"The last Seinfeld"

By: Butch Mulkey

SCENE 1:

Bass guitar run brings us to club scene. Jerry is on stage in the middle

of his stand-up act. He stands in the spotlight with the microphone in

his hand.

JERRY: So many Rap artists are named Ice. Ice T, Ice cube, Ice Tray,

Vanilla Ice. I think they should just go ahead and make it a

rule. You have to have an Ice name to be a rapper. There's

plenty of names unused. Ice Berg, Ice Bag, Ice Chest, Ice Cold,

           Hawaiian Ice, The Ice Girls, Ice Cream, Icy Hot, Ice Box, Ice

            Tongs, Ice Skate, Ice Man, Ice Axe, Ice Storm, Thin Ice, Ice

            Pick, Ice Age, Iced Capuccino, and my personal favorite,

            Ice Hole.

Applause

JERRY: You know; we're not really going to send people to Mars. It just

costs too much. We've already done the easy stuff and nobody is

impressed any more. The space program is pretty much over. We

need to go ahead and spend the money on something else. And

what's all this traffic to Mir, the Russian space station? We

keep going up there, and resupplying and hanging out, but what

are they doing besides duct taping the place together? Are they

inventing better ways to get TV reception? A way to keep slow

people out of the left lane? A way to keep mayonnaise from

turning into a deadly poison when exposed to tuna? Let's just

toss a rope onto the place, tow it home and sell it for scrap.

It pays to recycle.

Applause as we fade to commercial

SCENE 2:

Background music of Russian men's military chorus.

A Cosmonaut on a space walk is floating tethered outside what appears to

be the Mir Spacestation, doing some repair work. He can be heard

mumbling in Russian. He attaches a short tether to a stanchion and

begins to tug on an outside hatch lever. The lever is titanium but the

axle bolt is chrome steel. Having gone through many thermal cycles the

cap on the not well made bolt breaks off sending the cosmonaut tumbling

where he comes to a jerking halt at the end of the tether. He curses

loudly in Russian. Still spinning but regaining control, he touches his

feet to the hull of the station and violently hurls the lever away.

Although it weighs nothing in space and was built for lightness, it would

weigh about 4 kilograms on Earth at sea level.

A backup view shows the tumbling lever traveling in contrast to the green

continent of Africa on a field of blue ocean on a fair day.

SCENE 3:

Kramer is leaning over the seat of a cab talking excitedly to a bearded

driver, who answers in a heavy accent. We come in on the end of the

conversation.

KRAMER: So it's a deal, you give it to me, and I get you four tickets to

the Islanders' game.

CABBIE: Da.

KRAMER: And you're sure I can sell it.

CABBIE: Da, da, da.

KRAMER: For a lot of money?

CABBIE: Da, da, yes, yes, yes. A lot of money.

KRAMER: OK. Deal. Say, you can let me out here.

The cab stops in front of Jerry's building. Kramer gets out carrying a

heavy cylindrical container.

SCENE 3:

Mujahadin headquarters in Pakistan. Bearded men in turbans and desert

clothing are checking weapons and storing ammunition. Several sit at a

low table, which is actually a wooden ammo chest. Muslim chanting and

sitar music can be heard coming from the outside, in the background.

BABU: This Great Satan Jerry Seinfeld must be stopped. He is a bad bad

bad man. I swear before Allah and the Prophet, I will not rest

until he pays for his crime.

ACHMED: What are the crimes of this infidel? How has he so kindled your

wrath?

BABU: My brother made great sacrifices to bring me to America. I was

to bring the family after my restaurant was successful. The

            devil Jerry Seinfeld caused me to lose my business and I, my

            brother and his whole family were deported in great shame.

            I will have my revenge.

The camera fades back as Babu continuously stabs a bayonet into the top

of the wooden ammo chest.

SCENE 4:

Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee house in their usual booth. In

rushes George.

GEORGE: (excitedly) Did you hear the news? Joe Duvola is out loose

again. Tim Watley saw him strolling through the park. He was

wearing a bandanna. A red bandanna, tied around his head like

            some gang banger.

JERRY: Tim Watley? Where did you see that Bozo?

GEORGE: (even more excitedly) Jerry? Are you listening? I said Joe

Duvola is out. You know he wants to get me. He wants to get

you. He wants to get everybody! Nobody's safe! Nobody I tell

you!

JERRY: So where did you run into Tim Watley?

GEORGE: (appealing) Elaine, can you get his attention. We're talking

real danger here. Duvola's a homicidal maniac. He could do

anything! Anything!

JERRY: Calm down. Duvola must be back on his medication. They wouldn't

let him out if he was dangerous. Forget about it.

ELAINE: My god! I can't believe this. Do you see who's coming in here?

George and Jerry turn to the entrance.

JERRY: Sue Ellen Mischkye. What nerve.

Sue Ellen turns and feigns surprise at seeing the three of them. She

removes her coat, as she walks over to their booth. Her most prominent

feature is not surprisingly straining against the fabric of her pullover.

ELAINE: (in her phony voice) Sue Ellen; how nice to see you.

SUE: (smiling, turning from Elaine to Jerry) I'm glad to see you're

OK; considering.

JERRY: (showing consternation) Considering what?

SUE: Oh, you haven't heard? Howard Stern is really giving you Hell

on his radio show. Everybody's talking about it.

JERRY: Howard Stern? Me? Hell? What have I ever done to that hack? His

whole show is trying to get some guest to talk dirty or undress.

He's about as entertaining as the Pillsbury Slack-Off. What did

he say? Is he downgrading my act?

SUE: Your act, your lifestyle, your looks, your love life,

everything. He's really giving it to you. Oh sorry, gotta go.

Good to see you.

Sue Ellen turns and walks away.

ELAINE: I hate that smug tramp.

GEORGE: Howard Stern?

ELAINE: No; Sue Ellen.

JERRY: Can you believe this Stern character? How could he be picking on

me? What have I done?

GEORGE: Yea, everybody's talking about it. I assumed you knew. No big

deal. Who pays attention to Stern? Should I have the Tuna melt,

or maybe the Turkey Club?

SCENE 5:

Central park. Joe Duvola is standing in the path staring blankly at a

park bench. It's an empty look, and he is obviously off his medication.

A team of 4 corporate looking joggers trot onto the scene from the left.

JOGGER 1: Hey pal, you're blocking the path.

JOE: (turning) Blocking?

JOG 1: Yea, blocking. What's the problem with your ears? Or are you

just too dumb to understand?

The other joggers laugh as they jog in place.

The camera zooms close to Joe Duvola's face. His eyes are deep and

blank.

JOE: (a statement) blocking.

JOG 2: Yea, blocking. What are you crazy?

DUVOLA: The Park. It isn't happy. It needs to be scourged.

JOG 1: You ARE nuts.

The camera zooms back in on Joe as he turns. Eyes still blank. The

sound of a piano string snapping.

Fade to scene 6

SCENE 6:

The Earth, viewed from space. A metal object speeds into camera range

and goes whistling past. The closest view reveals it to be the Titanium

Latch thrown from Mir by the angry cosmonaut.

Music can be heard to increase from the background. It is Wagner's "Ride

of the Valkyrie", (for those of you less classically cognizant it's "Kill

the Wabbit" ). The volume continues to rise.

Fade to commercial.

SCENE 7:

Jerry's apartment. Jerry is standing in thought. George is seated on

the sofa thumbing a magazine. Elaine is searching in the refrigerator.

JERRY: I gotta do something about Stern. I can't let him get away with

this.

GEORGE: (absently) Let it go.

JERRY: No way. He's got to pay.

GEORGE: Just, let it go. (A wave of his hand without looking up)

JERRY: I'm gonna go down there, on his show and really let him have it.

GEORGE: (still absently without looking up) Bad idea. Trust me here.

Just let it go.

JERRY: How can you say that?

GEORGE: Look. You go down there. You're in his territory. On his Turf.

In his world. You can't win. It's what he does for a living.

You've got to attack him from the unexpected quarter. Blind side

him. Hit and run. Punch and duck. Bob and weave. Stick and

move. (George stands and does a little boxing pantomime.)

JERRY: You're making no sense. None.

ELAINE: (bunching her hair up with both hands) Do you think I'd look

good with short hair? Would it make my breasts look bigger?

(She juts her chest and walks to the mirror)

JERRY: (loudly) I'm going down there now. Who's with me?

GEORGE: (meekly) I'm out.

ELAINE: Sorry, I'm meeting Putty at the theater.

GEORGE: You? And Putty? You're back together?

JERRY: You were broke up?

ELAINE: Ehn. You know.

JERRY: Know what? You're on, you're off. Nobody knows. It's like the

Perot candidacy.

ELAINE: Well, he is an idiot, but he's spongeworthy.

GEORGE: Again with the spongeworthy.

            Kramer bursts in and skids to a stop.

KRAMER: Hey, you're not going to believe this.

GEORGE: An easy statement for you to make.

KRAMER: Yea, well just listen to this. You know what I have in my

apartment even as we speak?

JERRY: I don't know. A Camel?

GEORGE: I gotta go with a submarine.

KRAMER: No this is for real. (in an excited conspiratorial tone) I've

got 8 kilograms of weapons grade plutonium. Eight kilograms

Jerry. That's like twenty pounds. And you know what that

stuff's worth? Huh?

JERRY: No. Do you?

KRAMER: Well, no, but it's a lot. This stuff's hotter than gold. I'm

gonna be rich.

ELAINE: Isn't that stuff dangerous?

KRAMER: No way. It can't explode without a triggering device, everybody

knows that.

ELAINE: I mean can't you get gamma rays, or photons or something?

KRAMER: Nah. It's in this big lead capped cylinder. Wanna see it? Come

on. We have to make sure no one else knows about this. Can't be

too careful.

JERRY: No way. I'm not going near that thing.

GEORGE: (leaving) Kramer, you have finally lost it.

JERRY: I'm going down and give Howard Stern a piece of my mind.

SCENE 8:

Central park. Four obviously beaten joggers are scattered about

the bushes. Rolling and groaning, they return to consciousness.

Jog 1: Is he gone?

Jog 3: Who was that nut?

Jog 2: I've never seen anybody move that fast.

fade to commercial

SCENE 9:

Jerry enters a cab.

JERRY: Take me to the Howard Stern show.

CABBIE: Aren't you Jerry Seinfeld? Howard's been talking about you.

JERRY: Yea. Well this is Howard's end.

CABBIE: So you're going down there for a showdown.

JERRY: Just drive.

The cabbie shrugs and pulls away.

SCENE 10:

Kramer is standing in his apartment. He has the lid off the

Plutonium container. A greenish glow lights up his face.

KRAMER: (to himself) Hey momma, this is all right. This could light up

           and heat the place. No more electrical bills. Yea.

Newman knocks on the door and enters.

NEWMAN: What in the world is this?

KRAMER: Can you keep a secret?

NEWMAN: You know me.

KRAMER: Yea, That's why I asked.

NEWMAN: OK. Out with it Kramer. What's in the tube.

Newman bends to look at the Plutonium.

KRAMER: Cylinder. It's not a tube it's a cylinder. Anyway, it's

plutonium. Weapons grade. The best.

NEWMAN: (Jumping back) Are you nuts? That stuff is dangerous.

KRAMER: No way man. I've had it in here for hours.

NEWMAN: Is that why you have that sunburnt look?

KRAMER: (looking in the mirror) Hey. Another benefit. Quick tanning.

NEWMAN: (worried) Excuse me. I gotta go.

Newman rushes out into the hall and slams the door.

He turns and finds Joe Duvola staring at Jerry's apartment door.

DUVOLA: So where are they?

NEWMAN: (sweating) Who?

DUVOLA: The Seinfeld people.

NEWMAN: I don't know. I gotta go.

Newman turns to go but Duvola grabs him.

DUVOLA: Let's look for them together.

He leads a worried Newman off to the stairs.

Fade to commercial

SCENE 11:

Back in Kramer's apartment. He sits in front of the cylinder

with the glowing open top, and is using a wire coat hanger to

roast a sizzling hot dog over the opening. His face is

blistering and peeling.

Kramer: Oh yea. This is it.

He brushes his hand back through his hair, and large tufts of it

come loose. He looks at it, then places it on a table nearby.

(Change point of view to outside his window where a greenish

yellow glow pulses from within.)

SCENE 12:

The roof of Jerry's building. Traffic sounds can be heard from

the street. Newman is cowering. Duvola is still holding him by

the arm.

NEWMAN: We've looked everywhere; every floor in the building. I've gotta

go now.

DUVOLA: We still haven't looked down there. (he indicates the street,

over the edge of the roof.)

NEWMAN: Yea, that's a good idea. Let's go. (he turns to walk back in,

but is restrained by Duvola.

DUVOLA: I know a shortcut. (He calmly walks them to the edge of the roof

            Newman struggling.)

(Change point of view to the street outside of Jerry's building)

Tragically, Uncle Leo has chosen this moment to get in a heated

argument with Frank Costanza.

LEO: An anti-semite! That's what you are. You're a blatant

            anti-semite! I can't believe you!

FRANK: What!? You can't call me an anti-semite! You're nothing but a

           Hebrew Bigot.

LEO: Ah ha! Ah ha! That proves it! Anti-semite! Anti-semite!

FRANK: Anti-semite?! You can't call me anti-semite, you Jew Bastard!

LEO: I'll show you a.........

A shadow rapidly falls over the two and they look up, expressions

            changing from anger to horror.

            Fade out. Fade in.

            Change Point of view to across the street. The area is roped off

for a crime scene and police and spectators are wondering around.

A cop is interviewing an excited middle aged woman.

WOMAN: I saw the whole thing! It was incredible. I was just telling my

neighbor Val...

COP:    (interrupting) Just tell me what happened, in order. Slowly so I

can take notes.

WOMAN: Well, I came out of the building and I heard arguing. It was

these two old guys, (she points to two outlined figures on the

sidewalk covered in sheets.) I was sure they were going to

fight. A crowd was gathering.

COP:    And then?

WOMAN: And then I look up on the roof and I see these other two guys

arguing. I think, `What in the heck is wrong with people in this

city? Can't we all just get along?' I mean, you'd think people

would try to be kinder to each other; but no...

COP:    (Interrupting) Please, just tell me the rest of what happened.

WOMAN: Well. Like I said, I see this fat guy and this other guy up on

the roof and I know something is wrong because they're struggling

like. Then, next thing I know, Here they come, right off the

roof, and these guys who are about to fight, they didn't have

time to move. It was awful!

COP:    Exactly what happened? On the roof?

WOMAN: Well, they started grappling and just came over the side, without

a word.

COP:    Now you mean they both jumped?

WOMAN: No, I'm pretty sure the fat one grabbed the other one and jumped.

The other guy seemed to be trying to get away. Yea. It was the

fat one that did it. He's a postman you know. I could tell by

the uniform. Those guys need to be watched. They're a ticking

time bomb. Ticking.

COP:    Just concentrate. What did you see?

WOMAN: Well you can pretty well tell by where everything wound up.

COP:    Just tell me what you remember.

WOMAN: The one old guy grabbed the other one, you know, to fight, and

just then they both looked up. And then it happened.

COP: Yes?

WOMAN: Well. That's when the fat guy came down and hit both of them.

it was a terrible sound. It was like someone hit a huge bag of

potatoes with a ball bat. It was awful. They didn't have a

chance.

COP:    And the other guy?

WOMAN: OK. That was the real amazing thing. When he hit that awning

and bounced into that cart full of bananas it must have been like

padding or something, because he doesn't even seem to be hurt.

            Cutaway to Duvola sitting on a stretcher near an ambulance. One

medic is taking his blood pressure while another wipes banana off

his clothes.

MEDIC 1: Blood pressure right on. 122 over 80. Looks like you're

perfectly fine, but we better get you into the hospital for a

full checkup.

DUVOLA: Do you know where the Seinfeld people are:

MEDIC: What?

            Fade to commercial

SCENE 13:

The background is a closer view from space of the East Coast of

            the United States. "The ride of the Valkyrie" plays in the

            background with volume increasing as we see the titanium lever

            coming into the atmosphere. It is glowing red with the heat of

            re-entry.

SCENE 14:

NYC streets. Traffic is moderate. Elaine and Putty are riding

in his car arguing.

ELAINE: I KNOW you switch lanes too much.

PUTTY: No way! I keep up with the exact flux of traffic and make

judicious lane choices at the precise optimum time. It's a

driving Zen thing. You wouldn't understand.

            He switches lanes.

ELAINE: I what? There! There! You did it again.

PUTTY: What?

ELAINE: Switched Lanes for no reason. There you go switching back for no

reason! You're doing that on purpose; just to show me.

PUTTY: No. It's very scientific. I told you you wouldn't understand.

ELAINE: Understand?! I'll show you.

            Elaine grabs for the steering wheel. Putty tries to push her

away.

            Flash to new Scene

SCENE 15:

            Jerry is exiting from a cab paying the drive through the window.

He is still hot. As the camera backs away the scene expands and

you can see Howard Stern and his entourage exiting a nearby

building.

JERRY: Hey you. Wait up there. I want to know what's going on with you

trashing my life.

STERN: Seinfeld. I don't believe it. You finally had the guts to show

up. Too bad we're off the air now.

JERRY: I'll show you air. Tell your goons to back off. This is just me

and you and it's go time!

STERN: Go time?

JERRY: That's right. (he screams) MANDLEBAUM, MANDLEBAUM, MANDLEBAUM.

            Jerry rushes toward Stern, who grabs a woman to hold in front of

him.

            Flash to new scene.

SCENE 16:

            The inside of a closed van. There are several heavily armed

Muslim terrorists led by Babu. They are very serious looking.

One peeks out a small side window.

BABU: You are sure the information is correct? The devil Jerry

Seinfeld is coming here, now?

ACHMED: Yes. He has taken a cab and will be here very soon.

BABU: And I will at last have my revenge.

ACHMED: Praise Allah.

BABU: Praise Allah. (a close-up shows a distant stare on his face.)

MUSTAFAH: He is here! The infidel! He is here!

BABU: Jerry Seinfeld? Now at last, I will have peace. Prepare to

attack.

            The rear door of the van is opened and the men begin to emerge.

            Flash to new scene.

SCENE 17:

            Elaine, in Putty's car is still grabbing at the steering wheel.

He is attempting to fight her off. As we pan back you can see

the car careening from lane to lane, tires screeching.

PUTTY: Let Go!

ELAINE: No!

            As the car comes around a corner, we can see the crowd gathering

around Jerry and Stern. The car is headed directly at them. In

the foreground, you can see the rear door of a van opening from

the inside.

ELAINE: My God! We're going to hit them!

            Putty looks up, let's go of the wheel, and puts his arms over his

face. Elaine yanks the wheel hard to the right. Tire screech

and now the car is headed directly at the van.

            The four Muslims are staring wide eyed in terror.

            Jerry and the Stern entourage turn to stare at the bigger

disturbance.

BABU: ALLAH!

ACHMED: AAAIIIIIEEEEE!

MUSTAFAH: Mommy!

            There is a tremendous crash followed by an explosion as the car

and van are engulfed in flames. There is a burst of automatic

weapons fire as the terrorists go down, and bullets ricochet off

the building front. Everyone on the sidewalks has hit the

ground.

            As they get back up they all notice that Stern is still lying

there, sunglasses broken, bleeding from the crotch.

            Fade to next scene

SCENE 18:

          Kramer's apartment. The yellow-green glow is still apparent.

Kramer is sitting over the cylinder grinning, showing bleeding

gums. His skin is blistered to the point of raw skull bone

showing though. He is completely bald. He is shaking

uncontrollably. On the table before him, a row of 30 or so teeth

of various description are lined up, along with a great pile of

his hair, and some other unidentifiable body parts.

KRAMER: Oh yea!

            His eyes roll back and he falls over.

            Fade to commercial

SCENE 19:

            New York City viewed from space. "The Ride of the Valkyrie" is

now playing very loud. The red hot lever goes sizzling past,

obviously heading for the Big Apple.

            Cut to new scene

SCENE 20:

            George and Jerry, wearing suits, are walking away from a crowd at

a cemetery.

JERRY: It's weird, your dad being gone and all. And Uncle Leo. And how

it happened.

GEORGE: To tell you truth, I never expected him to last this long. And

you know Leo was overdue. But Duvola, and Newman? Go figure.

JERRY: At least that nutcase Duvola is put away for good. And you know,

its pretty weird how Putty and Elaine disappeared. Where do you

suppose they went?

GEORGE: Aw, one of them probably won the lottery and moved away to

Tahiti, and the other one went along just to make them miserable.

JERRY: Yea. Too bad about Kramer. Are they sure that was him? He kind

of looked like that blackened redfish you get at the Cajun place.

GEORGE: Don't get me started on the Cajun place.

JERRY: Oh right. Say, isn't this the same cemetery where Susan was

buried?

GEORGE: Oh yea. I think it was somewhere right around here. Let's see,

there's the big oak, then the mausoleum. I think it was just

over there.

George starts toward another section of the cemetery. Jerry

absently follows. George's mother comes out of the crowd and

starts to screech at him.

MRS. C: George, what am I going to do?! I don't know what I'm going to

do. Frank's gone.

GEORGE: Come on now Ma. (Under his breath) Do you believe this? Now

she doesn't have anybody to hate. Life has lost it's meaning.

MRS. C: George! I heard that. You come back here. George! I'm talking

to you. George! GEORGE!

JERRY: George, maybe you should..

GEORGE: (Interrupting) No peace. No peace Jerry. As long as one of them

is alive; no peace.

MRS. C: George. You wait for your mother. George.

JERRY: I'm getting out of this.

GEORGE: No wait. Here it is.

            He points to Susan's grave.

MRS. C: (screeching) George! George, listen to me.

            The air is split with a loud whistling sound. "The ride of the

Valkyrie" begins low and increases in volume. The crowd at the

funeral looks up to see an object streaking from the sky at

tremendous speed. Individually, you see Jerry and then George

look up.

MRS. C: GEOOOOORGE!

            She hears the whistling and finally looks up. Too late.

            There is a terrible sound like a vault door slamming shut. The

crowd all turns away as one. Focus on a stunned Jerry, then

George. They look at each other.

GEORGE: Unbelievable!

JERRY: Go Figure.

            Fade to commercial.

SCENE 21:

            An apparently empty room in the high security mental ward of a

hospital. As the camera travels past a table a man is revealed.

He is lying in the floor in his underwear and is trussed up and

gagged using a tremendous amount of adhesive tape. He is

struggling to free himself as he makes muffled groans. An

inmate's hospital clothing lies nearby.

            Flash scene change to the security gate of the mental ward. A

guard is opening the gate.

GUARD: I hope the patient behaved better this time doctor Stein.

DOCTOR: (muffled) Sure. See you later.

GUARD: See you next week.

            The `Doctor' exits and walks out onto a deserted rain wet street.

As he looks up, the camera gets a close-up of the face of, Joe

Duvola.

                        Run credits