THE POTATO HEAD

By Liam McNicholas

SCENE 1. INT. MONK'S

JERRY SITS IN MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY

What are you doing?

GEORGE COMES UP FROM UNDER THE TABLE.

GEORGE

I don't believe this.

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

I just bought these new pairs of sneakers.

JERRY

So?

GEORGE

When I tried them on in the store they fit perfectly. Now they're too big. Either these shoes have grown or I've shrunk.

JERRY

Well, Inspector Costanza, it's a mystery. Where'd you buy 'em?

GEORGE

That new place down on 8th Avenue.

JERRY

There's your problem.

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

8th Avenue? That's four blocks away, you've never walked so far in your life.

GEORGE

It was a long way.

JERRY

When your feet get tired, they swell up.

GEORGE

Swell up? Why?

JERRY

When things get sick and tired, they grow. Like your head.

GEORGE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY AT THIS COMMENT.

SCENE 2. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY IS ON THE PHONE.

WOMAN'S VOICE

(OVER PHONE)

I'm not here at the moment, please leave a message.

JERRY

Hi, Julie, it's Jerry. I had a great time last night, I thought we could do it again. Bye.

KRAMER HAS ENTERED. WHILE JERRY IS TALKING, HE GOES OVER TO JERRY'S STOVE. HE ATTEMPTS TO LIGHT UP HIS CUBAN CIGAR ON IT, AND FAILS.

JERRY

Hey, Kramer, what are you doing?

KRAMER TRIES AGAIN, AND HIS CIGAR NEARLY EXPLODES. HE JUMPS BACK INTO JERRY'S FRIDGE, YELPING.

JERRY

(PUTTING THE STOVE OUT)

Kramer, please, I'm begging you, just use a match!

KRAMER

Jerry, matches are out! You gotta catch up with the times, buddy.

(HE CHECKS HIS SHIRT POCKET.)

Oh, man!

JERRY

What now?

KRAMER

Hold it right there.

HE LEAVES, JUST AS JERRY'S INTERCOM SOUNDS. HE GOES OVER TO IT.

JERRY

Hey.

ELAINE'S VOICE

It's me.

JERRY

Come on up.

KRAMER RE-ENTERS.

KRAMER

I'm in big trouble buddy!

JERRY

What is it?

KRAMER

I'm out of Cubans! That was my last one!

JERRY

So get some more.

KRAMER

You don't understand, I can't get them anywhere else. My supply line's dry! Hey, maybe I could ask Susan's dad for some more?

JERRY

You gotta be kidding. First you vomit on her, you burn down their family cabin, then Susan dies, and you're going to ask Mr. Ross for some cuban cigars?

KRAMER

Forgive and forget?

JERRY

I don't think so.

KRAMER

Well, I'm out of options Jerry!

HE LEAVES, AS ELAINE COMES IN. SHE IS EATING FRENCH FRIES OUT OF A BUCKET.

ELAINE

Hey.

JERRY

Hey. What are you eating?

ELAINE

What? Oh, I was on this bus trip and we stopped off at one of those fast food places.

JERRY

I thought you didn't really like fast food?

ELAINE

I know, but I was so hungry. These really aren't that bad.

SCENE 3. INT. THE SHOE SHOP

GEORGE IS AT THE FRONT DESK.

ASSISTANT

I'm sorry sir, there's nothing we can do.

GEORGE

You won't get away with this. You just lost a customer!

HE STORMS AWAY, FUMING. A LITTLE BOY WONDERS NEAR HIM. HE IS HOLDING A MR. POTATO HEAD. THE LITTLE BOY LOOKS AT HIS DOLL, THEN AT GEORGE.

LITTLE BOY

Mr. Potato Head!

SCENE 4. INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE

SHE IS MAKING A PAPER PLANE. SHE IS ABOUT TO THROW IT WHEN SOMEONE ENTERS. SARAH, HER ASSISTANT.

SARAH

Ms. Benes. here's your salad burger.

ELAINE

Thanks.

SHE OPENS HER PACKAGE AND PICKS UP HER SALAD BURGER. SHE NOTICES A BUCKET OF FRIES. SHE TAPS HER INTERCOM.

ELAINE

Sarah, please tell that food place that I do not want fries! This happens every time.

SARAH

Sorry, Ms. Benes.

ELAINE GOES TO THROW THE FRIES IN THE BIN, BUT SUDDENLY STOPS. SHE LICKS HER LIPS. AFTER A MOMENT OF INDECISION, SHE BEGINS TO EAT, GREEDILY.

SCENE 5. INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT

KRAMER IS ON THE PHONE.

KRAMER

Hello, Mr Ross? This is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer. Friend of Jerry's. Friend of George's.

(HE PULLS BACK A LITTLE AT THE REPLY.)

I was wondering if you could spare me some more -

HE BREAKS OFF AS HE LISTENS IN SHOCK TO THE REPLY. HE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE, MISSES, AND FALLS OFF THE SOFA.

SCENE 6. INT. OFFICE

GEORGE IS SITTING BEHIND A LARGE DESK, LOOKING NERVOUS. THEN, MR WOODS ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY MR LEWIS.

WOODS

So, this is him.

(TAKES A LONG LOOK AT GEORGE.)

Yes. Yes, I see it.

GEORGE

Er, see what, exactly?

WOODS

Potential. I see potential, Lewis.

LEWIS

Yes, sir!

WOODS

Let me explain, Mr Costanza. You do of course know of Mr Potato Head.

GEORGE

Oh, yes indeed sir.

LEWIS

My son saw you in the mall on 8th Avenue. He came running back to me, his face aglow. He had seen Mr Potato Head. Then I saw you myself. A vision, a myth, come to life.

WOODS

You, Mr Costanza. Now, what we want to do is put you out on the screens as the new face of Mr Potato Head.

GEORGE

(SHOCKED)

Excuse me! Some little kid has a delusion, and you have the nerve to compare me to a potato?! I think -

WOODS

It would involve a six-month contract with substantial pay.

GEORGE

Brilliant idea, sir! You have come to the right man!

LEWIS

Congratulations, Mr Costanza.

WOODS

Congratulations, Mr Potato Head.

SCENE 7. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY IS WATCHING TV. KRAMER SLIDES IN.

KRAMER

I need help, Jerry!

JERRY

You're telling me.

KRAMER

I don't know where to turn! All my avenues have been closed up! I'm dry, Jerry!

JERRY

Well, I don't know what you want me to do about it.

KRAMER

Wait a second. I know a guy who can help me. A man with connections. Connections to people in high places, and low places. A man who's not afraid to sink to any depths to achieve his aims.

JERRY

Don't tell me! Not -

KRAMER

Newman!

SCENE 8. EXT. STREET. DAY

ELAINE WALKS DOWN A BUSY STREET. SUDDENLY, SHE SEES A SHOP ADVERTISING HEALTH FOOD. AS NOSTALGIC MUSIC FLARES UP, SHE SEES A STAND WITH A LARGE STAND ADVERTISING "HOT CHIPS". SHE GAZES LONGINGLY AT BOTH, BEFORE SPRINTING TO THE FAST FOOD STAND. SHE BUYS A BUCKET, AND RUNS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.

SCENE 9. OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

JERRY AND JULIE ARE TRYING TO HAIL A CAB WITHOUT SUCCESS.

JERRY

You want to come upstairs?

JULIE

I- I can't.

JERRY

Why?

JULIE

Please!

JERRY

Come on.

JULIE

(HESITATES)

Alright.

SCENE 10. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY SLEEPS ON THE SOFA. THE SOUND OF A SHUTTING DOOR WAKES HIM. HE SITS UP.

JERRY

Julie?

HE GOES TO THE DOOR AND LOOKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

JERRY

Julie! I'll call you!

SCENE 11. INT. LAUNDRY ROOM

IT IS VERY DARK, AND ABOUT MIDNIGHT. KRAMER ENTERS. NEWMAN IS IN THE CORNER, IN BLACK CLOTHES.

NEWMAN

I was beginning to think you weren't coming.

KRAMER

Newman?

NEWMAN

Oh, yes. So, my little friend, I hear you are in some quandry.

KRAMER

I need help, Newman.

NEWMAN

Oh yes, I've seen it before. Poor wretches like yourself, succumbing to the silky temptation of the exotic cigar. Oh yes, I've seen it many times before!

KRAMER

Help me, Newman! Help me!!

NEWMAN

Very well. You are a true friend, Kramer. It wrenches my heart from my chest to see you like this. I will help you!

KRAMER

Speak to me, Newman!

NEWMAN

Understand this! The road you are about to embark on is dark, and twisted, and there is no turning back. If you committ yourself to this path, then heed my warning! Cosmo Kramer: Beware!

KRAMER IS LOOKING WORRIED. SUDDENLY, ONE OF THE WASHING MACHINES BEEPS.

NEWMAN

Ooh, there's my socks!

SCENE 12. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. MORNING

KRAMER ENTERS SLOWLY. HE'S VERY NERVOUS.

JERRY

Hey.

KRAMER

Yeah... Oh, hey Jerry! How's it going!!

JERRY

Fine. What's wrong, Kramer?

KRAMER

I don't know what you're talking about!

JERRY

Come on, Kramer.

KRAMER

Lay off me, buddy, I got nothin' to say!

JERRY

Alright, Cosmo, spill the beans!

KRAMER

Listen, Seinfeld, this ain't business you wanna know about, so just stick to your little bar gigs and stay outta my way!

JERRY

OK.

KRAMER

I just gotta borrow something.

HE GOES INTO JERRY'S BEDROOM. JERRY'S INTERCOM BUZZES.

JERRY

Hey.

GEORGE'S VOICE

Me.

KRAMER COMES OUT WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

JERRY

What do you want with that?

KRAMER

You don't want to know.

KRAMER EXITS. GEORGE ENTERS.

GEORGE

You know who you are looking at?

JERRY

I'm sorry, I'm new here.

GEORGE

You are looking at the new face of Mr. Potato Head!

JERRY

No kidding?

GEORGE

I met with the guy who runs that new toy store down on 8th Avenue. He wants me to be the advertising guy! I'm gonna be on TV! He said I had potential!

JERRY

(LAUGHING)

Potential? You've got less potential than brussel sprouts at a school canteen.

GEORGE

Not the point!

JERRY

So what next Potato Boy?

GEORGE

I got an interview today.

SCENE 13. INT. MR. WOODS OFFICE

GEORGE IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY LEWIS.

LEWIS

Do you have any previous experience in televison?

GEORGE

Actually, I did a comedy pilot for NBC.

LEWIS

Really? What was that?

GEORGE

Show called 'Jerry'.

LEWIS

I think I saw that! What was it about, again?

GEORGE

I don't know, something...

SCENE 14. INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT

ELAINE IS STILL ASLEEP, FOUR EMPTY CHIP BUCKETS NEXT TO HER.

SCENE 15. INT. COSTANZA HOUSE

FRANK AND ESTELLE ARE HAVING LUNCH.

FRANK

What the hell is this?

ESTELLE

Tomato sandwich.

FRANK

Tomato?! What am I, a health nut?!

ESTELLE

It'll do you good!

FRANK

It's poison!

SUDDENLY, GEORGE'S VOICE CAN BE HEARD ON THE TV.

GEORGE'S VOICE

Come down to Wood's Toys, I'm there to meet you!

ESTELLE

Oh my god!

SCENE 16. INT. THE AIRPORT

KRAMER HAS ENTERED. OVER THIS, WE HEAR NEWMAN'S VOICE.

NEWMAN'S VOICE

When you arrive at the airport, you will see a tall woman, drinking a bottle of lemonade, leaning against the wall.

KRAMER SEES THE WOMAN.

NEWMAN'S VOICE

Do not approach her. When she puts the drink in the bin, it is safe to continue to the cafeteria.

THE WOMAN PUTS THE DRINK IN THE BIN, AND WALKS OFF.

NEWMAN'S VOICE

When you arrive at the cafeteria, proceed to the sports section of the nearby newsagent. On the opposite side of the rack, a man will give you the gate and arrival time.

KRAMER GOES INTO THE NEWSAGENT, AND EMERGES A FEW MOMENT LATER.

NEWMAN'S VOICE

Proceed to the gate. I will be waiting there.

KRAMER ARRIVES AT THE GATE, BUT THERE IS NO SIGN OF NEWMAN.

NEWMAN

(WHISPERING)

Kramer!

KRAMER TURNS TO SEE THAT NEWMAN IS BEHIND THE DESK WEARING AN AIRPORT UNIFORM.

KRAMER

Newman?!

NEWMAN

The package is about to be delivered. You have five minutes to get to Gate 14.

SCENE 17. OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT

KRAMER EXITS WITH A LARGE CARRY-ALL SLUNG OVER HIS SHOULDER. HE GETS INTO A VAN, AND PULLS A CIGAR OUT OF THE BAG.

KRAMER

Oh yeah!

SCENE 18. INT. JULIE'S APARTMENT

JERRY IS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.

JERRY

Julie, it's Jerry! Are you there?

JULIE OPENS THE DOOR. SHE LOOKS AS THOUGH SHE HAS JUST WOKEN UP.

JERRY

Julie?

JULIE

You woke me up, what's the matter?

JERRY

Woke you up? At four in the afternoon?

JULIE

What do you want, Jerry?

JERRY

Ah, nothing. I'll call in later.

JULIE

Bye.

SHE SHUTS THE DOOR. JERRY NOTICES THAT THERE IS A LITTLE MODEL OF AN OWL ON HER DOOR.

JERRY

Help!

SCENE 19. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

THE NEXT DAY.

GEORGE

I've never had so much fun in my life! I've found my calling, Jerry!

JERRY

(SHORT-TEMPERED)

Well, good on you, George, I'm really happy for you!

GEORGE

What's the matter with you?

JERRY

This woman I'm dating, Julie, she's an owl!

GEORGE

What do you mean, an owl?

JERRY

She sleeps during the day and stays awake at night! When I was at her house last night, I got no sleep! She was just sitting there watching me!

GEORGE

You look a little scared.

JERRY

(MEEK)

I'm a little scared.

ELAINE ENTERS. SHE IS LICKING HER FINGERS.

GEORGE

Well, I gotta go. I've got another meeting with Woods today.

HE LEAVES.

ELAINE

Hey.

JERRY

What are you doing?

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

You're on the fries again, aren't you?

ELAINE

(NEARLY CRYING)

I can't stop! I'm addicted! That salty explosion, the soft crunch! Help me Jerry!

JERRY

Wait a second. I know a guy who can help me. A man with connections. Connections to people in high places, and low places. A man who's not afraid to sink to any depths to achieve his aims.

ELAINE

Don't tell me! Not -

JERRY

Newman!

SCENE 20. INT. MR. WOOD'S OFFICE

GEORGE ENTERS. WOODS DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY.

GEORGE

Mr Woods!

WOODS

George, we have a problem

GEORGE

(SARCASTIC)

Of course we do.

WOODS

We have no more Mr Potato Head's. They were all destroyed in a fire. Some idiot was in a van and he threw a lit cigar into our factory.

GEORGE

Cigar? Kramer!

SCENE 21. INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT

GEORGE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. KRAMER ANSWERS IT, SMOKING.

KRAMER

Hey, Georgy!

GEORGE

You idiot! You destroyed the Mr Potato Head factory! I'm out of a job!

KRAMER

That's a shame.

GEORGE

Oh, really? What are you going to do about it?!

KRAMER

I don't - hang on a sec. I can put you in touch with someone that can help you.

SCENE 22. INT. MONK'S

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE THERE. GEORGE IS EATING FRIES.

GEORGE

So Kramer said he can help me. Jerry?

JERRY IS FALLING ASLEEP. HE STARTS AWAKE.

JERRY

What happened?

GEORGE

You nodded off for a second there.

JERRY

Don't you see what's happening? I'm becoming Owl Man! What am I going to do?

GEORGE

Break up with her.

JERRY

I can't. I'm too scared. She is really freaking me out.

HE WATCHES GEORGE EAT HIS CHIPS. AN IDEA OCCURS TO HIM. HE GETS UP TO LEAVE.

JERRY

I'll see you later.

SCENE 23. INT. JULIE'S APARTMENT

JERRY OFFERS JULIE A CHIP.

JERRY

Come on, just one!

JULIE

I don't really like fast food.

JERRY

Just one.

JULIE EATS ONE. SHE NODS HER HEAD, IMPRESSED.

SCENE 24. INT. THE AIRPORT

GEORGE IS WAITING WITH JERRY.

JERRY

So now she's addicted to chips! She went into retreat and dumped me!

GEORGE

That's real sweet. Alright, you'd better get out of here. It's time.

JERRY LEAVES. A MAN WALKS PAST GEORGE AND LEAVES A BLUE HOLDALL. GEORGE LOOKS ABOUT, PICKS IT UP, AND LEAVES. NEWMAN SEES A SECURITY GUARD FOLLOW HIM, AND HE BEGINS TO LAUGH.

THE END

SCENE 25. EXT. STREET

GEORGE'S CAR. HE OPENS THE BAG, WHICH REVEALS GUNS.

GEORGE

What?! Newman!

HE HEARS A POLICE SIREN.

GEORGE

This isn't going to be good.

SCENE 26. INT. LAUNDRY ROOM

IT IS ABOUT MIDNIGHT. ELAINE ENTERS. NEWMAN IS IN THE CORNER, WEARING DARK CLOTHES.

NEWMAN

I was beginning to think you weren't coming.

ELAINE

Newman?

NEWMAN

Oh, yes. So, my little friend, I here you are in some quandry.

ELAINE

I need help, Newman.

NEWMAN

Oh yes, I've seen it before. Poor wretches like yourself, succumbing to the salty temptation of the french fry. Oh yes, I've seen it many times before!

ELAINE

(NOT IMPRESSED)

Oh god.