THE RELEASE

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

Joel G. Gomes

December 2001

INT. PRISON. DAY

THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE WE LAST SAW JERRY. AS WE'VE SEEN BEFORE, HE'S DOING HIS BIT TO REST OF THE PRISONERS. CALL IT THERAPHY TO KEEP THEM QUIET OR MAYBE THEY ACTUALLY LIKE IT.

JERRY

I was told about a man inside this prison who was convicted for killing fifty people. Fifty people! That's a little harsh, don't you think? Now, the odd part about this story isn't the killing, which I'm sure some of you are very fond of, but the sentence. This man, believe it or not, was sentenced to the equivalent of three life sentences. How does that work? Do they wait for him to die and then try to resurrect him? Do they kill him partially? Do they use negligence in order to keep him half-alive? I may seem skeptical about this but, what if he decides to die definitely? That sure would take a few hobbies away from his incarcerators, wouldn't it?

THE SHOW IS INTERRUPTED BY TWO GUARDS THAT DRAG JERRY AWAY FROM THE STARLIGHT.

CUT TO:

EXT. COURT YARD. DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SITTING ON A BENCH. THEY'RE STARING AT THE OTHER PRISONERS, THINKING ABOUT NOTHING (WHICH IS TO BE CONSIDERED A GREAT ACHIEVEMENT). INEVITABLY, GEORGE BREAKS THE MOMENT.

GEORGE

Y'know, this isn't really that bad.

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

This. All this. This life. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to worry about getting a job. It's what I always wanted!

JERRY

That's great because I don't remember you doing that before you came here.

GEORGE

Me neither.

JERRY

Kramer feels just like home.

GEORGE

Hey! Where is Kramer anyway? I haven't seen him all week.

JERRY

From what I heard, he's working at the infirmary.

GEORGE

What's he doing there?

JERRY

They think the patients need a little rest.

GEORGE

So, why did they put him there in the first place?

JERRY

I don't know. Maybe it's because if they didn't, the patients wouldn't have any excuse to rest, right?

GEORGE

(THINKS)

I guess...

CUT TO:

INT. WOMEN'S BATHROOM. DAY

WE'RE IN THE SHOWERS SECTION. THE STEAM DOESN'T LET US SEE ANYTHING BUT A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO ON A WOODEN SHELF. WE SEE A HAND REACHING FOR THE BOTTLE. JUST WHEN IT'S ABOUT TO GRAB IT, ANOTHER HAND GRABS THE FIRST HAND.

ELAINE LOOKS IN DISGUST AS THE FIGURE OF "DOG-FACED" JEAN COMES OUT OF THE FOG, WRAPPED UP IN A TOWEL. SHE'S TALL (LIKE KRAMER) AND HAS A VERY, VERY UGLY BODY. NO DOUBT THE KIND OF PERSON THAT CAN CONFIRM THE EXISTENCE OF ANATOMICALLY INCORRECTNESS. SHE HAS A SCAR ON HER LEFT CHEEK AND SPEAKS WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT.

"DOG-FACED" JEAN

What're you doing here, Benice?

ELAINE

I... I... I... just came to get some shampoo.

"DOG-FACED" JEAN

Just came to get some shampoo?!

ELAINE

Yeah. I needed some shampoo for my hair and...

"DOG-FACED" JEAN

I don't give a damn about your hair! I ought to cut it!

(APPROACHES ELAINE)

Maybe that's what I'm gonna do.

ELAINE SWALLOWS AT THE SIGHT OF HERSELF BOLD.

"DOG-FACED" JEAN

Did you even bothered to ask me for that shampoo.?

ELAINE

Er... no. But... hum... since this isn't your shampoo, I figured...

"DOG-FACED" JEAN

You figured? Who are you? Dr. Watson?

ELAINE

Actually, Dr. Watson didn't...

"DOG-FACED" JEAN

Shut up! I hate detectives! They're too damn smart! And I also hate people that go around claiming other people's stuff too! Now, listen very careful, cuz I'm only gonna say this once, you hear me?

ELAINE NODS.

"DOG-FACED" JEAN (CONT'D)

Everything in this place, everything, belongs to me! So if I ever caught you again  messing around with my stuff I promise you I won't be so nice as I am being now!

(PUSHES ELAINE AGAINST THE WALL)

Got that?

ELAINE

(CLEARLY FRIGHTNED)

Yup. Sure.

"DOG-FACED" JEAN LEAVES.

CUT TO:

INT. PRISON CAFETERIA. DAY.

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SITTING ON A TABLE EATING. ONE OF THE PRISONERS IS TOSSING LEFTOVERS AT GEORGE'S BACK. HE ACTS COOL, TRYING HARD NOT TO LOSE HIS TEMPER.

GEORGE

See, what I don't understand is why going through all the trouble?

JERRY

I told you I don't know. That part I said about Kramer being an excuse for them to rest can be just speculation.

GEORGE

Well, you can never tell when he's involved.

GEORGE IS HIT AGAIN.

GEORGE

Someone is trying to cause a riot here.

JERRY

Don't mind him.

ONE OF THE LEFTOVERS HITS GEORGE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HEAD. HE LOSES HIS TEMPER, GETS UP AND SEES AN OLD FRIEND. REMEMBER THAT PRISONER THAT GEORGE MOCKED ABOUT A TIMES MAGAZINE A FEW YEARS AGO? WE SAW HIM AT THE AIRPORT EPISODE.

GEORGE TURNS, HIS FACE IS PALE.

GEORGE

Oh my god! Oh my god!

JERRY

What? You know him?

GEORGE

Do I know him? We were locked up in a bathroom!

JERRY

I guess you know each other pretty well, then.

GEORGE

I can't believe this is happening. I keep asking myself that same question. What have I done?

JERRY

You did nothing. None of us did. That's why we're here. Because we didn't do anything.

GEORGE

I had such a wonderful life outside...

FROM JERRY'S POV WE SEE THE TIMES PRISONER GETTING UP AND WALKING TOWARDS GEORGE.

JERRY

Oh oh.

GEORGE

Oh oh?

JERRY

He's coming this way.

GEORGE

Oh my god!

JERRY

Don't worry. Just act cool.

GEORGE

He's gonna kill me!

JERRY

He's not gonna kill you. At least not here.

GEORGE

Are you suggesting that I should never leave this table?

JERRY

Well, I prefer a seat closer to the window, but if you save me a spot here, be my guest.

THE "TIMES" PRISONER SITS RIGHT NEXT TO GEORGE AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.

"TIMES" PRISONER

Hya dork.

GEORGE

H...h...hey.

"TIMES" PRISONER

Whatsa matter? You scared of somethin'?

GEORGE

Who? Me? I laugh at the face of fear!

"TIMES" PRISONER

Boo!

GEORGE

Please don't kill me! Please don't kill me!

"TIMES" PRISONER

(LAUGHS)

You are a dork, jackass.

THE "TIMES" PRISONER GETS UP AND LEAVES.

JERRY

That's the best sign of bravery I have ever seen.

ONE OF THE GUARDS APPROACHES THE TABLE AND SPEAKS TO JERRY.

GUARD #1

You have a phone call waiting.

JERRY

A phone call?

GUARD #1

Yeah, come on.

THE GUARD LEADS JERRY OUT OF THE CAFETARIA.

CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR. DAY.

THE GUARD TAKES JERRY TO A PHONE ATTACHED TO A WALL. THE PHONE IS RINGING. JERRY PICKS IT UP.

JERRY

Hello. Who is this?

NEWMAN (V. O.)

Hello... Jerry.

JERRY

Hello... Newman. What d'you want?

NEWMAN

Me? Oh nothing. Just called to tell you the great news.

JERRY

What news?

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

NEWMAN IS LYING ON JERRY'S COUCH.

NEWMAN

Well... you see, let me put it this way: I'm staying at your apartment.

JERRY (V. O.)

What d'you mean, you're staying at my apartment?

CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR. DAY

NEWMAN (V. O.)

I mean, your house belongs to me now.

JERRY

You weasel! You'll see what will happen once I put my hands on you!

NEWMAN

(LAUGHS IN HIS OWN EVIL WAY)

So long, Jerry! Bye bye!

JERRY

You can't do this! Newman!

WE HEAR A CLICK FROM THE OTHER SIDE AND THE PHONE GOES DEAD.

JERRY (CONT'D)

Newman!

CUT TO:

INT. PRISON CAFETERIA. DAY

JERRY RETURNS TO THE TABLE. GEORGE HAS NOW FINISHED HIS MEAL AND IS CALMER THAN BEFORE. IN FACT, JERRY IS NOW THE OPPOSITE OF GEORGE.

GEORGE

Who was it?

JERRY

You are not gonna believe this.

GEORGE

Try me.

JERRY

Newman called me.

GEORGE

I'm believing it so far. What for?

JERRY

He wanted to let me know that he's staying at my place.

GEORGE

How come?

JERRY

How come what?

GEORGE

How did he get there?

JERRY

I have no idea.

GEORGE

Why didn't you ask him?

KRAMER ENTERS THE CAFETERIA AND JOINS JERRY AND GEORGE.

JERRY (CONT'D)

I tried to but he hang up.

KRAMER

Who?

JERRY

Newman.

KRAMER

He's still staying at your place, right?

JERRY

Yes.

KRAMER

I figured.

JERRY (CONT'D)

Wait a second! Wait a second! How do you know that?

KRAMER

Er... well, when we were on trial, he asked me if he could stay at my apartment while I was away..

JERRY

And you told him what?

KRAMER

Well, I told him no. But I said that he could use your apartment.

JERRY

What?! You told Newman he could use my apartment?!

KRAMER

I thought that since you would be here it wouldn't make any difference.

JERRY

So why didn't you let him use your apartment instead?

KRAMER

Are you kidding? I would never feel comfortable knowing that Newman is sleeping on my bed.

JERRY

And you thought I would?

GEORGE

What about that infirmary thing, Kramer? What were you doing there, anyway?

KRAMER

Group therapy.

JERRY

Were you in it?

KRAMER

Yes. I was the choreographer.

GEORGE

Don't you mean coordinator?

KRAMER

It's nearly the same.

(TO JERRY)

Hey, guess who I saw there?

JERRY

I don't know but I have a feeling you're about to tell me.

KRAMER

Joe Davola.

JERRY

What? Davola? Here?

GEORGE

Did he see you?

KRAMER

I don't think so.

JERRY

You don't think so? We're talking about a psychotic, remember?

KRAMER

I'm not sure.

JERRY

You're not sure that he is a psychotic?

KRAMER

No. I'm not sure that he didn't see me.

JERRY

Make up your mind. Is that a yes or a no?

GEORGE

I hope it's a no.

KRAMER

All I know is that he was arrested for violent before.

JERRY

That doesn't surprise me.

KRAMER (CONT'D)

I think he's being transferred to this block once he gets out of the infirmary.

JERRY

Alright! That's it! I'm not staying here any longer. Tonight, I'm going out.

GEORGE

What're you talking about? We're getting released two months from now.

(TO KRAMER)

How long is Davola gonna stay at the infirmary?

KRAMER

I heard the doctor say at least two months.

GEORGE

(TO JERRY)

Probably, by the time he comes here, we'll be out there.

JERRY

What if he recovers earlier? What if they decide to put him on the cell next to mine? Can you imagine what that would feel like?

GEORGE

I rather not, especially considering that we're cell mates.

JERRY

That's my point.

GEORGE

I think you should try the escape. It's more safe.

JERRY

You're coming too?

GEORGE

I'm gonna wait for my turn.

JERRY

What about you?

KRAMER

I'm out, Jerry. You do what you have to do but, keep me out. I wanna do my time.