THE ROOM-MATE

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

Joel G. Gomes

April 2002

Int. Comedy club. Night

Jerry is ON STAGE.

Jerry

Starting over. That’s what you do when you’re away for a while - you come back and you start again. You return to your old community and you try to get your old job back. That’s what you do. Now, maybe I’m wrong about this but, I don’t think that getting your old job back is such a great idea once you realize that it was your old job that got you in jail. And, if your old job was something violent, like a killer, I don’t think your community will be too pleased to see you.

CUT TO:

Int. Jerry’s building. Day

Jerry is knocking at his door. George is standing right next to him. George has a slight cold.

Jerry

Open up, Newman! I know you’re there!

Newman (o. S.)

(with a different voice)

Sorry. No one lives here with that name.

Jerry stops knocking.

George

Maybe you should try to go through the window.

Jerry

Yeah. Like a cliffhanger, right?

George

Just trying to help.

Jerry

Thank you. That was a really super idea.

George

Okay. You made your point.

(pauses)

Wait a second! That’s it!

Jerry

What’s what?

George

The super! The supper-intendent. He has to have a spare set of keys. They always do. All you have to do is tell him that you’re back and you need the keys to throw Newman out.

Jerry

You’re right!

Jerry and George walk away through the corridor.

Jerry

Y’know, I think the supper didn’t have a spare set of keys to Newman’s old apartment.

George

Why would he want to go there, anyway?

Jerry

Well, I’m thinking, that’s his apartment now.

George

(sneezes)

So?

Jerry

Nothing. You should do something about that cold. It’s becoming almost as annoying as you.

CUT TO:

Int. J. Peterman’s office. Day

J. Peterman is sitting at his desk. Elaine is standing before him.

Elaine

So, what I’m trying to say here Mr. Peterman is that... er... Well, I had some time to think about my life; a lot of time, actually and

(laughs)

You see, I’m starting over and all that time when I was away I couldn’t stop thinking about all the fun I had here and...

Peterman

What are you trying to say, Elaine?

Elaine (v. O.)

Right. Here goes.

Elaine

I would like to work here again.

Peterman

Really?

Elaine

Yes. Nothing would please me more than that.

Elaine (v. O.)

God! Did I just say that?

Peterman

Well, I believe I can please in that way.

Elaine

Oh, thank you, Mr. Peterman! Thank you! Thank you!

Peterman

But first, I want you to do me a favor.

Elaine

Oh! Anything, Mr. Peterman. Just name it.

Peterman

(thinks)

Elaine, do you have any idea how amazingly the traditional dance from the island of Kilinmini acts like an aphrodisiac in me?

Elaine is confused.

PETERMAN

Elaine, I want you to dance for me.

ELAINE (V. O.)

You want what?!

ELAINE

Er... Mr. Peterman, I'm not sure if that's...

PETERMAN

Nonsense, Elaine! You're a pretty young woman! How bad can you dance?

Elaine grins.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAY

Jerry and George are walking through the corridor back to Jerry's apartment door.

JERRY

What about your new girlfriend? I figure she must be pretty interesting. I mean, after a year without doing, y'know.

GEORGE

Ah... She's okay.

JERRY

And that means?

GEORGE

She's a "layer".

JERRY

Don't you mean a lawyer?

GEORGE

No.

They stop before Jerry's old apartment door.

JERRY

And?

Jerry searches for something in his pockets.

GEORGE

She's very superficial.

JERRY

Oh! Now I see where the conflict is. You're the one supposed to be superficial.

GEORGE

That's exactly what I think. She has got some nerve stealing my superficiality.

JERRY

Have you told her how you feel?

GEORGE

No. I'm thinking of telling her tonight. I'm taking her out to dinner.

Jerry manages to find his keys and holds the set, admiring it.

JERRY

Y'know, I can't believe how easily he gave us these keys.

GEORGE

Who knows? Maybe he likes you.

JERRY

Or maybe he doesn't like Newman.

GEORGE

Yeah. He seemed to be very excited when you told him that you were gonna throw Newman out.

Jerry puts the key in the locker and opens the door.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

They enter the apartment.

The place is very much the same, except for a slight detail that destroys the magic of the moment - the sight of Newman sleeping on Jerry's couch, wearing nothing but his underwear. A sight so horrible for mere human eyes to watch.

They're shocked to say the least.

Jerry tries to walk away in disgust but George stops him.

JERRY

George, let me go.

GEORGE

Jerry, no. You already went through that door. You know exactly what's out there.

(puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder)

Don't worry. I'm here.

Jerry breathes deeply and walks to the couch. He bends over and says.

JERRY

Hello... Newman.

NEWMAN

(smiling)

Hello... Jerry. Jerry?

(wakes up)

Jerry! Oh my God!

Newman mumbles something as Jerry finds himself more confident.

JERRY

Shut up, fat ass! It's payback time!

GEORGE

(checks his watch)

Well, I'd love to stay here and help you but I have to go now.

George starts to walking towards the door.

JERRY

(grabs Newman by the nose)

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, then.

GEORGE

What about that... thing, we talked about?

JERRY

I'll think about it.

GEORGE

Okay. Good luck, Newman.

George exits to the hall.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAY

George walks down the corridor.

After a while, comes a terrifying scream from Jerry's apartment.

GEORGE (V. O.)

Poor bastard.

CUT TO:

INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY

Peterman is sitting on his chair, his face pale from fear.

Elaine is trying very hard to comfort him.

PETERMAN

The horror...

ELAINE

I'm so sorry, Mr. Peterman. I had no idea this would happen.

PETERMAN

Oh! The horror...

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT

George is having dinner with Wilma. George's cold is more evident now as he speaks with a little nose-voice.

WILMA

... and then she says "You're lucky to have a boyfriend like that".

George laughs. One of his stupid laughs.

GEORGE (V. O.)

What was that laugh? Do you want her to think that you're an idiot? Quick! Change the subject!

GEORGE

So...! Are you enjoying your meal?

WILMA

Yeah, it's good but, anyway...

Wilma's speech goes to the background.

We focus on a very uncomfortable George.

GEORGE (V. O.)

What's this on my tongue? It's slimy... Could it be? Oh no! Damn cold! What am I gonna do now? Okay. Calm down. All I have to do is nod and everything will be just fine. Think positive. I can do this. I can do this. Just don't swallow.

WILMA

... last night. George? George

George wakes up from his little dream.

WILMA

What's wrong?

George SHRUGS.

WILMA

Aren't you hungry?

George shakes his head.

WILMA

Are you tired?

George shakes his head.

WILMA

Well, I know that something is bothering you. What is it?

George doesn't answer. He seems very keen to keep his mouth shut.

WILMA

(moves closer to him)

Aren't you enjoying my company?

George nods.

WILMA

Then... how about a kiss?

GEORGE (V. O.)

Now?

George turns his head.

WILMA

First time?

George grins and shakes his head. Wilma has an "I'm almost giving up on you" look on her face.

GEORGE (V. O.)

Do something you idiot! Do you want her to think that you're gay? Is that what you want?

(beat)

I got it!

George points to his throat.

WILMA

Oh! You have a cold too, huh?

George NODS.

WILMA

I tell you something, that can be very annoying.

George's P.O.V.: Wilma grabs her napkin and spits into it. She puts the napkin on the table and proceeds like nothing happened.

George is shocked.

GEORGE (V. O.)

Did I just saw that? She spat on her napkin! What's stopping me from doing the same thing? Women are supposed to be much more ethical than men. If she's like this, I can extend my behavioral guidelines. Come on, you idiot! Spit! Spit! Let her know that you're a man! Spit on your napkin! No! Better yet! Spit on the floor! That will knock her out for sure!

George spits on the floor.

WILMA

That's gross!

(gets up)

I have to get going.

GEORGE

But I thought...

WILMA

I'll call you.

GEORGE

But you don't have my number.

WILMA

I said I'll call you.

Wilma leaves.

George is looking at his food when a waitress puts a rag on the table.

WAITRESS

You made the mess. You clean it up.

George looks to the waitress as she walks away.

When he sees A STRONGER WAITER approaching, George grabs the rag and bends over.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. DAY

Jerry, George and Elaine are sitting on their usual table.

ELAINE

So you spat?

GEORGE

Was that wrong?

ELAINE

Of course it was wrong!

JERRY

You can't just act like a man in front of a woman and expect nothing to happen.

GEORGE

I thought that's the kind of situation you should always act like a man.

ELAINE

But not like this.

GEORGE

She did the same thing!

ELAINE

Women are allowed to enter men's world.

GEORGE

And we're not?

ELAINE

You're already part of it. We simply prefer if you stay at one corner.

JERRY

Since when do you act so manly?

GEORGE

Whose side are you anyway?

JERRY

I thought you said she was superficial.

GEORGE

Only the first couple of layers... So, what's the deal, did you thought about it?

ELAINE

About what?

JERRY

George wants to be my room-mate.

ELAINE

Your room-mate? But you don't have another room!

GEORGE

He can sleep on the couch. That's not the problem. Please, Jerry.

JERRY

Alright... I know I'm gonna regret this but whata heck!

GEORGE

Thanks. It's only temporary. Once I get a job, I'll be out in no time.

JERRY

That might take a while.

Kramer comes in and sits next to Elaine.

JERRY

Hey, K-Man.

ELAINE

Hi.

KRAMER

Hya there.

GEORGE

Hey.

Elaine checks her watch.

ELAINE

Oh! Look at the time!

(gets up)

I have to go now!

(to Kramer)

Get up.

KRAMER

But I've just sit!

ELAINE

Come on!

JERRY

Where are you going?

ELAINE

I'm gonna a see a friend of Mr. Peterman. She's gonna teach me how to dance.

JERRY

That might take a while too.

GEORGE

Why are you doing this?

ELAINE

(sits back)

Mr. Peterman asked me if I could dance for him.

JERRY

Don't tell me...?

GEORGE

What happened?

ELAINE

He flipped out. Now he wants me to have a few lessons with a dancing instructor.

GEORGE

Why the hell did he ask you to dance for him? He already saw you dancing before.

ELAINE

Well, apparently he forgot it.

JERRY

It must've been such a terrible sight that his mind blocked out that memory completely. Something far more worse than sexual abuse.

ELAINE

I appreciate your effort, thank you.

KRAMER

When do you start?

ELAINE

Today, at 6 p.m. I don't know if I can handle this. People say she's very much like Mr. Peterman.

KRAMER

I can give you a few lessons myself, if you're interested.

ELAINE

You know how to dance?

KRAMER

Well... yeah. I mean, what's there to know?

JERRY

In her case, there is a lot to know.

ELAINE

Be quiet!

(to Kramer)

Okay, you got me into it. I'll call her and tell her that I'm gonna take my dancing lessons with someone else.

GEORGE

Don't you think she might find that a little harsh?

ELAINE

Why would she think that?

JERRY

She might take that as an offense to her skills.

ELAINE

Yeah, I guess you're right... So, what do I do?

GEORGE

How about taking both classes?

ELAINE

You mean, with Mr. Peterman's friend and Kramer?

GEORGE

That way, you would kill two rabbits with the same axe.

ELAINE

Whatever...

JERRY

(to George)

What kind of expression is that?

GEORGE

It's prison talking.

JERRY

Do you know what rabbit tastes like?

GEORGE

Rabbit, I guess.

KRAMER

(to Elaine)

Are you in or out?

ELAINE

I’m in.

KRAMER

Good!

(stands and grabs Elaine by the wrist)

Let's go!

Elaine almost falls over the table.

ELAINE

Wait!

KRAMER

There's no time! You need to get to work!

And off they go.

JERRY

Do you think Kramer can teach Elaine how to dance?

GEORGE

Honestly?

Jerry nods.

GEORGE

No.

CUT TO:

INT.  ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY

Kramer is sitting on the couch. Elaine is standing before him. He speaks very eloquently, almost like a master of his art. She is focused on his speech.

KRAMER

So you see, Elaine, music isn't just sound, it's more than that. It's image, it's movement. When you dance, you don't just deliver your body to the rhythm, your deliver your body to the emotion it transmits. That's the key: emotion. You must let your emotions be your guide. Do you understand?

ELAINE NODS.

KRAMER

Good. Let’s get started.

Kramer gets up and puts a tape on the stereo. One of his tribal musics comes out.

KRAMER

Now, free your mind and show me what you’re capable of.

Elaine delivers herself to the music.

I'll do my best to describe it. Try to imagine her old dance with the little kicks and all, a hundred times worse and you're getting the gist of it.

After what seems to be an eternity, Elaine stops dancing.

Kramer is static, his eyes blinded with fear.

ELAINE

So, how did I go?

KRAMER

(breathes deeply)

Better than what I was expecting. You got something there.

ELAINE

You really think so?

KRAMER

Oh yeah! Definetely! I have no words to describe what I’ve just seen.

ELAINE

Gee!

(GIGGLES)

Thanks!

KRAMER

There's nothing more I can teach you.

ELAINE

(checks her watch)

I better get going. I don't wanna be late to Mr. Peterman's friend's class.

KRAMER

You do that.

Elaine walks to the door.

KRAMER

Can I stay here just for a while? I need some rest.

ELAINE

Okay. Just don't forget to lock the door on your way out.

KRAMER

Don't worry.

Elaine exits the apartment.

Kramer lies on the couch and screams.

CUT TO:

INT. ELAINE'S BUILDING. DAY

Elaine hears a terrifying scream. She stops, looks back, SHRUGS and keeps on walking.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET. ELAINE'S BUILDING. DAY

We hear Kramer's scream.

CUT TO:

INT.  JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

Jerry and George are watching TV. Kramer comes in.

JERRY

How bad did it go?

KRAMER

It was a disaster! Jerry, it's no use! Elaine can't dance!

GEORGE

What else is new?

KRAMER

No, I'm saying that dancing should be an activity forbidden to her. It should be kept away from her knowledge.

JERRY

That bad uh?

KRAMER

She's worse than before! It's out of my skills to teach her.

GEORGE

It's out of your skills to teach anyone.

Jerry and George get up simultaneously and walk to the kitchen.

Jerry opens the refrigerator. George takes a bottle of water. George proceeds to fill a glass with water and they share it with two straws.

Kramer watches this bizarre behavior.

JERRY AND GEORGE

What is it?

KRAMER

(startles)

Nothing.

JERRY AND GEORGE

You wanna have dinner with us?

KRAMER

I can't. I already made plans.

JERRY

Fine. If...

GEORGE

... that's what you want.

KRAMER

Bye now.

Kramer exits.

Jerry and George walk to the couch and sit. Their movements fully synchronized.

CUT TO:

INT. DANCE-STUDIO. DAY

Mr. Peterman's friend, Marcy, is an old lady. She's wearing a dancing outfit.

Elaine enters the studio. She is wearing a dance outfit (I don't know what it's called).

ELAINE

Hi. Mr. Peterman asked me if I could...

MARCY

Ah! I was expecting you.

ELAINE

When do we start?

MARCY

(claps her hands)

As soon as you're ready.

ELAINE

How about now?

MARCY

(claps again)

As you wish. Now, pay attention. I will not say this again. You came here to learn how to dance so, I have no other option but to keep you here until you're ready to step on stage!

ELAINE

Do you think we'll be done by dinner time?

MARCY

Let's get to work, shall we?

CUT TO:

INT.  MONK'S. DAY

Jerry and George are on their usual table side by side.

Elaine comes in and joins them.

ELAINE

Hi!

JERRY

You're coming...

GEORGE

... from the dancing class?

ELAINE

What's that?

GEORGE

What's...

JERRY

... what?

ELAINE

Never mind... And as answer to your Siamese question - yes, I did.

JERRY AND GEORGE

How was it?

ELAINE

Good. I've been going there for a week, but she had never asked me to dance until today.

JERRY AND GEORGE

Some people don't know when to keep their mouth shut.

ELAINE

I heard that. So, I was hoping for a compliment but, she had laryngitis so she wasn't able to speak that much. But, get this, she managed to tell that I don't need to go there again. How about that? That's the second time in less than two weeks that someone tells me this.

JERRY AND GEORGE

You're becoming an artist.

ELAINE

Stop that! You're freaking me out with that!

JERRY AND GEORGE

With what?

ELAINE

Listen to yourselves! You're-talking-at-the-same-time! It's distressing! And when you're not talking at the same time, you're finishing each other's sentences!

JERRY AND GEORGE

You mean, like this?

ELAINE

Exactly!

JERRY AND GEORGE

My God! You're right! I must be becoming him.

ELAINE

Who's becoming who?

JERRY AND GEORGE

He's becoming me!

ELAINE

I think there's only one way to handle this. You have to put him out a.s.a.p.

JERRY AND GEORGE

Who?

ELAINE

You. Him.

JERRY AND GEORGE

But what about me?

ELAINE

I don't know.

JERRY AND GEORGE

Stop that! Be quiet, you idiot!

ELAINE

I can't take this anymore!

Elaine gets up and leaves.

JERRY AND GEORGE

Enough of this. Okay... Very funny.

They begin to strangle each other.

JERRY AND GEORGE

Shut up! Shut up!

CUT TO:

INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY

Elaine is dancing.

Mr. Peterman watches her with a sad look on his face.

Elaine's dancing has improved. It has become a "tribal kicks" kind of dance with a hint from "The Nutcracker".

Mr. Peterman is IN THE VERGE OF TEARS when Elaine stops dancing.

PETERMAN

Elaine, that was... very beautiful.

Elaine smiles.

ELAINE

Thank you. I was afraid you might not like it.

PETERMAN

Oh... I loved it. Especially the end.

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

Jerry is making his act.

JERRY

To me, art is one of the best things that men ever came up with. It's even more interesting when you compare different types of art with each other, like a movie and a painting. The main difference between them is that the movie is made by a team, whilst the painting is a one man's work. They believe that a team can handle easier with any problems that might come up, in order to make the main message more clear to the general public.

Now, imagine what would it be like, if they began to use this kind of simplification process in painting. Paintings are now a team's work too. It would be easier for those foreigner art lovers, that don't know a thing about art, to learn how to distinguish Picasso from Kandinsky.

"To your left, he have one of our most interesting pictures. Do you see this eye? Shaped like a cube? That's a Picasso. And this glass of water with legs? It's Dali. Now, watch this bright sun, right here on the top corner. It was made an anonymous impressionist painter. This means that the artists were thirsty."

The end