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THE SIMPSONS
"THE OPPOSITE OF SOMETHING"
By
Dana
L Goudreault
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT: SPRINGFIELD COMMUNITY
CHURCH - NIGHT
The church message board reads:
MONTE CARLO NIGHT TO SUPPORT GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS
"All denominations accepted"
The Simpsons are seen walking toward the church amongst other
Springfield residents.
INT: CHURCH RECREATIONAL HALL - CONTINUOUS
The
inside of the church is filled with smoke and betting
tables. A panning shot shows several of the booths names and
a large banner with cigarettes reads:
"Larimar Cigarettes supports your right to gamble with your
life." Bart walks up to a dunking booth where Rev. Lovejoy
is sitting atop. The pit below him is filled with bright red
dye. The sign reads:
$1 Break the communal wafer and send the reverend to HELL!
BART
What gives reverend?
REV. LOVEJOY
Hello Bart. Glad to see you here
supporting this blessed event during
United Religions week. We're very
fortunate to have the help of several
other religions for this worthy cause.
Here's your chance to humble me for
the sake of charity. Do you
have
what it takes to break the wafer?
BART
No problemo.
Bart grabs a hollow plastic ball out of the bucket and groans
to himself. He throws the ball and hits the wafer, but it
just bounces off.
REV. LOVEJOY
Breaking the wafer requires the power
of God's will...
Bart grabs another ball and reaches into his back pocket for
his trusty slingshot. BANG! The wafer is broken and Rev.
Lovejoy splashes into the tank. He lifts himself halfway out
of the tank.
REV. LOVEJOY
...or the cunning of a devil's child.
BART
(LAUGHING) See you at the confessional
booth, Reverend.
REV. LOVEJOY
Oh please Lord, just once let me
replace the penance of prayer with
the joy
of a crucifixion.
Marge and Maggie are sitting at a slot machine.
MARGE
OK Maggie, cross your fingers for
good luck.
The machine shows three crucifixes, one of which is upside
down. Marge pulls the lever and one red apple shows, followed
by another red apple and finally a third red apple with a
bite taken out of it.
MARGE
(first apple) Wooo! (second
apple)
Woo Wooo! (third apple) D'oh!
Nelson is getting ready to play "The Hand of God", a claw
game that is set up to look like the arm of God. Rod and
Todd are running the game. The machine is filled with knives,
brass knuckles, cigarettes and heavy metal cd's, etc.
RODD
Hi, would you like to try your
luck
and help us do God's work?
TODD
It's all for a great cause.
NELSON
Whoa, is that an AC/DC cd I see?
Cool, here's your buck.
RODD & TODD
God bless you!
Nelson maneuvers the arm and stops it right above the Back
in
Black cd. The hand of God reaches down and firmly grasps
it.
NELSON
Alright!! I got it! I got it!
This is the coolest game I've ever
played!
The hand of God moves towards the dispenser chute of the
machine, turns palm side up and crushes the cd into pieces.
Nelsons face goes totally blank. Nelson cups his hands by
the opening and catches all the pieces in his hand and you
hear the Lord's voice say...
GOD
Haa! Haa!
Rodd & Todd jump for joy.
RODD
& TODD
Yeahhh!!!
CUT TO:
Homer and Lisa are walking around the hall. They pass a
booth where Apu and Manjula are running a Whack the Cobra
game in which three snakes keep rising up out of pots and
Milhouse is seen trying to whack them back down.
HOMER
OK Lisa, which game do you want to
play?
LISA
I'm not playing any games, I'm ashamed
to even be in here.
HOMER
Hey,
it's nice to support your local
church in all these holy functions.
LISA
Holy? You call raising money by
gambling a holy cause?
HOMER
Of course Honey, it's God's way of
giving us a glimpse of his heavenly
paradise. Not all of us can make it
out
to Atlantic City or Las Vegas
every weekend, so he allows the local
churches to take the show on the
road, just like Neil Diamond
wrote in that song I like. You know...
(singing loudly) "It's Love, Brother
Love's Traveling Salvation Show..."
LISA
Dad!!!
HOMER
"Pack up the babies and grab the old
ladies..."
LISA
Daaaaddd!!!!!!!
HOMER
OK,
you don't have to play if you
don't want to, but don't ruin my
fun. I wanna take this church for
all it's got!
(Bowing his head in prayer)
Please God, let me win everything!
I've memorized the ten commandments
and swear to you and Allah, I will
live by your rules.
Homer and Lisa walk up to a booth run by Ned Flanders.
FLANDERS
Hi-diddly-ho, neighborino's.
HOMER
(IN A MANNER OF JERRY
SEINFELD
GREETING
HIS SWORN ENEMY NEWMAN)
Hello Flanders.
LISA
Hi, Mr. Flanders.
HOMER
So, what's the gimmick?
We see a roulette wheel with Roman numerals. Instead of odd
or even, it's good or evil and red or black is replaced with
a halo or horns. The double zero is replaced with a triple
6.
FLANDERS
Well my friend, all you have to do
is make the right decision.
Choose
where the marble will land and you
win. It's that simple.
HOMER
What can I win?
FLANDERS
Well, if it lands on a good number
or symbol, you win gift certificates
to the Holy goods gift shop at the
rear of the church.
HOMER
And if evil wins?
FLANDERS
Well, we haven't had many takers of
the evil side today, Homer, but...
If you choose and win, you'll receive
either
$10 worth of Springfield's
Instant lottery scratch tickets, a
dozen donuts, a twelve pack of Duff
beer or all three.
HOMER
Woo Hoo!!! A little homer devil
appears above Homer's right shoulder
and starts singing.
LIL HOMER DEVIL
I am evil Homer. I am evil
Homer.
I am evil Homer. I am evil
Homer.
LISA
You're on your own, Dad.
Lisa walks off.
FLANDERS
Care to place a donation Homer?
HOMER
With pleasure. I'll take evil.
Homer places a one dollar bill on evil.
FLANDERS
I'd have to say that's a bad decision,
Homer.
HOMER
Quiet preachy and spin the wheel!
FLANDERS
Okily dokily.
The marble lands on 24 good.
FLANDERS
Good, a winner again!
HOMER
D'oh!!!
FLANDERS
It's not too late to seek redemption,
how about...
HOMER
How about $10 on the horns of hell
and shut up or I'll be confessing to
murder at the confession booth!
FLANDERS
Alright, but you were warned.
The marble lands on 29 halo.
FLANDERS
and a halo a winner again!
HOMER
D'oh!!
A little Homer Angel appears above Homer's shoulder.
LIL HOMER ANGEL
C'mon Homer, you know evil never
pays.
HOMER
How can it, the goody two shoes have
all
the money. (walking off muttering)
Lousy Flanders.
Homer makes his way to a booth run by Krusty. There are 3
shells and a white ball on the table.
KRUSTY
Hey, Hey!! Step right up and make a
fortune. Just pick which cup the
ball is under and win big! How about
you buddy, you look bright enough?
HOMER
I don't know. I just lost my shirt
to Flander's and his stupid game.
KRUSTY
I've been seeing that happen all
day. I tell you what, I'll make it
so a moron can win and you give me a
cut of the winnings...deal?
HOMER
OK, but make it
easy.
Homer places a $20 bill on the table.
KRUSTY
Just keep your eye on my hands and
remember where the ball is.
Krusty places the ball under
the right shell and then moves
both shells around very slowly without picking them up and
ends up with his hands in the very same position he started
in, making it obvious where the ball is.
KRUSTY
OK my good man, where's the ball?
Homer, looking totally confident, points to the left shell.
HOMER
That one.
KRUSTY
No, you putz...It's right here where
I put it!
HOMER
D'oh!! Easy enough for a moron, ehh?
KRUSTY
Look, my mistake, I gave you too
much credit. Try again and this time
pay really close attention.
Homer plunks down another $20 and this time Krusty once
again places the ball under the right shell and then moves
them ever so slightly, keeping them right in the same place.
KRUSTY
OK
Champ, show me the ball.
Homer with a confident look again, points to the left shell.
HOMER
That one.
Close up on Krusty, his face aghast with shock. He grabs
Homer by the collar.
KRUSTY
Look, if you're with that Candid
Camera show, I'M NOT LAUGHING!!
Homer, dejected, walks away. He sees a nun sitting in a chair
with a sign above her that says "Pick one for a $1.00 ".
HOMER
Alright, what's your angle?
NUN
I
have no angle dear, I'm just here
to help this church do God's work.
These are only games, they take no
thought, just a willingness to give.
Homer reaches into his wallet and finds his last $1 bill.
HOMER
Well, GIVE is my first, last and
middle name here tonight. But you
look like the friendly caring face
I've been searching for . Do you
think God will let me win just once?
NUN
Only true fools are tortured souls.
You
cast a shadow of Wisdom and
kindness, it's my belief the Lord
has great rewards for you.
Homer smiles with a look of contentment and hands the nun
his last dollar. The nun takes the dollar, puts her hands
under the table and then brings them back up with clenched
fists.
NUN
Thank you sir. Now, which hand would
you like?
Homer with a confident look points to the right hand.
HOMER
That one.
The nun opens her hand and a $2 bill is shown.
HOMER
Woo Hoo!!! In your face lady, I'm a
winner! Woo Hoo!!
The nun, still smiling, opens her other hand and shows a
$100 bill.
HOMER
D'oh!!!!!!!
The gang comes together near the exit of the church and there
is a final table with a giant grab bag on top.
MARGE
So,
how did everybody make out?
BART
Well, for 3 bucks, I was able to
send the Reverend to hell, AND win
this super cool x-box game David &
Goliath, which promises to be
bloodfilled throughout.
A close up of the box and then to lisa.
LISA
You better learn how to read big
brother, that says Davey & Goliath
and I'm pretty sure there wont be
any blood, just lots and lots of
clay.
BART
D'oh! I knew that shepherd was leading
me astray.
They all turn towards Homer, who is sulking.
MARGE
How did you do,
Homey?
HOMER
(CRYING)
Everything I tried, I failed at.
I
lost all my money and even the nuns
wont take pity on me.
LISA
Oh cheer up Dad, at least you'll
leave here knowing your money is
going to brighten some poor
unfortunates life.
HOMER
Yeah, but now, unfortunately I'm
poor.
BART
Hey, check this out. A grab bag full
of goodies and it's free.
Marge reaches in and pulls out a t-shirt that shows Jim &
Tammy Faye Baker riding a rollercoaster with their hands in
the air, full of money.
MARGE
Heyyy! I lost my shirt at Heritage
USA, now this will make up for it.
Lisa reaches in and pulls out a box full of Jelly Belly
communal wafers.
LISA
(SARCASTICALLY)
Ohhh great, they're tropical flavored.
Bart reaches in and pulls out an x-box game.
BART
Davey & Goliath II, This time it's
biblical....(SARCASTICALLY) great.
MARGE
OK Homey, here's your chance to go
home a winner.
Homer reaches into the bag and then immediately screams out
loud in pain.
HOMER
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Attached to Homer's finger is one of his old Springfield
Olympic Mascots, Springy. Blood is flowing from his hand.
HOMER
I thought I had seen the last of
these when I flushed them down the
toilet!
Homer starts to twist the mascot, but Lisa yells.
LISA
Wait Dad!! You might be holding a
valuable collectible. Most
of them
were destroyed at the bottom of
Springfield Harbor.
Homer pauses, with a quizzical look on his face, then proceeds
to stretch the springy apart.
HOMER
Die, you lousy piece of junk!
Homer coils it into a ball and throws it wildly. It sails
through the crowd and hits the communal wafer at Rev.
Lovejoy's booth. It makes a crack in the wafer and slowly
starts to split. A close up of
a red-faced Rev. Lovejoy.
REV. LOVEJOY
Oh, Damn.
The Reverend falls again into the pits of hell.
FADE OUT:
Act Two
SCENE 2
FADE IN:
INT. MARGE & HOMER'S BEDROOM - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT
Homer and Marge are in bed, Marge is trying to sleep while
Homer is watching TV.
MARGE
C'mon Homer, turn off the TV and go
to sleep.
HOMER
Easy for you to say, you're riding
high on your big winnings.
MARGE
It was a t-shirt Homer...big deal!
HOMER
Well it would be big for me, at least
you won something.Everything I tried
for avoided me. Now I need a little
TV to help put me to sleep.
Marge pulls the pillow over her head.
MARGE
Alright Homer, but you'll be sorry
in the morning.
Homer flicks the channels till he comes to Ted Koppell on
Nightline. Homer starts to sneer, but keeps watching. A close
up of the TV.
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