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THE TESSMACHER CHAIR
A
SPEC
SCRIPT
BY
MICHAEL
BOYD
TEASER
SCENE A
FADE IN:
INT. SUBWAY - DAY 1
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE
STANDING IN A SUBWAY CAR HOLDING THE METAL BARS. A WALL STREET TYPE GUY IS
STANDING ON THE RIGHT OF FRAME WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS NOT HOLDING ONTO
ANYTHING. THE SUBWAY TAKES OFF SUDDENLY AND THE WALL STREET TYPE IS THROWN INTO
AN ANNOYED JERRY AND GEORGE. THE MAN PICKS HIMSELF UP AND EXITS LEFT OF FRAME.
GEORGE
Why can't people just
hold on? That's what these bars are here for!
JERRY
He's a surfer, George.
He's worried about catching germs.
GEORGE
You know, I hear leprosy
is making a comeback in New York.
JERRY
And I'd expect you to be
right on top of that situation.
GEORGE
I think about it
constantly!
GEORGE RELEASES HIS HAND
FROM THE SAFETY RAIL AND LOOKS IT OVER.
JERRY
I wouldn't assume any
less.
GEORGE
A new strain of T.B. has
been discovered as well.
JERRY
Look, George, just do
what I do and carry around a few anti-bacterial wet- wipes.
JERRY PULLS A SMALL
PACKET OUT OF HIS POCKET AND HANDS IT TO GEORGE. GEORGE TAKES THE PACKET. AT
THAT MOMENT, THE SUBWAY TRAIN COMES TO A SQUEALING STOP. JERRY SMOOTHLY STEPS
OUT OF THE WAY AS GEORGE IS THROWN FORWARD TO THE FLOOR OF THE CAR. THE WALL
STREET TYPE RE-ENTERS THE FRAME BY FALLING ON TOP OF GEORGE.
GEORGE
Get him offa me! Get him
offa me!
FADE OUT.
SCENE B
FADE IN:
EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -
DAY 1
STOCK SHOT OF JERRY'S
APARTMENT BUILDING
INT. JERRY'S APT - DAY 1
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE IN
HIS APARTMENT. GEORGE IS GETTING A YOO-HOO OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND JERRY IS
SITTING ON THE ARM OF HIS COUCH CASUALLY LOOKING AT THE SPORTS PAGE.
GEORGE
How do you meet these
women? How are you going on a date with the owner of Helena's Passion?
JERRY
Yup, I'm going out with
Helena.
GEORGE
That's the kinky
lingerie store over on 60th and 3rd Ave!
JERRY
Oh, I know exactly what
Helena's Passion is about, mister!
GEORGE
Whenever I walk by that
store, I have this incredible urge to look at those mannaquins wearing the
crotchless panties and feather boas. I can never stare too long. I get overcome
with guilt and I'm afraid I'll be struck blind.
JERRY
I don't think that'll
happen by just looking. It's what you do later that you should be concerned
about.
GEORGE
So, how'd you meet her?
JERRRY
On my flight home from
Burbank yesterday.
GEORGE
She just started talking
to you?
JERRY
We pretty much started
talking to each other at the same time.
GEORGE
You are amazing! I'm
shunned on planes. Even by the stewardess. Even by old ladies. I once tried to
help an older woman put her bag into the overhead compartment, you know she was
backing up the aisle . . .
JERRY
I know the back-up . . .
GEORGE
. . . well, she started
beating me senseless with her luggage cart.
JERRY
Why do I find this so
easy to picture?
GEORGE SIPS HIS YOO-HOO.
GEORGE
Lisa is going to be here
in a minute. Can I save this in the fridge for later?
JERRY
I don't think so.
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
Your lips have been on
it. What if I decide I want a Yoo-hoo and drink yours by mistake? (beat) Can't
you take it with?
GEORGE
I can't do it. Lisa's
never seen me drink and walk. Nine times out of ten I spill!
JERRY
That Yoo-hoo goes with
you or it goes in the garbage. What's it going to be?
GEORGE
Garbage.
GEORGE PUTS THE CAP BACK
ON AND DROPS THE HALF BOTTLE OF YOO-HOO INTO THE GARBAGE. DOOR BUZZER.
JERRY
That Lisa?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY KEEPS READING THE
PAPER. HE DOESN'T MOVE TO ANSWER HIS DOOR.
GEORGE
Well, aren't you going
to buzz her up?
JERRY
Eyahh... I've met your
girlfriends before.
GEORGE
You haven't met Lisa!
JERRY
I don't really need to,
George.
GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR.
GEORGE
What if I told you I
don't want to ever meet Helena?
JERRY
There is no way you
would ever not want to meet her. You just aren't strong enough.
GEORGE
I know. I know. . .
GEORGE EXITS. KRAMER
WALKS INTO JERRY'S CARRYING A BOTTLE OF KALUHA.
KRAMER
Hey . . .
JERRY
Hey . . .what's that
bottle?
KRAMER
Oh this is Kaluha,
Jerry. The good stuff.
JERRY
Don't you drink that in
coffee?
KRAMER
Oh . . .some people do.
Can I have a Yoo-hoo?
JERRY
Why didn't you buy
Yoo-hoo when you bought the Kaluha?
KRAMER
Well, they don't sell
Yoo-hoo at the liquor store.
JERRY
Why didn't you get
Yoo-hoo at the deli?
KRAMER
Well, they don't take
Newman's credit card at the deli.
JERRY
Alright, alright.
There's half of George's Yoo-hoo in the garbage . . .
KRAMER DIVES INTO THE
GARBAGE BEFORE JERRY EVEN FINISHES. KRAMER RETRIEVES THE YOO-HOO, TAKES A GLASS
AND BEGINS POURING THE KALUHA AND THE YOO-HOO INTO IT AT THE SAME TIME.
KRAMER
This is my new drink,
Jerry. The Ka-loo-hoo.
JERRY
The Ka-loo-hoo?
KRAMER HOLDS OUT THE
DRINK TO JERRY.
KRAMER
Try it Jerry.
JERRY
I don't want to.
KRAMER
Suit yourself.
KRAMER SWALLOWS THE
DRINK THEN SHAKES AND TWITCHES VIOLENTLY.
KRAMER
Giddyup!
A VERY ANNOYED ELAINE
WALKS INTO JERRY'S APARTMENT.
ELAINE
I hate my job. It's
Peterman's pirate day. He thinks it's funny to dress up like a pirate and
intimidate all his employees.
KRAMER
Ooooh . . . you need
something to take the edge off.
KRAMER STARTS MIXING
ANOTHER KA-LOO-HOO.
ELAINE
Okay. Hey, Jerry, I just
met George's new girlfriend downstairs. She's attractive. For George.
KRAMER
Lisa? Oh yeah, she's one
hot tomato, alright.
JERRY
Does it really matter?
He'll screw himself one way or another.
KRAMER
Here's a Ka-loo-hoo,
Elaine
ELAINE
A Ka-loo-what?
KRAMER
Ka-loo-hoo. Yoo-hoo and
Kaluha.
ELAINE
Ah . . .no thank you.
JERRY
Hey, slow down on those
things. I've got a woman coming over here later, and I don't want you passed
out.
CUT TO:
SCENE C
EXT. STREET - DAY 1
GEORGE AND LISA ARE
WALKING DOWN THE STREET.
LISA
George, I need to do a
little shopping.
GEORGE
Uh-huh . . .
LISA
So we have been together
nearly a week now.
GEORGE
Oh boy . . . here it
comes.
LISA
What did you say?
GEORGE
I didn't say anything.
What were you about to say?
LISA
I think we should go
over to Helena's Passion and get something for me, you know . . . for later.
GEORGE STOPS AND GETS A
DAZED, HAPPY LOOK ON HIS FACE.
GEORGE
Isn't that over on 60th
and 3rd?
LISA
Yes, but let's stop at
the deli and get a couple of drinks to take with. I'm parched.
GEORGE GRABS HER HAND
AND STARTS TO RUN.
GEORGE
There's no time baby! No
time! They close at five!
LISA
George, it's only
two-thirty!
CUT TO:
SCENE D
EXT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE -
DAY 1
STOCK SHOT OF THE J.
PETERMAN OFFICE BUILDING
INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE -
DAY 1
ELAINE AND MR. PETERMAN
ARE SITTING IN HIS OFFICE BRAINSTORMING NEW PRODUCTS FOR THE CATALOG. PETERMAN
HAS ON AN EYEPATCH, A JOLLY ROGER HAT, AND IS WAVING AROUND PIRATE SWORD.
PETERMAN
Elaine, Elaine . . . how
did a gentle soft breeze like yourself get mixed with my band of nefarious
clothing buyers?
ELAINE
I ask myself that
everyday . . .
PETERMAN
Did you say something my
helpless young waif?
ELAINE
No . . .
PETERMAN
Do you know what those
rascals over at Banana Republic have done? Hmm?
ELAINE
No, not really. Look Mr.
Peterman could you just come down and give your approval on the new walking
sandals. The ones made by the impovrished child workers of Ecuador.
PETERMAN
Those scoundrels over at
Banana Republic have gone and introduced a line of furniture. Pure marketing
genius!
ELAINE
Uh-huh
. . .
PETERMAN
Set forth and find me
furniture Elaine! For the new line of Peterman's Home Furnishings! Do not
return to this office until you find something we can use!
ELAINE
Okay . . .
ELAINE IS SLINKING OUT
OF PETERMANS OFFICE AS HE LEANS BACK AND DREAMS OF FURNITURE.
CUT TO:
SCENE E
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -
DAY 1
JERRY IS IN HIS BATHROOM
SHAVING. KRAMER IS STILL POUNDING THE KA-LOO-HOOS IN THE LIVING ROOM ON THE
SOFA.
JERRY
Hey Kramer! How many of
those Ka-loo-hoos have you had today?
KRAMER
Well, how many Yoo-hoos
did you have in your fridge?
JERRY LOOKS DIRECTLY
INTO THE MIRROR.
JERRY
Oh no! Price-co the
Discount Warehouse! Sale on Yoo-hoo!
JERRY COMES OUT INTO THE
LIVING ROOM. KRAMER IS LYING ON THE COUCH PASSED OUT.
JERRY
Get up!
Kramer
Unnngggg . . .
JERRY STANDS DIRECTLY
OVER KRAMER.
JERRY
Go home!
KRAMER
Unnngggggg . . .
KRAMER THRASHES ABOUT
TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE. JERRY GRABS KRAMER'S ARMS AND TRIES TO PULL HIM OFF
THE COUCH. HE DOESN'T BUDGE.
CUT TO:
SCENE F
INT. HELENA'S PASSION -
DAY 1
GEORGE AND LISA ARRIVE
AT HELENA'S PASSION. HELENAIS BEHIND THE COUNTER PRICING UNDERWEAR.
LISA
Here it is, George. Why
don't you sit in that chair while I find something.
GEORGE'S VOICE OVER
SHOULD BE OVER QUICK SHOTS OF THE UNDERWEAR, HELENA, THE CHAIR, LISA AND OF
COURSE GEORGE HIMSELF.
GEORGE (V.O)
My God! I can't move. I
can't think! Too much to take in. It's more wonderful than I ever dreamed.
Can't walk! There's the chair. Concentrate on getting to the chair. Must use
all my super powers on getting to the chair. Oh boy, what is that? Where does
that go? What holds it up? Is that rubber? Get to the chair George! Oh no,
there's Helena. She's smiled at me. Smile back you fool, no need to alarm her.
Boy Jerry's in for a real treat tonight. She's probably wearing something under
her clothes that would be illegal below the Mason-Dixon line! That Jerry's one
lucky . . .
LISA
George? Are you okay?
You look flushed.
GEORGE
I'm fine, don't mind me!
GEORGE (V.O.)
Get to the chair. Oh no!
It moved. I knew it would. I'm finished. It's moving more and getting bigger.
When I need to use him he's not there for me, when I want him to leave me alone
he won't. Must get to the chair! Why did I have to wear such loose slacks?
LISA
George, do you like
this?
GEORGE MAKES A DIVE FOR
THE CHAIR, GETS IN IT, AND QUICKLY CROSSES HIS LEGS.
GEORGE
That's fine.
GEORGE (V.O.)
Stop talking to me. Let
me concentrate or this is going to end up like that incident in the Macy's bra
department when I was twelve.
HELENA STEPS AROUND THE
COUNTER AND PUTS HER HAND ON THE BACK OF GEORGE'S NECK.
HELENA
That's a very nice
piece. It's very clingy and form fitting. Perfect for those lazy Sundays with
your boyfriend, or those slinky summer nights on the town.
GEORGE (V.O.)
Concentrate George, your
mother's not here. Think about this chair. It's very comfortable for a
"guy chair." Antique probably. Wood grain is smooth, leather cushion
is comfy as well.
LISA
Do you have a matching
36 C "Boost It Up" bra for this?
HELENA
Right behind you. It
comes in with or without the nipple "peek-a-boo" option.
GEORGE (V.O.)
Stop the insanity!
LISA TAKES HER PURCHASES
TO THE COUNTER AND HELENA BEGINS RINGING THEM UP.
HELENA
Your boyfriend has been
so well behaved. He has been a good little boy and sat there quietly the entire
time you shopped.
GEORGE (V.O.)
I've got to get out of
here now!
GEORGE
How much do you want for
this chair?!
HELENA
Well I was going to
throw it away Monday. I'll let you have it for seventy-five.
GEORGE
Here's a hundred. Keep
the change.
GEORGE TURNS AROUND,
PICKS UP THE CHAIR, HOLDS IT IN FRONT OF HIMSELF, AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
SCENE G
EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -
NIGHT 1
STOCK SHOT OF JERRY'S
APARTMENT
INT-JERRY'S
APARTMENT-NIGHT 1
HELENA ARRIVES IN
JERRY'S DOORWAY FOR THEIR DATE. KRAMER IS PASSED OUT ON THE COUCH WITH THE
BOTTLE OF KALUHA AND YOO-HOO BOTTLES SCATTERED AROUND HIM.
HELENA
Jerry!
JERRY
Helena! What do you want
for dinner?
THEY EMBRACE.
HELENA
Let's just order in.
It's been a strange day. A short, portly, bald man bought a beat up chair from
me for a hundred dollars.
JERRY
That's not so strange.
Want Chinese?
HELENA
Let's start with
dessert.
THE PAIR KISS
PASSIONATELY AND START TO MAKE THEIR WAY INTO THE BEDROOM. HELENA SEES KRAMER.
HELENA
I didn't know you had a
roommate.
JERRY
And neither did I.
THEY ENTER THE BEDROOM.
JERRY
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
KRAMER BOLTS UP AWAKE
AND YOO-HOO BOTTLES GO FLYING.
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE H
EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -
NIGHT 1
STOCK SHOT OF JERRY'S
APARTMENT
INT. JERRY'S
APARTMENT-NIGHT 1
JERRY AND KRAMER ARE
SITTING ON THE COUCH. JERRY LOOKS DAZED.
KRAMER
Jerry, man, snap out of
it! What the hell was going on in there?
JERRY
She had nothing on under
her pants.
KRAMER
Nothing on?
JERRY
She owns a lingerie store
and doesn't wear underwear. There was no real barrier. Just her pants and then
pure air . . .
KRAMER
Some women find it more
erotic not to wear panties than to wear some exotic leopard print thong. Take
myself for example . . .
JERRY
Ah! Ah! Stop right there
mister! I'd rather not hear any of your perverse fetishes right now! The matter
at hand is that she was one zip away to being exposed to all the world.
KRAMER
Her boys were out there.
JERRY
Kramer, girls have
girls. We have the boys.
KRAMER
Well, in some rare cases
girls have boys and some boys have girls. You know Newman's second cousin
Walter.
JERRY
Don't tell me anymore
Kramer!
KRAMER AND JERRY SIT IN
SILENCE MOMENTARILY.
KRAMER
That's not what was
going on in there was it?
JERRY
No!
ELAINE WALKS IN THE DOOR
THAT'S AJAR.
ELAINE
Hi ya, boys!
JERRY AND KRAMER GIVE
EACH OTHER A LOOK.
ELAINE
What's going on Jerry?
KRAMER
He just found out Helena
doesn't wear panties.
ELAINE
Oh boy . . .
GEORGE ENTERS THE
APARTMENT CARRYING THE CHAIR FROM HELENA'S. HE SITS DOWN IN IT.
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