THE SNAPPLE BOTTLE

By: R. P. Phillips

FADE IN:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY HEARS A COMMOTION OUTSIDE IN THE HALLWAY. HE OPENS THE DOOR TO SEE KRAMER TALKING TO SOME MOVERS AS THEY EXIT KRAMER'S APARTMENT.

KRAMER

Hey thanks guys, just put the tip on the credit card. Whatever you guys want.

THE MOVERS LEAVE. KRAMER ENTERS JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY

What's going on, what's with the movers?

KRAMER

I bought a soda fountain, like the ones you see in restaurants. Coke, Sprite, I got them all.

JERRY

A soda fountain, why would you need a soda fountain for?

KRAMER

For refills Jerry!

JERRY

Refills? All you have to do is go the refrigerator and get yourself another drink. How hard is that?

KRAMER

No! I'm not going to live like that. You can. You can walk back and forth from the sofa to the fridge if you want to. But not me, all I have to do now is push a button.

JERRY

Where did you get that anyway?

KRAMER

Over at Richard's fish and deli, he was practically giving them away. Plus, he gave me ten boxes filled with plastic cups. I'll be one soda pushing fool.

JERRY

Well at least part of that is right.

KRAMER

Yeah, I bought three of them two.

JERRY

Three, why would you need three of them?

KRAMER

Jerry, don't you see! I'll have one set up in all the major spots. I'll have one next to the sofa, one in the bedroom, and the other will be in the bathroom.

JERRY

The bathroom?

KRAMER

Well sometimes I get thirsty while I'm in the tub.

JERRY

I'll catch you later.

KRAMER

Are you going out?

JERRY

Yeah, why?

KRAMER HANDS JERRY A CREDIT CARD.

KRAMER

Here.

JERRY

Is this my credit card?

KRAMER

Yeah, well I needed to borrow it buddy.

JERRY

For what? You used it to buy the soda fountains didn't you?

KRAMER

I had to buy them today, he was about to get rid of them. So I had to buy them today.

JERRY

How could you use my card? It has my picture on it. Didn't they know it wasn't your card?

KRAMER

Well I'd told them we were brothers.

JERRY

Brothers? We don't even share the same last name.

KRAMER

I didn't tell him we were related.

KRAMER STORMS OUT AND BACK INTO HIS APARTMENT. GEORGE ENTERS.

GEORGE

What was that all about?

JERRY

Nothing. Tell me something, would you rather push or pull?

GEORGE

Push of course, everyone loves to push. No one likes to pull. Who likes to pull? You have to use force to pull something, but to push it's like nothing is even there.

JERRY

What about soda, do you like to pull on the tab or push on the fountain soda?

GEORGE

Pull, because when you push on those fountains, you don't get that whoosh sound. If you're lucky at all you might get a fuzz sound, but that's the biggest. What about you?

JERRY

Oh, I can go either way.

GEORGE

Do you know what I really like, the twist and pop.

JERRY

Of course! The twist and pop, like on those Snapple bottles.

GEORGE

You know there's not a day that goes by where I don't twist and pop.

JERRY

It’s like a religion to you.

GEORGE

Hey, did I tell you that I'm taking out that marketing woman again. You remember Cheryl, the girl who works in my building.

JERRY

Oh, yes. How that going?

GEORGE

Good, it's still new and all. But she really seems to like me.

JERRY

Because she doesn't know you that well.

INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

GEORGE AND CHERYL ARE LOOKING OVER THEIR MENUS. THE WAITER COMES OVER.

WAITER

Can I get you a beverage?

CHERYL

I'll have a glass of red wine.

SHE GIVES GEORGE A DEVILISH SMILE.

GEORGE

I'll have a Snapple.

GEORGE SMILES BACK AT HER, AS HER SMILE DISAPPEARS.

GEORGE (con't)

Will you excuse me, I have to use the men's room.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA, TALKING ABOUT ELAINE'S BAD DATE.

ELAINE

So Rick reaches over and spills wine all over my new white dress.

JERRY

Then what did he do?

ELAINE

Nothing, all he did was wipe off the table, he didn't even bother to say sorry.

JERRY

And you left because of that?

ELAINE

Jerry, he didn't apologize. All he did was talk about his job.

JERRY

Really what does he do?

ELAINE

He works for a food vendor.

JERRY

What, like hostess twinkies?

ELAINE

I guess so.

JERRY

See if he knows how they get the cream filling in one of those things. I always wondered about that.

ELAINE

Jerry, you're not helping me here!

JERRY

Sorry, sorry. Well did you at least give him the look?

ELAINE

The look? What look?

JERRY

The look. The look you give when someone annoys you.

ELAINE

You mean like this.

SHE GIVES AN EVIL LOOK.

JERRY

Yes, that's the look. Did you give him that?

ELAINE

You know, I don't remember. But what I do know is that he's going to pay for the dry cleaning.

JERRY

I guess so, I mean red wine is hard to get out.

ELAINE

It was white.

JERRY

It was white, he spilled white wine on you?

ELAINE

The fact is that he was wrong, and should pay for the damages.

JERRY

Yeah, but white wine.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

GEORGE COMES BACK FROM THE BATHROOM.

GEORGE

Are you ready to order?

CHERYL

Oh, I already ordered for both of us.

GEORGE

What? You ordered for both of us, you don't even know what I wanted to order.

CHERYL

I know, but I have a real strong feeling about you and what you might like.

GEORGE REACHES FOR THE SNAPPLE BOTTLE AND TWISTED IT, ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT IT HAD ALREADY BEEN OPEN.

CHERYL

I opened your Snapple for you. Every time I see a Snapple bottle, I have this incredible urge to open one. I just love it when it makes that sound.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

GEORGE IS TELLING JERRY ABOUT HIS DATE WITH CHERYL LAST NIGHT.

GEORGE

So I come back from the bathroom only to find out that she had already ordered for me.

JERRY

She ordered your meal for you, well what kind of deal is that?

GEORGE

I know, I know. But it gets worse, much worse! Not only did she order for me, but she opened my Snapple bottle before I did. She claimed she liked the sound of it. It's not a sound, it's a pop. Everyone knows it's a pop.

SFX: DOOR BUZZER

JERRY

Yeah?

ELAINE

It’s me.

JERRY

Come on up.

JERRY CRACKS OPEN HIS ENTRANCE DOOR, THEN CONTINUES TALKING TO GEORGE.

JERRY(con't)

What did she order you?

GEORGE

A salad.

JERRY

And?

GEORGE

That's it, one salad.

JERRY

That's it, she orders you one salad for your whole meal?

GEORGE

She claimed she had a strong feeling about what I wanted. Look at me Jerry. Do you feel salad here?

JERRY

Can't say that I do.

ELAINE WALKS IN.

ELAINE

You ready?

JERRY

Yeah, George you coming?

GEORGE

No, you two go, I'm going to stay here.

ELAINE

What with him?

JERRY

Oh, he's having popable problems.

INT. MONKS COFFEE SHOP - DAY

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH.

JERRY

Anything new with the dress splashier?

ELAINE

No, he still hasn't said anything.

JERRY

So I guess that's over. 

ELAINE

He wishes, I'm definitely going to get him back for this.

JERRY

Do you think it's at all possible that he did not know that he spilled wine on you? After all it was white wine, he probably didn't even notice.

ELAINE

When you spill something you look around. At least he could have asked if anything got spilled on me.

JERRY

So he spills, doesn't ask if you got spilled on, and now you want to get him back because the stain of white wine on your dress went unnoticed?

ELAINE

Yes!

KRAMER ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP AND SITS NEXT TO ELAINE. HE'S HOLDING A PLASTIC CUP.

KRAMER

(TO JERRY)

Hey, I fixed your mailbox.

JERRY

What? There's nothing wrong with my mailbox.

KRAMER

Sure there was, remember that day when I couldn't get it open?

JERRY

Because you didn't have a key.

KRAMER

Oh!

KRAMER STARTS TO DRINK OUT OF A STRAW. A DARK LIQUID SLOWLY RISES UP.

JERRY

What is that?

KRAMER

Soda.

ELAINE

Soda, What happened to the rest of it?

KRAMER

I ran out of seltzer.

JERRY

So all you're doing is drinking the syrup, isn't that a little sweet?

KRAMER TAKES A SIP AND JOLTS BACK.

KRAMER

A little.

ELAINE

So Jerry, what am I supposed to do with Rick?

JERRY

I don't know, when are you supposed to see him again?

ELAINE

He invited me to his place tonight, so I have to think of something before I go.

KRAMER

What about one of those sparkling grape cider bottles?

ELAINE

You mean the ones that come in those champagne bottles?

KRAMER

Yeah, when you get outside his door, you shake it up real good. So when he opens it. Hallelujah, it's going to blow!

JERRY

You're going to listen to soda boy here? I don't think that's a good idea.

ELAINE

No Jerry, It's perfect. Not only will the juice get on him, but all over his apartment.

INT. RICK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ELAINE IS OUTSIDE RICK'S APARTMENT DOOR, SHAKING UP THE CIDER BOTTLE. THEN KNOCKS ON HIS DOOR, RICK OPENS DOOR.

RICK

Hello Elaine, thanks for coming over.

ELAINE

Sure, no problem.

RICK

Would you mind taking off your shoes, I just had the carpet washed.

ELAINE

Carpet washed? No I don't mind, I always say there's nothing better than a man who knows how to keep his carpet clean. Oh here, I brought us this.

SHE HANDS RICK THE BOTTLE.

RICK

Okay, great I'll get some glasses.

RICK EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN, AS ELAINE GOES AND SITS ON HIS SOFA. HE COMES OUT WITH TWO WINE GLASSES IN HIS HAND, AND IS ABOUT TO OPEN THE BOTTLE. ELAINE JOLTS BACK WAITING FOR IT TO EXPLODE. RICK OPENS THE BOTTLE AND NOTHING HAPPENS.

RICK (con't)

Elaine, are you okay?

ELAINE

Yes, I'm uh, fine.

RICK HANDS HER THE GLASS AND SHE TAKES A SIP.

ELAINE (con't)

Hey, this isn't what I brought!

RICK

I know, but I felt the grape cider was a little to childish for us.

ELAINE GIVES HIM THE LOOK.

INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE - DAY

GEORGE IS AT HIS DESK AND IS ABOUT TO OPEN HIS SNAPPLE BOTTLE, BUT STOPS WHEN HE HEARS CHERYL CALLING FOR HIM. GEORGE HIDES HIS SNAPPLE BOTTLE INSIDE THE WASTEBASKET. CHERYL ENTERS.

CHERYL

George could you help me with a fax?

GEORGE

Sure, why not?

GEORGE RETURNS FROM HELPING CHERYL, GOES OVER TO THE WASTEBASKET AND HIS SNAPPLE IS GONE.

SXF: POP!

CHERYL ENTERS HIS OFFICE WITH AN OPENED SNAPPLE BOTTLE IN HER HAND.

GEORGE

Where did you get that?

CHERYL

That nice custodian who works here, he gave it to me. Would you like a sip? 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA.

JERRY

So did you give him the look this time?

ELAINE

Yes, and he still said nothing. But I will find a way to get him back.

JERRY

Just keep dating him. That should be torture enough.

GEORGE ENTERS AND TAKES OUT A SNAPPLE BOTTLE FROM HIS COAT POCKET AND PLACES IT ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.

JERRY

Hey Snapple!

JERRY REACHES FOR THE BOTTLE.

GEORGE

Wait! I haven't opened it yet.

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

I had to sneak it out of work today so Cheryl wouldn't open it.

JERRY AND ELAINE JUST LOOK AT EACH OTHER. GEORGE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. KRAMER ENTERS AND WALKS OVER TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND GRABS A SODA.

JERRY

What are you doing?

KRAMER

What? I'm getting a soda.

JERRY

Isn't that why you have three soda machines at your place. Don't tell me you ran out of seltzer again?

KRAMER

No, I just miss that whoosh sound.

KRAMER SEES THE SNAPPLE BOTTLE.

KRAMER(con't)

Hey Snapple.

JERRY

No wait!

KRAMER POPS THE TOP AND GULPS ALL THE JUICE DOWN.

KRAMER

Ahh! Okay, I'll see you later.

KRAMER LEAVES AS GEORGE EXITS THE BATHROOM.

GEORGE

What nerve that woman has for opening my Snapple bottle. If I had my way, people like Cheryl would be shot.

GEORGE PICKS UP AND LOOKS AT HIS EMPTY SNAPPLE BOTTLE. HE GIVES JERRY AND ELAINE THE LOOK.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING

JERRY WAKES UP AND STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE KITCHEN. HE SEES KRAMER THERE DRESS IN A RAINCOAT.

JERRY

Is it raining out?

KRAMER

No, why?

JERRY

No reason.

JERRY WALKS THROUGH A PUDDLE OF SODA, WHICH IS SEEPING UNDERNEATH HIS APARTMENT DOOR.

JERRY (con't)

Is there something wrong with you soda machine?

KRAMER

Uh, no.

KRAMER TRIES TO ACT INNOCENT AND LEAVES JERRY'S APARTMENT. KRAMER RE-ENTERS AND STARTS THROWING HANDFULS OF CUPS INTO JERRY'S APARTMENT.

KRAMER (con't)

Here you want it, here take it!

JERRY

What are you doing, calm down.

KRAMER

I can't Jerry! I hate that machine. I miss the pop. You got to help me, I got three of those things and they're over flowing like the mighty Mississip!

JERRY

All right, just calm down. Let me just go down and get my mail. Then we'll go take care of you personal aquarium over there.

INT. APARTMENT LOBBY - DAY

JERRY WALKS OVER TO HIS MAILBOX AND SEES THAT THE DOOR IS GONE.

JERRY

Oh, I can't believe this.

NEWMAN ENTERS THE LOBBY CARRYING HIS MAILBAG.

NEWMAN

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

Hello Newman. Have you seen my mail?

NEWMAN

Yes, but we can't deliver it to a broken mailbox. As a matter of fact, it's a crime to have a broken mailbox. I'm afraid you'll have to come down to the station with me.

JERRY

Don't you mean the post office?

NEWMAN

That's exactly what I mean.

INT. POST OFFICE - DAY

JERRY FOLLOWS NEWMAN TO THE POST OFFICE COUNTER.

JERRY

Okay Newman, let's get this over with. I don't want to be stuck here in your little domain anymore than I have to. So c'mon, how much do I owe? 

NEWMAN

Only if it was that easy Seinfeld.

JERRY

It is that easy. How much?

NEWMAN

Fine. $52.50.

JERRY

$52.50? Are you sure? That seems a little high.

NEWMAN

Oh, I never joke about the mail.

JERRY

Fine, here.

JERRY HANDS HIM HIS CREDIT CARD. NEWMAN PUTS THE CARD THROUGH THE MACHINE, BUT IT IS REJECTED FOR BEING OVER ITS LIMIT.

NEWMAN

I'm afraid you'll have to use another method of payment.

JERRY

What, why?

NEWMAN

It appears that your credit card is over its limit. Too many times at the hair salon? Pretty boy!

JERRY

Kramer!

INT. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP - DAY

JERRY, GEORGE, AND ELAINE ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH.

JERRY

Well, than what happened?

ELAINE

Well I was already to forgive Rick, because he turned out to be a nice guy.

SHE LOOKS OVER AT GEORGE.

GEORGE

I stopped by after work to drop off her dry cleaning, because I got her that discount. So I took my jacket off and place it on the sofa.

ELAINE

Yeah, he forgot that he left his Snapple bottle in his jacket pocket.

JERRY

Snapple in the pocket huh?

GEORGE

I was hiding it from Cheryl.

ELAINE

So Rick sits down on top of the jacket, the bottle breaks and the juice goes all over him and on my sofa.

JERRY

He broke up with you because of that?

ELAINE

He doesn't like Snapple.

JERRY

I guess not.

KRAMER ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP.

KRAMER

Hey all. Jerry, you ready?

GEORGE

Where are you two going?

JERRY

He asked me to help him move those soda fountains back to the deli.

ELAINE

Sounds like fun.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY 

JERRY AND KRAMER ARE WALKING TOWARDS KRAMER'S APARTMENT.

KRAMER

Look, I'll pay you back.

JERRY

Yeah, yeah.

THEY HEAR A STRANGE NOISE COMING FROM KRAMER'S APARTMENT.

JERRY (con't)

What is that?

KRAMER

I don't know.

KRAMER OPENS THE DOOR, AS THEY SEE A TIDAL WAVE OF SODA HEADED IN THEIR DIRECTION. 

FADE OUT: