THE ROOM-MATE

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

Joel G. Gomes

April 2002

Int. Comedy club. Night

Jerry is ON STAGE.

Jerry

Starting over. That’s what you do when you’re away for a while - you come back and you start again. You return to your old community and you try to get your old job back. That’s what you do. Now, maybe I’m wrong about this but, I don’t think that getting your old job back is such a great idea once you realize that it was your old job that got you in jail. And, if your old job was something violent, like a killer, I don’t think your community will be too pleased to see you.

CUT TO:

Int. Jerry’s building. Day

Jerry is knocking at his door. George is standing right next to him. George has a slight cold.

Jerry

Open up, Newman! I know you’re there!

Newman (o. S.)

(with a different voice)

Sorry. No one lives here with that name.

Jerry stops knocking.

George

Maybe you should try to go through the window.

Jerry

Yeah. Like a cliffhanger, right?

George

Just trying to help.

Jerry

Thank you. That was a really super idea.

George

Okay. You made your point.

(pauses)

Wait a second! That’s it!

Jerry

What’s what?

George

The super! The supper-intendent. He has to have a spare set of keys. They always do. All you have to do is tell him that you’re back and you need the keys to throw Newman out.

Jerry

You’re right!

Jerry and George walk away through the corridor.

Jerry

Y’know, I think the supper didn’t have a spare set of keys to Newman’s old apartment.

George

Why would he want to go there, anyway?

Jerry

Well, I’m thinking, that’s his apartment now.

George

(sneezes)

So?

Jerry

Nothing. You should do something about that cold. It’s becoming almost as annoying as you.

CUT TO:

Int. J. Peterman’s office. Day

J. Peterman is sitting at his desk. Elaine is standing before him.

Elaine

So, what I’m trying to say here Mr. Peterman is that... er... Well, I had some time to think about my life; a lot of time, actually and

(laughs)

You see, I’m starting over and all that time when I was away I couldn’t stop thinking about all the fun I had here and...

Peterman

What are you trying to say, Elaine?

Elaine (v. O.)

Right. Here goes.

Elaine

I would like to work here again.

Peterman

Really?

Elaine

Yes. Nothing would please me more than that.

Elaine (v. O.)

God! Did I just say that?

Peterman

Well, I believe I can please in that way.

Elaine

Oh, thank you, Mr. Peterman! Thank you! Thank you!

Peterman

But first, I want you to do me a favor.

Elaine

Oh! Anything, Mr. Peterman. Just name it.

Peterman

(thinks)

Elaine, do you have any idea how amazingly the traditional dance from the island of Kilinmini acts like an aphrodisiac in me?

Elaine is confused.

PETERMAN

Elaine, I want you to dance for me.

ELAINE (V. O.)

You want what?!

ELAINE

Er... Mr. Peterman, I'm not sure if that's...

PETERMAN

Nonsense, Elaine! You're a pretty young woman! How bad can you dance?

Elaine grins.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAY

Jerry and George are walking through the corridor back to Jerry's apartment door.

JERRY

What about your new girlfriend? I figure she must be pretty interesting. I mean, after a year without doing, y'know.

GEORGE

Ah... She's okay.

JERRY

And that means?

GEORGE

She's a "layer".

JERRY

Don't you mean a lawyer?

GEORGE

No.

They stop before Jerry's old apartment door.

JERRY

And?

Jerry searches for something in his pockets.

GEORGE

She's very superficial.

JERRY

Oh! Now I see where the conflict is. You're the one supposed to be superficial.

GEORGE

That's exactly what I think. She has got some nerve stealing my superficiality.

JERRY

Have you told her how you feel?

GEORGE

No. I'm thinking of telling her tonight. I'm taking her out to dinner.

Jerry manages to find his keys and holds the set, admiring it.

JERRY

Y'know, I can't believe how easily he gave us these keys.

GEORGE

Who knows? Maybe he likes you.

JERRY

Or maybe he doesn't like Newman.

GEORGE

Yeah. He seemed to be very excited when you told him that you were gonna throw Newman out.

Jerry puts the key in the locker and opens the door.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

They enter the apartment.

The place is very much the same, except for a slight detail that destroys the magic of the moment - the sight of Newman sleeping on Jerry's couch, wearing nothing but his underwear. A sight so horrible for mere human eyes to watch.

They're shocked to say the least.

Jerry tries to walk away in disgust but George stops him.

JERRY

George, let me go.

GEORGE

Jerry, no. You already went through that door. You know exactly what's out there.

(puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder)

Don't worry. I'm here.

Jerry breathes deeply and walks to the couch. He bends over and says.

JERRY

Hello... Newman.

NEWMAN

(smiling)

Hello... Jerry. Jerry?

(wakes up)

Jerry! Oh my God!

Newman mumbles something as Jerry finds himself more confident.

JERRY

Shut up, fat ass! It's payback time!

GEORGE

(checks his watch)

Well, I'd love to stay here and help you but I have to go now.

George starts to walking towards the door.

JERRY

(grabs Newman by the nose)

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, then.

GEORGE

What about that... thing, we talked about?

JERRY

I'll think about it.

GEORGE

Okay. Good luck, Newman.

George exits to the hall.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAY

George walks down the corridor.

After a while, comes a terrifying scream from Jerry's apartment.

GEORGE (V. O.)

Poor bastard.

CUT TO:

INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY

Peterman is sitting on his chair, his face pale from fear.

Elaine is trying very hard to comfort him.

PETERMAN

The horror...

ELAINE

I'm so sorry, Mr. Peterman. I had no idea this would happen.

PETERMAN

Oh! The horror...

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT

George is having dinner with Wilma. George's cold is more evident now as he speaks with a little nose-voice.

WILMA

... and then she says "You're lucky to have a boyfriend like that".

George laughs. One of his stupid laughs.

GEORGE (V. O.)

What was that laugh? Do you want her to think that you're an idiot? Quick! Change the subject!

GEORGE

So...! Are you enjoying your meal?

WILMA

Yeah, it's good but, anyway...

Wilma's speech goes to the background.

We focus on a very uncomfortable George.

GEORGE (V. O.)

What's this on my tongue? It's slimy... Could it be? Oh no! Damn cold! What am I gonna do now? Okay. Calm down. All I have to do is nod and everything will be just fine. Think positive. I can do this. I can do this. Just don't swallow.

WILMA

... last night. George? George

George wakes up from his little dream.

WILMA

What's wrong?

George SHRUGS.

WILMA

Aren't you hungry?

George shakes his head.

WILMA

Are you tired?

George shakes his head.

WILMA

Well, I know that something is bothering you. What is it?

George doesn't answer. He seems very keen to keep his mouth shut.

WILMA

(moves closer to him)

Aren't you enjoying my company?

George nods.

WILMA

Then... how about a kiss?

GEORGE (V. O.)

Now?

George turns his head.

WILMA

First time?

George grins and shakes his head. Wilma has an "I'm almost giving up on you" look on her face.

GEORGE (V. O.)

Do something you idiot! Do you want her to think that you're gay? Is that what you want?

(beat)

I got it!

George points to his throat.

WILMA

Oh! You have a cold too, huh?

George NODS.

WILMA

I tell you something, that can be very annoying.

George's P.O.V.: Wilma grabs her napkin and spits into it. She puts the napkin on the table and proceeds like nothing happened.

George is shocked.

GEORGE (V. O.)

Did I just saw that? She spat on her napkin! What's stopping me from doing the same thing? Women are supposed to be much more ethical than men. If she's like this, I can extend my behavioral guidelines. Come on, you idiot! Spit! Spit! Let her know that you're a man! Spit on your napkin! No! Better yet! Spit on the floor! That will knock her out for sure!

George spits on the floor.

WILMA

That's gross!

(gets up)

I have to get going.

GEORGE

But I thought...

WILMA

I'll call you.

GEORGE

But you don't have my number.

WILMA

I said I'll call you.

Wilma leaves.

George is looking at his food when a waitress puts a rag on the table.

WAITRESS

You made the mess. You clean it up.

George looks to the waitress as she walks away.

When he sees A STRONGER WAITER approaching, George grabs the rag and bends over.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. DAY

Jerry, George and Elaine are sitting on their usual table.

ELAINE

So you spat?

GEORGE

Was that wrong?

ELAINE

Of course it was wrong!

JERRY

You can't just act like a man in front of a woman and expect nothing to happen.

GEORGE

I thought that's the kind of situation you should always act like a man.

ELAINE

But not like this.

GEORGE

She did the same thing!

ELAINE

Women are allowed to enter men's world.

GEORGE

And we're not?

ELAINE

You're already part of it. We simply prefer if you stay at one corner.

JERRY

Since when do you act so manly?

GEORGE

Whose side are you anyway?

JERRY

I thought you said she was superficial.

GEORGE

Only the first couple of layers... So, what's the deal, did you thought about it?

ELAINE

About what?

JERRY

George wants to be my room-mate.

ELAINE

Your room-mate? But you don't have another room!

GEORGE

He can sleep on the couch. That's not the problem. Please, Jerry.

JERRY

Alright... I know I'm gonna regret this but whata heck!

GEORGE

Thanks. It's only temporary. Once I get a job, I'll be out in no time.

JERRY

That might take a while.

Kramer comes in and sits next to Elaine.

JERRY

Hey, K-Man.