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THE
ROOM-MATE
A
Seinfeld fan fiction script
by
Joel G. Gomes
April
2002
Int. Comedy club. Night
Jerry is ON STAGE.
Jerry
Starting over. That’s what you do when you’re away for a while -
you come back and you start again. You return to your old community and you try
to get your old job back. That’s what you do. Now, maybe I’m wrong about this
but, I don’t think that getting your old job back is such a great idea once you
realize that it was your old job that got you in jail. And, if your old job was
something violent, like a killer, I don’t think your community will be too
pleased to see you.
CUT TO:
Int. Jerry’s building. Day
Jerry is knocking at his door. George is standing
right next to him. George has a slight cold.
Jerry
Open up, Newman! I know you’re there!
Newman (o. S.)
(with a different voice)
Sorry. No one lives here with that name.
Jerry stops knocking.
George
Maybe you should try to go through the window.
Jerry
Yeah. Like a cliffhanger, right?
George
Just trying to help.
Jerry
Thank you. That was a really super idea.
George
Okay. You made your point.
(pauses)
Wait a second! That’s it!
Jerry
What’s what?
George
The super! The supper-intendent. He has to have a spare set of
keys. They always do. All you have to do is tell him that you’re back and you
need the keys to throw Newman out.
Jerry
You’re right!
Jerry and George walk away through the
corridor.
Jerry
Y’know, I think the supper didn’t have a spare set of keys to
Newman’s old apartment.
George
Why would he want to go there, anyway?
Jerry
Well, I’m thinking, that’s his apartment now.
George
(sneezes)
So?
Jerry
Nothing. You should do something about that cold. It’s becoming
almost as annoying as you.
CUT TO:
Int. J. Peterman’s office. Day
J. Peterman is sitting at his desk.
Elaine is standing before him.
Elaine
So, what I’m trying to say here Mr. Peterman is that... er...
Well, I had some time to think about my life; a lot of time, actually and
(laughs)
You see, I’m starting over and all that time when I was away I
couldn’t stop thinking about all the fun I had here and...
Peterman
What are you trying to say, Elaine?
Elaine (v. O.)
Right. Here goes.
Elaine
I would like to work here again.
Peterman
Really?
Elaine
Yes. Nothing would please me more than that.
Elaine (v. O.)
God! Did I just say that?
Peterman
Well, I believe I can please in that way.
Elaine
Oh, thank you, Mr. Peterman! Thank you! Thank you!
Peterman
But first, I want you to do me a favor.
Elaine
Oh! Anything, Mr. Peterman. Just name it.
Peterman
(thinks)
Elaine, do you have any idea how amazingly the traditional dance
from the island of Kilinmini acts like an aphrodisiac in me?
Elaine is confused.
PETERMAN
Elaine, I want you to dance for me.
ELAINE (V. O.)
You want what?!
ELAINE
Er... Mr. Peterman, I'm not sure if that's...
PETERMAN
Nonsense, Elaine! You're
a pretty young woman! How bad can you dance?
Elaine grins.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAY
Jerry and George are walking through the
corridor back to Jerry's apartment door.
JERRY
What about your new girlfriend? I figure she must be pretty
interesting. I mean, after a year without doing, y'know.
GEORGE
Ah... She's okay.
JERRY
And that means?
GEORGE
She's a "layer".
JERRY
Don't you mean a lawyer?
GEORGE
No.
They stop before Jerry's old apartment
door.
JERRY
And?
Jerry searches for something in his
pockets.
GEORGE
She's very superficial.
JERRY
Oh! Now I see where the conflict is. You're the one supposed to be
superficial.
GEORGE
That's exactly what I think. She has got some nerve stealing my
superficiality.
JERRY
Have you told her how you feel?
GEORGE
No. I'm thinking of telling her tonight. I'm taking her out to
dinner.
Jerry manages to find his keys and holds
the set, admiring it.
JERRY
Y'know, I can't believe how easily he gave us these keys.
GEORGE
Who knows? Maybe he likes you.
JERRY
Or maybe he doesn't like Newman.
GEORGE
Yeah. He seemed to be very excited when you told him that you were
gonna throw Newman out.
Jerry puts the key in the locker and
opens the door.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
They enter the apartment.
The place is very much the same, except
for a slight detail that destroys the magic of the moment - the sight of Newman
sleeping on Jerry's couch, wearing nothing but his underwear. A sight so
horrible for mere human eyes to watch.
They're shocked to say the least.
Jerry tries to walk away in disgust but
George stops him.
JERRY
George, let me go.
GEORGE
Jerry, no. You already went through that door. You know exactly
what's out there.
(puts his hand on Jerry's
shoulder)
Don't worry. I'm here.
Jerry breathes deeply and walks to the
couch. He bends over and says.
JERRY
Hello... Newman.
NEWMAN
(smiling)
Hello... Jerry. Jerry?
(wakes up)
Jerry! Oh my God!
Newman mumbles something as Jerry finds
himself more confident.
JERRY
Shut up, fat ass! It's payback time!
GEORGE
(checks his watch)
Well, I'd love to stay here and help you but I have to go now.
George starts to walking towards the
door.
JERRY
(grabs Newman by the nose)
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
GEORGE
What about that... thing, we talked about?
JERRY
I'll think about it.
GEORGE
Okay. Good luck, Newman.
George exits to the hall.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAY
George walks down the corridor.
After a while, comes a terrifying scream
from Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE (V. O.)
Poor bastard.
CUT TO:
INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY
Peterman is sitting on his chair, his face
pale from fear.
Elaine is trying very hard to comfort
him.
PETERMAN
The horror...
ELAINE
I'm so sorry, Mr. Peterman. I had no idea this would happen.
PETERMAN
Oh! The horror...
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
George is having dinner with Wilma.
George's cold is more evident now as he speaks with a little nose-voice.
WILMA
... and then she says "You're lucky to have a boyfriend
like that".
George laughs. One of his stupid laughs.
GEORGE (V. O.)
What was that laugh? Do you want her to think that you're an
idiot? Quick! Change the subject!
GEORGE
So...! Are you enjoying your meal?
WILMA
Yeah, it's good but, anyway...
Wilma's speech goes to the background.
We focus on a very uncomfortable George.
GEORGE (V. O.)
What's this on my tongue? It's slimy... Could it be? Oh no! Damn
cold! What am I gonna do now? Okay. Calm down. All I have to do is nod and
everything will be just fine. Think positive. I can do this. I can do this.
Just don't swallow.
WILMA
... last night. George? George
George wakes up from his little dream.
WILMA
What's wrong?
George SHRUGS.
WILMA
Aren't you hungry?
George shakes his head.
WILMA
Are you tired?
George shakes his head.
WILMA
Well, I know that something is bothering you. What is it?
George doesn't answer. He seems very keen
to keep his mouth shut.
WILMA
(moves closer to him)
Aren't you enjoying my company?
George nods.
WILMA
Then... how about a kiss?
GEORGE (V. O.)
Now?
George turns his head.
WILMA
First time?
George grins and shakes his head. Wilma
has an "I'm almost giving up on you" look on her face.
GEORGE (V. O.)
Do something you idiot! Do you want her to think that you're gay?
Is that what you want?
(beat)
I got it!
George points to his throat.
WILMA
Oh! You have a cold too, huh?
George NODS.
WILMA
I tell you something, that can be very annoying.
George's P.O.V.: Wilma grabs her napkin
and spits into it. She puts the napkin on the table and proceeds like nothing
happened.
George is shocked.
GEORGE (V. O.)
Did I just saw that? She spat on her napkin! What's stopping me
from doing the same thing? Women are supposed to be much more ethical than men.
If she's like this, I can extend my behavioral guidelines. Come on, you idiot!
Spit! Spit! Let her know that you're a man! Spit on your napkin! No! Better
yet! Spit on the floor! That will knock her out for sure!
George spits on the floor.
WILMA
That's gross!
(gets up)
I have to get going.
GEORGE
But I thought...
WILMA
I'll call you.
GEORGE
But you don't have my number.
WILMA
I said I'll call you.
Wilma leaves.
George is looking at his food when a
waitress puts a rag on the table.
WAITRESS
You made the mess. You clean it up.
George looks to the waitress as she walks
away.
When he sees A STRONGER WAITER
approaching, George grabs the rag and bends over.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
Jerry, George and Elaine are sitting on
their usual table.
ELAINE
So you spat?
GEORGE
Was that wrong?
ELAINE
Of course it was wrong!
JERRY
You can't just act like a man in front of a woman and expect
nothing to happen.
GEORGE
I thought that's the kind of situation you should always act like
a man.
ELAINE
But not like this.
GEORGE
She did the same thing!
ELAINE
Women are allowed to enter men's world.
GEORGE
And we're not?
ELAINE
You're already part of it. We simply prefer if you stay at one
corner.
JERRY
Since when do you act so manly?
GEORGE
Whose side are you anyway?
JERRY
I thought you said she was superficial.
GEORGE
Only the first couple of layers... So, what's the deal, did you
thought about it?
ELAINE
About what?
JERRY
George wants to be my room-mate.
ELAINE
Your room-mate? But you don't have another room!
GEORGE
He can sleep on the couch. That's not the problem. Please, Jerry.
JERRY
Alright... I know I'm gonna regret this but whata heck!
GEORGE
Thanks. It's only temporary. Once I get a job, I'll be out in no
time.
JERRY
That might take a while.
Kramer comes in and sits next to Elaine.
JERRY
Hey, K-Man.
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