Note: All stand-up is my original Jerry Seinfeld-styled stand-up.

"The Teacher "

Written by Nick Varvaro

Opening Stand-Up Monologue

__________________________________________________________

Jerry

What is with these people saying, "He's 59 years young"?

Or "He's 85 years young"? When they get to be that age,

should we still be refering to them as young? You know?

How come I was never informed of this new age system?

And the older they get the more frequently this is used. Does

this mean that if someone is 100, they're like an infant?

Act One

Scene A

Jerry is on a subway, standing. An attractive woman is standing next to him.

Jerry) Boy, what is with these signs on subways, huh? Laser surgery? Who's

standing on a subway thinking, "Man, I gotta try that"!

(Jerry smiles, the woman does nothing)

Jerry) Read it.

Woman) Which one?

Jerry) That one - the, uh, the laser one.

Woman) I'm sorry, I can't read it. I'm illiterate.

(Jerry stares oddly at her)

Act One

Scene B

In Jerry's apartment.

George) Illiterate? Really?

Jerry) Yeah, she was like 30 or something.

George) How could she be illiterate?

Jerry) I don't know, George, she just is.

George) Ya going out with her?

Jerry) Yeah, I got a date with her Friday night.

George) Hey, if she's illiterate, and you're taking her out, how will she

read

the menu?

(Jerry looks off to the side, with a questioning look)

Jerry) So what are you doing tonight?

George) Oh, well, I, uh, rented "Boogie Nights". I'm gonna watch it with

Hannah.

Jerry) You're gonna watch "Boogie Nights" with your girlfriend?

George) Yeah...?

Jerry) You know that movie has strong female nudity in it.

George) It does?

(Jerry nods)

George) So you're saying if my girlfriend saw it, knowing I'd rented it,

she'd

think I'd rented it for the nudity.

Jerry) That'd be my guess.

George) But she has plans to watch it with me. She took the night off from

work 'cause she wanted to have a nice evening with me.

Jerry) Well, I guess you're screwed.

(Jerry kind of smiles)

(Elaine enters)

Elaine) Hey.

George) Hey.

Elaine) Guess what? I just met this teacher, Brett, on the way up here. He

said

he'd call me. He asked me to help his elementary class out with some art

project.

Jerry) You talk to a guy on an elevator, and all of the sudden you got a

date.

Elaine) Yep. We're going out Friday.

Jerry) Friday? I got a date with Patricia the same night.

Elaine) Patricia?

Jerry) Yeah, and get this - she's illiterate.

Elaine) Really? You know I've always wondered how they read menus on dates.

I mean, does the guy have to read it for them?

(She slightly laughs)

(Jerry and George look at each other)

George) Hey, Jerry, you got the paper around here?

Jerry) Uh, yeah, right here.

George) Never miss the comics.

(Jerry hands him the paper. He begins reading the paper)

Elaine) Since when have you been interested in the comics?

(George oddly hesitates and looks kind of nervous)

George) George is getting upset!

Jerry) Okay, okay, just calm down.

(Kramer enters)

Kramer) Hey, guys.

Elaine) Hey Kramer.

Jerry) What's up?

Kramer) Oh, I bought a broken cabinet from Newman.

Elaine) Did ya...KNOW it was broken?

Kramer) No. I mean, it LOOKED broken, but he said he'd send a repairman

over to fix it in two days.

Elaine) How long ago was this?

Kramer) Yep four days ago.

(Patricia enters)

Patricia) Hi, Jerry.

(They kiss quickly)

Jerry)Uh, guys, this is Patricia.

Elaine and George) Hey.

(Kramer points to her)

Kramer) The illiterate!

(She nods calmy, and looks kind of insulted)

Jerry) Kramer!

Kramer) What? She knows she's illiterate.

(Elaine begins to odlly shake her head)

Jerry) You didn't have to make a big thing of it.

Patricia) Don't worry, Jerry, it's okay.

(George laughs at the paper)

Patricia) What's so funny?

George) Oh, it's just this cartoon. You gotta read this!

(He hands her the paper, she doesn't take it, then Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer

stare)

George) Oh, right, sorry, uh, I really should get to the, uh, thing.

Patricia) What thing?

Jerry) Yes, George, what thing?

(Pause)

George) I have a meeting, with my, uh, writing staff.

Patricia) Oh, what do you write for?

(George stares uncomfortably)

George) It's a...gardening magazine.

Patricia) What's it called?

George) ........Daily Gardening.

Patricia) You pubslish a new magazine daily?

(George stares uncomfortably again, kind of off to the side)

Act One

Scene C

Elaine in elementary school. There's about 20 kids in desks, and Elaine is

in one of them.

Brett) (the teacher) Today, class, we will be studying the works of Picasso,

who drew

abstract painting. Oh, and here today with us is my friend, Elaine Benes.

(Elaine uncomfortably waves)

Brett) Now, here is one of Picasso's paintings.

(He holds up a picture of a Picasso painting, which is just a bunch of

colors together)

Elaine) (to the boy next to her, sarcastically) I bet THAT took alot of

talent.

Brett) Uh, what was that Elaine?

Elaine) I said, um, (pretending to say it for real), "I bet that took alot

of talent".

Brett) Oh, well yes it did. You see....

(He continues to talk randomly in the backround why the real diolougue goes

here)

Boy next to Elaine) Your hair is pretty.

Elaine) Oh, well, thank you.

(She looks flattered and smiles)

(Boy starts really pulling on her hair)

(What Elaine says while he's pulling her hair):

Elaine) Heh...no, okay, no, get off, get off!

Act One

Scene D

(Jerry and Patricia at a restaurant)

(They are both looking at a menu, the same one)

Jerry) That there is the chicken fingers. Then right there is the chicken

cultlet parmisaghn. Uh, steak, cutlets, and for desert there's some

cheescake?

(There's a question mark because he kind of says it in a way of suggesting

cheesecake)

Patricia) Okay, I'll have the chicken fingers and the cheescake.

Jerry) Okay.

Patricia) You know, Jerry, it's really sweet of you to take me out to dinner

like this.

It doesn't bother you that I can't read, does it?

Jerry) No, of...course not.

Patricia) You know, I change my mind. I don't think I want the chicken

fingers.

Read what else there is on the menu.

(Jerry looks uncomfortable)

Act Two

Scene A

(George and Hannah in George's apartment)

Hannah) So you rented Boogie Nights right?

George) Uh, yeah. Have you ever seen it before?

Hannah) No, but alot of guys I know really, really, liked it.

(George looks down at nothing)

George) Uh, you know I was thinking mabye we shouldn't watch it. I heard it

got terrible reviews.

Hannah) Don't be silly, George, put it in.

George) No, I don't think so.

Hannah) George, come on, put it in.

George) No!

(Hannah tries to take the tape from George, and George tries to take it

back, this

happens for the next couple lines)

Hannah) George, come....

George) No, it...

Hannah) George, why won't you...

George) Just give me the tape....

Hannah) George!

(George finally gets the tape)

Hannah) George, you're being rediculous.

George) I think I'll just return it.

Hannah) Return it to Blockbuster? George, we have it for three days. I was

thinking

if we really liked it, we could watch it again tomorrow morning.

(George looks off to the side)

Act Two

Scene B

In Jerry's apartment. Jerry, George, and Elaine are in there.

George) It's been two days now and we still haven't watched it. I'm really

dreading going over there tonight.

Jerry) I gotta get out of this relationship. I'm reading menus for her. Do

you

have any idea what that's like?

Elaine) I know how you guys feel. I'm getting sick of having to do all these

thing

for Brett. He told me to walk one of his middle school students into the

building

on the first day of school so he didn't get lost.

Jerry) So what'd you do?

Elaine) I dropped him off in the front of the building and I drove out of

there as

quickly as possible.

George) I thought he taught elementary.

Elaine) Well, he does half a day teaching at Elemantery and half at Junior

High.

George) (snorts) Never heard of that.

Jerry) I gotta figure out a way to get rid of Patricia.

(George suddenly looks like he has an idea)

George) I got it! You could watch the movie with her. The copy's right in my

apartment.

Elaine) What movie?

Jerry) Boogie Nights. George rented it with his girlfriend and then realized

the

extreme nudity.

George) But what would I tell Hannah?

Elaine) I know, tonight he wants me to stay in school from 7:30 to 9:00.

Jerry) 7:30 to 9:00?

Elaine) Yep, tonight's parents oriantation.

George) Yes! Yes, that's perfect! I just show up at the school tonight at

7:30?

Elaine) Yep, Ill tell him you're coming.

Act Two

Scene C

George in the school.

Brett) I'm sorry Elaine couldn't come. Thank you for coming George.

George) Oh, no problem, sir.

Brett) These kids are great aren't they?

George) Oh yeah. They're uh, they're great.

Brett) They do some weird things even in grade six.

George) Really? Like what?

Brett) Oh, you know. Kids. I saw two kids having a contest to see how long

they

could go without breathing.

George) Without breathing?

Brett) One went for 2 minutes.

(Brett chuckles)

(George laughs)

(Pause)

(George laughs again a little more)

Brett) What's so funny?

George) Oh, no, I'm just thinking about something.

Brett) What?

George) No, it's nothing.

Brett) What?

George) Well, I remember this one time, me and my friends started this

stupid contest...

Act Two

Scene D

Jerry in his apartment with Patricia.

Patricia) So what do you want to do?

Jerry) I rented a movie. Boogie Nights.

Patricia) Oh. You know, I know alot of men who really liked that movie.

Jerry) Really? Probably because of it's extreme female exposure that I was

aware of.

Patricia) Really? Oh, that's no problem.

Jerry) You know I also rented some of movies with lots and lots of nudity it

them.

Patricia) Mmm...you know, that's kind of a turn-on.

(Jerry stares at her, shocked)

Act Two

Scene E

Jerry's apartment.

George) So the movie didn't work out?

Jerry) No, it turned her on.

George) Oh...yes! Yes! You know what you should do? You should call one of

those phone-sex lines.

(Pause)

Jerry) Is this going somewhere?

George) No, you call a phone-sex line, make another call, then when your

girlfriend comes in,

ask her to hit re-dial.

Jerry) Why am I making her hit re-dial?

George) I don't know, uh, you called your parents, and you forgot to tell

them something.

Jerry) No, it just doesn't seem right. What if told her I'd just called to

make dinner reservations, and

I said party of one.

George) What, do you want her to think you're an idiot?

Jerry) Fine, fine.

(They both sit thinking)

George) I got it! You just called a comedy club, and you realized that you

already have a show

scheduled that night.

Jerry) But I'm a comedian, comedians know when they a show.

George) Well everyone forgets things every once in a while.

Jerry) Then what was wrong with the dinner idea?

George) Well people know when they have a date!

Jerry) But you just said everyone forgets!

George) Comedy shows! That's no big thing. Dates? Who calls for resevations,

and says

"party of 1"

when they know they have a date?

Jerry) What about some guy who is used to dinner alone, finally gets a date,

and

screws up on the call?

George) Well what about a guy who's so exited he gets a date, the second the

date is

made, he immediatly calls, "party of 2! party of 2!"

(Jerry pauses)

Jerry) How much thought do you put into these things?

George) Jerry, this brian of mine holds every fact about any information one

could

possibly seek.

Jerry) I think that brian of yours hold every fact about having sex one

could possibly seek.

(Jerry picks up his cellphone)

Jerry) Well, I'm just gonna do it now.

George) You're gonna do it on a cellphone?

Jerry) Well, what if we're out?

(He dials and puts it up to his ears)

Sexual Voice from Phone) Hey, welcome to 1-800-LEGS.

Jerry) Have a good day by!

(He turns it off quickly)

(He dials another number)

Kramer from Phone) Yeah, hello, you'll have to speak up I just got back

from the sauna and...

(Jerry hangs up the phone quickly)

(He puts the phone in his jacket that's laying on the table)

Jerry) Well, I gotta go, I guess I'll go over to her place.

(He begins walking out with his jacket)

George) So what are you gonna tell her?

Jerry) The comedian thing, alright?

George) But I thought that was too good for you?

(Jerry puts his coat down on the counter)

Jerry) I am not having this discussion again, George. I missed the show,

that is that.

(He leaves without his coat)

George) Guess I'll go to the coffee shop.

(He leaves and takes Jerry's coat with him, thinking it was his)

Act Three

Scene A

George and Elaine at Monks.

Elaine) How could you tell him about the contest?

George) I don't know, I didn't think he'd break up with you.

Elaine) And I was just starting to really like him!

George) Well I don't...

Elaine) How did you even get on the subject?

George) I don't know, the, uh...the, breathing!

Elaine) Just shut up George! I don't want to talk about it.

(The phone rings from George's coat)

(Elaine looks confused)

(George takes out the cllphone)

George) Hello?

Jerry) Hello? Who is this?

George) It's George.

Jerry) George? Where are you?

George) I'm at the coffee shop.

Jerry) Are you wearing my coat?

George) Uh, I don't know, I guess so.

Jerry) Have you made any calls on my cellphone?

George) Yeah, I meant to give the phone back.

Jerry) Who'd you call?

George) My parents.

Jerry) Listen, I need you to call the phone sex line, and then

dial another number.

George) Oh, right, the phone sex.

Jerry) Just don't screw it up.

(Jerry and George hang up)

George) Well, I gotta go. See ya later.

Elaine) Alright.

(George gets up)

George) I gotta go do something for Jerry. Plus, I wanna

go pick up the new "People" magazine?

Elaine) So, it that something they publish daily?

George) What?

Elaine) Yep. Patricia told me all about it. "Daily Gardening"?

George) Hey, I could have done alot worse then Daily

Gardening.

(George goes outside).

(Outside. George picks up his cellphone and dials the

phone sex line)

Sexual Voice) Hello, this is 1-800-LEGS. You've been a very

naughty boy.

(George looks...you know)

George) I have?

Sexual Voice) Yes, and now it's time for your punishment.

Act Three

Scene B

Jerry in his apartment, alone.

(He looks at his watch)

Jerry) Where the hell is George?

(Patricia enters)

Patricia) Hi Jerry.

Jerry) Hi.

Patricia) It's getting to be around dinner time? You wanna go

out and eat somewhere?

(Quickly):

Jerry) No! I mean, uh, no, no, I don't wanna go out.

(Pause)

Patricia) You know, Jerry, I think we need to talk.

Jerry) We do?'

Patricia) Yes. I just don't think this relationship is working.

(Jerry looks off, sort of smilling)

Act Three

Scene C

Jerry walking quickly on the street. He finds George, also walking

quickly.

Jerry) George! Where the hell have you been?

(Pause)

George) I gotta sort of...into the sex line thing.

Jerry) How long were you on it?

(George looks nervous)

George) 3 and a half hours.

Jerry) Three and a half hours?

George) Yeah, so how'd it go with Patricia?

Jerry) Oh, well she broke up with me.

George) Really?

Jerry) Yeah.

George) Man, that'd strange.

Jerry) Yeah. I met this woman though walking on the street. Her name

is Lois.

George) Lois?

Jerry) Yeah. Yeah. I'm actually going to meet her at my apartment later

tonight.

George) Oh, that's great yeah.

(Kramer comes up)

George) Kramer! Hey, what's going on?

Kramer) Eh, nothing. I refunded that cabinet I bought from Newman.

Jerry) You refunded it?

Kramer) Yeah. I didn't get him to pay me back, I just broke one of his

cabinets.

(Jerry and George shake their heads)

Kramer) So how's it going with that woman?

Jerry) Eh, she broke up with me.

Kramer) Really? She's free?

Jerry) What? You want to go out with her?

Kramer) Well, you know, mabye I could teach her how to read. You know

Einstein was illiterate.

Jerry) Einsten was not illiterate. I think you're thinking of Andrew

Jackson.

(Kramer points to him and makes that weird "you're right" kind of sound

he makes sometimes)

Act Three

Scene D

Jerry with his new girlfriend in his apartment.

Lois) So, Jerry, you wanna go out tonight. I know this great place downtown.

Jerry) Oh, sure.

Lois) Um , do you mind if I use your phone?

Jerry) Oh, no, go ahead.

(She picks it up and hears the disconnected sound on the other end)

Lois) What is this? You're phone's disconnected.

Jerry) Oh, yeah, my friend Kramer brought this group of dogs over here and

apparently made kind of a mess.

Lois) Oh.

Jerry) Well you can just use my cellphone. It's right there on the table.

(She picks it up)

Lois) Oh, I accidentaly hit re-dial.

(She's about to hang it up, or whatever you want to call it to change the

number

then here's the "1-800-LEGS" voice on the other end)

Lois) What was that?

Jerry) What?

Lois) I hit re-dial and it was a phone-sex line.

Jerry) A phone sex line? Ohhhh, ohh. No, no, no, no, no, it's complicated,

I...

Lois) You pervert! Goodbye Jerry! Don't call me!'

(She leaves angrily)

Jerry) But wait I can explain! George! Da...damn.

(He picks up the phone and dials for George)

George) Hello?

Jerry) George, how many people did you call after the phone sex?

George) One, my parents.

Jerry) What is with your fetish of calling your parents? This is worse then

the

time you bought those enormous pairs of shoes.

George) What are you talking about?

Jerry) Nevermind. Lois just broke up with me.

George) Wow, that's twice in one day. You're on a roll.

(Snorts)

Final Stand-Up

Jerry

___________

I will never understand people refering to themselves in the third

person. Have you heard this? Who is so pathetic they need a constant

self-reminder that they're alive. I don't understand it. Another thing

I hate about it, is that I think that would be a really akward situation

in breakups. Everyone's emotional, crying, all of the sudden the guy

says "Bob is getting upstet". I mean, wouldn't the woman begin

uncontrolably laughing?