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THE SNAPPLE BOTTLE
By: R. P. Phillips
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
JERRY HEARS A COMMOTION OUTSIDE IN THE HALLWAY. HE
OPENS THE DOOR TO SEE KRAMER TALKING TO SOME MOVERS AS THEY EXIT KRAMER'S
APARTMENT.
KRAMER
Hey thanks guys, just put the tip on the credit card.
Whatever you guys want.
THE MOVERS LEAVE. KRAMER ENTERS JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY
What's going on, what's with the movers?
KRAMER
I bought a soda fountain, like the ones you see in restaurants.
Coke, Sprite, I got them all.
JERRY
A soda fountain, why would you need a soda fountain
for?
KRAMER
For refills Jerry!
JERRY
Refills? All you have to do is go the refrigerator and get
yourself another drink. How hard is that?
KRAMER
No! I'm not going to live like that. You can. You can
walk back and forth from the sofa to the fridge if you want to. But not me, all
I have to do now is push a button.
JERRY
Where did you get that anyway?
KRAMER
Over at Richard's fish and deli, he was practically
giving them away. Plus, he gave me ten boxes filled with plastic cups. I'll be
one soda pushing fool.
JERRY
Well at least part of that is right.
KRAMER
Yeah, I bought three of them two.
JERRY
Three, why would you need three of them?
KRAMER
Jerry, don't you see! I'll have one set up in all the
major spots. I'll have one next to the sofa, one in the bedroom, and the other
will be in the bathroom.
JERRY
The bathroom?
KRAMER
Well sometimes I get thirsty while I'm in the tub.
JERRY
I'll catch you later.
KRAMER
Are you going out?
JERRY
Yeah, why?
KRAMER HANDS JERRY A CREDIT CARD.
KRAMER
Here.
JERRY
Is this my credit card?
KRAMER
Yeah, well I needed to borrow it buddy.
JERRY
For what? You used it to buy the soda fountains didn't you?
KRAMER
I had to buy them today, he was about to get rid of
them. So I had to buy them today.
JERRY
How could you use my card? It has my picture on it.
Didn't they know it wasn't your card?
KRAMER
Well I'd told them we were brothers.
JERRY
Brothers? We don't even share the same last name.
KRAMER
I didn't tell him we were related.
KRAMER STORMS OUT AND BACK INTO HIS
APARTMENT. GEORGE ENTERS.
GEORGE
What was that all about?
JERRY
Nothing. Tell me something, would you rather push or pull?
GEORGE
Push of course, everyone loves to push. No one likes
to pull. Who likes to pull? You have to use force to pull something, but to
push it's like nothing is even there.
JERRY
What about soda, do you like to pull on the tab or
push on the fountain soda?
GEORGE
Pull, because when you push on those fountains, you
don't get that whoosh sound. If you're lucky at all you might get a fuzz sound,
but that's the biggest. What about you?
JERRY
Oh, I can go either way.
GEORGE
Do you know what I really like, the twist and pop.
JERRY
Of course! The twist and pop, like on those Snapple
bottles.
GEORGE
You know there's not a day that goes by where I don't
twist and pop.
JERRY
It’s like a religion to you.
GEORGE
Hey, did I tell you that I'm taking out that
marketing woman again. You remember Cheryl, the girl who works in my building.
JERRY
Oh, yes. How that going?
GEORGE
Good, it's still new and all. But she really seems to
like me.
JERRY
Because she doesn't know you that
well.
INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
GEORGE AND CHERYL ARE LOOKING OVER THEIR MENUS. THE
WAITER COMES OVER.
WAITER
Can I get you a beverage?
CHERYL
I'll have a glass of red wine.
SHE GIVES GEORGE A DEVILISH SMILE.
GEORGE
I'll have a Snapple.
GEORGE SMILES BACK AT HER, AS HER
SMILE DISAPPEARS.
GEORGE (con't)
Will you excuse me, I have
to use the men's room.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA, TALKING
ABOUT ELAINE'S BAD DATE.
ELAINE
So Rick reaches over and spills wine all over my new
white dress.
JERRY
Then what did he do?
ELAINE
Nothing, all he did was wipe off the table, he didn't
even bother to say sorry.
JERRY
And you left because of that?
ELAINE
Jerry, he didn't apologize. All he did was talk about
his job.
JERRY
Really what does he do?
ELAINE
He works for a food vendor.
JERRY
What, like hostess twinkies?
ELAINE
I guess so.
JERRY
See if he knows how they get the cream filling in one
of those things. I always wondered about that.
ELAINE
Jerry, you're not helping me here!
JERRY
Sorry, sorry. Well did you at least give him the
look?
ELAINE
The look? What look?
JERRY
The look. The look you give when someone annoys you.
ELAINE
You mean like this.
SHE GIVES AN EVIL LOOK.
JERRY
Yes, that's the look. Did you give him that?
ELAINE
You know, I don't remember. But what I do know is
that he's going to pay for the dry cleaning.
JERRY
I guess so, I mean red wine
is hard to get out.
ELAINE
It was white.
JERRY
It was white, he spilled
white wine on you?
ELAINE
The fact is that he was wrong, and should pay for the
damages.
JERRY
Yeah, but white wine.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
GEORGE COMES BACK FROM THE BATHROOM.
GEORGE
Are you ready to order?
CHERYL
Oh, I already ordered for both of us.
GEORGE
What? You ordered for both of us, you don't even know
what I wanted to order.
CHERYL
I know, but I have a real strong feeling about you
and what you might like.
GEORGE REACHES FOR THE SNAPPLE BOTTLE AND TWISTED IT,
ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT IT HAD ALREADY BEEN OPEN.
CHERYL
I opened your Snapple for you. Every time I see a
Snapple bottle, I have this incredible urge to open one. I just love it when it
makes that sound.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
GEORGE IS TELLING JERRY ABOUT HIS DATE WITH CHERYL
LAST NIGHT.
GEORGE
So I come back from the bathroom only to find out
that she had already ordered for me.
JERRY
She ordered your meal for you,
well what kind of deal is that?
GEORGE
I know, I know. But it gets worse, much worse! Not
only did she order for me, but she opened my Snapple bottle before I did. She
claimed she liked the sound of it. It's not a sound, it's a pop. Everyone knows
it's a pop.
SFX: DOOR BUZZER
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
It’s me.
JERRY
Come on up.
JERRY CRACKS OPEN HIS ENTRANCE DOOR, THEN CONTINUES TALKING TO GEORGE.
JERRY(con't)
What did she order you?
GEORGE
A salad.
JERRY
And?
GEORGE
That's it, one salad.
JERRY
That's it, she orders you
one salad for your whole meal?
GEORGE
She claimed she had a strong feeling about what I
wanted. Look at me Jerry. Do you feel salad here?
JERRY
Can't say that I do.
ELAINE WALKS IN.
ELAINE
You ready?
JERRY
Yeah, George you coming?
GEORGE
No, you two go, I'm going to stay here.
ELAINE
What with him?
JERRY
Oh, he's having popable
problems.
INT. MONKS COFFEE SHOP - DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH.
JERRY
Anything new with the dress
splashier?
ELAINE
No, he still hasn't said anything.
JERRY
So I guess that's over.
ELAINE
He wishes, I'm definitely
going to get him back for this.
JERRY
Do you think it's at all possible that he did not
know that he spilled wine on you? After all it was white wine, he probably
didn't even notice.
ELAINE
When you spill something you look around. At least he
could have asked if anything got spilled on me.
JERRY
So he spills, doesn't ask if you got spilled on, and
now you want to get him back because the stain of white wine on your dress went
unnoticed?
ELAINE
Yes!
KRAMER ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP AND SITS NEXT TO ELAINE.
HE'S HOLDING A PLASTIC CUP.
KRAMER
(TO JERRY)
Hey, I fixed your mailbox.
JERRY
What? There's nothing wrong with my mailbox.
KRAMER
Sure there was, remember that day when I couldn't get
it open?
JERRY
Because you didn't have a key.
KRAMER
Oh!
KRAMER STARTS TO DRINK OUT OF A STRAW. A DARK LIQUID
SLOWLY RISES UP.
JERRY
What is that?
KRAMER
Soda.
ELAINE
Soda, What happened to the
rest of it?
KRAMER
I ran out of seltzer.
JERRY
So all you're doing is drinking the syrup, isn't that
a little sweet?
KRAMER TAKES A SIP AND JOLTS BACK.
KRAMER
A little.
ELAINE
So Jerry, what am I supposed to do with Rick?
JERRY
I don't know, when are you supposed to see him again?
ELAINE
He invited me to his place tonight, so I have to
think of something before I go.
KRAMER
What about one of those sparkling grape cider
bottles?
ELAINE
You mean the ones that come in those champagne
bottles?
KRAMER
Yeah, when you get outside his door, you shake it up
real good. So when he opens it. Hallelujah, it's going to blow!
JERRY
You're going to listen to soda boy here? I don't
think that's a good idea.
ELAINE
No Jerry, It's perfect. Not only will the juice get
on him, but all over his apartment.
INT. RICK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
ELAINE IS OUTSIDE RICK'S APARTMENT DOOR, SHAKING UP
THE CIDER BOTTLE. THEN KNOCKS ON HIS DOOR, RICK OPENS DOOR.
RICK
Hello Elaine, thanks for coming over.
ELAINE
Sure, no problem.
RICK
Would you mind taking off your shoes, I just had the
carpet washed.
ELAINE
Carpet washed? No I don't mind, I always say there's
nothing better than a man who knows how to keep his carpet clean. Oh here, I
brought us this.
SHE HANDS RICK THE BOTTLE.
RICK
Okay, great I'll get some glasses.
RICK EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN, AS ELAINE GOES AND SITS
ON HIS SOFA. HE COMES OUT WITH TWO WINE GLASSES IN HIS HAND, AND IS ABOUT TO
OPEN THE BOTTLE. ELAINE JOLTS BACK WAITING FOR IT TO EXPLODE. RICK OPENS THE
BOTTLE AND NOTHING HAPPENS.
RICK (con't)
Elaine, are you okay?
ELAINE
Yes, I'm uh, fine.
RICK HANDS HER THE GLASS AND SHE TAKES A SIP.
ELAINE (con't)
Hey, this isn't what I brought!
RICK
I know, but I felt the grape cider was a little to childish for us.
ELAINE GIVES HIM THE LOOK.
INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE - DAY
GEORGE IS AT HIS DESK AND IS ABOUT TO OPEN HIS
SNAPPLE BOTTLE, BUT STOPS WHEN HE HEARS CHERYL CALLING FOR HIM. GEORGE HIDES
HIS SNAPPLE BOTTLE INSIDE THE WASTEBASKET. CHERYL ENTERS.
CHERYL
George could you help me with a
fax?
GEORGE
Sure, why not?
GEORGE RETURNS FROM HELPING CHERYL, GOES OVER TO THE
WASTEBASKET AND HIS SNAPPLE IS GONE.
SXF: POP!
CHERYL ENTERS HIS OFFICE WITH AN OPENED SNAPPLE
BOTTLE IN HER HAND.
GEORGE
Where did you get that?
CHERYL
That nice custodian who works here, he gave it to me.
Would you like a sip?
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - EVENING
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA.
JERRY
So did you give him the look this time?
ELAINE
Yes, and he still said nothing. But I will find a way
to get him back.
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