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The Plumbing Prince

SEINFELD: THE PLUMBING PRINCE

 

        Written By

 

        Keith McDuffee

 

ACT I

 

FADE IN:

 

INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING

 

The apartment is empty. NEWMAN is pounding on the apartment door

 

from the outside.

 

        NEWMAN (O.C.)

 

        Jerry!? C'Mon Jerry open up,

 

        it's Newman.

 

Knocking continues, then the door slowly opens while NEWMAN

 

continues to knock, but now gently. NEWMAN peeks into the

 

apartment.

 

        NEWMAN

 

        Jerry?

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: MONK'S CAFE - MORNING

 

GEORGE and JERRY sit at their regular booth - GEORGE to the left

 

and JERRY to the right. JERRY has several small pieces of

 

luggage with him (beside his feet, O.C.). GEORGE has a sandwich and a

 

cup of coffee in front of him. GEORGE watches a postman walk

 

into the cafe and hand mail to the cashier.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Y'know, I think the post office

 

        is out to get me.

 

        JERRY looks behind him at the postman who is walking out

 

        the door and turns back again.

 

        JERRY

 

        What, you mean that guy?

 

        GEORGE

 

        No. I mean the post office

 

        organization.

 

        JERRY

 

        The whole empire, huh?

 

        (Exaggerated) Well you picked

 

        the wrong group of people to

 

        mess with pal.

 

        GEORGE

 

        For example, what did you get

 

        for mail yesterday?

 

        JERRY

 

        (Annoyed) I dunno. A magazine, a

 

        couple of bills. Why, what do

 

        they send you when they're out

 

        to get ya?

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Pause) Catalogs. (Pause) It's

 

        unnatural the number of catalogs

 

        I get.

 

        JERRY

 

        So - what's wrong with catalogs?

 

        GEORGE looks at JERRY as if he should know what he is

 

        talking about.

 

        JERRY

 

        (Now understanding)

 

        Oh...Catalogs.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Ya. Those catalogs.

 

        JERRY

 

        Well how many of these catalogs

 

        do you get?

 

        GEORGE measures with his hands.

 

        GEORGE

 

        A stack this high.

 

        JERRY

 

        Do they have your name on them?

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Accentuates with his hands)

 

        George Costanza.

 

        JERRY

 

        So why haven't you thrown them

 

        away?

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Embarrassed) I have.

 

        JERRY

 

        Then how can you have a stack

 

        (uses hands) this high?

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Shrugs) Well you know how they

 

        are. (Pause) They're

 

        illustrated.

 

        JERRY

 

        Well you must be on some kind of

 

        list.

 

        GEORGE

 

        A list? How could I get on that

 

        list?

 

        JERRY

 

        You tell me.

 

        GEORGE

 

        I have NO idea.

 

        JERRY

 

        Well have you bought anything -

 

        you know - sexy lately?

 

        GEORGE

 

        C'mon, Jer. Look who you're

 

        talking to here. The sexiest

 

        thing I've bought in recent

 

        years was a hairpiece. (Pause)

 

        There's only one explanation for

 

        how those catalog companies got

 

        my name. (Pause) The post

 

        office. It's a conspiracy to

 

        get me to buy the lustful things

 

        from these catalogs. You know

 

        how tempting it can get.

 

        JERRY

 

        (Wincing) No. Not really.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Well I'm gonna have to put a

 

        stop to it somehow. The only

 

        problem is, once I've stopped

 

        the catalogs from coming, who

 

        knows what those maniacs will

 

        resort to next.

 

        JERRY

 

        Well maybe a bulletproof vest is

 

        in order.

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Worried) Do you really think

 

        they'd resort to violence?

 

        JERRY gives GEORGE a look of disbelief.

 

A waitress walks by the table.

 

        GEORGE

 

        (To waitress) Excuse me.

 

        Waitress?

 

        The waitress turns around.

 

        GEORGE (CONT'D)

 

        Could you please bring me some

 

        hot salsa? Please? Thank you.

 

        The waitress looks at him a little strange and walks

 

        towards the counter.

 

        JERRY

 

        Aren't you taking this salsa

 

        thing a little too seriously?

 

        GEORGE

 

        Not at all! Y'know I actually

 

        read that spicy foods burn fat?

 

        Burn fat, Jer! I'm telling ya,

 

        the Mexicans were onto something

 

        when they came up with this

 

        stuff.

 

        The waitress comes back to the table and puts down a bowl of

 

salsa. GEORGE starts putting the salsa in his sandwich.

 

        JERRY

 

        Really? Well, hey, at this rate

 

        you could lose twenty pounds

 

        without ever leaving the booth.

 

        GEORGE

 

        That's right. From now on, hot

 

        stuff on everything!

 

        GEORGE takes a bite of his sandwich. JERRY looks at him with a

 

grimace. Immediately GEORGE looks bothered by how hot his

 

sandwich is and begins to wipe his forehead with a napkin.

 

        JERRY

 

        I can just see the pounds melt

 

        away.

 

        JERRY looks at his watch.

 

        JERRY

 

        Oh jeez, I gotta go.

 

        JERRY gets up from the table and picks up his two bags.

 

        JERRY (CONT'D)

 

        Oh, I almost forgot. You can't

 

        use the water in the apartment.

 

        GEORGE

 

        What? Well why not?

 

        JERRY

 

        Yeah, I guess the pipes in the

 

        basement are having trouble, so

 

        they shut off all the water in

 

        the building for a few days.

 

        GEORGE

 

        I'm bringing Amy back there.

 

        How am I supposed to go to the

 

        bathroom all night?

 

        JERRY

 

        With all that salsa you're

 

        eating, I'm sure you'll think of

 

        something.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        EXT: SUPERMARKET - DAY

 

Close-up on a sign in one of the windows that reads: "ON SALE

 

TOMORROW ONLY: SALSA - BUY 3 FOR PRICE OF 1"

 

INT: SUPERMARKET - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

ELAINE is pushing a cart and reading the label on the back of a

 

jar. As she rounds the end of the aisle, another cart rams into

 

her cart.

 

        ELAINE

 

        Hey! Watch where you're g...

 

        ELAINE looks up into the face of STEVE, who is pushing the

 

        other cart.

 

        STEVE

 

        Pardon me. Completely my fault.

 

        STEVE smiles and ELAINE smiles back, looking a little

 

        embarrassed and blushing.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

 

The lights are out as the door opens. GEORGE enters and turns

 

the lights on. He is nicely dressed. With him is his date, AMY

 

who is also dressed nicely and is laughing.

 

        GEORGE

 

        I just had to give that guy the

 

        space. I mean, I've seen people

 

        do some pretty crazy things to

 

        get a parking space before, but

 

        tap dance while singing "me and

 

        my shadow"? I tell ya, he

 

        deserved it.

 

        GEORGE takes AMY'S coat and hangs it near the door. AMY

 

        is still holding her purse.

 

        AMY

 

        I know! You know, I actually

 

        saw these two guys who fought

 

        over who got to the parking spot

 

        space first, and they wouldn't

 

        leave all day. Can you imagine

 

        that?

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Nervously) Huh. Imagine that.

 

        AMY

 

        As a matter of fact, one of them

 

        had a car just like...

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Interrupting) Uh, Amy! Would

 

        you care for something to drink?

 

        AMY

 

        (A little surprised) Um. Sure.

 

        Just a glass of spring water is

 

        fine. I just need to freshen up

 

        real quick. Can I use your

 

        bathroom?

 

        GEORGE

 

        Sure thing.

 

        GEORGE points to the bathroom.

 

        GEORGE

 

        It's right in there. Just don't

 

        use the toilet. The plumbing's

 

        not working properly. You know

 

        how it is.

 

        AMY

 

        Okay. (Sexy) Be out in a sec.

 

        AMY walks into the bathroom and GEORGE has a confident look about

 

him. He walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator while

 

whistling "London Bridges". About five seconds later, AMY runs

 

out of the bathroom without saying anything, grabs her coat and

 

runs out the door. GEORGE watches her, dumbfounded.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Amy? What's wrong!? Amy!

 

        GEORGE runs to the door.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

        GEORGE

 

        Amy!

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING

 

GEORGE is slouched in the couch watching television. The

 

apartment door opens and in slides KRAMER.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Hey. Jerry back yet?

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Glumly) Nah. Not until this

 

        afternoon.

 

        KRAMER

 

        So - I hear you had a date last

 

        night. How'd it go?

 

        GEORGE

 

        I don't know. Everything was

 

        great - dinner - movie - get

 

        back to the apartment and ZOOM -

 

        right out the door without

 

        saying a word. I can't

 

        understand it.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Well with all the excitement

 

        going on yesterday morning I

 

        figured you were all set.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Excitement? What excitement?

 

        KRAMER

 

        You know. The sounds of a woman

 

        in throws of passion.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Throws of passion? Well I wish

 

        I was here when it happened

 

        because nothing at all happened

 

        last night. Besides, nobody was

 

        here until after twelve o'clock.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Well, you coulda fooled me.

 

        The buzzer sounds. Nobody moves to answer it. KRAMER looks

 

nervously at GEORGE and the buzzer. It buzzes again.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Well aren't you gonna answer

 

        that?

 

        GEORGE

 

        Nah. You go ahead. It's

 

        probably Elaine. She probably

 

        thinks Jerry's back, too.

 

        Nobody's here to see me.

 

        KRAMER

 

        But perhaps not my friend. That

 

        may be the answer you are

 

        waiting for

 

        KRAMER points to the buzzer.

 

        KRAMER (CONT'D)

 

        right there. That could be Amy,

 

        back to explain everything. I

 

        think you should answer it.

 

        GEORGE

 

        It's not her.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Oh - but what if it is?

 

        The buzzer sounds again.

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Obviously annoyed) Will you

 

        just answer the damn buzzer!

 

        KRAMER

 

        (Shaken) Well you don't have to

 

        be so pushy!

 

        KRAMER (INTO INTERCOM)

 

        Yello! Seinfeld residence -

 

        this is Kramer.

 

        ELAINE (O.C.)

 

        It's me. Is Jerry back yet?

 

        KRAMER (INTO INTERCOM)

 

        Nope. C'mon up!

 

        KRAMER presses the buzzer and opens the door.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Ya see. No one's here to see

 

        me.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Hey hey. Cheer up pal. I'm

 

        here to see ya. I wanted to

 

        show you what I bought down at

 

        the auction yesterday.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Oh yeah. What's that?

 

        KRAMER excitedly walks to the coffee table and slams one

 

        of his feet down on the table. It is shod with a very

 

        strange looking dress shoe that looks tattered.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Look at that baby!

 

        GEORGE

 

        So it's a shoe.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Oh this is no ordinary shoe my

 

        friend.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Okay. It's an ugly shoe. One

 

        half of a pair of ugly shoes.

 

        So what's the big deal?

 

        ELAINE walks in the door.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Elaine. Come over here and

 

        check these babies out.

 

        ELIANE

 

        (Wincing) Where'd you get those

 

        hideous shoes?

 

        KRAMER

 

        Down at the auction yesterday.

 

        I got them for a steal. Do you

 

        know who once wore these shoes?

 

        ELAINE

 

        The wino who sits outside

 

        Greene's?

 

        KRAMER

 

        Get this. (Excited) Humphrey

 

        Bogart. Bogey himself wore

 

        these here shoes!

 

        GEORGE

 

        What, did he trek through the

 

        Sierra Madre with those on?

 

        They're ready to crumble to

 

        pieces.

 

        ELAINE

 

        Now how do you know those are

 

        actually his shoes?

 

        KRAMER

 

        Well why else would they start

 

        bidding at one-thousand dollars?

 

        ELAINE

 

        One-thousand?! Are you crazy?!

 

        GEORGE

 

        Yeah. I'd like to see some

 

        proof before I'd pay a thousand

 

        bucks for a crummy pair of

 

        shoes.

 

        KRAMER

 

        These are no crummy shoes!

 

        They're hand crafted especially

 

        for the man. They're one of a

 

        kind. And man I tell ya, these

 

        babies are real comfortable.

 

        Bogey sure knew how to walk in

 

        style.

 

        KRAMER puts his foot down and does a studly strut towards

 

        the kitchen.

 

        ELAINE

 

        Y'know, I bet if you could prove

 

        they were his, this guy I just

 

        met would pay top dollar for

 

        those. He's a major, major

 

        Bogart fan.

 

        KRAMER opens the refrigerator door.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Ho! Were'd you meet this guy?

 

        ELAINE

 

        I met him in the grocery store

 

        yesterday. His cart just like

 

        accidentally (slaps her hands

 

        together) slammed into mine

 

        right out of the blue.

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Nodding and smirking)

 

        Accidentally, huh?

 

        ELAINE

 

        What, you think he did it on

 

        purpose to meet me?

 

        GEORGE shrugs his shoulders.

 

        KRAMER is still rummaging through the refrigerator.

 

        ELAINE

 

        C'mon! That's ridiculous! What

 

        kind of a low life would

 

        actually go out of their way and

 

        do something like that to meet

 

        women?

 

        GEORGE looks around the room, looking guilty.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Yeah, well, can you think of a

 

        better way for a low life to

 

        meet women?

 

        ELAINE

 

        C'mon! That's silly! He's not

 

        the type of guy who would do

 

        something like that.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Okay. Okay. Well then to prove

 

        me wrong, why don't you go on

 

        back to the same store today and

 

        see if he's there again. If I'm

 

        right, he'll be there knowing

 

        the odds of you being there

 

        again are incalculable.

 

        ELAINE

 

        Why would I need to go there

 

        again? I was just there

 

        yesterday. You think I'm a

 

        grocery story junkie or

 

        something?

 

        GEORGE

 

        Well, can you go for me? I

 

        gotta be here when Jerry gets

 

        back and there's a sale on salsa

 

        there today.

 

        KRAMER closes the refrigerator door and has an apple in

 

        his hand.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Mmm. Salsa. Love that HOT

 

        salsa! Burns fat away, y'know.

 

        GEORGE stands up from the couch.

 

        GEORGE

 

        That's right. That's right!

 

        C'mon Elaine, just go down and

 

        pick me up a dozen jars or so.

 

        I'll pay you back later.

 

        ELAINE

 

        Well. Okay. But you'll owe me,

 

        and then I'll prove you wrong

 

        while I'm there. (Pause) I gotta

 

        use the bathroom.

 

        GEORGE

 

        No! The water's off in the

 

        building. You can't use it

 

        until tonight.

 

        ELAINE

 

        (Sarcastically) So, okay. I

 

        guess I'll just come back

 

        tonight just to use Jerry's

 

        bathroom.

 

        KRAMER walks towards the door.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Where are you going?

 

        KRAMER

 

        I'm gonna put a stop to this.

 

        Those bums down there don't know

 

        a pipe from a tree branch. I'll

 

        show 'em who's boss around here.

 

        They don't call me the Plumbing

 

        Prince for nothing you know!

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - SHORTLY FOLLOWING

 

The basement has an inch of water on the floor and there are

 

several PLUMBERS working on the pipes at various levels along the

 

walls. KRAMER enters. His shoes are in one hand and his pants

 

are rolled up to his knees.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Hey! What's the hold up down

 

        here? I wanna take a shower

 

        sometime today!

 

        PLUMBER 1

 

        What the hell are you doing down

 

        here? We're taking care of the

 

        problem mister, so just go on

 

        back to your apartment an you'll

 

        be splashin' around in your tub

 

        with your rubber ducky in no time.

 

        A couple of PLUMBERS chuckle.

 

        KRAMER surveys the plumbers at work and the water on the

 

        floor.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Well. You guys are going about

 

        it all wrong.

 

        PLUMBER 1

 

        What are you talking about?

 

        PLUMBER 2

 

        Yeah. Who do you think you are,

 

        coming down here trying to tell

 

        us our business?

 

        KRAMER

 

        Why, I'm Kramer. Cosmo Kramer

 

        as a matter of fact.

 

        The two PLUMBERS look surprised and look at each other

 

        with gaping mouths.

 

        PLUMBER 1

 

        Did you say Cosmo Kramer?

 

        KRAMER

 

        That's right. Cosmo Kramer!

 

        PLUMBER 2

 

        Cosmo. Son of Pipey Kramer?

 

        PLUMBER 1

 

        Pipey, the Plumbing King of New

 

        York?

 

        KRAMER

 

        The very same.

 

        The two PLUMBERS take off their hard hats.

 

        PLUMBER 1

 

        Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Kramer! If I

 

        had known who you were I would

 

        have never treated you that way.

 

        If there's anything I can do...

 

        KRAMER puts his hand up to stop him from talking.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Tut tut my good man. If you

 

        would just point me to the

 

        person in charge here, I think I

 

        may be able to enlighten you all

 

        with the fine toodling my father

 

        bestowed upon me.

 

        PLUMBER 2

 

        (Obviously happy) Yes sir!

 

        Right this way.

 

        

 

FADE OUT:

 

END ACT I

 

ACT II

 

FADE IN:

 

        INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

 

GEORGE is sitting on the couch again. ELAINE is gone. The door

 

to the apartment opens and JERRY walks in with his bags.

 

        JERRY

 

        Hey!

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Still looking miserable) Hey.

 

        JERRY

 

        So how'd it go?

 

        GEORGE

 

        I wish I knew. Once again I was

 

        witness to the mysteries of

 

        women. If there was a course I

 

        could take on the subject, the

 

        situation last night would be

 

        the final exam.

 

        JERRY puts his bags on the floor behind the couch.

 

        JERRY

 

        (Sarcastically) So. It went

 

        well!

 

        GEORGE

 

        Besides that, I had to run to

 

        the late night coffee shop all

 

        night to go to the bathroom.

 

        I've never had to go to the

 

        bathroom so much in all my life.

 

        JERRY

 

        Gotta love that salsa.

 

        KRAMER barges in the door, still with his shoes in his hand and

 

his pants rolled up. All his clothes look a bit wet.

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Sarcastically) Here to see me?

 

        KRAMER

 

        (Looking to JERRY) Jerry!

 

        KRAMER slaps his free hand to his shoe soles.

 

        GEORGE

 

        I thought so.

 

        GEORGE gets up from the couch and walks over near JERRY

 

        and KRAMER.

 

        JERRY

 

        Yeah, what's up?

 

        KRAMER

 

        Look, I'm gonna get this water

 

        thing all fixed up. Someone's

 

        just gotta go check to see if

 

        the toilet in here works yet.

 

        JERRY

 

        How are you supposed to fix

 

        things?

 

        KRAMER

 

        On the account of my father,

 

        Pipey Kramer - (proudly) The

 

        Plumbing King of New York.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Plumbing King of New York?

 

        KRAMER

 

        That's right. And I'm the

 

        Plumbing Prince.

 

        JERRY

 

        What are you talking about -

 

        Prince?

 

        KRAMER

 

        My father was the best plumber

 

        in the city. He could unstop a

 

        sewer drain with a simple coat

 

        hanger. He had his own practice

 

        not too far from this apartment

 

        here.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Own practice? You make it sound

 

        like the guy was a doctor or

 

        something.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Plumbing's serious business in

 

        this city. I mean, go look at

 

        that basement sometime. I tell

 

        ya, it's no job for a mere

 

        peasant plumber.

 

        JERRY

 

        (Laughs a bit) Yeah. But

 

        Plumbing Prince? C'mon!

 

        GEORGE laughs.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Yeah yeah yeah. Well will

 

        someone just go on in there and

 

        check to see if the toilet

 

        works. I gotta job to do here.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Yeah. Hold on.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

P.O.V. camera shot from inside the toilet looking up towards the

 

bathroom's entrance. We see GEORGE enter into the bathroom and

 

look down into the toilet. He opens his mouth in horror and

 

disgust and runs out of the room.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

GEORGE is pinned up against the wall directly across from the

 

bathroom entrance. He is holding his hand over his mouth.

 

        JERRY

 

        What is it? What's wrong?

 

        KRAMER

 

        It doesn't work yet?

 

        GEORGE slowly walks over to JERRY and KRAMER, still with his hand

 

over his mouth.

 

        JERRY

 

        What?

 

        GEORGE pulls down his hand from his mouth and blurts out

 

        angrily.

 

        GEORGE

 

        You should know what's lurking

 

        in there! It is yours! Take a

 

        look for yourself!

 

        JERRY walks into the bathroom, looking very curious and

 

concerned.

 

INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

P.O.V. camera shot from the toilet as before. We see JERRY walk

 

in, talking behind himself.

 

        JERRY

 

        What is the matter with you?

 

        What could be so...

 

        JERRY looks into the toilet and has a very disgusted look on his

 

face. GEORGE is now standing in the doorway but not looking in.

 

        JERRY

 

        Oh my.

 

        GEORGE

 

        How could you do it, Jer! How

 

        could you leave...it...in there

 

        like that for someone to

 

        discover? Amy discovered it

 

        last night and it scared her so

 

        much she ran five blocks to the

 

        subway! Do you have any

 

        decency?

 

        JERRY

 

        Me? Well...it...isn't mine! I

 

        don't even eat those! Maybe

 

        it's her...it...in there! Did

 

        you ever think of that?

 

        GEORGE

 

        No way. She hates those! She's

 

        allergic to them!

 

        KRAMER walks into the bathroom. As he speaks, he looks into the

 

toilet.

 

        KRAMER

 

        What's the probl...YAAAH!

 

        JERRY

 

        My thoughts exactly. Did you

 

        leave...it...in here? Because

 

        whoever did is gonna pay for it.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Well it ain't mine. That's a

 

        plumber's nightmare in there.

 

        KRAMER looks down to the floor.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Ho, what's this?

 

        KRAMER bends down and picks up what looks like a magazine.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Interesting reading material,

 

        Jer.

 

        JERRY

 

        What? Lemme see that.

 

        JERRY looks the catalog over and shows signs of anger.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

JERRY and KRAMER exit the bathroom and stand outside by its door.

 

        JERRY

 

        Can you explain THIS?

 

        JERRY shoves the magazine into GEORGE'S chest.

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Shocked) Hey! This is one of

 

        those catalogs I keep getting

 

        with all the...

 

        JERRY

 

        (Interrupting GEORGE, still

 

        angry) I know what it is.

 

        Would you mind explaining how it

 

        got into my bathroom and how

 

        it's addressed to you?

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Shocked) Well. I don't know

 

        how it got in there. I didn't

 

        do it! (Alerted) But I bet

 

        whoever's...it...is in there is

 

        the one responsible for sending

 

        me these catalogs.

 

        JERRY

 

        Well what are we gonna do about

 

        it? This needs to be fixed!

 

        KRAMER

 

        Well I can't fix that.

 

        GEORGE snaps his fingers.

 

        GEORGE

 

        You know. If we find out who

 

        eats those, I bet we'll find out

 

        who...it...belongs to.

 

        JERRY

 

        Well how are we supposed to do

 

        that?

 

        KRAMER

 

        Well you fellas can stand here

 

        and figure all that out. I got

 

        more work to do.

 

        KRAMER turns towards the bathroom door.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Watch out. I'm going in.

 

        KRAMER holds his nose and runs into the bathroom. We hear him

 

trying to flush the toilet. All that happens is the rattle of

 

the flush handle, but no flush. He comes barreling out and gasps

 

for air.

 

        JERRY

 

        Oh this is just great!

 

        KRAMER

 

        I'll put a stop to this once and

 

        for all!

 

        KRAMER runs for the door.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: SUPERMARKET - DAY

 

ELAINE is carrying a small grocery basket which is filled with

 

jars. She walks down one of the aisles and spots STEVE. She

 

notices that he is acting strangely. We see that he is standing

 

behind his cart, peering down one of the aisles. A beautiful

 

WOMAN comes up the aisle, and as she does, he deliberately bumps

 

into her cart just as he did with ELAINE the previous day. STEVE

 

and the WOMAN begin to talk and laugh. ELAINE looks upset and

 

walks toward him.

 

        STEVE

 

        (Surprised) Uh, Elaine! What

 

        are you doing here again?

 

        ELAINE

 

        Oh, I thought I'd bring a basket

 

        this time and try my luck at the

 

        market again. Like this.

 

        ELAINE takes the basket and shoves it into STEVE'S gut. He bends

 

over in pain.

 

        STEVE

 

        OOF! What...what..

 

        The WOMAN he was talking to looks totally shocked and begins to

 

cart away.

 

        STEVE

 

        (To WOMAN) Wait. I...

 

        ELAINE

 

        Hmmm. That didn't work. Let's

 

        try this.

 

        We can see now that STEVE is now wearing the same shoes that

 

KRAMER was wearing. ELAINE stomps a foot down on one of them and

 

grinds down with her heel. STEVE lets out with a yell of pain.

 

        STEVE

 

        Hey! Do you know who these

 

        shoes belonged to?

 

        ELAINE takes STEVE'S cart and pushes it down the aisle.

 

        ELAINE

 

        Here's looking at you...Jerk!

 

        ELAINE walks away smiling.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: SUPERMARKET AISLE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

The carriage rolls down the aisle and STEVE chases after it,

 

limping. It slams into another carriage, but we do not see who

 

it belongs to yet. STEVE then approaches and we see a look of

 

some horror on his face.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: SUPERMARKET AISLE - P.O.V. STEVE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

We see the owner of the other carriage, who is a very fat and

 

UGLY WOMAN. She is smiling.

 

        UGLY WOMAN

 

        Well. Hello.

 

        

 

FADE OUT:

 

END ACT II

 

ACT III

 

FADE IN:

 

INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - DAY

 

All the PLUMBERS are gathered around KRAMER.

 

        SUPERVISOR

 

        Look, we know who your father

 

        was, but you ain't no Plumbing

 

        Prince. We're getting real sick

 

        of you ordering us around like

 

        we're a bunch of bums.

 

        PLUMBER 1

 

        Yeah. We've had it with you,

 

        Cosmo. Just let us do the job

 

        our way. We were almost

 

        finished anyway.

 

        The other PLUMBERS begin to express their agreement with

 

miscellaneous mumbings.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Gentlemen, gentlemen. As

 

        impossible as it may seem, I am

 

        the Plumbing Prince of New York.

 

        And if you would all just follow

 

        the perfect plans I laid out for

 

        you all, we will have these

 

        pipes back to health in no time.

 

        PLUMBER 2

 

        Yeah, but what's in it for us?

 

        SUPERVISOR

 

        Yeah. What do we get by

 

        following your orders

 

        (sarcastically) oh mighty one?

 

        KRAMER

 

        Well...If you all follow my

 

        orders precisely, I will, with

 

        my very hand, make you

 

        all...uh...honorary knights of

 

        Pipey Kramer.

 

        PLUMBER 1

 

        What? You gotta be kidding!

 

        SUPERVISOR

 

        Let's get outta here guys. This

 

        guy's nuts.

 

        The PLUMBERS begin to leave, mumbling.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Okay! You will be nothing

 

        without a blessing from my hand!

 

        You'll be lucky to get work

 

        snaking a smoker's pipe with a

 

        pipe cleaner without my

 

        knowledge backing you up!

 

        The PLUMBERS have all left, and a leak bursts into KRAMER'S chest

 

from a pipe against the wall. KRAMER, looking worried, slaps his

 

hand over the leak.

 

        KRAMER

 

        Guys! Hey men! I have another

 

        plan! You'll like it much

 

        better!

 

        Another leak bursts from the same pipe but a few feet across from

 

the first leak. KRAMER, still holding his shoes, takes them to

 

his mouth and holds them with his teeth. He uses that hand to

 

cover the other leak. He is now mumbling wildly through his

 

teeth for the PLUMBERS to return.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

 

GEORGE is on the phone.

 

        GEORGE

 

        Well (laughs) it's a funny

 

        thing, y'see. I'm not

 

        responsible for what you saw in

 

        the bathroom last night. It's a

 

        complete misunderstanding is all

 

        it is.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: AMY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

The camera only shows AMY on the phone from chest up.

 

        AMY

 

        I'm not sure what you're talking

 

        about.

 

        *(As each character speaks the camera cuts to their location)*

 

        GEORGE

 

        Well..y'know...The embarrassing

 

        oversight in the toilet.

 

        AMY

 

        Oversight in the toilet?

 

        GEORGE

 

        Y'know. Someone

 

        left...it...unflushed. It's

 

        quite embarrassing actually.

 

        AMY

 

        More like disgusting. Why are

 

        you telling me this, George?

 

        GEORGE

 

        Well...isn't that why you ran

 

        out of here so quickly last

 

        night?

 

        AMY

 

        I have no idea what you're

 

        talking about, but I think it's

 

        as sick as the catalogs you

 

        read. Good bye, George!

 

        AMY slams down the phone.

 

        GEORGE has a shocked look on his face, still holding the

 

        phone to his ear.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

KRAMER is still holding two leaks, one with each hand, and one

 

leak with one of his feet. He has given up trying to yell for

 

help. Suddenly we see a P.O.V. from KRAMER as he focuses into

 

one of his shoes. We see a signature in one of them, "Humphrey

 

Bogart". The camera cuts back to the previous shot, which shows

 

KRAMER'S excited look. Another leak then sprouts directly in

 

front of his face, causing him to let go of the shoes and drop

 

them into what is now a foot of water. The leak is larger than

 

the other three and is now spraying violently into KRAMER'S face.

 

He makes gestures to try to block the spray with his tongue

 

somehow.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

GEORGE is no longer on the phone and sits on the couch. JERRY is

 

in the kitchen.

 

        GEORGE

 

        My life is over, Jerry. Now the

 

        whole world thinks I read those

 

        catalogs. She thinks it's all

 

        some kind of a sick joke I

 

        played. I'll never get a date

 

        in this town thanks to...it. Or

 

        whoever's...it...it is.

 

        JERRY

 

        Well, we'll find the culprit.

 

        Don't you worry. I'll scavenge

 

        every corner of this building

 

        until I find the home where it

 

        came from. That person will

 

        bring it to its final resting

 

        place.

 

        Outside JERRY'S apartment door we hear someone whistling "London

 

Bridges". JERRY hears the whistling and listens closer. He then

 

heads for the door.

 

        GEORGE

 

        What? What is it?

 

        JERRY

 

        (Angry) I know that tune.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

We see the back of NEWMAN walking down the hall, dressed in his

 

postman's uniform with a large mail bag on his back. He is still

 

whistling the same tune. JERRY'S door opens.

 

        JERRY

 

        Newman!

 

        NEWMAN stops whistling suddenly and stops walking, but does not

 

turn around.

 

        NEWMAN

 

        (Nervously) Uh...yes Jerry?

 

        JERRY

 

        (Distrusting) You didn't happen

 

        to see anyone come into my

 

        apartment...say, sometime

 

        yesterday morning...did you?

 

        NEWMAN remains with his back turned to JERRY.

 

        NEWMAN

 

        Uh...why, no. I didn't see

 

        anybody, Jer. Heh heh.

 

        JERRY notices that there is a familiar looking catalog sticking

 

out of NEWMAN'S bag. JERRY reaches over and snags the catalog

 

from the bag and looks at it. JERRY has an angry look on his

 

face now.

 

        JERRY

 

        Turn around, Newman.

 

        NEWMAN

 

        Uh...heh heh.

 

        JERRY

 

        Turn around!

 

        NEWMAN turns around and we see that his face is covered in

 

chocolate. In his hands are "Chunky" wrappers. JERRY walks

 

closer to him and grabs the wrappers.

 

        JERRY

 

        (Grimacing) Give me that.

 

        JERRY reads the wrapper.

 

        JERRY

 

        Just as I thought. With

 

        peanuts!

 

        NEWMAN

 

        I'm sorry, Jer! I thought that

 

        it was just my toilet that

 

        wasn't working, so when I saw

 

        you weren't around, I figured it

 

        was okay to use yours. I didn't

 

        realize it was the whole

 

        building. Honest!

 

        JERRY

 

        You! Do you know what you did

 

        to poor George in there! His

 

        life's ruined because of these

 

        catalogs! You should be ashamed

 

        of yourself - using George as

 

        the scapegoat in your devilish

 

        plot to read cheap porn!

 

        NEWMAN

 

        I know. I know. I did it all.

 

        I'm sorry!

 

        JERRY

 

        Go in there and apologize to him

 

        and finish the job you started

 

        in there!

 

        NEWMAN sinks his head low and shuffles into JERRY'S apartment.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

 

P.O.V. Toilet - Nobody is in the room yet.

 

        GEORGE (O.C.)

 

        Well just get in there

 

        and get rid of it now. I'm

 

        calling Amy so you can explain

 

        all of this to her.

 

        NEWMAN (O.C.)

 

        Okay okay!

 

        NEWMAN enters and he peers into the toilet. He even has a

 

disgusted look on his face. He reaches over to the toilet's

 

flush handle and pushes it. We see that the toilet is working

 

and gurgling at the force it's trying to put on what's being

 

flushed down.

 

        JERRY (O.C.)

 

        Finally!

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: BASEMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

KRAMER is still fighting with the water in his face. Suddenly,

 

the water in his face stops, but the other leaks continue. He

 

looks relieved. A couple of seconds go by, and then there is a

 

rumbling noise coming from the pipes. He begins to look worried

 

as it get louder and the pipes begin to rattle.

 

        CUT TO:

 

        INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

 

GEORGE is holding the phone out to NEWMAN.

 

        GEORGE

 

        (Angry) Now you tell her you're

 

        responsible, or I swear I'll...

 

        NEWMAN reaches for the phone.

 

        NEWMAN

 

        Okay. Okay. You don't need to

 

        be pushy.

 

        O.C. we hear an explosion and a blood curdling scream from

 

KRAMER in the basement.

 

FREEZE FRAME.

 

END ACT III

 

ACT IV

 

FADE IN:

 

INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

 

The apartment is empty and dark except for a light coming from

 

under the bathroom door. The apartment door opens and JERRY and

 

ELAINE enter. JERRY turns on the lights to the apartment.

 

ELAINE is holding a semi-full paper bag.

 

        JERRY

 

        "Here's lookin' at you...Jerk?"

 

        ELAINE

 

        Well it was all that I could

 

        come up with at the time. What,

 

        you think you can do better?

 

        JERRY

 

        Well you certainly made it up by

 

        making him come face to face

 

        with two-ton Tara. I know I'd

 

        think twice about visiting the

 

        supermarket if I had close

 

        encounters with the three T's.

 

        ELAINE

 

        Three T's?

 

        JERRY

 

        Yeah. Two...Ton...Tara.

 

        ELAINE nods, understanding.

 

> From the bathroom we hear what sounds almost like a woman in

 

"throws of passion" or pain of some sort.

 

        ELAINE

 

        (Shocked) What is that?

 

        JERRY

 

        (Shocked) I dunno. I don't

 

        remember leaving the door

 

        unlocked. (Pause) (Angrily)

 

        Unless...

 

        JERRY storms toward the bathroom door.

 

The noises continue.

 

        JERRY

 

        Newman! I know it's you in

 

        there now come on out! I

 

        thought I told you not to come

 

        in here anymore!

 

        JERRY pounds on the bathroom door.

 

        The noises stop.

 

        JERRY

 

        (Angrily) Newman!

 

        There's no answer.

 

        JERRY

 

        (More angrily) That's it Newman.

 

        I'm giving you one last chance.

 

        I'm gonna leave for ten minutes,

 

        and when I get back you'd better

 

        be gone. Understand?

 

        Still no answer.

 

        JERRY turns and walks towards ELAINE. ELAINE puts the

 

        paper bag she has down on the counter.

 

        JERRY

 

        (Angrily) C'mon. Let's go.

 

        He'd better be gone when I get

 

        back.

 

        JERRY and ELAINE leave and close the door behind them. We then

 

hear that familiar whistling of "London Bridges" come from the

 

bathroom.

 

FADE OUT:

 

END ACT IV

 

END

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