THE POTATO HEAD

By Liam McNicholas

SCENE 1. INT. MONK'S

JERRY SITS IN MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY

What are you doing?

GEORGE COMES UP FROM UNDER THE TABLE.

GEORGE

I don't believe this.

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

I just bought these new pairs of sneakers.

JERRY

So?

GEORGE

When I tried them on in the store they fit perfectly. Now they're too big. Either these shoes have grown or I've shrunk.

JERRY

Well, Inspector Costanza, it's a mystery. Where'd you buy 'em?

GEORGE

That new place down on 8th Avenue.

JERRY

There's your problem.

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

8th Avenue? That's four blocks away, you've never walked so far in your life.

GEORGE

It was a long way.

JERRY

When your feet get tired, they swell up.

GEORGE

Swell up? Why?

JERRY

When things get sick and tired, they grow. Like your head.

GEORGE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY AT THIS COMMENT.

SCENE 2. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY IS ON THE PHONE.

WOMAN'S VOICE

(OVER PHONE)

I'm not here at the moment, please leave a message.

JERRY

Hi, Julie, it's Jerry. I had a great time last night, I thought we could do it again. Bye.

KRAMER HAS ENTERED. WHILE JERRY IS TALKING, HE GOES OVER TO JERRY'S STOVE. HE ATTEMPTS TO LIGHT UP HIS CUBAN CIGAR ON IT, AND FAILS.

JERRY

Hey, Kramer, what are you doing?

KRAMER TRIES AGAIN, AND HIS CIGAR NEARLY EXPLODES. HE JUMPS BACK INTO JERRY'S FRIDGE, YELPING.

JERRY

(PUTTING THE STOVE OUT)

Kramer, please, I'm begging you, just use a match!

KRAMER

Jerry, matches are out! You gotta catch up with the times, buddy.

(HE CHECKS HIS SHIRT POCKET.)

Oh, man!

JERRY

What now?

KRAMER

Hold it right there.

HE LEAVES, JUST AS JERRY'S INTERCOM SOUNDS. HE GOES OVER TO IT.

JERRY

Hey.

ELAINE'S VOICE

It's me.

JERRY

Come on up.

KRAMER RE-ENTERS.

KRAMER

I'm in big trouble buddy!

JERRY

What is it?

KRAMER

I'm out of Cubans! That was my last one!

JERRY

So get some more.

KRAMER

You don't understand, I can't get them anywhere else. My supply line's dry! Hey, maybe I could ask Susan's dad for some more?

JERRY

You gotta be kidding. First you vomit on her, you burn down their family cabin, then Susan dies, and you're going to ask Mr. Ross for some cuban cigars?

KRAMER

Forgive and forget?

JERRY

I don't think so.

KRAMER

Well, I'm out of options Jerry!

HE LEAVES, AS ELAINE COMES IN. SHE IS EATING FRENCH FRIES OUT OF A BUCKET.

ELAINE

Hey.

JERRY

Hey. What are you eating?

ELAINE

What? Oh, I was on this bus trip and we stopped off at one of those fast food places.

JERRY

I thought you didn't really like fast food?

ELAINE

I know, but I was so hungry. These really aren't that bad.

SCENE 3. INT. THE SHOE SHOP

GEORGE IS AT THE FRONT DESK.

ASSISTANT

I'm sorry sir, there's nothing we can do.

GEORGE

You won't get away with this. You just lost a customer!

HE STORMS AWAY, FUMING. A LITTLE BOY WONDERS NEAR HIM. HE IS HOLDING A MR. POTATO HEAD. THE LITTLE BOY LOOKS AT HIS DOLL, THEN AT GEORGE.

LITTLE BOY

Mr. Potato Head!

SCENE 4. INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE

SHE IS MAKING A PAPER PLANE. SHE IS ABOUT TO THROW IT WHEN SOMEONE ENTERS. SARAH, HER ASSISTANT.

SARAH

Ms. Benes. here's your salad burger.

ELAINE

Thanks.

SHE OPENS HER PACKAGE AND PICKS UP HER SALAD BURGER. SHE NOTICES A BUCKET OF FRIES. SHE TAPS HER INTERCOM.

ELAINE

Sarah, please tell that food place that I do not want fries! This happens every time.

SARAH

Sorry, Ms. Benes.

ELAINE GOES TO THROW THE FRIES IN THE BIN, BUT SUDDENLY STOPS. SHE LICKS HER LIPS. AFTER A MOMENT OF INDECISION, SHE BEGINS TO EAT, GREEDILY.

SCENE 5. INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT

KRAMER IS ON THE PHONE.

KRAMER

Hello, Mr Ross? This is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer. Friend of Jerry's. Friend of George's.

(HE PULLS BACK A LITTLE AT THE REPLY.)

I was wondering if you could spare me some more -

HE BREAKS OFF AS HE LISTENS IN SHOCK TO THE REPLY. HE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE, MISSES, AND FALLS OFF THE SOFA.

SCENE 6. INT. OFFICE

GEORGE IS SITTING BEHIND A LARGE DESK, LOOKING NERVOUS. THEN, MR WOODS ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY MR LEWIS.

WOODS

So, this is him.

(TAKES A LONG LOOK AT GEORGE.)

Yes. Yes, I see it.

GEORGE

Er, see what, exactly?

WOODS

Potential. I see potential, Lewis.

LEWIS

Yes, sir!

WOODS

Let me explain, Mr Costanza. You do of course know of Mr Potato Head.

GEORGE

Oh, yes indeed sir.

LEWIS

My son saw you in the mall on 8th Avenue. He came running back to me, his face aglow. He had seen Mr Potato Head. Then I saw you myself. A vision, a myth, come to life.

WOODS

You, Mr Costanza. Now, what we want to do is put you out on the screens as the new face of Mr Potato Head.

GEORGE

(SHOCKED)

Excuse me! Some little kid has a delusion, and you have the nerve to compare me to a potato?! I think -

WOODS

It would involve a six-month contract with substantial pay.

GEORGE

Brilliant idea, sir! You have come to the right man!

LEWIS

Congratulations, Mr Costanza.

WOODS

Congratulations, Mr Potato Head.

SCENE 7. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY IS WATCHING TV. KRAMER SLIDES IN.

KRAMER

I need help, Jerry!

JERRY

You're telling me.

KRAMER

I don't know where to turn! All my avenues have been closed up! I'm dry, Jerry!

JERRY

Well, I don't know what you want me to do about it.

KRAMER

Wait a second. I know a guy who can help me. A man with connections. Connections to people in high places, and low places. A man who's not afraid to sink to any depths to achieve his aims.

JERRY

Don't tell me! Not -

KRAMER

Newman!

SCENE 8. EXT. STREET. DAY

ELAINE WALKS DOWN A BUSY STREET. SUDDENLY, SHE SEES A SHOP ADVERTISING HEALTH FOOD. AS NOSTALGIC MUSIC FLARES UP, SHE SEES A STAND WITH A LARGE STAND ADVERTISING "HOT CHIPS". SHE GAZES LONGINGLY AT BOTH, BEFORE SPRINTING TO THE FAST FOOD STAND. SHE BUYS A BUCKET, AND RUNS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.

SCENE 9. OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

JERRY AND JULIE ARE TRYING TO HAIL A CAB WITHOUT SUCCESS.

JERRY

You want to come upstairs?

JULIE

I- I can't.

JERRY

Why?

JULIE

Please!

JERRY

Come on.

JULIE

(HESITATES)

Alright.

SCENE 10. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY SLEEPS ON THE SOFA. THE SOUND OF A SHUTTING DOOR WAKES HIM. HE SITS UP.

JERRY

Julie?

HE GOES TO THE DOOR AND LOOKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

JERRY

Julie! I'll call you!

SCENE 11. INT. LAUNDRY ROOM

IT IS VERY DARK, AND ABOUT MIDNIGHT. KRAMER ENTERS. NEWMAN IS IN THE CORNER, IN BLACK CLOTHES.

NEWMAN

I was beginning to think you weren't coming.

KRAMER

Newman?

NEWMAN

Oh, yes. So, my little friend, I hear you are in some quandry.

KRAMER

I need help, Newman.

NEWMAN

Oh yes, I've seen it before. Poor wretches like yourself, succumbing to the silky temptation of the exotic cigar. Oh yes, I've seen it many times before!

KRAMER

Help me, Newman! Help me!!

NEWMAN

Very well. You are a true friend, Kramer. It wrenches my heart from my chest to see you like this. I will help you!

KRAMER

Speak to me, Newman!

NEWMAN

Understand this! The road you are about to embark on is dark, and twisted, and there is no turning back. If you committ yourself to this path, then heed my warning! Cosmo Kramer: Beware!

KRAMER IS LOOKING WORRIED. SUDDENLY, ONE OF THE WASHING MACHINES BEEPS.

NEWMAN

Ooh, there's my socks!

SCENE 12. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. MORNING

KRAMER ENTERS SLOWLY. HE'S VERY NERVOUS.

JERRY

Hey.

KRAMER

Yeah... Oh, hey Jerry! How's it going!!

JERRY

Fine. What's wrong, Kramer?

KRAMER

I don't know what you're talking about!

JERRY

Come on, Kramer.

KRAMER

Lay off me, buddy, I got nothin' to say!

JERRY

Alright, Cosmo, spill the beans!

KRAMER

Listen, Seinfeld, this ain't business you wanna know about, so just stick to your little bar gigs and stay outta my way!

JERRY

OK.

KRAMER

I just gotta borrow something.

HE GOES INTO JERRY'S BEDROOM. JERRY'S INTERCOM BUZZES.

JERRY

Hey.

GEORGE'S VOICE

Me.

KRAMER COMES OUT WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

JERRY

What do you want with that?

KRAMER

You don't want to know.

KRAMER EXITS. GEORGE ENTERS.

GEORGE

You know who you are looking at?

JERRY

I'm sorry, I'm new here.

GEORGE

You are looking at the new face of Mr. Potato Head!

JERRY

No kidding?

GEORGE

I met with the guy who runs that new toy store down on 8th Avenue. He wants me to be the advertising guy! I'm gonna be on TV! He said I had potential!