THE VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND

A Seinfeld fan's script 2003

BY PJAZZ

STANDUP ROUTINE

JERRY

You never see a vampire who's a total slob. Did you ever notice that? They're always smartly dressed. Satin lined jacket, cape, hair neat. You never saw Bela Lugosi in chinos, scuffed reeboks and a Mets vest. Wearing a baseball cap back to front and smoking a stoogie. For the undead they're very fashion consious. And the women vampires. Always in diaphonous gowns, showing plenty of cleavage, hair beautifully styled. Basically what they're saying is - ok so we're evil bloodsucking fiends damned to walk the earth for all of eternity. But hey, we have a feminine side. We moisturise. We like to look our best.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY AND GEORGE.

GEORGE

D'you suppose Superman ever used his X ray vision to spy on girls?

JERRY

He's superman, not Super george.

GEORGE

How about Superboy? A teenager in Smallville with all those hormones raging? You telling me he didn't peek? Oh he peeked.

JERRY

Remember X ray spex advertised inside the comic?

GEORGE

Total conjob. I wasted 5 bucks on them. Lot of money when you're 12.

JERRY

If they actually worked every man in the country would have them. Women would have to wear lead lined underwear.

GEORGE

I bought a pair to spy on Ruthie Finkelstein. Remember her? Her mother caught me staring and gave me such a pounding.

JERRY

Ruthie Finkelstein. Big girl. Early developer.

GEORGE

Big, big girl. I think she hit puberty in kindergarten.

JERRY

I wonder what happened to her?

GEORGE

Probably making a fortune in porno.

ELAINE ENTERS.

ELAINE

Hey.

GEORGE

Hey, Elaine. When did you....you know.

(MIMES BREASTS)

ELAINE

What? Wash my hands?

GEORGE

No. Develop breasts.

ELAINE

13-ish. How about you?

JERRY

Good one.

GEORGE

Very funny. I'll have you know, Elaine, that I can still fit into clothes I bought 6 months ago.

ELAINE

What about clothes you bought 6 years ago?

GEORGE

Hey, we're not talking miracles here.

JERRY

I'm the same size I was in high school.

GEORGE

Now that's abnormal. Isn't that abnormal, Elaine?

ELAINE

What d'you expect? All he eats is cereal.

JERRY

It has all the essential vitamins. Plus added riboflavin.

GEORGE

Riboflavin. Whoopeedoo.

DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER AND NEWMAN ENTER.

JERRY

Kramer. Newman. What d'you want?

KRAMER

We've come to warn Elaine. Before it's too late.

ELAINE

Warn me? Too late for what?

NEWMAN

Your boyfriend, Morgan.

ELAINE

Morgan? What about Morgan? He's not in an accident is he?

KRAMER

He's a vampire.

JERRY

What?

NEWMAN

A fiend of the Night!

KRAMER

The undead, Jerry. A bloodsucker.

JERRY

Have you two completely lost your minds?

ELAINE

There's no such thing as vampires.

GEORGE

Not even in New York.

JERRY

They're a myth. Like your intelligence.

KRAMER

We have it on the highest authority.Morgan is a vampire.

JERRY

What high authority?

NEWMAN

The US Postal Service.

JERRY

Oh this is gonna be good.

NEWMAN

This guy is on my route. He's never in to sign for his packages.

ELAINE

So? He's at work all day.

KRAMER

Is he, Elaine? Or is he resting in coffin in the family crypt waiting for the sun to set.

ELAINE

What crypt? He lives in a duplex on the upper west side.

NEWMAN

I delivered a package once. From Europe. It contained - soil.

KRAMER

Vampires have to sleep on their native soil. In the coffin. I saw it in a movie.

ELAINE

You opened Morgan's mail? Who gave you the right?

NEWMAN

The US Postal Service. Plus we do it all the time. You never know when you might find porn.

KRAMER

Tell me this, Elaine. Have you ever seen Morgan during the day?

ELAINE

Well, No. But only because we're both at work. We were going to the zoo last weekend, but he had to cancel.

KRAMER

Ah ha!

JERRY

Will you crackpots get out of my apartment!

KRAMER

Oh we're going. But I warn you, Jerry. If Morgan bites Elaine she becomes a creature of the night. And if she bites you - pow! - no more sunbathing for you, buddy.

NEWMAN

Beware, Elaine. Beware!

JERRY SHUTS THE DOOR

JERRY

Can you believe those two idiots? Vampires.

GEORGE

You never see an overweight vampire, ever notice that? Or a bald one.

JERRY

I guess that lets you out.

ELAINE

Morgan a vampire. I never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT.

ELAINE AND MORGAN. MORGAN IS TALL AND HANDSOME. HE'S WEARING A CAPE.

WAITER

May I take your cape, sir?

MORGAN

Yes. Thank you.

ELAINE

Wow. A cape. I don't think I've been out with someone who wore a cape before. Isn't it a little unusual?

MORGAN

It's a family trait. My father wears a cape. Even my great grandfather wears a cape.

ELAINE

Your great grandfather? Is he still alive?

MORGAN

Oh yes. We're a very long lived family.

ELAINE

Ri-ght.

WAITER ARRIVES TO TAKE ORDER.

MORGAN

I'll have the steak. Very, very rare. So rare the blood's still fresh in the veins. Haha!

ELAINE LAUGHS UNEASILY

WAITER

And for madam?

ELAINE

I'll have the goulash. With extra garlic. Really love my garlic. Haha!

MORGAN LAUGHS UNEASILY

WAITER EXITS

ELAINE

Ouch! The menu gave me a paper cut.

MORGAN

You're bleeding. Here. Let me.

MORGAN TAKES ELAINE'S FINGER AND SUCKS THE BLOOD OFF.

MORGAN

Hmm! You're delicious, Elaine. I can't wait to taste more of you.

ELAINE

Little old me? No, no. Just plain old O neg running through these veins. Now my friend Jerry's AB positive. The rarest type you can get. I'm sure he'd be much tastier than me.

MORGAN

Haha! I'll try and remember that.

CUT TO

EXT. NIGHT. OUTSIDE ELAINE'S APARTMENT BUILDING.

ELAINE AND MORGAN.

MORGAN

It's been a wonderful evening, Elaine.

ELAINE

Yeah. It's been...something.

MORGAN LEANS IN TO KISS ELAINE BUT RECOILS FROM THE GARLIC ON HER BREATH. INSTEAD HE SMOOCHS ON HER EXPOSED NECK.

CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S SHOCKED EXPRESSION.

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY. THE DOOR OPENS. ELAINE ENTERS. SHE HAS A VISIBLE HICKEY ON HER NECK.

JERRY

Well well. If it isn't the bride of Dracula. How was your date with the Count?

ELAINE

Let me put it this way. He wears a cape. Likes his meat raw. Loves the taste of my blood. And his family live forever. Ringing any bells?

JERRY

What's that on your neck? Is that a hickey?

ELAINE

Yeah. That's another thing. Morgan didn't kiss me on the lips.

JERRY

I'm not surprised. You reek, Elaine. Garlic. Use a mouthwash.

ELAINE

Quit bugging me about the garlic.

JERRY

You actually believe Kramer and Newman's vampire nonsense?

ELAINE

Jerry, when Morgan left I went up to my apartment and pulled the drapes. Outside the window I saw a bat. Flying west.

JERRY

You think it was Morgan? I guess being a bat would save on cab fares.

ELAINE

It's not funny, Jerry. I can't become a vampire. I just can't. I'm not a nocturnal person. Mr. Peterman would never let me work nights. And the sallow complexion. My God, the sallow complexion. I need my rays.

DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A LARGE CRUCIFIX HANGING ROUND HIS NECK.

KRAMER

Hey Jerry, can I borrow---

(SPOTS ELAINE)

Jerry, Elaine's neck! Vampire bite!

JERRY

You idiot. It's a hickey.

KRAMER

Back! Get back! Foul fiend!

KRAMER PUSHES THE CRUCIFIX IN ELAINE'S FACE.

ELAINE

Ow! Kramer, that hit me!

KRAMER

See, Jerry. She recoiled from the cross. Vampires fear the cross.

ELAINE

Of course I recoiled. You hit me right in the face, you doofus.

KRAMER

You keep her here. I'll get a priest.

KRAMER EXITS

ELAINE

Never mind the priest. Bring a psychiatrist!

EXT. DAY. NYC STREET.

GEORGE IS AT A NEWSTAND FLICKING THROUGH THE MAGAZINES.

RUTHIE FINKELSTEIN AND HER MOTHER APPROACH.

RUTHIE

George? George Costanza? It is you.

GEORGE

Ruthie Finkelstein?

DISSOLVE TO __

***FLASHBACK

***12 YEAR OLD GEORGE IS STARING AT A 12 YEAR OLD RUTHIE.

***RUTHIE

***Mommie! George Costanza is looking at me funny!

***MRS FINKELSTEIN

***Stop staring at my daughter! You wicked, wicked boy!

***MRS FINKELSTEIN HITS GEORGE WITH HER WALKING STICK.

DISSOLVE TO PRESENT DAY.

GEORGE IS STARING AT RUTHIE

RUTHIE

Ma! George Costanza's looking at me funny!

MRS FINKELSTEIN

Stop staring at my daughter! You wicked, wicked man!

MRS FINKELSTEIN HITS GEORGE WITH HER WALKING STICK.

INT. DAY. MONK'S.

JERRY IN A BOOTH.

GEORGE ENTERS. HIS HAIR IS MUSSED, TIE AND COLLAR ASKEW. THERE'S A LARGE PURPLE BRUISE ON HIS NECK.

GEORGE SITS OPPOSITE JERRY.

JERRY

What the hell happened to you?

GEORGE

I ran into Ruthie Finkelstein. Her mother caught me.

JERRY

Caught you? Doing what?

GEORGE

I think I ogled.

JERRY

Ogled? Are you sure?

GEORGE

It might have been an appreciative look. I'm not sure. It happened so fast.

JERRY

Tell me this. Did your eyes bug out?

GEORGE

Maybe. A little.

JERRY

Did you suffer tunnel vision?

GEORGE

Yes. Severe tunnel vision.

JERRY

Hmm. How about tongue lolling? Was there any tongue lollage?

GEORGE

They may have been some inadvertant tongue lolling. But definitely no dribbling.

JERRY

Then you, my friend, ogled.

GEORGE

Ok.Ok. I ogled. Anyone would ogle, Jerry. Ruthie Finkelstein's bosom is like the Great Wall of China. You could see it from outer space.

JERRY

Wow.

GEORGE

Her mother whacked me with her walking stick. It was deja vu all over again.

JERRY

Dangerous thing a woman's bosom. A principal cause of traffic accidents. 'I don't know what happened, officer. I was driving along, doing a steady 30, when suddenly a woman appeared out of nowhere. Double-ds. Next thing I know my fender's wrapped round a hydrant.'

GEORGE

It's the jiggle. I think I could resist if it wasn't for the jiggle.

WOMAN WALKS PAST THE BOOTH

JERRY/GEORGE

The jiggle.

KRAMER ENTERS

KRAMER

Hey amigos! George, what's that on your neck?

GEORGE

My neck?

KRAMER

Morgan bit you as well!

JERRY

Kramer---

KRAMER

It's just you and me left now, Jerry!

KRAMER EXITS

GEORGE

What's with Kramer?

JERRY

He's still got this crazy idea in his head Morgan's a vampire. He's even got Elaine spooked.

GEORGE

You know, being a vampire wouldn't be such a bad life.

JERRY

Death. They're the undead.

GEORGE

Whatever. No job, do nothing but drink and sleep. Chow down on any beautiful woman's neck takes your fancy. Even dead they lead a better life than I do.

JERRY

I don't see you as a vampire.

GEORGE

You don't? Why not?

JERRY

You don't seem the type.

GEORGE

Cause I'm short, bald and carrying a few extra pounds? Well let me tell you something, my friend. I could be a vampire. I could suck blood, baby. Not the type? You just try me!

GEORGE EXITS

EXT. NIGHT. CAB.

ELAINE AND MORGAN.

IT'S A STORMY NIGHT. LIGHTNING, THUNDER, ETC.

CAB DRIVER

Where to?

MORGAN

To the castle.

ELAINE

The...the castle?

MORGAN

Castle Apartment building. Upper West side. Where I live.

ELAINE

Ah.

MORGAN

It's certainly a wild and stormy night. I enjoy a good storm. Makes the blood sing in the veins. Don't you think, Elaine?

ELAINE

Ri-ght. Sing. In the veins.

MORGAN

And it's a full moon. A Hunter's moon.

ELAINE

Why is it called a Hunter's moon?

MORGAN

Because a full moon makes it easier for predators to stalk their prey. They bide their time, then when the prey least expects it they...pounce!

ELAINE JUMPS NERVOUSLY.

MORGAN

Hahaha!

ELAINE

(FEEBLY)

Hahaha.

CUT TO

INT. NIGHT. MORGAN'S APARTMENT.

MORGAN OPENS THE DOOR AND TRIES THE LIGHT, WHICH FAILS.

MORGAN

Damn. The storm must have knocked out the power. I'll get a torch.

ELAINE ENTERS THE APARTMENT. SHE STUMBLES BLINDLY AGAISNT A LARGE WOODEN CASE. THE LID FALLS OFF. THERE IS SOIL INSIDE.

ELAINE

Omigod! Morgan's coffin. Kramer was right. He's a vamp---

ELAINE FAINTS.

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY, KRAMER AND NEWMAN.

IT'S THE NEXT DAY. JERRY IS RECOUNTING ELAINE'S STORY.

KRAMER

I knew it! Morgan's a vampire. Go on, Jerry. What happened next?

NEWMAN

Did the vile creature drink deep of Elaine's blood? Is Elaine now.. undead? Did that foul fiend have his way with her?

JERRY

If you two idiots would shut up and let me finish. According to Elaine, when she came to the power was back on. She saw that what she thought was Morgan's coffin was actually a potting box.

KRAMER

A potting box?

JERRY