Seinfeld Meets Frasier
by: Theodore Jamison
Seinfeld in Seattle, PART 1
With Kelsey Grammer, Jane Leeves, David Hyde Pierce, Peri Gilpin and John Mahoney
(plane flies into the Seattle airport)
JERRY: Ah, Seattle. I've always wanted to visit there.
GEORGE: What, so you can make fun of it? It rains every day in Seattle, you know.
JERRY: You always see the negative, don't you? You should see a shrink about that problem.
GEORGE: I'm fine. I'm fine!
ELAINE: So, what do you want to do? I want to see Pike Place.
KRAMER: I think I'll open a new branch of Kramerica up here.
JERRY: Kramerica?! That fake company Kramerica?!
KRAMER: Someday it'll make a lot of money. You just watch.
GEORGE: I wonder if the Mariners would be interested in hiring me. They tell me Ichiro's really something.
JERRY: You wouldn't last a day with the Mariners.
GEORGE: Yes I would, too! I want to bring the first world championship to Seattle, let them have fun with it, huh?
(In terminal, Kramer rents a Chevy Impala. The gang gets into the car, and they drive out of the terminal.)
KRAMER: Let's see what's on the radio.
(He turns on radio. The Frasier Crane Show has just gotten started.)
KRAMER: Well, what do you know? It's Dr. Frasier Crane. I love this guy!
JERRY: At least he's a real doctor, unlike you.
KRAMER: I am, too, a real doctor. Remember, Dr. Van Nostrand?
JERRY: Dr. Van Nostrand, my eye!
FRASIER: (on radio) Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
KRAMER: (mimics Frasier) "I'm listening!" I'm telling you, Jerry, I love this guy!
JERRY: Then why don't you get your own show? Then you can get outta my life for good!
KRAMER: I think I will.
(The gang stops by Cafe Nervosa, where Frasier and Niles hang out and drink their coffee. George accidentally bumps into Niles, causing Niles to spill his latte all over his suit.)
NILES: You ingrate! Look what you just did!
GEORGE: I'm sorry, sir. Let me get this for you.
NILES: Oh, that's all right. I'm just waiting for Daphne.
GEORGE: Well, she's a lucky gal.
NILES: Thanks for saying that. So what's your name, and why are you here?
GEORGE: I'm George Costanza, and these are my friends from New York. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine.
(Jerry, Kramer and Elaine wave at Niles.)
NILES: Niles Crane. Welcome to Seattle.
KRAMER: (rushing towards George and Niles) You mean to tell me you're Frasier Crane's brother?
NILES: Yes, the very same. Are you a doctor?
KRAMER: Why, yes I am. The best doctor there ever--
JERRY: (pushes Kramer away) Get lost, will you? (George and Niles watch in horror as Kramer awkwardly falls to the floor.) Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm a comedian.
NILES: I don't know too much about comedy, but OK!
(Daphne enters Cafe Nervosa.)
DAPHNE: Ready to go, Niles? (looks at the four friends) Niles, who are these people?
NILES: Oh, just some out-of-towners. These are Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and George.
DAPHNE: Now I've seen everything. Let's go, Niles. Don't want to miss the Seattle Jazz festival.
ELAINE: Are you kidding!? I love jazz music!
DAPHNE: Really? That's too bad, because the concert has been sold out.
ELAINE: Well, maybe next year. Have fun!
(Daphne and Niles leave Nervosa. Frasier and Roz enter.)
FRASIER: Get me an espresso to go, will you? (gazes at the four friends) What is this?
KRAMER: I'm Dr. Van Nostrand, and I'm kind of new to Seattle.
FRASIER: Dr. Frasier Crane. Welcome. (They shake hands.) So, are you a psychiatrist?
FRASIER: Oh, well. I have just a little question to ask. You see, my father's been taking ill for a while, and I don't know what it is.
KRAMER: Say no more, because Dr. Van Nostrand will take care of this right away.
FRASIER: Oh, who are your friends?
KRAMER: This is Jerry, George and Elaine. (The other three greet Frasier.)
FRASIER: It's nice meeting you all.
KRAMER: I like this place. What do you recommend?
FRASIER: Try the espresso. I've been drinking this coffee for many years.
JERRY: (whispering) When are we gonna tell Frasier that Kramer's not a real doctor?
(In Frasier's apartment)
(Kramer rings Frasier's doorbell.)
FRASIER: Hello, Dr. Van--
KRAMER: (makes grand entrance) Hey. So, where's your dad?
FRASIER: He's in his room. Dad!?
MARTIN: (looks at Kramer) Oh, jeez. I'm going back to bed.
FRASIER: Oh no you're not! Look who's here. It's Dr. Van Nostrand!
KRAMER: How do you do?
MARTIN: How do you do? Marty Crane.
KRAMER: So Marty, Frasier says you're not feeling too good.
MARTIN: Uh, guess what? I just got better, so good night.
KRAMER: Hold on a second. I got some great stories to tell.
MARTIN: Well, in that case, I guess it's all right. Have a seat. (Kramer sits on couch, and Martin in his chair.)
(The next day, George goes to Safeco Field to apply for a job at the Mariners' front office.)
GEORGE: Excuse me, where is the owner's office?
MAN: Third door on the right.
GEORGE: Thank you. Go Mariners!
(George knocks on owner's door.)
OWNER: It's open. (George opens door.) Who are you?
GEORGE: George Costanza. I'm applying for a job with the Seattle Mariners.
OWNER: Do you have any previous sports experience?
GEORGE: Well, I used to work for the Yankees.
OWNER: Steinbrenner sucks! They lost the World Series again.
GEORGE: All right then, I guess this is a no.
OWNER: Quite the contrary. You just might be the one who finally guides the Seattle Mariners to the World Series!
GEORGE: Why are you saying that?
OWNER: Because I've been looking all over the world for the perfect man, and you, sir, are the perfect man for the job! Welcome aboard.
GEORGE: Thank you, sir! You won't regret it!
(Meanwhile, Kramer goes to KACL.)
ROZ: You seem a little lost, sir. May I help you?
KRAMER: I'm Cosmo Kramer, and I'm looking to get into the radio business.
ROZ: Yeah, right. Do you have what it takes to be a star?
KRAMER: As a matter of fact, I do. Listen to this. (Imitating Frasier) "I'm listening."
FRASIER: Hey, that's my line! (Frasier wrestles Kramer to the ground, and the two start fighting.)
ROZ: Break it up, both of you!
(Kenny happens to be in the hallway. He watches with absolute terror.)
KENNY: My goodness, what the hell just happened here!?
FRASIER: He made fun of my slogan!
KRAMER: But he knocked me down.
FRASIER: Security! Throw this man out!
KRAMER: You haven't heard the real reason why I'm here! I'm interested in the radio game, and I'd like to host a show of my own.
KENNY: Do you have any previous entertainment experience?
KRAMER: Remember the old Merv Griffin Show? I was a guest host on that show.
KENNY: Say no more. You're hired.
KENNY: Welcome to KACL, buddy. I can't wait to hear your show.
(At the hotel, the four friends celebrate George's new gig with the Mariners, and Kramer's new radio show.)
GEORGE: I'm so excited to start with the Mariners, the greatest team in the world!
JERRY: Thank God I'm still a Mets fan.
GEORGE: So you know what this means, do you?
JERRY: First of all, you have to move to Seattle.
GEORGE: I know. Wouldn't you like to move here? We can go to the games together!
JERRY: I don't think so. I like New York better.
GEORGE: I disagree with you. Seattle's not too bad, once you get to know it.
JERRY: So Kramer, what are you doing for your first show?
KRAMER: I'm dedicating this show to the three greatest friends in the world! (The others go "Aww!")
JERRY: Come on, group hug!
(Back at Frasier's apartment, Frasier's still steaming over Kramer's hiring at KACL.)
NILES: What seems to be the problem?
FRASIER: Can't you believe they hired that hack down at KACL? That station's in trouble now!
NILES: Now, Frasier, be reasonable. After all, this new guy you're talking about, his show doesn't start for a while. So who's the guy?
FRASIER: Tall guy, funny hair--
NILES: I know that man! It's Kramer, isn't it?
FRASIER: Who the hell is Kramer!?
NILES: The guy I met down at Nervosa. And quite frankly, I like the guy.
FRASIER: Dr. Van Nostrand was here the other night, talking to my father!
NILES: Oh, no!
MARTIN: Cut it out! I'm trying to watch the game.
FRASIER: Sorry, Dad.
(A shot of Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and George at the Mariners' game flashes on the TV screen.)
FRASIER, MARTIN and NILES: Oh, my God!
DAPHNE: What you watching?
NILES: A bad episode of "Seinfeld."
DAPHNE: "Seinfeld?" I know that man, and he's a disease!
FRASIER: They're all bad people!
NILES, MARTIN and DAPHNE: Frasier, shut your yap!
(Eddie stares at Frasier.)
FRASIER: (shoots cold look at Eddie) What are you looking at!? (Eddie whimpers as he hides his face.)
(Kramer's first show at KACL.)
KRAMER: Hello, and welcome to KACL radio. I'm Cosmo Kramer, and this show is brought to you by Kramerica Industries. I'm glad to be here. Let's get this show on the road! (hits switchboard) All right, Caller One, giddyup!
FRASIER: (on phone) Is that you, Kramer?
KRAMER: Why, yes it is. Look who we have on the phone. It's our very own Dr. Frasier Crane! So what's up, Doc?
FRASIER: Well, I got to say I love your show. Keep up the good work, and next time, don't ever say "I'm listening" again, because I'll go down there and slug the crap out of you!
KRAMER: You got nothing to worry about, buddy!
(Jerry prepares for a comedy act. George and Elaine tag along for support.)
ELAINE: Jerry, this could be your big break! Now go out there and show them you still got it!
GEORGE: Hey, Jerry, no matter what happens, we'll always be best friends. Go Mariners!
(He goes on stage, not knowing that Daphne and Niles are also at the club.)
JERRY: (to thunderous applause) Thank you. Thank you very much!
DAPHNE: (whispering) He's a bad, bad man!
NILES: Now, Daphne, I'm sure he's not that bad. This is my first time in a comedy club.
(Somewhere in the middle of Jerry's act, he starts talking about English people.)
JERRY: So what's the deal with English people? They drive on the left, they talk funny, and they go like this-- (does funny walk on stage)
NILES: Hey you, Jerry! Nobody talks about my wife that way!
JERRY: I see someone doesn't like my act.
GEORGE: Hey you, Niles! Nobody's talking about you! Now sit down!
NILES: You make me!
GEORGE: I will make you!
NILES: I don't see you making me--
GEORGE: Well, here's making you! (He lunges at Niles, knocking him to the floor. They get involved in a fistfight, and the crowd suddenly focuses its attention away from Jerry and onto George and Niles.)
NILES: Ow, ow, ow! Daphne?
DAPHNE: You stay away from my husband. (She punches George in the face so hard that his glasses get knocked off.) Take that!
NILES: (regains composure) Thanks, darling.
(Security guards appear at the scene of the fight.)
FIRST GUARD: So should we ban these guys from this club?
SECOND GUARD: Right. (turns to Daphne, Niles, Elaine and George) All right, get out of here, all of you, and don't come back!
(Jerry continues to do his monolgue, but the crowd boos him off the stage.)
JERRY: You know those people who were fighting? They're my friends.
MAN: Get off the stage, Seinfeld! You suck!
SECOND MAN: Yeah, and don't come back either! I can't believe I wasted my money on a lame show like this!
JERRY: What did you say? (He is bombarded by solid objects thrown at him.)
GUARD: Show's over, funnyman! Get out of here, and don't you come back, either!
GUARD: You and your friends are no longer welcome in this club!
(The four friends are back in the hotel, nursing their wounds.)
KRAMER: So what happened?
JERRY: We got into a fight at this club, and now we can't come back.
KRAMER: That's too bad. I think my own show did a lot better than yours.
(Jerry's cell phone rings. He picks it up.)
NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.
JERRY: Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN: Heard you bombed once again.
JERRY: Why? I just got back from my worst show ever!
NEWMAN: No wonder. Take a look! (Scene of fight replaying on TV in Newman's home) It's all over the 11 o'clock news!
JERRY: You did what!?
NEWMAN: Not my fault. Say goodbye to your standup act, because you won't be performing here, there or anywhere. You're going down, Seinfeld. Have a nice day. (laughs maniacally)
Seinfeld in Seattle, PART 2
With Kelsey Grammer, Jane Leeves, David Hyde Pierce, Peri Gilpin and John Mahoney
(This story is a continuation of Part One. Niles and Daphne have returned home after a fight at the comedy club where Jerry had put on his worst performance ever.)
NILES: I feel very sorry for that man.
DAPHNE: I thought you didn't like comedy.
NILES: It wasn't half bad. I actually enjoyed the experience, at least until he started making fun of English people.
DAPHNE: At least it's over now, Niles. Thank you for standing up for me.
NILES: Anything for the greatest wife in the world.
DAPHNE: Aww, Niles. (They hug)
(Back at KACL the next day)
BULLDOG: (like Newman greets Jerry) Hello, Frasier.
FRASIER: (like Jerry greets Newman) Hello, Bulldog.
BULLDOG: Heard about the fight last night. You didn't happen to be there, did you?
FRASIER: Of course not, Bulldog! But my brother Niles was.
BULLDOG: Good for him. You can't be the same stuck-up, opera-listening, wine-drinking schmuck forever, now can you?
FRASIER: (puts fist to Bulldog's face) You do that again, I'll kick your ass!
BULLDOG: Easy there, Doc. Your brother got into a fight already. Let's not make it worse than it is. Toodles. (barks loudly)
ROZ: Ten seconds, Frasier!
FRASIER: Oh, right. (He hurries into the booth and starts the show) Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, and before I get to your calls, I want to tell you about a tragedy that occurred last night. You see, it involved a rather famous stand-up comedian, whose name I shall not say on the air, and my brother Niles.
(Back at the hotel)
JERRY: He's not talking about me, is he!?
GEORGE: Take it easy, Jerry. I'm not exactly having a good day myself, either.
JERRY: What are you talking about?
GEORGE: The Mariners gave me a warning that if I get into a fight again, they'll fire me. And they're docking a week off my pay.
JERRY: That sucks, doesn't it?
ELAINE: I think I'll call that doctor and tell him my side of the story.
JERRY: I don't think he'd want anything to do with any of us after the fight.
ELAINE: You just watch, Jerry. Once I turn on the old Benes charm, he'll find me very hard to resist. (calls the Frasier Crane show)
(Back at KACL)
FRASIER: Roz, who's our next caller?
ROZ: We have an Elaine on Line Two.
FRASIER: Go ahead, Elaine. I'm listening.
ELAINE: Hello, Dr. Crane. I got into a fight last night.
FRASIER: It wouldn't happen to be at that comedy club, would it?
ELAINE: Uh, Dr. Crane--(thinks up a lie) Actually, I was at home with my boyfriend, watching the Comedy Showcase.
FRASIER: And what's his name?
ELAINE: David Puddy.
FRASIER: David Puddy?
ELAINE: Yes. And this time, it's over.
FRASIER: I'm sorry, Elaine, about your fight.
ELAINE: It's quite all right, because there's someone else.
ELAINE: I like my men tall, good-looking and psychic.
FRASIER: Oh, my.
(Later that day, at Cafe Nervosa)
JERRY: I have to apologize to everybody for the fight.
GEORGE: I can't stay. I'm going over to the Mariners' game tonight. They're playing the Yankees.
JERRY: The Yankees!?
GEORGE: That's right, the New York Yankees! I hear it's going to be a fun game.
ELAINE: I'm meeting someone here.
KRAMER: And I've got a show to do.
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne and Martin enter Nervosa)
NILES: Hello, strangers.
JERRY: Oh, no.
NILES: You got nothing to worry about. We forgive you for that scuffle down at the comedy club, and you're welcome to perform in Seattle anytime you wish.
JERRY: You really mean it?
NILES: I really do.
JERRY: Oh, thank you, Niles!
GEORGE: Here are your tickets for the Mariners game. (hands Martin the tickets)
MARTIN: For me? Oh jeez, I can't accept this.
GEORGE: Please take them. They're on the house.
MARTIN: I have no one to go to the game to.
KRAMER: I'd love to go.
JERRY: Hey, don't you have a show to do?
KRAMER: Oh, right. (clicks tongue at the group) Giddyup!
ELAINE: What about me? I'm available.
MARTIN: That's great! Thanks, George.
FRASIER: You're Elaine, aren't you?
ELAINE: You got me.
FRASIER: I know you from somewhere. You were at that fight, weren't you?
MARTIN: The less said about the fight, the better. Plus, she's with me now.
FRASIER: Oh, all right, I forgive you, Elaine, even though you lied to me! And Puddy sounds like a fake name!
NILES: Frasier, don't cause a scene.
FRASIER: Back off, Niles! (yells at Elaine as she leaves with Martin) You crazy woman! I know your type!
JERRY: Well, I hope you're happy now.
FRASIER: And who the hell are you!?
NILES: Now, now, Frasier. Leave that poor man alone. He doesn't need to take any more abuse. He's suffered enough.
JERRY: Thank you, Niles.
NILES: Tell you what. Why don't you let me set up an appointment for you. Here's my card.
JERRY: I don't have much time. I have to go back to New York real soon.
NILES: Or we can go back to my place now and do it there.
(At Mariners game)
ELAINE: So, Martin, you've been living with Frasier for ten years?
MARTIN: Yep. He may be a pain, but I love him as a son.
ELAINE: Is he married?
MARTIN: Divorced one time, left at the altar another. But he has an adorable son, Frederick.
ELAINE: Does Frederick live here?
MARTIN: Nope, in Boston.
ELAINE: Do you think he'd be interested in going out with me, breaking out of that slump?
MARTIN: Are you trying to get with Frasier?
MARTIN: Oh jeez!
ELAINE: I really like Frasier, and I think he'd be the perfect husband for me. I want to be the one to take him out of your hair.
MARTIN: Well, I don't know. Can we just watch the game, and we'll talk about you and Frasier later?
(George watches the game from a skybox. He waves at the crowd.)
ANNOUNCER: And now, batting for the Mariners, Number 51, Ichiro! (crowd cheers)
(Ichiro hits a home run, and the crowd cheers again)
GEORGE: Take that, Steinbrenner!
DEREK JETER: (looks up at George) Hey, isn't that Costanza?
SECOND YANKEES PLAYER: Who?
JETER: The bald man with the glasses.
BERNIE WILLIAMS: I remember him. Very crazy guy.
JETER: Hey you, Costanza.
GEORGE: Are you talking to me?
JETER: Remember us? You used to work for us?
GEORGE: Of course. How can I ever forget?
JETER: Well, you wrecked our precious 1996 world championship trophy! We'll never forgive you for that!
GEORGE: Oh no, not again.
JOE TORRE: What's going on up there? (glances at George)
GEORGE: Joe Torre?
TORRE: What the hell are you doing, working for the enemy?
GEORGE: I happen to like Seattle, so get over it. I don't work for you punks anymore!
TORRE: What did you say?
GEORGE: You heard me! I said I don't work for you punks anymore!
TORRE: Well, it's on! Show us what you got!
GEORGE: (nervous smile) Oh, hello. What can I do for you now?
OWNER: Nothing. Get out of here! I never want to see your face again!
GEORGE: Come on, you don't mean that!
OWNER: Yes, I do, too! Pack up your things, and don't ever come back here again!
GEORGE: This town sucks! (crowd boos)
(The next day, at Frasier's apartment)
FRASIER: (opens door) Hello?
ELAINE: I'm back. Martin told me all about you.
FRASIER: I actually gave this a lot of thought last night. I'm sure you're a nice person, but I really don't see you as wife material.
ELAINE: Frasier, give me a chance!
FRASIER: Well, I don't think--
MARTIN: You heard her, Frasier. Give the woman a chance.
FRASIER: Oh, all right, come on in. Sherry, Elaine?
ELAINE: Love some.
MARTIN: Think I'll go grab me a beer. (returns with a can of beer) Here's to the woman who will finally bring happiness to Frasier's life and get him out of mine!
ELAINE: Hear, hear! (she and Frasier clink their glasses against Martin's can)
FRASIER: Who is it this time?
GEORGE: We can't stay here. We have to go back to New Yo--What is this pleasant surprise?
FRASIER: I've decided to give Elaine here a chance.
JERRY: Oh my God! What brought you around to this?
FRASIER: Actually, my dad set this thing up.
JERRY: Oh, congratulations.
GEORGE: Exactly. Congratulations, Elaine. So aren't you coming back to New York with us?
ELAINE: Not now anyway. I think I'm beginning to fall in love with Frasier.
GEORGE: OK. Well, see ya, Elaine.
ELAINE: See ya, George.
JERRY: Take care. (closes door) Frasier and Elaine? Are you kidding me?
GEORGE: Crazy, isn't it? (they laugh)
(Kramer awaits in car)
KRAMER: Hey boys, I got some fantastic news.
GEORGE: What is it?
KRAMER: I just got an offer from WNBC in New York. They want me to do a syndicated talk show.
JERRY: The very same network that almost put "Jerry" into production!?
KRAMER: Giddyup! Where's Elaine?
JERRY: She's staying here.
GEORGE: Well, that's too bad.
JERRY: This could actually be good for her. Wait till we tell Puddy the news! (all three giggle)
(Back in New York)
JERRY: Hey. I see you miss this place.
KRAMER: More than anything in the world. What do you have in here? (walks to refrigerator)
JERRY: Do you have to do this every time?
KRAMER: Come on, Jerry, mi casa es su casa, huh?
JERRY: I guess so. But Kramer, when you do your TV show, I don't wanna know about it.
KRAMER: Oh, come on, Jerry. You're the first guest on my new show. What do you say to that?
JERRY: Oh, all right. But you better not screw this up!
KRAMER: You can count on me. I will never let you down.
JERRY: Good luck, Kramer.
(George is back at Yankee Stadium. He knocks on Steinbrenner's door.)
STEINBRENNER: Yes, come on in, George.
GEORGE: What do you want?
STEINBRENNER: I thought about the day I fired you. I feel kind of bad for letting you go like this. I couldn't get much sleep. The Yanks have lost a couple of World Series, too. George, I'd like to give you your job back.
GEORGE: And why is that?
STEINBRENNER: Well, George, because you helped us win a World Series, and you're our last hope. Welcome back!
GEORGE: Thank you, Mr. Steinbrenner! You won't regret this.
STEINBRENNER: (continues talking after George leaves) Of course, we still have the talent to work with here. We still got Jeter, Posada and Bernie Williams. The roster has undergone several dramatic changes since you last left us. We got that Japanese kid, can slug the hell out of that ball. We also got Jason Giambi, can also slug the crap out of that ball. But we lost Brosius, Knoblauch, Tino Martinez, Roger Clemens, and I don't think I can take another loss. They were all special players in the Yankee organization. Is it just me, or am I losing my mind here?