Seinfeld script "The TV Repairman"

Written by Roger Hupfauer

 

[Jerry in kitchen trying to open bottle of aspirin.]

[George distraut over troubles with Karen.]

 

George:     Hey, Jerry, wanna go bowling?

Jerry:         Bowling?

George:     Ya, bowling. You know; round ball, ten pins.

Jerry:         [Looks George straight faced with a look of disbelief] Bowling.

George:     What's wrong with bowling? Everybody bowls. Nixon bowled.

Jerry:         [Saying it to make fun of George] I suppose you have your own ball, too?

George:     Yeah, I just bought it.

Jerry:         You're out of work and you bought a bowling ball. [Shakes his head in disbelief.]

George:     [Defensively] I needed a bowling ball.

Jerry:         You want to go bowling on a Friday night. What's Karen doing?

George:     I don't know, she's not talking to me.

Jerry:         [Trying to open a bottle of aspiring] You know these child proof bottles are really hard to open.

 

[Door buzzes, it's Elaine, Jerry lets her in, still trying to open the bottle.]

 

George:     Try a knife. So you don't want to go bowling?

Jerry:         [Rolls his eyes]. I don't know. I'm supposed to see a movie with Elaine.

George:     You always go to the movies with Elaine! It's a wonder you two ever broke up.

Jerry:         We like movies. Besides, she's paying.

George:     Well, if you don't want to go bowling, could I tag along to the movie?

Jerry:         I don't see why not.

George:     Is she going to pay for me, too?

 

[Elaine walks in.]

 

Elaine:       Hey, I just saw Karen outside, boy is she pissed!

Jerry:         Elanine, can you open this?

George:     Did she say anything? Did she ask about me?

Elaine:       [Looking at Jerry] No.

George:     [Thinking Elaine was saying no to his question] No! No!

Jerry:         Well how the heck you supposed to open these. Maybe Kramer can open it.

Elaine:       May-be. [smacks lips as she says it]

 

[Jerry grabs cordless and dials Kramer's number]

 

George:     Well, what did she say!

Elaine:       She said, "If you happen to see George, tell him I want my money by Friday."

Jerry:         Why do you owe Karen money?

Elaine:       Yeah, whatta ya doing borrowing money from a girlfriend for?

George:     I didn't borrow! ItÕs for a stupid little bet we had.

Jerry:         Whad cha bet on?

George:     Well, we're over at her place, getting cozy on the couch, watching a little TV. I'm channel surfing and I stop on big time wrestling.

Jerry:         Oh, that stuff is so phoney!

George:     [Offended] It is not! I happen to have gone to one of those matches and believe be buddy boy, it's real. It's real alright!

 

[Elaine, sipping from bottle of water is trying not to laugh at George.]

[Kramer comes sliding in].

 

Kramer:     Oh, hey George. Elaine. [Looks at Jerry]. What's up?

Jerry:         Can you open this?

Kramer:     Let me try.

George:     AS I WAS SAYING, we're getting real cozy, things are going great when I stop on big time wrestling. Well, she starts making fun of the guys, saying how it's all fake and nobody really hits anyone. One thing leads to another and we get into a fight.

Elaine:       She hit you!

George:     No, she didn't hit me!

Jerry:         [Jerry, trying not to laugh at George.]. Then what.

Elaine:       Yeah, then what?

Kramer:     Jerry, you still got a headache?

Jerry:         Can't open it either, huh. See, these stupid things are more than child proof. They're grown up proof. I'm going to write a letter to them and tell them just how hard it is to open these. This is ridiculous. Who are they trying to keep out? I can't open this.

George:     Do you want to hear this or not!

 

[Everyone turns towards George]

 

Jerry:         So you were saying she hit you.

George:     SHE DIDN'T HIT ME!

Elaine:       Well what happened?

George:     Well, you know that big wrestler 'The TV Repairman'?

Jerry:         Yeah, the guy that always comes out with a tool belt and his pants halfway down so everyone can see his butt.

Elaine:       [Talking to herself] Why do grown men watch that trash?

George:     Karen bet me that he would lose against 'Tiny Tim', the midget wrestler. So I bet her $100.

Elaine:       You bet her a HUNDRED bucks!!

 

[Kramer is in the background going nuts trying to open the aspirin bottle]

 

Jerry:         And naturally you lost.

George:     Yeah.

Jerry:         So, now you owe her a hundred bucks.

George:     Yeah.

Jerry:         How could you do such a thing!?

George:     I didn't think she was serious! I don't have a hundred bucks! Jer, she expects me to pay her.

Kramer:     You gotta pay her if you ever want [Kramer raises his eyebrows, makes that half devious smile, and makes a slight motion to reference sex] some ku-chee go-chee with her again.

Elaine:       I don't think you'll have to worry about it anymore.

Jerry:         Why not?

Elaine:       Women's intuition. You're finished. She's not going to want you anymore.

Kramer:     How could you make a bet like that? You know Tiny Tim is going to win.

George:     The only reason he won was because he cheated. [To Elaine] What do you mean I'm finished?

Elaine:       Oh, you're finished alright. Trust me. And listen to you guys, arguing over some stupid wrestling show.

Kramer:     How'd he cheat?

George:     I didn't see it exactly, but I know he did. How else did he win!

Kramer:     Ahhhhhh! Don't you read Pro Wrestling?

Jerry:         Pro Wrestling? They have a magazine on this?

Kramer:     Oh yeah. Gives all the results, stats, it's like Baseball weekly, only better.

George:     That's just great! Just great!

Jerry:         Well, Biff, you should know better than to make a bet with a girlfriend. Never bet with a girlfriend.

Elaine:       Why, you bet with me once.

Jerry:         When did we ever bet?

Elaine:       Remember when Stacy and Eric got married, you bet me they'd be divorced in less than a year.

Jerry:         Oh yeah. And if I remember correctly, they got divorced three months later.

Elaine:       [Quick to change the subject] Well, are you ready for the movie?

Kramer:     You guys going to see a movie? Can I go?

George:     I'm going.

Kramer:     [To Jerry] You asked George, but not me. What, I'm only good enough to open aspirin bottles but not to go to movies?

Jerry:         I didn't ask George. He asked me.

Kramer:     Then why'd Elaine ask you if you're ready?

Jerry:         Because Elaine and I were supposed to go, and George came over and asked if I wanted to go bowling. I didn't want to, so George asked if he could come with us.

Elaine:       Hey, I love bowling! Let's go bowling instead.

Jerry:         But I thought you wanted to see this movie.

Elaine:       Ah, I'll wait 'til it comes out on cable.

Jerry:         [Turning to Kramer] You want to go bowling?

Kramer:     I'll get my ball!

 

[At bowling alley, front desk getting shoes.]

 

Jerry:         I still don't see what all the fuss is about bowling. It's so [pauses to find the right word] stupid.

Elaine:       Shhhh! You want everyone here to hear you?

Jerry:         I don't care, let 'em hear.

George:     [George is taking care of the shoe rentals.] Elaine, what size shoe?

Jerry:         Seven!

Elaine: :     Seven?!? I wear a six!

George:     Kramer, what size shoe?

Kramer:     Well, I don't know. What size you got?

Clerk:        What size you need?

Kramer:     Something in a brown 11 Double D, slight rise in the mid sole, with a tapered toe.

Clerk:        How's a blue 12?

Kramer:     Giddey up!

 

[Kramer takes the shoe without saying a word.]

[Everyone takes their shoes and sits down at their assigned alley.]

 

Jerry:         Why they got to put these big numbers on the shoes? What, they afraid someone is gonna steal them?

George:     I don't know. It kinda adds that bowling feel to it. Gives it that "hey, I'm a bowler" look.

Jerry:         Yeah, that's important when you're in a bowling alley. Hate to be confused for a wrestler.

Kramer:     You guys want to take some practice shots first?

Elaine:       Wow, these shoes are really uncomfortable.

Jerry:         That's cause you're a seven.

Elaine:       [Elaine hits Jerry on the chest yelling] "I am not a seven!!" [Other bowlers stare at her].

 

[Kramer steps up on the alley, starts his approach, begins to slip all over the floor, drops the bowling ball, spins in circle holding his hair.]

 

Kramer:     Little heavy on the floor wax. Someone is gonna hurt themselves on this. [Still slipping].

 

[Kramer regains composure, throws his first ball and it's a strike; spins around, makes that face of his]

 

Kramer:     Just warming up boys, just warming up.

George:     Jerry, can you keep score?

Jerry:         You mean to tell me you actually own your own bowling ball but don't know how to keep score? That's like a librarian not knowing how to read.

George:     I never got to keep score! My father always did it. He didn't trust me; always thought I'd cheat.

 

[Elaine is making eye contact with a guy several lanes over.].

 

Jerry:         Well, I'm not the bowler here. Someone has gotta keep score.

Kramer:     Ahhhhh. You two. It's so easy. All you gotta do is write down how many pins get knocked over on the first throw, then write down how many get knocked over on the second. If all of them fall on the second throw, you make a slash [Gestures with his hand violently]. That's a spare. If you knock 'em all down on your first shot, that's a strike. You add one frame after the spare, two after the strike. Fifth frame is the beer frame, tenth is three shots if you get all ten on the first two. Now what's so tough about that?

Jerry:         [Sarcastically] Oh, now that you've explained it, it's all so clear.

George:     Well, let's start. I'll go first.

Kramer:     Why should you go first?

George:     You want to go first?

 

[George steps up with his new ball, throws it. It's a gutter ball.]

 

Jerry:         Not bad, Georgie boy. I see that new ball was made just for you.

George:     I'm just warming up, baby! Just warming up! I gotta get used to this new ball.

 

[George takes second shot.]

 

Elaine:       Hey Jerry, whatta you think of that guy over there?

Jerry:         What guy?

Elaine:       The guy with the flannel shirt.

Jerry:         You like flannel? You always hated it when I wore flannel.

Elaine:       Yeah, but that was on you. Some guys look good in it. It gives a man that rugged, manly look.

Jerry:         You saying I don't look good in flannel?

Elaine:       I'm not saying

Jerry:         You don't think I'm manly enough, do you?

Elaine:       It's not that you're not

Jerry:         See George, it's all your fault!

George:     What!? What did I do??

Jerry:         All your talk of impotence. You ruined it for me. [Referring to the episode where Jerry must "have sex to save the friendship"]

George:     Whatta you talking about?

Jerry:         Just forget it.

Elaine:       I think he's cute.

Jerry:         What, did you come here to bowl or pick up guys. Besides, you don't want to date a guy that bowls.

George:     [Defensively] What's wrong a guy that bowls!? Nixon bowled.

Kramer:     Yeah, watta you got against bowlers.

Jerry:         Nothing, I just wouldn't date one.

Kramer::    [Giving Jerry that goofy look] Well, I hope not.

Jerry:         I'm referring to if I was a girl.

 

[George throws his second gutter ball.]

 

Jerry:         Nice throw George, I see that ball was a wise investment.

George:     I'm just getting used to it. You just watch, I'll be throwing strikes left and right, baby.

 

[Elaine walk over to ball rack, picks out any old ball, walks up to the lane and throws a strike.]

 

Jerry:         You just getting warmed up, too?

Elaine:       [Jumping up and down.] Strike! [Looks at Kramer.] Did you see that!!! [Pushes Jerry in the chest.] Did you see that!! I got a strike!!

George:     Beginner's luck.

 

[Jerry gets up to take his turn with zero enthusiasm.]

 

[Fill some time with some funny bowling shots.]

 

[Segue into the 10th frame; Kramer's got a 188, Jerry a 135, Elaine a 103, George a 54. (We never see Jerry bowl one ball)]

 

George:     First thing Monday morning I'm bringing this ball back. It's defective.

Elaine:       How can a bowling ball be defective!?

Jerry:         Oh, you're really going to make that shop owner's day when you bring back a 'defective bowling ball'. He'll be telling his grand kids about that one.

George:     Well I don't know what else it is. I've never bowled this bad. It's the ball I tell you, the ball. The center of gravity is off. Can't you see the way it rolls!

Jerry:         Yeah, right down the gutter. [Belittling George] The center of gravity is off.

Kramer:     It's your swing, George, your swing.

George:     There is nothing wrong with my swing. It this damn ball!

Elaine:       Maybe you ought to take lessons if you're so serious about it.

Jerry:         Yeah. Forget finding a job, take bowling lessons.

Kramer:     Oh, that reminds me George, I got this number for you to call about a job.

George:     What kinda job?

Kramer:     I met some guy on the subway the other day and he mentioned that he's starting up a new business and needed a salesmen.

George:     What kinda business?

Kramer:       He didn't say, but here's his card. I told him all about you. He seemed real interested.

 

Jerry:         [To Elaine] I think that guy must like you, he keeps smiling at you.

Elaine:       Should I go talk to him?

Kramer:     You know who that is don't you?

 

[Jerry and Elaine both shake their heads to motion 'no'.]

 

Kramer:     That's the TV repairman.

Jerry:         What TV repairman?

Kramer:     The wrestler! THAT'S the TV Repairman!

Elaine:       The one that George was talking about?

Kramer:     Yup!

George:     [Leans over Elaine's shoulder to look.]. You know something, he's right. That's him. There's no mistaking it.

Jerry:         Well, I think he's got the hots for Elaine.

Kramer:     Why do you say that?

Jerry:         Well look at him. He hasn't stopped staring at Elaine since we came in.

George:     You know what I'm gonna do. I'm going to go over there and tell him he owes me $100 for losing to 'Tiny Tim'.

Elaine:       You're going to do WHAT!?!?

George:     Yeah. I'm going to walk over there and calmly tell him I know he threw the match, and that he should pay the $100 I bet on him.

Jerry:         Oh, he's going to throw something alright, but it aint going be a hundred bucks in your direction.

Kramer:     George, look at the size of him. He'll bounce you around like a Yoda doll.

George:     Elaine, why don't you go over there and talk to him. Maybe he'll give you the hundred bucks.

Elaine:       Get out here! That'll make a good impression. "Hi I'm Elaine. Could you give me a hundred dollars for my fat, bald friend over there?"

George:     Well, he deliberately threw that match and I'm going to demand he pay me. He's not getting away with this.

Jerry:         You're losing it, George.

Kramer:     Oh this I gotta see.

 

[George walks over to talk to him. Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer start taking off their shoes and putting the bowling balls back on the racks, including George's ball. As the group is going up to the counter to give back the shoes, we see the TV Repairman picking up George by the collar and beginning to rough him up. As George looks back to scream, the camera freezes and episode ends].

 

© Copyright 1994 by Hupfauer Productions

**No part of this may be reproduced without the author's written consent.**