... um... I, I have a confession to make. I'm not a delivery girl for the
florist. I just really had to meet I wanted to tell you just how wonderful I
think you are, and to tell you what a big influence you've had on my life. I'm
such a huge fan of yours.
AGAIN
JERRY LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER, "DID YOU HEAR THAT."
JERRY
(CON'T)
Well
that's so nice of you to say. (BEAT) So I guess these flowers aren't really
from my parents.
LORI
No, I
bought them from the deli on the corner. But they are from me. Please take
them. They're just a small token of the joy that you have brought me. I'm so
sorry that I lied about them being from your parents but I figured it was the
only way I could get into your building. That was before I knew you had such
crummy security. I once saw you talking about your parents on Carson, so I knew
they weren't dead. I just really had to meet you. Please don't be angry. (BEAT)
You can even do something about thin in your act. This could be an experience you
can use for new material. You're not angry are you?
JERRY
(SARCASTICALLY)
Of
course not. I think it's great how you just made up your mind to meet me and
you didn't let anything stop you. I think it shows great... initiative.
JERRY
HANDS HER BACK THE CLIPBOARD.
LORI
Initiative... yeah. Hey, can you sign this for me?
JERRY
TAKES BACK THE CLIPBOARD.
JERRY
Sure. To
whom should I make it out to?
LORI
Just
write, "To Lori, whose life I have had such a big influence on."
JERRY
DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO WRITE THAT. HE STARTS TO WRITE SOMETHING ELSE.
JERRY
OK, best
wishes, Gerald Seinfeld.
HE HANDS
HER BACK THE CLIPBOARD AND PEN.
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