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The Tipping

 

 

 

THE TIPPING

 

 

 

 

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

 

by

 

Joel G. Gomes

 

September 2001

 

 

 

 

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES.

 

JERRY

The tip is what we use, as a customer, to show our appreciation for a good service. But, the only people that can actually afford to get a tip are the people that serve coffee and carry bags.

Itís like if weíre in a hospital, and weíre somewhere between life and death, we donít have to tip the doctor if he saves our lives.

In fact, if we get a transplant, we donít even have to thank the guy that gave one of his organs to us. Heís a complete stranger and he saved our lives but, unless he serves us some coffee while weíre in the hospital, no way heís getting a tip.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. COFFEE SHOP. DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SITTING ON A RED WOOD TABLE DRINKING COFFEE.

 

GEORGE

(CHECKING HIS POCKET)

Oh no.

 

JERRY

What is it?

 

GEORGE

I forgot my wallet. Can I borrow some money from you?

 

JERRY

How much?

 

GEORGE

Just for the coffee.

 

JERRY

I donít know.

(CHECKS HIS WALLET)

Hum... Sorry.

 

GEORGE

Never mind. Iíll pay her tomorrow.

 

JERRY

Iím not sure if theyíll let you pay tomorrow.

 

GEORGE

Why wouldnít they? Iíve been coming here since Monkís closed.

 

JERRY

I know that, but how can they be sure that youíre not leaving the country tomorrow?

 

GEORGE

 

Why would I leave the country tomorrow? If I had money to leave the country, do you think Iíd come to this place? Besides, I donít think this expense will cause any bankruptcy.

 

JERRY

You never know what can happen in this sort of business. Itís very unstable, very risky.

 

JERRY TAKES A NOTE FROM HIS WALLET AND PUTS IT ON THE TABLE.

 

GEORGE

I thought you said you didnít have enough money.

 

JERRY

I donít. This is for the tip. I canít lend you my tip money.

 

GEORGE

You wonít lend me the money I need because you want to tip the waitress?

 

JERRY

Thatís right.

 

GEORGE

But you donít tip!

 

JERRY

I didnít. But that was before I realize that we get a better service here if we train the waitress to get a tip. Itís kinda like a previous compensation for future services.

 

GEORGE

Canít you spare me your tip, just for today?

 

JERRY

Ah... Alright!

 

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE AND BEGINS TO COLECT THE CUPS.

 

JERRY

Iíd like to pay one cake and two coffees, please.

 

JERRY GIVES THE NOTE TO THE WAITRESS.

 

THE WAITRESS LOOKS AT THE NOTE AND THEN AT JERRY.

 

WAITRESS

Thatís it? No tip?

 

JERRY

Sorry...

 

WAITRESS

Thanks a lot!

 

THE WAITRESS GOES AWAY.

 

JERRY

Boy! She took it hard!

 

GEORGE

Come on!

(STANDS)

Letís go!

 

JERRY

Whatís all that rush for?

 

GEORGE

I gotta go see Wendy.

 

JERRY

Okay.

(STANDS)

Iím going.

 

JERRY AND GEORGE HEAD FOR THE DOOR.

 

ELAINE ENTERS THE COFFEE-SHOP.

 

ELAINE

Hi! You guys leaving already?

 

GEORGE

I gotta go see Wendy.

 

ELAINE

Ah! New girlfriend?

 

GEORGE

Sex partner. Actually, sheís my sex therapist.

 

ELAINE

Oh! That will teach you something. What about you?

 

JERRY

Iím thinking of catching a movie or something...

 

ELAINE

What? Youíre gone leave me here all by myself?

 

JERRY

Youíre a grown woman now, Elaine; you can take care of yourself. Youíre not expecting us to stay here, are you?

 

GEORGE

I donít think the waitress will like that.

 

JERRY

I donít think so either.

 

ELAINE

Why? What happened?

 

JERRY

George didnít have enough money so he had to borrow from me and I wasnít able to tip the waitress.

 

ELAINE

Oh no...

 

GEORGE

(IMITATING ELAINE)

"Oh no..." Whatís so wrong with not tipping? Theyíre required to do their job arenít they? The tip is nothing but a common clichť.

 

JERRY

But you get a better service when you tip. Sheís a lot nicer.

 

GEORGE

I donít care if sheís nice or not as long as she serves me what I want.

 

ELAINE

You know what you have to do, right?

 

JERRY

No. What?

 

ELAINE

You have to double-tip her the next time.

 

JERRY

Double-tip her? Why would I do that?

 

ELAINE

Because you didnít tip her the last time?

 

JERRY

Fine. Iíll stay.

 

ELAINE

Great! One down. How Ďbout you? Youíre coming back or not?

 

GEORGE

I canít. Iíve told Iíve gotta go see Wendy.

 

JERRY

Youíre really desperate for sex, arenít you?

 

GEORGE

Iíll see you later, okay?

 

JERRY

Fine.

 

GEORGE EXITS THE COFFEE-SHOP AND RUNS AWAY.

 

JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AMAZED.

 

ELAINE

Heís fast alright.

 

JERRY

I hope he still has enough speed for the therapy.

 

JERRY AND ELAINE RETURN TO THE TABLE WHERE JERRY WAS.

 

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE.

 

WAITRESS

What will it be?

 

ELAINE

Just coffee for me, please.

 

THE WAITRESS LEAVES.

 

JERRY

Did you see what just happened here?

 

ELAINE

What?

 

JERRY

She didnít ask me what I wanted!

 

ELAINE

Well, you didnít tell her.

 

JERRY

Iím not the one who has to tell her. Itís part of her job to ask.

 

ELAINE

But she asked.

 

JERRY

She asked you.

 

ELAINE

She asked both of us. She said "What will it be?", remember?

 

JERRY

But she only looked at you. Like I wasnít here or something.

 

ELAINE

She did no such thing. Youíre just resenting her for what happened.

 

THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINEíS COFFEE.

 

ELAINE

Thanks.

 

JERRY

Excuse me?

 

THE WAITRESS IGNORES JERRY.

 

JERRY

What about this?

 

ELAINE

What?

 

JERRY

I called her. She didnít even look at me.

 

ELAINE

Technically, you didnít call her.

 

JERRY

Technically... What was I supposed to say? Excuse me, waitress?

 

ELAINE

That would be more selective, yes.

 

JERRY

Do you want me to prove it to you that sheís ignoring me?

 

ELAINE

Okay. Bring out exhibit A.

 

JERRY

(TO THE WAITRESS)

Hey! Could you come over here for a second please?

THE WAITRESS IGNORES JERRYíS REQUEST.

 

JERRY

See? Sheís ignoring me!

 

ELAINE

Maybe she didnít hear you.

 

A MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COFFEE SHOP COUGHS.

 

THE WAITRESS RUNS TO THE MANíS TABLE.

 

WAITRESS

Can I get you anything?

 

ELAINE

That guy must be a triple-tipper.

 

JERRY

Thatís it! Sheís not getting a double-tip, a simple tip or any kind of previous or past retribution! Not today, not tomorrow, not ever again!

 

ELAINE

Fine... Whatever makes you happy.

 

JERRY NOTICES SOMETHING SHINY ON ELAINEíS EARS.

 

JERRY

Whatís that?

 

ELAINE

Whatís what?

 

JERRY

That on your ears.

 

ELAINE

What do you think this is? Itís earrings.

 

JERRY

They look very nice. Who gave you that?

 

ELAINE

Why did you assume so promptly that this was a gift? You think I canít afford to buy earrings like this?

 

JERRY

I know you canít.

 

ELAINE

My boyfriend gave Ďem to me. He works at a jewellery store.

 

JERRY

Whatís his name?

 

ELAINE

Frank. Frank Jones.

 

JERRY

A. k. a.?

 

ELAINE

No a. k. a. Just Frank Jones.

 

JERRY

Just Frank Jones. Hum... Whatís he like?

 

ELAINE

Heís great. Heís handsome, strong.

(LAUGHS)

Heís frank!

 

JERRY

That doesnít excite me very much. How Ďbout the acting part?

 

ELAINE

Does that excite you?

 

JERRY

I know what youíre capable of. Iím just curious about this new combination.

 

ELAINE

Well... Heís okay. He acts.

 

JERRY

Okay? You canít fool me. You know that, donít you?

 

ELAINE

Actually heís very good. Heís got stamina, lots of it.

 

JERRY

But?

 

ELAINE

He... uh... He plays on both sides.

 

JERRY

Excuse me?

 

ELAINE

(BREATHS DEEPLY)

Heís a bisexual.

 

JERRY

What? Youíre telling me youíre dating a bisexual guy?

 

ELAINE

I didnít know he was a bisexual. I only found out afterwards when he introduced me to his friend Jimmy and I saw them kissing each other.

 

JERRY

What díyou mean ?

 

ELAINE

They kissed each other on the lips, right in front of me!

 

JERRY

Are you gonna break up with him?

 

ELAINE

Iím thinking of giving him a second chance.

 

JERRY

Did you kiss him after this event?

 

ELAINE

Yeah. Once. It felt so strange. His lips tasted like man.

 

JERRY

Well, you know Iíve never kissed a manís lips before but I believe that that flavor is due to the fact that heís a man.

 

ELAINE

No! His lips didnít have the usual flavor! It was Jimmyís flavor! Donít you see?! Itís my flavor thatís supposed to be in there!

 

JERRY

(LAUGHING)

You poor little girl...

 

ELAINE

Are you mocking me? You think this is funny? Iím in danger of being dumped for a man! A man, Jerry!

 

JERRY

Are you jealous of him?

 

ELAINE

Who?

 

JERRY

Jimmy.

 

ELAINE

How could I be jealous of a man?

 

JERRY

No need to tell.

 

ELAINE

What the hell does this guy have that I donít?

 

JERRY

Maybe you should ask Frank.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

JERRY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.

 

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

 

JERRY GETS UP AND PICKS THE RECEIVER.

 

JERRY

Who is it?

 

GEORGE (V. O.)

Itís me.

 

JERRY

Come on up.

 

JERRY PUTS THE RECEIVER DOWN AND SITS ON THE COUCH.

 

AFTER A WHILE, GEORGE ENTERS.

 

GEORGE

Hi...

 

JERRY

Hi. Whatís wrong? Have you seen Wendy?

 

GEORGE

Yeah. I have...

 

JERRY

And?

 

GEORGE

We broke up.

 

JERRY

Really? But I thought everything was fine.

 

GEORGE

I failed my exam. I was too slow...

 

JERRY

Thatís too bad.

 

GEORGE SITS ON THE COUCH.

 

GEORGE

You know, none of this would ever happened if Larry hadnít closed Monkís. Itís affecting my concentration.

 

JERRY

He didnít closed Monkís. He just went to Africa to spend a few time with some distant relatives.

 

GEORGE

Thatís a great distance, alright. But, he should at least tried to hire someone to replace him while heís away.

 

JERRY

Heíll be back in a week.

 

GEORGE

Yeah... Meanwhile, my sex life is falling apart.

 

JERRY

Iím not happy about this either. Itís causing nothing but trouble to everyone.

 

GEORGE

You know what I miss the most? My old seat.

 

JERRY

I miss my old seat, too but, we mustnít loose our faith. Larry will return.

 

GEORGE

I guess youíre right... So, what did you and Elaine talked about?

 

JERRY

You know. The usual.

 

GEORGE

You mean nothing.

 

JERRY

We talked about her new boyfriend, Frank.

 

GEORGE

Whatís wrong with this one? Is he a bad Internal Affairs?

 

JERRY

No. In fact, I think heís a very good Internal Affairs. A lot more than she had in mind.

 

GEORGE

What díyou mean?

 

JERRY

Ah... I donít think I should tell you this.

 

GEORGE

Whatíre you talking about? Youíve spiced my curiosity. The least you could is to give me a tip.

 

JERRY

Well... letís see... He runs from one side of the street to the other.

 

GEORGE

I got it. Heís a double-crosser, hey? Also known as a bisexual?

 

JERRY

That was fast.

 

GEORGE

She didnít know that he was a bisexual?

 

JERRY

She only found out two days ago.

 

GEORGE

Yesterday?

 

JERRY

No. The day before that.

 

GEORGE

But thatís three days.

 

JERRY

No, thatís two days. It would only be three days if I was counting today, which Iím not.

 

GEORGE

Do you know whatís the worst that can happen in a gay relationship?

 

JERRY

Probably being dumped over for a woman. Whatís the reaction to that?

 

GEORGE

No reaction.

 

JERRY

Thereís gotta be a reaction. Any reaction.

 

GEORGE

Iíve been doing some study and I discovered that the gay principle states that the active gay should look for the women within the passive gay and maybe this woman is more man than a normal man.

 

JERRY

Thereís no woman. I was just speaking hypothetically.

 

GEORGE

I know. But suppose that this woman has the active part in a gay relation ship.

 

JERRY

How can it be a gay relationship if thereís a woman involved?

 

GEORGE

Maybe itís a straight-gay relationship.

 

JERRY

Thereís no such thing as a straight-gay relationship.

 

GEORGE

Yes there is. It happens when two people from the opposite sex have a relation but their sexual needs is maintained by people from the same sex.

 

JERRY

I think this sex therapy really affected you.

 

GEORGE

So much for that now...

 

JERRY

I still donít understand whatís the woman doing there.

 

GEORGE

Sheís the active part! Is that so hard to understand?

 

JERRY

How can she be the active part if sheís a woman?

 

GEORGE

Lesbians can be both active and passive too.

 

JERRY

Thatís a whole different world. They have other ways of pleasuring themselves. And I donít think that those ways are apply able in a, as you say, straight-gay relationship.

 

GEORGE

Iím not saying they are. All Iím saying is that if such a relation actually existed, Iím sure there would be ways of satisfaction.

 

JERRY

Maybe the woman isnít really a woman. Maybe sheís an hermaphrodite or a travesty.

 

GEORGE

That would never work. Itís too complicated.

 

JERRY

Well, just keep your mind focused on something else and it will be fine.

 

GEORGE

You know something? All this gay talking made me wonder if Iím not gay also.

 

JERRY

Howís that?

 

GEORGE

Well, when I was going to see Wendy, I had to go to a public urinal.

 

JERRY

Did someone forced you?

 

GEORGE

No. I needed to the public urinal, okay? Anyway, I was alone in there, minding my own business when some guy comes in and goes to the urinal right next to me.

 

JERRY

I donít see anything wrong with that.

 

GEORGE

Then he began to move his arm very fast.

 

JERRY

Donít tell me. You peeked, right?

 

GEORGE

Yes. The guy was moving his arm so fast I thought he was in trouble.

 

JERRY

What would you do if he was? Would you gave him a hand?

 

GEORGE

Very funny.

(GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE DOOR)

Iím going to the video store. Do you wanna come?

 

JERRY

Okay...

(GETS UP)

But you still havenít told what kind of peeking it was.

 

GEORGE

Whatíd you mean?

 

THEY LEAVE.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

EXT. STREET. DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WALKING.

 

JERRY

So you see, there are three kinds of peeking that apply to your situation. The first one is the "glance-peeking". Thatís when you look at something for a few seconds and try never to look back again.

 

GEORGE

Like a flash.

 

JERRY

Exactly. The "steady-peeking" is when youíre looking at something that repulses you but canít keep your eyes away from it. And the last one, the "looking-back-peeking" is when you look at something that is really disgusting and you try to look the other way but, eventually, you have to look back again.

 

GEORGE

Do you think Iím gay because I peeked?

 

JERRY

No. But the fact that you kept your look doesnít help you very much.

 

GEORGE

It was only a couple of seconds. I didnít see really that much.

 

JERRY

You wanted to see more?

 

GEORGE

Of course not!

 

JERRY

Well, you know what they say, a lot of things can happen in a couple of seconds.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. ELAINEíS APARTAMENT

 

ELAINE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, READING A BOOK.

 

SOMEONE KNOCKS.

 

ELAINEíS GETS UP AND GOES TO THE DOOR.

 

ELAINE

Who is it?

 

JIMMY (V. O.)

Itís Jimmy.

 

ELAINE OPENS THE DOOR.

 

ELAINE

Oh! Hi Jimmy!

 

JIMMY

Hello, Elaine... Is Frank here?

 

ELAINE

No. I havenít seen him all day. Why?

 

JIMMY

We were supposed to have dinner this evening.

 

ELAINE

You were? Well, he didnít tell anything about that. Why donít you call him?

 

JIMMY

I canít.

 

ELAINE

You can use my phone if you want.

 

JIMMY

Thanks, but that wonít do any good. I have his cell phone. He left it in my house last night.

 

ELAINE

Iím really sorry but as you can see I have no idea where he is.

 

JIMMY

Okay. Thanks anyway.

 

JIMMY TURNS TO LEAVE. JERRY APPEARS.

 

JERRY

Hi.

 

JIMMY LOOKS AT JERRY AND LEAVES.

 

JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR.

 

JERRY

Nice guy. Whoís he?

 

ELAINE

Thatís Jimmy.

 

JERRY AND ELAINE SIT ON THE COUCH.

 

JERRY PICKS UP THE REMOTE CONTROL.

 

JERRY

What did he want?

 

ELAINE

He came looking for Frank.

 

JERRY

Oh... I see.

 

JERRY SEES A FOLDED PAPER ON THE FLOOR AND PICKS IT UP.

 

JERRY

Is this yours?

 

ELAINE

I donít know. Let me see.

 

JERRY GIVES ELAINE THE PIECE OF PAPER.

 

ELAINE UNFOLDS IT.

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

"Hi, Elaine. I had to make a special delivery. If Jimmy shows up, tell him to wait. I wonít be long. Bye, Frank."

 

ELAINE FOLDS THE PAPER AND TOSSES IT ON THE FLOOR

 

ELAINE

Oh. Itís nothing.

 

SOMEONE KNOCKS.

 

ELAINE GETS UP TO THE DOOR.

 

ELAINE

Who is it?

 

FRANK (V. O.)

Itís Frank.

 

ELAINE OPENS THE DOOR.

 

ELAINE

Hi, Frank!

 

FRANK

Hi.

 

FRANK TRIES TO KISS ELAINE BUT SHE BACKS AWAY.

 

FRANK

Whoís he?

 

ELAINE

Heís my friend Jerry.

 

JERRY

Hi.

 

FRANK

Did you see my note?

 

ELAINE

What note? Oh! Your note! Yeah... I saw it.

 

FRANK

Has he been here?

 

ELAINE

Who?

 

FRANK

Jimmy, who else?

 

ELAINE

I donít think so. I would remember that.

 

FRANK

If he shows up, you know what to do right?

 

JERRY PICKS THE PIECE OF PAPER AND LOOKS AT IT.

 

ELAINE

Yeah...

 

FRANK TURNS TO LEAVE.

 

ELAINE (contíd)

Hey! Where are you going?

 

FRANK

Iím gonna buy his present. Itís his anniversary tonight. Weíre going to a new restaurant downtown.

 

FRANK LEAVES.

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

I know what to do alright...

 

ELAINE SITS ON THE COUCH.

 

JERRY

(HOLDING THE PAPER)

Hum... I wonder if this little piece of paper had something to do with what just happened?

 

ELAINE

Sort of.

 

JERRY

Why didnít you tell him that Jimmy was here?

 

ELAINE

Why should I?

 

JERRY

Yeah. Why should you?

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS WATCHING TV.

 

ELAINE ENTERS ABRUPTLY.

 

ELAINE

This is it! Iíve made a decision.

 

JERRY

Youíre breaking up with him?

 

ELAINE

Yes.

 

ELAINE SITS.

 

JERRY

Somehow, that doesnít surprise me.

 

ELAINE

Not only that, Iím gonna destroy his entire relationship with Jimmy.

 

JERRY

Oh... payback. Thatís evil.

 

ELAINE

He didnít want to spend the evening with me because he and Jimmy were going out, remember? Not only that, last night, they slept together.

 

JERRY

How do you know that?

 

ELAINE

Jimmy told me.

 

JERRY

Did he tell you if they slept on the same bed?

 

ELAINE

I donít know if it was the same bed or not. All I know is that it was the same apartment.

 

JERRY

What were his exact words?

 

ELAINE

He told me that Frank had left his cell phone there.

 

JERRY

That doesnít mean anything. You canít assume that they had sex just because he forgot his cell phone there.

 

ELAINE

I was trying not to think so dramatically.

 

KRAMER ENTERS IN HIS OWN FASHION AWAY.

 

KRAMER IS WEARING A RED CAP.

 

KRAMER

Hello there.

 

JERRY

Kramer! Whereíve you been? I havenít seen you in three days!

 

KRAMER

Iíve been memorizing the subway maps.

 

ELAINE

What for?

 

KRAMER GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND TAKES A BOTTLE OF WATER.

 

KRAMER START TO DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

 

JERRY

Please donít put your mouth in there!

 

KRAMER PUTS THE BOTTLE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

 

KRAMER

Itís my first subway-week.

 

JERRY

Whatís that?

 

KRAMER

Just a bunch of people that decided to decrease the cityís traffic by using the public transportations more often.

 

JERRY

No. I mean, whatís that on your head?

 

KRAMER

(TAKES THE CAP OFF)

Oh. Itís what we use so that the other people know who we are.

 

JERRY

Do you think they give a damn who you are? Youíre just a regular freak show to them.

 

ELAINE

Do you actually believe that five or six people in the subway will help decrease traffic?

 

KRAMER

Yes. I believe so.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES.

 

JERRY

Everyone hates traffic. It makes anyone crazy to get three hours by car to reach a place that can be reach in less than one by foot.

Some people try to help the city by using the subway and, thus, decreasing traffic. But, the only way that their actions could be more perceptive was if people would stop using cars and began to use only public transportations.

I think that would be a greater problem than traffic, yíknow?

You think traffic is bad? No traffic is even worse.

Try to imagine thousands, millions of people, all of a sudden, changing to public transportations. Imagine that without counting the millions of others that use it every day. Itíd be like living in a can of sardines. Youíd rather walk, wouldnít you?

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. COFFEE SHOP. DAY

 

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE SITTING ON THE TABLE.

 

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE AND POUR ELAINE AND GEORGE MORE COFFEE.

 

THE WAITRESS LEAVES.

 

JERRY

She still hates me.

 

ELAINE

She doesnít hate you.

 

GEORGE

She definitely hates him.

 

KRAMER ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO THEM.

 

KRAMER IS WEARING A PAIR OF KNEE-CAPS.

 

KRAMER

Hi.

(TO THE WAITRESS)

Can I get some coffee, please?

 

GEORGE

Whatís that for?

 

KRAMER

Itís something Iíve decided to wear for my protection.

 

GEORGE

Protection from what?

 

THE WAITRESS SERVES KRAMERíS COFFEE.

 

KRAMER

Thanks. Well, I was on the subway this morning, during rush hour and I was sitting with my legs open, yíknow. And this guy sits right next to me and opens his legs so widely that Iím forced to close mine.

 

GEORGE

So?

 

KRAMER

So? I wanted to have my legs open too! Iím used to have my legs open when Iím sitting. My legs are too big to be closed.

 

GEORGE

Why didnít you ask him?

 

KRAMER

Yeah... Maybe I shouldíve turned to him and say

(WITH KIDDY VOICE)

Hey, mister, could you squeeze your legs just a bit, please?

 

ELAINE

I think it would be better if you said it like this.

(DEEP AND GUTURAL VOICE)

HEY! CLOSE YOUR LEGS, YOU SISSY!

 

JERRY

That could work.

(TO KRAMER)

There was something else you could do, yíknow?

 

KRAMER

What?

 

JERRY

Well... You could... open your legs.

 

KRAMER

No way! What do you think I am? A leg-rustler?

 

JERRY

Those were your words, not mine.

 

GEORGE

Why did you use the subway for? Donít you have a car?

 

KRAMER

I have Jerryís.

 

ELAINE

Heís joined a group of subway fanatics. Theyíre trying to help decrease traffic by using the subway.

 

GEORGE

Thatís so naive. And I thought I was the misguided here.

 

KRAMER

Itís an alternative, yíknow.

 

JERRY

I change my underwear every day. Thatís an alternative.

 

GEORGE

Youíre telling me, youíd rather be on a hot subway with lots of sweaty and smelly people rustling you, being unable to breathe, instead of using your car?

 

JERRY

My car.

 

KRAMER

If itís for a good cause, yes!

 

ELAINE

Using the subway is not an alternative. Itís like when youíre arrested and they sentence to public service.

 

GEORGE

Yíknow, thereís another issue here that perhaps no one has ever considered.

 

JERRY

What?

 

GEORGE

Well, if what heís saying is true, if heís really helping the community by using the subway, how come he doesnít get pay?

 

ELAINE

For using the subway?

 

GEORGE

Heís doing a favor to society. He should get a reward for his actions.

 

KRAMER

Yeah. I think youíre right. But that doesnít matter anyway Ďcuz my subway week has ended this morning. Boy! Those people are like animals! Itís a jungle!

 

ELAINE

I believe you.

 

JERRY

Just in time for Monkís reopening!

 

KRAMER

Uh... I donít think so. I called Larry last night.

 

GEORGE

You made a call to Africa?

 

KRAMER

I used Jerryís car phone. He will be staying for two more weeks.

 

JERRY

You used my car phone to make a call to Africa?

 

KRAMER

I couldnít use my car phone! Those international calls are too expensive!

 

JERRY

Whatíre you talking about? You donít even have a car phone!

 

KRAMER

Thatís my point.

 

JERRY

Iím charging you this call, you hear?

 

KRAMER

Iíll pay you back. Donít worry about it.

 

JERRY

Whatís the point of that?

 

GEORGE

See? Iíve told you, Jerry. This city is falling apart!

 

JERRY

Ah... donít be so worried.

 

GEORGE

Look around you! Look whatís happening outside. Larryís absence is affecting the lives of everyone! Youíre not getting any service here, Kramer is using the subway, Wendy and I broke up...

 

JERRY

And youíre peeking in public urinals.

 

GEORGE

Elaineís having trouble with her bisexual boyfriend.

 

ELAINE

So, what else is new?

(REALIZES WHAT HAPPENED)

What?!

 

KRAMER WHISTLES.

 

ELAINE

(TO JERRY)

You told him?

 

JERRY

I didnít tell him anything. He guessed.

 

ELAINE

The whole thing?

 

JERRY

The whole thing!

 

ELAINE

Just like that?

 

JERRY

Just like that!

 

ELAINE

How could he guess it just like that?

 

JERRY

I donít know. All I know is that there are some things that lay beyond menís knowledge.

 

ELAINE

You gave him a clue, didnít you?

 

JERRY

I might have said something very close to that, yes.

 

ELAINE

Thatís it! Iím gonna break up with him!

 

JERRY

I thought you already had.

 

ELAINE

Not yet. But I will soon.

 

KRAMER

Whatís his name?

 

ELAINE

Who? My future ex-boyfriend? Frank.

 

KRAMER

No no no. His boyfriendís name, what is it?

 

ELAINE

Jimmy... And heís not his boyfriend, heís just a sex partner.

 

KRAMER

How can you be so sure? Have you ever seen them kissing in public?

 

ELAINE

Yeah.

 

KRAMER

Do they go out very often?

 

ELAINE

A little.

 

KRAMER

When you go the theatre, does Jimmy sits right next to him?

 

ELAINE

Yes!

 

KRAMER

Then heís not the sex partner, you are.

 

ELAINE

I canít be a sex partner! I totally refuse the idea of someone just using me for sex.

 

JERRY

Why? You do it all the time.

 

ELAINE

Thatís different. Women are allowed to choose. Men arenít.

 

JERRY

Havenít you noticed that heís not a regular man?

 

ELAINE

I know that but, this issue maintains whether itís a normal man or not.

 

KRAMER

Is he a bisexual?

 

ELAINE

Iíve already told you that.

 

KRAMER

I meant his boyfriend. Is he just gay or is he a bisexual, too?

 

ELAINE

I donít know... Sometimes he looks at me in a very strange way.

 

KRAMER

Like what?

 

ELAINE

Like this.

(TWISTS HER EYES)

See?

 

KRAMER

Thatís hot! He wants you!

 

ELAINE

What makes you say that?                

 

KRAMER

Because of the look he gave you.

 

JERRY

Either that or heís a cross-eyed.

 

KRAMER

Why donít you three consider a trio?

 

ELAINE

Thatís completely out of the question.

 

KRAMER

It could help you to find new forms of pleasure.

 

GEORGE

Simultaneously.

 

JERRY

That sex therapist was really good. Too bad you broke up.

 

ELAINE

Iím perfectly happy as a straight monogamist woman, thank you very much.

 

JERRY

As long as heís not a bisexual...

 

ELAINE (contíd)

But, anyway, that wonít make much of a difference after Iím through with my plan.

 

KRAMER

Wait a minute. What plan?

 

JERRY

She wants to get even on Frank and Jimmy by destroying their relationship.

 

KRAMER

(TO ELAINE)

Are you serious about this?

 

ELAINE

Deadly serious!

 

KRAMER

Have you actually considered the results of your actions?

 

ELAINE

Of course I have.

 

KRAMER

Youíre willing to destroy a good, healthy gay relationship and for what? Spite?

 

ELAINE

Yeah! Spite!

 

KRAMER

What kind of a woman are you?

 

ELAINE

A straight woman.

 

ELAINE PUTS A NOTE ON THE TABLE, GETS UP AND LEAVES.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

EXT. STREET. OUTSIDE ELAINEíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

ELAINE ARRIVES TO HER BUILDING.

 

FRANK AND JIMMY ARE WAITING FOR HER.

 

ELAINE

Hi... Did you have a nice meal and a good night sex, I mean sleep?

 

JIMMY

As a matter of fact, we had.

 

FRANK

Let me do the talking, okay? Elaine, Iím gonna be straight with you.

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

Yeah, right!

 

FRANK

Itís over.

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

Youíre damn right itís over!

 

FRANK

Weíre getting married.

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

Oh my god...

 

JIMMY

Thatís right. So weíd appreciate it if youíd stop bothering us.

 

ELAINE

Fine. No problem.

 

FRANK

Goodbye Elaine. Best of luck.

 

FRANK AND JIMMY WALK AWAY HOLDING HANDS.

 

ELAINE

Have a nice honey moon! You anticipating bastards...

 

ELAINE ENTERS THE BUILDING.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

JERRY IS LYING ON THE COUCH, WATCHING TV.

 

THE PHONE RINGS. JERRY ANWSERS THE PHONE.

 

JERRY

Hello? Oh! Hi, Elaine.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. ELAINEíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

ELAINE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.

 

ELAINE

I just bumped into a happy couple.

 

JERRY (V. O.)

Oh. Did your plan work?

 

ELAINE

No. They anticipated it. Frank broke up with me before I could anything. Theyíre getting married.

 

JERRY (V. O.)

Whatíre you talking about?

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

JERRY

You didnít have that much of a relation. You were nothing but a sex object to me.

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

Thank you so much for cheering me up.

 

JERRY

I guess thatís the end of your plan.

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

Not yet.

 

JERRY

You have something on your mind?

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

Iíll think of something. Okay. I gotta go. Iíll see you at the coffee shop so that we can talk.

 

JERRY

Why donít you want to call on the phone? Isnít this line safe?

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

I think so.

 

JERRY

Then why canít we talk?

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. ELAINEíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

ELAINE

Because Iím paying the call, okay? Bye, Jerry.

 

ELAINE HANGS UP.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

JERRY HANGS UP.

 

KRAMER SLIDES IN.

 

KRAMER

Iíve just talked to Larry.

 

JERRY

You used my car phone again?

 

KRAMER

Iíll said Iíll pay you.

 

JERRY

Yeah right... So, what did he say?

 

KRAMER

He said that heíll be back in a few days.

 

JERRY

But you said that he would be staying there for two more weeks.

 

KRAMER

I guess heís missing this.

 

JERRY

How can anyone miss this?

 

KRAMER

Got anything to eat?

 

KRAMER GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR.

 

JERRY

Thereís some Chinese leftovers there. Help yourself.

 

GEORGE ENTERS.

 

GEORGE

Hi.

 

JERRY

Hey.

 

GEORGE

Did you talk to Elaine?

 

JERRY

Yes.

 

KRAMER

(TALKING WITH HIS MOUTH FULL)

What happened?

 

GEORGE AND JERRY LOOK AT EACH OTHER UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT KRAMER JUST SAID.

 

JERRY

It didnít work out. Frank broke up with Elaine before she could do anything.

 

GEORGE

So, the guy is a bisexual and an anticipator? What a combination.

 

KRAMER

(MORE CLEAR)

Whatís she gonna do now?

 

JERRY

I donít know. but I think thatís the least of your concerns.

 

JERRY WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS KRAMER.

 

KRAMER STEPS BACK.

 

KRAMER

What díyou mean?

 

JERRY

I mean, I want my money back. Now.

 

KRAMER

Jerry, I said Iíll pay you.

 

JERRY

I donít wanna hear any promises!

 

KRAMER

You know me. Iím your friend, Jerry. Iím your friend.

 

JERRY

Donít apologize! Get out and go get my money or youíre gonna feed the fish!

 

KRAMER

But you donít have a fish.

 

JERRY

Are you mocking me?

 

KRAMER IS QUIET FOR A SECOND THEN STARTS TO LAUGH HISTERICALLY.

 

KRAMER

Yíknow, for a moment I thought you were serious. Youíre funny, Jerry. Youíre a very funny man.

 

JERRY

(PICKS KRAMERíS NOSE)

You think Iím funny? Youíre saying I amuse you? Do you wanna see me losing my temper???

 

KRAMER SHAKES HIS HEAD IN TOTAL DISAGREEMENT.

 

JERRY

(LETS GOT KRAMERíS NOSE)

Then go get my money now!

 

KRAMER EXITS RUNNING.

 

JERRY LOOKS TO A STUNNED GEORGE.

 

JERRY

And as for you, you bold dwarf...

 

GEORGE TRIES TO BACK AWAY BUT, HEíS ALREADY AGAINST THE WALL.

 

GEORGE

What about me?

 

JERRY BEGINS TO LAUGH.

 

JERRY

Did you see the look on his face?

 

GEORGE

What got into you? You looked like a gangster?

 

JERRY

I saw "GOODFELLAS" last night.

 

GEORGE

Oh. Scorsese right? With Joe Pesci and that other guy.

 

JERRY

Yeah.

 

GEORGE

Whoís the other guy?

 

JERRY

I canít remember.

 

KRAMER ENTERS AGAIN.

 

JERRY

Youíre back already? Do you have my money?

 

KRAMER

No. But I know how to get it.

 

JERRY

I donít care how you get it. Just get it.

 

KRAMER

Okay. But I need one of your receipts from the car phone company.

 

JERRY

What díyou need that for?

 

KRAMER

Iím gonna make a phony copy of it but Iím gonna add these two calls.

 

JERRY

But you made the calls this month.

 

KRAMER

But if I show them the last monthís receipt with these two calls theyíre gonna try to trace the calls and they wonít find Ďem.

 

JERRY

So?

 

KRAMER

Isnít it obvious? If they canít locate the calls, it means they were never done, right? Theyíll have to return me the money.

 

JERRY

Donít you think they have their own copy there?

 

KRAMER

Well, thatís a risk Iím gonna have to take.

 

JERRY

Take whatever risks you want. Just remember one thing Ė if youíre caught, I never saw in my life.

 

KRAMER

Giddy up!

 

KRAMER EXITS AGAIN.

 

GEORGE

You think heís gonna make it?

 

JERRY

Yes. And next time Iíll go to the coffee shop, that waitress is gonna serve me.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. CAR PHONE STORE. DAY

 

KRAMER WALKS TO THE COUNTER.

 

ASSISTANT #1

Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?

 

KRAMER TAKES OUT A FOLDED SHEET FROM HIS POCKET AND UNFOLDS IT.

 

KRAMER

Hi. I have this receipt here from last month and Iíve noticed that there are two internationals calls made without my knowledge.

 

ASSISTANT #1

Did you make those calls?

 

KRAMER

No.

 

ASSISTANT #1

Do you know who did?

 

KRAMER

No.

 

ASSISTANT #1

Do you want me to check if those calls were made from your car phone?

 

KRAMER

Er... No need to do that. I just want the money.

 

ASSISTANT #1

I see. May I take a look at the receipt, please?

 

KRAMER

Sure.

 

KRAMER GIVES THE RECEIPT TO THE ASSISTANT #1.

 

THE ASSISTANT #1 LOOKS AT THE RECEIPT AND HITS A FEW KEYS ON HER KEYBOARD.

 

FRANK ENTERS THE STORE AND GOES TO THE COUNTER.

 

FRANK

Hi. Iíd like to buy a phone, please.

 

ASSISTANT #2

Certainly sir.

 

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. ELAINEíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

ELAINE IS SITTING ON HER COUCH, WRITTING SOMETHING.

 

THE FLOOR IS FULL OF PAPERS.

 

ELAINE RIPS THE PAPER INTO TINY BITS.

 

ELAINE

Ah!!!!!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. CAR PHONE STORE. DAY

 

ASSISTANT #1

Well, Mr. Seinfeld, I sent your request to my superiors. Theyíre going to make an evaluation of your case and theyíll contact you in twenty four hours.

 

KRAMER

I canít wait twenty four hours. I need the money now.

 

ASSISTANT #1

Iím sorry sir, but youíre going to have to wait.

 

ASSISTANT #2 SHOWS FRANK SEVERAL PHONES.

 

KRAMER

But I need it now! I canít go home without the money!

 

ASSISTANT #1

Iím sorry. But thereís really nothing I can do.

 

KRAMER LOOKS AROUND HIM AND SEES FRANKíS WALLET ON THE COUNTER.

 

KRAMER GRABS THE WALLET AND RUNS AWAY.

 

FRANK

Hey! That guy stole my wallet!

 

FRANK RUNS AFTER KRAMER BUT, HEíS BLOCKED BY THE SECURITY GUARD.

 

SECURITY GUARD

You have to pay that before you leave.

 

FRANK

He stole my wallet! Do something! Go after him!

 

SECURITY GUARD

Thatís not my job.

 

FRANK

Thatís not your job?! Okay! Iíll go after him!

 

SECURITY GUARD

Iím sorry sir but, I cannot let you go. Youíll have to wait for the police to get here.

 

FRANK

When the police gets here heíll be long gone!

 

SECURITY GUARD

Thatís not my problem.

 

FRANK

Iím gonna sue you!

 

SECURITY GUARD

Whatever...

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

JERRY IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.

 

KRAMER ENTERS AND TOSSES SOME MONEY ON HIM.

 

JERRY

Whatís this?

 

KRAMER

Thereís your money! Can I come back now?

 

JERRY

Kramer! How did you get this? Donít tell me your plan worked.

 

KRAMER

Almost.

 

JERRY

What díyou mean "almost"?

 

KRAMER

Well, I went to the car phone store and I explained my situation to the assistant. So, she examined the receipt and told me that I would have to wait for twenty four hours.

 

THE BUZZER GOES OFF.

 

JERRY PICKS THE RECEIVER.

 

JERRY

Hello?

 

GEORGE (V. O.)

Itís me.

 

JERRY

Come on up. So, how did you managed to get the money?

 

KRAMER

A guy standing next to me put his wallet on the counter and so I grabbed it and ran away.

 

JERRY

You took his wallet?

 

KRAMER

Yeah. But once I get the money from the car phone company, Iíll send his money back to him.

 

JERRY

You really think theyíre gonna return the money?

 

KRAMER

I think so.

 

JERRY

But theyíre not!

 

KRAMER

Well, thatís too bad for him.

 

JERRY

Who is this guy, anyway?

 

GEORGE ENTERS.

 

GEORGE

Hi.

 

KRAMER

His name is Frank Jones.

 

JERRY

Frank Jones?

 

GEORGE

Hey. Isnít the name of Elaineís ex-boyfriend?

 

JERRY

Yeah.

(TO KRAMER)

Do you have a picture of him?

 

KRAMER

Yeah, I do.

 

KRAMER TAKES FRANKíS WALLET FROM HIS POCKET AND PICKS OUT FRANKíS I. D. CARD.

 

KRAMER GIVES THE I. D. TO JERRY.

 

JERRY

Thatís him! Thatís the guy!

 

GEORGE

Let me see it.

 

JERRY GIVES THE I. D. TO GEORGE.

 

GEORGE

Oh my god...

(SITS ON THE COUCH)

This canít be true...

 

JERRY

What is it? Díyou know him?

 

GEORGE

He... er... he was the guy I peeked at the urinal.

 

KRAMER

You did what?

 

GEORGE

I only glanced for a second, okay?

 

KRAMER

Why didnít you tell me you were gay, George?

 

GEORGE

Because Iím not!

 

KRAMER

I thought we were friends.

 

GEORGE

Weíre friends as long as Iím not gay.

 

KRAMER

Wanna be more than friends? Yíknow, I have a cousin...

 

GEORGE

Iím not interested!

 

KRAMER

I think you gonna like him. Heís very sensitive. Just like you.

 

GEORGE

Shut up!

 

KRAMER

Do you want me to fix a date with you two?

 

GEORGE TRIES TO STRANGLE KRAMER.

 

JERRY

Stop that! Go kill yourselves outside. I donít want any corpses lying in here!

 

GEORGE CALMS DOWN.

 

GEORGE

Iím sorry, Jerry. I have to go now.

 

GEORGE EXITS.

 

KRAMER

Man! These short people can be very peculiar...

 

JERRY

No doubt about that.

 

KRAMER

Okay, I have to go now. Iíll see tonight at Monkís, okay?

 

JERRY

(ENLIGHTENED)

Larryís back?

 

KRAMER

Heís back!

 

JERRY

Heís back?

 

KRAMER

Heís back, Jerry!

 

KRAMER HITS THE DOOR WITH HIS HEAD AND EXITS.

 

JERRY RUNS TO THE WINDOW AND YELLS OUT.

 

JERRY

Larryís back!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

EXT. STREET. DAY

 

GEORGE LOOKS UP AND SEES JERRY ON THE WINDOW.

 

JERRY

(YELLING)

Larryís back! Larryís back!

 

GEORGE BEGINS TO YELL AND JUMPING ON THE SIDEWALK.

 

GEORGE

Larryís back! Larryís back!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. ELAINEíS APARTMENT. NIGHT

 

ELAINE IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.

 

SHE IS COVERED WITH PAPERS.

 

THE PHONE RINGS.

 

ELAINE WAKES UP AND ANSWERS IT.

 

ELAINE

Er... hi. Oh. Hi, Jerry. I was just... What? Heís back? Iíll be right there!

 

ELAINE HANGS UP.

 

ELAINE

Heís back!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONKíS NIGHT

 

JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE AND KRAMER ARE SITTING ON THEIR OLD SPOT.

 

JERRY

Oh! This is so good!

 

GEORGE

What a relief!

 

KRAMER

Oh mama!

 

ELAINE

I still canít believe this! Things are finally back to normal.

 

GEORGE

Whatever that is.

 

JERRY

So, tell me Elaine, did your plan B work?

 

ELAINE

No, I couldnít come up with anything except for a painful wrist.

 

KRAMER

Are you gonna see him again?

 

ELAINE

Not very likely.

 

KRAMER

(TAKES FRANKíS WALLET FROM HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO ELAINE)

Well, if you do, you give him this, okay?

 

ELAINE

Where did you get this?

 

KRAMER

Itís a very long story.

 

JERRY

I still canít believe that they actually bought your story.

 

KRAMER

You know me. I can be very persuasive.

 

ELAINE

Donít worry about this, Kramer. Iíll make sure he gets this.

 

ELAINE PUTS FRANKíS WALLET IN HER BAG.

 

GEORGE

Okay... Letís order.

 

JERRY

Who wants a burger?

 

THEY RAISE THEIR HANDS.

 

JERRY

I see we have an unanimous vote.

 

THE WAITRESSA APPROACHES THE TABLE.

 

WAITRESS

What will it be?

 

JERRY

Four burgers, please.

 

WAITRESS

I can only make three.

 

THEY LOOK AT THE WAITRESS.

 

ITíS THE SAME WAITRESS FROM THE OTHER COFFEE SHOP.

 

JERRY

Oh no! Itís you!

 

 

END CREDITS

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES.

 

JERRY

I was on a subway station the other day and I was looking for something when I saw a map in Braille, yíknow, so that blind people are able to know where things are. That made sense to me.

What I didnít understand was how were they supposed to find the map? Whatís a map good for if I donít know where it is? How do they know that thereís a map there in the first place?

I think that if I was a blind man looking for something on a subway station, I wouldnít ask someone for the map, I would go straight to the main question.

Whatís so special about that map, anyway? Does it say how many steps I have to take?

Maybe if I go the map Iíll read something like this:

"Turn around thirty five degrees south, walk twenty large steps or forty five short steps and once you hear the doors opening, jump in."

 

 

 

 

THE END

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