THE TESSMACHER CHAIR

A

SPEC SCRIPT

BY

MICHAEL BOYD

TEASER

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. SUBWAY - DAY 1

GEORGE AND JERRY ARE STANDING IN A SUBWAY CAR HOLDING THE METAL BARS. A WALL STREET TYPE GUY IS STANDING ON THE RIGHT OF FRAME WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS NOT HOLDING ONTO ANYTHING. THE SUBWAY TAKES OFF SUDDENLY AND THE WALL STREET TYPE IS THROWN INTO AN ANNOYED JERRY AND GEORGE. THE MAN PICKS HIMSELF UP AND EXITS LEFT OF FRAME.

GEORGE

Why can't people just hold on? That's what these bars are here for!

JERRY

He's a surfer, George. He's worried about catching germs.

GEORGE

You know, I hear leprosy is making a comeback in New York.

JERRY

And I'd expect you to be right on top of that situation.

GEORGE

I think about it constantly!

GEORGE RELEASES HIS HAND FROM THE SAFETY RAIL AND LOOKS IT OVER.

JERRY

I wouldn't assume any less.

GEORGE

A new strain of T.B. has been discovered as well.

JERRY

Look, George, just do what I do and carry around a few anti-bacterial wet- wipes.

JERRY PULLS A SMALL PACKET OUT OF HIS POCKET AND HANDS IT TO GEORGE. GEORGE TAKES THE PACKET. AT THAT MOMENT, THE SUBWAY TRAIN COMES TO A SQUEALING STOP. JERRY SMOOTHLY STEPS OUT OF THE WAY AS GEORGE IS THROWN FORWARD TO THE FLOOR OF THE CAR. THE WALL STREET TYPE RE-ENTERS THE FRAME BY FALLING ON TOP OF GEORGE.

GEORGE

Get him offa me! Get him offa me!

FADE OUT.

SCENE B

FADE IN:

EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY 1

STOCK SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING

INT. JERRY'S APT - DAY 1

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE IN HIS APARTMENT. GEORGE IS GETTING A YOO-HOO OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND JERRY IS SITTING ON THE ARM OF HIS COUCH CASUALLY LOOKING AT THE SPORTS PAGE.

GEORGE

How do you meet these women? How are you going on a date with the owner of Helena's Passion?

JERRY

Yup, I'm going out with Helena.

GEORGE

That's the kinky lingerie store over on 60th and 3rd Ave!

JERRY

Oh, I know exactly what Helena's Passion is about, mister!

GEORGE

Whenever I walk by that store, I have this incredible urge to look at those mannaquins wearing the crotchless panties and feather boas. I can never stare too long. I get overcome with guilt and I'm afraid I'll be struck blind.

JERRY

I don't think that'll happen by just looking. It's what you do later that you should be concerned about.

GEORGE

So, how'd you meet her?

JERRRY

On my flight home from Burbank yesterday.

GEORGE

She just started talking to you?

JERRY

We pretty much started talking to each other at the same time.

GEORGE

You are amazing! I'm shunned on planes. Even by the stewardess. Even by old ladies. I once tried to help an older woman put her bag into the overhead compartment, you know she was backing up the aisle . . .

JERRY

I know the back-up . . .

GEORGE

. . . well, she started beating me senseless with her luggage cart.

JERRY

Why do I find this so easy to picture?

GEORGE SIPS HIS YOO-HOO.

GEORGE

Lisa is going to be here in a minute. Can I save this in the fridge for later?

JERRY

I don't think so.

GEORGE

Why not?

JERRY

Your lips have been on it. What if I decide I want a Yoo-hoo and drink yours by mistake? (beat) Can't you take it with?

GEORGE

I can't do it. Lisa's never seen me drink and walk. Nine times out of ten I spill!

JERRY

That Yoo-hoo goes with you or it goes in the garbage. What's it going to be?

GEORGE

Garbage.

GEORGE PUTS THE CAP BACK ON AND DROPS THE HALF BOTTLE OF YOO-HOO INTO THE GARBAGE. DOOR BUZZER.

JERRY

That Lisa?

GEORGE

Yeah.

JERRY KEEPS READING THE PAPER. HE DOESN'T MOVE TO ANSWER HIS DOOR.

GEORGE

Well, aren't you going to buzz her up?

JERRY

Eyahh... I've met your girlfriends before.

GEORGE

You haven't met Lisa!

JERRY

I don't really need to, George.

GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR.

GEORGE

What if I told you I don't want to ever meet Helena?

JERRY

There is no way you would ever not want to meet her. You just aren't strong enough.

GEORGE

I know. I know. . .

GEORGE EXITS. KRAMER WALKS INTO JERRY'S CARRYING A BOTTLE OF KALUHA.

KRAMER

Hey . . .

JERRY

Hey . . .what's that bottle?

KRAMER

Oh this is Kaluha, Jerry. The good stuff.

JERRY

Don't you drink that in coffee?

KRAMER

Oh . . .some people do. Can I have a Yoo-hoo?

JERRY

Why didn't you buy Yoo-hoo when you bought the Kaluha?

KRAMER

Well, they don't sell Yoo-hoo at the liquor store.

JERRY

Why didn't you get Yoo-hoo at the deli?

KRAMER

Well, they don't take Newman's credit card at the deli.

JERRY

Alright, alright. There's half of George's Yoo-hoo in the garbage . . .

KRAMER DIVES INTO THE GARBAGE BEFORE JERRY EVEN FINISHES. KRAMER RETRIEVES THE YOO-HOO, TAKES A GLASS AND BEGINS POURING THE KALUHA AND THE YOO-HOO INTO IT AT THE SAME TIME.

KRAMER

This is my new drink, Jerry.  The Ka-loo-hoo.

JERRY

The Ka-loo-hoo?

KRAMER HOLDS OUT THE DRINK TO JERRY.

KRAMER

Try it Jerry.

JERRY

I don't want to.

KRAMER

Suit yourself.

KRAMER SWALLOWS THE DRINK THEN SHAKES AND TWITCHES VIOLENTLY.

KRAMER

Giddyup!

A VERY ANNOYED ELAINE WALKS INTO JERRY'S APARTMENT.

ELAINE

I hate my job. It's Peterman's pirate day. He thinks it's funny to dress up like a pirate and intimidate all his employees.

KRAMER

Ooooh . . . you need something to take the edge off.

KRAMER STARTS MIXING ANOTHER KA-LOO-HOO.

ELAINE

Okay. Hey, Jerry, I just met George's new girlfriend downstairs. She's attractive. For George.

KRAMER

Lisa? Oh yeah, she's one hot tomato, alright.

JERRY

Does it really matter? He'll screw himself one way or another.

KRAMER

Here's a Ka-loo-hoo, Elaine

ELAINE

A Ka-loo-what?

KRAMER

Ka-loo-hoo. Yoo-hoo and Kaluha.

ELAINE

Ah . . .no thank you.

JERRY

Hey, slow down on those things. I've got a woman coming over here later, and I don't want you passed out.

CUT TO:

SCENE C

EXT. STREET - DAY 1

GEORGE AND LISA ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

LISA

George, I need to do a little shopping.

GEORGE

Uh-huh . . .

LISA

So we have been together nearly a week now.

GEORGE

Oh boy . . . here it comes.

LISA

What did you say?

GEORGE

I didn't say anything. What were you about to say?

LISA

I think we should go over to Helena's Passion and get something for me, you know . . . for later.

GEORGE STOPS AND GETS A DAZED, HAPPY LOOK ON HIS FACE.

GEORGE

Isn't that over on 60th and 3rd?

LISA

Yes, but let's stop at the deli and get a couple of drinks to take with. I'm parched.

GEORGE GRABS HER HAND AND STARTS TO RUN.

GEORGE

There's no time baby! No time! They close at five!

LISA

George, it's only two-thirty!

CUT TO:

SCENE D

EXT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY 1

STOCK SHOT OF THE J. PETERMAN OFFICE BUILDING

INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY 1

ELAINE AND MR. PETERMAN ARE SITTING IN HIS OFFICE BRAINSTORMING NEW PRODUCTS FOR THE CATALOG. PETERMAN HAS ON AN EYEPATCH, A JOLLY ROGER HAT, AND IS WAVING AROUND PIRATE SWORD.

PETERMAN

Elaine, Elaine . . . how did a gentle soft breeze like yourself get mixed with my band of nefarious clothing buyers?

ELAINE

I ask myself that everyday . . .

PETERMAN

Did you say something my helpless young waif?

ELAINE

No . . .

PETERMAN

Do you know what those rascals over at Banana Republic have done? Hmm?

ELAINE

No, not really. Look Mr. Peterman could you just come down and give your approval on the new walking sandals. The ones made by the impovrished child workers of Ecuador.

PETERMAN

Those scoundrels over at Banana Republic have gone and introduced a line of furniture. Pure marketing genius!

ELAINE

Uh-huh . . .

PETERMAN

Set forth and find me furniture Elaine! For the new line of Peterman's Home Furnishings! Do not return to this office until you find something we can use!

ELAINE

Okay . . .

ELAINE IS SLINKING OUT OF PETERMANS OFFICE AS HE LEANS BACK AND DREAMS OF FURNITURE.

CUT TO:

SCENE E

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY 1

JERRY IS IN HIS BATHROOM SHAVING. KRAMER IS STILL POUNDING THE KA-LOO-HOOS IN THE LIVING ROOM ON THE SOFA.

JERRY

Hey Kramer! How many of those Ka-loo-hoos have you had today?

KRAMER

Well, how many Yoo-hoos did you have in your fridge?

JERRY LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE MIRROR.

JERRY

Oh no! Price-co the Discount Warehouse! Sale on Yoo-hoo!

JERRY COMES OUT INTO THE LIVING ROOM. KRAMER IS LYING ON THE COUCH PASSED OUT.

JERRY

Get up!

Kramer

Unnngggg . . .

JERRY STANDS DIRECTLY OVER KRAMER.

JERRY

Go home!

KRAMER

Unnngggggg . . .

KRAMER THRASHES ABOUT TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE. JERRY GRABS KRAMER'S ARMS AND TRIES TO PULL HIM OFF THE COUCH. HE DOESN'T BUDGE.

CUT TO:

SCENE F

INT. HELENA'S PASSION - DAY 1

GEORGE AND LISA ARRIVE AT HELENA'S PASSION. HELENAIS BEHIND THE COUNTER PRICING UNDERWEAR.

LISA

Here it is, George. Why don't you sit in that chair while I find something.

GEORGE'S VOICE OVER SHOULD BE OVER QUICK SHOTS OF THE UNDERWEAR, HELENA, THE CHAIR, LISA AND OF COURSE GEORGE HIMSELF.

GEORGE (V.O)

My God! I can't move. I can't think! Too much to take in. It's more wonderful than I ever dreamed. Can't walk! There's the chair. Concentrate on getting to the chair. Must use all my super powers on getting to the chair. Oh boy, what is that? Where does that go? What holds it up? Is that rubber? Get to the chair George! Oh no, there's Helena. She's smiled at me. Smile back you fool, no need to alarm her. Boy Jerry's in for a real treat tonight. She's probably wearing something under her clothes that would be illegal below the Mason-Dixon line! That Jerry's one lucky . . .

LISA

George? Are you okay? You look flushed.

GEORGE

I'm fine, don't mind me!

GEORGE (V.O.)

Get to the chair. Oh no! It moved. I knew it would. I'm finished. It's moving more and getting bigger. When I need to use him he's not there for me, when I want him to leave me alone he won't. Must get to the chair! Why did I have to wear such loose slacks?

LISA

George, do you like this?

GEORGE MAKES A DIVE FOR THE CHAIR, GETS IN IT, AND QUICKLY CROSSES HIS LEGS.

GEORGE

That's fine.

GEORGE (V.O.)

Stop talking to me. Let me concentrate or this is going to end up like that incident in the Macy's bra department when I was twelve.

HELENA STEPS AROUND THE COUNTER AND PUTS HER HAND ON THE BACK OF GEORGE'S NECK.

HELENA

That's a very nice piece. It's very clingy and form fitting. Perfect for those lazy Sundays with your boyfriend, or those slinky summer nights on the town.

GEORGE (V.O.)

Concentrate George, your mother's not here. Think about this chair. It's very comfortable for a "guy chair." Antique probably. Wood grain is smooth, leather cushion is comfy as well.

LISA

Do you have a matching 36 C "Boost It Up" bra for this?

HELENA

Right behind you. It comes in with or without the nipple "peek-a-boo" option.

GEORGE (V.O.)

Stop the insanity!

LISA TAKES HER PURCHASES TO THE COUNTER AND HELENA BEGINS RINGING THEM UP.

HELENA

Your boyfriend has been so well behaved. He has been a good little boy and sat there quietly the entire time you shopped.

GEORGE (V.O.)

I've got to get out of here now!

GEORGE

How much do you want for this chair?!

HELENA

Well I was going to throw it away Monday. I'll let you have it for seventy-five.

GEORGE

Here's a hundred. Keep the change.

GEORGE TURNS AROUND, PICKS UP THE CHAIR, HOLDS IT IN FRONT OF HIMSELF, AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR.

CUT TO:

SCENE G

EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 1

STOCK SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT

INT-JERRY'S APARTMENT-NIGHT 1

HELENA ARRIVES IN JERRY'S DOORWAY FOR THEIR DATE. KRAMER IS PASSED OUT ON THE COUCH WITH THE BOTTLE OF KALUHA AND YOO-HOO BOTTLES SCATTERED AROUND HIM.

HELENA

Jerry!

JERRY

Helena! What do you want for dinner?

THEY EMBRACE.

HELENA

Let's just order in. It's been a strange day. A short, portly, bald man bought a beat up chair from me for a hundred dollars.

JERRY

That's not so strange. Want Chinese?

HELENA

Let's start with dessert.

THE PAIR KISS PASSIONATELY AND START TO MAKE THEIR WAY INTO THE BEDROOM. HELENA SEES KRAMER.

HELENA

I didn't know you had a roommate.

JERRY

And neither did I.

THEY ENTER THE BEDROOM.

JERRY

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

KRAMER BOLTS UP AWAKE AND YOO-HOO BOTTLES GO FLYING.

FADE OUT.

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE H

EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 1

STOCK SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT-NIGHT 1

JERRY AND KRAMER ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. JERRY LOOKS DAZED.

KRAMER

Jerry, man, snap out of it! What the hell was going on in there?

JERRY

She had nothing on under her pants.

KRAMER

Nothing on?

JERRY

She owns a lingerie store and doesn't wear underwear. There was no real barrier. Just her pants and then pure air . . .

KRAMER

Some women find it more erotic not to wear panties than to wear some exotic leopard print thong. Take myself for example . . .

JERRY

Ah! Ah! Stop right there mister! I'd rather not hear any of your perverse fetishes right now! The matter at hand is that she was one zip away to being exposed to all the world.

KRAMER

Her boys were out there.

JERRY

Kramer, girls have girls. We have the boys.

KRAMER

Well, in some rare cases girls have boys and some boys have girls. You know Newman's second cousin Walter.

JERRY

Don't tell me anymore Kramer!

KRAMER AND JERRY SIT IN SILENCE MOMENTARILY.

KRAMER

That's not what was going on in there was it?

JERRY

No!

ELAINE WALKS IN THE DOOR THAT'S AJAR.

ELAINE

Hi ya, boys!

JERRY AND KRAMER GIVE EACH OTHER A LOOK.

ELAINE

What's going on Jerry?

KRAMER

He just found out Helena doesn't wear panties.

ELAINE

Oh boy . . .

GEORGE ENTERS THE APARTMENT CARRYING THE CHAIR FROM HELENA'S. HE SITS DOWN IN IT.