OZ characters represented herein are the property of HBO, Rysher
and Levinson/Fontana Pictures. Seinfeld is property of
Tri-Star and Castle Rock Entertainment (I guess, somebody let me
ONE: OPENING CREDITS. Fade in to the interior of the Oswald Maximum
State Penitentiary, where a long line of new inmates shuffles
a table monitored by two prison guards. JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER
each other closely, awaiting their regulation prison uniforms and
(in front of the other two, shifting his weight from foot to foot) I
see why you guys are so bent out of shape. It's only a year. It'll go
like that. (Snaps fingers)
line moves some more. GEORGE and KRAMER look particularly anxious and
their new surroundings with trepidation.
(calm) Of course, you can't count weekends, because they go by so
regardless of where you are. Then there are the offical bank
and various religious observances...so it won't even feel like a
At best, six months.
(hands in pockets, a shifty glance eyeing the rough-looking fellow
him) Say, Jerry, did you ever notice that every month has at least
holiday except August? What's up with that? You know, August really
have a holiday. At least one, Jerry!
(softly) May doesn't have a holiday.
BEHIND KRAMER: Mother's Day is in May.
three turn their heads around to look at INMATE. They nod politely and
There's that, and there's also May Day.
May Day? What kind of a holiday is called May Day?
(shrugs) I don't know, George. All I know is that it's on my calendar
(shaking his head) May Day. That's not a holiday, that's a distress
(taps GEORGE on shoulder) Say, George, maybe we can get the prison
to institute Festivus in August. You know, to even out the calendar?
(gritting his teeth) Would you knock it off with the Festivus talk?
want the people in here to think we're a bunch a loony tunes?
Who do you plan on impressing here, George?
lets out an exhaustive noise and the line moves some more. A few
pass before the conversation is resurrected.
(shyly) Uh, Jerry?
Um, when we get into the actual prison...could you, uh...
Could I what? Lend you my soap on a rope?
(annoyed) No! Could you, uh, pretend...to be my...you know.
(turns and looks at GEORGE with an amused look) Do I know?
(uncomfortable with saying it out loud) You know. (winks)
(explodes) My boyfriend! Boyfriend, boyfriend! I want you to be my
line erupts into catcalls and wolf whistles. A guard steps forward to
everybody down. George, realizing what he has said at so high a volume,
beet red and wishes to die right there.
(clearly relishing his friend's embarrassment) Ah, I don't think so.
What? Why not?
(whispering) You're not my type.
Jerry, come on! (quieter) You have to do this for me. If people
we're, uh, together, they'll leave us alone and we don't have to worry
that particular aspect of prison life, if you catch my drift.
He's got a point, Jerry. I mean, look at George. He's short,
and has delicate skin. Everybody will want him to be their
is easily discouraged by that thought.
(incredulous) Delicate skin? I have delicate skin?
Oh, yeah. Alabaster.
reaches the front of the line and is handed his things. GEORGE, like a
holds his hands out, collects his stuff, and follows JERRY. KRAMER
up the lone roll of toilet paper given to him and squeals in horror.
TWO: JERRY is lounging in the lower bunk of his new pod in EmCity,
he shares with GEORGE. GEORGE is elsewhere at the moment and JERRY is
a magazine when KRAMER bursts through his pod door in his usual
Got any Double Crunch?
reaches under his bunk for a box of cereal and hands it to KRAMER, who
into it immediately and stuffs a handful of the sweet cereal puffs in
mouth. JERRY watches with obvious disgust.
(frowns and crunches) Needs milk.
goes back to his magazine.
Hey, you mind if I hang out here for a while? There's a couple of
coming over to talk some business with me.
(looks up) A couple of guys?
To my pod?
winks again and nods enthusiastically.
And this can't happen where you live now?
(suddenly indignant) Jerry, I can't have these people knowing where
am! There are murderers in this building! I can't have that!
Uh, Kramer, this place isn't very large, and there are windows in all
cells. (JERRY gestures to his own to make a point) I don't think your
will be secret for very long.
stuffs another handful of cereal in his mouth and leans in one corner
the pod. Just then GEORGE, wrapped in a large towel and dripping wet,
into the pod.
(frightened for his own existence) HIDE ME!
(sitting up) What happened to you?
scrambles to get into his bunk, stepping on JERRY'S face in the
I don't have time to go into details. There are two very scary,
men heading this way and I don't want them to find me!
Ooh, George, did one of them have tattoos on his arms and a cross
dives under the covers and curls into a ball.
(voice muffled) Shut up! I'm not here, and I'm not George!
I suppose that's a good thing.
later, CHUCK PANCAMO and a fellow WISEGUY saunter into Jerry's pod.
is clenching his fists and looks as if he is about to tear the place
JERRY stands to greet them.
(arms open wide) Gentlemen, welcome to Shangri-La! (JERRY quickly
down and retrieves a bottle from underneath his bunk) Snapple?
You seen a short, naked man run by here?
rips the Snapple from JERRY's hand and takes a long drink, his mouth
full of cereal.
(playing dumb) Bald, obnoxious, with alabaster skin?
That's the guy. We caught him pissing in the shower. (CHUCK moves
to the bunk) I gotta use that shower, too, you know, and I don't like
when some pudgy prag uses it as a toilet.
(showing mock concern and bravado) Well, I guess I'll just have to
that little bitch a lesson when I see him next!
Oh, he's your prag?
Well, I'm never one to brag about my prag.
nods, a bit puzzled, and eyes the lump on the top bunk that is GEORGE.
(glances at a cowering GEORGE, then lowers his voice) Oh, no. That's
new guy. He's, uh, Art Vandelay.
Vandelay? What's he in for?
(steering the wiseguys to the pod exit) What isn't he in for? I've
tell that he was an architect...
(eager to be in on the charade) That's right. He designed one of his
to collapse just like that! (KRAMER snaps his fingers without
that's still holding some cereal. Sweet puffs explode in his hand)
(somber) What a mess. It took half the National Guard to subdue him,
of all the luck he's my roommate. (JERRY leans in closer to CHUCK) But
need to be really quiet while he's having his nap. He can get cranky, and
don't think any of us want that.
(wide-eyed and worried) Right, right. We wouldn't want that. We'll
you around, and if you see Piss Boy around here, tell him I'm looking
wiseguys make a hasty exit. JERRY waits until they are out of sight
slapping GEORGE'S hump.
You can't hold it in for two lousy seconds?
(still undercover) I had to go! There was a drain. (sits upright,
soaked) And why is it that I have to be your bitch?
(smiling) Because I called it first. You should be thanking me, too,
saving your sweet alabaster butt.
(mumbling) Shut up.
a knock on the pod door, and RYAN O'REILY, carrying a paper bag, and
(sulking back on his bunk) Yeah, whatever.
(pointing to the cereal) That Double Crunch?
hands RYAN the box, blind to the look of anguish on JERRY'S face.
and CHRIS tear into the cereal while JERRY kicks a bulky object
his bunk, hoping the rest of his possessions don't get doled out.
So, Kramer. You got what I need?
(playing it cool) Oh, yes I do, my friend. (pats shirt pocket) You?
smiles and reaches into the bag for a roll of toilet tissue and hands
to Kramer, who responds by surrendering two Cuban cigars, which RYAN and
immediately put in their mouths.
(nearly apoplectic) Cubans? You smuggled Cuban cigars into prison?
the hell did you do that?
(winks) Oh, I have my ways. I know how to hide things.
ponders this statement and takes the cigar out of his mouth.
This is why you needed my pod? To get toilet paper?
Not just any toilet paper, Jerry. This is the quilted kind. (shrinks
horror) I can't use that stuff they gave us here. It's abrasive, Jerry.
(rising) Well, if this little exchange is over, gentlemen, I need to
Oh, I promised I'd call Elaine down at Parker Women's.
Elaine, that's the girl that was arrested with you?
(smiling wickedly) Oh yeah, I seen her on TV. She's hot.
(confused) What? Don't tell me you go for girls? I thought this
saunters closer to the bunk. GEORGE presses himself against the wall
I like lots of people, Piss Boy.
gasps and dives back under the covers. CHRIS and RYAN enjoy a good
at his expense.
All right. C'mon Kramer, we'll move this party over to my pod and we
discuss that other business deal.
(curious) Other deal?
(excited) Oh, yeah. We're all going into business putting out a line
clothing based on prison wear. Striped pants, shirts with numbers on
be the next new thing. Hey, you remember that girl I used to
The one who designed the puffy shirt?
(incredulous) The Low Talker?
I remember her well. I remember that her testimony at our trial
put us here in the first place.
(unfazed) Yeah, well we're gonna get her to make the clothes for
and Ryan here is gonna get them marketed on the outside.
(to RYAN) So, you were in the fashion business?
(smiling) Naw, but I got contacts.
Oh? (interested) Do these, uh, contacts have access to some more
Depends on what you got to trade, Piss Boy.
bristles at the new nickname, which he clearly dislikes, but decides
to rile these seasoned inmates.
Well, uh, I got Snapple.
rolls his eyes; it's really his Snapple. RYAN and CHRIS look at each
and laugh, then walk away, KRAMER in tow. A beat later, JERRY leaves
(calling after them, agitated, still clutching his bedsheets) Hey,
It's not funny, you know! I am not one to be mocked. I used to date
Tomei! I even killed my fiance!
THREE: Split-screen features a two-way phone conversation between
and ELAINE, who is incarcerated at Parker Women's Correctional
ELAINE is dressed in a drab gray jumpsuit and glancing about her
with obvious disgust.
So, I ask the guard if there's a chance I could get something in a
blue. I mean, I look amazing in dark blue. This thing (she gestures to
clothing), I might as well wear a potato sack.
(bored) Uh-huh. Hey, you might not want to consider dressing too
given where you are.
(pondering the thought) Oh, that. (laughs) Well, I tell you, as long
I've been without sex, straddling the fence is starting to appeal to me
You've only been in prison for four days.
Well, it's four days too long for me, and I don't think I can make
another three hundred and sixty-one.
(slyly) Are you still queen of the castle?
The queen was overthrown the first night, are you kidding?
Hey, you wanna get married?
Maybe if we got married we could have conjugal visits.
scratches his chin. The idea does have merit.
Interesting, interesting. But why me? Why don't you ask Puddy?
(cringing) Puddy, yeesh. He's dating that girl Marla now. You
the closet organizer.
(shocked) The Virgin? Puddy's dating my virgin.
(sour, recalling the JFK, Jr. incident) My sources say that nickname
sorely outdated, my friend.
FEMALE GUARD approaches Elaine.
GUARD: (gruffly) Benes, you got visitors.
cups her hand over the receiver, curious to know who would be
(to JERRY) I'll call you back.
hangs up without saying goodbye and follows GUARD.
FOUR: At the cafeteria, KRAMER and JERRY are eating lunch alone when
Where's Piss Boy?
Oh, he decided he wasn't hungry. He's sulking in our pod trying to
of a way to get people to call him by a different nickname.
(somewhat disappointed) But I like Piss Boy. What name's he thinking
We already got a T-Bone here. Only he ain't called that because he
and KRAMER both think about it and collectively shudder.
(to KRAMER) Anyway, it's all set. All we do is send the designs to
ladyfriend, and she'll have the samples by the end of the week.
(pushing away his sandwich) Just like that? After we single-handed
her career, and she's going to help now?
It took some convincing.
What did she say?
(wrinkles his brow) You know, I'm not sure. My buddies said they
understand a word.
FIVE: GEORGE is walking from the library back to his pod, a paperback
hand. Various inmates pass by greeting him as "Piss Boy". GEORGE
in and waves nonchalantly, pretending it doesn't bother him. He is
to the stairs when KENNY WANGLER calls him from behind.
Yo! I hear you're Seinfeld's prag.
(smirking, as if relishing a shrewd thought) Actually, my friend (he
a hand on KENNY's shoulder then quickly retracts it after the dirty
given to him), it's the other way around. Sometimes I allow Jerry to
it differently. You know, to make him feel special.
(could care less) Whatever. Here (hands GEORGE a folded note). Tell
to give this to his roommate, Vandelay. I hear he's the one to call to
a job like this done.
GEORGE starts to unfold the note but KENNY grabs his wrist.
I said it's for Vandelay. (turns to leave) And try not to get it wet.
mimics the young inmate and waits until he is gone before opening the
becoming shocked as he reads.
SIX: Elsewhere in the cafeteria, CHUCK and the WISEGUYS are eating.
(wolfing down his dinner) I tell ya, when I get my hands on Piss Boy,
gonna tear off his arms and legs and use him as a planter.
He's got nice hands, though. I wonder if he was a hand model.
throws him a disgusted look.
Anyways, keep an eye on that Seinfeld, so long as Vandelay is nowhere
I heard Vandelay once destroyed an entire crack house full of
Killed every last one of them.
Well, I overheard the Christians talking about how he used to
abortion clinics with asbestos in the walls so all the doctors would
cancer and die, and nobody would be the wiser.
discussion of "Vandelay's" misdeeds continues, while one table away
SCHILLINGER sits with the ARYAN BROTHERHOOD, eavesdropping.
SEVEN: Back at Parker Women's, ELAINE is led into the visiting area
set down before a plexiglass panel by the FEMALE GUARD.
GUARD: There's quite a few people, so we'll bring 'em in one at a
who wasn't expecting visitors, let alone one person, is still
A montage of guests follows.
DALYRIMPLE, former head of NBC Programming, is first. He is
and looks as if he has been pulled from the East River.
(shyly) So there I was, stranded on this desert island after I fell
the Greenpeace boat. I ate nothing but coconuts for four years, with
my thoughts of you sustaining my sanity...
(trying to be polite) Well, that's just sweet. Now, who are you
the artist cured by the Junior Mint, is next. He holds up a dark
of Elaine in prison.
I just had to come by and thank you, Elaine. Your incarceration is the
thing that happened to my career. I've sold just about all of my
in the Elaine series.
(scrunching her face at the likeness of her) Uh, thanks.
(holding up a box of candy) I brought you some Junior Mints. Maybe you
trade them for cigarettes or something.
TV GUIDE COLLECTOR who created the Elaine mannequin is next. He arrives
an armful of TV Guides.
GUIDE COLLECTOR: I tell you, my heart just broke when I found out you
here. But don't you worry, I'm going to save every single copy of TV
for you that comes out until you're released.
(eyeing the guard, waiting for this hell to end) You do that.
MAESTRO is next. He plays a rather violent-sounding concerto for her on
I composed it last week. I call it 'Elaine's Prison Attack in G
(elated) The world tour begins in two days!
PETERMAN is ELAINE'S last visitor. ELAINE is actually happy to see him.
Mr. Peterman! How nice of you to come see me. I hope this, uh, whole
with the prison won't have an effect on my job.
Quite the contrary, Elaine. Your incarceration could prove to be a
for us. I would be insane to let an opportunity like this pass by,
as how I have someone on the inside.
(doesn't follow him) Uh, inside?
Of course! (leans into the glass and speaks lower into the phone)
Peterman is going to produce a new line of prison-inspired clothing.
jumpsuits, shirts with those numbers on them...we'll take Paris by
nods sagely, all the while thinking PETERMAN is off his tree.
And I want you to write all the catalog descriptions. I'm sure by
you have a feel for the life of the wanton female inmate...
(interrupting) I've been here for four days --
(ignoring her)...and I want to make everything sound as realistic
possible. Don't spare the lingo they use here in the slammer. (chuckles
himself) Oh, and if you've already dabbled in the love that dare not
it name, throw in some of that, too.
rolls her eyes and hangs up the phone.
EIGHT: Several INMATES are gathered around the television watching
Sally. JERRY finds a vacant seat next to GEORGE, who is wearing a
ballcap pulled over his face.
How's my sweet little prag doing?
casts JERRY a glare that says, "Bite me."
Do you mind? I'm keeping a low profile. I've got wiseguys after me,
now the gangstas want me to arrange to have people killed on the
What are you talking about?
(hands JERRY the note) Somebody gave me this. Apparently the legend
Art Vandelay has grown to epic proportions. He's like a cross between the
and Hannibal Lecter.
glances at the note and his interest is piqued.
So, what are you going to do?
ME? You're the one who started this whole Vandelay in prison
Ah, yes, but Vandelay is your creation, and I think you owe it to the
people of this prison who wish to use Vandelay's services to murder
on the outside to tell the truth.
grins while GEORGE snatches the note back and sulks. Everyone else
them is too engrossed in Miss Sally's antics to pay attention.
HILL, for one, is completely smitten as Miss Sally banters with
puppets Pecky and Nooter.
Man, what I wouldn't give to be a puppet for five minutes.
BEECHER: You know Vandelay used to go out with her.
chorus of disbelieving voice rises and GEORGE just shakes his head.
(muttering to himself) Terrific, not only does the man not exist,
he has a better love life than I ever had.
It's true, and you know what else? He once slept with Marisa Tomei!
this revelation, GEORGE is clearly fed up, and he stands and blocks the
Okay, that's it! It's enough that the fictional Art Vandelay has
on a life of his own, but I'll be damned if he's going to take my
(ignoring the catcalls and curses to sit down) Marisa Tomei was mine,
Tell 'em, Jerry. Tell 'em how Marisa likes short, stocky men.
You never slept with Marisa Tomei, George. Didn't you say she socked
in the jaw when she found out you were engaged?
is at a loss for words. He just stands there dumbfounded while
yell at him to move. At this time CHUCK and the WISEGUYS round a
Hey, it's Piss Boy! Get him!
WISEGUYS charge for GEORGE, who runs off screaming. JERRY sits back down
watch Miss Sally.
(to AUGUSTUS) Say, wasn't she in Rochelle, Rochelle?
NINE: Back at Parker Women's, where ELAINE is working at her new job
papers in the main office. TIM MCMANUS emerges from the warden's
with an armful of files.
Excuse me? (waves to get TIM'S attention) Uh, hi. I heard that
in charge of the cell block where my, uh, boyfriend is staying.
(quite taken with ELAINE) Your boyfriend is in OZ?
(shrugging, acting giddy) Yeah, well it's an interesting story, too
to get into now. (clears throat) I was wondering if you had a minute,
I wanted to discuss arranging a proxy wedding with him.
Sure, we can talk if you like. Doubt it'll do you much good, though.
Well, we do allow marriages for our prisoners under special
but currently conjugal visits have been barred at OZ.
looks as if she has been told she will never have sex again.
What? How can that be? The women here are allowed conjugals!
They are, but I'm sure many of the women here have husbands who aren't
So, if I were to marry somebody who wasn't in prison right now, I
have conjugal visits?
(smiling) It would appear so.
gives TIM the once over and smiles, deciding whether or not he is
TEN: GEORGE skids around a corner and runs for dear life down a
He passes an open door, where an arm reaches out, grabs him by the
and pulls him inside. GEORGE discovers himself in the gymnasium,
with SCHILLINGER and the ARYAN BROTHERHOOD. SCHILLINGER backs him into
(trying very hard not to wet himself, thereby perpetuating the
We understand you're a friend of Art Vandelay. (crowds in
with the rest of the BROTHERHOOD) We understand he's also a very
man to find.
I-I can explain that, you see, there really isn't--
(cuts him off) A man like Art Vandelay could be a real asset to
Aryan Brotherhood, if what I hear is true. He could be a real feather in
cap. You be sure to tell that to Art next time you see him. Tell him Vern
wants a meeting.
leans even closer to GEORGE, who is pressed so closely against
wall that he could almost fall through it.
Are you of the pure white race, boy?
(swallows hard, lying through his teeth) Yes.
evil grin curls SCHILLINGER'S lips.
A true Aryan brother wouldn't do something as disgusting as
in the same shower used by the brotherhood, Sweet Pea.
BROTHERHOOD closes in on GEORGE.
ELEVEN: JERRY is back in his pod, reading a magazine and lounging on
lower bunk. RYAN enters the pod, a la Kramer.
(straightening his shirt) Hey.
(not looking up) Hey.
Got any Double Crunch?
head still buried in the magazine, JERRY reaches underneath his bunk and
the cereal. He looks up then to discover that Kramer is really
and he does a double take. RYAN tears into the box of cereal and stuffs
handful of sweet puffs in his mouth.
(mouthful of cereal) Hey, you need the rest of this? My brother Cyril
this stuff, too.
(waving him away) Take it, take it all. But that's it. The food court
pod door opens and GEORGE, looking as if he endured a tornado, stumbles
JERRY begins to ask what happened, but GEORGE simply holds up his
climbs up into his bunk and passes out. RYAN, acting as if stuff like
happens all the time, digs for another handful of cereal.
(to RYAN) So, how's your little fashion escapade coming along? Do you
think you can operate and market a line of prisonwear from in here?
(winking) You'd be surprised, my friend.
TWELVE: This is a montage of brief flashback scenes depicting the
in prisonwear. First, we see RYAN bribing one the GUARDS with a
cigar to take a manila envelope with the designs. Next, the GUARD
on the door of THE LOW TALKER, who clearly looks afraid for her life.
THE LOW TALKER is busy at her sewing machine creating the sample
under the serveillance of some intimidating thugs in RYAN'S gang.
one of the thugs is passing through security at Oswald with a box with
finished products. He is then led to a private conference room, where he
a scheduled visit with KRAMER, who takes the box, but not without some
The thug leaves, and J. PETERMAN walks into the conference room
a box. He and KRAMER trade.
THIRTEEN: Back in JERRY'S pod.
Yeah, it's great to have contacts on the outside. (holds up the cereal
Hey, where do you get all this great stuff?
(not to be outdone) Well, let's just say I have some contacts myself.
FOURTEEN: Miami, MORT and HELEN SEINFELD'S home. MORT is reading the
and HELEN is on her way out the door with her purse.
I'll be at the grocery store. Jerry wants more cereal.
FIFTEEN: Back in JERRY'S pod. KRAMER bursts through the door with the
(to KRAMER) So? What did he think?
(excited) He loved them! We're going to take Paris by storm!
and KRAMER high-five each other. KRAMER hurts his hand.
What's in the box?
tears open the package to reveal several rolls of quilted toilet
which he and RYAN scoop up greedily.
And there's more where this came from, baby!
leans in for a closer look and grabs a roll, staving off a look from
Consider it payment for the cereal, all right? Hey, that's J.
logo. He's going to produce your prisonwear?
You know it, Jerry.
Oh, man, that reminds me. I need to see McManus about Elaine.
hurries out while RYAN and KRAMER continue to unpack the toilet paper.
(to RYAN) You know what I'm thinking next? Those heavy ball and
anklets. Great for weddings, don't you think?
SIXTEEN: There is a knock on TIM MCMANUS'S office door and JERRY peers
head inside. He sees TIM with FATHER RAY, officer DIANE WITTLESEY and
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. McManus. I didn't know you were busy. I'll come
Oh, no, Jerry. Come in. I need a favor from you.
(surprised) From me?
(waving JERRY further inside) It's kind of a last-minute thing, I know,
I'm hoping you can help. You see, I'm getting married...
(eyeing DIANE, assuming she's the bride) Oh, that's great!
That's kind of strange, because I was about to ask you--
(interrupting) Anyway, it's a proxy wedding, and I'm short a witness.
you stand in for him?
finds the whole thing odd, seeing as how DIANE is standing right
but he agrees and takes his place next to TIM. SISTER PETER MARIE
next to DIANE and FATHER RAY begins the ceremony.
RAY: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Tim McManus
Elaine Benes in the bonds of holy matrimony...
jaw drops to the floor.
SEVENTEEN: Several inmates are gathered around the television,
the news and waiting for Miss Sally's show. Among them are GEORGE
JERRY, who sit in front. GEORGE peers over his shoulder from time to
to see SCHILLINGER staring at him intently.
So you didn't tell him that Vandelay doesn't exist?
(weary) No, it's kind of hard to explain such things when four guys
pinning you to the ground while the fifth pulls down your pants and
a swastika on your ass.
(wincing) Wow. It's amazing you can still sit down.
shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
Yeah. I really wish I had my wallet to sit on. (sarcastically)
if it's any consolation to me, I did receive an apology for having
alabaster skin charred.
has no response to that. He nods slowly until something on the
catches his eye.
(to AUGUSTUS, sitting next to him) Hey, let me see those for a sec.
hands over the headphones and GEORGE and JERRY each take an ear.
to the television screen, where a NEWS REPORTER is standing in front of
...and in a very controversial move this afternoon, Tim McManus,
runs the cell block in Oswald known as Emerald City, wed an inmate at
Women's State Penitentiary. Elaine Benes, one of the New York Four,
arrested and convicted...
(shocked beyond belief) Elaine! Elaine married that guy! What the
was she thinking?
(shrugging) Guess ol' McManus is sponge worthy.
all around. JERRY shushes everyone to hear the reporter continue.
In a related story, a massive letter and petition campaign has
with the express purpose of requesting clemency for one Art Vandelay,
is believed by many never to received a fair trial...
KELLER: That's right, Vandelay. You show them who's boss!
INMATES, save for JERRY and GEORGE, erupt in supportive cheers. GEORGE
again leaps up in front of the television.
Oh, for the love of everything sacred, people! There is no Art
He's fiction. I made him up as an alias to pick up girls on the
KELLER: What the hell are you talking about? Vandelay's as real as you
That's right. He's a true credit to the Aryan race, and I don't
anyone who besmirches his good name.
BEECHER: (tapping his chest) Who do you think did litigation work for
architectural firm, huh?
(looking around in disbelief) What? Are you people insane? I made
ADEBESI: Hey, Seinfeld! Look's like your prag is short a prong.
laughs. Jerry nods politely while GEORGE continues his downward
(face reddening) You people are all morons!
OFFICERS arrive on the scene and notice GEORGE about to explode.
OFFICER: Okay, what's going on here?
(eyes like saucers) Tell them, officers! Tell them there's no Art
I'm Art Vandelay.
OFFICERS look at the crowd for confirmation. Nobody says a word.
O'REILY (to his brother RYAN, softly) I thought you said his name was
OFFICER: Okay, that's enough. Come on, Piss Boy.
OFFICERS grab GEORGE by the arms and drag him away as the crows
JERRY watched helplessly.
(calling after him) I'll save you some Snapple, my sweet little prag!
(voice fading in the distance) Shut up! You're my prag! My prag!
EIGHTEEN: GEORGE is thrown naked into the Hole. He stumbles for a few
and lands on his hands. We cut to the point of view of the door
shut in front of him, granting us a view of GEORGE'S head through
(his face filling the small window) Hey, what is this? Lemme me out!
have to go to the bathroom. I'm not kidding, how am I supposed to go?
no drain in here. There's no drain! CLOSING CREDITS.
NINETEEN: END TEASER. JERRY and KRAMER are in line at the cafeteria,
for breakfast. The line is long and winding, but moving quickly.
Man, George is going to be in the hole for the entire month. You
he'll be all right?
Oh, he'll be fine. Estelle and Frank sent him a care package. Ryan
he'd take care of it.
TWENTY: Quick cut to the O'REILY pod where RYAN and CYRIL are rifling
GEORGE'S care package and splitting the goodies.
TWENTY-ONE: Back in line, JERRY and KRAMER move forward.
(slyly) Sooo, you talk to Elaine?
Yeah, she just had her "honeymoon." (sighs)
Well, I hope she and Tim are happy.
Oh, they will be, until Elaine gets out and files for divorce.
nods. It's likely to happen.
I hear there's a new guy working the kitchen.
He seems to be efficient. This line is moving.
later we hear the familiar cry NO SOUP FOR YOU! KRAMER and JERRY
at each other.
It couldn't be.
INMATE walks past them, obviously peeved at being refused dinner. JERRY
the shoulder of CHRIS KELLER, who is standing in front of him.
(to CHRIS) Hey, who's that? I haven't seen him before.
What? Are you messing with my head, Seinfeld? You don't even know
own roommate, Vandelay?
and KRAMER watch VANDELAY walk past, their mouths agape.