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SEINFELD: THE PLUMBING
PRINCE
Written
By
Keith
McDuffee
ACT I
FADE IN:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT -
MORNING
The apartment is empty.
NEWMAN is pounding on the apartment door
from the outside.
NEWMAN
(O.C.)
Jerry!?
C'Mon Jerry open up,
it's
Newman.
Knocking continues, then
the door slowly opens while NEWMAN
continues to knock, but
now gently. NEWMAN peeks into the
apartment.
NEWMAN
Jerry?
CUT
TO:
INT:
MONK'S CAFE - MORNING
GEORGE and JERRY sit at
their regular booth - GEORGE to the left
and JERRY to the right.
JERRY has several small pieces of
luggage with him (beside
his feet, O.C.). GEORGE has a sandwich and a
cup of coffee in front
of him. GEORGE watches a postman walk
into the cafe and hand
mail to the cashier.
GEORGE
Y'know,
I think the post office
is
out to get me.
JERRY
looks behind him at the postman who is walking out
the
door and turns back again.
JERRY
What,
you mean that guy?
GEORGE
No.
I mean the post office
organization.
JERRY
The
whole empire, huh?
(Exaggerated)
Well you picked
the
wrong group of people to
mess
with pal.
GEORGE
For
example, what did you get
for
mail yesterday?
JERRY
(Annoyed)
I dunno. A magazine, a
couple
of bills. Why, what do
they
send you when they're out
to
get ya?
GEORGE
(Pause)
Catalogs. (Pause) It's
unnatural
the number of catalogs
I
get.
JERRY
So
- what's wrong with catalogs?
GEORGE
looks at JERRY as if he should know what he is
talking
about.
JERRY
(Now
understanding)
Oh...Catalogs.
GEORGE
Ya.
Those catalogs.
JERRY
Well
how many of these catalogs
do
you get?
GEORGE
measures with his hands.
GEORGE
A
stack this high.
JERRY
Do
they have your name on them?
GEORGE
(Accentuates
with his hands)
George
Costanza.
JERRY
So
why haven't you thrown them
away?
GEORGE
(Embarrassed)
I have.
JERRY
Then
how can you have a stack
(uses
hands) this high?
GEORGE
(Shrugs)
Well you know how they
are.
(Pause) They're
illustrated.
JERRY
Well
you must be on some kind of
list.
GEORGE
A
list? How could I get on that
list?
JERRY
You
tell me.
GEORGE
I
have NO idea.
JERRY
Well
have you bought anything -
you
know - sexy lately?
GEORGE
C'mon,
Jer. Look who you're
talking
to here. The sexiest
thing
I've bought in recent
years
was a hairpiece. (Pause)
There's
only one explanation for
how
those catalog companies got
my
name. (Pause) The post
office.
It's a conspiracy to
get
me to buy the lustful things
from
these catalogs. You know
how
tempting it can get.
JERRY
(Wincing)
No. Not really.
GEORGE
Well
I'm gonna have to put a
stop
to it somehow. The only
problem
is, once I've stopped
the
catalogs from coming, who
knows
what those maniacs will
resort
to next.
JERRY
Well
maybe a bulletproof vest is
in
order.
GEORGE
(Worried)
Do you really think
they'd
resort to violence?
JERRY
gives GEORGE a look of disbelief.
A waitress walks by the
table.
GEORGE
(To
waitress) Excuse me.
Waitress?
The
waitress turns around.
GEORGE
(CONT'D)
Could
you please bring me some
hot
salsa? Please? Thank you.
The
waitress looks at him a little strange and walks
towards
the counter.
JERRY
Aren't
you taking this salsa
thing
a little too seriously?
GEORGE
Not
at all! Y'know I actually
read
that spicy foods burn fat?
Burn
fat, Jer! I'm telling ya,
the
Mexicans were onto something
when
they came up with this
stuff.
The
waitress comes back to the table and puts down a bowl of
salsa. GEORGE starts
putting the salsa in his sandwich.
JERRY
Really?
Well, hey, at this rate
you
could lose twenty pounds
without
ever leaving the booth.
GEORGE
That's
right. From now on, hot
stuff
on everything!
GEORGE
takes a bite of his sandwich. JERRY looks at him with a
grimace. Immediately
GEORGE looks bothered by how hot his
sandwich is and begins
to wipe his forehead with a napkin.
JERRY
I
can just see the pounds melt
away.
JERRY
looks at his watch.
JERRY
Oh
jeez, I gotta go.
JERRY
gets up from the table and picks up his two bags.
JERRY
(CONT'D)
Oh,
I almost forgot. You can't
use
the water in the apartment.
GEORGE
What?
Well why not?
JERRY
Yeah,
I guess the pipes in the
basement
are having trouble, so
they
shut off all the water in
the
building for a few days.
GEORGE
I'm
bringing Amy back there.
How
am I supposed to go to the
bathroom
all night?
JERRY
With
all that salsa you're
eating,
I'm sure you'll think of
something.
CUT
TO:
EXT:
SUPERMARKET - DAY
Close-up on a sign in
one of the windows that reads: "ON SALE
TOMORROW ONLY: SALSA -
BUY 3 FOR PRICE OF 1"
INT: SUPERMARKET -
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
ELAINE is pushing a cart
and reading the label on the back of a
jar. As she rounds the
end of the aisle, another cart rams into
her cart.
ELAINE
Hey!
Watch where you're g...
ELAINE
looks up into the face of STEVE, who is pushing the
other
cart.
STEVE
Pardon
me. Completely my fault.
STEVE
smiles and ELAINE smiles back, looking a little
embarrassed
and blushing.
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The lights are out as
the door opens. GEORGE enters and turns
the lights on. He is
nicely dressed. With him is his date, AMY
who is also dressed
nicely and is laughing.
GEORGE
I
just had to give that guy the
space.
I mean, I've seen people
do
some pretty crazy things to
get
a parking space before, but
tap
dance while singing "me and
my
shadow"? I tell ya, he
deserved
it.
GEORGE
takes AMY'S coat and hangs it near the door. AMY
is
still holding her purse.
AMY
I
know! You know, I actually
saw
these two guys who fought
over
who got to the parking spot
space
first, and they wouldn't
leave
all day. Can you imagine
that?
GEORGE
(Nervously)
Huh. Imagine that.
AMY
As
a matter of fact, one of them
had
a car just like...
GEORGE
(Interrupting)
Uh, Amy! Would
you
care for something to drink?
AMY
(A
little surprised) Um. Sure.
Just
a glass of spring water is
fine.
I just need to freshen up
real
quick. Can I use your
bathroom?
GEORGE
Sure
thing.
GEORGE
points to the bathroom.
GEORGE
It's
right in there. Just don't
use
the toilet. The plumbing's
not
working properly. You know
how
it is.
AMY
Okay.
(Sexy) Be out in a sec.
AMY
walks into the bathroom and GEORGE has a confident look about
him. He walks into the
kitchen and opens the refrigerator while
whistling "London
Bridges". About five seconds later, AMY runs
out of the bathroom
without saying anything, grabs her coat and
runs out the door.
GEORGE watches her, dumbfounded.
GEORGE
Amy?
What's wrong!? Amy!
GEORGE
runs to the door.
CUT
TO:
INT:
HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE
Amy!
CUT
TO:
INT:
JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING
GEORGE is slouched in
the couch watching television. The
apartment door opens and
in slides KRAMER.
KRAMER
Hey.
Jerry back yet?
GEORGE
(Glumly)
Nah. Not until this
afternoon.
KRAMER
So
- I hear you had a date last
night.
How'd it go?
GEORGE
I
don't know. Everything was
great
- dinner - movie - get
back
to the apartment and ZOOM -
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