"The Reclining Odalisque"

A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz.

INT. DAY. ART GALLERY. JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE WAIT FOR KEVIN,

ELAINE'S NEW ARTIST BOYFRIEND, TO HANG 'WOMAN IN ANGST',

HIS PAINTING OF ELAINE ON THE GALLERY WALL.

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE DRESSED SMARTLY IN SUITS.

ELAINE IS RESPLENDANT IN A GOWN, HAIR WORN UP IN A BUN.

GEORGE: I think this jacket has shrunk. I took it to the drycleaners last Thursday.

Now it's tight all over.

JERRY: You're discounting the weight gain theory so soon?

GEORGE: I feel all constricted here.

ELAINE: Will you shush. This is such an honour. A painting of me. Here.

JERRY: In an art gallery. Of all places.

ELAINE: Where's Kramer?

JERRY: He went to look at the sculptures.

KEVIN ARRIVES. HE HANGS THE PAINTING ON THE WALL

'WOMAN IN ANGST' IS A MESS OF SWIRLING COLOURS AND ODD DAUBS OF PAINT.

THERE IS NOTHING THAT RESEMBLES A HUMAN BEING.

KEVIN: Excellent! (KISSES ELAINE) Be right back. (LEAVES)

THE GANG STARE INTENTLY AT THE PAINTING.

JERRY: (SARCASTIC) He really captured your eyes.

GEORGE: Is it even the right way up?

ELAINE: It's not what I expected.

JERRY: He didn't let you see it?

ELAINE: Kevin's very secretive about his art.

JERRY: I can see why.

ELAINE: Jerry, he's an impressionist.

JERRY: Is that what they call people who can't draw?

ELAINE: All of Kevin's stuff is like this. I thought a portrait of me might at least be recognisable.

JERRY: (READS LABEL) 'Woman in Angst'. Why angst? What was there to be angst about?

ELAINE: Perhaps I had my period. If that's not angst I don't know what is.

KEVIN RETURNS.

KEVIN: What do you all think?

ELAINE: It's really something, Kevin.

GEORGE: Something.

JERRY: It's something alright.

KRAMER ARRIVES.

KRAMER: Hey George. Check out the statues. They're naked.

GEORGE: Yeah? (GEORGE LEAVES)

KRAMER: (SEEING THE PAINTING) Whoa! (HE STUDIES IT INTENTLY) You did good, buddy.

That's Elaine. To a Tee.

KEVIN: Thanks. (TO ELAINE) Just gonna check the lighting's right.

KEVIN LEAVES

JERRY: 'Elaine to a tee'. It's nothing but squiggles.

KRAMER: Oh I beg to differ.

FERRY: Since when are you a big art connoiseur?

KRAMER: Oh I know art. And this is art.

LAZLO LAZLO ARRIVES TO STARE INTENTLY AT THE PAINTING. HE IS A FAMOUS PAINTER.

KRAMER: Hey, you're Lazlo Lazlo.

ELAINE AND JERRY GLANCE AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG. NO IDEA WHO LAZLO LAZLO IS.

LAZLO: Charmed. (STARING AT PAINTING) 'Woman in Angst'. Yes. You can almost feel the angst.

This is a very powerful statement. (NOTICES ELAINE AND LIKES WHAT HE SEES. ) Hello.You are?

ELAINE: Elaine Benes. This is my boyfriend's painting.

KRAMER: She's the Woman in angst.

LAZLO: Oh yes. I see it now. You have an indefinable air.

ELAINE: I have an air? I didn't know I had an air.

LAZLO: Perhaps you'd like to pose for me sometime?

KRAMER: She'd love to.

LAZLO: Tomorrow. My studio. At ten.

KRAMER: Giddyup!

LAZLO LAZLO LEAVES.

JERRY: What'd you say that for? He could be a nut.

KRAMER: Jerry, it was Lazlo Lazlo. He's world famous.

ELAINE: An indefinable air.

CUTAWAY TO GEORGE, EXAMINING A BRONZE STATUE OF A NAKED FEMALE.

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN APPROACHES HIM.

WOMAN: It's an original Cardassio. From his Rodin period.

GEORGE: Cardassio, eh?

WOMAN: Are you a fan of Cardassio's work?

GEORGE: Huge, huge fan. Can't get enough Cardassio. Steeped in Cardassio.

WOMAN: Do you feel his later style of surrealism was ill advised?

GEORGE: Big mistake. He really screwed up on that one.

THE WOMAN DROPS HER CATOLOGUE

GEORGE: Allow me.

GEORGE BENDS TO PICK IT UP. AS HE DOES SO HIS JACKET RIPS UP THE BACK.

THE WOMAN FLOUNCES AWAY.

GEORGE: You want to talk about Cardassio over dinner?

INT. DAY. GEORGE'S OFFICE. GEORGE HAS HIS FEET UP ON THE DESK, EATING A TWINKY.

THE PHONE INTERCOM SOUNDS. IT'S HIS BOSS, MR ZIMMERMAN.

MR Z: Costanza! In my office. Right away.

GEORGE: (CHOKING ON HIS TWINKY) Yes sir, Mr Zimmerman.

CUTAWAY TO

INT. DAY. MR ZIMMERMAN'S OFFICE.

MR Z : Costanza, my chauffeur is ill with appendicitis. Damned inconsiderate of him.

I'm flying to Palm Springs for the weekend. I need you to drive me to the airport.

GEORGE: In the limousine? Yes sir. No problem.

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GEORGE.

GEORGE: You know what mr Zimmerman said to me at the airport, Jerry?

'Take the limo back to the lot. Pick me up here noon Monday.' You realise what that means?

JERRY: Park the limo in the lot. Pick him up noon Monday.

GEORGE: Jerry, this is George here. It means I get to keep the limo for the weekend.

JERRY: How literal of me.

GEORGE: Who's to know if it's parked in the lot or outside my building?

The chauffeur's half dead in hospital. And the limo's something else, Jerry.

Tv, mini bar, heated seats, even curtains for the windows. It's better than my apartment.

BUZZER SOUNDS

JERRY: Yeah?

ELAINE: Elaine.

JERRY: C'mon up. (TO GEORGE) So we won't be seeing much of you this weekend?

GEORGE: Unlikely. Who was it said a man's automobile is his castle?

JERRY: No one.

ELAINE ENTERS

ELAINE: Hi.

JERRY: Hi Elaine.

ELAINE: Got a call from that Lazlo Lazlo. The painting of me's finished. In the gallery downtown.

JERRY: We have to check it out.

ELAINE: Whatever.

GEORGE: You don't sound too keen.

ELAINE: It's Kevin. We had a big arguament over his art. Why can't he paint more realistic?

Nobody knows 'Woman in Angst' is me. It might as well be the Brooklyn Bridge.

JERRY: You never told us how the posing went.

ELAINE: What's to tell? I show up at Lazlo Lazlo's studio. I lie on this chaise longue.

GEORGE: What's a chaise longue?

JERRY: A couch with one armrest.

GEORGE: Who'd want a couch with one armrest?

ELAINE: I lie there four hours. Lazlo Lazlo doesn't say a word. Bored out my skull. Whole thing's a total bust.

GEORGE: I can give you a ride to the gallery. Got Mr Zimmerman's limousine.

ELAINE: How come?

GEORGE: That old George magic.

ELAINE: Oh boy. That'll end in tears.

INT. DAY. MANHATTAN ART GALLERY. JERRY AND ELAINE.

ELAINE: (CONSULTS CATOLOGUE) It's here somewhere. 'The Reclining Odalisque' by Lazlo Lazlo.

JERRY: Odalisque. Very fancy.

THEY SEE THE PAINTING. ELAINE IS PRONE ON A CHAISE LONGUE. SHE IS NUDE.

ELAINE: Omigod!

JERRY: Boutros Boutros Ghalli!

ELAINE: But I didn't...I wasn't...Jerry, I was fully clothed at all times.

JERRY: Then Lazlo Lazlo has a vivid imagination. Wait a sec. Those don't look like your...

ELAINE: No, they don't.

JERRY: And if memory serves that's not your...

ELAINE: It's my head on someone else's naked body! But the only people who'll know that are those I've been intimate with.

JERRY: That's a sizable percentage of NYC.

ELAINE: But suppose my building super comes in here. Or George.

JERRY: The only way George is coming in here is if you offer him free food.

ELAINE: I'm taking it down.

ELAINES ATTEMPTS TO UNHOOK PAINTING. AN ALARM SOUNDS.

A SECURITY GUARD COME RUNNING.

GUARD: What's going on?

JERRY: My friend here fell asleep suddenly. She suffers from severe narcolepsy. She caught it as a child watching reruns of 'I Love Lucy'.

ELAINE MIMES FALLING ASLEEP.

GUARD: Don' t touch the exhibits.

GUARD LEAVES

ELAINE: That Lazlo Lazlo! Why can't he paint more like Kevin.

JERRY: I thought you wanted Kevin to paint more like Lazlo Lazlo?

ELAINE: Jerry, I'm naked on a wall in lower Manhattan. Could you be more helpful.

SUE ELLEN MISHKE ARRIVES. BRALESS, AS ALWAYS.

SUE ELLEN: Elaine. Jerry. Fancy seeing you here.

JERRY: Sue Ellen. You know me. Big patron of the arts.

SUE ELLEN: Yes, I like to give this gallery my support.

JERRY: I can tell you're big on support.

SUE ELLEN: (EXAMINES PAINTING) Why Elaine. I didn't know you had it in you.

SUE ELLEN LEAVES. ELAINE DRAWS HER COAT TIGHT TO HER CHIN.

J. PETERMAN ARRIVES.

PETERMAN: Elaine! Have you come to see the new Lazlo Lazlo? I hear it's quite a crowd pleaser.

(EXAMINES PAINTING) Oh my. I had no idea, Elaine. Bravo.

ELAINE: Mr Peterman, it's not me.

PETERMAN: Now now, Elaine. No need for bashful. Lazlo Lazlo has a fine eye for beauty.

ELAINE: You want proof? Here you go.

ELAINE STARTS TO TAKE OFF HER COAT. JERRY GRABS HER AND HUSTLES HER AWAY.

INT. DAY. LIMOUSINE. GEORGE IS WATCHING FOOTBALL ON THE TV WHILE EATING PASTRAMI ON RYE. VERY MESSILY.

INT. DAY. LAZLO LAZLO'S STUDIO. ELAINE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.LAZLO LAZLO ANSWERS.

ELAINE: Hi. Mr Lazlo. Do you remember me? Elaine Benes.

LAZLO LAZLO: Benes? Ah yes. The 'Reclining Odalisque'.

ELAINE: Ye-ah. You put my head on someone else's naked body.

LL: I may have used artistic licence.

ELAINE: I didn't actually ask you to use artistic licence. You might say your artistic licence was unlicensed. Ha ha.

LL: What is it you want?

ELAINE: I want you to remove the painting.

LL: Remove it?

ELAINE: And burn it.

LL: Goodbye. (SLAMS DOOR)

ELAINE: So that's settled then? Mr Lazlo?

EXT. NIGHT. LIMOUSINE. GEORGE, IN PYJAMAS, IS CLOSING THE CURTAINS AND PREPARING FOR BED, WHICH HE HAS SET UP IN THE BACK SEATS.

INT. ART GALLERY. RECEPTION. ELAINE APPROACHES DESK.

ELAINE: Hi. I'd like to buy the Lazlo Lazlo.

RECEPTIONIST: (CONSULTS LIST) Ah, 'THe Reclining Odalisque'. That's priced at ten thousand dollars.

ELAINE: Ten thousand bucks!

REP: I'm sorry. There's been a mistake.

ELAINE: I should say so.

REP: The painting is already sold.

ELAINE: Sold? Who bought it?

REP: A J. Peterman.

EXT. DAY. LIMOUSINE. GEORGE IS SHAVING, USING THE REAR VIEW MIRROR.

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY, KRAMER AND ELAINE. KRAMER IS FIXING A SNACK FROM JERRY'S FRIDGE.

JERRY: Peterman bought the painting? What's he want with it?

KRAMER: Investment, Jerry. My friend Bob Saccamento bought a genuine imitation Picasso for fifty bucks. Sold it on for a hundred. Fifty bucks profit. Fssst! Just like that.

JERRY: A genuine imitation, huh.

ELAINE: Can't you see what will happen? Peterman will hang it on his office wall. Everyone who works there will be able to check me out any time they want. It'll be worse than Kramer's Christmas card fiasco when they called me nip.

JERRY AND KRAMER BOTH LAUGH.

ELAINE: It's not funny. You've got to help me stop it.

KRAMER: What can we do?

ELAINE: You can deface the painting. That way Peterman will never want it .

JERRY: Deface? What, like vandalise it?

ELAINE: Yeah. You could throw paint at it.

JERRY: I think not.

KRAMER: Count me in.

JERRY: Count you in? What are you nuts?

KRAMER: Jerry, Elaine is a friend. And a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Hmm, this cheese is delicious.

JERRY: Like I don't have enough friend's in need.

ELAINE: Please, Jerry. Please.

JERRY: What's wrong with you throwing the paint?

ELAINE: I'd be the prime suspect. I'll buy the paint.

JERRY: Alright! But you owe me bigtime.

EXT. DAY. LIMOUSINE. GEORGE IS READING A NEWSPAPER. A CUP OF COFFEE STANDS ON THE DASHBOARD. AS GEORGE TURNS THE PAGES IT TOPPLES OVER. THE SPILLED COFFEE SEEPS INTO THE FASCIA.

INT. DAY. ART GALLERY. JERRY, KRAMER AND ELAINE. A SECURITY GUARD STANDS NEXT TO 'THE RECLINING ODALISQUE'.

JERRY: What now? If we try anything that guard will arrest us.

ELAINE: I'll distract him. You get ready to throw the paint. And make sure you get all of me. I don't want to see so much as a bare toe.

ELAINE DOES A SEXY SLOW WALK OVER TO THE GUARD.

ELAINE: Hi. Checked out the painting? That's me. 'The Reclining Odalisque'.

Hot stuff, huh? Yup, that's pretty much a normal day at the Benes house.

Reclining. Naked. Na-ked.

NO RESPONSE FROM THE GUARD.

ELAINE: I have virtually no laundry to do because I'm always so naked.

Just one big nudeorama.

STILL NO RESPONSE.

ELAINE: You're gay, are'nt you?

GUARD NODS.

ELAINE: Ooo-kay.

ELAINE REJOINS JERRY AND KRAMER.

JERRY: Why is he still there?

ELAINE: He's gay. My superpowers are useless.

JERRY: Let's go home.

ELAINE: No Jerry, please.

KRAMER: I've got an idea.

JERRY: You? Oh this is getting better and better.

KRAMER: Get ready to throw the paint. (KRAMER LEAVES)

ELAINE: (LOOKING AT THE PAINTING) Y'know, I think my nipples follow you around the room. Spooky.

JERRY: That guard's giving me funny looks.

ELAINE: Relax. He probably wants to date you.

A NAKED KRAMER DASHES ACROSS THE ROOM. HE IS STREAKING.

WOMEN SCREAM. THE GUARD TAKES OFF AFTER KRAMER.

ELAINE: Now Jerry. Do it now.

IN SLO MO JERRY APPROACHES THE PAINTING. HE SHUTS HIS EYES AND THROWS THE PAINT.

EXT. DAY. LIMOUSINE. GEORGE IS ATTEMPTING TO START THE ENGINE. IT WON'T START.

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND ELAINE.

JERRY: Why do I have to ring the gallery for? You saw the painting.

It was totally ruined.

ELAINE: We have to allay suspicion. Tell them it was a subversive act.

JERRY: (ON THE PHONE) Hello? Yes. I'd like to claim responsibility

for vandalising the Lazlo Lazlo painting. Yes, I'll hold.

(PAUSE) Why did I do it? Bcause it was offensive to women.

Especially naked ones. If I want to see naked women I buy a magazine.

Which are also offensive to women which is why I never buy them. Good day.

(HANGS UP)

JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE HIGH FIVES.

EXT. DAY. LMOUSINE. A TOW TRUCK HAS ARRIVED. A MECHANIC EXAmINES THE ENGINE.

MECHANIC: The electric's are shot. Some idiot's spilt coffee in here. You do that?

GEORGE: Is blame really the issue? What's important is I drive to the airport

to pick up my boss. He's due back from Palm Springs in twenty minutes.

MECHANIC: Not in this you're not. Best I can do is tow you to the service bay.

GEORGE: Mr Zimmerman!

INT. DAY. KEVIN'S APARTMENT. KEVIN AND ELAINE.

KEVIN IS SEATED AT AN EASEL PAINTING. IT'S A MESS OF SQUIGGLES AND DAUBS OF PAINT.

ELAINE STANDS BEHIND HIM, LOOKING AT THE PICTURE.

ELAINE: I get it. That's the head and that the feet, right?

KEVIN: It's a bowl of fruit.

ELAINE: Kevin, how much did you sell 'Woman in Angst' for?

KEVIN: A hundred dollars.

ELAINE: It took you how long to paint?

KEVIN: Three weeks.

ELAINE: A hundred bucks for three weeks work. Minimum wage pays better.

KEVIN: It's not about money, Elaine. Van Gogh never sold a painting in his lifetime.

Ninety years on his art sells for millions.

ELAINE: We're over, Kevin. Goodbye.

KEVIN: You're breaking up with me because I'm an impoverished artist?

ELAINE: (AT THE DOOR) I can't wait ninety years for you to become poverished.

ELAINE EXITS.

EXT. DAY. AIRPORT. GEORGE ARRIVES TO PICK UP MR ZIMMERMAN.

HE IS BEHIND THE WHEEL OF THE LIMOUSINE WHICH IS ON A FLATBED TOW TRUCK.

MR ZIMMERMAN: Costanza, what's going on here?

GEORGE: Noon, Monday, sir. Picking you up just like you ordered.

MR Z: Why is my limousine on a tow truck?

GEORGE: How was Palm Springs, sir? Was the weather fine?

MR Z: What have you done, Costanza?

GEORGE: How was the golf? Did you play any golf?

MR Z: Why is there pastrami stuck to the seat? Is this a can of shaving foam?

GEORGE: All very good questions. Yes sir, Mr Zimmerman. Excellent questions.

MR Z: Costanza, you're fired.

GEORGE: On the way could you drop me off at my apartment?

INT. NIGHT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT.

NEWMAN HAS GOT HOLD OF 'THE RECLINING ODALISQUE'. IT IS ON AN EASEL.

NEWMAN IS SLOWLY BUT SURELY REMOVING JERRY'S DAMAGE USING PAINT STRIPPER ON COTTON BUDS.

HE HAS UNCOVERED ELAINE'S BARE FEET AND LEGS.

NEWMAN STANDS BACK TO ADMIRE HIS PROGRESS.

NEWMAN: Excellent. Excellent. Things are starting to get...interesting!

NEWMAN CACKLES WILDLY WITH LAUGHTER.

THE END