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THE SIMPSONS
"THE OPPOSITE OF SOMETHING"
By
Dana
L Goudreault
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT: SPRINGFIELD COMMUNITY
CHURCH - NIGHT
The church message board reads:
MONTE CARLO NIGHT TO SUPPORT GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS
"All denominations accepted"
The Simpsons are seen walking toward the church amongst other
Springfield residents.
INT: CHURCH RECREATIONAL HALL - CONTINUOUS
The
inside of the church is filled with smoke and betting
tables. A panning shot shows several of the booths names and
a large banner with cigarettes reads:
"Larimar Cigarettes supports your right to gamble with your
life." Bart walks up to a dunking booth where Rev. Lovejoy
is sitting atop. The pit below him is filled with bright red
dye. The sign reads:
$1 Break the communal wafer and send the reverend to HELL!
BART
What gives reverend?
REV. LOVEJOY
Hello Bart. Glad to see you here
supporting this blessed event during
United Religions week. We're very
fortunate to have the help of several
other religions for this worthy cause.
Here's your chance to humble me for
the sake of charity. Do you
have
what it takes to break the wafer?
BART
No problemo.
Bart grabs a hollow plastic ball out of the bucket and groans
to himself. He throws the ball and hits the wafer, but it
just bounces off.
REV. LOVEJOY
Breaking the wafer requires the power
of God's will...
Bart grabs another ball and reaches into his back pocket for
his trusty slingshot. BANG! The wafer is broken and Rev.
Lovejoy splashes into the tank. He lifts himself halfway out
of the tank.
REV. LOVEJOY
...or the cunning of a devil's child.
BART
(LAUGHING) See you at the confessional
booth, Reverend.
REV. LOVEJOY
Oh please Lord, just once let me
replace the penance of prayer with
the joy
of a crucifixion.
Marge and Maggie are sitting at a slot machine.
MARGE
OK Maggie, cross your fingers for
good luck.
The machine shows three crucifixes, one of which is upside
down. Marge pulls the lever and one red apple shows, followed
by another red apple and finally a third red apple with a
bite taken out of it.
MARGE
(first apple) Wooo! (second
apple)
Woo Wooo! (third apple) D'oh!
Nelson is getting ready to play "The Hand of God", a claw
game that is set up to look like the arm of God. Rod and
Todd are running the game. The machine is filled with knives,
brass knuckles, cigarettes and heavy metal cd's, etc.
RODD
Hi, would you like to try your
luck
and help us do God's work?
TODD
It's all for a great cause.
NELSON
Whoa, is that an AC/DC cd I see?
Cool, here's your buck.
RODD & TODD
God bless you!
Nelson maneuvers the arm and stops it right above the Back
in
Black cd. The hand of God reaches down and firmly grasps
it.
NELSON
Alright!! I got it! I got it!
This is the coolest game I've ever
played!
The hand of God moves towards the dispenser chute of the
machine, turns palm side up and crushes the cd into pieces.
Nelsons face goes totally blank. Nelson cups his hands by
the opening and catches all the pieces in his hand and you
hear the Lord's voice say...
GOD
Haa! Haa!
Rodd & Todd jump for joy.
RODD
& TODD
Yeahhh!!!
CUT TO:
Homer and Lisa are walking around the hall. They pass a
booth where Apu and Manjula are running a Whack the Cobra
game in which three snakes keep rising up out of pots and
Milhouse is seen trying to whack them back down.
HOMER
OK Lisa, which game do you want to
play?
LISA
I'm not playing any games, I'm ashamed
to even be in here.
HOMER
Hey,
it's nice to support your local
church in all these holy functions.
LISA
Holy? You call raising money by
gambling a holy cause?
HOMER
Of course Honey, it's God's way of
giving us a glimpse of his heavenly
paradise. Not all of us can make it
out
to Atlantic City or Las Vegas
every weekend, so he allows the local
churches to take the show on the
road, just like Neil Diamond
wrote in that song I like. You know...
(singing loudly) "It's Love, Brother
Love's Traveling Salvation Show..."
LISA
Dad!!!
HOMER
"Pack up the babies and grab the old
ladies..."
LISA
Daaaaddd!!!!!!!
HOMER
OK,
you don't have to play if you
don't want to, but don't ruin my
fun. I wanna take this church for
all it's got!
(Bowing his head in prayer)
Please God, let me win everything!
I've memorized the ten commandments
and swear to you and Allah, I will
live by your rules.
Homer and Lisa walk up to a booth run by Ned Flanders.
FLANDERS
Hi-diddly-ho, neighborino's.
HOMER
(IN A MANNER OF JERRY
SEINFELD
GREETING
HIS SWORN ENEMY NEWMAN)
Hello Flanders.
LISA
Hi, Mr. Flanders.
HOMER
So, what's the gimmick?
We see a roulette wheel with Roman numerals. Instead of odd
or even, it's good or evil and red or black is replaced with
a halo or horns. The double zero is replaced with a triple
6.
FLANDERS
Well my friend, all you have to do
is make the right decision.
Choose
where the marble will land and you
win. It's that simple.
HOMER
What can I win?
FLANDERS
Well, if it lands on a good number
or symbol, you win gift certificates
to the Holy goods gift shop at the
rear of the church.
HOMER
And if evil wins?
FLANDERS
Well, we haven't had many takers of
the evil side today, Homer, but...
If you choose and win, you'll receive
either
$10 worth of Springfield's
Instant lottery scratch tickets, a
dozen donuts, a twelve pack of Duff
beer or all three.
HOMER
Woo Hoo!!! A little homer devil
appears above Homer's right shoulder
and starts singing.
LIL HOMER DEVIL
I am evil Homer. I am evil
Homer.
I am evil Homer. I am evil
Homer.
LISA
You're on your own, Dad.
Lisa walks off.
FLANDERS
Care to place a donation Homer?
HOMER
With pleasure. I'll take evil.
Homer places a one dollar bill on evil.
FLANDERS
I'd have to say that's a bad decision,
Homer.
HOMER
Quiet preachy and spin the wheel!
FLANDERS
Okily dokily.
The marble lands on 24 good.
FLANDERS
Good, a winner again!
HOMER
D'oh!!!
FLANDERS
It's not too late to seek redemption,
how about...
HOMER
How about $10 on the horns of hell
and shut up or I'll be confessing to
murder at the confession booth!
FLANDERS
Alright, but you were warned.
The marble lands on 29 halo.
FLANDERS
and a halo a winner again!
HOMER
D'oh!!
A little Homer Angel appears above Homer's shoulder.
LIL HOMER ANGEL
C'mon Homer, you know evil never
pays.
HOMER
How can it, the goody two shoes have
all
the money. (walking off muttering)
Lousy Flanders.
Homer makes his way to a booth run by Krusty. There are 3
shells and a white ball on the table.
KRUSTY
Hey, Hey!! Step right up and make a
fortune. Just pick which cup the
ball is under and win big! How about
you buddy, you look bright enough?
HOMER
I don't know. I just lost my shirt
to Flander's and his stupid game.
KRUSTY
I've been seeing that happen all
day. I tell you what, I'll make it
so a moron can win and you give me a
cut of the winnings...deal?
HOMER
OK, but make it
easy.
Homer places a $20 bill on the table.
KRUSTY
Just keep your eye on my hands and
remember where the ball is.
Krusty places the ball under
the right shell and then moves
both shells around very slowly without picking them up and
ends up with his hands in the very same position he started
in, making it obvious where the ball is.
KRUSTY
OK my good man, where's the ball?
Homer, looking totally confident, points to the left shell.
HOMER
That one.
KRUSTY
No, you putz...It's right here where
I put it!
HOMER
D'oh!! Easy enough for a moron, ehh?
KRUSTY
Look, my mistake, I gave you too
much credit. Try again and this time
pay really close attention.
Homer plunks down another $20 and this time Krusty once
again places the ball under the right shell and then moves
them ever so slightly, keeping them right in the same place.
KRUSTY
OK
Champ, show me the ball.
Homer with a confident look again, points to the left shell.
HOMER
That one.
Close up on Krusty, his face aghast with shock. He grabs
Homer by the collar.
KRUSTY
Look, if you're with that Candid
Camera show, I'M NOT LAUGHING!!
Homer, dejected, walks away. He sees a nun sitting in a chair
with a sign above her that says "Pick one for a $1.00 ".
HOMER
Alright, what's your angle?
NUN
I
have no angle dear, I'm just here
to help this church do God's work.
These are only games, they take no
thought, just a willingness to give.
Homer reaches into his wallet and finds his last $1 bill.
HOMER
Well, GIVE is my first, last and
middle name here tonight. But you
look like the friendly caring face
I've been searching for . Do you
think God will let me win just once?
NUN
Only true fools are tortured souls.
You
cast a shadow of Wisdom and
kindness, it's my belief the Lord
has great rewards for you.
Homer smiles with a look of contentment and hands the nun
his last dollar. The nun takes the dollar, puts her hands
under the table and then brings them back up with clenched
fists.
NUN
Thank you sir. Now, which hand would
you like?
Homer with a confident look points to the right hand.
HOMER
That one.
The nun opens her hand and a $2 bill is shown.
HOMER
Woo Hoo!!! In your face lady, I'm a
winner! Woo Hoo!!
The nun, still smiling, opens her other hand and shows a
$100 bill.
HOMER
D'oh!!!!!!!
The gang comes together near the exit of the church and there
is a final table with a giant grab bag on top.
MARGE
So,
how did everybody make out?
BART
Well, for 3 bucks, I was able to
send the Reverend to hell, AND win
this super cool x-box game David &
Goliath, which promises to be
bloodfilled throughout.
A close up of the box and then to lisa.
LISA
You better learn how to read big
brother, that says Davey & Goliath
and I'm pretty sure there wont be
any blood, just lots and lots of
clay.
BART
D'oh! I knew that shepherd was leading
me astray.
They all turn towards Homer, who is sulking.
MARGE
How did you do,
Homey?
HOMER
(CRYING)
Everything I tried, I failed at.
I
lost all my money and even the nuns
wont take pity on me.
LISA
Oh cheer up Dad, at least you'll
leave here knowing your money is
going to brighten some poor
unfortunates life.
HOMER
Yeah, but now, unfortunately I'm
poor.
BART
Hey, check this out. A grab bag full
of goodies and it's free.
Marge reaches in and pulls out a t-shirt that shows Jim &
Tammy Faye Baker riding a rollercoaster with their hands in
the air, full of money.
MARGE
Heyyy! I lost my shirt at Heritage
USA, now this will make up for it.
Lisa reaches in and pulls out a box full of Jelly Belly
communal wafers.
LISA
(SARCASTICALLY)
Ohhh great, they're tropical flavored.
Bart reaches in and pulls out an x-box game.
BART
Davey & Goliath II, This time it's
biblical....(SARCASTICALLY) great.
MARGE
OK Homey, here's your chance to go
home a winner.
Homer reaches into the bag and then immediately screams out
loud in pain.
HOMER
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Attached to Homer's finger is one of his old Springfield
Olympic Mascots, Springy. Blood is flowing from his hand.
HOMER
I thought I had seen the last of
these when I flushed them down the
toilet!
Homer starts to twist the mascot, but Lisa yells.
LISA
Wait Dad!! You might be holding a
valuable collectible. Most
of them
were destroyed at the bottom of
Springfield Harbor.
Homer pauses, with a quizzical look on his face, then proceeds
to stretch the springy apart.
HOMER
Die, you lousy piece of junk!
Homer coils it into a ball and throws it wildly. It sails
through the crowd and hits the communal wafer at Rev.
Lovejoy's booth. It makes a crack in the wafer and slowly
starts to split. A close up of
a red-faced Rev. Lovejoy.
REV. LOVEJOY
Oh, Damn.
The Reverend falls again into the pits of hell.
FADE OUT:
Act Two
SCENE 2
FADE IN:
INT. MARGE & HOMER'S BEDROOM - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT
Homer and Marge are in bed, Marge is trying to sleep while
Homer is watching TV.
MARGE
C'mon Homer, turn off the TV and go
to sleep.
HOMER
Easy for you to say, you're riding
high on your big winnings.
MARGE
It was a t-shirt Homer...big deal!
HOMER
Well it would be big for me, at least
you won something.Everything I tried
for avoided me. Now I need a little
TV to help put me to sleep.
Marge pulls the pillow over her head.
MARGE
Alright Homer, but you'll be sorry
in the morning.
Homer flicks the channels till he comes to Ted Koppell on
Nightline. Homer starts to sneer, but keeps watching. A close
up of the TV.
TED KOPPEL
...Tonight we bring to you a story
of
ordinary people getting rich on
the internet. The website is called
Ebay and this slack jawed yokel, one
Cletus Del Roy of Springfield...what
state
are you in?
CLETUS
That fact I a reckon I don't quite
know fer sure, but I do's know it'sa
east of Oregano.
TED
KOPPEL
(SCREAMING TO OFF AIR
PERSONNEL)
Damn it! Someone clue me into where
the state of Oregano is!
(NOW
ADDRESSING THE
AUDIENCE AGAIN)
Great, that clears that up. Cletus
is one of millions of people finding
big money on internet auctions.
He
recently put up for auction, this
very rare collectible of a mascot
named Springy.
A close up of the springy mascot is shown. Homer's eyes widen.
TED
KOPPEL
Describe to us what happened after
you listed it on ebay.
CLETUS
I didn't have it on there more than
20 minutes, when BAM! I had over 300
bids and the price soared from one
penny to over 300 pennies.
Close up of Homer in bed, laughing.
HOMER
Heh, heh, heh. What a doofus. I knew
that piece of junk was a piece of
junk.
Back to close up of TV.
TED KOPPEL
So then what happened?
CLETUS
Well, it all pretty much stayed that
way...until the last 7 seconds. That's
when we got our final two bids and
the high bid went from 303 pennies
to 74,845 dollars and 3 pennies.
Close up of Homer, screaming.
HOMER
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
FADE OUT:
Act Two
SCENE 3
FADE IN:
EXT. SIMPSONS HOUSE -
ESTABLISHING - DAY
Front view of
their home, sun rising from the backyard, bird
sounds.
The SIMPSONS are eating breakfast. Homer is off screen,
oversleeping.
BART
Hey,
what's up with Homer? Is it
Hamburglar day again?
MARGE
Ohhhh, I warned him not to stay up
and watch NIGHTLINE.When will he
learn?
HOMER!! TIME TO GET UP, YOU'LL BE
LATE FOR WORK!...AGAIN!!
Homer enters the kitchen, his clothes all messed up and his
two hairs pointing in different directions.
HOMER
Marge, you've gotta stop keeping me
up at night.
MARGE
(ANNOYED) It wasn't me Homer, it was
that boring NIGHTLINE show.
HOMER
Oh sure, blame poor old Ted Koppel.
The man's an icon Marge...an icon!
BART
You know Homer, if you had watched
Dave instead, you wouldn't be having
these morning blues.
HOMER
I'll give you 10 reasons why I won't
watch Letterman.
1 He stinks!
2 His stupid pet tricks aren't stupid.
3 He hates Ted Koppel.
4 He...
MARGE
He does not hate Ted Koppel, you do!
You only watch that show to sneer at
him!
HOMER
What
are you talking about? I enjoy
every minute of his show, it's
Flanders I can't stand.
MARGE
Homer, this nightowl foolishness has
got to stop, you're going to lose
your job.
HOMER
Oh, so now he's after my job too,
huh??!!
MARGE
David Letterman doesn't want your
job.
HOMER
Not him, that jerkface Flanders!
CUT
TO:
INT: HOMER & MARGE'S
BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Homer and marge are in bed and Homer is watching nightline,
sneering at Ted Koppell.
HOMER
lousy Ted Koppel, thinks he's so
bright...
Hmmmm...Maybe the boy had a point.
Homer changes the channel to the David Letterman show. David
is reading
from a paper.
DAVID LETTERMAN
...and the number one thing banned
from the Vice President's snack food
list is...
A top ten list
appears on screen with the following items
listed:
10. Pork Rinds
9. Chille
8. Peanuts
7. Hot Dogs
6. Pork Chops
5. Pixie Stix
4. Fried Peanut
Butter/Banana/Bacon Sandwiches
3. Waffles
2. Beer
1. Donuts
DAVID LETTERMAN
...Donuts!!
Homer
(enraged) points the remote at the TV
HOMER
See you in HELL, LETTERMAN!!
Instead of the tv shutting off, it changes channels and lands
on a seinfeld episode (The Opposite) where George, Jerry and
Elaine are in a booth talking.
GEORGE
It's not working, Jerry. It's just
not working.
JERRY
What is it that isn't working?
GEORGE
It all became very clear to me sitting
out there today, that every decision
I've ever made, in my entire life,
has been wrong. My life is the
complete opposite of everything I
want it to be. Every instinct I have,
in
every aspect of life, be it
something to wear, something to
eat...it's all been wrong.
ELAINE
Ahh, George, you know, that woman
just looked at you.
GEORGE
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and
no money, who live with their parents,
don't approach strange women.
JERRY
Well here's your chance to try the
opposite.
GEORGE
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I
should.
JERRY
If every instinct you have is wrong,
then the opposite would have to be
right.
GEORGE
Yes...you're right! I will
do the
opposite. I used to sit here
and do
nothing and regret it for the rest
of the day, so now I will do the
opposite and I will do something!
Close up of Homer's face, his mouth is hanging open in awe.
We hear the seinfeld noise that closes each scene.
FADE
OUT:
Act Two
SCENE 4
FADE IN:
EXT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY
Front view of their home, sun rising from the backyard, bird
sounds,
seinfeld noise.
CUT TO:
INT: KITCHEN- CONTINUOUS
Marge is making breakfast and shouting up to the kids to get
up as Homer walks in.
MARGE
KIDS! It's time for breakfa...aahhhh!!
Homer, you scared the Bejebus out of
me!
HOMER
Heh, heh, heh, Jebus. Sorry Marge,
but I'm turning over a new leaf,
starting today.
MARGE
Well great, rising early is a nice
start. How many waffles this
morning,
6 or 8?
HOMER
Forget the waffles.
MARGE
Whaaat??
Just half a pound of bacon
then?
HOMER
Forget the bacon too. I'll have a
toasted bagel with light cream cheese
and
a granola bar.
MARGE
(a look of shock on her face)
Ooooohhhh, there's something wrong
with the water again.
Marge
heads toward the phone and presses the poison control
button which is #1 on the speed dial.
HOMER
No, no, no, Marge. There's nothing
wrong with the water, I'm just going
to start doing the opposite of every
instinct I have.
MARGE
Why?
HOMER
Because every decision I've ever
made in my entire life has been wrong.
So, the opposite would have to be
right.
MARGE
Where'd you come up with this?
HOMER
Late night TV.
MARGE
Thank you Johnny Carson.
HOMER
Incorrect Marge, Thank you Jerry
Seinfeld.
We hear the seinfeld noise.
FADE OUT:
Act Two
SCENE 5
FADE IN:
EXT: SIMPSONS DRIVEWAY - MORNING
Homer is walking towards his car whistling, just as Ned
Flanders approaches him.
NED
Good diddley morning to you Homer.
HOMER
(GRUMBLING TO HIMSELF)
Opposite, opposite, opposite..
HOMER
Good diddley morning to you Neddy.
Can I help you with something?
NED
Well, actually Homer, I was looking
to get some advice on a pickle of a
matter.
HOMER
Let me hear it, I'm all ears.
NED
Well, it seems I accidentally booked
the boys and I up for two worthwhile
events this saturday, and I'm not
sure what I should do? They're both
pretty close together time wise and
I'm not sure how I could squeeze the
both of them in. Any suggestions?
HOMER
(IN DEEP THOUGHT)
Hmmmm....Instead of trying to give a
50% effort on both, decide which one
you want to do and give it 100%.
Then call and give your regrets to
the other thing, I'm sure they'll
understand.
NED
That's great advice Homer, but how
should I decide which one we should
attend?
HOMER
There are 3 of you Flanders, so a
simple vote as to who wants to do
what will settle this peacefully and
diplomatically.
NED
Homer, you're a true friend and a
great advisor. Thank you from the
bottom of my heart.
HOMER
Don't mention it neighborino.
Homer jumps into his car and waves back to Flanders in the
driveway.
CUT TO:
INT: HOMER'S CAR
HOMER
(with a big smile, feeling good about
himself) Woo Hoo!!!
FADE OUT:
Act Two
SCENE 6
FADE IN:
INT: QUIKIMART
Homer is walking toward the counter with an armful of items.
He places them down on the counter and we see a six pack of
Fudd, a playgirl magazine
and a pint of vanilla sherbet.
APU
Good morning Mr. Homer.
HOMER
Good morning Apu...just picking up a
few things for work. How about a
scratch ticket?
APU
Of course, which would you like
Drooling for Doughnuts or Lotto
Lettuce?
HOMER
mmmmmm...doughnut's. NO, WAIT! I'll
take a Lotto Lettuce, please.
APU
Very good sir, good
luck.
Homer reads the ticket instructions aloud.
HOMER
Get your rabbits to multiply and win
$1 for every rabbit.
We see a
close up of the ticket and it shows three dark rabbit
holes. Homer scratches the first one and two rabbits are
shown kissing.
HOMER
Two happy bunnies.
Homer scratches the second hole.
HOMER
Ooooohhhh! Four happy bunnies.
Homer scratches the third hole.
HOMER
Woo
Hoo!!! 100 tired but happy
bunnies!
APU
Congratulations Mr. Homer, you are
the first customer I see that has
gotten
any action from these bunnies.
The state likes to keep all the action
for themselves.
HOMER
Thank you Apu, now I'm off to a great
day at the power plant.
APU
Thank you sir and come again.
FADE OUT:
Act Two
SCENE 7
FADE IN:
EXT: FLANDER'S HOME - SAME DAY -
- LATER
CUT TO:
INT: FLANDER'S LIVING ROOM
Rodd & Todd are sitting on the couch and Ned is kneeling in
front of them.
NED
Now boys, we have a decision to make
and we need to make it as quick as
possible.
RODD
Is it about cloning for medical
research?
NED
No son, I wish it were that simple.
We need to decide whether we are going to help with the church
choir food drive today or with the Helping Hands walk a thon.
TODD
Why can't we do both?
NED
Well, unfortunately, there just isn't
enough time to give to both.
TODD
How will we decide which one to do?
NED
Well boys, your Uncle Homer had a
great idea. He said that there are
three of us, so we should vote on it
and do what the
majority wants.
TODD
I want to do the food drive.
RODD
I want to do the walk a thon.
Both eyes are on Ned. A close up of Ned, sweating.
NED
Well, darn do diddley darn, I'm not
sure what to do.
He pauses and looks up towards the ceiling.
NED
Please God, help me decide which is
right.
He folds his hands, closes his eyes for a moment, then looks
thoughtfully at the kids.
A close up of
the boys smiling.
NED
I guess we will do the walk a thon.
A close up of Rodd's face, tears welling up.
RODD
(Crying)
You and God love Todd more
than me.
NED
Oh Heaven's prayer, NO! That's not
it at all!
Rodd starting whaling.
RODD
Waaaaaahhhhh!!!!
NED
Oh please stop crying Rodd!!
Todd & Ned comfort Rodd.
TODD
It'll be ok Rodd, they're both worthy
causes.
Ned thinks for a moment.
NED
You know what? Why don't we give our
total support to the food drive
instead?
Close up of Rodd, his face brightening.
NED
Would that make you feel better?
A close
up of Rodd with a big bright smile and a nod.
A close up of Ned with a growing smile.
A close up of Todd, tears welling up in his eyes.
TODD
Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!
NED
Oh Dear Lord!...
A close up of both boys holding each other, crying.
Act Two
SCENE 8
FADE IN: FLANDER'S LIVING
ROOM - 3 HOURS LATER
Rodd & Todd still holding each other, crying.
NED
Boys, boys, we REALLY need to get
started. People are counting on us
to
do God's work.
TODD
He want's me to do the food drive!
RODD
He want's me to do the walk a thon!
Ned shows his
frustration with an angry outburst.
NED
GOSH DARN IT! WE CANT DO BOTH!
WE NEED TO CHOOSE!!
A close up of Rodd & Todd in shock, followed by loud crying.
RODD & TODD
WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
A close up of a depressed Ned.
NED
Oh God, Please show me the way.
A fading shot of all three holding each other, crying.
FADE OUT:
Act Two
SCENE 9
FADE IN:
INT: SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - MR. BURNS OFFICE
Homer is standing in front of mr. Burn's desk. Smithers is
standing next to a seated Mr. Burns.
MR. BURNS
OK Simpson, I've got good news and
I've got bad news. Your tardiness
here at the plant as safety inspector
is about to earn you some recognition.
Mr. Smithers is holding two envelopes.
Will it be good...or BAD?
(laughing
evilly) Choose one, Simpson.
We see smithers with an envelope in each hand, smiling
broadly.
SMITHERS
Which will it be Simpson?
Homer has a look of total confidence.
HOMER
I'll take the left one, please.
Smithers hands the envelope to Mr. Burns. He opens it, smiles
broadly, then turns it for homer to see.
MR. BURNS
Homer Simpson, you're FIRED!!
A close up of Homers exasperated face. Then a view of Smithers
and Mr. Burns laughing in joy.
SMITHERS
You should have taken the other one
Simpson.(Laughing)
Homer turns and walks away slowly, mumbling to himself on
the way out.
HOMER
I DID take the other one...what
happened?
FADE
OUT:
Act Three
SCENE 10
FADE IN:
INT: HOMER'S CAR IN PARKING LOT
Homer is still talking to himself in disbelief.
HOMER
How could I go wrong? I did the
opposite...this cant be right.
We see him driving through Springfield. He approaches the
Springfield Unemployment Office.
INT: SPRINGFIELD UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE
Snake is in line, with dollar bills sticking out of his
pockets. Cletus is also in line, wearing a snazzy suit, a
gold necklace and gold rings on each hand. Homer looks off
to the side and see's three people sitting down who look
familiar.
HOMER
Hey, don't I know you?
MICHAEL RICHARDS
(Puffing on a pipe) Ohhhhh, you might.
The three of us use to be quite an
act on TV.
HOMER
AAHHHH!!! You're Kramer!
MICHAEL RICHARDS
Yeah, well, I used to be...once upon
a time.
HOMER
And you're Elaine!
JULIA
LOUISE DREYFUSS
Yup, that was me.
JASON ALEXANDER
Hi, I'm Jason, I used to play George.
Homer grabs Jason by the neck.
HOMER
Why you little!!! Just do the
opposite, ehh?! Now look where
it's
gotten me!
Julia and Michael pull Homer away from Jason.
MICHAEL
Hey c'mon pal, take it easy, we're
all on a bit of a downer.
HOMER
What are the three of you doing here
in Springfield?
MICHAEL
Wellll, there's no way I can afford
the hollywood lifestyle now!
JASON
Same here. I've been doing commercials
for chicken feed. Literally,
no
money, just chicken.
HOMER
And you? (looking at Julia)
JULIA
Wellll, ya know. Jerry canceled the
show, I spent some extra time with
the hubby and kids, I started my own
TV
show, yadda, yadda, yadda, here I
am.
MICHAEL
Soooo, what line of work are you in
buddy?
TV? Movies?
HOMER
Yeah, I wish. I'm a safety inspector
for a nuclear power plant.
That is
I was, until MR. Burns fired me for
picking the wrong
envelope this
morning. Now I'm just Homer Simpson,
unemployed.
Julia, Michael and Jason all look at each with a look of
surprise on their face.
MICHAEL
It's BRILLIANT!!
JULIA
It's FANTASTIC!!
HOMER
What?
JASON
It, it, it's UNBELIEVABLE!!
HOMER
What the hell are you talking about?
Michael puts his arms around Homer and gives him a big hug.
Then he steps back and puts his hands on his shoulders.
MICHAEL
Homer, the three of us have been
trying to put a show together, but
we
couldn't come up with a work
setting.
HOMER
And you think a nuclear power plant
is the right setting?
MICHAEL
Giddyup!
JASON
How would you like to help us create
a brand new TV program that'll blow
away anything
that's ever been done
before?
HOMER
Me work in TV?
JULIA
This could be the opportunity of a
lifetime.
MICHAEL
Will you help us, Homer Simpson,
executive consultant of The Uranium
Files?
HOMER
Giddyup!
MICHAEL, JASON & JULIA
(Together) WOO HOO!!
HOMER
I knew I picked the right envelope!
Michael gives him the thumbs up sign.
MICHAEL
Giddyup again, partner.
HOMER
Soooo... what network will be airing
this...ABC? NBC? CBS? HBO?
JASON
No, none of those.
MICHAEL
We're going with FOX.
HOMER
Fox?? Eeewwww! Why Fox?
JULIA
(Depressed) They're the only ones
who will have us.
(SEINFELD
NOISE)
FADE OUT:
Act Three
SCENE 11
FADE IN:
EXT: THE SIMPSONS HOME - LATER
CUT
TO:
INT: KITCHEN
Marge is washing dishes. Homer walks in.
HOMER
Marge!! You won't believe the day
I'm having! I've
been doing the
opposite and I've won $100, lost my
job and then accepted a new job in
television!
MARGE
(SHOVING
HOMER OVER
BACKWARDS)
Get OUT!!
HOMER
(recovering) No Marge, it's true!
MARGE
No Homer, I mean get out, you're
ruining my freshly waxed floor! Get
out, get out, get out!
Homer grabs Marge and leads her into the living room where
Michael,
Jason & Julia are sitting on the couch.
HOMER
Marge, meet my new associates, George,
Elaine & Kramer.
MICHAEL
Homer, it's not Kramer, it's..
HOMER
Oh right, I'm sorry. It's Cosmo.
MARGE
Oh my god! Julia, Michael
& Jason,
it's really you!
The three actors smile and nod.
Marge cups her hand over
her mouth.
MARGE
What'll the neighbors think?
Marge
goes over to the curtains and pulls them shut. As
she's pulling them shut, she notices Ned pleading with Rod &
Todd to stop crying. She
frowns and looks back at the four
adults in the living room.
MARGE
(To the three actors) Excuse us.
Marge pulls Homer into the dining area, but not out of ear
shot of the others.
MARGE
Homer, what on earth were you
thinking?
Homer shrugs his shoulders and grunts the words "I don't
know".
HOMER
(Grunting) I dunno.
MARGE
You had a solid working position at
the plant, now you're gambling on
those three?
The three guests all look at each other solemnly.
HOMER
Marge, how can you say that? These
people were part of the greatest
sitcom ever. Seinfeld!
MARGE
Look, if you were banking on doing
something with Jerry or even that
guy who played Newman, I could see
your enthusiasm...but I'm sorry, I
think this is a big mistake.
HOMER
Well fine, Marge. Think that
way,
but doing the opposite is the right
thing
to do and it hasn't failed
yet.
MARGE
Oh really? Just what kind of advice
did you give Ned this morning?
HOMER
The total opposite of what I really
felt, which if all is right in the
world, should've made the morning a
little bumpy for dear old
flanders...heh, heh, heh.
Marge leads Homer to the front window and opens the curtains.
MARGE
Take a look at what your great advice
has
done for him. He and the kids
were humiliated in front of two
charity groups today for being too
late to help!
Homer looks out at Ned and the boys and a great look of shame
comes over him.
HOMER
(Shocked) I didn't realize just how
powerful this opposite thing was.
Pan out to the Flander's again and then back to a sadder
looking Homer.
HOMER
(Sadly) Ohhhh, Marge, what should I
do? I really want to help
him. How
can
I do that without screwing up?
Marge steps forward and grabs Homers hands in hers.
MARGE
Ohhhh Homer...for just this one time,
forget all about the opposite thing
and just follow your heart.
A look of uncertainty grows on Homer.
MARGE
I have faith in you Homer...
She looks over at the 3
actors sitting on the couch.
MARGE
...and your friends too.
He looks toward the three actors on the couch. He stares for
a few moments and then a slow smile comes to his face.
HOMER
I've got it!!
He turns to marge and gives her a big kiss.
HOMER
Thank you Marge!
Homer turns to the three on the couch.
HOMER
(Quickly) Kramer, Elaine,
George...we've got a job to do!
MICHAEL, JULIA
& JASON
(TOGETHER) A JOB!!!!
(SEINFELD NOISE)
FADE OUT:
Act Three
SCENE 12
FADE IN:
EXT: SPRINGFIELD MALL - DAY TIME
A long line of people extends outside the mall.
INT: SPRINGFIELD MALL - LEFTORIUM STOREFRONT
The line of people goes to the front of Ned's store. A table
is
set up with a sign overhead that reads:
"AUTOGRAPH SESSION WITH THREE MEMBERS OF SEINFELD".
100% of proceeds to benefit the Springfield Choir & the
Helping Hands Community group.
Michael, Julia
& Jason are seated at the table. On either
side are alter boys with the collection plates on polls,
with a sign on each that says "Donations: $20 minimum". They
pass the collection plate in front of each autograph seeker,
then dump them into two large barrels of money.
Among the people in line are members of the rock group AC/DC,
most notably Angus Young in his schoolboy outfit, seen talking
to the nun from the monte carlo night.
NUN
So, are you boys big fans?
ANGUS YOUNG
No, not really. We just like to stop
for worthy causes when we're out on
tour. You're here to support
the
cause as well?
NUN
Oh, oh yes...and I also want to meet
that Kramer character. There's just
something about him...
Cut to Ned and the boys coming up the escalator. Homer and
the rest of the family are at the top encouraging him to
hurry.
HOMER
Neddy, Come quick! Hurry!
Ned & the boy's run up the escalator.
NED
What's going on Homer?
HOMER
Here you are Neddy, just a little
help for your groups by some of my
friends.
NED
Oh my Lord...
Cut to the front of the line where comic book guy and Moe
are 1st and 2nd in line.
COMIC BOOK GUY
Jason, I am a BIG Seinfeld fan, but
that episode where George gets a
front office job with the
Yankees...Worst episode ever!
Moe is addressing Julia & Michael.
MOE
Yeah, well, I'm just here to support
the causes and to tell you three
that I think it really blows, the
way you ditched poor Jerry and made
him cancel the show. You should be
ashamed of yourselves!
Moe looks straight at Jason.
MOE
At least you got chicken to eat,
poor Jerry is back working comedy
clubs...and you know how crappy they
pay.
We see Jerry and his wife Jessica, dressed to the nines,
pushing a lavish baby carriage.
JESSICA
What's going on over there?
Jerry notices his three former co-stars, but keeps walking.
JERRY
Ummmmmm...nothing.
Nothing at all.
They continue walking right on by.
JERRY
(Quietly to himself) Just a whole
lot of nothing.
Cut to Homer
& Ned standing together watching the crowd.
NED
Thank you Homer.
HOMER
Don't mention it Neddy.
Ned shakes Homer's hand.
NED
Once again Homer, you've proven to
be a fine friend.
HOMER
Rrright back at ya, Neighborino.
Homer and Ned hug.
Bart and Lisa stare at each other in shock.
BART
Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
LISA
Yes! It's like deja vu.
BART
Nahhh...it's more like jumping a
shark.
We see Bart & Lisa look at each and after a moments pause,
they just shrug their shoulders and then put an arm around
a proudly smiling Marge who's holding Maggie.
MAGGIE
Suck-Suck.
FADE
OUT:
Act Three
SCENE 13
FADE IN:
EXT: SIMPSONS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS- NIGHT TIME
A message at the bottom of the screen says "2 months later"
CUT TO:
INT: SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM
We see the entire family sitting in front of the TV.
HOMER
Well Marge, are you ready to eat
your words?
BART
Save some for us, we need to eat
too.
HOMER
Why
you little...
MARGE
Homer! I'm sure your show is going
to be great. I'm sorry if I doubted
you at first.
LISA
We're all proud of you, Dad!
BART
Yeah, you're the man, Homeboy.
MAGGIE
(SUCK,
SUCK)
Maggie gives a thumbs up.
We see a close up of the TV. An opening shot reads:
" The Uranium Files"..starring Michael Richards...Jason
Alexander...and Julia Louise Dreyfuss. A pan back to Homer.
HOMER
Thank you all soooo much, I knew you
would see how right the opposite can
be.
Back to the TV. It now reads: Executive Producer...Homer
Simpson.. The TV goes blank for a few seconds. Then a voice
is heard saying...
TV ANNOUNCER
The Uranium Files has been canceled.
We now bring you a better program.
We see the opening credits for : "America's Ugliest
Bachelor's". Back to Homer.
HOMER
(Aghast) What happened?
BART
Well Homer, you've succeeded once
again!
You just crushed Chevy Chase's
unbreakable record.
HOMER
What?? That cant be! I did
the
opposite.The opposite, Marge!
MARGE
Well Homey, if you still want to
follow that theory, then it stands
to reason now, that every opposite
decision you have will be wrong, so
now your initial decision will be
right, just the way it ought to be.
HOMER
Hmmmm...could it be that simple?
LISA
Ya know Dad, The Osbornes are really
BIG these days, maybe your next show
should be a family based reality
series.
HOMER
Heyyy...you make a good point. We
could call it The Simpsons!
MARGE
(laughing) Heh, heh, heh. The Simpsons
on Fox, I wonder how long that would
last? Heh, heh, heh.
BART
Probably about 15...
We see just a blue screen, then the ending credits start to
roll.
THE
END
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