THE OVERSTUFFED RAVIOLI

                         By Ohav S.

STANDUP

JERRY

I never was a fast runner, never, not in gym class and not when trying to leave a scene of a crime.

One time, my friend Willis and I wanted to, you know, have a little fun. Now, we were twelve back then and it was one night before Halloween, Mischief Night. After entirely covering four houses with toilet paper and raiding seventeen with rotten eggs, we wanted to steal a pumpkin.

So we go to this little cute house, and we see a nice, considerably big pumpkin. The lights were all out in the house and there was no noise. So I lift it up and as I turn around to leave, I hear the door open and I saw Willis yell and run. I turn around and I see an old lady with this huge shaft. Now, the lady looks no younger than sixty, but I still run. So the lady chases me with her shaft and I'm running and she's catching up. I let go of the pumpkin and run as fast as I can.

Anyway, the lady catches up to me, grabs my shoulder and just looks into my eye and leaves. Just when I thought I was out of trouble, I get home and my mom yells at me, it turns out she knows the lady, and the lady called home. So basically, for the next two months, Willis and I had to go to her house after school and take care of her.

The only effect this story had on me is that now I have an efficient phobia of shafts.

SCENE 1, JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY IS MAKING A SANDWICH; GEORGE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE.

JERRY

So George, are you up for going to "Titanic" today with Linda and me? You can bring Susan!

GEORGE

(STILL LOOKING AT MAGAZINE)

Nah, I can't.

JERRY

Why not? I heard from Kramer you see Kate's breasts completely!

GEORGE

(NOW LOOKING AT JERRY IN THE EYE, JERRY IS TAKING A BITE FROM SANDWICH)

And you want me to bring Susan to that?

JERRY

All right man, you don't have to.

(KRAMER ENTERS)

KRAMER

(CHUCKLES)

Guess what I bought?

JERRY

Another inflatable love doll?

KRAMER

Nah, even better!

JERRY

(LOOKING IMPRESSED)

There's something BETTER than a love doll?

KRAMER

Giddy-Up!

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

A brand new computer!

JERRY

(LOOKING SLIGHTLY LESS IMPRESSED)

Ah.

(TURNS AROUND)

KRAMER

Wait, wh- aren't you excited?

JERRY

No.

KRAMER

Fine. What time is it?

JERRY

(LOOKING AT HIS WATCH)

3 18, why?

KRAMER

Ah, got to go. I am 3 minutes late for my appointment.

JERRY

An appointment? With who?

KRAMER

PrettyLady360.

JERRY

Ah.

(KRAMER LEAVES)

JERRY

(TO GEORGE)

There goes another victim of modern technology.

GEORGE

When do you think this computer thing will stop?

JERRY

(LOOKING UP, TALKING CERTAINLY)

I'll give it a few millenniums.

(GEORGE SMILES)

SCENE 2, COFFEE HOUSE

ELAINE IS SITTING, LOOKING DEPRESSED.

WAITRESS

Here's your check, which would be 5.78.

(WALKS AWAY)

ELAINE

Wait!

(WAITRESS TURNS AROUND)

ELAINE

5.78 for a cup of tea? It's not like this tea flavor is extinct or something.

WAITRESS

It's 5.78, if you think it's too expensive then that's your problem.

(WHISPERING)

You should've thought about that before ordering.

(WALKS AWAY)

ELAINE

(MOUTHING)

Bitch.

(JERRY AND GEORGE WALK IN)

JERRY

Hey Elaine.

GEORGE

Hello Elaine.

ELAINE

(FLATLY)

Hey.

GEORGE

How'd your date with Jason work out?

(ELAINE BLOWS RASPBERRY)

GEORGE

I see.

JERRY

Why? What happened?

ELAINE

He picked me up twenty minutes late. Then we went to see "Cats", he had to take three bathroom brakes.

JERRY

(SARCASTICALLY)

That's terrible.

ELAINE

I know, and wait until you hear this, when we went back to his house for dinner, guess what he makes?

(JERRY AND GEORGE LOOK AT EACH OTHER ABSENTMINDEDLY)

ELAINE

Spaghetti-O's! From a can!

JERRY

Oh! Spaghetti-O's from a can! I thought Spaghetti-O's from a tree!

(ELAINE LOOKS AT JERRY WITH A FORCED SMILE)

SCENE 3, KRAMER'S APARTMENT

KRAMER IS ON THE COMPUTER.

KRAMER

(WHILE TYPING)

I-am-twen-ty-two, and-from-Mali-bu.

(KRAMER WAITS FOR RESPONSE)

KRAMER  

Oh, you live in Malibu too, huh?

(WHILE TYPING)

I'll-be-back-in-a-mo-ment, I-got-to-go-to-the-lit-tle-boys'-room.

(GETS UP, GIRL RESPONDS)

KRAMER

(YELLING AT COMPUTER)

What do you mean "be back ass-up"? Don't you call me an "ass-up!".

(LEAVES TO THE BATHROOM)

(ZOOM ON COMPUTER SCREEN, COMPUTER SAYS  "BE BACK ASAP!")

SCENE 4

(JERRY AND LINDA ARE MAKING OUT IN THE MOVIE THEATRE.)

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I'm the king of the world!

JERRY

(WHILE KISSING, MUFFLED)

I'm the king of kissing.

(NEWMAN IN THE BACKGROUND, LOOKING ENVIOUS)

(JERRY AND LINDA STILL KISSING)

--MOVIE ENDS, JERRY, LINDA AND NEWMAN WALK INTO EACH OTHER OUTSIDE.

JERRY

Hel-lo Newman.

NEWMAN

(LOOK OF JEALOUSY ON HIS FACE)

Good evening Jerry, what did you think of the movie?

JERRY

(STARTLED)

It was great,

(SMILES TO LINDA)

especially from the angle I was in.

NEWMAN

Well, they say the 7th row is the best.

JERRY

(ANNOYED)

Cool.

NEWMAN

But Three Hours, don't you think it was a bit. Long.?

JERRY

No.

(NEWMAN SHAKES HEAD IN DISGUST)

SCENE 5

(ELAINE AND JASON SITTING ON A PORCH STEP)

ELAINE

Thanks again for the fabulous Chef Boyardee dinner.

JASON

(SMILING)

Well, I'm glad you liked it.

ELAINE

Yeah, um. Listen, thank you so much for asking me on another date, I am really-

JASON

(INTERRUPTING)

Elaine, I'm sorry, can you hold on a second. I got to go to the bathroom. I'm sorry, it'll be quick.

(ELAINE LOOKING ASTONISHED)

JASON

(WHISPERING)

It'll take a minute, it's a number one.

(ELAINE NODS, EYES WIDE OPEN)

(DOOR SHUTS, ELAINE RUNS)

SCENE 6

(JERRY'S APARTMENT, JERRY IS TALKING ON THE PHONE)

JERRY

Okay, okay, so-

(WRITES DOWN)

Queens' Rib Palace, Saturday, 7 30.

(PUTS NOTE ON REFRIGERATOR)

I'll be there. Thanks, bye.

(HANGS UP.)

(KNOCK)

(JERRY OPENS, SEES ELAINE)

ELAINE

You won't believe what happened.

JERRY

(SARCASTICALLY)

Mr. Canned Food and you broke up.?

ELAINE

Sort of. He served me Chef Boyardee!

JERRY

Which kind?

ELAINE

I don't know! Does it matter?

(JERRY NODS)

ELAINE

Um, I think "Overstuffed Ravioli".

JERRY

(SHRINKS FACE)

Eww, I mean, the Lasagna is okay, but the Ravioli?

ELAINE

(AS-A-MATTER-OF-FACT TONE)

OVERSTUFFED Ravioli.

(KRAMER ENTERS)

JERRY

Kramer! How's what's her name-

KRAMER

PrettyWoman360?

JERRY

Yeah, what did you say she called you?

KRAMER

Ass-up?

ELAINE

How did she spell it?

KRAMER

Oh yeah, that's another thing, she can't spell for crap!

ELAINE

(STUBBORNLY)

How did she write it?!?

KRAMER

Woah! Easy there Elaine! She wrote it A-S-A-P!

ELAINE

Kramer! That means As-Soon-As-Possible!

KRAMER

Oh. That explains a lot. Well, she barbs too much!

JERRY

What's barb?

KRAMER

You know, barb. To insult.

ELAINE

Did she insult YOU?

KRAMER

No, but she keeps saying it. She can't spell that either, she writes it B-R- B and then she leaves for like a minute or two.

ELAINE

Kramer! That means Be-Right-Back!

KRAMER

(HANGS HEAD IN SHAME)

Oh.

JERRY

Elaine, how come you know so much about these "Internet Signs"?

ELAINE

Um. I chat once in a while.

JERRY

Did you meet anybody nice?

ELAINE

I thought I did.

JERRY

Who?

ELAINE

(BITES LIP AND COUGHS)

Mr. Canned Food.

(JERRY LAUGHS)

KRAMER

Well, my woman told me she likes Chinese food. I got no problem with that.

JERRY

Was that before or after you told her you lived in China for three years?

KRAMER

(ANGRY)

HEY! I only said two-and-a-half!

JERRY

(SARCASTICALLY)

Oh! My bad.

JERRY

Do you have a picture of her?

KRAMER

Yeah, I printed it from the computer. Look.

(KRAMER TAKES OUT PICTURE, JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK)

KRAMER

What do you think?

SCENE 7

(ELAINE'S APARTMENT, ELAINE TALKING ON THE PHONE.)

ELAINE

Oh, hey Jason.

(MOUTHING)

Shit!

(PAUSE)

Why did I leave you last night.? Um. I had to. Uh. BATHROOM! Yeah, I had to go to the bathroom and you know, it was taken, by you. So. Well maybe I didn't tell you because I was embarrassed! Yeah! How much do I owe you? 9.81? For what? The Overstuffed Ravioli and the Spaghetti O's! Oh no, you don't!

(End!)