THE PET-SHOP

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

Joel G. Gomes

September 2002

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

JERRY

When I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog. My parents didn’t thought it was a very good idea so they bought me a fish instead. At first I felt disappointed. But, nevertheless, I tried to adapt to the fish. The problem was that the fish did not try to adapt to me. Maybe it was because of the fact that I was treating that fish like a dog, y’know? But I didn’t care. I took care of him like I would haven taken care of a dog. Imagine an eight year old kid walking around with an aquarium under his arm, throwing sticks and making useless efforts to play Frisbee with it. It didn’t turn the fish into a dog but, at least, it gave my parents a message: be careful with what you give to your kid.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK’S. DAY

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH NEXT TO THE WINDOW.

JERRY

Okay. Let me see if I heard you correctly. You used a handicap toilet?

GEORGE

Yeah! So what?

JERRY

I can’t believe you did something like that!

GEORGE

I was in a rush, okay?

JERRY

But that’s only for handicaps to use!

GEORGE

That’s what they tell you, but I never heard anyone saying that normal people couldn’t use them.

ELAINE

Are you saying that handicaps are not normal?

JERRY

Not like him, they’re not.

GEORGE

What I meant to say was... people in needs.

ELAINE

They have needs too, y’know?

GEORGE

But not like me.

JERRY

Let me ask you this: was it the only stall available?

GEORGE

Not really.

ELAINE

This is unbelievable...

GEORGE

I couldn’t resist! It had those sidebars, y’know, that they use to lift themselves up! I tell ya, you have no idea how relaxing it can be to sit there and just do... whatever you have to do.

JERRY

So the fact that there were three handicaps waiting for you to come out of your own private little Eden didn’t bother you at all?

GEORGE

Why should that bother me? All the other stalls were free. They could use them if they wanted. I wouldn’t mind.

ELAINE

Do you know how sick you are?

GEORGE

Yeah, now that you’ve mentioned it, I think I have a slight headache.

JERRY

Must be your heavy conscience.

GEORGE

No, it’s not that.

(GETS UP)

I’ve learned to ignore that pain a long time ago.

JERRY

Where’re you going?

GEORGE

I have an appointment.

JERRY

Doctor?

GEORGE

No, for a job.

JERRY

Really? Where?

GEORGE

A hardware company.

JERRY

Hardware? What’re you applying for?

GEORGE

Haven’t thought of it yet.

JERRY

Well, good luck.

GEORGE

(WALKS AWAY)

Thanks.

JERRY AND ELAINE HEAR BARKS COMING FROM THE OUTSIDE.

JERRY

What the hell...?

THEY LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW AND SEE KRAMER WITH AT LEAST TEN DOGS HOLD BY THE SAME LEASH.

JERRY KNOCKS ON THE GLASS.

KRAMER SEES HIM AND WAVES.

JERRY WAVES BACK.

KRAMER KEEPS ON WALKING. THE BARKS DISAPPEAR INTO THE DISTANCE.

ELAINE

What was that all about?

JERRY

Whatever it was, I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough.

ELAINE

So, what’re you doing today? You wanna go to the mall?

JERRY

Go to the mall? What am I? A teenage girl?

ELAINE

I thought you like going to the mall.

JERRY

Yeah... That is my natural definition of entertainment. Spending countless hours trying to find something I have no need whatsoever.

ELAINE

You have anything better to do?

JERRY

As a matter of fact, yes. I have a date with Victoria.

ELAINE

What kind of name is that? Victoria.

JERRY

It’s a great name! Sounds like... victory! It means she’s a winner.

ELAINE

(LAUGHS)

Which makes you the looser.

JERRY

Very funny.

ELAINE

Okay.

(GETS UP)

I’m going by myself.

JERRY

What about Peterman? You’re still working there, right?

ELAINE

He gave me the week off.

JERRY

Oh, I see! Because of that catalog?

ELAINE

That’s right!

ELAINE WALKS AWAY.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT. DAY

JERY IS WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER. KRAMER COMES IN. WE CAN HEAR BARKS COMING FROM HIS APARTMENT.

KRAMER

Hey, buddy!

KRAMER WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND CHECKS THE CABINETS.

JERRY

What’s up?

KRAMER

You don’t happen to have any dog food here, would you?

JERRY

(GETS UP)

No.

KRAMER OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR.

JERRY

Didn’t I just tell you that I don’t have any dog food in here?

KRAMER

Do you have it someplace else?

JERRY

No!

KRAMER

Nevertheless, it’s worth checking out.

THE BARKS INCREASE THEIR VOLUME.

JERRY

Are those barks I hear?

KRAMER

Yeah.

JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND CLOSES THE REFRIGERATOR. KRAMER LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS.

JERRY

Where did you get all those dogs anyway?

KRAMER

I found them.

JERRY

And you’re keeping them in your apartment?

KRAMER

It’s just temporary. Once Newman finishes cleaning the shop, they’ll be out of here in no time.

JERRY

Did you just mentioned Newman?

KRAMER

Yeah. We’re gonna open a pet-shop together.

JERRY

And I thought I saw the last of him when I kicked him from my apartment after our release. You can never dream too high, that’s for sure.

KRAMER

Well, the supper told me that once Newman was out he tried to find someone to rent the apartment but no one seemed to be interested.

JERRY

I wonder why.

KRAMER (CONT’D)

So he got no option but to call Newman and ask for his return.

JERRY

It’s like they say in the movies, desperate times call for desperate actions.

KRAMER

I’m thinking of getting one those signs saying the place is under camera surveillance.

JERRY

Where are you gonna get the camera?

KRAMER

What do I need the camera for? All I need is the sign.

SOMEONE KNOCKS. JERRY OPENS THE DOOR WIDELY TO REVEAL THE SPACE-FILLING PRESENCE OF HIS ARCH ENEMY – NEWMAN.

JERRY

Hello... Newman.

NEWMAN

Hello... Jerry.

A BEAT. THEY EXCHANGE LOOKS. THEIR FIGHT WILL NEVER BE OVER.

NEWMAN ENTERS THE APARTMENT AND WALKS TO KRAMER.

NEWMAN

Did you get any food?

JERRY

Why? Are you hungry?

NEWMAN

As a matter of fact, yes.

KRAMER

We’ll have to go to the supermarket. Jerry doesn’t have any dog food.

NEWMAN

I’m not surprised. One can never count on him for anything.

JERRY

Specially, if that one is someone like you.

KRAMER

(WALKS TO THE DOOR)

Come one.

NEWMAN FOLLOWS KRAMER.

JERRY

Hey, Newman!

NEWMAN LOOKS BACK.

JERRY (CONT’D)

I’ll make sure I have some weasel food next time you stop by.

NEWMAN CLOSES THE DOOR. JERRY RETURNS TO HIS COMPUTER.

CUT TO:

INT. SMITH’S OFFICE. DAY

MR. SMITH IS A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN, WITH GLASSES AND THICK GRAY HAIR. HE’S TALL, AND THIN.

MR. SMITH IS WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER. SOMEONE KNOCKS.

MR. SMITH

Come in.

THE DOOR OPENS. IT IS GEORGE.

GEORGE

Uh... hello. I’m here for the job interview.

MR. SMITH

Come on in.

GEORGE ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.

MR. SMITH

Have a seat.

GEORGE

(SITS)

Thank you.

MR. SMITH

Let us begin this, shall we?

GEORGE

Yes, let us.

MR. SMITH

Your name?

GEORGE

Costanza. George Costanza.

MR. SMITH

(TYPES IT)

Costanza. Do you live on your own, George?

GEORGE

No. I... live with my parents.

MR. SMITH

Oh! I see... So tell me, do you have any experience in hardware?

GEORGE

Oh please!

(LAUGHS)

Do have any experience in hardware! Come on! Look at me! Hardware is my middle name!

MR. SMITH

Well, you see, as the owner of InfoSys, I try to develop a good relationship with my personnel. Like a friendship. You understand what I’m saying?

GEORGE

Yes, I do. I understand perfectly.

MR. SMITH

I believe that the job just becomes easier if you think you’re helping out a friend.

GEORGE

I totally agree on that.

MR. SMITH

But, I must warn you, George. Friend or no friend, there’s always a lot of hard work to do around here. Are you sure you can handle it?

GEORGE

Who? Me?

(LAUGHS)

Hard work is my second middle name!

MR. SMITH

That’s the spirit!

MR. SMITH GETS UP. GEORGE DOES THE SAME. THEY SHAKE HANDS.

MR. SMITH

George, I’m very happy to say this. You’re hired! Welcome to InfoSys!

GEORGE

Thank you, Mr. Smith! Thank you so much!

MR. SMITH

Be here Tuesday morning at nine o’clock.

GEORGE

I sure will, Mr. Smith.

GEORGE WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. HE’S READY TO LEAVE BUT SOMETHING’S REFRAINING HIM. HE TURNS BACK.

GEORGE

Could you tell me where the bathroom is?

CUT TO:

INT. INFOSYS BATHROOM. DAY

GEORGE ENTERS THE BATHROOM.

A MAN FINISHES CLEANING HIS HAND AND THROWS THE PAPER INTO THE PAPER BASKET. THE MAN LOOKS TO GEORGE AND EXITS.

GEORGE CHECK ALL THE STALLS. HE’S ALL ALONE.

HE WALKS TO THE LAST STALL. HE SEES THE HANDICAP SYMBOL AND ENTERS. HE HEAR HIM LOCKING THE DOOR FROM THE INSIDE.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY IS STILL WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER.

THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY GETS UP AND GOES ANSWER IT.

JERRY

Who is it?

VICTORIA (V. O.)

It’s Victoria.

JERRY

Come on up.

JERRY GOES TO THE COUCH AND SWITCHS THE TV ON.

VICTORIA ENTERS, VISIBLY UPSET.

JERRY

What happened?

VICTORIA

(SITS ON THE COUCH)

Someone stole my dog.

JERRY

What?

VICTORIA

Can you imagine anyone who could do such a thing?

JERRY

I can think of two.

VICTORIA

I left him outside at the backyard last night. And when I woke up this morning we was gone.

JERRY

What kind of dog is he?

VICTORIA

He’s an husky.

JERRY

(DOESN’T HAVE A CLUE)

An husky?

VICTORIA

Yes.

JERRY

Did you call the police?

VICTORIA

Yes. And I put an ad in all the newspapers as well. Just in case someone finds him.

CUT TO:

INT. PET-SHOP. DAY