THE PSYCHIC BUDDY
(GEORGE AND JERRY
WALKING DOWN JERRY'S HALLWAY TOWARDS JERRY'S DOOR. NEWMAN COMES OUT OF KRAMER'S
APARTMENT, SNEERING )
NEWMAN (YELLING ANGRILY
I thought we were
(KRAMER'S DOOR SLAMS
NEWMAN (IN A HUFF):
Out of my way Jerry.
(NEWMAN PUSHES JERRY OUT
OF THE WAY AND HUSTLES AWAY)
(JERRY UNLOCKS THE
APARTMENT AND JERRY AND GEORGE GO IN)
What's with Newman? He
was even more obnoxious than usual.
Imagine that, a disgruntled
JERRY (THINKING FOR A
If disgruntled means
unhappy, does gruntled mean happy?
No, definitely not.
Think about it, you
could say "Have a Merry Christmas and a gruntled New Year" or
"Gruntled Birthday to you!"
(GEORGE LOOKS AT HIM
LIKE HE'S LOST HIS MIND)
(KRAMER BURSTS IN)
Kramer, is gruntled a
KRAMER (GRINNING WITH
Oh, I'm gruntled!
What's up with Newman?
He's just mad because I
won't let him in the commercial. He can't act!
I'm watching this
psychic network show the other night and they claimed to be right forty percent
of the time. So I got the idea for this.
(KRAMER REACHES INTO
POCKET, PULLS OUT A COIN AND TOSSES IT TO JERRY.)
What is it?
It's the Psychic Buddy.
A half-dollar with
"yes" on one side and "no" on the other?
Yeah, I've got them
beat, it's right fifty percent of the time. Need an answer? Just flip it.
JERRY (GESTURING WITH
You know, half the time,
this thing's a hundred percent right.
KRAMER (POINTING AT THE
Why would anybody buy
this? I mean, reach into your pocket, pull out a coin.It's called heads or
You don't understand,
Jerry. I get these blessed by a Shaman high priest. That gives them their
psychic energy. They're loaded with psychic energy. I'm telling you Jerry,
people are gonna eat these up. You wait and see.
(SHOT OF OUTSIDE OF
MONK'S) (GEORGE AND JERRY WALK INTO MONK'S. KRAMER IS PAYING HIS BILL)
Hey! Gotta go. We're
shooting the commercial this afternoon.
What commercial? Oh
that's right, the Psychic Buddy thing. How's that going?
We gotta finish it
today. They're putting it on Thursday night. Yeah, it's gonna be on during that
Sandra Bullock movie, "While You were Sleeping with the Enemy".
I think that's...never
mind. How'd you get it on so fast?
(KRAMER POINTS AT JERRY
AND SNAPS HIS FINGERS. KRAMER LEAVES, GEORGE AND JERRY SIT DOWN)
So, I don't know whether
to go out with Tiffany or Karen on Friday.
Yeah, that's a tough
one. You're trying to decide between two beautiful women, I'm trying to decide
between Glamour and Cosmopolitan. (Pause) Maybe you should use the Psychic
Maybe I will!
GEORGE (GESTURING IN
WITH HIS HANDS)
All right, let me have
Well, Tiffany's like,
like a Porsche. She's beautiful. You just take her out on weekends. High
maintenance and you better have some money if you're going to keep her very
Karen. Karen is a
Well, a really nice
Volkswagen. You know, solid, dependable, reliable but nothing really exotic.
Don't most Volkswagens
have a lot of miles on them?
High mileage is not
necessarily a bad thing. This car's been around and knows the terrain. You're
pretty sure you'll always get where you want to go.
If it were me, I'd take
the Porsche. I have absolutely nothing exotic in my life. In fact even a
Volkswagen would be an improvement. Not that I'm ever gonna be faced with this
Then there's Camille.
Camille!? I thought we
were only dealing with two women here.
I met her at that club
on 82nd. A college girl. She's like a brand new model still sitting on the
lot. A real unknown. Beautiful to look at, but zero miles and you can only
guess at what she'll do.
GEORGE (SHAKING HEAD)
How do you meet these
That's the weird thing.
I'm at this party the other night and I see this gorgeous woman across the
room. I can't help it, I start walking towards her. And I'm thinking "what
am I going to say?". Then I get to her and I just blurted it out. Next
thing I know, we're talking and laughing and we might be going out Friday. It
worked on Karen and Camille too!
You're 3 for 3 with this
Yep. Batting a thousand
All right! What's the
Can't tell you.
What do mean you can't
You don't understand
George. It's like the "What's your sign?" line or "Come here
often?". Some guy started it and at first it was great. Women loved it!
Then he told a friend and well, look what happened there. This is gold, baby.
I'm keeping it!
GEORGE (GETTING VERY
You've got a line that
works and you're not going to tell me? I need a line Jerry! I'm not sure we can
be friends anymore.
All right, all right.
Get a hold of yourself man! I'll tell you, but you can't say it exactly like I
All right. What is it.
JERRY (LOOKING BACK AND
FORTH TO MAKE SURE NOBODY'S LISTENING. HE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS TO GEORGE)
Would you mind if I just
stand here and flirt with you a few minutes.
(JERRY SPREADS ARMS OUT
AND LOOKS AT GEORGE)
The truth? You actually
told her the truth? I can't believe I didn't think of that.
Somehow I can't picture
you, a woman and the truth in the same room.
(A GIRL WALKS UP TO THE
Sherry! How've you been?
Oh, just great.
Look, I've got to run.
Give me a call sometime, I'm gruntled to see you!
GEORGE LOOKING PUZZLED
Yeah (SHAKES HIS HEAD)
(ELAINE COMES IN, THROWS
SOME PAPERS ONTO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN. SHE'S VERY UPSET)
Peterman got an offer to
sell out. He wants me to put together a presentation on why he shouldn't sell.
I've got to have it by Friday, Jerry! I can't go to the movie tonight.
You can't go to the
movie!? We planned this days ago!
I know, but what can I
(SHOT OF STADIUM)
(GEORGE STICKS HIS HEAD IN STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE.)
You wanted to see me Mr.
Come on in George. You
know George, we won it all before and I think we can win it all again this
year. But to do that we've got to have the support of the players and the
fans. Since winning the series our boys have been covered up with fan mail.
GEORGE (GRINNING AND
Yes, I've seen those
stacks of mail. Big stacks, lots of mail.
Now I want every bit of
this mail answered so we keep the support of the people.
Absolutely. Gotta keep
the masses happy.
But the players can't
answer all that mail. They're on the road or practicing all the time. That's
why I want you to handle this, George. See to it that all of that mail gets a
I'll see if I can hire a
temp to come in and.
No George! This is too
important to leave to someone else. I want you to handle this personally.
(GEORGE'S SQUINTS HIS EYES AND SAYS "WHAT?!", STEINBRENNER STILL
DRONING IN THE BACKGROUND.) George, we've got to keep the fans and the players
gruntled if we hope to repeat that success. We've got a lot of work to do but
I think... I'm counting on you George... You know I was really gruntled
after that 7th game. As gruntled as I've ever been..
(GEORGE RISES AND STARTS
BACKING TO THE DOOR WHILE STEINBRENNER IS STILL TALKING USING THE WORD GRUNTLED
OFF AND ON.)
GEORGE (MUMBLING TO
Gruntled. It's not a
word, I swear it's not a word.
(GEORGE SMILING AND
NODDING BACKS OUT THE DOOR WHILE STEINBRENNER IS STILL TALKING)
(JERRY AND KAREN IN
I'll be right back. In
case you're wondering, I don't have any cookies, so don't bother looking.
(JERRY GOES TO RESTROOM,
KRAMER BURSTS IN)
Hi. I'm uh Cosmo
KRAMER (SMILES AND
POINTS AT KAREN)
Karen, yeah! Volkswagen
Yeah, George was telling
me, you're like a Volkswagen. Dependable, reliable. You know, Jerry picked you
over a Porsche.
(JERRY COMES OUT OF THE
KAREN TO JERRY
So, I'm a Volkswagen
JERRY (ANGRY LOOK AT
Uh, frankly I don't know
what you're talking about.
(KAREN GATHERS HER
Wait! Where are you
KAREN (STOPS AT DOOR)
Someplace where you'll
(KAREN WALKS OUT)
JERRY (WATCHING HER WALK
DOWN THE HALL)
a good one. (CLOSES DOOR AND TURNS ON KRAMER) Kramer, you stupid idiot, why did
you say anything???
I like Volkswagens..
(SHOT OF MAIL PEOPLE
BRINGING IN BAGS OF MAIL TO GEORGE'S OFFICE AND DUMPING THEM ON THE FLOOR.
GEORGE IS GETTING DISGRUNTLED. GEORGE SIGNS ANOTHER LETTER AND HIS PEN RUNS OUT
OF INK. HE ANGRILY THROWS IT INTO A TRASH CAN WITH MANY EMPTY PENS)
(CUT TO GEORGE WALKING
INTO THE SUPPLY ROOM. THERE IS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL THERE. GEORGE SHRUGS HIS
SHOULDERS AND WALKS OVER TO HER)
Would you mind if I just
stood here and complimented the way you look?
(THE GIRL LOOKS AT HIM
LIKE HE'S LOST HIS MIND. THE GIRL WALKS AWAY AND GEORGE SHAKES HIS HEAD.)
(ELAINE AND JERRY ARE IN
HIS APARTMENT, ELAINE IS AT JERRY'S TABLE TRYING TO WORK. KRAMER BURSTS IN AND
GRABS THE REMOTE)
I'm out there now,
The commercial. It's on
Are you kidding? They're
actually playing it?
Oh, they're playing it.
(EVERYONE LOOKS AT THE
(CHEERFUL MUSIC IN THE
(KRAMER'S IN A VOTING
BOOTH LOOKING PUZZLED, STARING AT "REPUBLICAN" AND
KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE
Need help making those
(KRAMER ON A CAR LOT
TRYING TO DECIDE BETWEEN A PORSCHE AND A VOLKSWAGEN)
KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE
You can't call the
Psychic Hotline every time you need help.
(KRAMER IN A HOSPITAL
ROOM STANDING BESIDE AN OLD LADY'S BED HOLDING AN ELECTRICAL CORD LOOKING
KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE
That's why I invented
the Psychic Buddy!
(KRAMER PULLS THE
PSYCHIC BUDDY OUT OF HIS POCKET, SMILES AND LOOKS AT THE OLD LADY.)
KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE
When you need an answer
fast, just flip your Psychic Buddy.
(KRAMER STANDING BESIDE
A HALF FULL PIE-CHART.)
KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE
I guarantee it to be
right fifty percent of the time. Half the time it's one hundred percent right!
(KRAMER KNOCKS OVER THE
CHARTS TRYING TO SHOW THE FULL PIE.)
(KRAMER TRYING TO STUFF
A OUIJA BOARD IN HIS PANTS.)
KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE
Oh, you've tried other
methods but they're just too bulky. With the Psychic Buddy, the answer's always
in your pants!
(KRAMER STANDING AT THE
ALTAR BESIDE THE BRIDE, REACHING INTO HIS PANTS POCKET)
KRAMER'S VOICE IN
Each one blessed by a
Shaman high priest so you know it's packed with psychic energy.
KRAMER LOOKING AT THE
Now, you're trying to
decide whether to call and order or not. (LIFTING UP COIN INTO VIEW - ZOOM IN)
If you had the Psychic Buddy, you'd know!
(KRAMER FLIPS THE
PSYCHIC BUDDY. SLOW MOTION CLOSE-UP AS IT FALLS AND LANDS ON "YES".
TWO PHONE NUMBERS ARE SHOWN ON THE SCREEN.)
Call now, operators are
END OF COMMERCIAL
Wait a second, one of
those was my phone number!!!
Yeah, do me a solid,
buddy. I'll cut you in.
Why didn't you use an
eight hundred service?
Overhead. That's the beauty of this.
ELAINE (GATHERS UP BRIEF
CASE, CHARTS, ETC.)
Well, I'm going to the
office, I can't get any work done here. You boys have fun with your little
Hey, I think I hear my
(RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM)
JERRY (PACING AND
Think Jerry, think. Wait
a second, no one's gonna see it. (ARMS OUTSTRETCHED) And even if they did,
(LAUGHING) I mean, who would be stupid enough...
(JERRY'S PHONE RINGS)
JERRY ANSWERS PHONE
Hello, (PAUSE) no you
have the wrong number, try the other one (PAUSE) well it can't be busy forever.
KRAMER ANSWERING HIS
Psychic Buddy Hotline,
we knew you'd call. (SMILING) Yeah, yeah. How many you want? (WRITING ON
(ELAINE IN A CAB OUTSIDE
HER OFFICE LOOKING FOR HER PURSE)
Indian cab driver: That
will be thirteen fifty, please.
My purse, I left it at
Jerry's! Look, I can pay you tomorrow, I just really need to get to my office
INDIAN CAB DRIVER
What if I would have
said "I can take you there tomorrow"? Then the shoe would be on the
Huh? (PAUSE) Look, just
take me back to where I was.
Indian cab driver: I
don't think so. I've seen that program before. You go back to where you were
and I never see you again.
No, no. (PAUSE) Look.
Just take me to a pay phone then.
JERRY (ANSWERING THE
What?!?!? (PAUSE) You
don't need one! Just flip a coin! (PAUSE) We lied, there's no priest involved!
(PAUSE) It's not about money! I don't care if you'll pay twice as much (PAUSE)
Twice as much? (SHAKING HEAD) Would you pay three times as much? (PAUSE)
(JERRY STRETCHES OUT HIS
ARMS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF)
ELAINE (AT PHONE BOOTH)
Come on Jerry! It can't
be busy all night. (BUSY SIGNAL)
(KRAMER ON PHONE)
(ELAINE DIALING - PHONE
RINGS AND RINGS AND RINGS)
George, where are you!?
(GEORGE ASLEEP ON HIS
DESK AT WORK) George!
(TIFFANY AND FRIEND IN
Where you going,
I almost forgot. I'm not
sure if Jerry and I are going out tomorrow. I gotta call him.
JERRY ANSWERS PHONE.)
No this isn't the
Psychic Buddy hotline, it's the institute and you were expected back in your
cell a half hour ago.
(TIFFANY GETTING BUSY
SIGNAL, STARING AT THE PHONE)
(KRAMER ENTERING JERRY'S
APARTMENT, HEADS FOR KITCHEN CABINET)
Whad I tell ya! They
love the Psychic Buddy!
(KRAMER STARES AT TWO
BAGS OF CHIPS, PULLS OUT HIS PSYCHIC BUDDY, LOOKS AT IT, PUTS IT BACK IN HIS
POCKET AND GRABS BOTH BAGS.)
JERRY (YELLS AT KRAMER
AS KRAMER STUMBLES OUT THE DOOR)
I'm not taking anymore
(JERRY'S PHONE RINGS
AGAIN. JERRY LOOKS AT IT HESITANTLY. REACHES FOR IT. PULLS BACK. REACHES FOR
IT. PULLS BACK. FINALLY PICKS IT UP)
JERRY PICKS UP PHONE AND
Yeah, I knew you'd call.
You stupid idiot! But my Psychic Buddy's telling me to hang up the phone right
(QUICK CUT TO TIFFANY AT
BAR LISTENING TO JERRY ON THE PHONE SAYING)
Now, leave me alone!
(TIFFANY STARES BEWILDERED
AT THE PHONE.)
(JERRY YANKS PHONE CORD
OUT OF WALL AND THROWS THE PHONE TO THE GROUND. WALKS TOWARD BEDROOM, WAVES OFF
(ELAINE ASLEEP IN THE
BACK OF THE CAB. DRIVER STARING AT THE METER, SMILING.)
(SHOT OF GEORGE STILL
ASLEEP ON HIS DESK. HE REACHES BEHIND HIM, GRABS SEVERAL LETTERS AND PULLS THEM
ON HIS CHEST LIKE A BLANKET)
(JERRY IN BED ON HIS
BACK , EYES CLOSED. HE HEARS KRAMER'S PHONE AND HIS EYES OPEN WIDE.)
I wonder if his Psychic
Buddy can predict what I'm going to do to him in the morning.
(ANGRILY PUTS PILLOW
OVER HIS HEAD.)
(THE NEXT MORNING.
KRAMER BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR OF JERRY'S APARTMENT LOOKING FRAZZLED. JERRY IS
STANDING IN THE KITCHEN. KRAMERS PHONE RINGING IN THE BACKGROUND.)
KRAMER (LOOKING THROUGH
THE DOOR AT HIS APARTMENT, NEARLY IN TEARS)
Make it stop, Jerry.
Make it stop!
Unplug it Kramer.
I can't Jerry! What if
somebody's trying to get in touch with me???
(GEORGE WALKS IN)
You two don't look very
(KRAMER STARES AT HIS
APARTMENT THROUGH JERRY'S DOORWAY AS HE HEARS HIS PHONE RINGING. THEN KRAMER
RUNS BACK INTO HIS APARTMENT TO GET THE PHONE)
What's your problem?
Get this, Steinbrenner's
got me answering fan mail. Not only that, I'm getting nowhere with the
variations. It's not the truth that works! It's the line! You gotta let me use
(JERRY WAVING HAND)
You let me use the move!
Let me use the line!
I draw the line at the
Line! You know, you're crossing the line by even asking for the line.
(TV IS ON BUT TURNED
DOWN. JERRY GLANCES AT THE SCREEN, GRABS THE REMOTE TO TURN UP VOLUME.)
Isn't that Newman?
What's he doing at a
Mayor's press conference?
.and it gives me great
pleasure to honor the Postal Service's Gruntled Employee of the year.
(NEWMAN GRINNING AT THE
CAMERA BENDING HEAD DOWN FOR MAYOR TO DRAPE MEDAL OVER HIS HEAD.)
(SHOT OF GEORGE DROPPING
AND SHAKING HIS HEAD, PAN TO JERRY STRESSED FROM LACK OF SLEEP, SHOT OF KRAMER
DEBATING ON WHETHER TO PICK UP RINGING PHONE, SHOT OF ELAINE WORKING THROUGH
PILES OF PAPERS IN CAB)
ROOM. PETERMAN IS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE. ELAINE (FRAZZLED) BURSTS IN.)
ELAINE (SITTING AND
SPREADING OUT ALL HER PAPERS)
I got it! I spent all
night in a cab working, but I got it!
There'll be no need for
that, Elaine. There's really only one way to decide.
(PETERMAN REACHES INTO
HIS POCKET AND PULLS SOMETHING OUT)
Yes, my Psychic Buddy.
Blessed by a Shaman Priest. I'm reminded of the months I spent among the
Shaman. (LOOKS AT PSYCHIC BUDDY) Should I sell, .buddy?
(ELAINE LOOKS SURPRISED
AT FIRST, THEN DROPS HER HEAD ON HER ARMS AS PETERMAN FLIPS THE PSYCHIC BUDDY.)
(SLOW MOTION CLOSE-UP OF
PSYCHIC BUDDY FLIPPING UP AND COMING BACK DOWN. FADE BEFORE IT LANDS.)