The Vinegar Chips
|Seinfeld fan fiction
written by Dan Coogan -- http://www.cooganphoto.com
Episode # - The Vinegar Chips
pc: 1001, season 10, episode 1
Broadcast date: --
Written by Dan Coogan
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards ................. Kramer
................. ................. ........... Jackie Chiles
................. ................. ........... Deli Man
................. ................. ........... Bobby (Little boy)
................. ................. ........... Mom
................. ................. ........... Waitress
People always like to think they know more than other people. It makes them feel
superior. A lot of people have that kind of “Jeopardy knowledge” You know...
ding...“What is Prussia” ding... “What is 1787”.... ding... “Who are the Turkish..”
But what does all this really mean? Will it help you when it comes time to buy your
groceries... The cashier says “That’ll be $68.75” and you say “What is broke, Alex?”
[Scene: George and Jerry are driving along in Jerry’s car.]
GEORGE: What do you think Santa did before Rudolph showed up?
JERRY: I think he was instrument rated.
GEORGE: Maybe so.
JERRY: George, I'm gonna pull in here and wash the car -- this thing is filthy.
GEORGE: Well you shouldn’t have driven into that field.
JERRY: You distracted me back there. What was with all that imitating the cows.
(in a funny voice) “Moooooo, Mooooooo -- I’m a Cow, look at me, I’m a Cow.”
GEORGE: It was a good imitation!
JERRY: Well it distracted me! I had to swerve to avoid those couple of chickens crossing
GEORGE: Yeah... poor chickens. (sadly)
JERRY: Yeah, too bad. (grimacing face)
[Scene: A car wash -- Jerry and George are at a self serve car wash.
Jerry parks the car in the car wash bay. There is mud all over the sides of the car and
some chicken feathers stuck to the front. Jerry gives George some quarters to start the
car wash machine. George walks over to put the money in.]
GEORGE: (excited) Hey there’s some time left on the machine.
JERRY: Oh yeah, how much is left?
GEORGE: 47 seconds.
JERRY: 47 seconds? What are you getting so excited about 47 seconds for?
GEORGE: I don’t know. It’s nice to get something for free in this city. You don’t get
anything for free anymore. Do they still give out those free samples at the deli? I use
to love those things. I’d go back to the counter a few times -- You know, it’s not
enough to fill up on, but it could tie you over till your next snack.
JERRY: (sarcastically) So much for the 47 seconds... George, just put the money in
already. We need to get back to the apartment.
[George puts the money in and pushes the start button. Jerry starts spraying the car
GEORGE: Do you want the wax?
JERRY: What? (he can’t hear very well cause of the noise of the water sprayer)
GEORGE: (a little louder this time) Do you want the wax?
JERRY: Not yet. No, wait... I’ll just get the car detailed later this week -- I just want to
hose this baby off for now.
GEORGE: Is it hot?
GEORGE: Is it hot? The water...
JERRY: Yeah, it’s hot. [keeps spraying the car]
GEORGE: Good. Hot is good. Hot, hot hot... like a hot ham and cheese sandwich.
(thinking to himself - I’m hungry) Jerry, I’m gonna run across the street and get a
sandwich, I’ll be right back.
(George makes a hand gesture, motioning that he’ll be right back. Jerry sprays the
water gun at George, as he jogs out of the bay.)
[Scene: George walks into a deli across the street from the car wash. There are a couple
of people at the counter. He starts looking around the store.]
GEORGE: Where are the sandwiches?
DELI MAN: We have them pre-made in that fridge over there, or we can make you a
fresh one, from scratch. (the Deli man scratches his face as he speaks.)
GEORGE: (speaking under his breath) Fresh... yeah right. Those sandwiches are about
as fresh as the day is long.
DELI MAN: Are you talking to me?
GEORGE: Nothing, no.... Um, I guess I just take a number then.
(a little boy about 8 years old walks up behind George and tugs on his pant leg. The
boy coughs a few times. He is holding a Twix candy bar.)
BOBBY: Mister... Mister....
BOBBY: Mister... can you open this for me. (coughs again)
GEORGE: Sure. Oh, Twix, this brings back memories. You like these? Does your
mother know where you are.
BOBBY: Yes. (coughs again)
(George opens the Twix candy. Suddenly the boys’ mother comes running up to them)
MOTHER: Bobby, (sternly) I told you never to talk to strangers!
(George takes a bite of the Twix candy bar, then realizes it’s not his and hands the
candy bar to Bobby.)
MOTHER: And you! Giving candy to my son -- who do you think you are?
(she grabs Bobby’s hand and drags him away)
MOTHER: I told you never to take candy from strangers.
DELI MAN: Next. (Couple walks away from the counter with their food)
GEORGE: Hi, I’ll have a hot ham and cheese sandwich please.
DELI MAN: Coming right up. (starts making the sandwich) You want anything on
GEORGE: Yeah, the works... Hey, let me ask you a question... Do you ever see
chickens running around on the roads up here?
DELI MAN: What are you talking about?
DELI MAN: Chickens eh. Yeah, there’s a farm up the road and those city idiots are
always hitting those poor things. (puts the sandwich in the microwave) We get those
city types hitting chickens and driving off quick like. You from the city?
GEORGE: Me, no. I’m from the country... Big country man... big, big country man,
that’s me. (looking out the window)
DELI MAN: City idiots... (microwave - beep, beep, beep) ... sandwichs’ up.
(starts to ring up the sandwich at the register)
DELI MAN: That’ll be $4.95 for the sandwich...
GEORGE: ...And a Pepsi.
DELI MAN: $1.50, and .85¢ for the candy.
GEORGE: Oh no, no no... that, that wasn't mine!
DELI MAN: I saw you eating it.
GEORGE: It was that kid -- it was his.
DELI MAN: He didn’t pay for any candy. That’ll be $7.92.
(George takes out his wallet and hands him $8.00)
GEORGE: All right, but I only got half of that Twix... I should only pay for half.
DELI MAN: You’re from the city aren’t you? (he hands George .08¢)
GEORGE: Yeah (sighs sadly).
[Scene: Back at the car wash, George walks back in with his sandwich and Pepsi. Jerry
is putting the sprayer back on the wall.]
JERRY: George, let’s go. (motions for George to get in the car) That soap thing is so
slow... It was almost like it was going in reverse. Good water pressure though.
GEORGE: Yeah, it got all the feathers off.
JERRY: Sandwich huh? Didn’t they have any “free samples?”
GEORGE: (quietly) Funny... funny guy.
(They get in the car and drive off down the road. George opens his bag and pulls out
the sandwich, looking at it he quickly realizes something is not right)
GEORGE: I ordered a hot ham and cheese with the works!
JERRY: What did you get?
GEORGE: Turkey and swill! -- this thing is swimming in vinegar!!! -- no works and no
cheese! They screwed me Jerry!
JERRY: I thought you liked vinegar.
GEORGE: Vinegar potato chips yes, but I’d prefer it if my sandwich isn’t doing the back
stroke. (Takes a bite of the sandwich)
JERRY: That’s a shame.
GEORGE: You want a bite?
JERRY: No I don’t.
[Scene: Back at Jerry’s apartment. Jerry and George walking in the door they are in the
middle of a conversation]
JERRY: I’m just saying... cause remember Richie’s intervention a few years ago.
JERRY: What was the name of that rehab they sent him to?
GEORGE: New Directions, I think.
JERRY: Right, New Directions. Well, I guess that’s a better name then Wrong
Directions. Cause then you’d get people coming in all the time and you could never
help them out.
GEORGE: Good one. (makes a face)
[Kramer enters in his usual manner]
JERRY: Hey Kramer.
KRAMER: Jerry, George...
KRAMER: What’s shakin’ boys?
JERRY: Nothing much, just crushing some chickens with my car, and George here is
starting an all vinegar diet.
KRAMER: Vinegar huh? -- that’s peculiar.. haven’t heard about *that* diet.
JERRY: Well it’s new.
KRAMER: I was just reading that new diet book -- you know the one where all you eat
is pie and cream cheese. Yeah you can put anything in a pie and gobble it right up! I’d
like to hear more about this vinegar thing though. You know the chips are soooooo
GEORGE: Yes, the chips are good.
KRAMER: Crushing chickens (makes a sad face) -- poor chickens... they are delicious
JERRY: Hey, when did you start reading that book?
KRAMER: I got it a couple days ago and read it straight through.
JERRY: Oh, so that’s why you’ve been missing in action.
KRAMER: Yep. I stayed up for 48 hours straight -- didn’t even go to the bathroom.
Speaking of which, I need to use your bathroom.
JERRY: Why didn’t you use the bathroom?
KRAMER: I guess I forgot. (heads towards Jerry’s bathroom)
GEORGE: Kramer, how do you stay up for 48 hours straight?
KRAMER: I’m Kramer. (shuts the bathroom door)
GEORGE: Yes you are.
JERRY: Hey, George... Give Elaine a call. We’re supposed to go to a movie later and I
wanna see if she still wants to go.
[George picks up the phone and starts dialing Elaine’s number]
GEORGE: ...Pie and cream cheese... that sounds pretty good. I could do that. It’s
ringing (listening to the phone)
JERRY: Give it to me.
GEORGE: It’s still ringing... ring... ring... ring... Maybe she’s not home.
JERRY: Ya think.
GEORGE: Oh, hi Elaine
JERRY: Give it to me.
GEORGE: Hang on...
ELAINE: George, what’s going on.
GEORGE: Jerry wants to know if you still want to catch a movie later.
ELAINE: Ahh, I did, but I’m just getting my hair washed up here and I’m running late.
Besides I need to call my father.
GEORGE: Your father?
ELAINE: Yeah, well my grandfather is working on his will and he’s got an amusement
park that he needs to unload. My father wants to talk to me about it. Maybe I’ll inherit
GEORGE: Really... I always loved those things. Hey Jerry, Elaine’s grandfather is
leaving her a rollercoaster.
JERRY: A rollercoaster? What is she gonna do with a rollercoaster?
GEORGE: Yeah, what are you gonna do with a rollercoaster?
ELAINE: Charge admission.
KRAMER: (exiting the bathroom) Aghhhhhhhhhh (stretching) that was goooooood.
ELAINE: But you bozos can ride for free.
KRAMER: Charge admission for what?
GEORGE: Riding a rollercoaster? She says we can ride for free.
KRAMER: Roll - Er - Coast - Errrrrrr -- Now there’s a fun word to say -- Roll - Er -
Coast - Errrrrrr .
JERRY: Where is this rollercoaster? Give me that phone --
[George hands him the phone]
JERRY: Where is this rollercoaster?
ELAINE: Upstate -- hey, I gotta get off the phone and call my father.
JERRY: All right then. Call us back.
KRAMER: You know, my great-uncle invented that midway game you see at all the
amusement parks -- you know, the one where you shoot the water into the clowns
mouth and blow up the balloon on the top of his head. He made a fortune.
JERRY: So that’s where you got all your money?
KRAMER: Yep, (claps hands) it’s all Clown Balloon money Jerry. And you know I’ve
always been afraid of clowns, so I’m happy to be shooting them in the head full of
JERRY: Hey, did your great-uncle know Elaine’s grandfather?
KRAMER: He must have. There’s some documentation in my apartment, I’ll be right
back. (singing) “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes... She’ll be
comin’ round the mountain when she comes... [exits]
GEORGE: Clown Balloon money... That explains a lot -- look at that head of hair he’s
JERRY: You got that right.
GEORGE: Well I hope this thing works out for Elaine.
JERRY: Yeah, wouldn’t that be a wild ride... anytime we want, we can just go ride the
GEORGE: That would be great... except for the bumpy ones... I’d be afraid I’d pee
myself... all those bumps... not that that's ever happened to me.
JERRY: Just don’t pee on me.
KRAMER: (from the hall) (singing) “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she
comes.... [enters Jerry’s apartment] I found them Jerry...look right here (slaps the
documents down on the kitchen counter) My great-uncle Marvin never got paid for the
Clown Balloon stand at Elaine’s grandfather’s amusement park --(walks over to the
sink to get a drink straight from the faucet) 30 years of Clowns and balloons and all
that water (water sprays all up in the air) He got RIPPED OFF!. I gotta call Jackie
JERRY: Do you think that’s wise Kramer?
KRAMER: Wise! Wise! I have no idea, but Elaine’s gonna owe me big time.
JERRY: She’s your friend.
KRAMER: This is business buddy
[exits the apartment -- slams door, immediately re-enters the apartment, grabs
KRAMER: Yeah --- (makes wavy hand gesture as the door shuts he pulls his hand into
the hall before it closes)
GEORGE: Wisdom... What is that? That is so overrated.
JERRY: Yeah, so is experience and knowledge.
GEORGE: Jerry... I ‘m going to tell you something about myself... I don’t really know
JERRY: What do you mean?
GEORGE: I really just know enough to be dangerous.
JERRY: I can see that.
[scene - Jackie Chiles office. Kramer walks into Jackie Chiles office to discuss the clownballoon
/ rollercoaster lawsuit -- Jackie is having lunch at his desk and he’s eating vinegar chips.]
KRAMER: (Knocks on door) Jackie?
JACKIE CHILES: Oh No! No, no, no, no, no.
KRAMER: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...
JACKIE: Kramer, what do you want, another free cafe latte?
KRAMER: Jackie, I got a sure thing. Hey, what do you have there?
JACKIE: Sure thing, huh? Oh these are vinegar chips. My secretary got them for me --
KRAMER: Don’t mind if I do (munches on some chips). Jackie, my great-uncle Marvin
never got paid for the Clown Balloon stand at Elaine’s grandfather’s amusement park.
I want you, Jackie Chiles to represent me and get the rollercoaster as a settlement.
(pulls out a manila envelope with the papers)
JACKIE: What are you gonna do with a rollercoaster?
KRAMER: Charge admission.
JACKIE: Now your talking my language...
KRAMER: These chips are good (leans back in the chair thinking about another idea --
he leans back too far in the chair and it topples over.) You know what...these chips just
made me think of a great idea...
JACKIE: More free cafe lattes?
KRAMER: No, no....I want to be frozen after I die... in a state of pickled animation. You
know, cause the brine will keep all the juicy parts, you know <pop sound> Juiiiiicy.
JACKIE: Get out -- and take these chips with you.
JACKIE: All right, I’ll place a few calls...
KRAMER: That’s my Jackie. (opens his arms wide and exits office walking out
[scene - Jerry’s apartment. Door buzzer]
ELAINE: It’s me
JERRY: Come on up
GEORGE: (coming out of the bathroom) Jerry, I think you need to get a new toilet seat.
JERRY: Is that right.
GEORGE: Yeah, that one makes me uncomfortable.
JERRY: I’m a bit uncomfortable myself.
GEORGE: Good one -- no seriously, yours’ is starting to crack and it could lead to an
injury, if you know what I mean.
JERRY: All right, I’ll call the Super.
ELAINE: Jerry, I got a call back from my father... our hipster-dufus friend wants to own
the rollercoaster in my grandfathers amusement park.
GEORGE: Hi Elaine.
JERRY: I told him to drop it.
JERRY: He said it’s just business.
ELAINE: Well he has to be stopped -- I have to have a talk with him.
JERRY: Good luck with all of *that*
ELAINE: You know, sometimes you can be no help at all.
JERRY: Sometimes I’m less help than that.
ELAINE: Yes, that’s true... in any event -- I gotta get Kramer to drop this whole thing.
GEORGE: Maybe you could appeal to his logical side?
ELAINE: Are we talking about the same person?
ELAINE: You two are a piece of work.
(sounds coming from the hallway, Kramer unlocking his door, Elaine goes to open
ELAINE: Hey, Kramer
KRAMER: (apprehensively) Ohhh, uh, Elaine.
ELAINE: Kramer, come in her, we need to have a talk.
KRAMER: Jerry, George.
JERRY: (quietly to George) This should be good.
ELAINE: Listen Kramer... I was talking to my father and he says you got Jacki Chiles
working with you on this whole rollercoaster concoction thing.
KRAMER: Yeah, that’s right.
ELAINE: Well we are going to have to come to some sort of agreement.
KRAMER: Like what?
ELAINE: Maybe we can put our heads together and think of something, but you can’t
have the rollercoaster.
KRAMER: But I want it... and your grandfather never paid my great-uncle Marvin for
the clown-balloon stand.
ELAINE: All right, I’ll look into that, and you think of another way to deal with this.
GEORGE: (quietly to Jerry) That wasn’t that good.
JERRY: Yeah, I was expecting more... I don’t know... something.
KRAMER: All right, whose hungry? I want to get some of those delicious vinegar
GEORGE: I could go for a bite. Hey, how’s that new diet going?
JERRY: Yeah, me too.
KRAMER: Ummm, well I did a bit more research and it seems the author owned a
dairy farm and so there’s some sort of “conflict of interest.”
JERRY: Pie and cream cheese can get to be a bit much, don’t ya think.
KRAMER: On second thought.
GEORGE: The diner awaits.
[Scene: Monks diner, the usual table]
KRAMER: ...Well what about a cotton candy diet.
JERRY: What about a steady diet of hard work and reading?
KRAMER: That’s tough to digest.
JERRY: For a second there I forgot who I was talking to.
GEORGE: I gotta use the bathroom. Order me an onion bagel with cream cheese and a
slice of apple pie ala mode.
JERRY: Starting a new diet?
GEORGE: I like pie, And cream cheese. So what.
JERRY: That’s fantastic.
(Jerry and Kramer sit at the booth)
WAITRESS: What’ll it be?
JERRY: Bowl of Captain Crunch... and for my buoyant friend (points in George’s
direction), an onion bagel with cream cheese and a slice of apple pie a la mode.
KRAMER: I’ll have a steak sandwich and a large bag of vinegar chips and a beer.
WAITRESS: Coming right up
JERRY: So Kramer, what do you really want? You already have plenty of money...
JERRY: And don’t you think Elaine’s friendship is worth more than that...
JERRY: Come on...
KRAMER: Well I might be willing to give her a break, but I gotta pay Jackie too.
JERRY: Good. So you two will work it out then. Cause I can’t spend any more time
trying to find two friends like you two.
GEORGE: (walking up to the table) Were you just talking about me.
KRAMER: Jerry is trying to persuade me to give Elaine a break.
GEORGE: I wish you’d give me a break. Hey, did you order my food?
JERRY: (sarcastically) Seeing as this is my first time in a diner, I’m not really familiar
with the procedure. Of course, it’s coming George.
GEORGE: I don’t know if it’s just me, but the bathroom smells really good today.
JERRY: I’ll be sure to give it a big whiff while I’m in there taking care of business.
GEORGE: Be sure that you do.
KRAMER: I like my bathroom to smell of roses.
JERRY: Everyone loves roses.
GEORGE: I like vanilla.
JERRY: Yeah, vanilla’s good.
WAITRESS: Here you go (puts food on the table)
JERRY: Captain Crunch...
(Elaine enters the diner)
JERRY: I thought you were going to talk to your father.
ELAINE: I did
JERRY: So what did he say?
ELAINE: Well, turns out Kramer was right... but the park didn’t make very much
money over the years. I think it was some sort of tax shelter for my grandfather.
KRAMER: Well you’re still gonna pay me right?
ELAINE: Yeah, I think we came up with a solution.
KRAMER: Well what is it?
ELAINE: You can’t have the rollercoaster, but we figure we can sell off kiddieland and
the petting zoo to get you some money for the clown-balloon stand debt .
GEORGE: Kids are for suckers.
KRAMER: I could go for that. (takes a bite of his steak sandwich)
JERRY: Kramer! What about the kids?
KRAMER: Well... what about them. (talking with his mouth full)
GEORGE: This is good pie.
JERRY: I still say you don’t need the money and can come up with a better solution.
KRAMER: Perhaps. (swallowing)
ELAINE: (getting up to leave) OK, well let me know what you want to do. I gotta let
my father know.
JERRY: Don’t you want some lunch?
ELAINE: No... I’m kind of full. All that, you know... humble pie.
JERRY: Yeah, that’s very filling.
ELAINE: OK, I’ll see you later.
JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER: Bye.
[scene - Jerry's apartment. The phone rings]
ELAINE: Hey it’s Elaine.
JERRY: Hey Lanie.
ELAINE: Jerry is Kramer there? I just tried his apartment.
JERRY: Yeah, he’s right here.
ELAINE: Put him on.
JERRY: Here Kramer, it’s Elaine (hands Kramer the phone)
KRAMER: Oh hi Elaine. Uh huh...yeah, Uh huh, OK, well... Uh huh, all right, all right.
(viewers hear the the sound of Elaine talking but cannot make out what she is saying)
KRAMER: (hangs up the phone) OK then.
JERRY: What did she say?
KRAMER: Well she wants us all to come up to the amusement park.
KRAMER: It’s a surprise.
GEORGE: Oh boy.
JERRY: Good Surprise or Bad Surprise?
KRAMER: Well now what do you think?
JERRY: I think good... at least I hope so.
GEORGE: OK well let’s go then. I want to stop off and get some Pepsi.
JERRY: All right I’ll drive.
KRAMER: Good cause I want to take a nap. It’s about an hour drive right.
KRAMER: Nice little cat nap, meow.
JERRY: I’ll just get my coat kitty.
[scene - Jerry’s car. Shot of Jerry driving. Shot of George drinking his large Pepsi
through a straw, then fiddling with the radio, trying to get a station to come in. Shot of
Kramer sleeping with his mouth wide open]
JERRY: (looking back at Kramer) That’s attractive.
GEORGE: I’ve seen worse.
JERRY: I’m sure.
GEORGE: You should get a load of my father on a long trip. It’s not a pretty picture.
JERRY: It’s no Matisse.
GEORGE: No it’s not.
[scene - Jerry’s car pulling up to the empty parking lot of the amusement park]
JERRY: Hey Kramer we’re here.
JERRY: We’re here.
(Kramer looks out the window. A large smile come to his face)
JERRY: Yeah, wow.
GEORGE: It’s no Coney Island
JERRY: No it’s not. But it is, dut-da-da... “Kramerworld.”
GEORGE: Well this should be interesting.
(Jerry parks the car and they walk up to the gate. Elaine is waiting)
ELAINE: Well... do you like it.
KRAMER: Yeah, it’s nice.
JERRY: What was the name of the park before?
GEORGE: It’s not that far of a stretch.
KRAMER: Did you make the other change you mentioned.
ELAINE: Here’s a mockup of the new design (she holds out a cup with Kramer’s face
JERRY: What’s that for?
ELAINE: It’s the new cotton candy cup holder.
JERRY: So Kramer’s hair is represented here, by the cotton candy...
ELAINE: It was my grandfathers idea.
JERRY: It has a certain understated dignity.
GEORGE: That it does.
JERRY: How are you gonna tell Jackie.
KRAMER: Somehow, I think he already knows.
JERRY: You’re probably right.
[scene - walking through the park, looking around. they arrive at the rollercoaster and
sit in the cars -- Jerry and George in the front car, Elaine and Kramer in the second car.]
GEORGE: This is going to be fun, don’t cha think?
JERRY: I love it, I love it a lot.
(The coaster starts up and they take off up the first hill. More shots of each of the four.)
KRAMER: (as the coaster reaches the first downhill he yells out) YIPPIE-Kye-Aye.
(A few more twists and turns on the coaster and then a close-up shot of George’s face
going through some bumpy parts of the ride. Pull back and they are getting off the ride
and George has a huge wet spot on the front of his pants (he peed himself)
GEORGE: (to Jerry) See, I told ya.
JERRY: You sure did Bif. You sure did
~ Finì ~
You always wonder about these people that go to amusement parks and for fun, ride
some ride umpteen times in a row. These people should be at work, hanging around
the water cooler. Of course the best fun usually involves expelling bodily fluids at some
point. That’s because, life is all about the fluids. Did you ever notice a doctor is always
asking “How are your fluids, Nurse, get him some fluids -- here... pee in this cup.”
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