THE SEX ISSUES

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

Joel G. Gomes

November 2002

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

JERRY

Sex is everywhere. It’s almost impossible not to talk about it. If you notice carefully, you’ll see that everything we do, has to do with sex. For example, when we wash our clothes. We do it because we wanna look good to captive our sexual partner.

Some people do everything they can to avoid sexual pleasure, but I think that’s not enough. I think the only way to avoid sex is to be locked up in a room with a chastity belt. And even then, I’m not sure.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK’S. DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING COFFEE.

GEORGE

So tell me something...

(BEAT)

Do you think dead people can pleasure themselves?

JERRY

Why? You’re planning on killing yourself soon?

GEORGE

No. I’d just like to know what you think.

JERRY

In what way?

GEORGE

You know... Self dependence.

JERRY

Well, I don’t think so. But, even if they could, d’you honestly believe it would make any difference to the fact that they’re dead?

GEORGE

No. But, at least, it would give them something to spend their time with.

JERRY

George, listen to me. Listen very carefully, okay?

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

They are dead! Dead! They don’t need entertainment. Wh-where do you come up with this stuff?

GEORGE

I think this a very interesting subject.

JERRY

What happened to toilet paper?

GEORGE

I stopped using that.

JERRY

But only as a subject of conversation, right?

GEORGE

Of course.

JERRY

Well, I’m sure there are scientists working on this issue. Maybe even putting cameras inside caskets and treating corpses like rab rats. Testing artificial insemination on female bodies, mating attempts with-

GEORGE

Okay! Okay!

JERRY

(LAUGHS)

And...

GEORGE

Okay! I got it!

ELAINE COMES IN. SHE IS RADIANT.

SHE JOINS THEM.

ELAINE

Hi!

JERRY

Hey.

GEORGE

Hi, Elaine.

JERRY

(SMILES)

Hmm...

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

How is he?

ELAINE

How’s who?

JERRY

Your new boyfriend.

ELAINE

What makes you think I have a new boyfriend?

JERRY

I can tell when you have a new boyfriend.

ELAINE

Is it because of my radiance?

JERRY

No. It has more to do with the fact that you’ve dumped the last one, four days ago.

ELAINE LAUGHS.

JERRY

So tell me, what’s he like?

ELAINE

Oh! He’s a director.

GEORGE

What kind of director?

ELAINE

I don’t know. The kind that... directs.

JERRY

What’s his name?

ELAINE

Kris Kramski.

JERRY

Kris Kramski?

GEORGE

What kind of name is that?

JERRY

Sounds like a name for a sports company from Eastern Europe.

ELAINE

He was born in France. He came to America when he was young.

JERRY

Have you seen any of his stuff?

ELAINE

Not yet. He invited me for a late night session at his apartment tonight.

JERRY

A late night session of what?

ELAINE

(SMILES)

Whatever it comes.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT. NIGHT

JERRY IS WATCHING TV.

THE BUZZER SOUNDS.

JERRY GETS UP AND ANSWERS IT.

JERRY

Yeah?

KATE (OS)

It’s Kate.

JERRY

Come on up.

JERRY RETURNS TO THE SOFA.

KRAMER COMES IN.

KRAMER

Hey Jerry, do you have a screwdriver?

JERRY

Check out the kitchen drawer.

KRAMER GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND CHECKS THE DRAWER IN AN INEVITABLE CLUMSY WAY.

JERRY

Careful there.

KRAMER PRODUCES A SCREWDRIVER FROM THE DRAWER.

KRAMER

Found it!

KRAMER WALKS TO THE DOOR.

THE DOOR OPENS. KATE ENTERS.

KRAMER TWITCHES WHEN HE SEES HER AND LEAVES.

JERRY GETS UP AND KISSES KATE.

KATE  

What was that all about?

JERRY

Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.

CUT TO:

INT. KRAMSKI’S HOUSE. NIGHT

THE LIGHT IS PALE. ELAINE IS SITTING ON SOFA. KRIS IS CHECKING A BOX FILLED VHS TAPES.

ELAINE

Are you going to show me your stuff tonight or what?

KRIS (FRENCH ACCENT) 

I’ll be ready in a minute! Ah! Here’s my favorite!

ELAINE

Is this one yours?

KRIS

Not yet. I thought I show you the work of one my favorite artists in the business.

ELAINE

What’s his name?

KRIS

Murakawa Tooru. The movie is called “A PLAY OF WHITE FINGERS”.

ELAINE

Sounds interesting. What’s the story?

KRIS

You’ll see. I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

KRIS PUTS THE TAPE IN THE VCR AND SITS NEXT TO ELAINE. HE GRABS THE REMOTE AND PRESSES THE PLAY BUTTON.

WE HEAR MOANS FROM THE PICTURE. IT’S A PORNO MOVIE.

ELAINE IS SHOCKED. KRIS LOOKS VERY PROUD.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY’S BEDROOM. NIGHT

JERRY AND KATE ARE HAVING SEX. THE CLOCK INDICATES 0.05.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY’S BEDROOM. NIGHT

THE CLOCK NOW INDICATES 2.35.

JERRY AND KATE ARE LYING ON THE BED, LOOKING TO THE CEILING. JERRY IS TIRED AND KATE IS CLEARLY UPSET.

JERRY

I can take this anymore! You’re draining my vital energy out of me!

KATE

I like to extend my period of pleasure, okay?

JERRY

That’s easy for you to say, but what about me? I can’t hold on for two hours! At least, not every day. I need to get some rest.

KATE

You know what? You can be very selfish sometimes.

JERRY LOOKS AT KATE.

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

JERRY

Society has imposed us that men are not allowed to refuse sex. When a woman tells “I don’t feel like it”, it’s because we have a problem. Either bad breath, extreme B. O. or physical disability and we have to accept whatever the reason she says.  

The sad thing is that we have nothing to excuse ourselves with. They got the period and stuff like that, but men don’t have nothing. Whenever they want, we have to do it. Love till death do us part.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK’S. DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.

GEORGE IS A BIT DEPRESSED. JERRY IS TIRED.

GEORGE

Relax. It happens to everyone. Even me.

JERRY

I’m not worried about everyone. I’m worried about me?

GEORGE

Who are you to complain? At least, in your case, she reacts. I’m lucky, if she even sighs.

KRAMER ENTERS WEARING A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES. HE SITS NEXT TO GEORGE.

KRAMER

Hey.

(TO THE WAITRESS)

Can I have some coffee, please?

JERRY

What’s that?

KRAMER

Sunglasses.

JERRY

That I can see. Why are you wearing them. We’re in the middle of the Winter. There is no sun out there.

KRAMER

You mean I’m not allowed to wear sunglasses when I want?

THE WAITRESS BRINGS KRAMER’S COFFEE.

KRAMER

Thanks.

GEORGE

(LOOKS CAREFULLY AT KRAMER’S FACE)

What’s that on your face?

KRAMER

Where?

GEORGE

Right there. Under the glasses.

KRAMER

It’s nothing.

JERRY

Let me see.

KRAMER

I’m telling you it’s nothing.

JERRY

If it’s nothing, then you have no reason why we shouldn’t see it.

KRAMER

Alright...

KRAMER TAKES OFF HIS SUNGLASSES. HIS LEFT EYE IS SWOLLEN.

JERRY

What happened?

GEORGE

Looks like you were punched.

JERRY LOOKS TO GEORGE.

KRAMER

I was... er... involuntarily forced to participate in an aggression.

JERRY

How’s that?

KRAMER

Last night, when I was coming home, I saw this amazing woman. She was like a goddess! Man! Blonde, her body was like a Buddhist temple, covered with a short and tight white dress.

GEORGE

Wow!

JERRY

So you looked?

KRAMER

How could I not? The guy behind her was hypnotized by her rear end too.

GEORGE

Then what?

KRAMER

Well, then the guy noticed me and walked towards me. He punched me in the eye and said "That’s for looking at my girlfriend!"

JERRY

That’s unbelievable. Just because you looked?

(TAKES A SIP FROM HIS COFFEE)

So that’s the state of the world today, isn’t it? In the last two thousand years, that’s what mankind has accomplished. You can’t look to a woman without being punched.

GEORGE

If they don’t want us to look at their women, maybe they should keep her looked inside the house. Or paint them with invisible ink.

JERRY

That’s what I call a great idea.

KRAMER

What about you? Is everything okay?

GEORGE

He’s having trouble with his girlfriend.

JERRY

Oh! I almost forgot! I wanted to ask you something.

KRAMER

About what?

JERRY

About what happened at my place the other day when you saw my new girlfriend.

KRAMER

I don’t know. She looked very familiar. I think I’ve seen her before.

JERRY

Where do you know her from?

KRAMER

I don’t know exactly. What’s the matter with her?

JERRY

She’s a starved.

KRAMER

And you’re afraid you can’t deal with it?

GEORGE

I’ve already asked him if he wants some help but he refuses.

JERRY

I don’t help.

GEORGE

We’re your friends. We want to help you.

JERRY

Why don’t you go help your girlfriend instead?

KRAMER

If one of you happens to die from exhaustion, can I have your kidney?

GEORGE

Not mine. I wanna be cremated.

JERRY

(TO KRAMER)

And if you meet again the guy that did that to your eye, you might just get that same fate. Before he kills you that is.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY IS WORKING AT HIS COMPUTER.

ELAINE COMES IN AND PUTS HER PURSE ON THE TABLE. SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT AND SITS ON THE COUCH.

JERRY GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE COUCH.

JERRY

"Hello Jerry, how are you?" "I’m fine, Elaine. What about you?"

ELAINE