THE CEREAL

Author: Eduardo Carouchio

(MONK'S RESTAURANT EXTERIOR, THEN THE INTERIOR. JERRY AND GEORGE HAVING LUNCH.)

JERRY

Do you think Super man was good in bed?

GEORGE

I guess so, he has super powers, so it only makes sense that he has super sexual powers too.

JERRY

I'm not so sure. I imagine that when he's wearing his glasses and he's Clark Kent then he's hopeless; can't even rise to the occasion. But as soon as he takes them off and puts on his suit, he becomes some sort of sex god.

GEORGE

So you’re trying to tell me that Super Man's suit is just some sort of fancy Viagra?

JERRY

I never saw Lois looking unsatisfied did you?

GEORGE

I guess not; I'd love to get myself to get one of those suits. By the way Jerry, how are thing with that girl Sarah?

JERRY

Not so good, she's got these really annoying eating habits.

GEORGE

Eating habits? Go on.

JERRY

Well, we were having dinner last week and she ordered fries with her food.

GEORGE

So.

JERRY

When her food came, she completely covered them with Ketchup, I mean covered; you could hardly see the fries at all! If you're going to have Ketchup, then you put a portion on the side of your plate, and dip when you feel like; not completely plaster your food before hand.

GEORGE

That is strange, so it's over?

JERRY

I'm not sure; I'll see what happens. So how's your new job George, weren't you starting there today?

GEORGE

(WAVING HIS ARMS)

Don't ask.

JERRY

Why not?

GEORGE

I'm not what you might say the most hardest of workers.

JERRY

That's true.

GEORGE

Well my boss's office over looks my desk, so she can always see if I'm working or not. It's not fair; I can't even have coffee, as the coffee machine is the other side of office! So if I get up she'll know that I'm not working.

JERRY

(SARDONICALLY)

What a shame, imagine having a job where you actually have to do some work.

(ELAINE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN LOOKS UPSET)

ELAINE

Hi guys.

JERRY

Everything OK Lainey?

ELAINE

Nope, just had to split up with John.

GEORGE

But I thought everything was going so well.

ELAINE

It was.

JERRY

So what happened?

ELAINE

He was too big.

GEORGE

Too big? He was only my height.

ELAINE

No, not too tall, to BIG you fool!

JERRY

(REALISING AND NODDING)

Ah, you mean down there?

ELAINE

(PUCKERS TOP LIP)

Yep, down there.

GEORGE

How big?

JERRY

George! You can't ask that.

GEORGE

Why not, you afraid he's bigger than you Jerry? In any way, we're all friends here so what does it matter?

(GEORGE LOOKS AT ELAINE FOR AN ANSWER; SHE INDICATES THE SIZE BY MOVING HER HANDS APART, STOPPING AT THE APPROPRIATE LENGTH, GEORGE'S FACE DROPS)

GEORGE

Wow, that is big!

JERRY

Sure is.

ELAINE

So as you can see, it could never work.

GEORGE

Never mind, there's this great guy Steve at my office, I'd think you really like him.

ELAINE

Is he good looking?

GEORGE

I guess so, as far a staunch heterosexual male like myself can tell.

ELAINE

OK then, give him my number.

GEORGE

(GETS UP TO LEAVE)

No problem. I gotta go; if I'm late my boss'll be on my back for slacking off again, see ya later.

(GEORGE'S NEW WORK PLACE, AFTERNOON. GEORGE IS SITTING AT DESK LOOKING AT BOSS LOOKING AT HIM FROM HER OFFICE. HE PRETENDS TO WORK. SHE THEN WALKS OUT OF SIGHT. GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO STEVE'S DESK THAT IS ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROOM)

STEVE

(OBVIOUSLY A VERY HANDSOME MAN)

Hi George, what can I do for you?

GEORGE

No Steve, it's what I can do for you.

STEVE

Go ahead.

GEORGE

My friend Elaine would like to go out on a date with you, do you want her number?

STEVE

Is she good looking?

GEORGE

Yes she is, very.

STEVE

Then why aren't you with her?

GEORGE

(LYING)

She wanted to but I didn't want to spoil out friendship.

STEVE

OK then.

(GEORGE HANDS STEVE ELAINE'S NUMBER. GEORGE TURNS AROUND AND IS ABOUT TO GO BACK TO HIS DESK WHEN HE REALISING THAT NOBODY ELSE IS WORKING, THEY'RE ALL JUST TALKING, LAUGHING DRINKING COFFEE. HE TURNS BACK TO STEVE)

GEORGE

Are you people mad, if the boss catches you lot like this she'll have you all fired.

STEVE

Don't worry George; she can't see this part of the room from her office. We don't have to work at all!

GEORGE

Ho ho! This ain't fair, I gotta work hard while you lot just sit around all day drinking coffee. Are there any spare desks over here?

STEVE

Nope, all taken.

(GEORGE POINTS AT WOMAN IN A WHEEL CHAIR)

GEORGE

How come she's got one, she only started a day before me but she has a desk this side of the room already?

STEVE

It's because she's in a wheel chair.

GEORGE

So?

STEVE

Well, your side of the room has steps so she can't get up there. This side has a ramp so they put her over here.

GEORGE

So if you have a wheel chair you get desk in this part of the room; where the boss can't see.

STEVE

That’s right.

GEORGE

(UNDER HIS BREATHE)

Gotta get me a wheel chair!

(NEXT MORNING, JERRY & SARAH IN HER APARTMENT. JERRY WALKS OUT OF HER BEDROOM INTO THE KITCHEN. SARAH'S MADE HIM SOME CEREAL)

JERRY

This cereal is good what is it?

SARAH

Breaky-Flakes, you like them?

JERRY

They’re gorgeous, but I've never seen them before.

SARAH

That's because they don't sell them in the US.

JERRY

Then how do you have them?

SARAH

My father owns the company. Here, have a box.

(PASSES BOX OF BREAKY-FLAKES TO JERRY)

JERRY

Thanks.

(SARAH PUTS SOME WAFFLES ON HERE PLATE, AND FILLS A BOWL WITH HONEY. SHE THEN PROCEEDS TO DIP HER WAFFLES INTO THE HONEY)

JERRY

Now this I just don't get.

SARAH

What?

JERRY

So you like to dip your waffles then.

SARAH

Yep.

JERRY

Why not spread the honey on?

SARAH

I like to dip.

JERRY

(GETTING FRUSTRATED)

You like to dip! First you cover your fries instead of dipping, and then you dip your waffles instead of spreading!

SARAH

Well if it upsets you so much I think you better leave.

(POINTS TO DOOR)

JERRY

I think I will.

(JERRY GETS UP TO LEAVE, JUST AS HE'S ABOUT TO GO THROUGH THE DOOR HE PAUSES, SPINS AROUND GOES BACK FOR THE BREAKY-FLAKES. AFTER GRABBING THEM HE LEAVES THROUGH THE DOOR)

(JERRY'S APARTMENT, JERRY WATCHING TV. KRAMER ENTERS KRAMER-ESK MANNER. JERRY TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE. KRAMER WALKS OVER TO KITCHEN AND GRABS SEVEN OR EIGHT CEREAL BOXES FROM THE SHELF AND TURNS TO LEAVES.)

JERRY

Hey hold on, hold on. What're you doing?

KRAMER

I'm out of cereal, and you know I need my cereal Jerry.

JERRY

But all those boxes?

KRAMER

I like to mix them all up, have a few flakes from each box; then every mouthful is different. I call it "Cosmo's Cereal Surprise" you gotta try it Jerry you'll never eat a single cereal again!

JERRY

(UNIMPRESSED)

Yeah, maybe later - just make sure you bring them back.

(BUZZER SOUNDS.)

JERRY

Who is it?

GEORGE

Me.

JERRY

Come on up.

(KRAMER LOOKS AT ALL THE DIFFERENT BOXES AND NOTICES ONE THAT HE HASN'T SEEN BEFORE.)

KRAMER

Oow what's this? Haven't seen this before; Breaky-Flakes.

JERRY

Yeah, they're from Sarah; you can't get them here so that's the last box as we've split up.

(GEORGE ENTERS)

GEORGE

Do either of you know where I can get a wheel chair?

JERRY

Why?

GEORGE

You know I told you about my boss, and me having to work all day long.

JERRY

Yes.

GEORGE

Well if I'm in a wheel chair I get a desk on the other side of the room, which she can't see. I won't have to do any work at all!

JERRY

So you’re gonna pretend your disabled?

GEORGE

No, just that I've broken my leg or something.

JERRY

(SARDONICALLY)

Oh I like the sound of this idea.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

JERRY

Who is it?

ELAINE

Me.

JERRY

Come on up.

KRAMER

My friend Bob Sacamano's mother has a spare wheel chair. I'll get it for you.

GEORGE

Excellent.

(ELAINE ENTERS)

ELAINE

Hi guys. Hey George nice work on setting me up with that Steve, he phoned me last night and he sounds perfect, we're going out tonight.

GEORGE

No problem, it's what I do!

(KRAMER AND GEORGE LEAVE TO GET WHEEL CHAIR)

(ELAINE & STEVE IN CAR AFTER DATE OUTSIDE HER APARTMENT, THEY HAVE OBVIOUSLY HAD A GOOD TIME.)

STEVE

So did you have a good time?

ELAINE

Ow Steve, it was perfect, you're a super date.

STEVE

You were perfect too.

(LOOKING LOVING AT EACH OTHER, THEY KISS PASSIONATELY.)

ELAINE

Do you want to come upstairs?

(GEORGE'S APARTMENT HE'S SITTING IN A WHEEL CHAIR, WRAPPING UP HIS LEG WITH BANDAGES)

GEORGE

(SHOUTING WITH GLEE)

No work for me baby, NO WORK!

(ELAINE'S BEDROOM, STEVE WALKS OUT OF THE BATHROOM INTO ELAINE'S BEDROOM. WEARING ONLY A BATHROBE. ELAINE IS LYING IN HER BED OBVIOUSLY EXCITED AT THE PROSPECT OF THE NIGHT AHEAD. FROM BEHIND WE SEE STEVE TAKE OFF HIS ROBE STANDING THERE NAKED. ELAINE'S FACE DROPS IN DISAPPOINTMENT AS SHE SEES HIM NAKED FOR THE FIRST TIME.)

(GEORGE'S OFFICE THE NEXT DAY, THE ELEVATOR OPENS TO REVEAL GEORGE IN A WHEEL CHAIR WITH HIS LEG COVERED IN BANDAGES, HIS BOSS RUNS OVER TO HIM.)

BOSS

Oh George you pour thing, what happened?

GEORGE

(LYING)

I jumped in front of a car to save a little girl getting run over, luckily I only badly sprained my ankle; a small price to pay for a young girl's life. My doctor says I should stay off it for a few weeks.

BOSS

George you brave thing, and to come to work the following day as well.

GEORGE

(LYING AGAIN)

You know me, work work work!

BOSS

I'm awfully sorry George but we're going to have to give you a new desk because of the wheel chair.

(SHE GETS BEHIND HIM AND WHEELS HIM OVER TO A NEW DESK, NEXT TO STEVE'S AND OUT OF SITE FROM HER OFFICE)

BOSS

There you go George I hope this one is OK; I'll just go over here and fix you up a coffee.

(AS SHE WALKS AWAY TO POUR THE COFFEE WE SEE GEORGE'S FACE LIGHT UP WITH GLEE.)

(KRAMER IS STANDING OUTSIDE NEWMAN'S APARTMENT HOLDING A BOWL AND SPOON, HE KNOCKS THE DOOR AND THE DOOR OPENS.)

KRAMER

Newman, try this and tell me what you think.

(NEWMAN GRABS SPOON AND TAKES A BITE OF THE COSMO'S CEREAL SURPRISE.)

NEWMAN

Oh that's good.

(GRABS THE BOWL OFF KRAMER AND STARTS TO EAT IT AT SPEED.)

NEWMAN

(WITH MOUTH FULL OF CEREAL)

What is it?

KRAMER

Cosmo's Cereal Surprise!!

NEWMAN

It's amazing, what's that strange flavour; I can't put my finger on it.

KRAMER

It contains a cereal I got from Jerry; you can't buy it over here.

(GETTING EXCITED AND WAVING HIS HANDS)

It's the secret ingredient!

NEWMAN

Hey, a man on my mail round manages a cereal factory, I could introduce you; he could market it for you, for a share of the profits of course.

(SHAKING HANDS.)

KRAMER

You got a deal.

(MONK'S RESTAURANT EXTERIOR, THEN THE INTERIOR. JERRY, GEORGE & ELAINE HAVING LUNCH, ELAINE LOOKS STRESSED.)

JERRY

(TO ELAINE)

So how did your date go?

ELAINE

Ow, the date was perfect.

GEORGE

What did I tell you? I am a good friend for introducing you; I hope you do the same for me.

ELAINE

(SARDONICALLY)

Ow you're a good friend George, it's what happened after the date that wasn't so perfect.

JERRY

Why, what happened?

ELAINE

Well we went upstairs to my apartment.

JERRY

Go on.

ELAINE

And lets just say that he wasn't big enough!

GEORGE

Not big enough? He’s six foot

(PAUSES WITH REALISATION)

ah down there.

ELAINE

Yep, down there.

JERRY

How small?

(ELAINE INDICATES WITH HER HANDS AS BEFORE, MOVING THEM CLOSER TOGETHER STOPPING AT THE APPROPRIATE LENGTH, JERRY'S MONTH DROPS.)

JERRY

That is small.

GEORGE

Sure is.

JERRY

So are you still with him?

ELAINE

Afraid so, haven't had time to end it yet.

JERRY

So does size really matter?

ELAINE

(KRAMER-ESK WHEN HE'S STRESSED)

Ow it matters! We still on for our double date tonight?

JERRY

I can't, Sarah and I have finished.

ELAINE

The ketchup?

JERRY

Nope, the honey.

ELAINE

Honey?

GEORGE

Don't ask.

(KRAMER ENTERS ALSO STRESSED, AND SITS DOWN.)

KRAMER

You gotta help me Jerry.

JERRY

(SARDONICALLY)

You've always needed help Kramer.

KRAMER

I need more of that cereal JERRY! I'm taking my Cosmo's Cereal Surprise to a friend of Newmans and those Breaky-Flakes are the secret ingredient.

JERRY

I can't, you know we've finished.

KRAMER

But it's the secret ingredient JERRY! I need that cereal; it's the icing on the cake. Just make up with her and get me some boxes off her.

JERRY

OK, OK! I'll phone her later and apologies, as long as you shut up about that damn cereal!

ELAINE

So our dates back on?

JERRY

I guess so.

KRAMER

Giddy up!

(RESTAURANT AT NIGHT. JERRY, ELAINE, SARAH & STEVE.)

WAITER

Ready to order?

STEVE

I'll have the steak.

WAITER

What size?

STEVE

20 ounces. A man ain't a man unless he has a large portion!

JERRY

(AT ELAINE)

Isn't that right Elaine? Do you prefer a man who has a large a small portion?

ELAINE

(DISAPPOINTED)

Large I suppose.

SARAH

I'll have the chicken with fries please.

JERRY

Oh, you’re not going to do that ketchup thing again are you?

SARAH

I think I might.

JERRY

Please, for my sanity not the ketchup on the fries again please!

SARAH

(STANDS UP)

That's it! I've had it with you! I'm leaving. What sort of man gets obsessed with the way somebody takes their ketchup? And don't think your getting more of that cereal either.

(SARAH STORMS OUT.)

JERRY

(UNFAZED BY JUST BEING DROPPED)

Well there we are. I'm going to the bathroom be back in five.

(GETS UP AND WALKS TO TOILET)

ELAINE

Look Steve, we gotta talk I think we should finish.

STEVE

But why, you said that everything was perfect what went wrong?

ELAINE

Well there was a small problem.

STEVE

Small problem?

ELAINE

You know

(LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CROTCH.)

STEVE

It's small?

ELAINE

Very. Sorry.

STEVE

Well if that's what you think, I'm leaving!

(STEVE GETS UP AND WALKS TO DOOR; BEFORE HE LEAVES HE ENTERS THE TOILET.)

(INSIDE TOILET, JERRY AND STEVE. JERRY IS STANDING NEXT TO A URINAL; STEVE WALKS OVER TO THE ONE NEXT TOP HIM. JERRY IS LOOKING STRAIGHTFORWARD JUST DOING HIS BUSINESS. HE NOTICES STEVE BLATANTLY TURN HIS HEAD TO LOOK DOWN AT HIS CROTCH. JERRY'S FACE TURNS TO ONE OF UNCOMFORTABLENESS, AND DISBELIEF.)

(NEXT DAY, MONK'S RESTAURANT EXTERIOR, THEN THE INTERIOR. JERRY, GEORGE & KRAMER HAVING LUNCH.)

GEORGE

Toilet peeker?

JERRY

Toilet peeker!

KRAMER

Who?

JERRY

Steve, we were both in the toilet when he turned his head and took a peek, he didn't even try to disguise it!

GEORGE

Doesn't he know the rules? Stand to attention and look straight forward. No moving your head it's just not done. I better make sure that I don't go the same time as him in the office from now on.

KRAMER

So how's your wheel chair working out George?

GEORGE

It's the best idea I've ever had. The boss has no idea, plus all I do all day is talk and drink coffee. It's the cushiest job I've ever had.

KRAMER

That Bob Sacamano hasn't failed me yet. By the way Jerry did you get that cereal?

JERRY

Sorry Kramer but no.

KRAMER

(IN HIS STRESSED VOICE)

But why Jerry? Why!? I have a meeting with Newman and a cereal man later so I need a box; it's the secret ingredient! It's too bland without it!

JERRY

I'm sorry Kramer, but she was going to order a plate of fries, and I wasn't going to risk watching her annihilating them with ketchup. I had to make a stand.

KRAMER

(WAVING HIS ARMS)

Ah!

(GEORGE'S OFFICE. GEORGE AND STEVE. GEORGE PUTS DOWN HIS CUP OF COFFEE.)

GEORGE

Think I'll go to the bathroom. That's my fifth cup without a visit, and I'm bursting.

STEVE

(GETS UP)

Think I'll come too.

(GEORGE LOOKING AWKWARD AND OBVIOUSLY NEEDING TO GO.)

GEORGE

Actually I've changed my mind, I'll go later.

(CEREAL MAN'S OFFICE - KRAMER & NEWMAN & CEREAL MAN, KRAMER AND NEWMAN WALK IN, KRAMER SHAKES HAND WITH CEREAL MAN.)

CEREAL MAN

Well hello Mr Kramer, Newman tells me you have new cereal you'd like to show me.

KRAMER

That's right, Cosmo's Cereal Surprise, it's as if your taste buds loose control; a party for your mouth!

(KRAMER POURS SOME OF HIS CEREAL INTO A BOWL GIVES IT TO CEREAL MAN TO TASTE.)

CEREAL MAN

It's good, very good.

KRAMER

Giddy up!

CEREAL MAN

But not good enough I'm afraid; it lacks a certain something. Something to set it off; the icing on the cake so to speak.

KRAMER

(IN HIS CRYING VOICE)

Mama.

(NEWMAN MAKES CLENCHES FIST.)

NEWMAN

Jerry!

(GEORGE'S OFFICE. GEORGE AND STEVE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE REMAINING, GEORGE OBVIOUSLY NEEDS TO GO TO TOILET BUT STEVE IS STILL NEXT TO HIM; WAITING FOR HIM TO GO SO HE CAN WATCH HIM. FINALLY STEVE GIVES UP AND LEAVES. AS SOON AS THROUGH THE DOOR GEORGE GETS UP FROM HIS WHEEL CHAIR AND RUNS TO TOILET AT FULL SPEED. HALF WAY THERE HIS BOSS COMES FROM NO WHERE AND STEPS IN FRONT OF HIM.)

BOSS

I thought you had a broken leg George!

GEORGE

(TRYING TO PUT ON BRAVE FACE)

It just got better. I'm sorry but I've gotta run to the...

(FACE DROPS)

too late.

BOTH LOOK DOWN AT GEORGE'S TROUSERS. HE HAS JUST WET HIMSELF.

BOSS

George, you’re fired.

The End