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The Plumbing Prince



        Written By


        Keith McDuffee








The apartment is empty. NEWMAN is pounding on the apartment door


from the outside.


        NEWMAN (O.C.)


        Jerry!? C'Mon Jerry open up,


        it's Newman.


Knocking continues, then the door slowly opens while NEWMAN


continues to knock, but now gently. NEWMAN peeks into the








        CUT TO:




GEORGE and JERRY sit at their regular booth - GEORGE to the left


and JERRY to the right. JERRY has several small pieces of


luggage with him (beside his feet, O.C.). GEORGE has a sandwich and a


cup of coffee in front of him. GEORGE watches a postman walk


into the cafe and hand mail to the cashier.




        Y'know, I think the post office


        is out to get me.


        JERRY looks behind him at the postman who is walking out


        the door and turns back again.




        What, you mean that guy?




        No. I mean the post office






        The whole empire, huh?


        (Exaggerated) Well you picked


        the wrong group of people to


        mess with pal.




        For example, what did you get


        for mail yesterday?




        (Annoyed) I dunno. A magazine, a


        couple of bills. Why, what do


        they send you when they're out


        to get ya?




        (Pause) Catalogs. (Pause) It's


        unnatural the number of catalogs


        I get.




        So - what's wrong with catalogs?


        GEORGE looks at JERRY as if he should know what he is


        talking about.




        (Now understanding)






        Ya. Those catalogs.




        Well how many of these catalogs


        do you get?


        GEORGE measures with his hands.




        A stack this high.




        Do they have your name on them?




        (Accentuates with his hands)


        George Costanza.




        So why haven't you thrown them






        (Embarrassed) I have.




        Then how can you have a stack


        (uses hands) this high?




        (Shrugs) Well you know how they


        are. (Pause) They're






        Well you must be on some kind of






        A list? How could I get on that






        You tell me.




        I have NO idea.




        Well have you bought anything -


        you know - sexy lately?




        C'mon, Jer. Look who you're


        talking to here. The sexiest


        thing I've bought in recent


        years was a hairpiece. (Pause)


        There's only one explanation for


        how those catalog companies got


        my name. (Pause) The post


        office. It's a conspiracy to


        get me to buy the lustful things


        from these catalogs. You know


        how tempting it can get.




        (Wincing) No. Not really.




        Well I'm gonna have to put a


        stop to it somehow. The only


        problem is, once I've stopped


        the catalogs from coming, who


        knows what those maniacs will


        resort to next.




        Well maybe a bulletproof vest is


        in order.




        (Worried) Do you really think


        they'd resort to violence?


        JERRY gives GEORGE a look of disbelief.


A waitress walks by the table.




        (To waitress) Excuse me.




        The waitress turns around.


        GEORGE (CONT'D)


        Could you please bring me some


        hot salsa? Please? Thank you.


        The waitress looks at him a little strange and walks


        towards the counter.




        Aren't you taking this salsa


        thing a little too seriously?




        Not at all! Y'know I actually


        read that spicy foods burn fat?


        Burn fat, Jer! I'm telling ya,


        the Mexicans were onto something


        when they came up with this




        The waitress comes back to the table and puts down a bowl of


salsa. GEORGE starts putting the salsa in his sandwich.




        Really? Well, hey, at this rate


        you could lose twenty pounds


        without ever leaving the booth.




        That's right. From now on, hot


        stuff on everything!


        GEORGE takes a bite of his sandwich. JERRY looks at him with a


grimace. Immediately GEORGE looks bothered by how hot his


sandwich is and begins to wipe his forehead with a napkin.




        I can just see the pounds melt




        JERRY looks at his watch.




        Oh jeez, I gotta go.


        JERRY gets up from the table and picks up his two bags.


        JERRY (CONT'D)


        Oh, I almost forgot. You can't


        use the water in the apartment.




        What? Well why not?




        Yeah, I guess the pipes in the


        basement are having trouble, so


        they shut off all the water in


        the building for a few days.




        I'm bringing Amy back there.


        How am I supposed to go to the


        bathroom all night?




        With all that salsa you're


        eating, I'm sure you'll think of




        CUT TO:




Close-up on a sign in one of the windows that reads: "ON SALE






ELAINE is pushing a cart and reading the label on the back of a


jar. As she rounds the end of the aisle, another cart rams into


her cart.




        Hey! Watch where you're g...


        ELAINE looks up into the face of STEVE, who is pushing the


        other cart.




        Pardon me. Completely my fault.


        STEVE smiles and ELAINE smiles back, looking a little


        embarrassed and blushing.


        CUT TO:




The lights are out as the door opens. GEORGE enters and turns


the lights on. He is nicely dressed. With him is his date, AMY


who is also dressed nicely and is laughing.




        I just had to give that guy the


        space. I mean, I've seen people


        do some pretty crazy things to


        get a parking space before, but


        tap dance while singing "me and


        my shadow"? I tell ya, he


        deserved it.


        GEORGE takes AMY'S coat and hangs it near the door. AMY


        is still holding her purse.




        I know! You know, I actually


        saw these two guys who fought


        over who got to the parking spot


        space first, and they wouldn't


        leave all day. Can you imagine






        (Nervously) Huh. Imagine that.




        As a matter of fact, one of them


        had a car just like...




        (Interrupting) Uh, Amy! Would


        you care for something to drink?




        (A little surprised) Um. Sure.


        Just a glass of spring water is


        fine. I just need to freshen up


        real quick. Can I use your






        Sure thing.


        GEORGE points to the bathroom.




        It's right in there. Just don't


        use the toilet. The plumbing's


        not working properly. You know


        how it is.




        Okay. (Sexy) Be out in a sec.


        AMY walks into the bathroom and GEORGE has a confident look about


him. He walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator while


whistling "London Bridges". About five seconds later, AMY runs


out of the bathroom without saying anything, grabs her coat and


runs out the door. GEORGE watches her, dumbfounded.




        Amy? What's wrong!? Amy!


        GEORGE runs to the door.


        CUT TO:








        CUT TO:




GEORGE is slouched in the couch watching television. The


apartment door opens and in slides KRAMER.




        Hey. Jerry back yet?




        (Glumly) Nah. Not until this






        So - I hear you had a date last


        night. How'd it go?




        I don't know. Everything was


        great - dinner - movie - get


        back to the apartment and ZOOM -


        right out the door without


        saying a word. I can't


        understand it.




        Well with all the excitement


        going on yesterday morning I


        figured you were all set.




        Excitement? What excitement?




        You know. The sounds of a woman


        in throws of passion.




        Throws of passion? Well I wish


        I was here when it happened


        because nothing at all happened


        last night. Besides, nobody was


        here until after twelve o'clock.




        Well, you coulda fooled me.


        The buzzer sounds. Nobody moves to answer it. KRAMER looks


nervously at GEORGE and the buzzer. It buzzes again.




        Well aren't you gonna answer






        Nah. You go ahead. It's


        probably Elaine. She probably


        thinks Jerry's back, too.


        Nobody's here to see me.




        But perhaps not my friend. That


        may be the answer you are


        waiting for


        KRAMER points to the buzzer.


        KRAMER (CONT'D)


        right there. That could be Amy,


        back to explain everything. I


        think you should answer it.




        It's not her.




        Oh - but what if it is?


        The buzzer sounds again.




        (Obviously annoyed) Will you


        just answer the damn buzzer!




        (Shaken) Well you don't have to


        be so pushy!




        Yello! Seinfeld residence -


        this is Kramer.


        ELAINE (O.C.)


        It's me. Is Jerry back yet?




        Nope. C'mon up!


        KRAMER presses the buzzer and opens the door.




        Ya see. No one's here to see






        Hey hey. Cheer up pal. I'm


        here to see ya. I wanted to


        show you what I bought down at


        the auction yesterday.




        Oh yeah. What's that?


        KRAMER excitedly walks to the coffee table and slams one


        of his feet down on the table. It is shod with a very


        strange looking dress shoe that looks tattered.




        Look at that baby!




        So it's a shoe.




        Oh this is no ordinary shoe my






        Okay. It's an ugly shoe. One


        half of a pair of ugly shoes.


        So what's the big deal?


        ELAINE walks in the door.




        Elaine. Come over here and


        check these babies out.




        (Wincing) Where'd you get those


        hideous shoes?




        Down at the auction yesterday.


        I got them for a steal. Do you


        know who once wore these shoes?




        The wino who sits outside






        Get this. (Excited) Humphrey


        Bogart. Bogey himself wore


        these here shoes!




        What, did he trek through the


        Sierra Madre with those on?


        They're ready to crumble to






        Now how do you know those are


        actually his shoes?




        Well why else would they start


        bidding at one-thousand dollars?




        One-thousand?! Are you crazy?!




        Yeah. I'd like to see some


        proof before I'd pay a thousand


        bucks for a crummy pair of






        These are no crummy shoes!


        They're hand crafted especially


        for the man. They're one of a


        kind. And man I tell ya, these


        babies are real comfortable.


        Bogey sure knew how to walk in




        KRAMER puts his foot down and does a studly strut towards


        the kitchen.




        Y'know, I bet if you could prove


        they were his, this guy I just


        met would pay top dollar for


        those. He's a major, major


        Bogart fan.


        KRAMER opens the refrigerator door.




        Ho! Were'd you meet this guy?




        I met him in the grocery store


        yesterday. His cart just like


        accidentally (slaps her hands


        together) slammed into mine


        right out of the blue.




        (Nodding and smirking)


        Accidentally, huh?




        What, you think he did it on


        purpose to meet me?


        GEORGE shrugs his shoulders.


        KRAMER is still rummaging through the refrigerator.




        C'mon! That's ridiculous! What


        kind of a low life would


        actually go out of their way and


        do something like that to meet




        GEORGE looks around the room, looking guilty.




        Yeah, well, can you think of a


        better way for a low life to


        meet women?




        C'mon! That's silly! He's not


        the type of guy who would do


        something like that.




        Okay. Okay. Well then to prove


        me wrong, why don't you go on


        back to the same store today and


        see if he's there again. If I'm


        right, he'll be there knowing


        the odds of you being there


        again are incalculable.




        Why would I need to go there


        again? I was just there


        yesterday. You think I'm a


        grocery story junkie or






        Well, can you go for me? I


        gotta be here when Jerry gets


        back and there's a sale on salsa


        there today.


        KRAMER closes the refrigerator door and has an apple in


        his hand.




        Mmm. Salsa. Love that HOT


        salsa! Burns fat away, y'know.


        GEORGE stands up from the couch.




        That's right. That's right!


        C'mon Elaine, just go down and


        pick me up a dozen jars or so.


        I'll pay you back later.




        Well. Okay. But you'll owe me,


        and then I'll prove you wrong


        while I'm there. (Pause) I gotta


        use the bathroom.




        No! The water's off in the


        building. You can't use it


        until tonight.




        (Sarcastically) So, okay. I


        guess I'll just come back


        tonight just to use Jerry's




        KRAMER walks towards the door.




        Where are you going?




        I'm gonna put a stop to this.


        Those bums down there don't know


        a pipe from a tree branch. I'll


        show 'em who's boss around here.


        They don't call me the Plumbing


        Prince for nothing you know!


        CUT TO:




The basement has an inch of water on the floor and there are


several PLUMBERS working on the pipes at various levels along the


walls. KRAMER enters. His shoes are in one hand and his pants


are rolled up to his knees.




        Hey! What's the hold up down


        here? I wanna take a shower


        sometime today!


        PLUMBER 1


        What the hell are you doing down


        here? We're taking care of the


        problem mister, so just go on


        back to your apartment an you'll


        be splashin' around in your tub


        with your rubber ducky in no time.


        A couple of PLUMBERS chuckle.


        KRAMER surveys the plumbers at work and the water on the






        Well. You guys are going about


        it all wrong.


        PLUMBER 1


        What are you talking about?


        PLUMBER 2


        Yeah. Who do you think you are,


        coming down here trying to tell


        us our business?




        Why, I'm Kramer. Cosmo Kramer


        as a matter of fact.


        The two PLUMBERS look surprised and look at each other


        with gaping mouths.


        PLUMBER 1


        Did you say Cosmo Kramer?




        That's right. Cosmo Kramer!


        PLUMBER 2


        Cosmo. Son of Pipey Kramer?


        PLUMBER 1


        Pipey, the Plumbing King of New






        The very same.


        The two PLUMBERS take off their hard hats.


        PLUMBER 1


        Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Kramer! If I


        had known who you were I would


        have never treated you that way.


        If there's anything I can do...


        KRAMER puts his hand up to stop him from talking.




        Tut tut my good man. If you


        would just point me to the


        person in charge here, I think I


        may be able to enlighten you all


        with the fine toodling my father


        bestowed upon me.


        PLUMBER 2


        (Obviously happy) Yes sir!


        Right this way.














GEORGE is sitting on the couch again. ELAINE is gone. The door


to the apartment opens and JERRY walks in with his bags.








        (Still looking miserable) Hey.




        So how'd it go?




        I wish I knew. Once again I was


        witness to the mysteries of


        women. If there was a course I


        could take on the subject, the


        situation last night would be


        the final exam.


        JERRY puts his bags on the floor behind the couch.




        (Sarcastically) So. It went






        Besides that, I had to run to


        the late night coffee shop all


        night to go to the bathroom.


        I've never had to go to the


        bathroom so much in all my life.




        Gotta love that salsa.


        KRAMER barges in the door, still with his shoes in his hand and


his pants rolled up. All his clothes look a bit wet.




        (Sarcastically) Here to see me?




        (Looking to JERRY) Jerry!


        KRAMER slaps his free hand to his shoe soles.




        I thought so.


        GEORGE gets up from the couch and walks over near JERRY


        and KRAMER.




        Yeah, what's up?




        Look, I'm gonna get this water


        thing all fixed up. Someone's


        just gotta go check to see if


        the toilet in here works yet.




        How are you supposed to fix






        On the account of my father,


        Pipey Kramer - (proudly) The


        Plumbing King of New York.




        Plumbing King of New York?




        That's right. And I'm the


        Plumbing Prince.




        What are you talking about -






        My father was the best plumber


        in the city. He could unstop a


        sewer drain with a simple coat


        hanger. He had his own practice


        not too far from this apartment






        Own practice? You make it sound


        like the guy was a doctor or






        Plumbing's serious business in


        this city. I mean, go look at


        that basement sometime. I tell


        ya, it's no job for a mere


        peasant plumber.




        (Laughs a bit) Yeah. But


        Plumbing Prince? C'mon!


        GEORGE laughs.




        Yeah yeah yeah. Well will


        someone just go on in there and


        check to see if the toilet


        works. I gotta job to do here.




        Yeah. Hold on.


        CUT TO:




P.O.V. camera shot from inside the toilet looking up towards the


bathroom's entrance. We see GEORGE enter into the bathroom and


look down into the toilet. He opens his mouth in horror and


disgust and runs out of the room.


        CUT TO:




GEORGE is pinned up against the wall directly across from the


bathroom entrance. He is holding his hand over his mouth.




        What is it? What's wrong?




        It doesn't work yet?


        GEORGE slowly walks over to JERRY and KRAMER, still with his hand


over his mouth.






        GEORGE pulls down his hand from his mouth and blurts out






        You should know what's lurking


        in there! It is yours! Take a


        look for yourself!


        JERRY walks into the bathroom, looking very curious and






P.O.V. camera shot from the toilet as before. We see JERRY walk


in, talking behind himself.




        What is the matter with you?


        What could be so...


        JERRY looks into the toilet and has a very disgusted look on his


face. GEORGE is now standing in the doorway but not looking in.




        Oh my.




        How could you do it, Jer! How


        could you there


        like that for someone to


        discover? Amy discovered it


        last night and it scared her so


        much she ran five blocks to the


        subway! Do you have any






        Me?'t mine! I


        don't even eat those! Maybe


        it's there! Did


        you ever think of that?




        No way. She hates those! She's


        allergic to them!


        KRAMER walks into the bathroom. As he speaks, he looks into the






        What's the probl...YAAAH!




        My thoughts exactly. Did you

  here? Because


        whoever did is gonna pay for it.




        Well it ain't mine. That's a


        plumber's nightmare in there.


        KRAMER looks down to the floor.




        Ho, what's this?


        KRAMER bends down and picks up what looks like a magazine.




        Interesting reading material,






        What? Lemme see that.


        JERRY looks the catalog over and shows signs of anger.


        CUT TO:




JERRY and KRAMER exit the bathroom and stand outside by its door.




        Can you explain THIS?


        JERRY shoves the magazine into GEORGE'S chest.




        (Shocked) Hey! This is one of


        those catalogs I keep getting


        with all the...




        (Interrupting GEORGE, still


        angry) I know what it is.


        Would you mind explaining how it


        got into my bathroom and how


        it's addressed to you?




        (Shocked) Well. I don't know


        how it got in there. I didn't


        do it! (Alerted) But I bet


        whoever' in there is


        the one responsible for sending


        me these catalogs.




        Well what are we gonna do about


        it? This needs to be fixed!




        Well I can't fix that.


        GEORGE snaps his fingers.




        You know. If we find out who


        eats those, I bet we'll find out





        Well how are we supposed to do






        Well you fellas can stand here


        and figure all that out. I got


        more work to do.


        KRAMER turns towards the bathroom door.




        Watch out. I'm going in.


        KRAMER holds his nose and runs into the bathroom. We hear him


trying to flush the toilet. All that happens is the rattle of


the flush handle, but no flush. He comes barreling out and gasps


for air.




        Oh this is just great!




        I'll put a stop to this once and


        for all!


        KRAMER runs for the door.


        CUT TO:




ELAINE is carrying a small grocery basket which is filled with


jars. She walks down one of the aisles and spots STEVE. She


notices that he is acting strangely. We see that he is standing


behind his cart, peering down one of the aisles. A beautiful


WOMAN comes up the aisle, and as she does, he deliberately bumps


into her cart just as he did with ELAINE the previous day. STEVE


and the WOMAN begin to talk and laugh. ELAINE looks upset and


walks toward him.




        (Surprised) Uh, Elaine! What


        are you doing here again?




        Oh, I thought I'd bring a basket


        this time and try my luck at the


        market again. Like this.


        ELAINE takes the basket and shoves it into STEVE'S gut. He bends


over in pain.




        OOF! What...what..


        The WOMAN he was talking to looks totally shocked and begins to


cart away.




        (To WOMAN) Wait. I...




        Hmmm. That didn't work. Let's


        try this.


        We can see now that STEVE is now wearing the same shoes that


KRAMER was wearing. ELAINE stomps a foot down on one of them and


grinds down with her heel. STEVE lets out with a yell of pain.




        Hey! Do you know who these


        shoes belonged to?


        ELAINE takes STEVE'S cart and pushes it down the aisle.




        Here's looking at you...Jerk!


        ELAINE walks away smiling.


        CUT TO:




The carriage rolls down the aisle and STEVE chases after it,


limping. It slams into another carriage, but we do not see who


it belongs to yet. STEVE then approaches and we see a look of


some horror on his face.


        CUT TO:




We see the owner of the other carriage, who is a very fat and


UGLY WOMAN. She is smiling.


        UGLY WOMAN


        Well. Hello.














All the PLUMBERS are gathered around KRAMER.




        Look, we know who your father


        was, but you ain't no Plumbing


        Prince. We're getting real sick


        of you ordering us around like


        we're a bunch of bums.


        PLUMBER 1


        Yeah. We've had it with you,


        Cosmo. Just let us do the job


        our way. We were almost


        finished anyway.


        The other PLUMBERS begin to express their agreement with


miscellaneous mumbings.




        Gentlemen, gentlemen. As


        impossible as it may seem, I am


        the Plumbing Prince of New York.


        And if you would all just follow


        the perfect plans I laid out for


        you all, we will have these


        pipes back to health in no time.


        PLUMBER 2


        Yeah, but what's in it for us?




        Yeah. What do we get by


        following your orders


        (sarcastically) oh mighty one?




        Well...If you all follow my


        orders precisely, I will, with


        my very hand, make you


        all...uh...honorary knights of


        Pipey Kramer.


        PLUMBER 1


        What? You gotta be kidding!




        Let's get outta here guys. This


        guy's nuts.


        The PLUMBERS begin to leave, mumbling.




        Okay! You will be nothing


        without a blessing from my hand!


        You'll be lucky to get work


        snaking a smoker's pipe with a


        pipe cleaner without my


        knowledge backing you up!


        The PLUMBERS have all left, and a leak bursts into KRAMER'S chest


from a pipe against the wall. KRAMER, looking worried, slaps his


hand over the leak.




        Guys! Hey men! I have another


        plan! You'll like it much




        Another leak bursts from the same pipe but a few feet across from


the first leak. KRAMER, still holding his shoes, takes them to


his mouth and holds them with his teeth. He uses that hand to


cover the other leak. He is now mumbling wildly through his


teeth for the PLUMBERS to return.


        CUT TO:




GEORGE is on the phone.




        Well (laughs) it's a funny


        thing, y'see. I'm not


        responsible for what you saw in


        the bathroom last night. It's a


        complete misunderstanding is all


        it is.


        CUT TO:




The camera only shows AMY on the phone from chest up.




        I'm not sure what you're talking




        *(As each character speaks the camera cuts to their location)*




        Well..y'know...The embarrassing


        oversight in the toilet.




        Oversight in the toilet?




        Y'know. Someone



        quite embarrassing actually.




        More like disgusting. Why are


        you telling me this, George?




        Well...isn't that why you ran


        out of here so quickly last






        I have no idea what you're


        talking about, but I think it's


        as sick as the catalogs you


        read. Good bye, George!


        AMY slams down the phone.


        GEORGE has a shocked look on his face, still holding the


        phone to his ear.


        CUT TO:




KRAMER is still holding two leaks, one with each hand, and one


leak with one of his feet. He has given up trying to yell for


help. Suddenly we see a P.O.V. from KRAMER as he focuses into


one of his shoes. We see a signature in one of them, "Humphrey


Bogart". The camera cuts back to the previous shot, which shows


KRAMER'S excited look. Another leak then sprouts directly in


front of his face, causing him to let go of the shoes and drop


them into what is now a foot of water. The leak is larger than


the other three and is now spraying violently into KRAMER'S face.


He makes gestures to try to block the spray with his tongue




        CUT TO:




GEORGE is no longer on the phone and sits on the couch. JERRY is


in the kitchen.




        My life is over, Jerry. Now the


        whole world thinks I read those


        catalogs. She thinks it's all


        some kind of a sick joke I


        played. I'll never get a date


        in this town thanks Or


        whoever' is.




        Well, we'll find the culprit.


        Don't you worry. I'll scavenge


        every corner of this building


        until I find the home where it


        came from. That person will


        bring it to its final resting




        Outside JERRY'S apartment door we hear someone whistling "London


Bridges". JERRY hears the whistling and listens closer. He then


heads for the door.




        What? What is it?




        (Angry) I know that tune.


        CUT TO:




We see the back of NEWMAN walking down the hall, dressed in his


postman's uniform with a large mail bag on his back. He is still


whistling the same tune. JERRY'S door opens.






        NEWMAN stops whistling suddenly and stops walking, but does not


turn around.




        (Nervously) Uh...yes Jerry?




        (Distrusting) You didn't happen


        to see anyone come into my


        apartment...say, sometime


        yesterday morning...did you?


        NEWMAN remains with his back turned to JERRY.




        Uh...why, no. I didn't see


        anybody, Jer. Heh heh.


        JERRY notices that there is a familiar looking catalog sticking


out of NEWMAN'S bag. JERRY reaches over and snags the catalog


from the bag and looks at it. JERRY has an angry look on his


face now.




        Turn around, Newman.




        Uh...heh heh.




        Turn around!


        NEWMAN turns around and we see that his face is covered in


chocolate. In his hands are "Chunky" wrappers. JERRY walks


closer to him and grabs the wrappers.




        (Grimacing) Give me that.


        JERRY reads the wrapper.




        Just as I thought. With






        I'm sorry, Jer! I thought that


        it was just my toilet that


        wasn't working, so when I saw


        you weren't around, I figured it


        was okay to use yours. I didn't


        realize it was the whole


        building. Honest!




        You! Do you know what you did


        to poor George in there! His


        life's ruined because of these


        catalogs! You should be ashamed


        of yourself - using George as


        the scapegoat in your devilish


        plot to read cheap porn!




        I know. I know. I did it all.


        I'm sorry!




        Go in there and apologize to him


        and finish the job you started


        in there!


        NEWMAN sinks his head low and shuffles into JERRY'S apartment.


        CUT TO:




P.O.V. Toilet - Nobody is in the room yet.


        GEORGE (O.C.)


        Well just get in there


        and get rid of it now. I'm


        calling Amy so you can explain


        all of this to her.


        NEWMAN (O.C.)


        Okay okay!


        NEWMAN enters and he peers into the toilet. He even has a


disgusted look on his face. He reaches over to the toilet's


flush handle and pushes it. We see that the toilet is working


and gurgling at the force it's trying to put on what's being


flushed down.


        JERRY (O.C.)




        CUT TO:




KRAMER is still fighting with the water in his face. Suddenly,


the water in his face stops, but the other leaks continue. He


looks relieved. A couple of seconds go by, and then there is a


rumbling noise coming from the pipes. He begins to look worried


as it get louder and the pipes begin to rattle.


        CUT TO:




GEORGE is holding the phone out to NEWMAN.




        (Angry) Now you tell her you're


        responsible, or I swear I'll...


        NEWMAN reaches for the phone.




        Okay. Okay. You don't need to


        be pushy.


        O.C. we hear an explosion and a blood curdling scream from


KRAMER in the basement.












The apartment is empty and dark except for a light coming from


under the bathroom door. The apartment door opens and JERRY and


ELAINE enter. JERRY turns on the lights to the apartment.


ELAINE is holding a semi-full paper bag.




        "Here's lookin' at you...Jerk?"




        Well it was all that I could


        come up with at the time. What,


        you think you can do better?




        Well you certainly made it up by


        making him come face to face


        with two-ton Tara. I know I'd


        think twice about visiting the


        supermarket if I had close


        encounters with the three T's.




        Three T's?




        Yeah. Two...Ton...Tara.


        ELAINE nods, understanding.


> From the bathroom we hear what sounds almost like a woman in


"throws of passion" or pain of some sort.




        (Shocked) What is that?




        (Shocked) I dunno. I don't


        remember leaving the door


        unlocked. (Pause) (Angrily)




        JERRY storms toward the bathroom door.


The noises continue.




        Newman! I know it's you in


        there now come on out! I


        thought I told you not to come


        in here anymore!


        JERRY pounds on the bathroom door.


        The noises stop.




        (Angrily) Newman!


        There's no answer.




        (More angrily) That's it Newman.


        I'm giving you one last chance.


        I'm gonna leave for ten minutes,


        and when I get back you'd better


        be gone. Understand?


        Still no answer.


        JERRY turns and walks towards ELAINE. ELAINE puts the


        paper bag she has down on the counter.




        (Angrily) C'mon. Let's go.


        He'd better be gone when I get




        JERRY and ELAINE leave and close the door behind them. We then


hear that familiar whistling of "London Bridges" come from the









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