THE TROJAN WAR

(Stand up intro)

JERRY: Like the majority of mankind, I too hate commercials. The thing is it’s a silent agreement – They’re always there, we don’t actively complain, so that’s the way it’s always going to stay. The thing that makes commercials so annoying is that they don’t only disrupt the programme you’re watching, they also divide it – You know, now you have two or three little pieces & you have to make it out yourself, kind of like a little puzzle… You have to freeze the moment where the show stopped in your mind, kind of make your little bookmark… Most channels don’t even have a commercial signal, so you’re always left bemused, you know, you start saying to yourself: “Hey wait a second, the colours are much brighter all of a sudden… & what does this toilet paper have anything to do with… Oh yeah”.

(Jerry’s apartment, afternoon)

(Jerry is standing next to the counter talking to George & Elaine who are sitting by the table)

ELAINE: So it’s agreed then – Phoebe is the most non-phonetic female name.

GEORGE: What about Siobhan?

ELAINE: Oh yeah…

JERRY (to George): Still dateless huh?

GEORGE: Oh yeah, about that. You wouldn’t believe what happened to me at the mall the other day!

JERRY: Spill.

GEORGE: I’m just walking around, you know, looking at some stuff, and all of a sudden this girl catches my eye. Jerry, I have to tell you, she was amazing! & you know I don’t use this term often.

ELAINE (smilingly): Or at all.

GEORGE (ignores her): So anyway, she’s just standing there, talking to her two male friends – She was unbelievable! Like a little pixie or something, very deep eyes, smooth hair, wonderfully dressed…

JERRY (disrupts him, sardonically): You know George, you of all people should know that sometimes it is in fact OK to use the yada yada.

GEORGE: Sorry, sorry… So anyway, I’m trying to stand near them, you know, I’m telling myself, “This is it! I’m gonna make my move, I’m gonna squeeze myself into the conversation!”, & then, just then, she opens her mouth to talk. (pauses)

(Jerry & Elaine stare at him so he will carry on)

GEORGE: Accent. Russian accent. She was Russian, Jerry.

ELAINE: Yeah, so?

GEORGE: So? It’s a funny accent! I mean what if we got together & you know, we’re starting to make out & she’s going “Oh GeoRge! Oh GeoRge!” (fakes Russian accent); You know, with that strident R… (moves his head slightly) Not for me.

ELAINE: Isn’t that a bit… Racist?

GEORGE: Hey my mother’s second cousin’s from Moldova, she speaks fluent Russian!

ELAINE: What would you call it if NOT racism them?

GEORGE: A preference.

JERRY (sardonically): Oh I see, & Hitler just “preferred” a Jewless Germany.

GEORGE: Oh shut up Jerry! It’s a free country, I’m not forced to date anyone.

JERRY: No, you’re just forced.

ELAINE: You know Jerry, your puns are really coming out pretty bad lately.

JERRY: Oh tell me about it… It’s that Carol girl, she’s driving me insane.

ELAINE: How long have you been going out?

JERRY: A couple of weeks I guess.

ELAINE: So what’s wrong?

JERRY: She always picks the most annoying words to use!

ELAINE: Like what?

JERRY: Fugly!

ELAINE: What’s wrong with fugly? Oh wait, isn’t that a combination of…

JERRY (disrupts her): Exactly! & she couldn’t stop using it! I mean when she sticks to a word it doesn’t leave! It’s like a demon or something! Fugly here & fugly there, she kept using it regarding every thing she found unattractive! I suppose it is a good word, ‘cos it really makes you feel the meaning of it, but I still hate it!

(Kramer bursts in the door holding a VCR with a tape on top of it)

KRAMER (smilingly, to Jerry): Look at this, Jerry! Look at this!

JERRY (sardonically): A VCR… How rare.

KRAMER: Oh it’s not just any VCR Jerry, it’s Bob Sacamano’s. He’s in Vegas for the week so he let me use his VCR so it won’t get stolen.

JERRY: Oh, the videositter… Isn’t that just a little too Eighties? Too good he didn’t provide you with directions regarding how to feed it!

KRAMER: You’re still dating that Carol girl?

JERRY: Yeah, why?

KRAMER: You should really stop it, you know (makes him ominous look)

JERRY (grits his teeth): I know, I know…

KRAMER: So anyway, he was also kind enough to let me use one of his videos (puts the VCR & tape on the table)

ELAINE (picks up the tape & reads): Trojan War? “She has twenty four hours to convince the guy of her dreams that she’s the girl of his”…

GEORGE: That actually sounds worse than Rochelle Rochelle!

JERRY (joins them): & isn’t that Jennifer Love Hewitt on the cover?

ELAINE: Hey her name is perfectly phonetic! Well, except for the Hewitt part that is.

JERRY: You don’t say…

GEORGE: Jennifer’s my favourite name, you know? I always wanted a girlfriend named Jennifer.

JERRY: Hey what about that girl from your office you like… Tara, right?

ELAINE: Now that’s a phonetic name.

KRAMER: No it’s not!

(The other three just stare at him)

KRAMER: Well it’s not! You say Tera, you don’t say Ta-ra! That’s not phonetic, not in the least!

ELAINE (keeps looking at the tape): Direct to video, huh?

(Stand up bit)

JERRY: If a certain movie is a direct to video movie you can be 100% positive that it’s not a very good movie. I mean, it’s not like the producers just sat there in their big room, smoking their cigars & said “You know? This movie is so good we shouldn’t even take it to the cinema! We should only make it a video release so that people will be able to enjoy it in the comfort of their own home from the outset! As a matter of fact, no! I have a better idea! Let’s just not release the movie at all so that only we could enjoy it! I mean, this movie… This movie’s just too good for the people! The people don’t deserve it! They’re not ready for it yet!”

Monk’s restaurant exterior, then the interior, the next day, afternoon

(Jerry & George are in their booth eating)

GEORGE: So I finally called Tara.

JERRY: & what happened? What did you say?

GEORGE (smiles): Oh you know, I was trying to be casual & all...

JERRY (disrupts him slightly): TRYING to be casual?

GEORGE: Well, yeah…

JERRY: You can’t TRY to be casual. The whole IDEA of being casual is that you don’t try. The moment you BEGIN to try, you’re not even the slightest bit of casual.

GEORGE: What are you then?

JERRY: Contrived.

GEORGE (chuckles): Contrived? Oh no no no. Call me pathetic, call me a loser, call me a lame excuse for a living organism, but I’m not contrived. I’m genuine.

JERRY (sardonically): Like Art Vandelay?

GEORGE (grits his teeth slightly): Well maybe genuine wasn’t the word I was looking for.

JERRY (nonchalantly): Maybe not.

GEORGE: I can agree on devised.

JERRY: Huh?

GEORGE: You know, devised instead of contrived. That sounds better.

JERRY: Not really.

GEORGE: Hmmmm… (pause) How about planned then?

JERRY: How about it?

GEORGE: Well it sounds better than contrived. Or devised.

JERRY: I guess so.

GEORGE: Yeah, planned implies that you mean it… Contrived & devised sound kinda…

JERRY: Shifty?

GEORGE: Yeah (sips his coffee). So anyway, we were just talking. I asked her how she was, she asked me how I am… You know, chit chat.

JERRY (grits teeth): Chit chat… That’s another annoying word… Which reminds me I’m seeing Carol tomorrow…

GEORGE: Actually that’s too words I think.

(Elaine enters Monk’s)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY/GEORGE: Hi.

ELAINE (sits down): What’s that? Can you hear that?

JERRY: Hear what?

ELAINE: That annoying… Music.

JERRY: What music?

GEORGE: Oh, you mean muzak.

JERRY: Musak?

GEORGE: Yeah, background music. Elevator music. Lift music. I can hear it too.

JERRY: Why do they call it elevator music anyway? I’ve been to several lifts in my life, never heard any music. There’s no point to play music in an elevator…

GEORGE (disrupts him): Musak!

JERRY (ignores him): …because the lift is just a transitory stage. You know, you enter the building, you take the lift up, thirty seconds, and you’re there! You don’t enter the building IN ORDER to take the lift!

ELAINE: Yeah, it’s not like it’s an amusement park ride or something.

JERRY: Oh, the amusement park… Don’t even get me started! Do you really think there’s a different between an amusement park & a theme park? What is there to set a theme for here? I mean OK, you have, you have Disneyland & Mickey Mouse is a classic cartoon character & all of that, but I mean come on- a merry go round! Would you really care whether you have Dumbo or Al Gore on your little vehicle? It’s a merry go round! All it’s supposed to do is go round & be merry! What’s the theme for?

GEORGE (to himself): Tara… Sucha shame we can’t talk at work, she’s always with her friends, & their friends’ friends…

ELAINE: Give her a call then.

GEORGE: I already did.

ELAINE: How did it go?

GEORGE: It went well I guess, but it was a bit bland.

ELAINE: Bland how?

GEORGE: Well all we did was small talk really… She told me she had to take blood & urine tests.

JERRY: Fascinating (grins).

(Stand up bit)

JERRY: Now what’s the deal with blood & urine tests? I mean they always go together, which I think is a bit unfair, because there’s no real balance between them. I mean, first there’s the urine test, which is very easy, it ends up quickly, you do it everyday, you have your training from home… Then comes the blood test, & all of a sudden there’s blood & needles & cotton wool… How did we get there from going to the bathroom? My suggestion is to take it in phases, like, let’s say you have a urine test, then after you’re done with it, they’ll pinch you a little; You know, just to see if you’re mentally ready for the next stage. No needles yet, just a little pinch with the fingers. “Hey I’m sorry sir, you’re not over the second phase yet; Go back to the bathroom!”

Jerry’s apartment, next day, around noon

(Jerry stands near the counter. Kramer bursts in the door)

KRAMER: It makes no sense, Jerry! Absolutely no sense!

JERRY (quite sardonically): Do YOU?

KRAMER: No Jerry, I’m serious! It was totally contrived!

JERRY: What was totally contrived?

KRAMER: Trojan War! I mean, first there’s this nice beautiful blonde girl who falls in love for this Brad guy, then she acts like a wench, then after he gets back with the condom she rejects him for her obnoxious boyfriend & nobody cares, Jerry! Nobody cares!

JERRY (sardonically): But you of course do care, Kramer.

KRAMER: How could I not care? I’m human!

JERRY: To obsess over unbelievable character changes in a direct to video teen flick is anything but human! It’s sick!

KRAMER: No Jerry, listen to me! I will not just sit there & let it happen!

JERRY: What can you do about it then? Transform yourself into the movie then come back through the looking glass? I mean it features Jennifer Love Hewitt! What the hell did you expect, Balzac?

KRAMER: Well I’m not gonna give it up, Jerry! I’m gonna watch it again till I understand the reason for the twist!

JERRY: Reason? There’s no reason! It’s arbitrary! There was no reason for even making this stupid movie, just leave it alone!

(Elaine comes in the open door Kramer left)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY (annoyed over Kramer): Hi.

KRAMER (to Elaine): Elaine, what would you say if someone from your high school invites you to his house…

ELAINE (disrupts him): Since when am I back in high school again?

JERRY: Just ignore him; he’s obsessed with this stupid teen movie! Why did Bob Sacamano bought it anyway?

KRAMER: Oh he didn’t. It came along with the VCR.

JERRY (sardonically): & the picture gets clearer…

ELAINE: Shouldn’t people have DVD systems by now?

KRAMER: Well Bob is a bit behind the rest of us I guess.

ELAINE (to Kramer): Don’t you have your own DVD system? Or VCR?

KRAMER: Oh no, watching films at home is no fun! There are always distractions – Phones, neighbours…

JERRY (completes Kramer’s sentence): …Sometimes you even get hungry & have to use your neighbour’s fridge…

KRAMER: Well I’m gonna watch the movie again now Jerry, Brad Kimble will not be forsaken!

ELAINE: Brad who?

JERRY (shrugs his shoulders): The lead male.

(Elaine gives him a suspecting look)

JERRY (defending himself): It was on the tape box!

George’s apartment, same day, evening

(George picks up the phone & dials a number. Tara answers him)

TARA: Hello?

GEORGE (tries to smile): Oh Tara, hi.

TARA (mild enthusiasm): Hey George! What’s up?

GEORGE (still holding his “casual” smile): All is well. All is well.

TARA: What you’re doing?

GEORGE (smile stays on): Oh nothing… (Looks around the room) Absolutely nothing. So, are you recovering from your tests?

TARA: Yeah, well… (A telephone ring disrupts her) Hey wait a second George, there’s a call on the other line, OK?

GEORGE (tries to sound happy): OK!

TARA: (to the other person on the other line): Hello? Oh hi! How are you? Yes, yes well I’m sorry but I’m talking to this guy from work on the other line, I’ll call you back OK?

Monk’s, next day, around noon

(Jerry & George are in their booth eating & talking)

GEORGE (whines): I knew it Jerry! I knew I don’t stand a chance with her!

JERRY: What happened?

GEORGE: I called Tara last night.

JERRY: I realised that.

GEORGE: We started talking, then she had a call on the other line, so she talks with the other person, telling them that she’ll get back to them later because she’s on the phone with a guy from work! I’m the guy from work Jerry!

JERRY: Yeah, so?

GEORGE: So?! Don’t you see Jerry?! This is the lowest form of acquaintance!

JERRY: Why would you say that?

GEORGE: Because people don’t LIKE to go to work, they HAVE to go to work! By calling me “a guy from work” she basically indicates that she wouldn’t have even bothered to talk to me if it wasn’t for work!

JERRY: Good point.

GEORGE (panics): Good point?! Good point?!?! Why don’t you calm me down Jerry?! Why don’t you tell me I’m wrong & have nothing to worry about?! You’re my friend! Is that what friends are for?! Ho ho! I don’t think so!

(Kramer enters Monks)

KRAMER: Oh Jerry, good thing I found you! Listen, I forgot to tell you he also falls in love with Leah, who was a total bitch to him about Brooke! & in the middle there’s too much ordeal, Jerry! It’s not even slightly realistic! There was no time for them to switch identities like that! (Stops for a second or two) Well not exactly switch identities, but you know… (Gestures at Jerry)

JERRY: Since when have I become a member of the Trojan War discussion group? It’s just a stupid teen movie! Let it go!

KRAMER (in his cry-like tone): But I can’t Jerry, I can’t! They’re all a part of me now Jerry! I feel sorry for this Brad guy too much!

JERRY: They’re just a figment of a Chinese American director! Come on!

GEORGE (to himself): A guy from work! A guy from work! Not a friend, not a date, nothing! A guy from work! I bet God is laughing his eyes out right now!

JERRY: God has eyes?

GEORGE: The blind have eyes.

JERRY: So you basically indicate that God is blind?

GEORGE: Since when did we start discussing philosophy?

JERRY: I dunno… I guess it’s him (Gestures at Kramer). (Reluctantly) Well anyway, I gotta go, I have a date with Carol tonight, I better get ready.

GEORGE: Didn’t you break it off already?

JERRY: I wish. I wonder what annoying words she has for me this time.

Monk’s, same day’s evening

(Jerry & Carol are in their booth eating. Carol keeps talking much to Jerry’s discontent)

CAROL: …So anyway, all my friend Erin did was ask her hubby KINDLY to make her OJ for lupper! It’s just OJ! But her hubby’s too lazy, no, why should he care if Erin doesn’t get her OJ? & I mean luppers are too…

JERRY (disrupting her, obviously enraged): ENOUGH OF THIS!

CAROL (shocked): Excuse me?

JERRY: You’ve heard me! Stop talking! Your annoying words have gone too far!

CAROL: What annoying words?

JERRY: Oh like you don’t know! Hubby, OJ, lupper… What the hell is this all about?! Who the hell talks like that?!?!  What do these words mean anyway?!

CAROL: Well hubby is husband, OJ is Orange Juice, & lupper is a combination of lunch & supper… My friend Erin works till 16:00 so when she comes home…

JERRY (disrupts her again): You know what? I don’t care. I don’t care! I’m breaking up with you, your words…

CAROL (disrupts him): Drive you bananas?

JERRY: See? There we go again! Drive me bananas! Who talks like that?! It’s so childish & pathetic, we’re through!

CAROL (stammers): But Jerry… I… I really like you… Actually I think I’m falling for you… Please don’t leave me…

JERRY: I’m sorry Carol, but the words you use are too irritating!

CAROL: Then I’ll stop saying them! I can change for you Jerry! Please give me a chance!

JERRY (a bit reluctantly): Well, OK… I guess… No annoying words then?

CAROL: Absolutely not (smiles).

JERRY: Thank you.

CAROL (gleefully): Now give me a smackaroo to celebrate our renewed relationship!

Jerry’s building, next day, afternoon

(Jerry & George are taking the lift up to Jerry’s apartment)

JERRY: See? No music.

GEORGE: Musak!

JERRY: Hey get this; I broke up with Carol yesterday.

GEORGE: Really? What word did she use now?

JERRY: Smackaroo!

GEORGE: Oh I can’t believe this…

JERRY: Me neither. & she actually said she’s in love with me!

GEORGE: Too bad (sighs).

JERRY: Hey what about Tara?

GEORGE: I’m having dinner with her tonight.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE (sulks): Well, it depends on whether she has plans with her boyfriend or not.

JERRY: She has a boyfriend?! How can she go out with you then?

(The lift stops & opens in Jerry’s floor. Jerry & George walk towards Jerry’s apartment)

GEORGE (smiles slightly): Oh it’s not a date. I’m just the guy from work remember?

JERRY: & you don’t mind going out with her knowing that you’re not gonna do anything more than just talk?!

GEORGE (sulks again): Of course it bothers me, but what can I do about it?! I need to spend some time with a girl, Jerry! Even if it’s just a conversation, you can still enjoy looking at her! You don’t have that with guys!

JERRY: Sounds like you really fancy her huh.

GEORGE: Oh, she’s gorgeous! She has this nice hairdo, very British… Liverpool or something.

(They’re almost next to Jerry’s. There is noise coming from Kramer’s apartment. Kramer comes out & notices Jerry & George)

KRAMER: Finally we can start. Come in.

JERRY: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: Just come on in, free crisps! Come on!

(Jerry shrugs as he & George enters Kramer’s place)

(There are many people in Kramer’s place, all sitting in chairs in front of the telly. Jerry & George spot Elaine, they go & sit next to her)

JERRY: What is going on here?

ELAINE: Don’t ask me. I think Kramer invited everyone who knows.

(Kramer stands beside the telly & claps his hands to get the people’s attention. They all quiet down)

KRAMER: Alright! Now that I have your attention, allow me to officially open the Trojan War discussion group! Now I know that most of you haven’t heard of this movie, & the few of you who have in fact seen it probably think it’s one of the worst movies they’ve ever seen, but as a thinker & as the thinkers you are, we mustn’t ignore art! Any form of art!

GEORGE (whispers): Since when Kramer is a thinker?

KRAMER: But first of all, I’m going to have to ask you all to give a big round of applause to my neighbour, my best friend & the man behind this evening, ladies & gentlemen he’s here in the audience, mister Jerry Seinfeld!

(The people clap. Jerry is obviously bemused. From now on everything Jerry, George or Elaine say is obviously whispered)

ELAINE (to Jerry): You’re the one who gave him this moronic idea?!

JERRY: It was a sarcastic remark! I didn’t expect him to take it seriously!

ELAINE: What DID you expect then?! It’s Kramer!

KRAMER: Our story begins with a fantasy of our protagonist Brad Kimble. Brad is a young teenager in what happens to be suburban California. In addition to…

(Kramer keeps going on about this truly awful movie. Elaine notices someone two rows in front of them)

ELAINE (regarding that guy): Hey, isn’t this Tim Whatley?

GEORGE: Where?

ELAINE: Over there (gestures)

JERRY: It could be… There are too many people here.

GEORGE: Tim… Now that’s a phonetic name.

(Stand up bit)

JERRY: People are really open about doing drugs nowadays, you know what I mean? It’s not too seldom that we hear someone says “Oh yeah, I had a nice joint today… I really should call my dealer…” They even have their own slang, which is funny considering the fact that they are, in fact, breaking the law. I truly believe that not too many years from now people will start telling each other things like “Yeah, I had a really good day today! Raped an old lady, ran over a couple of people with my car… Got me really tired. I think tomorrow I’ll just go for the old murder with a gun thing”.

THE END