THE LIFE DOWNTOWN

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

Joel G. Gomes

July 2002

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

JERRY

Unlike most people do, I consider stress to be a wonderful thing. And the reason for this is that I'm not part of it. I look around, I see all those people walking with their suitcases and their papers, y'know? It amazes me that they never stay too much time at the same place. They move at light speed. One minute they're here, the next... gone. Never to be seen again.

I like to find stressed people on public places cause they're always in such a rush, I don't have to wait long for a spot.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ENTER THE APARTMENT.

GEORGE

Look, Jerry, just because you have a girlfriend, money and a good job and your own apartment, it doesn't' mean that you're in a better position in life than me! Okay! Maybe it does. But that's not the point! The point is that you have to deserve what you got and I don't think you do.

JERRY

Yeah. Like you do.

GEORGE

No, you do.

KRAMER

Why are you complaining?

GEORGE

Huh?

KRAMER

You're saying you have no girlfriend, no money, no independence... You know why?

GEORGE

No. Why?

KRAMER

Because you don't fight!

GEORGE

I'm not a violent man, Kramer.

KRAMER

No, I mean fighting for a chance, having a dream and trying to fulfill it! Go out there and exploit the world!

JERRY

Don't you mean, "explore" the world?

KRAMER (cont'd)

(NOT LISTENING)

See the beauty in it!

JERRY

What beauty?

GEORGE

I don't know. I think I'd rather stay here.

KRAMER

That's what's keeping you away from being happy.

GEORGE

What?

KRAMER

Your poor sense of adventure.

JERRY

More like his great sense of bad luck.

GEORGE IS QUIET FOR A SECOND. JERRY AND KRAMER WATCH HIM SILENTLY.

GEORGE

Okay. Okay. I think you have a point Kramer. It's time I do something with my life. Otherwise I might just...

KRAMER

You might just... what?

GEORGE

Whatever... Jerry, I'm going.

JERRY

That's great.

GEORGE

I'll pick up my stuff later, okay?

JERRY

Sure. No problem. Do you have any idea where you're going?

GEORGE

No.

JERRY

Well, that's gonna be quiet an adventure.

KRAMER

(WALKS TO THE DOOR)

I think I'm gonna have some sleep now.

JERRY

Peasant dreams.

KRAMER EXITS.

GEORGE

Shouldn't it be "pleasant" dreams?

JERRY

I don't know. Whatever it fits better, I guess.

GEORGE

Why is he sleeping in the middle of the day? He's been doing this for the last three days.

JERRY

Insomnia, I guess. Or maybe it's one of his therapies.

THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY GOES ANSWER IT.

JERRY

Yeah?

ELAINE (V. O.)

It's Elaine.

JERRY

Come on up.

(TO GEORGE)

Do you have anything on your mind?

GEORGE

No, my mind is a blank right now.

JERRY

I'm talking about a place to live, not your regular brain functions.

GEORGE

I'm not sure.

ELAINE ENTERS.

ELAINE

Hi.

JERRY

Hi.

GEORGE

Hi, Elaine.

(to Jerry)

I'm thinking maybe some place quiet with a good location. And a view. It has to have a view.

JERRY

All apartments have a view.

GEORGE

As long as that view is not a building.

JERRY

You're not expecting green flowered hills, are you?

ELAINE

What're you two talking about?

JERRY

George is looking for an apartment.

GEORGE

Why do you have to answer for me all the time? I'm capable of speak, y'know?

(TO ELAINE)

I'm looking for an apartment.

ELAINE

I know, Jerry told me.

GEORGE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

JERRY SMILES MOCKINGLY.

ELAINE

(TO GEORGE)

Hey, y'know what? There's a free apartment on a building three blocks away from me.

GEORGE

Is that in downtown?

ELAINE

Yup. It's a one-bedroom apartment.

GEORGE

A one bed-room apartment? That's great!

ELAINE

Yeah, the guy that was living on the top floor moved recently. The place is very cheap cause the landlord can't find anyone. Are you interested?

GEORGE

Is it quiet?

ELAINE

Absolutely. I mean, it's in downtown, but... yes. It's like an oasis in the middle of the desert.

JERRY

A mirage is more likely.

GEORGE

What about the rent?

ELAINE

It's eight hundred dollars.

GEORGE

That's not bad.

JERRY

The lesser the better.

GEORGE

How do I get in touch with the landlord?

ELAINE

I'll give you his number.

GEORGE

Okay.

(WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING)

Jerry, do you have a pen?

JERRY

Check out the kitchen drawer.

GEORGE

(WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES A PEN FROM THE DRAWER)

Why do you keep a pen on your kitchen drawer?

JERRY

It's as good as any other place.

GEORGE

(GRABS A PIECE OF PAPER)

Alright, what's the number?

ELAINE

Are you talking to me?

GEORGE

Yes.

ELAINE

I can't give you his number right now, George.

GEORGE

What d'you mean you can't give me his number right now? I went through all this trouble just to find a pen and now you're telling me that you can't give me his number? Now, you listen to me... I want that number... now.

ELAINE

I can't.

GEORGE

Why not?

ELAINE

Cause I don't have it here with me.

GEORGE

You could've said something.

ELAINE

How was I supposed to know?

GEORGE

Fine.

(WALKS TO THE DOOR)

I'll see you guys later.

JERRY

Where are you going?

GEORGE

(TURNS BACK AND SMILES)

To see the world, my friend! To see the world!

(EXITS)

JERRY

So...

GEORGE REENTERS THE APARTMENT.

GEORGE

This is gonna be the turning point in my life!

GEORGE EXITS AGAIN. JERRY AND ELAINE WAIT A FEW SECONDS BUT THIS TIME, GEORGE DOESN'T RETURN.

JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN. ELAINE SITS ON A CHAIR.

JERRY

So, what's the deal?

ELAINE

About what?

JERRY

You know...

ELAINE

No, what?

JERRY

About the apartment...

ELAINE

(SWALLOWS)

What about it?

JERRY

Come one! Do I have to spell it out?

ELAINE

You could, 'cause I have no idea what're you talking about.

JERRY

Alright. How much is the landlord paying you?

ELAINE

Jerry!

JERRY

Come on, Elaine.

ELAINE

Thirty per cent.

JERRY

On eight hundred dollars? That's a great amount of money just to find a tenant.

ELAINE

I know. He's really desperate cause no one wants to live in an attic these days.

JERRY

I thought you said it was a one-bedroom apartment.

ELAINE

In downtown? For eight hundred dollars? Are you crazy?

JERRY

Have you slept with him yet?

ELAINE

Jerry!

JERRY

Well?

JERRY STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR. ELAINE FOLLOWS HIM.

ELAINE

Yes.

ELAINE EXITS.

JERRY

I guess he's really desperate then.

JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. DAY

JERRY IS HAVING LUNCH. ELAINE SHOWS UP AND JOINS HIM.

ELAINE

Have you seen George?

JERRY

No. He's still out there.

ELAINE

He hasn't returned in two days? Where's he sleeping?

JERRY

Wherever the world grants him with a shelter, I think.

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE.

WAITRESS

What will it be?

ELAINE

Just coffee, please.

THE WAITRESS WRITES DOWN THE ORDER AND LEAVES.

JERRY EYES ELAINE INQUISITIVELY.

ELAINE

I ate a sandwich on my way here.

JERRY

Why?

ELAINE

Because I was hungry then, okay?

JERRY

And now you're not?

ELAINE

No!

(GETS UP)

I'm going to the bathroom.

ELAINE WALKS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM.

THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE'S COFFEE.

WAITRESS

Where's your friend?

JERRY

She went to the bathroom.

THE WAITRESS POURS SOME COFFEE ON ELAINE'S CUP AND LEAVES. JERRY CONTINUES EATING.

A MOMENT LATER, ELAINE RETURNS, VISIBLY UPSET WITH SOMETHING.

JERRY

What happened?

ELAINE

Nothing.

JERRY

Come on, you can tell me.

ELAINE

Can or should?

JERRY

That's up to you.

ELAINE

Forget it. This I'm not telling you.

JERRY

Are you upset?

ELAINE

Of course I'm upset!

JERRY

You see? That's one of the reasons you have to tell me.

ELAINE

Because it upset me? You find that amusing?

JERRY

Not amusing. More like useful.

ELAINE

Okay... I'd probably tell you sooner or later. I... er... I went to the men's bathroom.

JERRY

You went to the men's bathroom?!

ELAINE

(SHOOS JERRY)

Be quiet!

JERRY

Is there anything about you that I'm not aware of?

ELAINE

No.

JERRY

Any prison time experience that you decided to keep in secrecy?

ELAINE

No!

JERRY

So why did you do it?

ELAINE

I had to. There were no other stalls available. Besides, the stench in there was beyond agonizing. And the floor... Uh! If you stayed at the same place for more than ten seconds you'd be stuck.

JERRY

Then what?

ELAINE

Well, I came out from there, I walked to the men's bathroom. I opened the door just a snag, y'know? In case something unusual was happening in there.

JERRY