THE TESSMACHER CHAIR

A

SPEC SCRIPT

BY

MICHAEL BOYD

TEASER

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. SUBWAY - DAY 1

GEORGE AND JERRY ARE STANDING IN A SUBWAY CAR HOLDING THE METAL BARS. A WALL STREET TYPE GUY IS STANDING ON THE RIGHT OF FRAME WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS NOT HOLDING ONTO ANYTHING. THE SUBWAY TAKES OFF SUDDENLY AND THE WALL STREET TYPE IS THROWN INTO AN ANNOYED JERRY AND GEORGE. THE MAN PICKS HIMSELF UP AND EXITS LEFT OF FRAME.

GEORGE

Why can't people just hold on? That's what these bars are here for!

JERRY

He's a surfer, George. He's worried about catching germs.

GEORGE

You know, I hear leprosy is making a comeback in New York.

JERRY

And I'd expect you to be right on top of that situation.

GEORGE

I think about it constantly!

GEORGE RELEASES HIS HAND FROM THE SAFETY RAIL AND LOOKS IT OVER.

JERRY

I wouldn't assume any less.

GEORGE

A new strain of T.B. has been discovered as well.

JERRY

Look, George, just do what I do and carry around a few anti-bacterial wet- wipes.

JERRY PULLS A SMALL PACKET OUT OF HIS POCKET AND HANDS IT TO GEORGE. GEORGE TAKES THE PACKET. AT THAT MOMENT, THE SUBWAY TRAIN COMES TO A SQUEALING STOP. JERRY SMOOTHLY STEPS OUT OF THE WAY AS GEORGE IS THROWN FORWARD TO THE FLOOR OF THE CAR. THE WALL STREET TYPE RE-ENTERS THE FRAME BY FALLING ON TOP OF GEORGE.

GEORGE

Get him offa me! Get him offa me!

FADE OUT.

SCENE B

FADE IN:

EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY 1

STOCK SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING

INT. JERRY'S APT - DAY 1

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE IN HIS APARTMENT. GEORGE IS GETTING A YOO-HOO OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND JERRY IS SITTING ON THE ARM OF HIS COUCH CASUALLY LOOKING AT THE SPORTS PAGE.

GEORGE

How do you meet these women? How are you going on a date with the owner of Helena's Passion?

JERRY

Yup, I'm going out with Helena.

GEORGE

That's the kinky lingerie store over on 60th and 3rd Ave!

JERRY

Oh, I know exactly what Helena's Passion is about, mister!

GEORGE

Whenever I walk by that store, I have this incredible urge to look at those mannaquins wearing the crotchless panties and feather boas. I can never stare too long. I get overcome with guilt and I'm afraid I'll be struck blind.

JERRY

I don't think that'll happen by just looking. It's what you do later that you should be concerned about.

GEORGE

So, how'd you meet her?

JERRRY

On my flight home from Burbank yesterday.

GEORGE

She just started talking to you?

JERRY

We pretty much started talking to each other at the same time.

GEORGE

You are amazing! I'm shunned on planes. Even by the stewardess. Even by old ladies. I once tried to help an older woman put her bag into the overhead compartment, you know she was backing up the aisle . . .

JERRY

I know the back-up . . .

GEORGE

. . . well, she started beating me senseless with her luggage cart.

JERRY

Why do I find this so easy to picture?

GEORGE SIPS HIS YOO-HOO.

GEORGE

Lisa is going to be here in a minute. Can I save this in the fridge for later?

JERRY

I don't think so.

GEORGE

Why not?

JERRY

Your lips have been on it. What if I decide I want a Yoo-hoo and drink yours by mistake? (beat) Can't you take it with?

GEORGE

I can't do it. Lisa's never seen me drink and walk. Nine times out of ten I spill!

JERRY

That Yoo-hoo goes with you or it goes in the garbage. What's it going to be?

GEORGE

Garbage.

GEORGE PUTS THE CAP BACK ON AND DROPS THE HALF BOTTLE OF YOO-HOO INTO THE GARBAGE. DOOR BUZZER.

JERRY

That Lisa?

GEORGE

Yeah.

JERRY KEEPS READING THE PAPER. HE DOESN'T MOVE TO ANSWER HIS DOOR.

GEORGE

Well, aren't you going to buzz her up?

JERRY

Eyahh... I've met your girlfriends before.

GEORGE

You haven't met Lisa!

JERRY

I don't really need to, George.

GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR.

GEORGE

What if I told you I don't want to ever meet Helena?

JERRY

There is no way you would ever not want to meet her. You just aren't strong enough.

GEORGE

I know. I know. . .

GEORGE EXITS. KRAMER WALKS INTO JERRY'S CARRYING A BOTTLE OF KALUHA.

KRAMER

Hey . . .

JERRY

Hey . . .what's that bottle?

KRAMER

Oh this is Kaluha, Jerry. The good stuff.

JERRY

Don't you drink that in coffee?

KRAMER

Oh . . .some people do. Can I have a Yoo-hoo?

JERRY

Why didn't you buy Yoo-hoo when you bought the Kaluha?

KRAMER

Well, they don't sell Yoo-hoo at the liquor store.

JERRY

Why didn't you get Yoo-hoo at the deli?

KRAMER

Well, they don't take Newman's credit card at the deli.

JERRY

Alright, alright. There's half of George's Yoo-hoo in the garbage . . .

KRAMER DIVES INTO THE GARBAGE BEFORE JERRY EVEN FINISHES. KRAMER RETRIEVES THE YOO-HOO, TAKES A GLASS AND BEGINS POURING THE KALUHA AND THE YOO-HOO INTO IT AT THE SAME TIME.

KRAMER

This is my new drink, Jerry.  The Ka-loo-hoo.

JERRY

The Ka-loo-hoo?

KRAMER HOLDS OUT THE DRINK TO JERRY.

KRAMER

Try it Jerry.

JERRY

I don't want to.

KRAMER

Suit yourself.

KRAMER SWALLOWS THE DRINK THEN SHAKES AND TWITCHES VIOLENTLY.

KRAMER

Giddyup!

A VERY ANNOYED ELAINE WALKS INTO JERRY'S APARTMENT.

ELAINE

I hate my job. It's Peterman's pirate day. He thinks it's funny to dress up like a pirate and intimidate all his employees.

KRAMER

Ooooh . . . you need something to take the edge off.

KRAMER STARTS MIXING ANOTHER KA-LOO-HOO.

ELAINE

Okay. Hey, Jerry, I just met George's new girlfriend downstairs. She's attractive. For George.

KRAMER

Lisa? Oh yeah, she's one hot tomato, alright.

JERRY

Does it really matter? He'll screw himself one way or another.

KRAMER

Here's a Ka-loo-hoo, Elaine

ELAINE

A Ka-loo-what?

KRAMER

Ka-loo-hoo. Yoo-hoo and Kaluha.

ELAINE

Ah . . .no thank you.

JERRY

Hey, slow down on those things. I've got a woman coming over here later, and I don't want you passed out.

CUT TO:

SCENE C

EXT. STREET - DAY 1

GEORGE AND LISA ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

LISA

George, I need to do a little shopping.

GEORGE

Uh-huh . . .

LISA

So we have been together nearly a week now.

GEORGE

Oh boy . . . here it comes.

LISA

What did you say?

GEORGE

I didn't say anything. What were you about to say?

LISA

I think we should go over to Helena's Passion and get something for me, you know . . . for later.

GEORGE STOPS AND GETS A DAZED, HAPPY LOOK ON HIS FACE.

GEORGE

Isn't that over on 60th and 3rd?

LISA

Yes, but let's stop at the deli and get a couple of drinks to take with. I'm parched.

GEORGE GRABS HER HAND AND STARTS TO RUN.

GEORGE

There's no time baby! No time! They close at five!

LISA

George, it's only two-thirty!

CUT TO:

SCENE D

EXT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY 1

STOCK SHOT OF THE J. PETERMAN OFFICE BUILDING

INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY 1

ELAINE AND MR. PETERMAN ARE SITTING IN HIS OFFICE BRAINSTORMING NEW PRODUCTS FOR THE CATALOG. PETERMAN HAS ON AN EYEPATCH, A JOLLY ROGER HAT, AND IS WAVING AROUND PIRATE SWORD.

PETERMAN

Elaine, Elaine . . . how did a gentle soft breeze like yourself get mixed with my band of nefarious clothing buyers?

ELAINE

I ask myself that everyday . . .

PETERMAN

Did you say something my helpless young waif?

ELAINE

No . . .

PETERMAN

Do you know what those rascals over at Banana Republic have done? Hmm?

ELAINE

No, not really. Look Mr. Peterman could you just come down and give your approval on the new walking sandals. The ones made by the impovrished child workers of Ecuador.

PETERMAN

Those scoundrels over at Banana Republic have gone and introduced a line of furniture. Pure marketing genius!

ELAINE

Uh-huh . . .

PETERMAN

Set forth and find me furniture Elaine! For the new line of Peterman's Home Furnishings! Do not return to this office until you find something we can use!

ELAINE

Okay . . .

ELAINE IS SLINKING OUT OF PETERMANS OFFICE AS HE LEANS BACK AND DREAMS OF FURNITURE.

CUT TO:

SCENE E

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY 1

JERRY IS IN HIS BATHROOM SHAVING. KRAMER IS STILL POUNDING THE KA-LOO-HOOS IN THE LIVING ROOM ON THE SOFA.

JERRY

Hey Kramer! How many of those Ka-loo-hoos have you had today?

KRAMER

Well, how many Yoo-hoos did you have in your fridge?

JERRY LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE MIRROR.

JERRY

Oh no! Price-co the Discount Warehouse! Sale on Yoo-hoo!

JERRY COMES OUT INTO THE LIVING ROOM. KRAMER IS LYING ON THE COUCH PASSED OUT.

JERRY

Get up!

Kramer

Unnngggg . . .

JERRY STANDS DIRECTLY OVER KRAMER.

JERRY

Go home!

KRAMER

Unnngggggg . . .

KRAMER THRASHES ABOUT TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE. JERRY GRABS KRAMER'S ARMS AND TRIES TO PULL HIM OFF THE COUCH. HE DOESN'T BUDGE.

CUT TO:

SCENE F

INT. HELENA'S PASSION - DAY 1

GEORGE AND LISA ARRIVE AT HELENA'S PASSION. HELENAIS BEHIND THE COUNTER PRICING UNDERWEAR.

LISA

Here it is, George. Why don't you sit in that chair while I find something.

GEORGE'S VOICE OVER SHOULD BE OVER QUICK SHOTS OF THE UNDERWEAR, HELENA, THE CHAIR, LISA AND OF COURSE GEORGE HIMSELF.

GEORGE (V.O)

My God! I can't move. I can't think! Too much to take in. It's more wonderful than I ever dreamed. Can't walk! There's the chair. Concentrate on getting to the chair. Must use all my super powers on getting to the chair. Oh boy, what is that? Where does that go? What holds it up? Is that rubber? Get to the chair George! Oh no, there's Helena. She's smiled at me. Smile back you fool, no need to alarm her. Boy Jerry's in for a real treat tonight. She's probably wearing something under her clothes that would be illegal below the Mason-Dixon line! That Jerry's one lucky . . .

LISA

George? Are you okay? You look flushed.

GEORGE

I'm fine, don't mind me!

GEORGE (V.O.)

Get to the chair. Oh no! It moved. I knew it would. I'm finished. It's moving more and getting bigger. When I need to use him he's not there for me, when I want him to leave me alone he won't. Must get to the chair! Why did I have to wear such loose slacks?

LISA

George, do you like this?

GEORGE MAKES A DIVE FOR THE CHAIR, GETS IN IT, AND QUICKLY CROSSES HIS LEGS.

GEORGE

That's fine.

GEORGE (V.O.)

Stop talking to me. Let me concentrate or this is going to end up like that incident in the Macy's bra department when I was twelve.

HELENA STEPS AROUND THE COUNTER AND PUTS HER HAND ON THE BACK OF GEORGE'S NECK.

HELENA

That's a very nice piece. It's very clingy and form fitting. Perfect for those lazy Sundays with your boyfriend, or those slinky summer nights on the town.

GEORGE (V.O.)

Concentrate George, your mother's not here. Think about this chair. It's very comfortable for a "guy chair." Antique probably. Wood grain is smooth, leather cushion is comfy as well.

LISA

Do you have a matching 36 C "Boost It Up" bra for this?

HELENA

Right behind you. It comes in with or without the nipple "peek-a-boo" option.

GEORGE (V.O.)

Stop the insanity!

LISA TAKES HER PURCHASES TO THE COUNTER AND HELENA BEGINS RINGING THEM UP.

HELENA

Your boyfriend has been so well behaved. He has been a good little boy and sat there quietly the entire time you shopped.

GEORGE (V.O.)

I've got to get out of here now!

GEORGE

How much do you want for this chair?!

HELENA

Well I was going to throw it away Monday. I'll let you have it for seventy-five.

GEORGE

Here's a hundred. Keep the change.

GEORGE TURNS AROUND, PICKS UP THE CHAIR, HOLDS IT IN FRONT OF HIMSELF, AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR.

CUT TO:

SCENE G

EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 1

STOCK SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT

INT-JERRY'S APARTMENT-NIGHT 1

HELENA ARRIVES IN JERRY'S DOORWAY FOR THEIR DATE. KRAMER IS PASSED OUT ON THE COUCH WITH THE BOTTLE OF KALUHA AND YOO-HOO BOTTLES SCATTERED AROUND HIM.

HELENA

Jerry!

JERRY

Helena! What do you want for dinner?

THEY EMBRACE.

HELENA

Let's just order in. It's been a strange day. A short, portly, bald man bought a beat up chair from me for a hundred dollars.

JERRY

That's not so strange. Want Chinese?

HELENA

Let's start with dessert.

THE PAIR KISS PASSIONATELY AND START TO MAKE THEIR WAY INTO THE BEDROOM. HELENA SEES KRAMER.

HELENA

I didn't know you had a roommate.

JERRY

And neither did I.

THEY ENTER THE BEDROOM.

JERRY

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

KRAMER BOLTS UP AWAKE AND YOO-HOO BOTTLES GO FLYING.

FADE OUT.

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE H

EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 1

STOCK SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT-NIGHT 1

JERRY AND KRAMER ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. JERRY LOOKS DAZED.

KRAMER

Jerry, man, snap out of it! What the hell was going on in there?

JERRY

She had nothing on under her pants.

KRAMER

Nothing on?

JERRY

She owns a lingerie store and doesn't wear underwear. There was no real barrier. Just her pants and then pure air . . .

KRAMER

Some women find it more erotic not to wear panties than to wear some exotic leopard print thong. Take myself for example . . .

JERRY

Ah! Ah! Stop right there mister! I'd rather not hear any of your perverse fetishes right now! The matter at hand is that she was one zip away to being exposed to all the world.

KRAMER

Her boys were out there.

JERRY

Kramer, girls have girls. We have the boys.

KRAMER

Well, in some rare cases girls have boys and some boys have girls. You know Newman's second cousin Walter.

JERRY

Don't tell me anymore Kramer!

KRAMER AND JERRY SIT IN SILENCE MOMENTARILY.

KRAMER

That's not what was going on in there was it?

JERRY

No!

ELAINE WALKS IN THE DOOR THAT'S AJAR.

ELAINE

Hi ya, boys!

JERRY AND KRAMER GIVE EACH OTHER A LOOK.

ELAINE

What's going on Jerry?

KRAMER

He just found out Helena doesn't wear panties.

ELAINE

Oh boy . . .

GEORGE ENTERS THE APARTMENT CARRYING THE CHAIR FROM HELENA'S. HE SITS DOWN IN IT.

JERRY

Where'd you get that chair?

GEORGE

From Helena's Passion. Hey, I thought you had a date with her tonight?

KRAMER

Oh he did. Then he found out she doesn't wear panties.

GEORGE

No panties? Look at the selection she could choose from. Someone with "days of the week" could easily switch to "days of the decade."

KRAMER GOES BACK TO HIS APARTMENT.

ELAINE

George this chair is an antique. Look at this plaque on the back. "Property of William Tessmacher the Third, 1897."

GEORGE

So?

ELAINE

So? You nimrod get out of my antique chair!

JERRY

Who's this guy Tessmacher?

ELAINE

He was an African big game hunter at the turn of the century. We have a pith helmet named after him in the Peterman catalog.

GEORGE

So?

(beat)

You want my new chair don't you? You can't have it, Elaine! It's the most comfortable chair I've ever sat in.

ELAINE LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE CHAIR.

ELAINE

George, Mr. Peterman wants us to get a furniture line in the catalog. This would give me most favored employee status if I brought in this chair and suggested we make replicas for the catalog.

GEORGE

I'm sorry Elaine. You can't bully ol'Georgie-boy out of this one. I love this chair.

ELAINE TAKES THE BACK OF THE CHAIR, LIFTS IT UP AND DUMPS GEORGE OUT ONTO THE FLOOR.

ELAINE

George, I'm taking this chair!

CUT TO:

SCENE I

EXT. MONK'S - DAY 2

STOCK SHOT OF MONK'S.

INT. MONK'S-DAY 2

ELAINE AND JERRY ARE SITTING IN MONK'S HAVING LUNCH.

JERRY

So, the Tessmacher chair is in full production? What did you come up for it?

ELAINE

Here let me read it to you. "Tessmacher had been in deepest Africa for days waiting for that pesky family of lions. Alone, sitting in his high backed leather chair still and quiet preparing for their return. It's fine wood grained arms and  smooth calf leather were his only comfort in his game of waiting. Of course he had his gun. He always had his gun, stroking it's shaft and caressing it's stock. Then the huntress was upon him. Blam! It was a clean shot. Tessmacher gripped his chair tighter. Now where is that pesky male?" What do you think Jerry?

JERRY

I think this Tessmacher guy was a pretty lazy hunter. He never got up and stalked his prey. He just waited for the lions to come to him? How sportsman is that?

ELAINE

Have you ever gone on a big game hunt?

JERRY

No.

ELAINE

That's what I thought.

TWO MEN COME IN DRINKING CHOCOLATE DRINKS IN YOO-HOO BOTTLES BUT WITH DIFFERENT LABELS ON THEM.

MAN ONE

These Ka-loo-hoos are something else.

MAN TWO

I'm already catching a good buzz.

JERRY

What did you call that drink?

MAN TWO

Ka-loo-hoo. Yoo-hoo and Kaluha.

MAN ONE

Guy across the street is selling them. He's got a booth and is sitting in a high-backed leather chair. Only in New York, huh?

JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT EACH OTHER, RISE AND EXIT MONK'S.

CUT TO:

SCENE J

EXT. STREET - DAY 2

KRAMER IS SITTING BEHIND A TABLE IN THE TESSMACHER CHAIR SELLING KA-LOO-HOO'S. A CROWD OF CHILDREN HAVE GATHERED AROUND HIM ALL HOLDING THEIR MONEY OUT.

BOY ONE

What do you mean I can't have one?

KRAMER

You told me you were 9. You're too young.

BOY TWO

I'll take one Ka-loo-hoo.

KRAMER

How old are you?

BOY TWO

Twelve.

KRAMER LOOKS BACK AT BOY ONE.

KRAMER

See he gets one. He's two digits. That's legal.

JERRY AND ELAINE WALK UP AS KRAMER IS POURING A PRE-MADE SOLUTION INTO A YOO-HOO BOTTLE WITH HIS OWN LABEL.

JERRY

What are you doing!

KRAMER

I'm selling my Ka-loo-hoo's, Jerry.

ELAINE

Haven't you ever heard of a liquor license? Besides that you're selling it to kids.

KRAMER

Well it's good for them Elaine. All kids like chocolate.

BOY THREE

I've had three today.

JERRY

Isn't that a Tessmacher chair?

KRAMER

Yeah, Elaine gave me and George a couple of the first samples.

JERRY

Elaine?!

ELAINE

I didn't think you'd want one, Jerry.

JERRY

I don't, but you could of asked.

KRAMER

What's going down for the Jerry-man today?

JERRY

I'm going home and call up Helena. She needs to be confronted about her little problem.

ELAINE

That's so selfless of you, Jerome.

KRAMER

If I were you I'd call the Better Business Bureau. There might be a law.

JERRY AND ELAINE WALK OFF IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS. KRAMER STANDS UP HALF-WAY.

KRAMER

Thanks for the chair Elaine. It's super-duper comfy!

KRAMER CLUTCHES HIS BACK LIKE AN OLD MAN.

KRAMER

Owww, ahhhh cha-cha!

CUT TO:

SCENE K

INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT - DAY 2

LISA AND GEORGE ARE IN HIS APARTMENT. GEORGE IS SITTING ON HIS NEW TESSMACHER CHAIR CASUALLY FLIPPING THROUGH THE TV CHANNELS.

LISA

Let's go have lunch George.

GEORGE

Let's order in. I have menus in that drawer over there.

LISA

Would you like to go to the park?

GEORGE

Eyah . . . I don't think so.

LISA

Don't you want to do anything?

GEORGE

I'm pretty comfortable right here.

LISA

It's that damn chair isn't it?

GEORGE

Well, actually . . .

LISA

Do you want to have sex George? I think we should have sex! Let's have sex!

GEORGE

Can we . . .do it in the chair?

LISA

I'm leaving.

GEORGE

Lisa . . .

LISA

Look what you could of had George, all your fantasies could come true.

LISA STANDS IN FRONT OF GEORGE OPENS HER BLOUSE AND FLASHES HIM.

LISA

Yes this is the 36 C "Boost It Up" with the peek-a-boo nipples. You're a stupid, stupid man.

GEORGE

I know. I know. . .

LISA EXITS. GEORGE IS LEFT DAZED IN HIS CHAIR.

CUT TO:

SCENE L

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY 2            INT. HELENA'S PASSION - DAY 2

JERRY AND HELENA ARE ON THE PHONE WITH EACH OTHER. THE SCREEN IS SPLIT AND BOTH LOCATIONS CAN BE SEEN.

JERRY

If we're going to date, you're going to have to put something on down there!

HELENA

I guess we're not going to date then!

JERRY

You own a lingerie store! It's not right!

HELENA

Underwear retricts and binds. It's not natural.

JERRY

You probably would have been one of those bra-burning instigators in the sixties.

HELENA

My mother was a bra-burning instigator in the sixties.

JERRY

How can you be anti-underwear? It's your whole livelihood!

HELENA

Don't call me again.

HELENA HANGS UP THE PHONE AND THE SCREEN WIPES ACROSS SO THAT ONLY JERRY IS LEFT.

JERRY

There's still hope.

CUT TO:

SCENE M

INT / EXT. MONTAGE - DAY 2

GEORGE AND HIS CHAIR ON A CROWDED SUBWAY, GEORGE AND HIS CHAIR BESIDE A HOT DOG STAND EATING HOT DOGS, GEORGE AT THE MOVIES WITH HIS CHAIR PARKED IN THE AISLE AND HIM IN IT, GEORGE SHOOTING BASKETS FROM THE CHAIR AT A COURT, FINALLY, GEORGE DOING NOTHING AT HIS JOB AT YANKEE STADIUM.

CUT TO:

SCENE N

INT. STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE - DAY 2

GEORGE HESITANTLY OPENS THE DOOR TO STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE.

GEORGE

You wanted to see me sir.

STEINBRENNER

Come in George, come in! Close that door! What's this I hear about your new chair? You have a new chair? I hear it's a very comfortable chair. Is it a comfortable chair George? I want a chair like that, George. If I like it, everyone in the office will get one. Hell, if I like it George, I might put them all over Yankee Stadium. What do you think about that, George?

GEORGE

Okay.

STEINBRENNER

Bring me your chair George! I want to try it out for the rest of the day!

CUT TO:

SCENE O

INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY 2

ELAINE IS SITTING IN FRONT OF PETERMAN AT HIS DESK THE ORIGINAL CHAIR IS BESIDE THEM.

PETERMAN

Elaine, the Tessmacher Chair is a complete and utter failure. It's not comfortable at all.

ELAINE

What!? Are you sure?

PETERMAN

I've had the best chair testers on it all night. Boys step in a moment please.

THREE MEN STEP IN HUNCHED OVER AND CLUTCHING THERE BACKS LIKE OLD MEN.

ELAINE

Oh my God, I had no idea.

PETERMAN

Of course you didn't. If I sell these chairs I'll be sued out of business!

ELAINE

I only heard how comfortable it was.

PETERMAN

This is a picture of Tessmacher I found. Notice he's a short, bald and a rather portly gentleman. This chair was made exactly to his physical specifications. Anyone else who sits in it finds the chair incredibly uncomfortable.

ELAINE

George!

PETERMAN STANDS UP AND IS CLUTCHING HIS BACK IN PAIN AS WELL.

PETERMAN

Close my door on your way out.

ELAINE

Yes sir . . .

ELAINE SLINKS OUT OF THE OFFICE.

CUT TO:

SCENE P

INT. HELENA'S PASSION-DAY 2

JERRY ENTERS HELENA'S PASSION TAKES A PAIR OF PANTIES OFF THE RACK AND WALKS UP TO HELENA. A GROUP OF WOMENARE ALSO IN THE STORE.

HELENA

What are you doing here?

JERRY

To make you put something on! It's disgraceful.

HELENA

I won't do it!

JERRY

Put it on! If not for me, then the next poor man who starts dating you under false pretenses!

HELENA

Get out of my store you lunatic!

JERRY STARTS TO ADDRESS THE CUSTOMERS IN THE STORE.

JERRY

This woman owns a lingerie store and doesn't wear underwear. Ask yourselves, can you shop here with that knowledge?

WOMEN ONE

That's disgusting!

WOMEN TWO

What? She has no faith in her own merchandise? Let's go.

WOMEN THREE

There might be a law. I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.

THE WOMEN LEAVE THE STORE.

HELENA

I hate you.

JERRY

Then my job here is done.

CUT TO:

SCENE Q

EXT. YANKEE STADIUM - DAY 2

STOCK SHOTOF YANKEE STADIUM.

CUT TO:

SCENE R

INT. STEINBRENNERS OFFICE - DAY 2

STEINBRENNER IS STUCK IN THE TESSMACHER CHAIR.

STEINBRENNER

George! I'm stuck in this chair, George! Get me out of this chair! Oh the pain, the pain! It's unbearable! George!

CUT TO:

SCENE S

EXT. STREET - DAY 2

KRAMER IS STILL SITTING AT HIS KA-LOO-HOO STAND IN THE TESSMACHER CHAIR WITH VARIOUS KIDS AROUND HIM. TWO WOMEN WITH A POLICEMANARE COMING DOWN THE STREET.

WOMAN ONE

There's the hipster doofus that gave my little Billy that spiked Yoo-hoo!

KRAMER

Uh-oh . . .

KRAMER PICKS UP HIS BOTTLES AND GETS UP TO RUN AWAY. DUE TO THE TESSMACHER CHAIR, KRAMER IS BENT OVER HOBBLING DOWN THE STREET AWAY FROM THE POLICEMAN, WHO IS PURSUING HIM WITH HIS NIGHTSTICK DRAWN. KRAMER COMES UPON BOXES OF LINGERIE FROM HELENA'S WHO IS NOW MOVING OUT OF THE STORE. WHILE HOBBLING, KRAMER LOOKS BACK AT THE COP AND RUNS INTO THE BOXES OF UNDERWEAR. HE PICKS HIMSELF UP AND IS COVERED BY THE UNDERWEAR. HE TAKES OFF DOWN THE STREET AGAIN WITH THE COP STILL IN HOT PURSUIT. JERRY IS THERE WATCHING HELENA PACK UP.

JERRY

Even he's wearing your underwear!

HELENA

Shut up, Jerry.

JERRY

Just put it on! I'll keep dating you! That's all you want, right?

HELENA

Oh, entice me a little more.

KRAMER IS STILL RUNNING DOWN THE STREET. END ON A FREEZE FRAME OF HIM AND THE POLICEMAN.

KRAMER

Banzai!

FADE OUT.

TAG

SCENE T

FADE IN:

EXT. MONKS' - NIGHT 2

STOCK SHOT OF MONK'S.

INT. MONK'S-NIGHT 2

JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, KRAMER ARE SITTING AT MONK'S. A WAITRESSHAS JUST WRITTEN THEM THE TICKET.

JERRY

That's incredible. The chair's dimensions are only perfect for someone of George's size.

ELAINE

My job is on a thin thread now George, thanks to you.

KRAMER

You can sell Ka-loo-hoos for me Elaine. I need somebody selling downtown.

ELAINE

I'm not selling Ka-loo-hoos!

KRAMER

Hey George, look what I snagged for you today.

KRAMER PULLS OUT A LEOPARD PRINT THONG.

KRAMER

You can give it to your next girlfriend.

GEORGE LOOKS AT THE THONG, THEN DOWN AT HIS CROTCH, THEN AT THE WAITRESS.

GEORGE

I'm going to need a couple more sandwiches over here. And a king size bowl of gespacho!

FADE OUT.