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THE SLAW
A script for the NBC TV series
Seinfeld
by Glen Eric Reed and Michael A.
Weintraub
FADE IN:
INT. MONK'S CAFÉ - DAY
JERRY
and ELAINE are sitting opposite of each other in a booth, eating lunch. It is
raining quite heavily outside.
ELAINE
You know... that
sandwich looks good.
Jerry
nods while his mouth is full of food, gesturing with his hands, indicating that
he has something to say. He finishes swallowing.
JERRY
It is... but it's
missing something.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
I don't know.
KRAMER
enters, wearing sunglasses. He recognizes Jerry, who waves to him. He walks to
Jerry and Elaine's booth and sits down next to Elaine.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, Elaine.
ELAINE
Wow, you look good!
Kramer
looks at her funny. Elaine stares at him.
KRAMER
I am good.
JERRY
One hell of a pair of
sunglasses you have there.
KRAMER
Like it's sunny.
JERRY
But it's cloudy.
Kramer
makes the old gunshot hand gesture, jerks his head back, and winks.
KRAMER
Exactly.
Jerry
nods and takes another bite of the sandwich. He shakes his head, still
disappointed with his lunch. Kramer cocks his head at Jerry.
KRAMER
What, no slaw?
Jerry
points at Elaine.
JERRY
That's it!
Elaine
breaks out of her daze of staring at Kramer.
ELAINE
Huh? What?
Jerry
gestures to the sandwich.
JERRY
This sandwich, it's
missing coleslaw.
ELAINE
Oh.
Elaine
returns to staring at Kramer.
JERRY
You really are
infatuated with Kramer's look today.
ELAINE
Where did you get those
sunglasses?
Kramer
points at his sunglasses.
KRAMER
These sunglasses?
GEORGE
bursts in, waving his arms, with a letter in one hand.
GEORGE
I'm a winner, baby! I'm
finally a winner!
He
rushes to the booth, where he sits in the open seat next to Jerry. Kramer and
Jerry exchange openmouthed looks.
JERRY
What happened?
GEORGE
I won a VCP.
JERRY
What's a VCP?
KRAMER
Isn't that a narcotic?
JERRY
No, I believe that's
PCP.
GEORGE
It's a video cassette
player. It's like a VCR but it doesn't "R." It only "P"s.
JERRY
It doesn't record?
GEORGE
No, because then it'd be
a VCR.
KRAMER
Ahh.
JERRY
How did you win it?
GEORGE
I won it in a raffle
draw down at the mall by my parents' house.
JERRY
You actually entered a
raffle?
GEORGE
Yeah, I put my business
card into a fishbowl two weeks ago, and they sent me this letter today.
George
shows the letter in his hand to Jerry.
JERRY
Why do you have a
business card? You don't even have a business!
GEORGE
(mumbling)
My mother thought I
should make some up.
KRAMER
That mall right by where
your parents live?
George
nods.
GEORGE
That's what I said,
isn't it?
KRAMER
That's where I got these
sunglasses.
ELAINE
You got those in a mall?
George, when do you have to pick up your VCR?
GEORGE, KRAMER, and
JERRY
"P."
ELAINE
Okay, "P."
GEORGE
Tomorrow, by 3 o'clock.
ELAINE
Great, I'll go with you.
I can get some new sunglasses there, then.
KRAMER
You know, Jerry. There's
some great slaw at that mall.
JERRY
I'm there.
ELAINE
Why don't we all meet
there for lunch?
The
other three nod in unison.
EXT. MALL - DAY
It
is the next day, sunny. Jerry and Elaine are standing outside the mall. Elaine
is shielding her eyes from the sunlight and squinting. Jerry is wearing
sunglasses.
JERRY
So, you're sure you're
not joining us for lunch? I understand they make some very good slaw.
ELAINE
No, I just want to get
to the sunglass store. It's going to take me a while to pick out a pair.
Kramer
and George show up. Kramer is wearing his designer sunglasses, and George is
wearing clip-on sunglasses.
KRAMER
So, are we all ready for
some slaw?
GEORGE
I, umm, ate before we
left. My mother made me a bologna sandwich. I think I'll just go and get a
candy bar.
He
starts to leave, but Kramer grabs him.
KRAMER
What're you getting?
GEORGE
Mr. Goodbar.
Kramer
lets him go. George flips up his clip-on sunglasses and walks into the mall.
KRAMER
It's his loss.
(turns
to Elaine)
Elaine?
Elaine,
holding up both hands to shield her eyes now, turns to face Kramer.
ELAINE
No, I'm heading to the
sunglass store.
She
leaves. Kramer and Jerry look at each other. Jerry shrugs.
JERRY
It's her loss.
INT. SUNGLASS SHOP - DAY
Elaine
walks in. The only other person, the SALESGIRL, is on the telephone. Elaine
starts to browse.
INT. MALL RESTAURANT -
DAY
Jerry
and Kramer are sitting at a table. A WAITRESS comes and delivers each of them a
huge heaping plate of coleslaw.
WAITRESS
Are you guys sure you
don't want anything else?
Jerry
and Kramer shake their heads vigorously.
KRAMER
We're here for the slaw.
The
waitress shrugs and walks away. Jerry looks at Kramer.
JERRY
Should coleslaw be eaten
with a fork or a spoon?
KRAMER
Spoon.
JERRY
Okay.
KRAMER
You've gotta get all the
juices.
JERRY
Of course.
KRAMER
Juices.
JERRY
Juices.
Jerry
alternately picks up a tablespoon and a teaspoon, holding one in each hand
before Kramer.
JERRY
Table or tea?
KRAMER
Table. Teaspoon takes
too long.
JERRY
Aha.
They
both pick up their spoons and begin to eat. After several bites, Jerry looks
up.
JERRY
Mmm, this is good slaw.
KRAMER
Told you so.
Jerry
pauses and looks up pensively.
JERRY
You know, there's a
flavor here. I can't quite place it though.
Kramer
continues eating his coleslaw nonstop for the remainder of this scene and
speaks all of his lines with his mouth full.
KRAMER
Chocolate?
JERRY
Chocolate? Somehow I
don't think our society has advanced far enough to make a chocolate coleslaw.
KRAMER
Just a thought.
JERRY
And a good one at that.
I was thinking of something along the lines of fruit.
KRAMER
Fruit?
JERRY
Yeah, fruit.
KRAMER
Tomato.
JERRY
Are you sure that's a
fruit? I thought it was a vegetable.
KRAMER
It's got seeds; it's
fruit.
JERRY
So it is.
KRAMER
Look, are you gonna eat
your slaw, or are you gonna keep talking about it?
JERRY
All right, all right.
Jerry
takes another bite.
JERRY
It is good slaw.
KRAMER
Of course it is. The
best.
JERRY
Still, I wonder what
this flavor is.
Kramer
points his spoon, full of coleslaw, at Jerry.
KRAMER
Who says coleslaw has to
have a flavor?
JERRY
It usually doesn't.
That's the beauty of this coleslaw. It has flavor.
Kramer
shrugs. They continue to eat a little more. Suddenly, Jerry jerks up in his chair.
JERRY
Pears.
KRAMER
Pears?
JERRY
Pears.
KRAMER
What about 'em?
JERRY
That is the flavor in
the coleslaw. Pears.
Kramer
shakes his head.
KRAMER
There're no pears in
this slaw.
JERRY
Sure there are. The
flavor is distinct. I taste pears.
KRAMER
Cabbage.
JERRY
But cabbage has no
flavor. I tell you, I taste pear.
KRAMER
I taste cabbage.
JERRY
How can you taste
cabbage? Cabbage has no taste.
KRAMER
Sure it does; it tastes
like cabbage.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
George
is standing in front of the candy machine. He has a look of despair. The Mr.
Goodbar he wants is in the space behind a Peanut M&M's bag. He rubs his
chin while deciding what to do.
INT. SUNGLASS SHOP - DAY
The
salesgirl is still on the phone, with her back to Elaine. Elaine holds her hand
to her face like a phone and begins to mimic the girl, complete with her hand
gestures. The girl notices this in the mirror and turns around.
SALESGIRL
May I help you?
Elaine
tries to make it look like she wasn't caught mimicking.
ELAINE
(stammering)
Oh, not yet, I'm just
looking.
The
salesgirl goes back to her phone conversation.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
George
is still staring at the candy machine and does not know what to do. He gestures
at the machine and at the bar he wants, which is still behind the M&M's,
and shakes his head. A MAN walks up to the machine.
GEORGE
(quietly)
Do you want some Peanut
M&M's?
The
man ignores George and buys something else. He walks away. An ELDERLY WOMAN
walks up to the machine.
GEORGE
Excuse me, ma'am, how
are you today?
The
woman looks at George.
WOMAN
I'm fine, thank you.
GEORGE
Have you decided which
candy bar you'll be purchasing this afternoon?
WOMAN
No, I have not.
GEORGE
If I may, perhaps I
could interest you in some Peanut M&M's?
WOMAN
Why's that?
GEORGE
Well, you see ... it's
my son, he's sick, and, well, the M&M's people pledged that they would pay
a nickel of his bills for every bag sold. So far, they've raised nearly twenty
thousand dollars.
WOMAN
Oh, that's horrible.
What's wrong with him?
George
ponders this for a moment. He is starting to sweat and wipes his forehead with
a handkerchief.
GEORGE
Oh, he has
(a
beat)
cancer.
WOMAN
What kind?
GEORGE
What kind? Does it
matter what kind?
WOMAN
Well, it matters to me.
George
pauses and wipes his forehead again.
GEORGE
It's bone cancer.
WOMAN
Oh my, that's terrible!
GEORGE
Oh yes, yes it is. So
you must understand how important it is that you buy these Peanut M&M's.
WOMAN
But what about the plain
ones? Those are my favorite.
GEORGE
They're only donating
for the peanut ones.
WOMAN
But I'm allergic to
peanuts.
GEORGE
My son's allergic to
cancer, lady! Just buy the damn candy!
The
woman turns her head and quickly walks away.
INT. SUNGLASS SHOP - DAY
Elaine
runs out of patience.
ELAINE
Excuse
me?
The
salesgirl puts the phone aside and turns to Elaine.
SALESGIRL
Yes?
Elaine
points at several pairs in the glass case.
ELAINE
I'd like to see these
two, please.
The
salesgirl takes out the sunglasses, places them on the counter, and returns to
her phone call. The two pairs look almost identical. Elaine alternately tries
them on and poses in the mirror.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
A
NUN walks out of the ladies room next to the candy machines. George waves at
her.
GEORGE
Umm, excuse me, sister.
The
nun stops.
NUN
Yes?
GEORGE
If you don't mind my
saying, you seem to me like a Peanut M&M's type of gal.
The
nun hits George with her purse and quickly runs away.
George
looks like he's ready to give up. A BEAUTIFUL SUPERMODEL approaches. George's
face lights up.
GEORGE
Haven't I seen you
someplace before?
MODEL
No, I don't think so.
GEORGE
Yes, I do think so. I'm
a face guy, and I know your face. I've seen your face somewhere before.
MODEL
Well, I am a model.
Maybe you've seen me in Glamour magazine?
GEORGE
Oh of course, Glamour
magazine. I use it all the time.
The
model cocks her head at George at looks at him strangely.
MODEL
Excuse me?
GEORGE
Read; I meant read.
The
model walks away.
MODEL
Pervert!
GEORGE
I meant read! I meant
read!
INT. MALL RESTAURANT -
DAY
Jerry
and Kramer are still eating their coleslaw.
JERRY
Say, it's almost 3
o'clock. I wonder if George has picked up his VCP yet.
A
mall SECURITY OFFICER enters and sits at a table near them.
KRAMER
I've always wanted to
work for mall security.
JERRY
Why? What's the point?
KRAMER
Respect.
(a
beat)
I want to find out what
it means to me.
JERRY
Respect?
KRAMER
Just a little bit.
JERRY
But who respects mall
cops?
KRAMER
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