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The Psychic Buddy

THE PSYCHIC BUDDY

 

ACT ONE

 

(GEORGE AND JERRY WALKING DOWN JERRY'S HALLWAY TOWARDS JERRY'S DOOR. NEWMAN COMES OUT OF KRAMER'S APARTMENT, SNEERING )

 

NEWMAN (YELLING ANGRILY AT KRAMER)

 

I thought we were friends!

 

(KRAMER'S DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

 

JERRY (SNEERING):

 

Newman

 

NEWMAN (IN A HUFF):

 

Out of my way Jerry.

 

(NEWMAN PUSHES JERRY OUT OF THE WAY AND HUSTLES AWAY)

 

(JERRY UNLOCKS THE APARTMENT AND JERRY AND GEORGE GO IN)

 

JERRY

 

What's with Newman? He was even more obnoxious than usual.

 

GEORGE

 

Imagine that, a disgruntled postal employee.

 

JERRY (THINKING FOR A SECOND)

 

If disgruntled means unhappy, does gruntled mean happy?

 

GEORGE

 

No, definitely not.

 

JERRY

 

Think about it, you could say "Have a Merry Christmas and a gruntled New Year" or "Gruntled Birthday to you!"

 

(GEORGE LOOKS AT HIM LIKE HE'S LOST HIS MIND)

 

(KRAMER BURSTS IN)

 

JERRY

 

Kramer, is gruntled a word?

 

KRAMER (GRINNING WITH ARM/HAND GESTURE)

 

Oh, I'm gruntled!

 

JERRY

 

What's up with Newman?

 

KRAMER

 

He's just mad because I won't let him in the commercial. He can't act!

 

JERRY

 

Commercial? What commercial?

 

KRAMER

 

I'm watching this psychic network show the other night and they claimed to be right forty percent of the time. So I got the idea for this.

 

(KRAMER REACHES INTO POCKET, PULLS OUT A COIN AND TOSSES IT TO JERRY.)

 

JERRY

 

What is it?

 

KRAMER

 

It's the Psychic Buddy.

 

JERRY

 

A half-dollar with "yes" on one side and "no" on the other?

 

KRAMER

 

Yeah, I've got them beat, it's right fifty percent of the time. Need an answer? Just flip it.

 

JERRY (GESTURING WITH THE COIN)

 

You know, half the time, this thing's a hundred percent right.

 

(KRAMER'S "BLOWN AWAY" LOOK)

 

KRAMER (POINTING AT THE COIN)

 

Yeah!

 

JERRY

 

Why would anybody buy this? I mean, reach into your pocket, pull out a coin.It's called heads or tails???

 

KRAMER

 

You don't understand, Jerry. I get these blessed by a Shaman high priest. That gives them their psychic energy. They're loaded with psychic energy. I'm telling you Jerry, people are gonna eat these up. You wait and see.

 

ACT 2

 

(SHOT OF OUTSIDE OF MONK'S) (GEORGE AND JERRY WALK INTO MONK'S. KRAMER IS PAYING HIS BILL)

 

KRAMER

 

Hey! Gotta go. We're shooting the commercial this afternoon.

 

JERRY

 

What commercial? Oh that's right, the Psychic Buddy thing. How's that going?

 

KRAMER

 

We gotta finish it today. They're putting it on Thursday night. Yeah, it's gonna be on during that Sandra Bullock movie, "While You were Sleeping with the Enemy".

 

JERRY

 

I think that's...never mind. How'd you get it on so fast?

 

KRAMER

 

Connections, Jerry. Connections.

 

(KRAMER POINTS AT JERRY AND SNAPS HIS FINGERS. KRAMER LEAVES, GEORGE AND JERRY SIT DOWN)

 

JERRY

 

So, I don't know whether to go out with Tiffany or Karen on Friday.

 

GEORGE

 

Yeah, that's a tough one. You're trying to decide between two beautiful women, I'm trying to decide between Glamour and Cosmopolitan. (Pause) Maybe you should use the Psychic Buddy.

 

JERRY

 

Maybe I will!

 

GEORGE (GESTURING IN WITH HIS HANDS)

 

All right, let me have the details.

 

JERRY

 

Well, Tiffany's like, like a Porsche. She's beautiful. You just take her out on weekends. High maintenance and you better have some money if you're going to keep her very long.

 

GEORGE

 

Karen?

 

JERRY

 

Karen. Karen is a Volkswagen.

 

GEORGE

 

A Volkswagen?

 

JERRY

 

Well, a really nice Volkswagen. You know, solid, dependable, reliable but nothing really exotic.

 

GEORGE

 

Don't most Volkswagens have a lot of miles on them?

 

JERRY

 

High mileage is not necessarily a bad thing. This car's been around and knows the terrain. You're pretty sure you'll always get where you want to go.

 

GEORGE

 

If it were me, I'd take the Porsche. I have absolutely nothing exotic in my life. In fact even a Volkswagen would be an improvement. Not that I'm ever gonna be faced with this decision.

 

JERRY

 

Then there's Camille.

 

GEORGE

 

Camille!? I thought we were only dealing with two women here.

 

JERRY

 

I met her at that club on 82nd. A college girl. She's like a brand new model still sitting on the lot. A real unknown. Beautiful to look at, but zero miles and you can only guess at what she'll do.

 

GEORGE (SHAKING HEAD)

 

How do you meet these women?

 

JERRY

 

That's the weird thing. I'm at this party the other night and I see this gorgeous woman across the room. I can't help it, I start walking towards her. And I'm thinking "what am I going to say?". Then I get to her and I just blurted it out. Next thing I know, we're talking and laughing and we might be going out Friday. It worked on Karen and Camille too!

 

GEORGE

 

You're 3 for 3 with this line?

 

JERRY

 

Yep. Batting a thousand my friend.

 

GEORGE

 

All right! What's the line?

 

JERRY

 

Can't tell you.

 

GEORGE

 

What do mean you can't tell me.

 

JERRY

 

You don't understand George. It's like the "What's your sign?" line or "Come here often?". Some guy started it and at first it was great. Women loved it! Then he told a friend and well, look what happened there. This is gold, baby. I'm keeping it!

 

GEORGE (GETTING VERY UPSET)

 

You've got a line that works and you're not going to tell me? I need a line Jerry! I'm not sure we can be friends anymore.

 

JERRY

 

All right, all right. Get a hold of yourself man! I'll tell you, but you can't say it exactly like I did. OK?

 

GEORGE

 

All right. What is it.

 

JERRY (LOOKING BACK AND FORTH TO MAKE SURE NOBODY'S LISTENING. HE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS TO GEORGE)

 

Would you mind if I just stand here and flirt with you a few minutes.

 

GEORGE

 

No. Really.

 

(JERRY SPREADS ARMS OUT AND LOOKS AT GEORGE)

 

GEORGE

 

The truth? You actually told her the truth? I can't believe I didn't think of that.

 

JERRY

 

Somehow I can't picture you, a woman and the truth in the same room.

 

(A GIRL WALKS UP TO THE TABLE)

 

SHERRY

 

George?

 

GEORGE

 

Sherry! How've you been?

 

SHERRY

 

Great! You?

 

GEORGE

 

Oh, just great.

 

SHERRY

 

Look, I've got to run. Give me a call sometime, I'm gruntled to see you!

 

GEORGE LOOKING PUZZLED

 

Yeah (SHAKES HIS HEAD)

 

(ELAINE COMES IN, THROWS SOME PAPERS ONTO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN. SHE'S VERY UPSET)

 

JERRY

 

What's up?

 

ELAINE

 

Peterman got an offer to sell out. He wants me to put together a presentation on why he shouldn't sell. I've got to have it by Friday, Jerry! I can't go to the movie tonight.

 

JERRY

 

You can't go to the movie!? We planned this days ago!

 

ELAINE (SADLY)

 

I know, but what can I do?

 

CUT TO:

 

(SHOT OF STADIUM) (GEORGE STICKS HIS HEAD IN STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE.)

 

GEORGE

 

You wanted to see me Mr. Steinbrenner?

 

STEINBRENNER

 

Come on in George. You know George, we won it all before and I think we can win it all again this year. But to do that we've got to have the support of the players and the fans. Since winning the series our boys have been covered up with fan mail.

 

GEORGE (GRINNING AND NODDING)

 

Yes, I've seen those stacks of mail. Big stacks, lots of mail.

 

STEINBRENNER

 

Now I want every bit of this mail answered so we keep the support of the people.

 

GEORGE

 

Absolutely. Gotta keep the masses happy.

 

STEINBRENNER

 

But the players can't answer all that mail. They're on the road or practicing all the time. That's why I want you to handle this, George. See to it that all of that mail gets a personal answer.

 

GEORGE

 

I'll see if I can hire a temp to come in and.

 

STEINBRENNER INTERRUPTS

 

No George! This is too important to leave to someone else. I want you to handle this personally. (GEORGE'S SQUINTS HIS EYES AND SAYS "WHAT?!", STEINBRENNER STILL DRONING IN THE BACKGROUND.) George, we've got to keep the fans and the players gruntled if we hope to repeat that success. We've got a lot of work to do but I think... I'm counting on you George... You know I was really gruntled after that 7th game. As gruntled as I've ever been..

 

(GEORGE RISES AND STARTS BACKING TO THE DOOR WHILE STEINBRENNER IS STILL TALKING USING THE WORD GRUNTLED OFF AND ON.)

 

GEORGE (MUMBLING TO HIMSELF)

 

Gruntled. It's not a word, I swear it's not a word.

 

(GEORGE SMILING AND NODDING BACKS OUT THE DOOR WHILE STEINBRENNER IS STILL TALKING)

 

CUT TO:

 

(JERRY AND KAREN IN JERRY'S APARTMENT)

 

JERRY

 

I'll be right back. In case you're wondering, I don't have any cookies, so don't bother looking.

 

KAREN (SMILING)

 

Cake?

 

JERRY

 

No pastries what-so-ever.

 

(JERRY GOES TO RESTROOM, KRAMER BURSTS IN)

 

KRAMER

 

Hi. I'm uh Cosmo

 

KAREN

 

I'm Karen

 

KRAMER (SMILES AND POINTS AT KAREN)

 

Karen, yeah! Volkswagen girl!

 

KAREN

 

What?

 

KRAMER

 

Yeah, George was telling me, you're like a Volkswagen. Dependable, reliable. You know, Jerry picked you over a Porsche.

 

(JERRY COMES OUT OF THE RESTROOM)

 

KAREN TO JERRY

 

So, I'm a Volkswagen

 

JERRY (ANGRY LOOK AT KRAMER)

 

Uh, frankly I don't know what you're talking about.

 

(KAREN GATHERS HER THINGS)

 

JERRY

 

Wait! Where are you going???

 

KAREN (STOPS AT DOOR)

 

Someplace where you'll be far-from-noogin!

 

(KAREN WALKS OUT)

 

JERRY (WATCHING HER WALK DOWN THE HALL)

 

Far-from-noogin, that's a good one. (CLOSES DOOR AND TURNS ON KRAMER) Kramer, you stupid idiot, why did you say anything???

 

KRAMER (CONFUSED)

 

I like Volkswagens..

 

(SHOT OF MAIL PEOPLE BRINGING IN BAGS OF MAIL TO GEORGE'S OFFICE AND DUMPING THEM ON THE FLOOR. GEORGE IS GETTING DISGRUNTLED. GEORGE SIGNS ANOTHER LETTER AND HIS PEN RUNS OUT OF INK. HE ANGRILY THROWS IT INTO A TRASH CAN WITH MANY EMPTY PENS)

 

(CUT TO GEORGE WALKING INTO THE SUPPLY ROOM. THERE IS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL THERE. GEORGE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AND WALKS OVER TO HER)

 

GEORGE

 

Would you mind if I just stood here and complimented the way you look?

 

(THE GIRL LOOKS AT HIM LIKE HE'S LOST HIS MIND. THE GIRL WALKS AWAY AND GEORGE SHAKES HIS HEAD.)

 

ACT 3

 

(ELAINE AND JERRY ARE IN HIS APARTMENT, ELAINE IS AT JERRY'S TABLE TRYING TO WORK. KRAMER BURSTS IN AND GRABS THE REMOTE)

 

KRAMER (EXCITED)

 

I'm out there now, Jerry!

 

JERRY

 

What?

 

KRAMER

 

The commercial. It's on next.

 

JERRY (SMILING)

 

Are you kidding? They're actually playing it?

 

KRAMER

 

Oh, they're playing it.

 

(EVERYONE LOOKS AT THE TV)

 

THE COMMERCIAL

 

(CHEERFUL MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND)

 

(KRAMER'S IN A VOTING BOOTH LOOKING PUZZLED, STARING AT "REPUBLICAN" AND "DEMOCRAT")

 

KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND

 

Need help making those tough decisions?

 

CUT TO:

 

(KRAMER ON A CAR LOT TRYING TO DECIDE BETWEEN A PORSCHE AND A VOLKSWAGEN)

 

KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND

 

You can't call the Psychic Hotline every time you need help.

 

CUT TO:

 

(KRAMER IN A HOSPITAL ROOM STANDING BESIDE AN OLD LADY'S BED HOLDING AN ELECTRICAL CORD LOOKING PUZZLED.)

 

KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND

 

That's why I invented the Psychic Buddy!

 

(KRAMER PULLS THE PSYCHIC BUDDY OUT OF HIS POCKET, SMILES AND LOOKS AT THE OLD LADY.)

 

KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND

 

When you need an answer fast, just flip your Psychic Buddy.

 

CUT TO:

 

(KRAMER STANDING BESIDE A HALF FULL PIE-CHART.)

 

KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND

 

I guarantee it to be right fifty percent of the time. Half the time it's one hundred percent right!

 

(KRAMER KNOCKS OVER THE CHARTS TRYING TO SHOW THE FULL PIE.)

 

CUT TO:

 

(KRAMER TRYING TO STUFF A OUIJA BOARD IN HIS PANTS.)

 

KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND

 

Oh, you've tried other methods but they're just too bulky. With the Psychic Buddy, the answer's always in your pants!

 

CUT TO:

 

(KRAMER STANDING AT THE ALTAR BESIDE THE BRIDE, REACHING INTO HIS PANTS POCKET)

 

KRAMER'S VOICE IN BACKGROUND

 

Each one blessed by a Shaman high priest so you know it's packed with psychic energy.

 

CUT TO:

 

KRAMER LOOKING AT THE CAMERA

 

Now, you're trying to decide whether to call and order or not. (LIFTING UP COIN INTO VIEW - ZOOM IN) If you had the Psychic Buddy, you'd know!

 

(KRAMER FLIPS THE PSYCHIC BUDDY. SLOW MOTION CLOSE-UP AS IT FALLS AND LANDS ON "YES". TWO PHONE NUMBERS ARE SHOWN ON THE SCREEN.)

 

KRAMER

 

Call now, operators are standing by!

 

END OF COMMERCIAL

 

JERRY

 

Wait a second, one of those was my phone number!!!

 

KRAMER

 

Yeah, do me a solid, buddy. I'll cut you in.

 

JERRY

 

Why didn't you use an eight hundred service?

 

KRAMER

 

Overhead, Jerry. Overhead. That's the beauty of this.

 

ELAINE (GATHERS UP BRIEF CASE, CHARTS, ETC.)

 

Well, I'm going to the office, I can't get any work done here. You boys have fun with your little Psychic Buddies.

 

JERRY

 

Yeah, yeah.

 

(ELAINE LEAVES)

 

KRAMER

 

Hey, I think I hear my phone ringing!

 

(RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM)

 

JERRY (PACING AND LOOKING WORRIED)

 

Think Jerry, think. Wait a second, no one's gonna see it. (ARMS OUTSTRETCHED) And even if they did, (LAUGHING) I mean, who would be stupid enough...

 

(JERRY'S PHONE RINGS)

 

JERRY

 

Nah

 

JERRY ANSWERS PHONE

 

Hello, (PAUSE) no you have the wrong number, try the other one (PAUSE) well it can't be busy forever.

 

KRAMER ANSWERING HIS PHONE

 

Psychic Buddy Hotline, we knew you'd call. (SMILING) Yeah, yeah. How many you want? (WRITING ON NOTEBOOK)

 

CUT TO:

 

(ELAINE IN A CAB OUTSIDE HER OFFICE LOOKING FOR HER PURSE)

 

Indian cab driver: That will be thirteen fifty, please.

 

ELAINE

 

My purse, I left it at Jerry's! Look, I can pay you tomorrow, I just really need to get to my office now.

 

INDIAN CAB DRIVER

 

What if I would have said "I can take you there tomorrow"? Then the shoe would be on the other hand.

 

ELAINE

 

Huh? (PAUSE) Look, just take me back to where I was.

 

Indian cab driver: I don't think so. I've seen that program before. You go back to where you were and I never see you again.

 

ELAINE

 

No, no. (PAUSE) Look. Just take me to a pay phone then.

 

CUT TO:

 

JERRY (ANSWERING THE PHONE)

 

What?!?!? (PAUSE) You don't need one! Just flip a coin! (PAUSE) We lied, there's no priest involved! (PAUSE) It's not about money! I don't care if you'll pay twice as much (PAUSE) Twice as much? (SHAKING HEAD) Would you pay three times as much? (PAUSE)

 

(JERRY STRETCHES OUT HIS ARMS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF)

 

CUT TO:

 

ELAINE (AT PHONE BOOTH)

 

Come on Jerry! It can't be busy all night. (BUSY SIGNAL)

 

CUT TO:

 

(KRAMER ON PHONE)

 

ELAINE (GETTING FRUSTRATED)

 

Kramer!

 

CUT TO:

 

(ELAINE DIALING - PHONE RINGS AND RINGS AND RINGS)

 

ELAINE

 

George, where are you!?

 

CUT TO:

 

(GEORGE ASLEEP ON HIS DESK AT WORK) George!

 

CUT TO:

 

(TIFFANY AND FRIEND IN BAR.)

 

FRIEND

 

Where you going, Tiffany?

 

TIFFANY

 

I almost forgot. I'm not sure if Jerry and I are going out tomorrow. I gotta call him.

 

CUT TO:

 

(JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY ANSWERS PHONE.)

 

JERRY

 

No this isn't the Psychic Buddy hotline, it's the institute and you were expected back in your cell a half hour ago.

 

CUT TO:

 

(TIFFANY GETTING BUSY SIGNAL, STARING AT THE PHONE)

 

CUT TO:

 

(KRAMER ENTERING JERRY'S APARTMENT, HEADS FOR KITCHEN CABINET)

 

KRAMER

 

Whad I tell ya! They love the Psychic Buddy!

 

(KRAMER STARES AT TWO BAGS OF CHIPS, PULLS OUT HIS PSYCHIC BUDDY, LOOKS AT IT, PUTS IT BACK IN HIS POCKET AND GRABS BOTH BAGS.)

 

JERRY (YELLS AT KRAMER AS KRAMER STUMBLES OUT THE DOOR)

 

I'm not taking anymore calls Kramer!!!

 

(JERRY'S PHONE RINGS AGAIN. JERRY LOOKS AT IT HESITANTLY. REACHES FOR IT. PULLS BACK. REACHES FOR IT. PULLS BACK. FINALLY PICKS IT UP)

 

JERRY PICKS UP PHONE AND SCREAMS

 

Yeah, I knew you'd call. You stupid idiot! But my Psychic Buddy's telling me to hang up the phone right now.

 

(QUICK CUT TO TIFFANY AT BAR LISTENING TO JERRY ON THE PHONE SAYING)

 

Now, leave me alone!

 

(TIFFANY STARES BEWILDERED AT THE PHONE.)

 

CUT TO:

 

(JERRY YANKS PHONE CORD OUT OF WALL AND THROWS THE PHONE TO THE GROUND. WALKS TOWARD BEDROOM, WAVES OFF PHONE.)

 

CUT TO:

 

(ELAINE ASLEEP IN THE BACK OF THE CAB. DRIVER STARING AT THE METER, SMILING.)

 

CUT TO:

 

(SHOT OF GEORGE STILL ASLEEP ON HIS DESK. HE REACHES BEHIND HIM, GRABS SEVERAL LETTERS AND PULLS THEM ON HIS CHEST LIKE A BLANKET)

 

CUT TO:

 

(JERRY IN BED ON HIS BACK , EYES CLOSED. HE HEARS KRAMER'S PHONE AND HIS EYES OPEN WIDE.)

 

JERRY MUMBLES

 

I wonder if his Psychic Buddy can predict what I'm going to do to him in the morning.

 

(ANGRILY PUTS PILLOW OVER HIS HEAD.)

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

(THE NEXT MORNING. KRAMER BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR OF JERRY'S APARTMENT LOOKING FRAZZLED. JERRY IS STANDING IN THE KITCHEN. KRAMERS PHONE RINGING IN THE BACKGROUND.)

 

KRAMER (LOOKING THROUGH THE DOOR AT HIS APARTMENT, NEARLY IN TEARS)

 

Make it stop, Jerry. Make it stop!

 

JERRY YELLS

 

Unplug it Kramer.

 

KRAMER

 

I can't Jerry! What if somebody's trying to get in touch with me???

 

(GEORGE WALKS IN)

 

GEORGE (DISGUSTED)

 

You two don't look very gruntled.

 

(KRAMER STARES AT HIS APARTMENT THROUGH JERRY'S DOORWAY AS HE HEARS HIS PHONE RINGING. THEN KRAMER RUNS BACK INTO HIS APARTMENT TO GET THE PHONE)

 

JERRY

 

What's your problem?

 

GEORGE

 

Get this, Steinbrenner's got me answering fan mail. Not only that, I'm getting nowhere with the variations. It's not the truth that works! It's the line! You gotta let me use the line!

 

(JERRY WAVING HAND)

 

No line!

 

GEORGE

 

You let me use the move! Let me use the line!

 

JERRY

 

I draw the line at the Line! You know, you're crossing the line by even asking for the line.

 

(TV IS ON BUT TURNED DOWN. JERRY GLANCES AT THE SCREEN, GRABS THE REMOTE TO TURN UP VOLUME.)

 

JERRY

 

Isn't that Newman?

 

GEORGE

 

What's he doing at a Mayor's press conference?

 

(ON TV)

 

MAYOR

 

.and it gives me great pleasure to honor the Postal Service's Gruntled Employee of the year.

 

(NEWMAN GRINNING AT THE CAMERA BENDING HEAD DOWN FOR MAYOR TO DRAPE MEDAL OVER HIS HEAD.)

 

(SHOT OF GEORGE DROPPING AND SHAKING HIS HEAD, PAN TO JERRY STRESSED FROM LACK OF SLEEP, SHOT OF KRAMER DEBATING ON WHETHER TO PICK UP RINGING PHONE, SHOT OF ELAINE WORKING THROUGH PILES OF PAPERS IN CAB)

 

ENDING

 

(PETERMAN'S CONFERENCE ROOM. PETERMAN IS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE. ELAINE (FRAZZLED) BURSTS IN.)

 

ELAINE (SITTING AND SPREADING OUT ALL HER PAPERS)

 

I got it! I spent all night in a cab working, but I got it!

 

PETERMAN STANDS

 

There'll be no need for that, Elaine. There's really only one way to decide.

 

(PETERMAN REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS SOMETHING OUT)

 

PETERMAN

 

Yes, my Psychic Buddy. Blessed by a Shaman Priest. I'm reminded of the months I spent among the Shaman. (LOOKS AT PSYCHIC BUDDY) Should I sell, .buddy?

 

(ELAINE LOOKS SURPRISED AT FIRST, THEN DROPS HER HEAD ON HER ARMS AS PETERMAN FLIPS THE PSYCHIC BUDDY.)

 

(SLOW MOTION CLOSE-UP OF PSYCHIC BUDDY FLIPPING UP AND COMING BACK DOWN. FADE BEFORE IT LANDS.)

 

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