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The Swimming Pool

 

THE SWIMMING POOL

 

 

 

 

A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz

 

 

 

2003

 

 

 

 

STAND UP ROUTINE

 

JERRY

Have you ever visited a public swimming pool? Not a big fan. To me they're like giant vats of dirty bathwater. Thousands of people use these pools every week. It's bacteria soup. And all you've got keeping it clean is some teenager with a scoop on a plastic pole. Yeah, that'll do the job. And the chlorine. That kills all known germs. Of course, it also turns your hair green and makes you infertile. But hey, it's a small price to pay for wallowing in someone else's crud.

 

 

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GEORGE.

 

GEORGE

How's it going with whatshername - Holly?

 

JERRY

We're on a trial separation.

 

GEORGE

You've been dating her how long - 2 or 3 days?

 

JERRY

She's got a funny name.

 

GEORGE

Holly?

 

JERRY

Her surname's Wood.

 

GEORGE

Holly Wood. It's not that funny.

 

JERRY

You don't understand. When she tells people her name they laugh. As a professional comedian it's very off putting.

 

GEORGE

She's getting the laughs, you're not.

 

DOOR BUZZER

 

JERRY

Who is it?

 

ELAINE

It's me.

 

JERRY

C'mon up. > I'm having a meal with her tonight. Mebbe it'll work out or not.

 

GEORGE

Plenty more fish in the sea, my friend.

 

ELAINE ENTERS

 

ELAINE

You are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.

 

JERRY

Do tell.

 

ELAINE

I planned this nice quiet romantic evening with Robin.

 

JERRY

The new boyfriend?

 

ELAINE

Yeah. Anyway, we're in the bathtub together ---

 

JERRY

Ah, bath sex.

 

GEORGE

A rubadubdub in the tub.

 

ELAINE

No. Nothing like that. It was romantic. Scented candles, exotic bathsalts, Vivaldi on the stereo. Very relaxing. Then it happened.

 

JERRY

Robin fell asleep?

 

GEORGE

Vivaldi. One long snooze-a-thon.

 

ELAINE

He peed in the tub.

 

JERRY

What?

 

GEORGE

In the tub?

 

ELAINE

In the tub.

 

JERRY

With you in it?

 

ELAINE

Yup. With me in it.

 

GEORGE

Omigod. This is huge, Elaine.

 

ELAINE

I know.

 

JERRY

What did you do?

 

ELAINE

I got out of course. Took a shower. I had to get clean.

 

GEORGE

You didn't call him on it?

 

ELAINE

What could I say? 'Robin, did you just take a whizz?'

 

JERRY

Tricky. Very tricky.

 

GEORGE

He wasn't suspicious? Straight out of the bath into the shower?

 

ELAINE

I told him I was having an allergic reaction to the bathsalts.

 

JERRY

He believed you?

 

ELAINE

He's a man. What do men know about bathsalts?

 

GEORGE

That's true.

 

JERRY

Are you absolutely certain? Mebbe the water got cold and he turned on the hot tap.

 

ELAINE

No. I had my back to the taps.

 

GEORGE

Whoa! Time out here. You had your back against the taps?

 

JERRY

A man always takes that position. It's common courtesy.

 

GEORGE

He's a barbarian.

 

ELAINE

Have either of you ever...

 

JERRY

Never.

 

GEORGE

Does alone count?

 

ELAINE

George!

 

GEORGE

What? We're 80 percent water.

 

JERRY

90 percent.

 

GEORGE

Even better.

 

ELAINE

Why can't you wait until you get out?

 

GEORGE

Because I'm comfortable. What can it hurt?

 

JERRY

Basically your philosophy is if the toilet bowl was big enough you'd be in there with soap and a loofah.

 

GEORGE

So you're breaking up with Robin?

 

ELAINE

I didn't say that.

 

JERRY

Elaine! After what he did?

 

ELAINE

He has other attributes.

 

JERRY

Bedroom attributes?

 

ELAINE

Ye-ah.

 

JERRY

But this is how Hitler started, Elaine. As a young man he peed in the bathtub. Next thing you know he's invading Poland.

 

ELAINE

But the sex is so go-oo-od!

 

DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.

 

KRAMER

Hey, paronas.

 

ALL

Kramer.

 

KRAMER

George, I got you the pen you wanted.

 

KRAMER HANDS GEORGE A MONT BLANC FOUNTAIN PEN

 

GEORGE

Hey, this is great. Thanks, Kramer.

 

ELAINE

Let me see that.

(INSPECTS PEN)

This is a Mont Blanc. Mr Peterman has one of these. They cost like hundreds of dollars.

 

KRAMER

Oh yeah. It's a Mont Blanc. Swiss. My friend Bob Saccamano has a supply.

 

GEORGE

It's not some knock off is it, Kramer? I don't want no knock off.

 

KRAMER

It's the real deal, buddy. Trust me.

 

 

INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. JERRY AND HOLLY, AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE.

 

MAITRE D

Yes sir. May I help you?

 

JERRY

We have a reservation for 2. Seinfeld.

 

MAITRE D

Ah yes. Jerry Seinfeld and Holly Wood. Hmm. Holly Wood.

 

MAITRE D SMIRKS. JERRY SCOWLS.

 

CUTAWAY TO -

 

 

INT. RESTAURANT. JERRY AND HOLLY SEATED AT TABLE.

 

JERRY

You know, John Fitzgerald Kennedy and Franklin Delano Roosevelt had some great middle names.

 

HOLLY

I suppose they did.

 

JERRY

What's your middle name?

 

HOLLY

Orecine. It was my grandmother's name.

 

JERRY

That's what you should call yourself. Holly Orecine Wood.

 

HOLLY

Why would I do that?

 

JERRY

It's very fashionable. Catherine Zeta Jones. Jennifer Love Hewitt. They're all at it.

 

HOLLY

I don't think so, Jerry.

 

JERRY

No?

 

HOLLY

No.

 

JERRY

Damn!

 

 

INT.DAY. PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL.

 

THE GANG, NEWMAN AND 2 LIFEGUARDS KELLY AND DARREN, BOTH GORGEOUS MODEL TYPES.

 

JERRY EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. HE'S WEARING WHITE TRUNKS WITH RED STRIPING.

 

GEORGE FOLLOWS. HE IS WEARING THE SAME TYPE TRUNKS.

 

JERRY

Is this meant to be a joke?

 

GEORGE

What?

 

JERRY

We're wearing the same trunks.

 

GEORGE

So?

 

JERRY

Don't you think it's a little...gay?

 

GEORGE

No one thinks we're gay.

 

NEWMAN PASSES, WEARING SHORTS AND A BERMUDA SHIRT.

 

NEWMAN

Nice trunks, gayboys!

 

JERRY

Newman! Who invited him?

 

GEORGE

I think he came with Kramer.

 

GEORGE WALKS AWAY

 

ROBIN, ELAINE'S BOYFRIEND, CLIMBS OUT OF THE POOL

 

ROBIN

Hi Jerry. 20 laps. New record.

 

JERRY

Oh hi, Robin.Great work.

 

ROBIN HEADS FOR THE LOCKER ROOM

 

ELAINE EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. SHE DOESN'T SPOT ROBIN. SHE'S WEARING A BLACK SWIMSUIT WITH HER HAIR PINNED ATOP HER HEAD.

 

JERRY

Elaine, Robin just got out of the pool.

 

ELAINE

My Robin? He didn't mention he was coming here.

 

JERRY

You don't think he...in the pool?

 

ELAINE

(SHOCKED)

No! He wouldn't, would he?

 

JERRY

This is not a swimming pool it's an open sewer.

 

ELAINE

Ugh! I know, lets crash the kiddies pool.

 

JERRY AND ELAINE PAD BAREFOOT TO THE KIDS POOL AND LOWER THEMSELVES IN.

 

ELAINE

This is nice.

 

JERRY

Compact and bijou.

 

A SMALL CHILD PADDLES OVER.

 

CHILD

Hey lady, this is for children.

 

ELAINE

It's ok. My friend here has a mental age of 10.

 

JERRY

Very funny.

 

ELAINE SMILES SHOWING ALL HER TEETH

 

KRAMER EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM, SPOTS JERRY AND ELAINE AND WALKS OVER.

 

HE'S WEARING EXTREMLY SMALL LYCRA SPEEDOS.

 

JERRY

What the hell are you wearing?

 

KRAMER

Speedos.

 

JERRY

Aren't they a little tight? Kramer, I can see your boys.

 

ELAINE

Ugh!

 

KRAMER

Lycra, Jerry. Lycra.

 

ELAINE

Yeah, well we no lycra.

 

JERRY

You're developing quite the ready wit.

 

ELAINE SMILES AGAIN SHOWING ALL HER TEETH.

 

GEORGE COMES OVER

 

GEORGE

What's going on?

 

JERRY

I saw Robin in the pool. He might have, you know...

 

KRAMER

No way, Jerry. They have special chemicals that react if you do that stuff. The dye stains your costume blue.

 

ELAINE

Yeah. I think I read that someplace.

 

JERRY

So there's no way Robin could have...?

 

KRAMER

Those lifeguards would have slung him out. They hate people doing that.

 

THE GANG MOVE OVER TO THE MAIN POOL WHERE THEY SIT ON EDGE, FEET DANGLING.

 

KRAMER

I'm gonna do some laps.

(DIVES IN)

 

GEORGE

Man, look at that lifeguard.

 

JERRY

Wow. She's something.

 

ELAINE

I've seen better.

 

GEORGE

Elaine, she's a goddess. Like she stepped off a beach in LA.

 

ELAINE

It's a sunbed tan. Way out of your league though.

 

GEORGE

Way out of my league, huh?

 

ELAINE

Way way out.

 

GEORGE

Care to put money on that?

 

ELAINE

What, that you could get a date with Miss California?

 

GEORGE

Date, kiss, whatever.

 

ELAINE

Kiss? Oh come on, George. Please.

 

GEORGE

100 bucks says I get a smooch.

 

ELAINE

Fine. 100 bucks. If you want to throw your money away. Fine by me.

 

JERRY

Today or ever?

 

ELAINE

Today. I'm not waiting years for George to strike out.

 

JERRY

Looks like you got competition, Georgie boy.

 

DARREN, THE MALE LIFEGUARD, CUDDLES KELLY, THE FEMALE LIFEGUARD.

 

GEORGE

Mebbe not. Mebbe they're just friends. Colleagues.

 

DARREN AND KELLY FRENCH KISS

 

JERRY

Oh I think they're more than colleagues.

 

ELAINE

Oh boy. Easy money. I'm gonna do some laps.

 

ELAINE STARTS SWIMMING.

 

JERRY

Why, George, why?

 

GEORGE

Because she's there, Jerry. Plus I think these chlorine fumes affected my mind.

 

JERRY

You realise you don't stand a chance.

 

GEORGE

Jerry, my friend, you are underestimating the Costanza mind. Suppose I pretend I'm drowning? She's a lifeguard. She rescues me and gives me mouth to mouth. Bet won.

 

JERRY

Technically mouth to mouth isn't a smooch.

 

GEORGE

Then why is it called the kiss of life? Besides I'm 100 bucks in the slammer. It counts, baby! It counts!

 

GEORGE SWIMS OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE POOL AND FLAILS HIS ARMS ABOUT.

 

GEORGE

Help! Help! Some help here. I'm drowning!

 

KELLY DIVES IN AND DRAGS GEORGE TO SAFETY. WITH GEORGE ON THE EDGE OF THE POOL DARREN, THE MALE LIFEGUARD, STARTS MOUTH TO MOUTH.

 

GEORGE

Mmmmf! Mmmmf! I'm ok! I'm ok!

 

NEWMAN WALKS PAST.

 

NEWMAN

Nice smooching, gayboy.

 

GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO JERRY.

 

JERRY

Not exactly how you planned it, Machiavelli.

 

GEORGE

I need my glasses. I can't think straight without my glasses on. I left them in the locker room.

 

JERRY

Glasses. That'll change everything. She'll fall at your feet once you're wearing glasses.

 

GEORGE HEADS FOR THE LOCKER ROOM.

 

CUT TO--

 

 

INT. CORRIDOR OFF THE POOL AREA. NEWMAN IS EXAMINING A CANDY VENDING MACHINE.

 

KRAMER WALKS PAST.

 

NEWMAN

Psst! Kramer. Come here.

 

KRAMER

Newman. Wondered where you'd got to.

 

NEWMAN

Notice the Hershey bars. They're stacked so tight they're ready to drop.If I put a dollar in and someone was to nudge the machine...

 

KRAMER

You're right. Oh you're a sly one. They'd all drop together.

 

NEWMAN

Precisely. On my mark. One two...three.

 

NEWMAN PUTS MONEY IN. KRAMER NUDGES THE MACHINE. SIX CANDY BARS DROP.

 

NEWMAN

Success! Wait. I think I hear someone coming. Run! Hide!

 

KRAMER IN A PANIC RUNS AWAY. NEWMAN SCOOPS UP THE CANDY AND HEADS CALMLY IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

 

NEWMAN

Sucker! Hahahha.

 

CUT TO

 

 

KRAMER BLUNDERS INTO THE WOMENS LOCKER ROOM. A DOZEN HALF NAKED WOMEN SCREAM.

 

KRAMER SPINS AND IN A MAD PANIC EXITS THE BUILDING.

 

CUT TO

 

 

EXT. DAY. NYC STREET.

 

KRAMER RUNS ACROSS THE STREET, STILL IN HIS SPEEDOS, OBLIVIOUS OF THE CARS HORNS AND STARTLED LOOKS OF PEDESTRIANS.

 

 

INT. POOL LOCKER ROOM.

 

GEORGE, SEATED ON A BENCH, RETRIEVES HIS GLASSES FROM HIS JACKET POCKET. AS HE DOES SO THE MONT BLANC PEN KRAMER GAVE HIM FALLS INTO HIS LAP AND BEGINS TO LEAK.

 

CUT TO

 

 

INT. POOL.

 

GEORGE EXITS THE LOCKER ROOM. THE MONT BLANC HAS LEAKED BLUE INK DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TRUNKS, STAINING THEM BLUE.

 

JERRY

George! Look at your trunks.

 

GEORGE

Omigod! Kramer's pen. It must have leaked.

 

DARREN

Hey you! Short guy with glasses. Urinating in the pool is against the law.

 

GEORGE

No. You don't understand. I didn't...It's not...

 

THE LIFEGUARD GRABS GEORGE AND FROGMARCHES HIM OUT.

 

DARREN

Yeah right, pal. Tell it to the judge.

 

KELLY

Your sort disgust me.

 

GEORGE

No-oo! It was the Mont Blanc! It was the Mont Blanc! Kramer! Kramer!

 

THEY EXIT.

 

KELLY

Is that creep a friend of yours?

 

JERRY

Never set eyes on him in my life.

 

 

INT. CORRIDOR WITH THE CANDY VENDING MACHINE.

 

JERRY, NOW DRESSED AND READY TO LEAVE, NOTICES BEVERLY, A PRETTY REDHEAD, HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE MACHINE.

 

BEVERLY

Come on, you stupid machine. Where's my Hershey bar?

 

JERRY

Problem?

 

BEVERLY

Yeah.I put my money in. Now it won't give me my candy bar.

 

JERRY

It appears to be out of Hershey bars.

 

BEVERLY

Oh great. And I'm out of cash.

 

JERRY

Allow me. Twix ok? My treat.

 

BEVERLY

Thank you. That's so kind.

 

JERRY

I'm Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld.

 

BEVERLY

Beverly. Beverly Hills.

 

JERRY

Right...Your name is Beverly Hills.

 

 

STAND UP ROUTINE

 

 

JERRY

People urinating in public swimming pools. That's a big problem. They have chemical dyes that react when someone does that. But what I want to know is this - how many times does it have to happen before the plug is pulled, the pool emptied and refilled with fresh water? A dozen? A hundred? A thousand? Because basically what you have here is a giant toilet bowl with diving boards. 'C'mon everybody. Last one in the water's a sissy!'

 

 

 

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