THE COMPUTER

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

by

Joel G. Gomes

DECEMBER 2002

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

JERRY

The great purpose of going to a party or any other social event is to get a partner. Women usually talk themselves into it. A little chit-chat, a drink and a formal invitation.

"Can you give me a ride home?"

Men are not like this. Men are always in a rush. That’s the way we are.

We arrive at the party, we pick up the first desirable female we lay our eyes upon and a after a one minute talk, we kindly ask:

"Do you have the key to the upstairs bedroom?"

CUT TO:

INT. MONK’S. DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH.

JERRY

We were having sex. She was... er... performing an... oral massage on me and...

GEORGE

(INTERRUPTS HIM)

An oral massage? You mean a...?

JERRY NODS.

GEORGE

That’s a very interesting term. Then what?

JERRY

I got carried away.

GEORGE

While she was doing it?

JERRY NODS AGAIN.

GEORGE

What did she say?

JERRY

I don’t know.

GEORGE

What d’you mean you don’t know?

JERRY

I mean exactly that. When I realized what I had done, I grabbed my clothes and left. I had to get undressed in the hallway.

GEORGE

Why?

JERRY

I couldn’t stay there. Not after that.

GEORGE

You didn’t apologize?

JERRY

I think so. I don’t know.

GEORGE

When did this happen?

JERRY

About three days or so.

GEORGE

And you’re still thinking about it? Move on! It’s time to leave the past behind!

JERRY

I can’t!

GEORGE

Why not?

JERRY

I... liked it.

GEORGE

I see. Well, to be honest, I would be surprised if you didn’t. It’s very hard not to like it when someone does that kind of thing. You talked to her since?

JERRY

I called her this morning. Her machine answered.

GEORGE

Did you leave a message?

JERRY

Like what? "Hey, sorry about that the other night. I hope you didn’t choke. Let’s go out and get ourselves a milk-shake, shall we?"

GEORGE

That’s the problem with oral massages. They always catch us unprepared.

JERRY

It was the first time someone did something like that to me and I blew it.

GEORGE

You didn’t blew it. You went all the way to the end. And that, my friend, is really what matters.

JERRY

I know that. But I scored on the wrong goal. I’ve unbalanced the score.

GEORGE

Did you establish where to score before the game start?

JERRY

No.

GEORGE

Well then...

JERRY

"Well then" what? You can’t just assume she wants the other person to score on her goal. It’s a pretty big assumption.

GEORGE

We could use a referee to control that.

JERRY

Can you imagine how she must have felt?

GEORGE

I know how I would feel, if I was in your place.

JERRY

(PRETENDS TO STAND)

You wanna change seats?

GEORGE

Y’know, perhaps she was expecting some kind of retribution for her action.

JERRY

Like what?

GEORGE

Like, maybe, you doing an oral massage to her.

JERRY

No way.

GEORGE

They like it. Believe me.

JERRY

I know they like they like. I was the one who told you that in case you’ve forgotten.

GEORGE

So what’s your problem?

JERRY

I’ve been having this dream lately. I’m in the room with her. She’s doing another massage.

GEORGE

Keep going.

JERRY

Then she finishes it, she turns to me and says "kiss me".

GEORGE

That’s only a dream. She’s not gonna ask you to do that.

JERRY

How can you be so sure? It’s not like I had to force her or anything the first time I asked her to do... the massage. You think the kiss afterwards is that unlikely to happen?

GEORGE

It’s not unlikely, it’s unethical. Besides,, she probably had other things on her mind to worry about.

JERRY

Maybe she was trying to tell me something.

GEORGE

Must’ve been difficult at the time. Hey! I almost forgot! What time is it?

JERRY

It’s...

(CHECKS HIS WATCH)

1 p.m.

GEORGE

(STANDS)

Okay. Time to get back to work.

JERRY

Y’know, it’s quite amazing how a person with no basic knowledge whatsoever of computer components is working at a top company in the hardware business.

GEORGE

You know what they say. Sometimes improvement is necessary.

JERRY

So why hire you? My guess is that they’ll need a lot more than improvement after you’re done there.

GEORGE

"Oh ye of little faith!"

JERRY

Well, I sure hope you keep this job.

GEORGE

I will hold onto it like a leech.

JERRY

I wouldn’t expect nothing else coming from you.

GEORGE

I’ll see you later.

JERRY

Okay.

GEORGE WALKS AWAY.

JERRY (V. O.)

(LOOKS TO GEORGE’S EMPTY PLATE)

They always leave me to pay the check. Some day, this is bound to change.

CUT TO:

INT. INFOSYS. MAIN HALL. DAY

GEORGE ENTERS THE HALL. HE HEADS TO HIS OFFICE WHEN HE FINDS HIMSELF INTERCEPTED BY MR. SMITH.

MR. SMITH

George! Good to see you!

GEORGE

Mr. Smith! Hi! Good to see you too!

MR. SMITH

Listen, do you stepping into my office? There’s a private issue I would like to discuss with you concerning your performance on this company.

GEORGE

Did I do anything wrong?

MR. SMITH

I think it would be better if we talked in my office.

GEORGE

O-o-kay, Mr. Smith.

CUT TO:

INT. MR. SMITH’S OFFICE. DAY

MR. SMITH AND GEORGE ARE SITTING FACE TO FACE. MR. SMITH IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK AND TYPES SOMETHING ON HIS LAPTOP BEFORE ADDRESSING TO GEORGE.

MR. SMITH

The reason I wanted to talk to you, George is that... How shall I put this? Well, the thing is, I’ve been watching you and your work and, somehow, you managed to impress me like no other employee has ever had. So I would like to give you a reward for that.

GEORGE

A reward?

MR. SMITH

Yes. Not monetary. This is even better. I’m talking about a social reward.

GEORGE

A social reward? What d’you mean?

MR. SMITH 

I’m having a party tomorrow night and I would appreciate it very much if you could join me.

GEORGE

A party? Look, Mr. Smith, no offence or anything but this isn’t just a good time for me to do this.

MR. SMITH  

What’re you talking about, George? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, George. Think carefully of your decision or you’ll might regret it later.

GEORGE

(SWALLOWS) 

Fine. I’ll be there.

MR. SMITH 

Excellent!

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT. NIGHT

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.

JERRY

"... you managed to impress me in a way like no other employee has ever had?"

GEORGE

That’s what he said.

JERRY

Was that in a positive way?

GEORGE

I think so.

ELAINE

Well, he invited you to his party. I think that’s positive.

JERRY

Positive for who?

ELAINE

You’re going?

GEORGE

I have to. He said this would be a once in a lifetime opportunity.

JERRY

So go then.

GEORGE

I’m feeling very anxious. I don’t know how to behave on an event like this. Elaine, you’ve been through this type of situation before, tell me, what do I do?

ELAINE

(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)  

Well, the first thing is to act casually. Don’t let them think you’re nervous. When a conversation gets complicated, don’t try to understand it. Move to another area. And never, never! be yourself.

JERRY

That’s the best advise you could possibly give him.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

THE HOUSE IS CROWDED. MUSIC IS PLAYING, BUT NOT VERY LOUD. A SOFT VOLUME TO PROVIDE A SMOOTH AMBIENCE.

MR. SMITH IS DRAGGIG GEORGE ACROSS THE PARTY.

THEY APPROACH A GROUP OF THREE MEN TALKING TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

MR. SMITH

Hi, everyone! Glad you could make it!

THE THREE MEN LIFT THEIR GLASSES AS A CUMPLIMENT. THE WOMEN NODS.

MR. SMITH 

Hello Patricia. Did I already say that you look absolutely marvelous tonight?

PATRICIA

Twice. But it’s always a pleasure to hear it.

MR. SMITH

Do you know Patricia, George? She’s your colleague.

GEORGE

Really? I don’t remember seeing you there.

MR. SMITH

I’m usually tied to the desk. I’m responsible for the Public Affairs Department.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK:

INT. INFOSYS. HALL. DAY

GEORGE AND A COLEAGUE ARE CHATTING NEXT TO A COFFEE MACHINE.

COLLEAGUE

So, anyway, I took the motherboard out, I restored the main memory and there it was!

GEORGE

That’s amazing!

PATRICIA DRESSED IN A SHORT SKIRT PASSES THEM.

COLLEAGUE

That. Woman. Is. Hot.

GEORGE

Who is she?

COLLEAGUE

She’s responsible for the Public Affairs Department. Which means she practically gets laid with everyone around here.

GEORGE

Can’t wait to meet her.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

GEORGE

Oh! Right! Right! The Public Affairs department. A lot of work there, isn’t it?

PATRICIA

You have no idea. Sometimes I just wanna throw it all away and lie down.

GEORGE

(GRINS)

I can imagine.

MR. SMITH

(GRABS GEORGE BY THE ARM)

Come along, George. There’s a few people I would like you to meet.

GEORGE AND MR. SMITH WALK AWAY.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

GEORGE IS NOW NEXT TO A TABLE WITH FOOD AND DRINKS. MR. SMITH IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.

PATRICIA APPROACHES HIM FROM BEHIND.

PATRICIA

There you are!

GEORGE

(STARTLES AND TURNS)  

Hey!

PATRICIA

So you’re the famous George Constanza everyone is talking about...

GEORGE

Yeah!  

(SNORTS)  

That’s me!

PATRICIA

So... you wanna go upstairs?

GEORGE

(SWALLOWS) 

Upstairs? You mean...? The upper floor?

PATRICIA

Huh huh. The upper floor.

CUT TO:

INT. MR. SMITH’S BEDROOM. NIGHT

THE LIGHTS ARE OUT. THE MOONLIGHT ALLOWS US TO SEE VARIOUS SHADOWY FIGURES FROM THE FURNITURE.

WE HEAR A KNOB BEING TURNED AND THEN THE DOOR OPENS.

A CLICK FROM THE SWITCH AND THE LIGHT COMES OUT.

GEORGE AND PATRICIA STEP INTO THE BEDROOM AND LOCK THE DOOR.

GEORGE

D’you really want to do this? I mean, what if we get caught?

PATRICIA

Stop worrying about that and kiss me, GC!

THEY LIE ON THE BED AND START MAKING OUT.

SUDDENLY, GEORGE SEES SOMETHING THAT CAPTURES HIS ATTENTION. A LAPTOP COMPUTER ON THE DESK. NEXT TO IT IS A WEBCAM.

GEORGE  

Hey! He left his computer on.

GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE DESK.

PATRICIA

He must be waiting for an e-mail or something.

GEORGE