THE PIT STAIN
By: Pete F.
Scene 1: Coffee Shop
JERRY IS SITTING DOWN AND GEORGE COMES IN AND JOINS HIM
GEORGE: I just met the most incredible woman!
JERRY: Oh really…….?
GEORGE: Yes, and we’re going out TONIGHT.
JERRY: There you go Georgy boy.
GEORGE: We just met 15 minutes ago and boy did we hit it off!
ELAINE WALKS IN AND SITS DOWN
ELAINE: What are you so excited about? (talking to George)
JERRY: George has a big date tonight.
ELAINE: Oh yeah? What’s her name?
GEORGE: Jill. And guess what? She thinks baldness is sexy.
ELAINE: She thinks baldness is sexy?
GEORGE: Oh yeah… I think I may have found the perfect woman here.
JERRY: If she likes baldies she might like fatties too.
GEORGE: Very funny
JERRY: I need to go and get myself a new pair of sneakers.
GEORGE: What do you need new sneakers for?
JERRY: Eh… these ones just aren’t getting the job done. Do you want to come?
GEORGE: Nah, I need to prepare for the big night.
ELAINE: Hey I’ll go with you.
JERRY: Ok, lets go
Scene 2: Shoe Store
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE OUTSIDE THE SHOE STORE
JERRY: I’m afraid to walk in……
ELAINE: Why? This is a shoe store….
JERRY: I hate shoe shopping. Every time I go there’s always someone coming to me and wanting to help me.
ELAINE: So what’s wrong with that?
JERRY: All I want to do is go in there and get a pair of sneakers. I go in there, find a pair of sneakers and then the salesman is just standing right there….. watching me tie the shoes, watching me put them on, watching me walk back and forth down the aisle in the shoes. Can’t they just leave me alone?
ELAINE: Ah…. Quit being a baby, they’re just trying to help.
JERRY AND ELAINE WALK INTO THE STORE
SALESMAN: HELLO, can I help you find anything?
JERRY: No, that’s all right.
SALEMAN: Ok, but I’ll be right here if you need anything.
JERRY: Yeah, thanks.
JERRY AND ELAINE START WALKING DOWN AN AISLE. ELAINE POINTS AT A PAIR OF SHOES
ELAINE: How about these?
JERRY: Nah, those aren’t me.
ELAINE POINTS AT ANOTHER PAIR
ELAINE: Hey, these look nice.
JERRY: No, no, no. Not those ones.
ELAINE: Well will you hurry up and pick something……
JERRY: Hey these look good….
JERRY PICKS UP THE PAIR OF SHOES. THE SALESMAN THEN WALKS OVER
SALEMAN: So you like those?
JERRY: Uh yeah…..
JERRY THINKS TO HIMSELF IN HIS HEAD “GO AWAY…..”
JERRY PUTS ON THE SHOES
SALESMAN: Would you like me to tie those for you?
JERRY: No, I can do it.
JERRY TIES THE SHOES. THE SALESMAN THEN FEELS THE TOE OF THE SHOE
JERRY: What are you doing?
SALEMAN: I’m seeing how much space your toes have.
JERRY: Oh they have space, and it’s good space.
JERRY THEN WALKS UP AND DOWN THE AISLE IN THE SHOES
JERRY: Yes, these are comfortable shoes.
SALESMAN: Ok if you come this way I can help you check out.
JERRY AND ELAINE WALK TO THE DESK AND CHECK OUT
SALESMAN: Thanks for coming and come again!
JERRY AND ELAINE WALK OUT OF THE STORE
JERRY: I hate that guy and I HATE shoe shopping!
ELAINE AND ROLLS HER EYES
Scene 3: George’s Apartment
GEORGE AND JILL WALK INTO THE APARTMENT
GEORGE: Can I take your coat?
JILL: Yes you can….
GEORGE TAKES HER COAT AND PUTS IT ON THE COAT RACK. HE THEN TAKES OFF HIS COAT AND REACHES TOWARD THE HOOK AND JILL CATCHES A GLIMPSE OF HIS ARM PIT STAIN. GEORGE LOOKS BACK AT JILL.
GEORGE: So uh…. what do you want to do…..? (big smile on his face)
JILL: You know what, I think I have to go….
GEORGE: What? But you just got here!
GEORGE RAISES UP HIS ARMS IN ANGUISH. JILL LOOKS AT HIM IN DISGUST.
JILL WALKS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR. THEN GEORGE NOTICES HIS PIT STAINS.
GEORGE: Oh no….. my pits! I’ve got pit stains!
GEORGE GRABS HIS COAT AND LEAVES
Scene 4: Jerry’s Apartment
GEORGE WALKS IN SLOWLY AS JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV
GEORGE: Well, it’s over!
GEORGE: That’s right, over, done, finished!
ELAINE: What happened?
GEORGE: She saw my pit stains!
JERRY: She saw your pit stains!?!
GEORGE: Oh yeah Jerry! She saw my pit stains!
ELAINE AND JERRY START LAUGHING
ELAINE: You do use deodorant don’t you?
GEORGE: Yes, I use deodorant. My deodorant just can’t handle me.
JERRY: You got dumped because of pit stains.
GEORGE SHAKES HIS HEAD, TAKES OFF HIS COAT AND THEN TAKES A SEAT. KRAMER THEN COMES THROUGH THE DOOR.
KRAMER: What’s your problem? (Referring to George)
GEORGE: Bad date.
JERRY: Oh not just any bad date. Why don’t you tell Kramer what happened George?
GEORGE: Um….. NO.
KRAMER: Come on George, what happened?
GEORGE: I don’t want to talk about it.
KRAMER: Come on, tell me…..
ELAINE: George has pit stains….
KRAMER: Pit stains…? Lets see George….
KRAMER WALKS OVER TO GEORGE
GEORGE: Kramer go away!
KRAMER STARTS TRYING TO LOOK UNDER GEORGE’S ARMPITS AND GEORGE HAS HIS ARMS DOWN TIGHT.
KRAMER: Just show me George.
KRAMER: George show me your pits…..
GEORGE: I’m not showing you my pits.
KRAMER: Oh come on…
GEORGE RAISES UP HIS ARMS
GEORGE LOOKS DOWN AND KRAMER HAS A STUNNED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE
KRAMER: Well didn’t you use deodorant!?!
GEORGE: YES, I used deodorant……
KRAMER: You should use what I use, The Good Stuff.
GEORGE: The Good Stuff?
KRAMER: Yeah, Newman told me about it.
KRAMER: Yeah, it keeps you dry all day.
JERRY: That’s good. The last thing I’d ever want to see is Newman’s sweaty pits.
KRAMER THEN PATS GEORGE ON THE SHOULDER.
KRAMER: Yep, you need The Good Stuff.
Scene 5: The Coffee Shop
JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER ARE ALL SITTING DOWN
KRAMER: So George how is the good stuff treating you today?
GEORGE: FINE. You see? No pit stains!
ELAINE: Congratulations George, you’re pit stain free.
NEWMAN THEN WALKS INTO THE COFFEE SHOP WITH HIS ARM AROUND JILL. THEY WALK TOWARDS THE GANG.
NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.
JERRY: Hello Newman.
GEORGE: Newman…..? Jill what are you doing with Newman?
JILL: I needed a man that kept himself fresh.
GEORGE RAISES HIS ARMS
GEORGE: I am fresh! You see? I’m fresh!!!
JILL: Save it George….
NEWMAN: You see George, women like men who use The Good Stuff….. Hahaha….
NEWMAN AND JILL THEN WALK AND SIT AT A TABLE.
JERRY: I told you George, if she liked baldies she’d like the fatties too…….
GEORGE LOOKS AT JERRY WITH A PUZZLED SHOW ON HIS FACE AND THE SHOW ENDS