The Revenge of the Soup Nazi

A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz 2002

STAND UP

Opposites attract. That's what everyone says. It's a whole big deal.

People who have entirely different personalities somehow magically come together.

Without the aid of alcohol I might add. Personally I'm thinking No way. The biggest opposites in history.

Hitler and Mother Teresa. You think Hitler would call Mother Teresa on the phone:

'hi Teresa. Here on my lonesome in my bunker. thinking of you. What you wearing? No you hang up. No you hang up. No you hang up.'

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY IS IN THE BATHROOM SHAVING.

a LOUD KNOCKING ON HIS DOOR.

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, man. It's us. Open up.

CONTINUED LOUD BANGING.

JERRY: Alright. Alright

JERRY OPENS THE DOOR. KRAMER AND NEWMAN CHARGE IN.

JERRY: Oh hel-lo, Newman.

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: What's all the racket? I'm getting ready for my date with Renata.

NEWMAN: It's the Soup Nazi.

KRAMER: He's back in business.

JERRY: The Soup Nazi? I thought Elaine ran him out of town.

KRAMER: Well he's back. This is very important, Jerry. Elaine must never know.

NEWMAN: You must never breathe a word of this to Elaine.

GEORGE ARRIVES

GEORGE: What must Elaine never know?

KRAMER: The Soup Nazi's back.

GEORGE: Yeah? Is he still doing the crab bisque?

NEWMAN: Yes. And gazpacho. And turkey chilli. And - Jambalya!

JERRY: Ok ok. It's agreed. We keep it from Elaine.

GEORGE: How hard can it be?

THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

ELAINE: Elaine.

JERRY: Just behave normally.

JERRY OPENS THE DOOR. ELAINE ENTERS. THE GUYS ALL BECOME NERVOUS AND SELF CONSCIOUS.

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Hi.

NEWMAN: Hello Elaine.

KRAMER: Hey Elaine.

GEORGE: Elaine.

ELAINE: (SUSPICIOUS) You all ok?

JERRY: Fine.

GEORGE: Fine.

NEWMAN: Perfectly well, thank you.

KRAMER: Giddyup.

ELAINE: Ok, what's going on?

JERRY: Nothing.

GEORGE: Nothing's going on. What could possibly be going on.

ELAINE: Were you talking about me?

GEORGE: No!

JERRY: No one was talking about you.

ELAINE: Is it the hair? I'm using a new shampoo. Gimme a break. It needs time to settle.

JERRY: Not the hair.

GEORGE: No hair.

NEWMAN: Your hair is simply divine.

ELAINE PACES THE ROOM. LIKE A DETECTIVE.

ELAINE: Oh I get it.

KRAMER: You do?

ELAINE: You were looking at porn.

JERRY: No porn.

ELAINE: Because if you are, I'm cool with that.

GEORGE: Yeah?

ELAINE: Sure. I'm a woman of the world. I know what makes men tick.

JERRY: There's no porn here, Elaine. Nothing's going on.

ELAINE: (ROUNDS ON GEORGE)Out with it, Constanza. Spill. Where's the porn hidden?

GEORGE: No porn. I swear! I promised my mother.

ELAINE: Something's going on here. I can sense it. My 'Lainie sense is tingling.

JERRY: 'Lainie sense?

NEWMAN: (PANICS) OH I can't stand this pressure anymore. I can't stand it I tell you.

Air. Air. I've got to have air.

NEWMAN RUSHES OUT.

ELAINE: What's his problem?

KRAMER: He's a mailman.

JERRY: They all crack under the strain eventually.

ELAINE: (FLIRTS WITH KRAMER) You can tell me, Kramer.

Y'know I've always considered us to be more than friends...Why don't you whisper it in Lainie's ear.

We could do stuff together.

KRAMER STARTS TO GURGLE AND SHAKE. TYPICAL KRAMER REACTION.

JERRY: Enough already. I'll tell you.

GEORGE: No, Jerry. I beg you.

JERRY WINKS CONSPIRATORIALLY AT GEORGE UNSEEN BY ELAINE.

JERRY: It's Joe Davola. He's back in town.

ELAINE: (PUSHES KRAMER AWAY IN DISGUST) Joe Davola? Crazy Joe Davola. That lunatic.

That's bad. That's very bad.

JERRY: That's why we didn't want to tell you. Why don't you go home. Lie low for a few days.

ELAINE: Joe Davola. Crazy Joe Davola. Oh my God.

ELAINE LEAVES. JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER EXCHANGE HIGH FIVES.

INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. JERRY IS ON A FIRST DATE WITH RENATA, AN ATTRACTIVE BLONDE.

RENATA HAS BROUGHT HER FRIEND MARCY ALONG. THEY LOOK AND DRESS ALIKE.

RENATA: I hope you don't mind me bringing Marcy with me, Jerry.

She's my best friend in the whole wide world.

MARCY: And Renata is my best friend in the whole wide world. We're inseparable.

THE WOMEN LAUGH. IT'S OBVIOUS THEY'RE A BIT ODD.

JERRY: Not at all. More the merrier. Are you both from New Jersey?

RENATA: No. I'm from New Jersey. Marcy is from...

MARCY: ...Michigan. We met while we were at college in...

RENATA : ...Pennsylvania. We moved to New York...

MARCY: ...from Seattle at the same time.

JERRY: Quite the cosmopolitans.

RENATA: Yes, quite the...

MARCY: ...cosmopolitans.

THE WOMEN LAUGH. UNAWARE THEY END EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES. jERRY LOOKS ILL AT EASE.

WAITER ARRIVES

RENATA: I'll have the spaghetti bolognese.

MARCY: Me too.

JERRY: (SOTTO VOCE) No kidding.

RENATA: What did you say, Jerry?

JERRY: No chicken? I'm having the chicken.

RENATA: No chicken. It makes us...

MARCY: ...come out in hives!

RENATA AND MARCY DISOLVE INTO GIRLISH LAUGHTER. JERRY LOOKS RESIGNED TO A LONG EVENING.

EXT. DAY. STREET. ELAINE, WEARING A LONG OVERCOAT WITH THE COLLAR UP.

ALSO A LARGE HAT AND SUNGLASSES. SHE GLANCES ALL AROUND, AFRAID SHE'S BEING FOLLOWED.

SHE CROSSES THE STREET AND ENTERS MONKS COFFEE SHOP.

INT. DAY. COFFEE SHOP. JERRY AND GEORGE.

GEORGE: There were two of them? On a date. That's unprecedented in my experience. I'm lucky to get one.

JERRY: And they finished each other's sentences. Like they were siamese twins or something.

GEORGE: Perhaps they were twins.

JERRY: No. They just go everywhere and do everything together.

GEORGE: They do, eh? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: Jerry, this could be huge. The chance of a lifetime.

The God's may only smile upon you this once, my friend.

It is an opportunity mortal man can not, must not, resist.

JERRY: You don't mean...

GEORGE: Threesome.

JERRY: Threesome. The Unholy Grail of all relationships.

GEORGE: You have to reach forward and grab this sexual chalice, Jerry.

With both hands. Literally.

You owe it to all men everywhere who have seen two women together and dared to dream the impossible dream.

JERRY: But they're crazy.

GEORGE: They're flesh and blood, Jerry. You can't falter now.

ELAINE ENTERS. HAT, SUNGLASSES AND COAT COLLAR TURNED UP.SHE JOINS JERRY AND GEORGE.

JERRY: Well well, if it isn't the Scarlet Pimpernel.

GEORGE: Why the getup?

ELAINE: Haven't you heard? Crazy Joe Davola's in town.

JERRY: Oh him. Elaine, about that...

ELAINE: Ow! George, did you just kick me?

GEORGE: Sorry. I meant to kick Jerry.

ELAINE: Jerry? Why d'you want to kick anyone?

GEORGE: (FLUSTERED) Because...Because of his crazy talk about threesomes.

ELAINE: Threesomes?

JERRY: I'm dating this girl. She brings her friend along. They do everything together.

ELAINE: Oh boy. And you think they'll both hop into bed with you?

JERRY: We-ell.

ELAINE: I had no idea you were into threesomes, Jerry.

You should have said something when we were dating. I could have invited Tina over.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Your room-mate Tina?

ELAINE: Get out! (SHE PUSHES JERRY HARD IN THE CHEST) What kind of girl d'you think I am?

JERRY: I'm beginning to wonder.

EXT. DAY. STREET. KRAMER AND NEWMAN HAVE VISITED THE SOUP NAZI.

BOTH ARE LADEN DOWN WITH SOUP CARTONS.

KRAMER: Minestrone. Turkey chilli with radish.

NEWMAN: Wild mushroom.Gazpachcho. Jambalaya!

THEY SEE ELAINE COMING TOWARDS THEM.

KRAMER: It's Elaine. Don't let her see the soup.

NEWMAN: Calamity!

ELAINE: Hey, guys.

KRAMER AND NEWMAN HIDE THE SOUP CARTONS BEHIND THEIR BACKS.

ELAINE: What are you hiding?

KRAMER: Nothing.

ELAINE: It's something. Show me.

KRAMER: It's porn.

NEWMAN: Yes. Vile porn.

ELAINE: Ugh. I swear you guy's are going wear those things out one day.

KRAMER: Gotta run.

NEWMAN: Farewell, Elaine.

EXT. DAY. STREET. GEORGE SITS DOWN AT A SHOE-SHINE STALL. HE UNFOLDS A NEWSPAPER AND STARTS TO READ.

SHOE SHINE GUY: There you go, buddy. Five bucks.

GEORGE: What? I've only just sat down.

SS GUY: Now you can stand up. Five bucks.

GEORGE: Did you polish the instep? Very important the instep.

SS GUY: I polished the instep. Five bucks.

GEORGE: Did you buff? Because I don't remember any buffing. A distinct lack of buffing.

SS GUY: Hey, I buffed. I buffed real good.

GEORGE: I don't think you did, my friend. And is that a scuff mark?

SHOE SHINE GUY INSPECTS GEORGE'S SHOE.

SS GUY: That's a flaw in the leather. They're cheap shoes. You're a cheapskate who wears cheap shoes.

GEORGE: Hey! I got these from a garage sale. In a very good neighbourhood.

SS GUY: Five bucks, pal. Or I call the cops.

GEORGE: (HANDS OVER THE CASH) I still say you didn't buff.

SS GUY: Get lost.

GEORGE WALKS AWAY MUTTERING TO HIMSELF AND INSPECTING HIS SHOES.

HE WALKS STRAIGHT INTO CRAZY JOE DAVOLA.

JOE: Hey, watch it, buddy.

GEORGE: Sorry. I was - Crazy Joe Davola!

JOE: What did you say?

GEORGE: Joe Davola. Mr. Davola. Sir.

JOE: Costanza! I was hoping I'd run into one of you guys.

GEORGE: Oh God. Not the face. I beg you.

JOE: Do you know where I can find Elaine?

GEORGE: Elaine?

JOE: Elaine Benes.

GEORGE: Short girl. Face like a frying pan?

JOE: (MENACINGLY) She's the most beautiful woman in the world. Where can I find her?

GEORGE: I'm not sure I should divulge addresses.

JOE: Tell me or I put your head through the wall.

GEORGE: Petermans. 41st Street.

INT. DAY. PETERMANS OFFICE. J. PETERMAN SEATED BEHIND HIS DESK. HE IS ENJOYING A CARTON OF SOUP.

ELAINE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.

ELAINE: You wanted to see me, Mr Peterman?

PETERMAN: Ah yes, Elaine. Come in.

ELAINE SITS DOWN OPPOSITE PETERMAN.

ELAINE: Is that soup?

PETERMAN: Oh it is so much more than soup, Elaine. It is ambrosia.

ELAINE: It smells like mullagatawney.

PETERMAN: Ah dear innocent Elaine. DId I ever tell you about the time I travelled to the south of France?

ELAINE: (SIGHS.RESIGNED TO HEARING ANOTHER PETERMAN STORY)

PETERMAN: It was on the Cote d'Zur. I was writing my novel 'The Great Gatsby - The Sequel'. Ever read it?

ELAINE: No sir.

PETERMAN: I'm not surprised.

I didn't finish it owing to an urgent message from Prince Rainier of Monaco.

He needed my advice on choosing pyjamas.

ELAINE: Pyjamas?

PETERMAN: Pyjamas, Elaine. I told him 'your highness always go with silk, monogrammed of course'.

Ah halcyon days, Elaine.

Here, try this soup. It will give you some idea of the ambience.

ELAINE TASTES THE SOUP. SHE IS SUSPICIOUS.

ELAINE: Where did you get this?

PETERMAN: A swarthy fellow in the east village.

ELAINE: Did he have a mustache? Look a bit like Al Pacino?

PETERMAN: Al Pacino?

ELAINE: 'Scent of a Woman'. Hoo haa! Hoo haa!

PETERMAN: I believe there was some resemblance to a thespian of that description.

ELAINE: The Soup Nazi!

EXT. DAY. PETERMAN BUILDING. ELAINE DASHES OUT. CRAZY JOE DAVOLA GOES IN.

NEITHER NOTICES THE OTHER.

INT. DAY. PETERMAN BUILDING. CRAZY JOE DAVOLA CONFRONTS MR. PETERMAN.

JOE: Have you seen Elaine Benes?

PETERMAN: She's just left. Who are you?

JOE: Where did she go?

PETERMAN: To a place in the east village that serves the most divine soup in existence.

JOE: I know the place.

CRAZY JOE EXITS

INT. DAY. THE SOUP NAZI'S SHOP. HE IS BEHIND THE COUNTER LADLING SOUP.

ELAINE BURSTS IN.

ELAINE: You!

SOUP NAZI: You! No soup for you.

ELAINE: I closed you down once Soup Nazi. I can do it again.

SOUP NAZI: No soup for you.

ELAINE EXITS.

EXT. DAY. STREET OUTSIDE SOUP NAZI'S SHOP. ELAINE IS GRABBED FROM BEHIND BY CRAZY JOE DAVOLA.

ELAINE: Crazy Joe! Let go of me. Help! Somebody help!

ELAINE STRUGGLES TO BREAK FREE. ABRUPTLY JOE'S EYES ROLL BACK IN HIS HEAD.

HE COLLAPSES. BEHIND STANDS THE SOUP NAZI, HOLDING THE LADLE HE HAS USED TO HIT CRAZY JOE ON THE HEAD WITH.

ELAINE AND THE SOUP NAZI'S EYES MEET. THEY EMBRACE. KISSING PASSIONATELY.

INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. JERRY IS ON ANOTHER DATE WITH RENATA AND MARCY.

THEY ARE SEATED AT A TABLE, BEGINNING THEIR MEAL.

JERRY: How's the spaghetti bolognese?

RENATA: Delicious. Absolutely...

MARCY: ...delicious.

RENATA: I'm so glad you called Jerry . Most men find it odd that we...

MARCY: ...do everything together.

THEY GIGGLE. JERRY LEANS TOWARD THEM ACROSS THE TABLE.

JERRY: About that... I was wondering whether you, whether you both would ever consider -

CUTAWAY TO

INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. CAMERA PAN ACROSS DISCARDED CLOTHING ON THE CARPET.

INCLUDING THE SOUP NAZI'S CHEF HAT AND APRON.

INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT.A GLUM JERRY IS SEATED ALONE AT THE TABLE.

HE HAS HAD TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE TIPPED OVER HIS HEAD.

WAITER ARRIVES.

WAITER: Will the ladies be rejoining you, sir?

JERRY GIVES THE WAITER A DOLEFUL LOOK. SPAGHETTI DRIPS FROM HIS HAIR.

JERRY: I don't think so.

INT. DAY. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. BEDROOM. ELAINE IS LYING IN BED. SHE STRETCHES.

SHE SITS UP. SHE HAS PILLOW HAIR WHICH HALF OBSCURES HER FACE.

INT. DAY. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. KITCHEN. THE SOUP NAZI, FULLY DRESSED, IS MAKING BREAKFAST.

ELAINE ENTERS. SHE IS IN A DRESSING GOWN. HAIR MUSSED.

ELAINE: (FLIRTY) Hi-ii. What cha doing?

SOUP NAZI: Breakfast. What do you want?

ELAINE RAPS HER KNUCKLES ON THE TABLE. PUFFS OUT HER CHEEKS IN AN AGONY OF INDECISION.

THE SOUP NAZI LOOKS IRRITATED.

ELAINE: Toast.

SOUP NAZI: Toast.

ELAINE: No wait. Yoghurt.

SOUP NAZI: Yoghurt.

ELAINE: Stop. What am I thinking. Double crunch.

SOUP NAZI: Double crunch.

THE SOUP NAZI PUTS SOME DOUBLE CRUNCH IN A BOWL.

HE POURS ON A SMALL AMOUNT OF MILK.

ELAINE: Could you put more milk in.

SOUP NAZI: More milk.

HE POURS A TINY AMOUNT OF MILK.

ELAINE: Just a teeny weeny more milk.

SOUP NAZI: You know what?

ELAINE: What?

SOUP NAZI: No double crunch for you!

ELAINE: What?

SOUP NAZI: No double crunch for you!

ELAINE: It's my double crunch. This is my apartment. Get out!

THE SOUP NAZI GLARES AT ELAINE, GRABS HIS COAT AND LEAVES.

ELAINE: (SHOUTING AFTER HIM) And permanant five o'clock shadow ISN'T an attractive look on a man!

EXT. DAY. STREET. JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER STAND OUTSIDE THE SOUP NAZI'S SHOP, WHICH IS NOW BOARDED UP.

KRAMER: Hey, what happened?

JERRY: I heard someone called Public Sanitation and reported the place had rats.

GEORGE: Who would do such a lowdown, despicable thing?

JERRY: It was an anonymous tip off.

CRAZY JOE DAVOLA WALKS TOWARDS THEM. HE IS WEARING A SALVATION ARMY UNIFORM.

JOE: You gents like to contribute to a worthy cause?

KRAMER: Whoa! Joe Davola.

JOE: I know you? Only I got sandbagged on the head and my memory's shot to hell.

JERRY: (HASTILY) No, we don't know you.

KRAMER: Or you us.

GEORGE: So, you're collecting for charity now? (GEORGE SNIGGERS.)