THE TIPPING

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

Joel G. Gomes

September 2001

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES.

JERRY

The tip is what we use, as a customer, to show our appreciation for a good service. But, the only people that can actually afford to get a tip are the people that serve coffee and carry bags.

It’s like if we’re in a hospital, and we’re somewhere between life and death, we don’t have to tip the doctor if he saves our lives.

In fact, if we get a transplant, we don’t even have to thank the guy that gave one of his organs to us. He’s a complete stranger and he saved our lives but, unless he serves us some coffee while we’re in the hospital, no way he’s getting a tip.

CUT TO:

INT. COFFEE SHOP. DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SITTING ON A RED WOOD TABLE DRINKING COFFEE.

GEORGE

(CHECKING HIS POCKET)

Oh no.

JERRY

What is it?

GEORGE

I forgot my wallet. Can I borrow some money from you?

JERRY

How much?

GEORGE

Just for the coffee.

JERRY

I don’t know.

(CHECKS HIS WALLET)

Hum... Sorry.

GEORGE

Never mind. I’ll pay her tomorrow.

JERRY

I’m not sure if they’ll let you pay tomorrow.

GEORGE

Why wouldn’t they? I’ve been coming here since Monk’s closed.

JERRY

I know that, but how can they be sure that you’re not leaving the country tomorrow?

GEORGE

Why would I leave the country tomorrow? If I had money to leave the country, do you think I’d come to this place? Besides, I don’t think this expense will cause any bankruptcy.

JERRY

You never know what can happen in this sort of business. It’s very unstable, very risky.

JERRY TAKES A NOTE FROM HIS WALLET AND PUTS IT ON THE TABLE.

GEORGE

I thought you said you didn’t have enough money.

JERRY

I don’t. This is for the tip. I can’t lend you my tip money.

GEORGE

You won’t lend me the money I need because you want to tip the waitress?

JERRY

That’s right.

GEORGE

But you don’t tip!

JERRY

I didn’t. But that was before I realize that we get a better service here if we train the waitress to get a tip. It’s kinda like a previous compensation for future services.

GEORGE

Can’t you spare me your tip, just for today?

JERRY

Ah... Alright!

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE AND BEGINS TO COLECT THE CUPS.

JERRY

I’d like to pay one cake and two coffees, please.

JERRY GIVES THE NOTE TO THE WAITRESS.

THE WAITRESS LOOKS AT THE NOTE AND THEN AT JERRY.

WAITRESS

That’s it? No tip?

JERRY

Sorry...

WAITRESS

Thanks a lot!

THE WAITRESS GOES AWAY.

JERRY

Boy! She took it hard!

GEORGE

Come on!

(STANDS)

Let’s go!

JERRY

What’s all that rush for?

GEORGE

I gotta go see Wendy.

JERRY

Okay.

(STANDS)

I’m going.

JERRY AND GEORGE HEAD FOR THE DOOR.

ELAINE ENTERS THE COFFEE-SHOP.

ELAINE

Hi! You guys leaving already?

GEORGE

I gotta go see Wendy.

ELAINE

Ah! New girlfriend?

GEORGE

Sex partner. Actually, she’s my sex therapist.

ELAINE

Oh! That will teach you something. What about you?

JERRY

I’m thinking of catching a movie or something...

ELAINE

What? You’re gone leave me here all by myself?

JERRY

You’re a grown woman now, Elaine; you can take care of yourself. You’re not expecting us to stay here, are you?

GEORGE

I don’t think the waitress will like that.

JERRY

I don’t think so either.

ELAINE

Why? What happened?

JERRY

George didn’t have enough money so he had to borrow from me and I wasn’t able to tip the waitress.

ELAINE

Oh no...

GEORGE

(IMITATING ELAINE)

"Oh no..." What’s so wrong with not tipping? They’re required to do their job aren’t they? The tip is nothing but a common cliché.

JERRY

But you get a better service when you tip. She’s a lot nicer.

GEORGE

I don’t care if she’s nice or not as long as she serves me what I want.

ELAINE

You know what you have to do, right?

JERRY

No. What?

ELAINE

You have to double-tip her the next time.

JERRY

Double-tip her? Why would I do that?

ELAINE

Because you didn’t tip her the last time?

JERRY

Fine. I’ll stay.

ELAINE

Great! One down. How ‘bout you? You’re coming back or not?

GEORGE

I can’t. I’ve told I’ve gotta go see Wendy.

JERRY

You’re really desperate for sex, aren’t you?

GEORGE

I’ll see you later, okay?

JERRY

Fine.

GEORGE EXITS THE COFFEE-SHOP AND RUNS AWAY.

JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AMAZED.

ELAINE

He’s fast alright.

JERRY

I hope he still has enough speed for the therapy.

JERRY AND ELAINE RETURN TO THE TABLE WHERE JERRY WAS.

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE.

WAITRESS

What will it be?

ELAINE

Just coffee for me, please.

THE WAITRESS LEAVES.

JERRY

Did you see what just happened here?

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

She didn’t ask me what I wanted!

ELAINE

Well, you didn’t tell her.

JERRY

I’m not the one who has to tell her. It’s part of her job to ask.

ELAINE

But she asked.

JERRY

She asked you.

ELAINE

She asked both of us. She said "What will it be?", remember?

JERRY

But she only looked at you. Like I wasn’t here or something.

ELAINE

She did no such thing. You’re just resenting her for what happened.

THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE’S COFFEE.

ELAINE

Thanks.

JERRY

Excuse me?

THE WAITRESS IGNORES JERRY.

JERRY

What about this?

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

I called her. She didn’t even look at me.

ELAINE

Technically, you didn’t call her.

JERRY

Technically... What was I supposed to say? Excuse me, waitress?

ELAINE

That would be more selective, yes.

JERRY

Do you want me to prove it to you that she’s ignoring me?

ELAINE

Okay. Bring out exhibit A.

JERRY

(TO THE WAITRESS)

Hey! Could you come over here for a second please?

THE WAITRESS IGNORES JERRY’S REQUEST.

JERRY

See? She’s ignoring me!

ELAINE

Maybe she didn’t hear you.

A MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COFFEE SHOP COUGHS.

THE WAITRESS RUNS TO THE MAN’S TABLE.

WAITRESS

Can I get you anything?

ELAINE

That guy must be a triple-tipper.

JERRY

That’s it! She’s not getting a double-tip, a simple tip or any kind of previous or past retribution! Not today, not tomorrow, not ever again!

ELAINE

Fine... Whatever makes you happy.

JERRY NOTICES SOMETHING SHINY ON ELAINE’S EARS.

JERRY

What’s that?

ELAINE

What’s what?

JERRY

That on your ears.

ELAINE

What do you think this is? It’s earrings.

JERRY

They look very nice. Who gave you that?

ELAINE

Why did you assume so promptly that this was a gift? You think I can’t afford to buy earrings like this?

JERRY

I know you can’t.

ELAINE

My boyfriend gave ‘em to me. He works at a jewellery store.

JERRY

What’s his name?

ELAINE

Frank. Frank Jones.

JERRY

A. k. a.?

ELAINE

No a. k. a. Just Frank Jones.

JERRY

Just Frank Jones. Hum... What’s he like?

ELAINE

He’s great. He’s handsome, strong.

(LAUGHS)

 He’s frank!

JERRY

That doesn’t excite me very much. How ‘bout the acting part?

ELAINE

Does that excite you?

JERRY

I know what you’re capable of. I’m just curious about this new combination.

ELAINE

Well... He’s okay. He acts.

JERRY

Okay? You can’t fool me. You know that, don’t you?

ELAINE

Actually he’s very good. He’s got stamina, lots of it.

JERRY

But?

ELAINE

He... uh... He plays on both sides.

JERRY

Excuse me?

ELAINE

(BREATHS DEEPLY)

He’s a bisexual.

JERRY

What? You’re telling me you’re dating a bisexual guy?

ELAINE

I didn’t know he was a bisexual. I only found out afterwards when he introduced me to his friend Jimmy and I saw them kissing each other.

JERRY

What d’you mean ?

ELAINE

They kissed each other on the lips, right in front of me!

JERRY

Are you gonna break up with him?

ELAINE

I’m thinking of giving him a second chance.

JERRY

Did you kiss him after this event?

ELAINE

Yeah. Once. It felt so strange. His lips tasted like man.

JERRY

Well, you know I’ve never kissed a man’s lips before but I believe that that flavor is due to the fact that he’s a man.

ELAINE

No! His lips didn’t have the usual flavor! It was Jimmy’s flavor! Don’t you see?! It’s my flavor that’s supposed to be in there!

JERRY

(LAUGHING)

You poor little girl...

ELAINE

Are you mocking me? You think this is funny? I’m in danger of being dumped for a man! A man, Jerry!

JERRY

Are you jealous of him?

ELAINE

Who?

JERRY

Jimmy.

ELAINE

How could I be jealous of a man?

JERRY

No need to tell.

ELAINE

What the hell does this guy have that I don’t?

JERRY

Maybe you should ask Frank.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

JERRY GETS UP AND PICKS THE RECEIVER.

JERRY

Who is it?

GEORGE (V. O.)

It’s me.

JERRY

Come on up.