THE ULTIMATE CATFIGHT

A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz

2003

INT. DAY. TONIO'S RESTAURANT, NYC.

ELAINE ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER TO SPEAK TO NORA, THE WAITRESS.

ELAINE

Excuse me. Do have a restroom? A need the toilet real bad.

NORA

Yeah, we got a restroom.

ELAINE

Great. I've been in meetings all day. Coffee coffee coffee. You know how it is.

NORA

(SARCASTIC)

Oh yeah. I got high powered business meetings coming out my butt.

ELAINE

So if I can just...

NORA

Restroom's for customers only.

ELAINE

It'll only take a minute.

NORA

Customers only. Ya gotta buy something.

ELAINE

Ok. I'll have a Latte. To go.

NORA

Latte. To go. Eight bucks.

ELAINE

(HANDS OVER $10)

Keep the change. Now can I use the restroom?

NORA

Nope.

ELAINE

What? I bought a Latte. I'm a customer.

NORA

Latte to go doesn't count.

ELAINE

You didn't tell me that.

NORA

You didn't ask.

ELAINE

Currant bagel. That okay?

NORA

Sure. Your money.

ELAINE

Where's the restroom?

NORA

Closed. Out of order.

ELAINE

What? You didn't you tell me that.

NORA

You didn't ask.

ELAINE

So I wasted my money on a bagel and a latte?

NORA

You ordered them.

ELAINE

To. Use. The. Restroom. Hello? Are you a moron?

NORA

Are you calling me a moron?

ELAINE

Since you're the only moron here, I guess I must be.

NORA

That there's fighting talk.

ELAINE

Bring it on!

INT. DAY. OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE.

GEORGE IS HAVING HIS EYES TESTED.

DOC

I think you may have early signs of glaucoma, Mr Costanza. You'll need to use eye drop twice a day. And wear these dark glasses.

DOC HANDS GEORGE A PAIR OF DARK WRAPAROUND SUNGLASSES.

GEORGE

Hey. Cool. Just like Elwood's.

DOC

Elwood?

GEORGE

Elwood Blues. The Blues Brothers.

DOC

This is potentially serious, Mr Costanza. Keep them on at all times. Even indoors.

GEORGE

No problem, Doc.

GEORGE ADMIRES HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR. HE TURNS HIS SHIRT COLLAR UP. LOOKING COOL.

CUTAWAY TO

EXT. DAY. SIDEWALK.

GEORGE, WEARING HIS WRAPAROUND SHADES, IS AWITING FOR TRAFFIC TO CLEAR TO CROSS THE STREET.

JILL, AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE, WAITS BESIDE HIM TO CROSS. SHE NOTICES GEORGE'S SHADES AND MISTAKES HIM AS BLIND.

JILL

Do you need help crossing the street?

GEORGE

Pardon me?

JILL

I'll help you.

SHE TAKES GEORGE'S ARM. THEY CROSS THE STREET TOGETHER.

JILL

I think you're very brave. I wouldn't walk the streets if I was blind.

GEORGE

Blind.

(TWIGGING)

Oh you get used to it. Not a big deal.

JILL

Do you have a guide dog?

GEORGE

Sure. He's... at the vets. Being wormed. I'm George Costanza.

JILL

Jill Hendricks.

GEORGE

Would you like to go out to dinner sometime? Catch a movie?

JILL

Movie?

GEORGE

I like to listen. Even if I can't see the screen.

JILL

Well...

GEORGE

I understand. A pretty girl, blind man.

JILL

No, no. It's nothing like that.

GEORGE

Hey don't worry about it. Get it all the time.

JILL

Ok. I will. Perhaps I could meet your guide dog. What's his name?

GEORGE

His name. His name is Vandelay. Had him for years. Don't know what I'd do without him. Man's best friend and all.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER.

JERRY

You got into a catfight with a waitress at Tonio's?

KRAMER

Tonio's do a great Danish. Did you order that?

ELAINE

I didn't want to order anything. I just needed to use the restroom. But this waitress was crazy. We got in this stupid fight.

JERRY

Who won?

ELAINE

Well, she had the weight advantage. But I had the speed.

KRAMER

Oh yeah. You're fit. You're limber. You work out. You're Sugar Elaine Benes.

JERRY

Sugar Elaine Benes? What are you, Howard Cosell?

KRAMER

Jab and move, baby. Jab and move.

KRAMER STARTS SHADOW BOXING.

ELAINE

Anyway, I gave her the Benes one-two.

JERRY

You mean...

ELAINE

Uh huh. Get out!

JERRY

I know those get out's. They're lethal.

ELAINE

No one messes with Sugar Elaine Benes.

INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY, ELAINE, KRAMER AND GEORGE SHARE A BOOTH.

JERRY

You're pretending to be blind to get a date? That's a new low,George, even by your standards.

GEORGE

I'm so low I could limbo dance under a centipede, baby. All I need now is a guide dog.

ELAINE

A guide dog?

GEORGE

I told her I have a guide dog called Vandelay.

KRAMER

My friend Bob Saccamano can get you a dog. What kind you want, buddy?

GEORGE

What's it matter? Not as if I actually need it to guide me.

ELAINE

George, does it ever occur to you you might go to hell?

JERRY

Oh that's a done deal. George has a first class non refundable ticket.

GEORGE

And what makes you so certain you won't, Elaine?

ELAINE

Oh no. Not me. No sir. You guys mebbe. Not Elaine. Lainy's going with the harps and the angels and the long white flowing robes.

JERRY

Yeah right.

GEORGE

Gimme a break.

ELAINE

I am!

KRAMER

Elaine, you're damned by association. Wherever we go - pop -you go.

GEORGE

When we're shoveling coal in the furnaces of hell, you'll be right there with us.

ELAINE

No. No. Don't say that. I'm not good in a warm climate. My hair frizzes.

EXT. DAY. NYC STREET. ELAINE.

ELAINE WALKING ALONG NOTICES A CHURCH.

CUTAWAY TO

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH.

ELAINE ENTERS A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH.

ELAINE

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

FATHER THOMAS

Bless you, my child. How long since your last confession?

ELAINE

Years and years. And years. I have slept with many men. Many, many men.

FATHER

I see.

ELAINE

All total losers. Will I go to hell?

FATHER

Well---

ELAINE

Oh and I have these three friends. You wouldn't believe what they get up to. There's one called George---

FATHER

George Costanza?

ELAINE

You know George?

FATHER

Oh yes. Mr Costanza has quite a reputation.

ELAINE

But he's not catholic.

FATHER

There's a certain ammount of cross denominational gossip. Mr Costanza's name has come up a number of times. Some in the clergy think him not a real man but a myth, a bogeyman to scare unruly children.

ELAINE

He's real. Believe me.

FATHER

In that case, perhaps you could get his autograph for me?

ELAINE

If I get it will it keep me from going to hell?

FATHER

It's a small step in the right direction.

INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT.

GEORGE AND JILL. GEORGE IS STILL WEARING HIS WRAPAROUNDS PRETENDING TO BE BLIND.

JILL

How long have you been blind?

GEORGE

Oh quite a while. It's no picnic I can tell ya.

JILL

You're so brave.

GEORGE

Yes I am. And intuitive. I bet I can describe how you look. Five-two. Brunette. Hair parted in the middle. Hah! And your eyes are green.

JILL

Yes! George, how did you do that?

GEORGE

It's a knack.

JILL SPILLS HER WINE.

JILL

Damn. I've got wine on my dress. Could we go back to my apartment so I can change? It's just a couple of blocks.

GEORGE

Sure thing. Just point me at the door.

CUTAWAY TO

INT. JILL'S APARTMENT.

GEORGE AND JILL ENTER.

JILL

Won't be long.

GEORGE

Take all the time you need.

JILL STARTS TO UNDRESS. GEORGE IS SURPRISED THEN REALISES HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE BLIND.

JILL

George, are you ok? You're perspiring.

GEORGE

Never felt better in my life.

INT. DAY. CORRIDOR LEADING TO JERRY AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS.

JERRY AND GEORGE.

JERRY

She stripped naked in front of you?

GEORGE

Naked. She thinks I'm blind remember. I'm like Superman with X ray vision.

JERRY

And on a first date.

GEORGE

Where's Elaine these days?

JERRY

She's taking Bible studies with Father Thomas. That talk about going to hell really freaked her out.

GEORGE

Hell!

(SNORTS)

Hell will be full of short bald men like me who never got a break.

JERRY

You'll feel right at home.

KRAMER APPEARS IN HIS DOORWAY.

KRAMER

Hey, compadres. Check it out.

JERRY AND GEORGE ENTER KRAMER'S APARTMENT. HE HAS INSTALLED A FULL SIZE BOXING RING.

JERRY

You built a boxing ring in your apartment? Why?

KRAMER

Elaine's fight at Tonio's got me thinking.

JERRY

This you call thinking?

GEORGE

Hey Kramer, where's that guide dog you promised me? Jill wants to meet Vandelay.

KRAMER

Right here, buddy. There you go.

KRAMER HANDS GEORGE A DACHSHUND, A SMALL DOG.

GEORGE

A dachshund? What kind of guide dog is a dachshund?

KRAMER

It was all Bob Saccamano had.

GEORGE

I'm going to look pretty stupid using a dachshund as a guide dog.

THE DACHSHUND PEES ON GEORGE'S LEG.

JERRY

Ah look. He likes you.

INT. DAY. GYM.

MEL, A PRETTY BLONDE, IS PRACTICING KICK BOXING. JERRY WALKS BY. HE LIKES WHAT HE SEES.

JERRY

Pretty slick moves.

MEL

Just letting off steam. I'm supposed to be training my sister Nora. But she's late.

JERRY

You're her personal trainer?

MEL

No. A woman beat her up last week. I'm teaching her some moves so if she ever sees her again - pow! Kinda hard to train in here though.

JERRY

My neighbour has a boxing ring in his apartment. I'm sure he'd let you use it.

MEL

That'd be great. Thanks.

JERRY

I'm Jerry.

MEL

Mel.

INT. DAY. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.

NORA, THE WAITRESS FROM TONIO'S, AND HER SISTER MEL ARE SPARRING IN THE RING. KRAMER, IN TRACK SUIT, WATCHES.

KRAMER

Pretty fancy boxing, ladies.

MEL

Thanks Kramer. Why don't you get in the ring and let Nora trade some punches?

KRAMER GETS IN THE RING. HE PUTS ON BOXING GLOVES. HE DOES SOME EXAGGERATED ALI SHUFFLES WHICH ALMOST MAKE HIM FALL OVER.

MEL

Hit him, Nora!

NORA WHACKS KRAMER IN THE STOMACH. HE DOUBLES UP IN PAIN.

MEL

Hit him again!

NORA WHACKS KRAMER ON THE CHIN. HE FLIPS OVER.

MEL

Great stuff, Kramer. Thanks.

KRAMER

(GROGGY)

Giddyup.

ELAINE ENTERS.

ELAINE

Kramer, you seen Jerry? There's no answer at his door.

NORA

You!

ELAINE

Excuse me?

NORA

(TO MEL)

She's the one from the other day.

MEL

You think you can beat up my sister and get away with it?

ELAINE

Oh that. Listen that was all a misunderstanding.

NORA

I want a rematch.

ELAINE

What? I'm not going to fight you.

MEL

What's the matter - you yellow?

NORA

She's chicken. A big scaredy-cat chicken.

ELAINE

I am so out of here.

NORA

And you've got greasy hair!

ELAINE

Hey! No one disses my hair. You wanna fight? You got it.

MEL

Friday. 7 o'clock. Here. Ok with you, Kramer?

KRAMER

Oh yeah.

EXT. DAY. NYC STREET.

GEORGE AND JILL. GEORGE HAS HIS DACHSHUND.

JILL

This is Vandelay? I didn't know dachshund's could be guide dogs.

GEORGE

Oh yeah. Vandelay is a special kind of dachshund specially bred for the job.

JILL

Aren't his legs a little short?

GEORGE

He can shift plenty when he wants to. Can't you, boy?

VANDELAY BITES GEORGE'S HAND.

JILL

Did he just bite you?

GEORGE

He's just playful.

JILL

You're bleeding.

GEORGE

What's a little blood?

VANDELAY RUNS AWAY.

GEORGE

Vandelay, come back!

GEORGE RUNS AFTER VANDELAY AND GRABS HIM. HIS SUNGLASSES FALL OFF.

GEORGE

That was close. He was half way to the subway.

JILL

You're not blind at all. You lied to me, George.

GEORGE

I am kinda short sighted.

JILL

Goodbye.

GEORGE

My optrometrist says I could have glaucoma in a few years. Can I call you?

JILL

Go to hell, George.

GEORGE

Pretty much a certainty.

INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER.

ELAINE IS SEATED ON A CHAIR. SHE IS IN FULL BOXING KIT - WHITE LACE UP BOOTS, RED SATIN SHORTS, WHITE SINGLET AND LEATHER HEADGUARD. KRAMER IS LACING HER BOXING GLOVES.

JERRY

So you're really going through with this?

KRAMER

She has to, Jerry. I've got 50 people in my place. At $20 a head.

ELAINE

You charged 20 bucks to see me fight?

KRAMER

Well yeah. I got overheads, Elaine.

JERRY

Where's Mel? I'm thinking of asking her out.

ELAINE

Her sister wants to kill me, and you want a date?

KRAMER

Newman's place. Getting Nora ready to rumble.

ELAINE

I'm just glad Father Thomas can't see me. I'd be in hell for sure.

KRAMER

Just remember, jab and move. Jab and move.

ELAINE

You know, I'm sure Nora's really a very warm and sweet person when you get to know her.

CUTAWAY TO

INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT. NORA AND MEL.

NORA IS WEARING BLACK LACE UP BOOTS, BLACK SATIN SHORTS, BLACK SINGLET AND LEATHER HEADGUARD. MEL IS LACING HER GLOVES.

MEL

Are you ready to rumble?

NORA

I'm ready.

MEL

What you going to do to her?

NORA

Kill the bitch!

MEL

I can't hear you.

NORA

KILL THE BITCH!

INT. NIGHT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.

ELAINE AND NORA ARE IN THE RING. NEWMAN IS THE REFEREE.

KRAMER

Remember, Elaine. Bob and weave. Duck and dive. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

JERRY

Do you even know what you're talking about?

KRAMER

Put your gumshield in, Elaine.

ELAINE

Gum shield? What's that for?

KRAMER

Stop your teeth getting knocked out.

ELAINE

(WITH GUMSHIELD IN)

Mmmf? Krmr? Mf tth? yr gtt kddng rght?

JERRY SMILES AND WAVES ACROSS AT MEL. SHE SMILES AND WAVES BACK.

JERRY

I am so asking her out.

NEWMAN

Ladies and gentlemen. In the blue corner. From Queens. Weighing in at 160 pounds. Smokin' Nora Slobotnik!

CHEERS

NEWMAN

In the red corner. From the upper east side. Weighing in at 110 pounds. Sugar Elaine Benes!

CHEERS

NEWMAN

Seconds out. Round one.

BELL SOUNDS

FATHER THOMAS ENTERS AND TAPS KRAMER ON THE SHOULDER.

FATHER THOMAS

Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Elaine Benes?

KRAMER

Sugar Elaine? That's her. Red trunks.

FATHER THOMAS

Elaine?

ELAINE

Father Thomas!

ELAINE TURNS HER HEAD TO LOOK AT FATHER THOMAS.

IN CLOSE UP SLOW MOTION WE SEE NORA THROW A RIGHT CROSS PUNCH THAT LANDS FLUSH ON ELAINE'S JAW.

THE SCENE FREEZES.

MUSIC

CREDITS ROLL

***THE END***