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The Life Downtown

 

THE LIFE DOWNTOWN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

 

by

 

Joel G. Gomes

 

 

July 2002

 

 

 

 

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

 

JERRY

Unlike most people do, I consider stress to be a wonderful thing. And the reason for this is that I'm not part of it. I look around, I see all those people walking with their suitcases and their papers, y'know? It amazes me that they never stay too much time at the same place. They move at light speed. One minute they're here, the next... gone. Never to be seen again.

I like to find stressed people on public places cause they're always in such a rush, I don't have to wait long for a spot.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

 

JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ENTER THE APARTMENT.

 

GEORGE

Look, Jerry, just because you have a girlfriend, money and a good job and your own apartment, it doesn't' mean that you're in a better position in life than me! Okay! Maybe it does. But that's not the point! The point is that you have to deserve what you got and I don't think you do.

 

JERRY

Yeah. Like you do.

 

GEORGE

No, you do.

 

KRAMER

Why are you complaining?

 

GEORGE

Huh?

 

KRAMER

You're saying you have no girlfriend, no money, no independence... You know why?

 

GEORGE

No. Why?

 

KRAMER

Because you don't fight!

 

GEORGE

I'm not a violent man, Kramer.

 

KRAMER

No, I mean fighting for a chance, having a dream and trying to fulfill it! Go out there and exploit the world!

 

JERRY

Don't you mean, "explore" the world?

 

KRAMER (cont'd)

(NOT LISTENING)

See the beauty in it!

 

JERRY

What beauty?

 

GEORGE

I don't know. I think I'd rather stay here.

 

KRAMER

That's what's keeping you away from being happy.

 

GEORGE

What?

 

KRAMER

Your poor sense of adventure.

 

JERRY

More like his great sense of bad luck.

 

GEORGE IS QUIET FOR A SECOND. JERRY AND KRAMER WATCH HIM SILENTLY.

 

GEORGE

Okay. Okay. I think you have a point Kramer. It's time I do something with my life. Otherwise I might just...

 

KRAMER

You might just... what?

 

GEORGE

Whatever... Jerry, I'm going.

 

JERRY

That's great.

 

GEORGE

I'll pick up my stuff later, okay?

 

JERRY

Sure. No problem. Do you have any idea where you're going?

 

GEORGE

No.

 

JERRY

Well, that's gonna be quiet an adventure.

 

KRAMER

(WALKS TO THE DOOR)

I think I'm gonna have some sleep now.

 

JERRY

Peasant dreams.

 

KRAMER EXITS.

 

GEORGE

Shouldn't it be "pleasant" dreams?

 

JERRY

I don't know. Whatever it fits better, I guess.

 

GEORGE

Why is he sleeping in the middle of the day? He's been doing this for the last three days.

 

JERRY

Insomnia, I guess. Or maybe it's one of his therapies.

 

THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY GOES ANSWER IT.

 

JERRY

Yeah?

 

ELAINE (V. O.)

It's Elaine.

 

JERRY

Come on up.

(TO GEORGE)

Do you have anything on your mind?

 

GEORGE

No, my mind is a blank right now.

 

JERRY

I'm talking about a place to live, not your regular brain functions.

 

GEORGE

I'm not sure.

 

ELAINE ENTERS.

 

ELAINE

Hi.

 

JERRY

Hi.

 

GEORGE

Hi, Elaine.

(to Jerry)

I'm thinking maybe some place quiet with a good location. And a view. It has to have a view.

 

JERRY

All apartments have a view.

 

GEORGE

As long as that view is not a building.

 

JERRY

You're not expecting green flowered hills, are you?

 

ELAINE

What're you two talking about?

 

JERRY

George is looking for an apartment.

 

GEORGE

Why do you have to answer for me all the time? I'm capable of speak, y'know?

(TO ELAINE)

I'm looking for an apartment.

 

ELAINE

I know, Jerry told me.

 

GEORGE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

 

JERRY SMILES MOCKINGLY.

 

ELAINE

(TO GEORGE)

Hey, y'know what? There's a free apartment on a building three blocks away from me.

 

GEORGE

Is that in downtown?

 

ELAINE

Yup. It's a one-bedroom apartment.

 

GEORGE

A one bed-room apartment? That's great!

 

ELAINE

Yeah, the guy that was living on the top floor moved recently. The place is very cheap cause the landlord can't find anyone. Are you interested?

 

GEORGE

Is it quiet?

 

ELAINE

Absolutely. I mean, it's in downtown, but... yes. It's like an oasis in the middle of the desert.

 

JERRY

A mirage is more likely.

 

GEORGE

What about the rent?

 

ELAINE

It's eight hundred dollars.

 

GEORGE

That's not bad.

 

JERRY

The lesser the better.

 

GEORGE

How do I get in touch with the landlord?

 

ELAINE

I'll give you his number.

 

GEORGE

Okay.

(WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING)

Jerry, do you have a pen?

 

JERRY

Check out the kitchen drawer.

 

GEORGE

(WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES A PEN FROM THE DRAWER)

Why do you keep a pen on your kitchen drawer?

 

JERRY

It's as good as any other place.

 

GEORGE

(GRABS A PIECE OF PAPER)

Alright, what's the number?

 

ELAINE

Are you talking to me?

 

GEORGE

Yes.

 

ELAINE

I can't give you his number right now, George.

 

GEORGE

What d'you mean you can't give me his number right now? I went through all this trouble just to find a pen and now you're telling me that you can't give me his number? Now, you listen to me... I want that number... now.

 

ELAINE

I can't.

 

GEORGE

Why not?

 

ELAINE

Cause I don't have it here with me.

 

GEORGE

You could've said something.

 

ELAINE

How was I supposed to know?

 

GEORGE

Fine.

(WALKS TO THE DOOR)

I'll see you guys later.

 

JERRY

Where are you going?

 

GEORGE

(TURNS BACK AND SMILES)

To see the world, my friend! To see the world!

(EXITS)

 

JERRY

So...

 

GEORGE REENTERS THE APARTMENT.

 

GEORGE

This is gonna be the turning point in my life!

 

GEORGE EXITS AGAIN. JERRY AND ELAINE WAIT A FEW SECONDS BUT THIS TIME, GEORGE DOESN'T RETURN.

 

JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN. ELAINE SITS ON A CHAIR.

 

JERRY

So, what's the deal?

 

ELAINE

About what?

 

JERRY

You know...

 

ELAINE

No, what?

 

JERRY

About the apartment...

 

ELAINE

(SWALLOWS)

What about it?

 

JERRY

Come one! Do I have to spell it out?

 

ELAINE

You could, 'cause I have no idea what're you talking about.

 

JERRY

Alright. How much is the landlord paying you?

 

ELAINE

Jerry!

 

JERRY

Come on, Elaine.

 

ELAINE

Thirty per cent.

 

JERRY

On eight hundred dollars? That's a great amount of money just to find a tenant.

 

ELAINE

I know. He's really desperate cause no one wants to live in an attic these days.

 

JERRY

I thought you said it was a one-bedroom apartment.

 

ELAINE

In downtown? For eight hundred dollars? Are you crazy?

 

JERRY

Have you slept with him yet?

 

ELAINE

Jerry!

 

JERRY

Well?

 

JERRY STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR. ELAINE FOLLOWS HIM.

 

ELAINE

Yes.

 

ELAINE EXITS.

 

JERRY

I guess he's really desperate then.

 

JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONK'S. DAY

 

JERRY IS HAVING LUNCH. ELAINE SHOWS UP AND JOINS HIM.

 

ELAINE

Have you seen George?

 

JERRY

No. He's still out there.

 

ELAINE

He hasn't returned in two days? Where's he sleeping?

 

JERRY

Wherever the world grants him with a shelter, I think.

 

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE.

 

WAITRESS

What will it be?

 

ELAINE

Just coffee, please.

 

THE WAITRESS WRITES DOWN THE ORDER AND LEAVES.

 

JERRY EYES ELAINE INQUISITIVELY.

 

ELAINE

I ate a sandwich on my way here.

 

JERRY

Why?

 

ELAINE

Because I was hungry then, okay?

 

JERRY

And now you're not?

 

ELAINE

No!

(GETS UP)

I'm going to the bathroom.

 

ELAINE WALKS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM.

 

THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE'S COFFEE.

 

WAITRESS

Where's your friend?

 

JERRY

She went to the bathroom.

 

THE WAITRESS POURS SOME COFFEE ON ELAINE'S CUP AND LEAVES. JERRY CONTINUES EATING.

 

A MOMENT LATER, ELAINE RETURNS, VISIBLY UPSET WITH SOMETHING.

 

JERRY

What happened?

 

ELAINE

Nothing.

 

JERRY

Come on, you can tell me.

 

ELAINE

Can or should?

 

JERRY

That's up to you.

 

ELAINE

Forget it. This I'm not telling you.

 

JERRY

Are you upset?

 

ELAINE

Of course I'm upset!

 

JERRY

You see? That's one of the reasons you have to tell me.

 

ELAINE

Because it upset me? You find that amusing?

 

JERRY

Not amusing. More like useful.

 

ELAINE

Okay... I'd probably tell you sooner or later. I... er... I went to the men's bathroom.

 

JERRY

You went to the men's bathroom?!

 

ELAINE

(SHOOS JERRY)

Be quiet!

 

JERRY

Is there anything about you that I'm not aware of?

 

ELAINE

No.

 

JERRY

Any prison time experience that you decided to keep in secrecy?

 

ELAINE

No!

 

JERRY

So why did you do it?

 

ELAINE

I had to. There were no other stalls available. Besides, the stench in there was beyond agonizing. And the floor... Uh! If you stayed at the same place for more than ten seconds you'd be stuck.

 

JERRY

Then what?

 

ELAINE

Well, I came out from there, I walked to the men's bathroom. I opened the door just a snag, y'know? In case something unusual was happening in there.

 

JERRY

What d'you mean "something unusual"?

 

ELAINE

I don't know. It's a men's bathroom, Jerry. People tell strange things about those places.

 

JERRY

People tell strange things about women's bathroom too.

 

ELAINE

Anyway... It was empty. So I got in, I did what I had to do and I came out of there in no time. It took less than thirty seconds.

 

JERRY

That's not the end of the world. You're upset only because of that?

 

ELAINE

Not exactly.

 

JERRY

What?

 

ELAINE

It's just...

 

JERRY

What?!

 

ELAINE

Your bathroom is cleaner than ours. Much, much cleaner. Like a gay bathroom.

 

JERRY

You mean my bathroom or this bathroom?

 

ELAINE

This. But yours is clean too.

 

JERRY

Really?

 

ELAINE

I'm surprised as much as you. I thought men's bathrooms were like pig houses.

 

JERRY

Am I one of those men?

 

ELAINE

Possibly.

 

JERRY

So I'm either a pig or a gay. Hum... I'll take the first one. Not that there's anything wrong with the second one, I just don't enjoy it.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. BUS. DAY

 

GEORGE IS SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE BUS. TO HIS RIGHT THERE IS AN EMPTY SEAT AND AN OLD MAN NEXT TO THE WINDOW. TO HIS LEFT, A MAN IN A EXPENSIVE SUIT, A BRIEFCASE AND A BEGGAR SLEEPING. GEORGE WATCHES THE BRIEFCASE.

 

GEORGE (V. O.)

I wonder what's in there. Maybe it's money. I could use some money right now.

 

THE EXECUTIVE LOOKS TO GEORGE. GEORGE GIVES HIM A FAINT SMILE. THE EXECUTIVE LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.

 

GEORGE (V. O.)

Maybe it's drugs. I heard that these drug dealers are always very neat.

 

THE BUS STOPS. THE EXECUTIVE GETS UP AND EXITS THE BUS.

 

THE BUS STARTS MOVING AGAIN. GEORGE IS STARING AT THE BRIEFCASE.

 

GEORGE (V. O.)

He forgot his briefcase! Should I take it? Just to see what's inside, I mean. That's all. What if he left it here on purpose? Like a switch operation. What if I'm caught? I can't go to prison again! Okay. Okay. Calm down. Let's think about this. So he left his briefcase here. Hum... Well, I guess that it wouldn't kill him if I took the briefcase with me, just to see what's inside, and then return it by mail. Its address must be in there somewhere. Unless, he's really a drug dealer. In that case, I don't think he'd put his address there.

 

GEORGE LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW. HE SEES A BUS STOP GETTING CLOSER.

 

GEORGE (V. O.)

This is it!

 

GEORGE GETS UP AND GRABS THE BRIEFCASE CASUALLY. UNFORTUNATELY THE BRIEFCASE HAS A SMALL CHAIN ATTACHED TO THE BEGGAR'S ARM.

 

THE BEGGAR WAKES UP AND LOOKS TO GEORGE.

 

BEGGAR

Hey! Whatsa matter with you?

 

GEORGE

Sorry! Terribly sorry!

 

GEORGE EXITS THE BUS NERVOUSLY.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONK'S. DAY

 

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE STILL DISCUSSING THE BATHROOM ISSUE.

 

ELAINE

I mean, I went to your bathroom lots of times but I always thought that you were an exception. You expect public bathrooms to be filthy

 

JERRY

No, I don't.

 

GEORGE ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP.

 

GEORGE

Hello everyone!

 

JERRY

Where have you been?

 

GEORGE

Out there, my friend.

 

JERRY

This new attitude of yours, is it just because of what Kramer said or is there something else?

 

GEORGE

I'm changing my life. Now I have a goal to accomplish.

 

JERRY

Having a goal to accomplish has always been your main goal.

 

GEORGE

Yes, but not anymore. Now I have a real goal to accomplish.

 

ELAINE

What is it?

 

GEORGE

According to what Kramer told me, I've developed a theory. A scientific theory.

 

JERRY

All theories are scientific. That's why they're developed by scientists. Because they're scientific.

 

ELAINE

What is it?

 

GEORGE

I don't know how to explain it in a clear way.

 

JERRY

So, how do you know it?

 

GEORGE

I don't know. I just do.

 

ELAINE

(TO THE WAITRESS)

Can I have some more coffee, please?

(TO GEORGE)

Listen George, I have the landlord's number right here. If you're still interested, I mean.

 

GEORGE

Of course I'm still interested.

 

ELAINE TAKES A PIECE OF PAPER FROM HER PURSE AND GIVES IT TO GEORGE. GEORGE PUTS THE PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS POCKET.

 

THE WAITRESS BRINGS MORE COFFEE.

 

ELAINE

Thanks.

 

WAITRESS

(TO GEORGE)

Can I bring you anything?

 

GEORGE

Yes. Let's see...

(LOOKS AT THE MENU)

I want a...

 

JERRY, ELAINE AND THE WAITRESS LOOK TO GEORGE EXPECTANTLY.

 

GEORGE (cont'd)

Tuna fish sandwich.

 

THE WAITRESS WRITES DOWN THE ORDER AND LEAVES.

 

ELAINE

For a moment there I was almost ready for a shock.

 

JERRY

Me too.

 

GEORGE

This is only the beginning.

(GETS UP)

I'm gonna call him now.

 

GEORGE WALKS TO THE PUBLIC PHONE.

 

THE WAITRESS BRINGS HIS TUNA FISH SANDWICH.

 

AFTER A MOMENT, GEORGE RETURNS.

 

GEORGE

All set. I'm gonna see him tomorrow morning.

 

ELAINE

That's great.

 

JERRY

Do you think that's because of your theory?

 

GEORGE

(TAKES A BITE OF HIS SANDWICH)

Probably.

 

JERRY

I could use this theory of yours.

 

GEORGE

Well, you just gonna have to find your own theory, 'cause I'm not telling you what mine is.

 

JERRY

That's because you don't know what it is either.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. DAY

 

KRAMER IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. HE'S NOT WEARING SHOES. HE SNORES VIOLENTLY.

 

THE CURTAINS ARE ALL CLOSED AND THE ONLY LIGHT COMES FROM A THIN SUNBEAM THAT PENETRATES THROUGH THE WINDOW, HITTING THE CARPET.

 

KRAMER MOVES HIS ARM AND THROWS HIS LAMP TO THE FLOOR. THE LAMP BREAKS BUT HE CONTINUES TO SLEEP.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

EXT. DOWNTOWN. DAY

 

WE SEE ALL THE PEOPLE WITH THEIR USUAL RUSH. AT THE SAME TIME, WE SEE GEORGE AMONG THEM, WALKING QUIETLY, OBSERVING EVERYTHING. HE'S LIKE A GRAIN OF SAND IN A VAST OCEAN, BUT HE FLOATS, IGNORING THE CHAOS SURROUNDING HIM.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

 

JERRY IS HAVING BREAKFAST, STILL ON THIS PAJAMAS. KRAMER ENTERS. HE WALKS VERY SLOWLY. EVERY STEP HE GIVES SEEMS TO BE THE MAXIMUM AGONY.

 

KRAMER

Hey.

 

JERRY

What happened?

 

KRAMER LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH AND TAKES HIS SNICKERS AND SOCKS OFF. HIS FEET HAVE TINY PIECES OF GLASS STUCK.

 

KRAMER

Someone broke my lamp. I was sleeping and when I woke up and put my feet on the floor... ouch!

 

JERRY

Isn't it possible that it was you who throw the lamp to the floor?

 

KRAMER

Well, yeah. I mean, I'm somebody, am I not?

 

JERRY

You sure are.

 

KRAMER

I'm going to the hospital this afternoon. You could call an ambulance for me.

 

JERRY

Alright.

 

KRAMER

Hey, how's George? Did he follow my advice?

 

JERRY

Well, I don't know what you've told him, but he sure is different now.

 

KRAMER

Oh well. I guess my theory works after all.

 

JERRY

You have a theory too? What is it?

 

KRAMER

It's scientific.

 

JERRY

I should know that. And George was your guinea pig?

 

KRAMER

And quite a good one, in fact.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT. DAY

 

THE LANDLORD IS SHOWING THE PLACE TO GEORGE.

 

IT'S A TINY ATTIC. THERE IS A WINDOW ON THE TOP OF THE ROOF.

 

GEORGE

How much do you charge for this?

 

LANDLORD

Eight hundred.

 

GEORGE

Isn't that a little too expensive? I mean, I was told that this was a one bed-room apartment, but I was hoping to put here something more than just the bed.

 

LANDLORD

That's why it's so cheap.

 

GEORGE

What about the view?

 

LANDLORD

What about it?

 

GEORGE

I was expecting for a standard window. On the wall.

 

LANDLORD

I'll tell you what, you can stay here for the night. That will give you a better idea.

 

GEORGE

Okay.

 

LANDLORD

I'll leave you in peace.

 

GEORGE

Thank you.

 

THE LANDLORD LEAVES.

 

GEORGE LOOKS TO THE ROOF WINDOW AND SIGHS.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

 

GEORGE IS LYING ON HIS BED, TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP. THE ROOM IS ILLUMINATED BY MOONLIGHT.

 

THE WALLS ARE SO THIN THAT HE CAN HEAR THE SNORING COMING FROM THE OTHER APARTMENTS, ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER NOISES. KIDS CRYING, DOGS BARKING, MEN SHOUTING.

 

GEORGE COVERS HIS HEAD WITH HIS PILLOW, BUT THE NOISE PERSISTS.

 

GEORGE

(SCREAMS)

SHUT UP!!!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

 

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.

 

ELAINE

You heard anything about Kramer?

 

JERRY

Yeah. He called me. He's coming back from the hospital today.

 

ELAINE

I just hope he's more careful next time.

 

JERRY

Don't forget you're talking about Kramer.

 

ELAINE

And?

 

JERRY

And he's like one of those donkeys that you put a carrot in front of his nose and he follows it everywhere.

 

ELAINE

Right.

 

JERRY

What about your landlord friend? Did he tell you anything about George?

 

ELAINE

No.

 

THE BUZZER SOUNDS.

 

JERRY GETS UP AND ANSWERS IT.

 

JERRY

Yeah?

 

GEORGE

(GRUNTS)

Open.

 

JERRY PRESSES THE BUTTON AND RETURNS TO THE COUCH.

 

JERRY

(TO ELAINE)

It's George.

 

ELAINE

George? What's he doing here?

 

JERRY

I don't know. Maybe he didn't like the apartment.

 

GEORGE ENTERS THE APARTMENT. HIS HAIR IS ALL MESSED UP AND HIS EYES CARRY THE WEIGHT OF A LONG SLEEPLESS NIGHT.

 

GEORGE

Hello.

 

JERRY

What happened?

 

ELAINE

You didn't like the apartment?

 

GEORGE

Let's see... It was like you described it. A one bed-room, with a great view. Oh! I mustn't forget this, it had wooden walls. I just love wooden walls.

 

JERRY

So what's wrong with it?

 

GEORGE

Well, for start, the place is so small it doesn't have room for anymore furniture besides the bed, the window is on the roof and the walls are so thin you can hear people's snoring from the entire building.

 

ELAINE

So, what did you do?

 

GEORGE

I turned it down. What was I supposed to do?

 

ELAINE

You turned it down? How could you turned it down?

 

JERRY

So much for your fee.

 

GEORGE

What fee?

 

ELAINE GRINS.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONK'S. DAY

 

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE HAVING LUNCH.

 

JERRY

So, what're you gonna do now?

 

GEORGE

Well, I decided to return to my origins.

 

JERRY

I guess your theory didn't work after all.

 

GEORGE

I'm developing a new one.

 

KRAMER SHOWS UP AND JOINS THEM. HE'S WEARING A PAIR OF CRUTCHES.

 

KRAMER

Hey you guys.

 

JERRY

Hey! You're back! How's your feet?

 

KRAMER

Well, the doctor told me that I have to use this for the rest of the week and then that's it.

 

ELAINE

Then what?

 

KRAMER

I'm thinking of joining the Hindus.

 

JERRY

What for?

 

KRAMER

They have a way of walking on broken glass and hot lava without hurting their feet.

 

JERRY

I know that. Itís called shoes.

 

ELAINE

I don't think that's the Hindus.

 

GEORGE

Why do you want to learn that?

 

KRAMER

In case this happens again. Accidents like this are very fond of happening.

 

JERRY

Specially when you're involved.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

 

JERRY

Of all the things humans do, I think moving to another apartment has one of the highest rates of stupidity. Here you have this guy, he's ready to make some significant changes in his life, he's about to get married, maybe even starting a new company. What does he do? He moves to an apartment on the other side of the street. What kind of renewal is he trying to make in his life? What's gonna happen next? He buys a car, he moves to the upper floor. Then he has a son and he moves a few blocks away.

I would say that if you're moving to a new apartment then don't just move to a new apartment, move to a different town, a different state, a different country. Then you'll see what moving really is.

 

 

THE END

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