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The Pit Stain

  
THE PIT STAIN
By: Pete F.

 Scene 1: Coffee Shop

 JERRY IS SITTING DOWN AND GEORGE COMES IN AND JOINS HIM

 GEORGE: I just met the most incredible woman!

 JERRY: Oh really…….?

 GEORGE: Yes, and we’re going out TONIGHT.

 JERRY: There you go Georgy boy.

 GEORGE: We just met 15 minutes ago and boy did we hit it off!

 ELAINE WALKS IN AND SITS DOWN

 ELAINE: What are you so excited about? (talking to George)

 JERRY: George has a big date tonight.

 ELAINE: Oh yeah? What’s her name?

 GEORGE: Jill. And guess what? She thinks baldness is sexy.

 ELAINE: She thinks baldness is sexy?

 GEORGE: Oh yeah… I think I may have found the perfect woman here.

 JERRY: If she likes baldies she might like fatties too.

 GEORGE: Very funny

 JERRY: I need to go and get myself a new pair of sneakers.

 GEORGE: What do you need new sneakers for?

 JERRY: Eh… these ones just aren’t getting the job done. Do you want to come?

 GEORGE: Nah, I need to prepare for the big night.

 JERRY: Alright.

 ELAINE: Hey I’ll go with you.

 JERRY: Ok, lets go

 Scene 2: Shoe Store

 JERRY AND ELAINE ARE OUTSIDE THE SHOE STORE

 JERRY: I’m afraid to walk in……

 ELAINE: Why? This is a shoe store….

 JERRY: I hate shoe shopping. Every time I go there’s always someone coming to me and wanting to help me.

 ELAINE: So what’s wrong with that?

 JERRY: All I want to do is go in there and get a pair of sneakers. I go in there, find a pair of sneakers and then the salesman is just standing right there….. watching me tie the shoes, watching me put them on, watching me walk back and forth down the aisle in the shoes. Can’t they just leave me alone?

 ELAINE: Ah…. Quit being a baby, they’re just trying to help.

 JERRY AND ELAINE WALK INTO THE STORE

 SALESMAN: HELLO, can I help you find anything?

 JERRY: No, that’s all right.

 SALEMAN: Ok, but I’ll be right here if you need anything.

 JERRY: Yeah, thanks.

 JERRY AND ELAINE START WALKING DOWN AN AISLE. ELAINE POINTS AT A PAIR OF SHOES

 ELAINE: How about these?

 JERRY: Nah, those aren’t me.

 ELAINE POINTS AT ANOTHER PAIR

 ELAINE: Hey, these look nice.

 JERRY: No, no, no. Not those ones.

 ELAINE: Well will you hurry up and pick something……

 JERRY: Hey these look good….

 JERRY PICKS UP THE PAIR OF SHOES. THE SALESMAN THEN WALKS OVER

 SALEMAN: So you like those?

 JERRY: Uh yeah…..

 JERRY THINKS TO HIMSELF IN HIS HEAD “GO AWAY…..”
 
JERRY PUTS ON THE SHOES

 SALESMAN: Would you like me to tie those for you?

 JERRY: No, I can do it.

 JERRY TIES THE SHOES. THE SALESMAN THEN FEELS THE TOE OF THE SHOE

 JERRY: What are you doing?

 SALEMAN: I’m seeing how much space your toes have.

 JERRY: Oh they have space, and it’s good space.

 JERRY THEN WALKS UP AND DOWN THE AISLE IN THE SHOES

 JERRY: Yes, these are comfortable shoes.

 SALESMAN: Ok if you come this way I can help you check out.

 JERRY AND ELAINE WALK TO THE DESK AND CHECK OUT

 SALESMAN: Thanks for coming and come again!

 JERRY AND ELAINE WALK OUT OF THE STORE

 JERRY: I hate that guy and I HATE shoe shopping!

 ELAINE AND ROLLS HER EYES

 Scene 3: George’s Apartment

 GEORGE AND JILL WALK INTO THE APARTMENT

 GEORGE: Can I take your coat?

 JILL: Yes you can….

 GEORGE TAKES HER COAT AND PUTS IT ON THE COAT RACK. HE THEN TAKES OFF HIS COAT AND REACHES TOWARD THE HOOK AND JILL CATCHES A GLIMPSE OF HIS ARM PIT STAIN. GEORGE LOOKS BACK AT JILL.

 GEORGE: So uh…. what do you want to do…..? (big smile on his face)

 JILL: You know what, I think I have to go….

 GEORGE: What? But you just got here!

 GEORGE RAISES UP HIS ARMS IN ANGUISH. JILL LOOKS AT HIM IN DISGUST.

 JILL: Disgusting!

 GEORGE: WHAT!?!

 JILL WALKS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR. THEN GEORGE NOTICES HIS PIT STAINS.

 GEORGE: Oh no….. my pits! I’ve got pit stains!

 GEORGE GRABS HIS COAT AND LEAVES

 Scene 4: Jerry’s Apartment

 GEORGE WALKS IN SLOWLY AS JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV

 GEORGE: Well, it’s over!

 JERRY: What?

 GEORGE: That’s right, over, done, finished!

 ELAINE: What happened?

 GEORGE: She saw my pit stains!

 JERRY: She saw your pit stains!?!

 GEORGE: Oh yeah Jerry! She saw my pit stains!

 ELAINE AND JERRY START LAUGHING

 ELAINE: You do use deodorant don’t you?

 GEORGE: Yes, I use deodorant. My deodorant just can’t handle me.

 JERRY LAUGHS

 JERRY: You got dumped because of pit stains.

 GEORGE SHAKES HIS HEAD, TAKES OFF HIS COAT AND THEN TAKES A SEAT. KRAMER THEN COMES THROUGH THE DOOR.

 KRAMER: What’s your problem? (Referring to George)

 GEORGE: Bad date.

 JERRY: Oh not just any bad date. Why don’t you tell Kramer what happened George?

 GEORGE: Um….. NO.

 KRAMER: Come on George, what happened?

 GEORGE: I don’t want to talk about it.

 KRAMER: Come on, tell me…..

 GEORGE: NO!

 ELAINE: George has pit stains….

 KRAMER: Pit stains…? Lets see George….

 KRAMER WALKS OVER TO GEORGE

 GEORGE: Kramer go away!

 KRAMER STARTS TRYING TO LOOK UNDER GEORGE’S ARMPITS AND GEORGE HAS HIS ARMS DOWN TIGHT.

 KRAMER: Just show me George.

 GEORGE: NEVER!

 KRAMER: George show me your pits…..

 GEORGE: I’m not showing you my pits.

 KRAMER: Oh come on…

 GEORGE: Fine….

 GEORGE RAISES UP HIS ARMS

 KRAMER: GEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 GEORGE LOOKS DOWN AND KRAMER HAS A STUNNED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE

 KRAMER: Well didn’t you use deodorant!?!

 GEORGE: YES, I used deodorant……

 KRAMER: You should use what I use, The Good Stuff.

 GEORGE: The Good Stuff?

 KRAMER: Yeah, Newman told me about it.

 GEORGE: Newman…..?

 KRAMER: Yeah, it keeps you dry all day.

 JERRY: That’s good. The last thing I’d ever want to see is Newman’s sweaty pits.

 KRAMER THEN PATS GEORGE ON THE SHOULDER.

 KRAMER: Yep, you need The Good Stuff.

 Scene 5: The Coffee Shop

 JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER ARE ALL SITTING DOWN

 KRAMER: So George how is the good stuff treating you today?

 GEORGE: FINE. You see? No pit stains!

 ELAINE: Congratulations George, you’re pit stain free.

 NEWMAN THEN WALKS INTO THE COFFEE SHOP WITH HIS ARM AROUND JILL. THEY WALK TOWARDS THE GANG.

 NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.

 JERRY: Hello Newman.

 GEORGE: Newman…..? Jill what are you doing with Newman?

 JILL: I needed a man that kept himself fresh.

 GEORGE RAISES HIS ARMS

 GEORGE: I am fresh! You see? I’m fresh!!!

 JILL: Save it George….

 NEWMAN: You see George, women like men who use The Good Stuff….. Hahaha….

 NEWMAN AND JILL THEN WALK AND SIT AT A TABLE.

 JERRY: I told you George, if she liked baldies she’d like the fatties too…….

 GEORGE LOOKS AT JERRY WITH A PUZZLED SHOW ON HIS FACE AND THE SHOW ENDS

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