THE INDIAN

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

Joel G. Gomes

September 2002

INT. AMY'S BEDROOM. NIGHT

DARKNESS.

JERRY AND AMY ARE UNDER THE SHEETS.

AMY MOANS AND SCREAMS.

AFTER A WHILE, IT STOPS.

JERRY TURNS THE LIGHT ON.

AMY

What's wrong?

JERRY

I'm sorry. I can't go on.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. DAY

JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.

KRAMER IS DISTURBLING QUIET.

GEORGE

How are things between you and Amy?

JERRY

Not very well, actually. She says I'm too fast.

GEORGE

Too fast for what?

JERRY

She says she doesn't have time to do anything.

GEORGE

What d'you mean "anything"?

JERRY

It's not my fault! By the time she's reaching the best part I've already left!

GEORGE

Oh! I see...

KRAMER

How long do you take?

JERRY

I don't know. The usual, I guess. I never used a chronometer to check the time.

GEORGE

Perhaps you should consider that.

JERRY

Yeah, perhaps.

KRAMER

What about her?

JERRY

I'm not sure. An hour maybe. I never saw anything actually. I can only go as far as thirty minutes. That's the best I can do.

GEORGE

So how do you know that she takes an hour to be pleased?

JERRY

It's just speculation. You see, she used to go out with Nick Frenz.

GEORGE

Nick Frenz. Hey! I remember him! We went to college with us, right?

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

I haven't seen him in years! How is he? How is he?

JERRY

He's an alcoholic now. He started drinking in order to reduce is timing but the time lapse was too big. But anyway, he said that his best time retaining was forty-five minutes.

GEORGE

"Retaining"?

JERRY

What's wrong with "retaining"?

KRAMER

Maybe it's not her problem.

JERRY

What d'you mean?

KRAMER

I mean that maybe it is you who's too fast for her normal speed.

JERRY

But her normal speed is too slow for me!

KRAMER

You have to try and be slower than what she is and she has to be faster than what you are. Then and only then shall you two have a well-balanced and mutually sexual satisfactory relationship.

GEORGE

Where the hell did you come up with that?

KRAMER

It's part of my new philosophy of life.

JERRY

Is that your new theory?

KRAMER

No. You mean I haven't told you yet?

JERRY

Told what?

KRAMER

Yesterday I got a letter from the NANAD.

JERRY AND GEORGE DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

KRAMER

You know! National Association of Native American Descendants!

JERRY

Oh!

GEORGE

Right! NANAD!

JERRY

And that is...?

KRAMER

Indians, Jerry! Indians! According to the letter my great great grandfather was Cheyenne. And now they want me to be a part of their group.

JERRY

To do what?

KRAMER

I don't know.

GEORGE

Maybe it's like one of those clubs you have to wear a special outfit to get in.

JERRY

Like that "hat-with-feathers".

GEORGE

I always wanted to wear one of those!

(TO KRAMER)

Are you allowed to wear one?

KRAMER

I don't know yet.

JERRY

So, what're you planning on doing?

KRAMER

Well, for a start I bought an Indian pipe and I'm organizing a smoking session tonight.

JERRY

Again? Kramer, you remember what happened the last time you decided to do that? You wanna go through all that again?

KRAMER

Things will be different this time.

JERRY

And why is that?

KRAMER

I'll keep my windows open.

JERRY

The windows are not the problem. It's your teeth. They're gonna get all brown again.

KRAMER

I admit there's a slight chance of that happening. So I took some precautions.

GEORGE

Like what?

KRAMER

I bought ten boxes of whitener.

CUT TO:

INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY

PETERMAN IS WATCHING A CATALOG. HE IS VERY FOCUSED.THERE'S A LIGHT KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

PETERMAN

(CONTINUES READING)

Come in.

THE DOOR OPENS AND ELAINE ENTERS.

ELAINE

You wanted to see me, Mr. Peterman?

PETERMAN

(STILL READING)

Close the door please, Elaine.

ELAINE CLOSES THE DOOR.

PETERMAN PUTS THE CATALOG DOWN.

PETERMAN

Elaine, do you know what stagnation is? It's that nasty feeling that gives you the impression that your life has reached the bottom of monotony's river. It's what makes you feel that everything you do is always the same. Every-single-day-of-your-life. Stagnation is routine and I hate routine, Elaine. I hate it. It keeps us restrained. Doesn't allow us to develop. Expanding to new horizons!

ELAINE

Uh...

PETERMAN

(GRABS THE CATALOG)

Elaine, I think this catalog is reaching stagnation at his worst and so are the people working on it. Like me, for example. I'm stagnating. I have to admit that to myself. But I want to change that course of events. I want new ideas for the next catalog, not old ideas with a new outfit. No! I want something fresh, original!

ELAINE

Like what?

PETERMAN

That's what I want you to find out.

ELAINE

Me?

PETERMAN

Yes. I know you can do it, Elaine.

(OPENS THE CATALOG)

See this? Now, can you tell me that you're not capable of doing something far more better than this?

ELAINE

Well, actually it was me who did that.

PETERMAN

You understand me now? You mustn't allow yourself to stagnate. You can go now.

ELAINE TURNS TO THE DOOR.

PETERMAN

Besides, I know very well that your IQ is 145.

ELAINE STOPS AND TURNS BACK.

ELAINE

How do you know that?

PETERMAN

I saw it in your file.

ELAINE

Oh!

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.

JERRY

How did he know about your IQ?

ELAINE

I don't know. He told me he saw it on my file.

JERRY

What file?

ELAINE

I don't know what file. I didn't even know I had a file!

JERRY

Well, I guess a big business man like him has to take his precautions.

ELAINE

And that allows him to check into my personal life?

JERRY

Who knows? Maybe he thought you were a spy from a rival company, y'know?

ELAINE

How could he possibly think that? We work together for so long!

JERRY

I know you longer than him and I still get surprised from time to time.

ELAINE

Wha-

KRAMER BURSTS IN.

KRAMER

Hey! Hi, Elaine.

ELAINE

Hi.

JERRY

Hello there, Great Chief.

KRAMER

Uh... listen. Do you have any matches? I can't find any in my apartment.

JERRY

I'd be surprised if you were able to find anything there.

KRAMER

Well?

JERRY

(GETS UP)

I think so.

JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN.

KRAMER TAKES JERRY'S SEAT AND GRABS THE REMOTE.

JERRY OPENS THE KITCHEN DRAWER AND TAKES OUT A BOX OF MATCHES.

JERRY

(THROWS THE MATCHES TO KRAMER)

Here! Catch!

KRAMER CATCHES THE MATCHES.

KRAMER

Thank you, pale face.

ELAINE

Why do you need the matches for, Kramer? You're not gonna play with them, are you?

KRAMER

No. They're for my initiation.

ELAINE

Initiation to what?

JERRY

He found out that his great great grandfather was Cheyenne.

KRAMER

Yeah, I'm a member of NANAD.

ELAINE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE.

JERRY

(MOUTHS)

Indians.

ELAINE

Oh! Right! NANAD... And this... NANAD only has Cheyenne?

KRAMER

No, there are also Cherokee and Sioux and... many others.

JERRY

How many people are there?

KRAMER

Four. If you include me.

ELAINE

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! That's it!

JERRY

What?

ELAINE

This! This could be the idea for the catalog!

JERRY

Indians?

ELAINE

Why not? Peterman told me he wanted something fresh and original and this fits perfectly.

JERRY

But Indian lifestyle has been gone for more than a century.

ELAINE

Indian lifestyle is one the basic roots of the contemporary American way of life.

JERRY

That's what I'm saying. It's deeply underground.

KRAMER

(TO ELAINE)

You wanna come to my smoking session?

ELAINE

I'll think about it. What time does it start?

KRAMER

Nine thirty.

ELAINE

Okay.

KRAMER

(GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE DOOR)

I'll tell you what. If you come I'm gonna let you be my squaw.

KRAMER EXITS.

JERRY

You really want to go to his smoking session?

ELAINE

I have to. Otherwise, Peterman will fire me.

JERRY

So what? It wouldn't be the first time.

ELAINE

Just because it's something usual doesn't mean I have to like it.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. NIGHT

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING DINNER.

GEORGE

So... is Kramer really doing his smoking session tonight?

JERRY

Yeah. It should begin in approximately

(CHECKS HIS WATCH)

one hour.

GEORGE

You know, I still can't believe this. Who would have thought that Kramer is a direct descendant from one of the most ancient cultures in American history?

JERRY

I know I wouldn't.

ELAINE COMES IN AND JOINS THEM.

ELAINE

Hya there.

(TO A WAITRESS)

I'd like some coffee, please.

JERRY

You're going to Kramer's smoking session?

ELAINE

Uh uh. I just stopped by to get a cup of coffee. Kramer called me, y'know? Told me it's supposed to last all night long.

JERRY

You really believe that this is going to help you?

GEORGE

Help her with what?

ELAINE

With my catalog.

GEORGE

What catalog?

ELAINE

Mr. Peterman wants something fresh.

GEORGE

And you've chosen Indians? Indians are not fresh, they're relics.

JERRY

That's what I've told her. Listen Elaine, listen very carefully to what I’m abot to say. You are going to a smoking session with four guys. One of them is Kramer. You'll start to smoke, then you'll make yourself comfortable. At a certain point you'll begin to see pink elephants. And even if somehow you're manage to keep your conscience and stop yourself from dancing, there's always a slight chance that you'll wake up tomorrow morning with an enormous headache, turn your head and wonder "Who the hell is this guy?". Don’t be surprised if that happens ‘cause it will. I can tell you that.

ELAINE

You’re wrong. You’re so-so wrong. That is not going to happen, you hear me?

THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE'S COFFEE.

JERRY

We'll see about that.

GEORGE

I just realized something. I'm the only one not under Kramer's influence.

JERRY