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The Sex Issues

 

 

THE SEX ISSUES

 

 

 

 

 

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

 †††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

Joel G. Gomes

 

 

 

November 2002

 

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

 

JERRY

Sex is everywhere. Itís almost impossible not to talk about it. If you notice carefully, youíll see that everything we do, has to do with sex. For example, when we wash our clothes. We do it because we wanna look good to captive our sexual partner.

Some people do everything they can to avoid sexual pleasure, but I think thatís not enough. I think the only way to avoid sex is to be locked up in a room with a chastity belt. And even then, Iím not sure.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONKíS. DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING COFFEE.

 

GEORGE

So tell me something...

(BEAT)

Do you think dead people can pleasure themselves?

 

JERRY

Why? Youíre planning on killing yourself soon?

 

GEORGE

No. Iíd just like to know what you think.

 

JERRY

In what way?

 

GEORGE

You know... Self dependence.

 

JERRY

Well, I donít think so. But, even if they could, díyou honestly believe it would make any difference to the fact that theyíre dead?

 

GEORGE

No. But, at least, it would give them something to spend their time with.

 

JERRY

George, listen to me. Listen very carefully, okay?

 

GEORGE

What?

 

JERRY

They are dead! Dead! They donít need entertainment. Wh-where do you come up with this stuff?

 

GEORGE

I think this a very interesting subject.

 

JERRY

What happened to toilet paper?

 

GEORGE

I stopped using that.

 

JERRY

But only as a subject of conversation, right?

 

GEORGE

Of course.

 

JERRY

Well, Iím sure there are scientists working on this issue. Maybe even putting cameras inside caskets and treating corpses like rab rats. Testing artificial insemination on female bodies, mating attempts with-

 

GEORGE

Okay! Okay!

 

JERRY

(LAUGHS)

And...

 

GEORGE

Okay! I got it!

 

ELAINE COMES IN. SHE IS RADIANT.

 

SHE JOINS THEM.

 

ELAINE

Hi!

 

JERRY

Hey.

 

GEORGE

Hi, Elaine.

 

JERRY

(SMILES)

Hmm...

 

ELAINE

What?

 

JERRY

How is he?

 

ELAINE

Howís who?

 

JERRY

Your new boyfriend.

 

ELAINE

What makes you think I have a new boyfriend?

 

JERRY

I can tell when you have a new boyfriend.

 

ELAINE

Is it because of my radiance?

 

JERRY

No. It has more to do with the fact that youíve dumped the last one, four days ago.

 

ELAINE LAUGHS.

 

JERRY

So tell me, whatís he like?

 

ELAINE

Oh! Heís a director.

 

GEORGE

What kind of director?

 

ELAINE

I donít know. The kind that... directs.

 

JERRY

Whatís his name?

 

ELAINE

Kris Kramski.

 

JERRY

Kris Kramski?

 

GEORGE

What kind of name is that?

 

JERRY

Sounds like a name for a sports company from Eastern Europe.

 

ELAINE

He was born in France. He came to America when he was young.

 

JERRY

Have you seen any of his stuff?

 

ELAINE

Not yet. He invited me for a late night session at his apartment tonight.

 

JERRY

A late night session of what?

 

ELAINE

(SMILES)

Whatever it comes.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS WATCHING TV.

 

THE BUZZER SOUNDS.

 

JERRY GETS UP AND ANSWERS IT.

 

JERRY

Yeah?

 

KATE (OS)

Itís Kate.

 

JERRY

Come on up.

 

JERRY RETURNS TO THE SOFA.

 

KRAMER COMES IN.

 

KRAMER

Hey Jerry, do you have a screwdriver?

 

JERRY

Check out the kitchen drawer.

 

KRAMER GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND CHECKS THE DRAWER IN AN INEVITABLE CLUMSY WAY.

 

JERRY

Careful there.

 

KRAMER PRODUCES A SCREWDRIVER FROM THE DRAWER.

 

KRAMER

Found it!

 

KRAMER WALKS TO THE DOOR.

 

THE DOOR OPENS. KATE ENTERS.

 

KRAMER TWITCHES WHEN HE SEES HER AND LEAVES.

 

JERRY GETS UP AND KISSES KATE.

 

KATE  

What was that all about?

 

JERRY

Donít worry. Youíll get used to it.

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. KRAMSKIíS HOUSE. NIGHT

 

THE LIGHT IS PALE. ELAINE IS SITTING ON SOFA. KRIS IS CHECKING A BOX FILLED VHS TAPES.

 

ELAINE

Are you going to show me your stuff tonight or what?

 

KRIS (FRENCH ACCENT) 

Iíll be ready in a minute! Ah! Hereís my favorite!

 

ELAINE

Is this one yours?

 

KRIS

Not yet. I thought I show you the work of one my favorite artists in the business.

 

ELAINE

Whatís his name?

 

KRIS

Murakawa Tooru. The movie is called ďA PLAY OF WHITE FINGERSĒ.

 

ELAINE

Sounds interesting. Whatís the story?

 

KRIS

Youíll see. I donít want to spoil the surprise.

 

KRIS PUTS THE TAPE IN THE VCR AND SITS NEXT TO ELAINE. HE GRABS THE REMOTE AND PRESSES THE PLAY BUTTON.

 

WE HEAR MOANS FROM THE PICTURE. ITíS A PORNO MOVIE.

 

ELAINE IS SHOCKED. KRIS LOOKS VERY PROUD.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS BEDROOM. NIGHT

 

JERRY AND KATE ARE HAVING SEX. THE CLOCK INDICATES 0.05.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS BEDROOM. NIGHT

 

THE CLOCK NOW INDICATES 2.35.

 

JERRY AND KATE ARE LYING ON THE BED, LOOKING TO THE CEILING. JERRY IS TIRED AND KATE IS CLEARLY UPSET.

 

JERRY

I can take this anymore! Youíre draining my vital energy out of me!

 

KATE

I like to extend my period of pleasure, okay?

 

JERRY

Thatís easy for you to say, but what about me? I canít hold on for two hours! At least, not every day. I need to get some rest.

 

KATE

You know what? You can be very selfish sometimes.

 

JERRY LOOKS AT KATE.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

 

JERRY

Society has imposed us that men are not allowed to refuse sex. When a woman tells ďI donít feel like itĒ, itís because we have a problem. Either bad breath, extreme B. O. or physical disability and we have to accept whatever the reason she says.  

The sad thing is that we have nothing to excuse ourselves with. They got the period and stuff like that, but men donít have nothing. Whenever they want, we have to do it. Love till death do us part.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONKíS. DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.

 

GEORGE IS A BIT DEPRESSED. JERRY IS TIRED.

 

GEORGE

Relax. It happens to everyone. Even me.

 

JERRY

Iím not worried about everyone. Iím worried about me?

 

GEORGE

Who are you to complain? At least, in your case, she reacts. Iím lucky, if she even sighs.

 

KRAMER ENTERS WEARING A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES. HE SITS NEXT TO GEORGE.

 

KRAMER

Hey.

(TO THE WAITRESS)

Can I have some coffee, please?

 

JERRY

Whatís that?

 

KRAMER

Sunglasses.

 

JERRY

That I can see. Why are you wearing them. Weíre in the middle of the Winter. There is no sun out there.

 

KRAMER

You mean Iím not allowed to wear sunglasses when I want?

 

THE WAITRESS BRINGS KRAMERíS COFFEE.

 

KRAMER

Thanks.

 

GEORGE

(LOOKS CAREFULLY AT KRAMERíS FACE)

Whatís that on your face?

 

KRAMER

Where?

 

GEORGE

Right there. Under the glasses.

 

KRAMER

Itís nothing.

 

JERRY

Let me see.

 

KRAMER

Iím telling you itís nothing.

 

JERRY

If itís nothing, then you have no reason why we shouldnít see it.

 

KRAMER

Alright...

 

KRAMER TAKES OFF HIS SUNGLASSES. HIS LEFT EYE IS SWOLLEN.

 

JERRY

What happened?

 

GEORGE

Looks like you were punched.

 

JERRY LOOKS TO GEORGE.

 

KRAMER

I was... er... involuntarily forced to participate in an aggression.

 

JERRY

Howís that?

 

KRAMER

Last night, when I was coming home, I saw this amazing woman. She was like a goddess! Man! Blonde, her body was like a Buddhist temple, covered with a short and tight white dress.

 

GEORGE

Wow!

 

JERRY

So you looked?

 

KRAMER

How could I not? The guy behind her was hypnotized by her rear end too.

 

GEORGE

Then what?

 

KRAMER

Well, then the guy noticed me and walked towards me. He punched me in the eye and said "Thatís for looking at my girlfriend!"

 

JERRY

Thatís unbelievable. Just because you looked?

(TAKES A SIP FROM HIS COFFEE)

So thatís the state of the world today, isnít it? In the last two thousand years, thatís what mankind has accomplished. You canít look to a woman without being punched.

 

GEORGE

If they donít want us to look at their women, maybe they should keep her looked inside the house. Or paint them with invisible ink.

 

JERRY

Thatís what I call a great idea.

 

KRAMER

What about you? Is everything okay?

 

GEORGE

Heís having trouble with his girlfriend.

 

JERRY

Oh! I almost forgot! I wanted to ask you something.

 

KRAMER

About what?

 

JERRY

About what happened at my place the other day when you saw my new girlfriend.

 

KRAMER

I donít know. She looked very familiar. I think Iíve seen her before.

 

JERRY

Where do you know her from?

 

KRAMER

I donít know exactly. Whatís the matter with her?

 

JERRY

Sheís a starved.

 

KRAMER

And youíre afraid you canít deal with it?

 

GEORGE

Iíve already asked him if he wants some help but he refuses.

 

JERRY

I donít help.

 

GEORGE

Weíre your friends. We want to help you.

 

JERRY

Why donít you go help your girlfriend instead?

 

KRAMER

If one of you happens to die from exhaustion, can I have your kidney?

 

GEORGE

Not mine. I wanna be cremated.

 

JERRY

(TO KRAMER)

And if you meet again the guy that did that to your eye, you might just get that same fate. Before he kills you that is.

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. DAY

 

JERRY IS WORKING AT HIS COMPUTER.

 

ELAINE COMES IN AND PUTS HER PURSE ON THE TABLE. SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT AND SITS ON THE COUCH.

 

JERRY GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE COUCH.

 

JERRY

"Hello Jerry, how are you?" "Iím fine, Elaine. What about you?"

 

ELAINE

Donít start. I have a lot on my mind.

 

JERRY

How was it?

 

ELAINE

Iíd rather not talk about it.

 

JERRY SITS ON THE COUCH.

 

JERRY

Did he show you his stuff?

 

ELAINE

He showed me everything. Believe me.

 

JERRY

It must have been quite a night.

 

ELAINE

Youíre telling me.

 

JERRY

What is it?

 

ELAINE

Nothing.

 

JERRY

I can sense something is bothering you. What is it?

 

ELAINE

Well, heís movies are not what you should call... average.

 

JERRY

Is he an independent movies director?

 

ELAINE

Something like that.

(BEAT)

His latest movie is called ďA DAY AT THE BEACHĒ.

 

JERRY

Sounds interesting. Whatís the story?

 

ELAINE

Itís about a woman in a nude beach. And she... er... has sex with everyone there.

 

JERRY

Explicit sex?

 

ELAINE

(NODS)

Very explicit.

 

JERRY

(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)

I see.

 

ELAINE

You look tired.

 

JERRY

Ah! Itís Kate. Sheís never satisfied.

 

ELAINE

Looks like you have a nympho on your hands.

 

JERRY

What about you and Kris? Youíre gonna leave him?

 

ELAINE

I donít know.

(BEAT)

He kinda knows how to do it.

 

JERRY

Iím sure he does.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. GEORGEíS BEDROOM. NIGHT

 

MAGGIE IS LOOKING AT THE CEILING.

 

GEORGE IS UNDER THE SHEETS DOING HIS BEST TO GIVE HER PLEASURE. SO FAR, SO BAD.

 

GEORGE GIVES UP AND SITS ON THE BED.

 

GEORGE

The least you could do was fake it.

 

GEORGE CROSSES HIS ARM AND SCRATCHES HIS NOSE. MAGGIE SEES THIS AND LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.

 

GEORGE

This wasnít a pick!

 

MAGGIE SCRATCHES THE TOP OF HER HEAD WITH THE PEN AND CONTINUES DOING HER CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

EXT. STREET. NIGHT

 

ELAINE AND KRIS ARE HAVING A WALK.

 

KRIS SEES KATE AND WAVES TO HER. KATE APPROACHES THEM.

 

KATE

Hi, Kris!

 

KRIS

Hi, Kate. This is Elaine.

 

KATE

Hi!

 

ELAINE

Nice to meet you.

 

KRIS

Iím gonna start working on my new movie soon. Are you available?

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONKíS. DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH.

 

JERRY

Let me see if I got this clear. You were in bed and... you picked your nose?

 

GEORGE

I did not pick my nose. I scratched it. Itís very different.

 

JERRY

Did you scratch it inside or outside?

 

GEORGE

It was exactly on the border.

 

JERRY

Then it was a pick. What happened next?

 

GEORGE

Well, she... er... finished her crossword puzzle and left.

 

JERRY

I simply canít understand how she can be so apathetic. Itís just not natural.

 

GEORGE

Well, she told me a story that explains that.

 

JERRY

What?

 

GEORGE

She... How can I say this! Er...

(BEAT)

She was raped.

 

JERRY

Oh!

 

GEORGE

By ten men.

 

JERRY

All together?

 

GEORGE

Three at a time.

 

JERRY

And you want to keep up with them?

 

GEORGE

Iím doing a good job, as a matter of fact.

 

JERRY

So I see.

 

GEORGE

So, after she left, I realized something.

 

JERRY

What?

 

GEORGE

I canít help this woman.

 

JERRY

Looks like you finally came to your senses.

 

GEORGE

But I know who can.

 

JERRY

Wait a second! Youíre not thinking what I think youíre thinking, are you? Because, if thatís youíre thinking-

 

GEORGE

Thatís exactly what Iím thinking. Iím gonna introduce Maggie to Kris.

 

JERRY

Are you actually willing to turn your girlfriend into a porno star?

 

GEORGE

Look, I know that sexual satisfaction is a very important issue in a womanís life.

 

JERRY

You should know that by now. Thatís why they always leave you.

 

GEORGE

So I thought to myself, itís my obligation, my duty, to make sure she gets that satisfaction. Besides, if she really becomes a star, I can be her manager.

 

JERRY

But you donít know how to manage anything! You canít even manage your own life!

 

GEORGE

This is way too easier than my life.

 

JERRY

You know, being a porno star itís not the best way to help a raped woman.

 

GEORGE FINISHES HIS MEAL AND GETS UP.

 

GEORGE

Okay. Time to get back to work. Iíll see you later.

 

JERRY

Yeah, okay.

 

GEORGE LEAVES.

 

AFTER A WHILE, ELAINE ENTERS THE SHOP AND SITS NEXT TO JERRY.

 

ELAINE

I just met someone yesterday.

 

JERRY

Who?

 

ELAINE

One of Kris favorite actresses.

 

JERRY

Whatís her name?

 

ELAINE

I canít remember. But, thatís not everything.

 

JERRY

What else?

 

ELAINE

He invited me too. Maybe my performance the other night drew his attention.

 

JERRY

You seem very excited. Youíre gonna accept it?

 

ELAINE

I donít know.

 

JERRY

Are you actually considering the chance of making a porno movie?

 

ELAINE

Of course not! I mean, itís a lot of money and so but-

 

JERRY

You would do it only for the money?

 

ELAINE

No!

 

JERRY

You have sex too. Lots of it.

 

ELAINE

Thatís one of the reasons I wonít do it. Iím afraid Iíll get tired of sex. Do you they wear doubles on those movies?

 

JERRY

I donít know. Some men might.

 

ELAINE

Well, I suppose I could get a double.

 

JERRY

Well, if you accept it, be careful with what you ask him. You donít want him to confuse a double with two partners.

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. MAGGIEíS APARTMENT. NIGHT

 

GEORGE AND MAGGIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE HAVING, WHAT APPEARS TO BE, A SERIOUS CONVERSATION.

 

GEORGE

So, the bottom part of this issue is that you and I have a problem. I mean, you have a problem and, no matter how I try, I canít seem to solve that problem. But I know you can.

 

MAGGIE

What are talking about, George?

 

GEORGE

I have a friend who knows a guy that works in the porno industry and she tells me that-

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. LOBBY. NIGHT

 

GEORGE IS KICKED OUT.

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. NIGHT

 

JERRY AND KATE ARE MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH.

 

KATE STOPS AND LOOKS AT HER WATCH.

 

KATE

Oh! Iím gonna be late!

 

JERRY

Where you going?

 

KATE

I have an audition at nine p. m.

 

JERRY

For what?

 

KATE

For a movie.

 

KATE KISSES JERRY GOODNIGHT AND LEAVES.

 

JUST WHEN SHEíS ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR, ELAINE COMES IN.

 

ELAINE

Hi!

 

KATE

Hi, Elaine!

 

KATE LEAVES.

 

ELAINE WALKS TO THE COUCH AND SITS NEXT TO JERRY. SHE SMILES.

 

ELAINE

Well, well! What a surprise, isnít it?

 

JERRY DOESNíT ANSWER. HIS MIND IS NOW WORKING AT A SPEED OVER THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

 

JERRY

Do you know Kate?

 

ELAINE

Sheís the actress I was telling you about.

 

JERRY

I canít believe it! All this Iíve been dating a porno star?

 

ELAINE

No wonder sheís a nympho.

 

KRAMER COMES IN. HE SEEMS CONCERNED.

 

KRAMER

Hey buddy, I have news about your girlfriend.

 

JERRY

Itís too late. I already know.

 

KRAMER

Yeah... Alright.

 

JERRY

Whatís the matter?

 

KRAMER

Iíll tell you later. Right now, I have a lot on my mind.

 

JERRY

Okay.

 

KRAMER LEAVES.

 

ELAINE

Díyou have any idea what he was talking?

 

JERRY

I donít know.

 

ELAINE

He seemed disturbed.

 

JERRY

I donít pay attention to that anymore.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONKíS. DAY

 

JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.

 

JERRY

So... you heard about the latest?

 

GEORGE

No.

 

KRAMER

What?

 

JERRY

Elaineís boyfriend wants to make a movie with her.

 

KRAMER

What kind of movie?

 

JERRY

A season movie.

 

GEORGE

Mating season?

 

JERRY

Thatís right.

 

KRAMER

Sheís gonna do it?

 

JERRY

No. She left him. He went back to France and took Kate with him.

 

GEORGE

Yeah, I know. He took Maggie too.

 

JERRY

I thought she was offended your proposal.

 

GEORGE

He gave her a better cachet.

 

JERRY

You mean, he gave her a cachet.

 

GEORGE

I donít know how they can do that kind of movies without getting sick of it.

 

JERRY

Theyíre very well paid.

 

GEORGE

Women are paid. Menís sexual functions donít require money to achieve their best level.

 

JERRY

From what I heard, men make less money than women on this business.

 

GEORGE

You think these men are hookers?

 

JERRY

There is no such thing as man-hooker. Itís called a gigolo.

 

GEORGE

Gigoloís donít have sex. They go out and thatís it.

 

KRAMER

Well, Iíve been doing some thinking lately and I would like to share this with you.

 

JERRY

What is it?

 

KRAMER

(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)

My father was a gigolo.

 

JERRY

Really? How come you never told me?

 

KRAMER

Itís not an easy thing to say.

 

JERRY

You could have said something.

 

KRAMER

I couldnít. You see, I was an accident.

 

JERRY

I can see that.

 

KRAMER

It was because of his job that my mother got pregnant. She was one of his most favorite customers. At first, they werenít very pleased about having a son, but then they managed to accept it.

 

GEORGE

She could have done an abortion or something.

 

KRAMER

No. My father would never allow that. He wanted to be proud of his son.

 

JERRY

And then you came along. Life can be very unfair sometimes.

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

 

JERRY

Some directors are just too perfectionists. I wonder if there are any porno directors like that. Yíknow, the actor is doing his job and then, suddenly, something comes out. We see the director getting up, throwing his baseball cap on the ground.

"No! No! Cut! Itís only after she says sheís almost there! Not before! After! Whatta hell do ya think youíre doing?"

"Iím sorry. I got excited!"

"Thatís your problem, pal. Okay people! Letís do this again! And this time, try to hold on, okay?"

 

 

 

THE END

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