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The Computer

THE COMPUTER

 

 

  

 

 

A Seinfeld fan fiction script

 

by

 

Joel G. Gomes

 

 

DECEMBER 2002

 

 

 

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

 

JERRY

The great purpose of going to a party or any other social event is to get a partner. Women usually talk themselves into it. A little chit-chat, a drink and a formal invitation.

"Can you give me a ride home?"

Men are not like this. Men are always in a rush. Thatís the way we are.

We arrive at the party, we pick up the first desirable female we lay our eyes upon and a after a one minute talk, we kindly ask:

"Do you have the key to the upstairs bedroom?"

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONKíS. DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH.

 

JERRY

We were having sex. She was... er... performing an... oral massage on me and...

 

GEORGE

(INTERRUPTS HIM)

An oral massage? You mean a...?

 

JERRY NODS.

 

GEORGE

Thatís a very interesting term. Then what?

 

JERRY

I got carried away.

 

GEORGE

While she was doing it?

 

JERRY NODS AGAIN.

 

GEORGE

What did she say?

 

JERRY

I donít know.

 

GEORGE

What díyou mean you donít know?

 

JERRY

I mean exactly that. When I realized what I had done, I grabbed my clothes and left. I had to get undressed in the hallway.

 

GEORGE

Why?

 

JERRY

I couldnít stay there. Not after that.

 

GEORGE

You didnít apologize?

 

JERRY

I think so. I donít know.

 

GEORGE

When did this happen?

 

JERRY

About three days or so.

 

GEORGE

And youíre still thinking about it? Move on! Itís time to leave the past behind!

 

JERRY

I canít!

 

GEORGE

Why not?

 

JERRY

I... liked it.

 

GEORGE

I see. Well, to be honest, I would be surprised if you didnít. Itís very hard not to like it when someone does that kind of thing. You talked to her since?

 

JERRY

I called her this morning. Her machine answered.

 

GEORGE

Did you leave a message?

 

JERRY

Like what? "Hey, sorry about that the other night. I hope you didnít choke. Letís go out and get ourselves a milk-shake, shall we?"

 

GEORGE

Thatís the problem with oral massages. They always catch us unprepared.

 

JERRY

It was the first time someone did something like that to me and I blew it.

 

GEORGE

You didnít blew it. You went all the way to the end. And that, my friend, is really what matters.

 

JERRY

I know that. But I scored on the wrong goal. Iíve unbalanced the score.

 

GEORGE

Did you establish where to score before the game start?

 

JERRY

No.

 

GEORGE

Well then...

 

JERRY

"Well then" what? You canít just assume she wants the other person to score on her goal. Itís a pretty big assumption.

 

GEORGE

We could use a referee to control that.

 

JERRY

Can you imagine how she must have felt?

 

GEORGE

I know how I would feel, if I was in your place.

 

JERRY

(PRETENDS TO STAND)

You wanna change seats?

 

GEORGE

Yíknow, perhaps she was expecting some kind of retribution for her action.

 

JERRY

Like what?

 

GEORGE

Like, maybe, you doing an oral massage to her.

 

JERRY

No way.

 

GEORGE

They like it. Believe me.

 

JERRY

I know they like they like. I was the one who told you that in case youíve forgotten.

 

GEORGE

So whatís your problem?

 

JERRY

Iíve been having this dream lately. Iím in the room with her. Sheís doing another massage.

 

GEORGE

Keep going.

 

JERRY

Then she finishes it, she turns to me and says "kiss me".

 

GEORGE

Thatís only a dream. Sheís not gonna ask you to do that.

 

JERRY

How can you be so sure? Itís not like I had to force her or anything the first time I asked her to do... the massage. You think the kiss afterwards is that unlikely to happen?

 

GEORGE

Itís not unlikely, itís unethical. Besides,, she probably had other things on her mind to worry about.

 

JERRY

Maybe she was trying to tell me something.

 

GEORGE

Mustíve been difficult at the time. Hey! I almost forgot! What time is it?

 

JERRY

Itís...

(CHECKS HIS WATCH)

1 p.m.

 

GEORGE

(STANDS)

Okay. Time to get back to work.

 

JERRY

Yíknow, itís quite amazing how a person with no basic knowledge whatsoever of computer components is working at a top company in the hardware business.

 

GEORGE

You know what they say. Sometimes improvement is necessary.

 

JERRY

So why hire you? My guess is that theyíll need a lot more than improvement after youíre done there.

 

GEORGE

"Oh ye of little faith!"

 

JERRY

Well, I sure hope you keep this job.

 

GEORGE

I will hold onto it like a leech.

 

JERRY

I wouldnít expect nothing else coming from you.

 

GEORGE

Iíll see you later.

 

JERRY

Okay.

 

GEORGE WALKS AWAY.

 

JERRY (V. O.)

(LOOKS TO GEORGEíS EMPTY PLATE)

They always leave me to pay the check. Some day, this is bound to change.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. INFOSYS. MAIN HALL. DAY

 

GEORGE ENTERS THE HALL. HE HEADS TO HIS OFFICE WHEN HE FINDS HIMSELF INTERCEPTED BY MR. SMITH.

 

MR. SMITH

George! Good to see you!

 

GEORGE

Mr. Smith! Hi! Good to see you too!

 

MR. SMITH

Listen, do you stepping into my office? Thereís a private issue I would like to discuss with you concerning your performance on this company.

 

GEORGE

Did I do anything wrong?

 

MR. SMITH

I think it would be better if we talked in my office.

 

GEORGE

O-o-kay, Mr. Smith.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MR. SMITHíS OFFICE. DAY

 

MR. SMITH AND GEORGE ARE SITTING FACE TO FACE. MR. SMITH IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK AND TYPES SOMETHING ON HIS LAPTOP BEFORE ADDRESSING TO GEORGE.

 

MR. SMITH

The reason I wanted to talk to you, George is that... How shall I put this? Well, the thing is, Iíve been watching you and your work and, somehow, you managed to impress me like no other employee has ever had. So I would like to give you a reward for that.

 

GEORGE

A reward?

 

MR. SMITH

Yes. Not monetary. This is even better. Iím talking about a social reward.

 

GEORGE

A social reward? What díyou mean?

 

MR. SMITH 

Iím having a party tomorrow night and I would appreciate it very much if you could join me.

 

GEORGE

A party? Look, Mr. Smith, no offence or anything but this isnít just a good time for me to do this.

 

MR. SMITH  

Whatíre you talking about, George? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, George. Think carefully of your decision or youíll might regret it later.

 

GEORGE

(SWALLOWS) 

Fine. Iíll be there.

 

MR. SMITH 

Excellent!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. NIGHT

 

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.

 

JERRY

"... you managed to impress me in a way like no other employee has ever had?"

 

GEORGE

Thatís what he said.

 

JERRY

Was that in a positive way?

 

GEORGE

I think so.

 

ELAINE

Well, he invited you to his party. I think thatís positive.

 

JERRY

Positive for who?

 

ELAINE

Youíre going?

 

GEORGE

I have to. He said this would be a once in a lifetime opportunity.

 

JERRY

So go then.

 

GEORGE

Iím feeling very anxious. I donít know how to behave on an event like this. Elaine, youíve been through this type of situation before, tell me, what do I do?

 

ELAINE

(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)  

Well, the first thing is to act casually. Donít let them think youíre nervous. When a conversation gets complicated, donít try to understand it. Move to another area. And never, never! be yourself.

 

JERRY

Thatís the best advise you could possibly give him.

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

 

THE HOUSE IS CROWDED. MUSIC IS PLAYING, BUT NOT VERY LOUD. A SOFT VOLUME TO PROVIDE A SMOOTH AMBIENCE.

 

MR. SMITH IS DRAGGIG GEORGE ACROSS THE PARTY.

 

THEY APPROACH A GROUP OF THREE MEN TALKING TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

 

MR. SMITH

Hi, everyone! Glad you could make it!

 

THE THREE MEN LIFT THEIR GLASSES AS A CUMPLIMENT. THE WOMEN NODS.

 

MR. SMITH 

Hello Patricia. Did I already say that you look absolutely marvelous tonight?

 

PATRICIA

Twice. But itís always a pleasure to hear it.

 

MR. SMITH

Do you know Patricia, George? Sheís your colleague.

 

GEORGE

Really? I donít remember seeing you there.

 

MR. SMITH

Iím usually tied to the desk. Iím responsible for the Public Affairs Department.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

FLASHBACK:

 

INT. INFOSYS. HALL. DAY

 

GEORGE AND A COLEAGUE ARE CHATTING NEXT TO A COFFEE MACHINE.

 

COLLEAGUE

So, anyway, I took the motherboard out, I restored the main memory and there it was!

 

GEORGE

Thatís amazing!

 

PATRICIA DRESSED IN A SHORT SKIRT PASSES THEM.

      

COLLEAGUE

That. Woman. Is. Hot.

 

GEORGE

Who is she?

 

COLLEAGUE

Sheís responsible for the Public Affairs Department. Which means she practically gets laid with everyone around here.

 

GEORGE

Canít wait to meet her.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

 

GEORGE

Oh! Right! Right! The Public Affairs department. A lot of work there, isnít it?

 

PATRICIA

You have no idea. Sometimes I just wanna throw it all away and lie down.

 

GEORGE

(GRINS)

I can imagine.

 

MR. SMITH

(GRABS GEORGE BY THE ARM)

Come along, George. Thereís a few people I would like you to meet.

 

GEORGE AND MR. SMITH WALK AWAY.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

 

GEORGE IS NOW NEXT TO A TABLE WITH FOOD AND DRINKS. MR. SMITH IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.

 

PATRICIA APPROACHES HIM FROM BEHIND.

 

PATRICIA

There you are!

 

GEORGE

(STARTLES AND TURNS)  

Hey!

 

PATRICIA

So youíre the famous George Constanza everyone is talking about...

 

GEORGE

Yeah!  

(SNORTS)  

Thatís me!

 

PATRICIA

So... you wanna go upstairs?

 

GEORGE

(SWALLOWS) 

Upstairs? You mean...? The upper floor?

 

PATRICIA

Huh huh. The upper floor.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MR. SMITHíS BEDROOM. NIGHT

 

THE LIGHTS ARE OUT. THE MOONLIGHT ALLOWS US TO SEE VARIOUS SHADOWY FIGURES FROM THE FURNITURE.

 

WE HEAR A KNOB BEING TURNED AND THEN THE DOOR OPENS.

 

A CLICK FROM THE SWITCH AND THE LIGHT COMES OUT.

 

GEORGE AND PATRICIA STEP INTO THE BEDROOM AND LOCK THE DOOR.

 

GEORGE

Díyou really want to do this? I mean, what if we get caught?

 

PATRICIA

Stop worrying about that and kiss me, GC!

 

THEY LIE ON THE BED AND START MAKING OUT.

 

SUDDENLY, GEORGE SEES SOMETHING THAT CAPTURES HIS ATTENTION. A LAPTOP COMPUTER ON THE DESK. NEXT TO IT IS A WEBCAM.

 

GEORGE  

Hey! He left his computer on.

 

GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE DESK.

 

PATRICIA

He must be waiting for an e-mail or something.

 

GEORGE

Iíve always been fascinated by computers.

 

PATRICIA

Thatís probably why youíre working at a computer company.

 

GEORGE STARTS CLICKING RANDOMLY. HE ACCESSES THE VIDEO PROGRAM AND THE WEBCAM STARTS FILMING.

 

GEORGE

Hey! Look at that!

 

PATRICIA

Shut that thing off and come back to bed before I go there and drag you down here myself!

 

GEORGE

Okay.

 

GEORGE TURNS OFF THE MONITOR AND GOES BACK TO BED.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

 

MR. SMITH APPROACHES A WOMAN.

 

MR. SMITH

Hi Linda, have you seen my wife?

 

LINDA

No, I havenít.

 

MR. SMITH

Thanks, Linda.

 

MR. SMITH WALKS TO AN OLD MAN.

 

OLD MAN

Smith! Howíre you?

 

MR. SMITH

Iím fine. Listen, have you seen my wife?

 

OLD MAN

Not yet.

 

MR. SMITH

Thanks.

 

MR. SMITH MOVES ON AND FINDS THE GROUP OF THREE MEN HE HAD PREVIOUSLY FOUND.

 

MAN 1 

Hey Smith! Nice party you have here!

 

MR. SMITH

Iím glad youíre enjoying it. Iím looking for my wife. Do you have any idea where she might been?

 

MAN 3  

We donít know.

 

MAN 2  

Have you checked upstairs?

 

MAN 1

Yeah. She probably had one of those headaches of hers and went to sleep it off.

 

MR. SMITH

Thatís probably it. Iíll go check upstairs then. Thanks for the tip.

 

MAN 2  

No sweat.

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. MR. SMITHíS BEDROOM. NIGHT

 

GEORGE ARE PATRICIA ARE ON A MORE ADVANCED LEVEL AND WE NOW NOTICE THE BED BOUNCING UP AND DOWN.

 

THE WEBCAM IS STILL ON.

 

PATRICIA

What is that red light?

 

GEORGE

I donít know. Laptops arenít really my specialty. But I think itís probably a low battery or something.

 

MR. SMITH (O. S.) 

Honey! Are you in there?

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. CORRIDOR. NIGHT

 

MR. SMITH

(KNOCKS)

Are you there? I need to talk to you!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MR. SMITHíS BEDROOM. NIGHT

 

PATRICIA

Itís my husband!

 

GEORGE

Your husband?!

 

PATRICIA

Quick! Hide under the bed!

 

GEORGE HIDES UNDER THE BED. PATRICIA THROWS HIS CLOTHES DOWN THERE AS WELL.

 

PATRICIA TURNS ON THE LIGHT AND WRAPS HERSELF UP WITH A SHEET. SHE WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT.

 

MR. SMITH

Whatíre you doing here?

 

PATRICIA

(TEASES)

Iíve been expecting you, Mr. Smith.

 

MR. SMITH

(TAKES OFF HIS TIE AND UNTUCKS HIS SHIRT)  

Oh, Patricia!

 

HE GRABS HER AND CARRY HER TO THE BED.

 

PATRICIA 

Oh, Mr. Smith!

 

UNDER THE BED, GEORGE HOLDS ON TO HIS CLOTHES AS THE BED STARS BOUNCING UP AND DOWN AGAIN.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONKíS. DAY

 

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.

 

KRAMER ENTERS AND JOINS THEM.

 

KRAMER

Hya there.

 

GEORGE

Hey.

 

ELAINE

Hi.

 

JERRY

Whatís up?

 

KRAMER

Something weird happened to me last night.

 

JERRY

What was it?

 

KRAMER

Well, yesterday I took a mint right before I went to bed and when I woke up this morning, itís flavor was still there.

 

GEORGE

You let the mint dissolve in your mouth while you were sleeping?

 

KRAMER

Something like that.

 

GEORGE

And you didnít swallow it?

 

KRAMER

No. My tongue works even during sleep.

 

JERRY

Have you ever considered a job a stamp-licker?

 

KRAMER

But anyway, I donít know what happened. All I know is that I woke up this morning and my mouth was fresh.

 

JERRY

Instead of the usual morning breath?

 

KRAMER

Weird, isnít it?

 

ELAINE

To say the least. How did the freshness stay inside your mouth the whole night?

 

KRAMER

I donít know.

 

GEORGE

You donít breathe through your mouth?

 

KRAMER

No, I prefer to use the nose.

(POINTS TO HIS NOSTRILS)

It filters.

 

JERRY

Well, this event certainly is a mystery but one thingís for sure.

 

THEY ALL LOOK TO JERRY, LIKE PUPILS LOOKING AT A DISTINGUISHED MASTER.

 

JERRY

Our friend Kramer may have accidentally discovered the cure for one of the most dreadful dilemmas of the average man in the third millennium.

 

GEORGE

All great achievements are made accidentally.

 

KRAMER

I thought this was the second millennium.

 

JERRY

Itís the third.

 

KRAMER

How come?

 

JERRY

Because it is a logical deduction to assume that after the second millennium, the third should be the one to follow.

 

ELAINE

(TO GEORGE)  

Hey! How about the party?

 

GEORGE

Oh... It went well.

 

ELAINE

Were you casual?

 

GEORGE

I was as casual as anyone can be.  

(TO JERRY)  

What about you? Did you make that phone call?

 

JERRY

Yeah. I called her last night.

 

GEORGE

Was she angry at you?

 

JERRY

No, she was very glad to talk to me, actually.

 

ELAINE

Who is she?

 

JERRY

My girlfriend.

 

ELAINE

What does she do?

 

JERRY

Sheís a... masseuse.

 

ELAINE

A masseuse? Hey, listen, I have this pain on my neck. Do you think you-

 

JERRY

(CUTS HER OFF)

Sheís not that kind of masseuse.

 

ELAINE

What kind of masseuse is she then?

 

JERRY

Itís complicated.

 

ELAINE

All I need is a few touching and rubbing and Iíll be fine.

 

GEORGE

So what did she say?

 

JERRY

Itís like I said. Sheís expecting a retribution for last time.

 

GEORGE

Letís hope the dream doesnít come true.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MR. SMITHíS OFFICE. DAY

 

MR. SMITH IS WORKING ON HIS LAPTOP.

 

THERE IS A SLIGHT KNOCK ON THE DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND GEORGE ENTERS.

 

GEORGE

You wanted to see me, Mr. Smith?

 

MR. SMITH

Yes, George. Come on in. Close the door please.

 

GEORGE DOES SO.

 

MR. SMITH

Have a seat.

 

GEORGE SITS.

 

A BEAT. GEORGE DOESNíT WANT TO, BUT HE LOOKS NERVOUS. HE ADJUSTS HIS TIE.

 

MR. SMITH

George, Iím going to share something with you. Something that has been bothering me for quite some time and which has reached itís highest peak of tolerance just last night.

 

GEORGE

Last night?

 

MR. SMITH

I had the vague feeling my wife was cheating on me. But I wasnít really sure until I found this.

 

MR. SMITH TURNS HIS LAPTOP TO GEORGE. GEORGE PALES.

 

GEORGE

Oh my God!

 

MR. SMITH

Yes. Thatís what I thought too.  

(TURNS THE LAPTOP TO HIM AGAIN)  

Whoever did this, knew exactly what he was doing. He knew about the dead angles. He was sarcastic to point of recording everything without letting a single glimpse from his face to be caught in a simple frame.

 

GEORGE

Not even one?

 

MR. SMITH

None.

 

GEORGE

What about the voice?

 

MR. SMITH

Thatís a loose end as well. He turned off the sound. So hereís what I want you to do. I want you to use your expertise and find out the person who did this. My guess is that itís someone who had a quarrel with her and decided to get even. You can start by that. I promise you a good reward, George. And this time, itís not gonna be just a social one. Díyou think you can handle this?

 

GEORGE

Please, Mr. Smith!  

(SNORTS)

ĎHandleí is my third middle name!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONKíS. DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH.

 

JERRY

You had sex with your bossí wife?

 

GEORGE

I didnít know she was his wife.

 

JERRY

Have you ever considered the fact that if he finds out, youíre fired?

 

GEORGE

Heís not gonna find out anything. Not unless she tells him.

 

JERRY

What are the odds of that not happening?

 

GEORGE

Exactly the ones of that happening. Which means I have a fifty percent chance of not getting caught.

 

JERRY

You know youíre not very lucky when it comes to odds. What about that video thing?

 

GEORGE

It was an accident. I didnít know that that damn thing was on.

 

JERRY

Lucky for you, it didnít catch your face.

 

GEORGE

Yeah. Now Iím supposed to catch myself.

 

JERRY

Thatís very deep.

 

GEORGE

Like the bottom of the pit. What can I do, Jerry? Tell me.

 

JERRY

Iíve no idea. Iíll tell you one thing though. You should have spent some time with Kris when you had the chance.

 

GEORGE

Elaineís ex-boyfriend? The director?

 

JERRY

Thatís right. He could have taught you something about cameras.

 

GEORGE

I hope youíre not talking about my performance in front of a camera cos that, my friend, is something I can do very well.

 

JERRY

Not from what I saw.

 

GEORGE

Very funny.

 

JERRY

Nevertheless, she might confess.

 

GEORGE

So what if she confesses? Whatís the worst that can happen?

 

JERRY

Apart from being fired and possibly being beaten up by a group of hired men and dumped on some dark corner in the middle of nowhere? Nothing much I guess.

 

GEORGE

Heíll probably thank me for teaching something like this to him.

 

JERRY

Yes. Iím sure heíll learn his lesson. Never hire people like you again.

 

GEORGE

Hey! I was nominated to be employee of the month!

 

JERRY

Yeah. You and all the guys who slept with... What did you say her nickname was?

 

GEORGE

ĎPUBLIC AFFAIRSí So what if I slept with her? I wasnít the first one! I wasnít the one who put that nickname on her!

 

JERRY

But you did your best to keep it.

 

GEORGE

You know me. I donít like to go against the natural order of things.

 

JERRY

Thatís strange, considering that your very nature goes against the natural order of things.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT. NIGHT

 

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV. JERRY IS CLICKING NERVOUSLY.

 

ELAINE

Whatís the matter?

 

JERRY

Nothing. Anxiety, I guess.

 

ELAINE

What are you so anxious about?

 

JERRY

I think I need a massage.

 

ELAINE

Why canít I get one?

 

JERRY

Let me think of a way of explaining this to you.

 

A BEAT.

 

ELAINE

Yes?

 

JERRY

Huh...

 

ELAINE

Whatís that story of retribution? Youíre gonna massage her?

 

JERRY

Well...

 

ELAINE

Spit it out, damnit!

 

THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY GETS UP QUICKLY AND ANSWERS IT.

 

JERRY

Hello?

 

GEORGE (V. O.)

Itís me.

 

JERRY

Come on up.

 

JERRY RETURNS TO THE COUCH. HE PRETENDS THAT THE CONVERSATION IS OVER.

 

ELAINE

As you were saying...

 

JERRY

What?

 

KRAMER COMES IN. WALKING PAINFULLY AS NEVER. JERRY GETS UP AND GOES TO HIM.

 

JERRY

Whatís going on?

 

KRAMER

Itís my teeth, Jerry! My teeth are killing me!

 

GEORGE COMES IN.

 

GEORGE

Hey everyone.  

(NOTICES KRAMERíS AGONIZING FACE)

Whatís the matter with him?

 

JERRY

Heís in pain because of the mints.

 

GEORGE

Well, so much for the Nobel.

 

GEORGE SITS ON THE COUCH AND GRABS THE REMOTE.

 

KRAMER WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND LEANS AGAINST THE BALCONY.

 

JERRY

You should go to a dentist.

 

KRAMER

No. No dentist. No way.

 

ELAINE

So, yíknow George, Jerry doesnít want to tell me about that retribution thing.

 

GEORGE

He doesnít?

 

ELAINE

(COMES CLOSER)  

But youíre gonna tell me, arenít you Georgie? You wanna know what I do when someone shares something with me?

 

ELAINE WHISPERS SOMETHING ON GEORGEíS EARS WHICH CAUSES HIM TO BLUSH.

 

ELAINE

Any ideas now?

 

GEORGE

N-no...

 

ELAINE

I see...

(SNAPS)

Youíre in on this too, arenít you?

 

GEORGE

Not quite.

 

ELAINE

Fine! I donít care! You can have all the massages you want!

 

ELAINE GETS UP AND LEAVES IN A FURY.

 

JERRY AND KRAMER SHOW NO REACTION.

 

GEORGE RESUMES CLICKING.

 

JERRY

Are you sure you donít want to? It might be very serious. I can be there during the procedure if thatís the problem.

 

KRAMER

No. Iíll be fine.

 

KRAMER REGAINS HIS COMPOSURE AND LEAVES.

 

JERRY

Whatever you say.

 

JERRY WALKS TO THE LIVING ROOM AND TAKES THE REMOTE FROM GEORGE.

 

JERRY

So, anything new about the investigation?

 

GEORGE

No. I have to come up with something by tomorrow. What about you? Youíre gonna retribute?

 

JERRY

Yes. I am going to give her the massage of a lifetime.

 

GEORGE

Really? It will be like a dream come true.

 

JERRY

I just hope it isnít the entire dream.

 

GEORGE

When is this happening?

 

JERRY

Tomorrow night.

 

GEORGE

Tomorrow night? Why not tonight?

 

JERRY

I told her I needed to practice first.

 

GEORGE

Howíre you gonna practice?

 

JERRY

Iíve rented a few videos.

 

GEORGE

Oh!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MR. SMITHíS OFFICE. DAY

 

MR. SMITH IS WORKING ON HIS LAPTOP.

 

NO KNOCK THIS TIME. GEORGE JUST ENTERS.

 

GEORGE

May I?

 

MR. SMITH

Of course, George. You know my door is always open to trustful people.

 

GEORGE CLOSES THE DOOR AND SITS. HEíS FEELING VERY CONFIDENT.

 

GEORGE

I appreciate your compliment, Mr. Smith. Iím here to tell you about my investigation.

 

MR. SMITH

Ah! You went all the way to end, I assume.

 

GEORGE

Even further than that.

 

MR. SMITH

You were very thorough, right?

 

GEORGE

Thorough as never.

 

MR. SMITH? 

And? You discovered who the man on the video is?

 

GEORGE

Unfortunately, no. I couldnít make it.

 

MR. SMITH

Cause yíknow, George, Iíve done my own private investigation.

 

SO MUCH FOR GEORGEíS CONFIDENCE.

 

GEORGE

You have?

 

MR. SMITH

She told me all about it.

 

GEORGE KNOWS THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL.

 

MR. SMITH (contíd) 

Frankly, George. Iím disappointed at you! To break away my trust just like that!  

(SNAPS HIS FINGERS)

 

GEORGE

I-I-I can explain! I have a multiple personality disorder. Itís a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde complex.

 

MR. SMITH

CUT the crap, George.

 

GEORGE

Yes, Mr. Smith...

 

MR. SMITH

Itís not your fault anyway.

 

GEORGE

It isnít?

 

MR. SMITH

Of course not. Iím the only one to blame here.

 

GEORGE

You are?

 

MR. SMITH

(SIGHS)  

Iíve been neglecting my wifeís needs, George. The reason why she betrayed in the first place was because I paid no attention to her needs.

 

GEORGE

Thatís too bad.

 

MR. SMITH

But last night, we had a long conversation and came up with a solution to our problem.

 

GEORGE

Iím very glad to hear that.

 

MR. SMITH

According to her evaluation, you were the best, letís call it Ďsubjectí so far.

 

GEORGE

I was?

 

MR. SMITH

So we decided to make an agreement. From now on, you can have sex with my wife every time you want to.

 

GEORGE IS SURPRISED TO SAY THE LEAST.

 

MR. SMITH (contíd) 

All you have to do is the fulfill your part of the deal.

 

GEORGE

What deal?

 

MR. SMITH

You have to let me have sex with your girlfriend.

 

GEORGE

Er...that can be a little complicated. Iím kinda single at the moment.

 

MR. SMITH

Thatís not a problem. As soon as you find someone, you let me know.

 

GEORGE

Hypothetically speaking, what happens if I say no?

 

MR. SMITH

I will fire you and then Iíll hire a group of men to beat you up and dump you in the middle of nowhere. Literally speaking.

 

GEORGE

(SWALLOWS) 

Just checking.

 

GEORGE GETS UP. MR. SMITH DOES THE SAME. HE TAPS GEORGE ON THE SHOULDER AND SITS BACK.

 

GEORGE WALKS TO THE DOOR.

 

MR. SMITH

(WINKS)

Letís have a swing, George!

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. JERRYíS BEDROOM. NIGHT

 

JERRY AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE ON THE BED. SHE IS UNDER THE SHEETS DOING A MASSAGE.

 

HER HEAD COMES OUT AND APPROACHES JERRYíS FACE.

 

WOMAN 

Kiss me.

 

WE FOCUS ON JERRYíS PANICKED FEATURES.

 

CUT TO:

 

  

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

 

JERRY

No one likes to receive orders. People wanna be free in their decisions. The way the orders are given determines the obedience.

If youíre a rude boss and you say to your employees

"Get the hell out of here! Iím giving you all a month vacation!"

Theyíll probably think that youíre firing them.

Softness can do wonders in this case.

"Do you mind if I pay you this monthís salary three months from now?" 

If youíre nice enough not only will your employees accept anything you say but theyíll probably lend you some money if they see you in need.

 

 

 

THE END

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