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SEINFELD: THE PLUMBING
PRINCE
Written
By
Keith
McDuffee
ACT I
FADE IN:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT -
MORNING
The apartment is empty.
NEWMAN is pounding on the apartment door
from the outside.
NEWMAN
(O.C.)
Jerry!?
C'Mon Jerry open up,
it's
Newman.
Knocking continues, then
the door slowly opens while NEWMAN
continues to knock, but
now gently. NEWMAN peeks into the
apartment.
NEWMAN
Jerry?
CUT
TO:
INT:
MONK'S CAFE - MORNING
GEORGE and JERRY sit at
their regular booth - GEORGE to the left
and JERRY to the right.
JERRY has several small pieces of
luggage with him (beside
his feet, O.C.). GEORGE has a sandwich and a
cup of coffee in front
of him. GEORGE watches a postman walk
into the cafe and hand
mail to the cashier.
GEORGE
Y'know,
I think the post office
is
out to get me.
JERRY
looks behind him at the postman who is walking out
the
door and turns back again.
JERRY
What,
you mean that guy?
GEORGE
No.
I mean the post office
organization.
JERRY
The
whole empire, huh?
(Exaggerated)
Well you picked
the
wrong group of people to
mess
with pal.
GEORGE
For
example, what did you get
for
mail yesterday?
JERRY
(Annoyed)
I dunno. A magazine, a
couple
of bills. Why, what do
they
send you when they're out
to
get ya?
GEORGE
(Pause)
Catalogs. (Pause) It's
unnatural
the number of catalogs
I
get.
JERRY
So
- what's wrong with catalogs?
GEORGE
looks at JERRY as if he should know what he is
talking
about.
JERRY
(Now
understanding)
Oh...Catalogs.
GEORGE
Ya.
Those catalogs.
JERRY
Well
how many of these catalogs
do
you get?
GEORGE
measures with his hands.
GEORGE
A
stack this high.
JERRY
Do
they have your name on them?
GEORGE
(Accentuates
with his hands)
George
Costanza.
JERRY
So
why haven't you thrown them
away?
GEORGE
(Embarrassed)
I have.
JERRY
Then
how can you have a stack
(uses
hands) this high?
GEORGE
(Shrugs)
Well you know how they
are.
(Pause) They're
illustrated.
JERRY
Well
you must be on some kind of
list.
GEORGE
A
list? How could I get on that
list?
JERRY
You
tell me.
GEORGE
I
have NO idea.
JERRY
Well
have you bought anything -
you
know - sexy lately?
GEORGE
C'mon,
Jer. Look who you're
talking
to here. The sexiest
thing
I've bought in recent
years
was a hairpiece. (Pause)
There's
only one explanation for
how
those catalog companies got
my
name. (Pause) The post
office.
It's a conspiracy to
get
me to buy the lustful things
from
these catalogs. You know
how
tempting it can get.
JERRY
(Wincing)
No. Not really.
GEORGE
Well
I'm gonna have to put a
stop
to it somehow. The only
problem
is, once I've stopped
the
catalogs from coming, who
knows
what those maniacs will
resort
to next.
JERRY
Well
maybe a bulletproof vest is
in
order.
GEORGE
(Worried)
Do you really think
they'd
resort to violence?
JERRY
gives GEORGE a look of disbelief.
A waitress walks by the
table.
GEORGE
(To
waitress) Excuse me.
Waitress?
The
waitress turns around.
GEORGE
(CONT'D)
Could
you please bring me some
hot
salsa? Please? Thank you.
The
waitress looks at him a little strange and walks
towards
the counter.
JERRY
Aren't
you taking this salsa
thing
a little too seriously?
GEORGE
Not
at all! Y'know I actually
read
that spicy foods burn fat?
Burn
fat, Jer! I'm telling ya,
the
Mexicans were onto something
when
they came up with this
stuff.
The
waitress comes back to the table and puts down a bowl of
salsa. GEORGE starts
putting the salsa in his sandwich.
JERRY
Really?
Well, hey, at this rate
you
could lose twenty pounds
without
ever leaving the booth.
GEORGE
That's
right. From now on, hot
stuff
on everything!
GEORGE
takes a bite of his sandwich. JERRY looks at him with a
grimace. Immediately
GEORGE looks bothered by how hot his
sandwich is and begins
to wipe his forehead with a napkin.
JERRY
I
can just see the pounds melt
away.
JERRY
looks at his watch.
JERRY
Oh
jeez, I gotta go.
JERRY
gets up from the table and picks up his two bags.
JERRY
(CONT'D)
Oh,
I almost forgot. You can't
use
the water in the apartment.
GEORGE
What?
Well why not?
JERRY
Yeah,
I guess the pipes in the
basement
are having trouble, so
they
shut off all the water in
the
building for a few days.
GEORGE
I'm
bringing Amy back there.
How
am I supposed to go to the
bathroom
all night?
JERRY
With
all that salsa you're
eating,
I'm sure you'll think of
something.
CUT
TO:
EXT:
SUPERMARKET - DAY
Close-up on a sign in
one of the windows that reads: "ON SALE
TOMORROW ONLY: SALSA -
BUY 3 FOR PRICE OF 1"
INT: SUPERMARKET -
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
ELAINE is pushing a cart
and reading the label on the back of a
jar. As she rounds the
end of the aisle, another cart rams into
her cart.
ELAINE
Hey!
Watch where you're g...
ELAINE
looks up into the face of STEVE, who is pushing the
other
cart.
STEVE
Pardon
me. Completely my fault.
STEVE
smiles and ELAINE smiles back, looking a little
embarrassed
and blushing.
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The lights are out as
the door opens. GEORGE enters and turns
the lights on. He is
nicely dressed. With him is his date, AMY
who is also dressed
nicely and is laughing.
GEORGE
I
just had to give that guy the
space.
I mean, I've seen people
do
some pretty crazy things to
get
a parking space before, but
tap
dance while singing "me and
my
shadow"? I tell ya, he
deserved
it.
GEORGE
takes AMY'S coat and hangs it near the door. AMY
is
still holding her purse.
AMY
I
know! You know, I actually
saw
these two guys who fought
over
who got to the parking spot
space
first, and they wouldn't
leave
all day. Can you imagine
that?
GEORGE
(Nervously)
Huh. Imagine that.
AMY
As
a matter of fact, one of them
had
a car just like...
GEORGE
(Interrupting)
Uh, Amy! Would
you
care for something to drink?
AMY
(A
little surprised) Um. Sure.
Just
a glass of spring water is
fine.
I just need to freshen up
real
quick. Can I use your
bathroom?
GEORGE
Sure
thing.
GEORGE
points to the bathroom.
GEORGE
It's
right in there. Just don't
use
the toilet. The plumbing's
not
working properly. You know
how
it is.
AMY
Okay.
(Sexy) Be out in a sec.
AMY
walks into the bathroom and GEORGE has a confident look about
him. He walks into the
kitchen and opens the refrigerator while
whistling "London
Bridges". About five seconds later, AMY runs
out of the bathroom
without saying anything, grabs her coat and
runs out the door.
GEORGE watches her, dumbfounded.
GEORGE
Amy?
What's wrong!? Amy!
GEORGE
runs to the door.
CUT
TO:
INT:
HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE
Amy!
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING
GEORGE is slouched in
the couch watching television. The
apartment door opens and
in slides KRAMER.
KRAMER
Hey.
Jerry back yet?
GEORGE
(Glumly)
Nah. Not until this
afternoon.
KRAMER
So
- I hear you had a date last
night.
How'd it go?
GEORGE
I
don't know. Everything was
great
- dinner - movie - get
back
to the apartment and ZOOM -
right
out the door without
saying
a word. I can't
understand
it.
KRAMER
Well
with all the excitement
going
on yesterday morning I
figured
you were all set.
GEORGE
Excitement?
What excitement?
KRAMER
You
know. The sounds of a woman
in
throws of passion.
GEORGE
Throws
of passion? Well I wish
I
was here when it happened
because
nothing at all happened
last
night. Besides, nobody was
here
until after twelve o'clock.
KRAMER
Well,
you coulda fooled me.
The
buzzer sounds. Nobody moves to answer it. KRAMER looks
nervously at GEORGE and
the buzzer. It buzzes again.
KRAMER
Well
aren't you gonna answer
that?
GEORGE
Nah.
You go ahead. It's
probably
Elaine. She probably
thinks
Jerry's back, too.
Nobody's
here to see me.
KRAMER
But
perhaps not my friend. That
may
be the answer you are
waiting
for
KRAMER
points to the buzzer.
KRAMER
(CONT'D)
right
there. That could be Amy,
back
to explain everything. I
think
you should answer it.
GEORGE
It's
not her.
KRAMER
Oh
- but what if it is?
The
buzzer sounds again.
GEORGE
(Obviously
annoyed) Will you
just
answer the damn buzzer!
KRAMER
(Shaken)
Well you don't have to
be
so pushy!
KRAMER
(INTO INTERCOM)
Yello!
Seinfeld residence -
this
is Kramer.
ELAINE
(O.C.)
It's
me. Is Jerry back yet?
KRAMER
(INTO INTERCOM)
Nope.
C'mon up!
KRAMER
presses the buzzer and opens the door.
GEORGE
Ya
see. No one's here to see
me.
KRAMER
Hey
hey. Cheer up pal. I'm
here
to see ya. I wanted to
show
you what I bought down at
the
auction yesterday.
GEORGE
Oh
yeah. What's that?
KRAMER
excitedly walks to the coffee table and slams one
of
his feet down on the table. It is shod with a very
strange
looking dress shoe that looks tattered.
KRAMER
Look
at that baby!
GEORGE
So
it's a shoe.
KRAMER
Oh
this is no ordinary shoe my
friend.
GEORGE
Okay.
It's an ugly shoe. One
half
of a pair of ugly shoes.
So
what's the big deal?
ELAINE
walks in the door.
KRAMER
Elaine.
Come over here and
check
these babies out.
ELIANE
(Wincing)
Where'd you get those
hideous
shoes?
KRAMER
Down
at the auction yesterday.
I
got them for a steal. Do you
know
who once wore these shoes?
ELAINE
The
wino who sits outside
Greene's?
KRAMER
Get
this. (Excited) Humphrey
Bogart.
Bogey himself wore
these
here shoes!
GEORGE
What,
did he trek through the
Sierra
Madre with those on?
They're
ready to crumble to
pieces.
ELAINE
Now
how do you know those are
actually
his shoes?
KRAMER
Well
why else would they start
bidding
at one-thousand dollars?
ELAINE
One-thousand?!
Are you crazy?!
GEORGE
Yeah.
I'd like to see some
proof
before I'd pay a thousand
bucks
for a crummy pair of
shoes.
KRAMER
These
are no crummy shoes!
They're
hand crafted especially
for
the man. They're one of a
kind.
And man I tell ya, these
babies
are real comfortable.
Bogey
sure knew how to walk in
style.
KRAMER
puts his foot down and does a studly strut towards
the
kitchen.
ELAINE
Y'know,
I bet if you could prove
they
were his, this guy I just
met
would pay top dollar for
those.
He's a major, major
Bogart
fan.
KRAMER
opens the refrigerator door.
KRAMER
Ho!
Were'd you meet this guy?
ELAINE
I
met him in the grocery store
yesterday.
His cart just like
accidentally
(slaps her hands
together)
slammed into mine
right
out of the blue.
GEORGE
(Nodding
and smirking)
Accidentally,
huh?
ELAINE
What,
you think he did it on
purpose
to meet me?
GEORGE
shrugs his shoulders.
KRAMER
is still rummaging through the refrigerator.
ELAINE
C'mon!
That's ridiculous! What
kind
of a low life would
actually
go out of their way and
do
something like that to meet
women?
GEORGE
looks around the room, looking guilty.
GEORGE
Yeah,
well, can you think of a
better
way for a low life to
meet
women?
ELAINE
C'mon!
That's silly! He's not
the
type of guy who would do
something
like that.
GEORGE
Okay.
Okay. Well then to prove
me
wrong, why don't you go on
back
to the same store today and
see
if he's there again. If I'm
right,
he'll be there knowing
the
odds of you being there
again
are incalculable.
ELAINE
Why
would I need to go there
again?
I was just there
yesterday.
You think I'm a
grocery
story junkie or
something?
GEORGE
Well,
can you go for me? I
gotta
be here when Jerry gets
back
and there's a sale on salsa
there
today.
KRAMER
closes the refrigerator door and has an apple in
his
hand.
KRAMER
Mmm.
Salsa. Love that HOT
salsa!
Burns fat away, y'know.
GEORGE
stands up from the couch.
GEORGE
That's
right. That's right!
C'mon
Elaine, just go down and
pick
me up a dozen jars or so.
I'll
pay you back later.
ELAINE
Well.
Okay. But you'll owe me,
and
then I'll prove you wrong
while
I'm there. (Pause) I gotta
use
the bathroom.
GEORGE
No!
The water's off in the
building.
You can't use it
until
tonight.
ELAINE
(Sarcastically)
So, okay. I
guess
I'll just come back
tonight
just to use Jerry's
bathroom.
KRAMER
walks towards the door.
GEORGE
Where
are you going?
KRAMER
I'm
gonna put a stop to this.
Those
bums down there don't know
a
pipe from a tree branch. I'll
show
'em who's boss around here.
They
don't call me the Plumbing
Prince
for nothing you know!
CUT
TO:
INT:
BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - SHORTLY FOLLOWING
The basement has an inch
of water on the floor and there are
several PLUMBERS working
on the pipes at various levels along the
walls. KRAMER enters.
His shoes are in one hand and his pants
are rolled up to his
knees.
KRAMER
Hey!
What's the hold up down
here?
I wanna take a shower
sometime
today!
PLUMBER
1
What
the hell are you doing down
here?
We're taking care of the
problem
mister, so just go on
back
to your apartment an you'll
be
splashin' around in your tub
with
your rubber ducky in no time.
A
couple of PLUMBERS chuckle.
KRAMER
surveys the plumbers at work and the water on the
floor.
KRAMER
Well.
You guys are going about
it
all wrong.
PLUMBER
1
What
are you talking about?
PLUMBER
2
Yeah.
Who do you think you are,
coming
down here trying to tell
us
our business?
KRAMER
Why,
I'm Kramer. Cosmo Kramer
as
a matter of fact.
The
two PLUMBERS look surprised and look at each other
with
gaping mouths.
PLUMBER
1
Did
you say Cosmo Kramer?
KRAMER
That's
right. Cosmo Kramer!
PLUMBER
2
Cosmo.
Son of Pipey Kramer?
PLUMBER
1
Pipey,
the Plumbing King of New
York?
KRAMER
The
very same.
The
two PLUMBERS take off their hard hats.
PLUMBER
1
Oh,
I'm sorry Mr. Kramer! If I
had
known who you were I would
have
never treated you that way.
If
there's anything I can do...
KRAMER
puts his hand up to stop him from talking.
KRAMER
Tut
tut my good man. If you
would
just point me to the
person
in charge here, I think I
may
be able to enlighten you all
with
the fine toodling my father
bestowed
upon me.
PLUMBER
2
(Obviously
happy) Yes sir!
Right
this way.
FADE OUT:
END ACT I
ACT II
FADE IN:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
GEORGE is sitting on the
couch again. ELAINE is gone. The door
to the apartment opens
and JERRY walks in with his bags.
JERRY
Hey!
GEORGE
(Still
looking miserable) Hey.
JERRY
So
how'd it go?
GEORGE
I
wish I knew. Once again I was
witness
to the mysteries of
women.
If there was a course I
could
take on the subject, the
situation
last night would be
the
final exam.
JERRY
puts his bags on the floor behind the couch.
JERRY
(Sarcastically)
So. It went
well!
GEORGE
Besides
that, I had to run to
the
late night coffee shop all
night
to go to the bathroom.
I've
never had to go to the
bathroom
so much in all my life.
JERRY
Gotta
love that salsa.
KRAMER
barges in the door, still with his shoes in his hand and
his pants rolled up.
All his clothes look a bit wet.
GEORGE
(Sarcastically)
Here to see me?
KRAMER
(Looking
to JERRY) Jerry!
KRAMER
slaps his free hand to his shoe soles.
GEORGE
I
thought so.
GEORGE
gets up from the couch and walks over near JERRY
and
KRAMER.
JERRY
Yeah,
what's up?
KRAMER
Look,
I'm gonna get this water
thing
all fixed up. Someone's
just
gotta go check to see if
the
toilet in here works yet.
JERRY
How
are you supposed to fix
things?
KRAMER
On
the account of my father,
Pipey
Kramer - (proudly) The
Plumbing
King of New York.
GEORGE
Plumbing
King of New York?
KRAMER
That's
right. And I'm the
Plumbing
Prince.
JERRY
What
are you talking about -
Prince?
KRAMER
My
father was the best plumber
in
the city. He could unstop a
sewer
drain with a simple coat
hanger.
He had his own practice
not
too far from this apartment
here.
GEORGE
Own
practice? You make it sound
like
the guy was a doctor or
something.
KRAMER
Plumbing's
serious business in
this
city. I mean, go look at
that
basement sometime. I tell
ya,
it's no job for a mere
peasant
plumber.
JERRY
(Laughs
a bit) Yeah. But
Plumbing
Prince? C'mon!
GEORGE
laughs.
KRAMER
Yeah
yeah yeah. Well will
someone
just go on in there and
check
to see if the toilet
works.
I gotta job to do here.
GEORGE
Yeah.
Hold on.
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S BATHROOM - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
P.O.V. camera shot from
inside the toilet looking up towards the
bathroom's entrance. We
see GEORGE enter into the bathroom and
look down into the
toilet. He opens his mouth in horror and
disgust and runs out of
the room.
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE is pinned up
against the wall directly across from the
bathroom entrance. He is
holding his hand over his mouth.
JERRY
What
is it? What's wrong?
KRAMER
It
doesn't work yet?
GEORGE
slowly walks over to JERRY and KRAMER, still with his hand
over his mouth.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
pulls down his hand from his mouth and blurts out
angrily.
GEORGE
You
should know what's lurking
in
there! It is yours! Take a
look
for yourself!
JERRY
walks into the bathroom, looking very curious and
concerned.
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM -
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
P.O.V. camera shot from
the toilet as before. We see JERRY walk
in, talking behind
himself.
JERRY
What
is the matter with you?
What
could be so...
JERRY
looks into the toilet and has a very disgusted look on his
face. GEORGE is now
standing in the doorway but not looking in.
JERRY
Oh
my.
GEORGE
How
could you do it, Jer! How
could
you leave...it...in there
like
that for someone to
discover?
Amy discovered it
last
night and it scared her so
much
she ran five blocks to the
subway!
Do you have any
decency?
JERRY
Me?
Well...it...isn't mine! I
don't
even eat those! Maybe
it's
her...it...in there! Did
you
ever think of that?
GEORGE
No
way. She hates those! She's
allergic
to them!
KRAMER
walks into the bathroom. As he speaks, he looks into the
toilet.
KRAMER
What's
the probl...YAAAH!
JERRY
My
thoughts exactly. Did you
leave...it...in
here? Because
whoever
did is gonna pay for it.
KRAMER
Well
it ain't mine. That's a
plumber's
nightmare in there.
KRAMER
looks down to the floor.
KRAMER
Ho,
what's this?
KRAMER
bends down and picks up what looks like a magazine.
KRAMER
Interesting
reading material,
Jer.
JERRY
What?
Lemme see that.
JERRY
looks the catalog over and shows signs of anger.
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
JERRY and KRAMER exit
the bathroom and stand outside by its door.
JERRY
Can
you explain THIS?
JERRY
shoves the magazine into GEORGE'S chest.
GEORGE
(Shocked)
Hey! This is one of
those
catalogs I keep getting
with
all the...
JERRY
(Interrupting
GEORGE, still
angry)
I know what it is.
Would
you mind explaining how it
got
into my bathroom and how
it's
addressed to you?
GEORGE
(Shocked)
Well. I don't know
how
it got in there. I didn't
do
it! (Alerted) But I bet
whoever's...it...is
in there is
the
one responsible for sending
me
these catalogs.
JERRY
Well
what are we gonna do about
it?
This needs to be fixed!
KRAMER
Well
I can't fix that.
GEORGE
snaps his fingers.
GEORGE
You
know. If we find out who
eats
those, I bet we'll find out
who...it...belongs
to.
JERRY
Well
how are we supposed to do
that?
KRAMER
Well
you fellas can stand here
and
figure all that out. I got
more
work to do.
KRAMER
turns towards the bathroom door.
KRAMER
Watch
out. I'm going in.
KRAMER
holds his nose and runs into the bathroom. We hear him
trying to flush the
toilet. All that happens is the rattle of
the flush handle, but no
flush. He comes barreling out and gasps
for air.
JERRY
Oh
this is just great!
KRAMER
I'll
put a stop to this once and
for
all!
KRAMER
runs for the door.
CUT
TO:
INT:
SUPERMARKET - DAY
ELAINE is carrying a
small grocery basket which is filled with
jars. She walks down
one of the aisles and spots STEVE. She
notices that he is acting
strangely. We see that he is standing
behind his cart, peering
down one of the aisles. A beautiful
WOMAN comes up the
aisle, and as she does, he deliberately bumps
into her cart just as he
did with ELAINE the previous day. STEVE
and the WOMAN begin to
talk and laugh. ELAINE looks upset and
walks toward him.
STEVE
(Surprised)
Uh, Elaine! What
are
you doing here again?
ELAINE
Oh,
I thought I'd bring a basket
this
time and try my luck at the
market
again. Like this.
ELAINE
takes the basket and shoves it into STEVE'S gut. He bends
over in pain.
STEVE
OOF!
What...what..
The
WOMAN he was talking to looks totally shocked and begins to
cart away.
STEVE
(To
WOMAN) Wait. I...
ELAINE
Hmmm.
That didn't work. Let's
try
this.
We
can see now that STEVE is now wearing the same shoes that
KRAMER was wearing.
ELAINE stomps a foot down on one of them and
grinds down with her
heel. STEVE lets out with a yell of pain.
STEVE
Hey!
Do you know who these
shoes
belonged to?
ELAINE
takes STEVE'S cart and pushes it down the aisle.
ELAINE
Here's
looking at you...Jerk!
ELAINE
walks away smiling.
CUT
TO:
INT:
SUPERMARKET AISLE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
The carriage rolls down
the aisle and STEVE chases after it,
limping. It slams into
another carriage, but we do not see who
it belongs to yet.
STEVE then approaches and we see a look of
some horror on his face.
CUT
TO:
INT:
SUPERMARKET AISLE - P.O.V. STEVE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
We see the owner of the
other carriage, who is a very fat and
UGLY WOMAN. She is
smiling.
UGLY
WOMAN
Well.
Hello.
FADE OUT:
END ACT II
ACT III
FADE IN:
INT: BASEMENT OF
JERRY'S BUILDING - DAY
All the PLUMBERS are
gathered around KRAMER.
SUPERVISOR
Look,
we know who your father
was,
but you ain't no Plumbing
Prince.
We're getting real sick
of
you ordering us around like
we're
a bunch of bums.
PLUMBER
1
Yeah.
We've had it with you,
Cosmo.
Just let us do the job
our
way. We were almost
finished
anyway.
The
other PLUMBERS begin to express their agreement with
miscellaneous mumbings.
KRAMER
Gentlemen,
gentlemen. As
impossible
as it may seem, I am
the
Plumbing Prince of New York.
And
if you would all just follow
the
perfect plans I laid out for
you
all, we will have these
pipes
back to health in no time.
PLUMBER
2
Yeah,
but what's in it for us?
SUPERVISOR
Yeah.
What do we get by
following
your orders
(sarcastically)
oh mighty one?
KRAMER
Well...If
you all follow my
orders
precisely, I will, with
my
very hand, make you
all...uh...honorary
knights of
Pipey
Kramer.
PLUMBER
1
What?
You gotta be kidding!
SUPERVISOR
Let's
get outta here guys. This
guy's
nuts.
The
PLUMBERS begin to leave, mumbling.
KRAMER
Okay!
You will be nothing
without
a blessing from my hand!
You'll
be lucky to get work
snaking
a smoker's pipe with a
pipe
cleaner without my
knowledge
backing you up!
The
PLUMBERS have all left, and a leak bursts into KRAMER'S chest
from a pipe against the
wall. KRAMER, looking worried, slaps his
hand over the leak.
KRAMER
Guys!
Hey men! I have another
plan!
You'll like it much
better!
Another
leak bursts from the same pipe but a few feet across from
the first leak. KRAMER,
still holding his shoes, takes them to
his mouth and holds them
with his teeth. He uses that hand to
cover the other leak.
He is now mumbling wildly through his
teeth for the PLUMBERS
to return.
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
GEORGE is on the phone.
GEORGE
Well
(laughs) it's a funny
thing,
y'see. I'm not
responsible
for what you saw in
the
bathroom last night. It's a
complete
misunderstanding is all
it
is.
CUT
TO:
INT:
AMY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
The camera only shows
AMY on the phone from chest up.
AMY
I'm
not sure what you're talking
about.
*(As
each character speaks the camera cuts to their location)*
GEORGE
Well..y'know...The
embarrassing
oversight
in the toilet.
AMY
Oversight
in the toilet?
GEORGE
Y'know.
Someone
left...it...unflushed.
It's
quite
embarrassing actually.
AMY
More
like disgusting. Why are
you
telling me this, George?
GEORGE
Well...isn't
that why you ran
out
of here so quickly last
night?
AMY
I
have no idea what you're
talking
about, but I think it's
as
sick as the catalogs you
read.
Good bye, George!
AMY
slams down the phone.
GEORGE
has a shocked look on his face, still holding the
phone
to his ear.
CUT
TO:
INT:
BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
KRAMER is still holding
two leaks, one with each hand, and one
leak with one of his
feet. He has given up trying to yell for
help. Suddenly we see a
P.O.V. from KRAMER as he focuses into
one of his shoes. We
see a signature in one of them, "Humphrey
Bogart". The
camera cuts back to the previous shot, which shows
KRAMER'S excited look.
Another leak then sprouts directly in
front of his face,
causing him to let go of the shoes and drop
them into what is now a
foot of water. The leak is larger than
the other three and is
now spraying violently into KRAMER'S face.
He makes gestures to try
to block the spray with his tongue
somehow.
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE is no longer on
the phone and sits on the couch. JERRY is
in the kitchen.
GEORGE
My
life is over, Jerry. Now the
whole
world thinks I read those
catalogs.
She thinks it's all
some
kind of a sick joke I
played.
I'll never get a date
in
this town thanks to...it. Or
whoever's...it...it
is.
JERRY
Well,
we'll find the culprit.
Don't
you worry. I'll scavenge
every
corner of this building
until
I find the home where it
came
from. That person will
bring
it to its final resting
place.
Outside
JERRY'S apartment door we hear someone whistling "London
Bridges". JERRY
hears the whistling and listens closer. He then
heads for the door.
GEORGE
What?
What is it?
JERRY
(Angry)
I know that tune.
CUT
TO:
INT:
HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
We see the back of
NEWMAN walking down the hall, dressed in his
postman's uniform with a
large mail bag on his back. He is still
whistling the same tune.
JERRY'S door opens.
JERRY
Newman!
NEWMAN
stops whistling suddenly and stops walking, but does not
turn around.
NEWMAN
(Nervously)
Uh...yes Jerry?
JERRY
(Distrusting)
You didn't happen
to
see anyone come into my
apartment...say,
sometime
yesterday
morning...did you?
NEWMAN
remains with his back turned to JERRY.
NEWMAN
Uh...why,
no. I didn't see
anybody,
Jer. Heh heh.
JERRY
notices that there is a familiar looking catalog sticking
out of NEWMAN'S bag.
JERRY reaches over and snags the catalog
from the bag and looks
at it. JERRY has an angry look on his
face now.
JERRY
Turn
around, Newman.
NEWMAN
Uh...heh
heh.
JERRY
Turn
around!
NEWMAN
turns around and we see that his face is covered in
chocolate. In his hands
are "Chunky" wrappers. JERRY walks
closer to him and grabs
the wrappers.
JERRY
(Grimacing)
Give me that.
JERRY
reads the wrapper.
JERRY
Just
as I thought. With
peanuts!
NEWMAN
I'm
sorry, Jer! I thought that
it
was just my toilet that
wasn't
working, so when I saw
you
weren't around, I figured it
was
okay to use yours. I didn't
realize
it was the whole
building.
Honest!
JERRY
You!
Do you know what you did
to
poor George in there! His
life's
ruined because of these
catalogs!
You should be ashamed
of
yourself - using George as
the
scapegoat in your devilish
plot
to read cheap porn!
NEWMAN
I
know. I know. I did it all.
I'm
sorry!
JERRY
Go
in there and apologize to him
and
finish the job you started
in
there!
NEWMAN
sinks his head low and shuffles into JERRY'S apartment.
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S BATHROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
P.O.V. Toilet - Nobody
is in the room yet.
GEORGE
(O.C.)
Well
just get in there
and
get rid of it now. I'm
calling
Amy so you can explain
all
of this to her.
NEWMAN
(O.C.)
Okay
okay!
NEWMAN
enters and he peers into the toilet. He even has a
disgusted look on his
face. He reaches over to the toilet's
flush handle and pushes
it. We see that the toilet is working
and gurgling at the
force it's trying to put on what's being
flushed down.
JERRY
(O.C.)
Finally!
CUT
TO:
INT:
BASEMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
KRAMER is still fighting
with the water in his face. Suddenly,
the water in his face
stops, but the other leaks continue. He
looks relieved. A
couple of seconds go by, and then there is a
rumbling noise coming
from the pipes. He begins to look worried
as it get louder and the
pipes begin to rattle.
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE is holding the
phone out to NEWMAN.
GEORGE
(Angry)
Now you tell her you're
responsible,
or I swear I'll...
NEWMAN
reaches for the phone.
NEWMAN
Okay.
Okay. You don't need to
be
pushy.
O.C.
we hear an explosion and a blood curdling scream from
KRAMER in the basement.
FREEZE FRAME.
END ACT III
ACT IV
FADE IN:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT -
NIGHT
The apartment is empty
and dark except for a light coming from
under the bathroom door.
The apartment door opens and JERRY and
ELAINE enter. JERRY
turns on the lights to the apartment.
ELAINE is holding a
semi-full paper bag.
JERRY
"Here's
lookin' at you...Jerk?"
ELAINE
Well
it was all that I could
come
up with at the time. What,
you
think you can do better?
JERRY
Well
you certainly made it up by
making
him come face to face
with
two-ton Tara. I know I'd
think
twice about visiting the
supermarket
if I had close
encounters
with the three T's.
ELAINE
Three
T's?
JERRY
Yeah.
Two...Ton...Tara.
ELAINE
nods, understanding.
> From the bathroom
we hear what sounds almost like a woman in
"throws of
passion" or pain of some sort.
ELAINE
(Shocked)
What is that?
JERRY
(Shocked)
I dunno. I don't
remember
leaving the door
unlocked.
(Pause) (Angrily)
Unless...
JERRY
storms toward the bathroom door.
The noises continue.
JERRY
Newman!
I know it's you in
there
now come on out! I
thought
I told you not to come
in
here anymore!
JERRY
pounds on the bathroom door.
|