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The Opposite of Something

                                       THE SIMPSONS

 

                                                                           

 

                               "THE OPPOSITE OF SOMETHING"

 

                                            By

 

                                    Dana L Goudreault

 

 

                                         ACT ONE

 

               FADE IN:

 

               EXT:  SPRINGFIELD COMMUNITY CHURCH - NIGHT

 

               The church message board reads:

 

               MONTE CARLO NIGHT TO SUPPORT GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS

 

               "All denominations accepted"

 

               The Simpsons are seen walking toward the church amongst other

               Springfield residents.

 

               INT: CHURCH RECREATIONAL HALL - CONTINUOUS

 

               The inside of the church is filled with smoke and betting

               tables. A panning shot shows several of the booths names and

               a large banner with cigarettes reads:

 

               "Larimar Cigarettes supports your right to gamble with your

               life." Bart walks up to a dunking booth where Rev. Lovejoy

               is sitting atop. The pit below him is filled with bright red

               dye. The sign reads:

 

               $1 Break the communal wafer and send the reverend to HELL!

 

                                     BART

                         What gives reverend?

 

                                     REV. LOVEJOY

                         Hello Bart. Glad to see you here

                         supporting this blessed event during

                         United Religions week. We're very

                         fortunate to have the help of several

                         other religions for this worthy cause. 

                         Here's your chance to humble me for

                         the sake of charity.  Do you have

                         what it takes to break the wafer?

 

                                     BART

                         No problemo.

 

               Bart grabs a hollow plastic ball out of the bucket and groans

               to himself. He throws the ball and hits the wafer, but it

               just bounces off.

 

                                     REV. LOVEJOY

                         Breaking the wafer requires the power

                         of God's will...

 

               Bart grabs another ball and reaches into his back pocket for

               his trusty slingshot. BANG! The wafer is broken and Rev.

               Lovejoy splashes into the tank. He lifts himself halfway out

               of the tank.

 

                                     REV. LOVEJOY

                         ...or the cunning of a devil's child.

 

                                     BART

                         (LAUGHING) See you at the confessional

                         booth, Reverend.

 

                                     REV. LOVEJOY

                         Oh please Lord, just once let me

                         replace the penance of prayer with

                         the joy of a crucifixion.

 

               Marge and Maggie are sitting at a slot machine.

 

                                     MARGE

                         OK Maggie, cross your fingers for

                         good luck.

 

               The machine shows three crucifixes, one of which is upside

               down. Marge pulls the lever and one red apple shows, followed

               by another red apple and finally a third red apple with a

               bite taken out of it.

 

                                     MARGE

                         (first apple) Wooo!  (second apple)

                         Woo Wooo!  (third apple) D'oh!

 

               Nelson is getting ready to play "The Hand of God", a claw

               game that is set up to look like the arm of God. Rod and

               Todd are running the game. The machine is filled with knives,

               brass knuckles, cigarettes and heavy metal cd's, etc.

 

                                     RODD

                         Hi, would you like to try your luck

                         and help us do God's work?

 

                                     TODD

                         It's all for a great cause.

 

                                     NELSON

                         Whoa, is that an AC/DC cd I see?

 

                         Cool, here's your buck.

 

                                     RODD & TODD

                         God bless you!

 

               Nelson maneuvers the arm and stops it right above the Back

               in Black cd. The hand of God reaches down and firmly grasps

               it.

 

                                     NELSON

                         Alright!! I got it! I got it!

 

                         This is the coolest game I've ever

                         played!

 

               The hand of God moves towards the dispenser chute of the

               machine, turns palm side up and crushes the cd into pieces.

               Nelsons face goes totally blank. Nelson cups his hands by

               the opening and catches all the pieces in his hand and you

               hear the Lord's voice say...

 

                                     GOD

                         Haa!  Haa!

 

               Rodd & Todd jump for joy.

 

                                     RODD & TODD

                         Yeahhh!!!

 

                                                                    CUT TO:

 

               Homer and Lisa are walking around the hall.  They pass a

               booth where Apu and Manjula are running a Whack the Cobra

               game in which three snakes keep rising up out of pots and

               Milhouse is seen trying to whack them back down.

 

                                     HOMER

                         OK Lisa, which game do you want to

                         play?

 

                                     LISA

                         I'm not playing any games, I'm ashamed

                         to even be in here.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Hey, it's nice to support your local

                         church in all these holy functions.

 

                                     LISA

                         Holy? You call raising money by

                         gambling a holy cause?

 

                                     HOMER

                         Of course Honey, it's God's way of

                         giving us a glimpse of his heavenly

                         paradise. Not all of us can make it

                         out to Atlantic City or Las Vegas

                         every weekend, so he allows the local

                         churches to take the show on the

                         road, just like Neil Diamond

 

                         wrote in that song I like. You know...

 

                         (singing loudly) "It's Love, Brother

                         Love's Traveling Salvation Show..."

 

                                     LISA

                         Dad!!!

 

                                     HOMER

                         "Pack up the babies and grab the old

                         ladies..."

 

                                     LISA

                         Daaaaddd!!!!!!!

 

                                     HOMER

                         OK, you don't have to play if you

                         don't want to, but don't ruin my

                         fun. I wanna take this church for

                         all it's got!

 

                         (Bowing his head in prayer)

 

                         Please God, let me win everything!

                         I've memorized the ten commandments

                         and swear to you and Allah, I will

                         live by your rules.

 

               Homer and Lisa walk up to a booth run by Ned Flanders.

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         Hi-diddly-ho, neighborino's.

 

                                     HOMER

                              (IN A MANNER OF JERRY

                              SEINFELD GREETING

                              HIS SWORN ENEMY NEWMAN)

                         Hello Flanders.

 

                                     LISA

                         Hi,  Mr. Flanders.

 

                                     HOMER

                         So, what's the gimmick?

 

               We see a roulette wheel with Roman numerals. Instead of odd

               or even, it's good or evil and red or black is replaced with

               a halo or horns. The double zero is replaced with a triple

               6.

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         Well my friend, all you have to do

                         is make the right decision.  Choose

                         where the marble will land and you

                         win. It's that simple.

 

                                     HOMER

                         What can I win?

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         Well, if it lands on a good number

                         or symbol, you win gift certificates

                         to the Holy goods gift shop at the

                         rear of the church.

 

                                     HOMER

                         And if evil wins?

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         Well, we haven't had many takers of

                         the evil side today, Homer, but... 

                         If you choose and win, you'll receive

                         either $10 worth of Springfield's

                         Instant lottery scratch tickets, a

                         dozen donuts, a twelve pack of Duff

                         beer or all three.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Woo Hoo!!! A little homer devil

                         appears above Homer's right shoulder

                         and starts singing.

 

                                     LIL HOMER DEVIL

                         I am evil Homer.  I am evil Homer. 

                         I am evil Homer.  I am evil Homer.

 

                                     LISA

                         You're on your own, Dad.

 

               Lisa walks off.

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         Care to place a donation Homer?

 

                                     HOMER

                         With pleasure. I'll take evil.

 

               Homer places a one dollar bill on evil.

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         I'd have to say that's a bad decision,

                         Homer.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Quiet preachy and spin the wheel!

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         Okily dokily.

 

               The marble lands on 24 good.

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         Good, a winner again!

 

                                     HOMER

                         D'oh!!!

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         It's not too late to seek redemption,

                         how about...

 

                                     HOMER

                         How about $10 on the horns of hell

                         and shut up or I'll be confessing to

                         murder at the confession booth!

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         Alright, but you were warned.

 

               The marble lands on 29 halo.

 

                                     FLANDERS

                         and a halo a winner again!

 

                                     HOMER

                         D'oh!!

 

               A little Homer Angel appears above Homer's shoulder.

 

                                     LIL HOMER ANGEL

                         C'mon Homer, you know evil never

                         pays.

 

                                     HOMER

                         How can it, the goody two shoes have

                         all the money. (walking off muttering)

 

                         Lousy Flanders.

 

               Homer makes his way to a booth run by Krusty. There are 3

               shells and a white ball on the table.

 

                                     KRUSTY

                         Hey, Hey!! Step right up and make a

                         fortune. Just pick which cup the

                         ball is under and win big! How about

                         you buddy, you look bright enough?

 

                                     HOMER

                         I don't know. I just lost my shirt

                         to Flander's and his stupid game.

 

                                     KRUSTY

                         I've been seeing that happen all

                         day. I tell you what, I'll make it

                         so a moron can win and you give me a

                         cut of the winnings...deal?

 

                                     HOMER

                         OK, but make it easy.

 

               Homer places a $20 bill on the table.

 

                                     KRUSTY

                         Just keep your eye on my hands and

                         remember where the ball is.

 

               Krusty places the ball under the right shell and then moves

               both shells around very slowly without picking them up and

               ends up with his hands in the very same position he started

               in, making it obvious where the ball is.

 

                                     KRUSTY

                         OK my good man, where's the ball?

 

               Homer, looking totally confident, points to the left shell.

 

                                     HOMER

                         That one.

 

                                     KRUSTY

                         No, you putz...It's right here where

                         I put it!

 

                                     HOMER

                         D'oh!! Easy enough for a moron, ehh?

 

                                     KRUSTY

                         Look, my mistake, I gave you too

                         much credit. Try again and this time

                         pay really close attention.

 

               Homer plunks down another $20 and this time Krusty  once

               again places the ball under the right shell and then moves

               them ever so slightly, keeping them right in the same place.

 

                                     KRUSTY

                         OK Champ, show me the ball.

 

               Homer with a confident look again, points to the left shell.

 

                                     HOMER

                         That one.

 

               Close up on Krusty, his face aghast with shock. He grabs

               Homer by the collar.

 

                                     KRUSTY

                         Look, if you're with that Candid

                         Camera show, I'M NOT LAUGHING!!

 

               Homer, dejected, walks away. He sees a nun sitting in a chair

               with a sign above her that says "Pick one for a $1.00 ".

 

                                     HOMER

                         Alright, what's your angle?

 

                                     NUN

                         I have no angle dear, I'm just here

                         to help this church do God's work. 

                         These are only games, they take no

                         thought, just a willingness to give.

 

               Homer reaches into his wallet and finds his last $1 bill.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Well, GIVE is my first, last and

                         middle name here tonight. But you

                         look like the friendly caring face

                         I've been searching for . Do you

                         think God will let me win just once?

 

                                     NUN

                         Only true fools are tortured souls.

                         You cast a shadow of Wisdom and

                         kindness, it's my belief the Lord

                         has great rewards for you.

 

               Homer smiles with a look of contentment and hands the nun

               his last dollar. The nun takes the dollar, puts her hands

               under the table and then brings them back up with clenched

               fists.

 

                                     NUN

                         Thank you sir. Now, which hand would

                         you like?

 

               Homer with a confident look points to the right hand.

 

                                     HOMER

                         That one.

 

               The nun opens her hand and a $2 bill is shown.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Woo Hoo!!! In your face lady, I'm a

                         winner!  Woo Hoo!!

 

               The nun, still smiling, opens her other hand and shows a

               $100 bill.

 

                                     HOMER

                         D'oh!!!!!!!

 

               The gang comes together near the exit of the church and there

               is a final table with a giant grab bag on top.

 

                                     MARGE

                         So, how did everybody make out?

 

                                     BART

                         Well, for 3 bucks, I was able to

                         send the Reverend to hell, AND win

                         this super cool x-box game David &

                         Goliath, which promises to be

                         bloodfilled throughout.

 

               A close up of the box and then to lisa.

 

                                     LISA

                         You better learn how to read big

                         brother, that says Davey & Goliath

                         and I'm pretty sure there wont be

                         any blood, just lots and lots of

                         clay.

 

                                     BART

                         D'oh! I knew that shepherd was leading

                         me astray.

 

               They all turn towards Homer, who is sulking.

 

                                     MARGE

                         How did you do, Homey?

 

                                     HOMER

                              (CRYING)

                         Everything I tried, I failed at.  I

                         lost all my money and even the nuns

                         wont take pity on me.

 

                                     LISA

                         Oh cheer up Dad, at least you'll

                         leave here knowing your money is

                         going to brighten some poor

                         unfortunates life.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Yeah, but now, unfortunately I'm

                         poor.

 

                                     BART

                         Hey, check this out. A grab bag full

                         of goodies and it's free.

 

               Marge reaches in and pulls out a t-shirt that shows Jim &

               Tammy Faye Baker riding a rollercoaster with their hands in

               the air, full of money.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Heyyy! I lost my shirt at Heritage

                         USA, now this will make up for it.

 

               Lisa reaches in and pulls out a box full of Jelly Belly

               communal wafers.

 

                                     LISA

                              (SARCASTICALLY)

                         Ohhh great, they're tropical flavored.

 

               Bart reaches in and pulls out an x-box game.

 

                                     BART

                         Davey & Goliath II, This time it's

                         biblical....(SARCASTICALLY) great.

 

                                     MARGE

                         OK Homey, here's your chance to go

                         home a winner.

 

               Homer reaches into the bag and then immediately screams out

               loud in pain.

 

                                     HOMER

                         AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

 

               Attached to Homer's finger is one of his old Springfield

               Olympic Mascots, Springy. Blood is flowing from his hand.

 

                                     HOMER

                         I thought I had seen the last of

                         these when I flushed them down the

                         toilet!

 

               Homer starts to twist the mascot, but Lisa yells.

 

                                     LISA

                         Wait Dad!! You might be holding a

                         valuable collectible.  Most of them

                         were destroyed at the bottom of

                         Springfield Harbor.

 

               Homer pauses, with a quizzical look on his face, then proceeds

               to stretch the springy apart.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Die, you lousy piece of junk!

 

               Homer coils it into a ball and throws it wildly. It sails

               through the crowd and hits the communal wafer at Rev.

               Lovejoy's booth. It makes a crack in the wafer and slowly

               starts to split. A close up of  a red-faced Rev. Lovejoy.

 

                                     REV. LOVEJOY

                         Oh, Damn.

 

               The Reverend falls again into the pits of hell.

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Two

 

               SCENE 2

 

               FADE IN:

 

               INT. MARGE & HOMER'S BEDROOM - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT

 

               Homer and Marge are in bed, Marge is trying to sleep while

               Homer is watching TV.

 

                                     MARGE

                         C'mon Homer, turn off the TV and go

                         to sleep.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Easy for you to say, you're riding

                         high on your big winnings.

 

                                     MARGE

                         It was a t-shirt Homer...big deal!

 

                                     HOMER

                         Well it would be big for me, at least

                         you won something.Everything I tried

                         for avoided me. Now I need a little

                         TV to help put me to sleep.

 

               Marge pulls the pillow over her head.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Alright Homer, but you'll be sorry

                         in the morning.

 

               Homer flicks the channels till he comes to Ted Koppell on

               Nightline. Homer starts to sneer, but keeps watching. A close

               up of the TV.

 

                                     TED KOPPEL

                         ...Tonight we bring to you a story

                         of ordinary people getting rich on

                         the internet. The website is called

                         Ebay and this slack jawed yokel, one

                         Cletus Del Roy of Springfield...what

                         state are you in?

 

                                     CLETUS

                         That fact I a reckon I don't quite

                         know fer sure, but I do's know it'sa

                         east of Oregano.

 

                                     TED KOPPEL

                              (SCREAMING TO OFF AIR

                              PERSONNEL)

                         Damn it! Someone clue me into where

                         the state of Oregano is!

                              (NOW ADDRESSING THE

                              AUDIENCE AGAIN)

                         Great, that clears that up. Cletus

                         is one of millions of people finding

                         big money on internet auctions.  He

                         recently put up for auction, this

                         very rare collectible of a mascot

                         named Springy.

 

               A close up of the springy mascot is shown. Homer's eyes widen.

 

                                     TED KOPPEL

                         Describe to us what happened after

                         you listed it on ebay.

 

                                     CLETUS

                         I didn't have it on there more than

                         20 minutes, when BAM! I had over 300

                         bids and the price soared from one

                         penny to over 300 pennies.

 

               Close up of Homer in bed, laughing.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Heh, heh, heh. What a doofus. I knew

                         that piece of junk was a piece of

                         junk.

 

               Back to close up of TV.

 

                                     TED KOPPEL

                         So then what happened?

 

                                     CLETUS

                         Well, it all pretty much stayed that

                         way...until the last 7 seconds. That's

                         when we got our final two bids and

                         the high bid went from 303 pennies

                         to 74,845 dollars and 3 pennies.

 

               Close up of Homer, screaming.

 

                                     HOMER

                         AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Two

 

               SCENE 3

 

               FADE IN:

 

               EXT.  SIMPSONS HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY

 

               Front view of their home, sun rising from the backyard, bird

               sounds.

 

               The SIMPSONS are eating breakfast. Homer is off screen,

               oversleeping.

 

                                     BART

                         Hey, what's up with Homer? Is it

                         Hamburglar day again?

 

                                     MARGE

                         Ohhhh, I warned him not to stay up

                         and watch NIGHTLINE.When will he

                         learn?

 

                         HOMER!! TIME TO GET UP, YOU'LL BE

                         LATE FOR WORK!...AGAIN!!

 

               Homer enters the kitchen, his clothes all messed up and his

               two hairs pointing in different directions.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Marge, you've gotta stop keeping me

                         up at night.

 

                                     MARGE

                         (ANNOYED) It wasn't me Homer, it was

                         that boring NIGHTLINE show.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Oh sure, blame poor old Ted Koppel.

                         The man's an icon Marge...an icon!

 

                                     BART

                         You know Homer, if you had watched

                         Dave instead, you wouldn't be having

                         these morning blues.

 

                                     HOMER

                         I'll give you 10 reasons why I won't

                         watch Letterman.

                         1 He stinks!

                         2 His stupid pet tricks aren't stupid.

                         3 He hates Ted Koppel.

                         4 He...

 

                                     MARGE

                         He does not hate Ted Koppel, you do!

                         You only watch that show to sneer at

                         him!

 

                                     HOMER

                         What are you talking about? I enjoy

                         every minute of his show, it's

                         Flanders I can't stand.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Homer, this nightowl foolishness has

                         got to stop, you're going to lose

                         your job.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Oh, so now he's after my job too,

                         huh??!!

 

                                     MARGE

                         David Letterman doesn't want your

                         job.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Not him, that jerkface Flanders!

 

                                                                    CUT TO:

 

               INT:  HOMER & MARGE'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

 

               Homer and marge are in bed and Homer is watching nightline,

               sneering at Ted Koppell.

 

                                     HOMER

                         lousy Ted Koppel, thinks he's so

                         bright...

 

                         Hmmmm...Maybe the boy had a point.

 

               Homer changes the channel to the David Letterman show. David

               is reading from a paper.

 

                                     DAVID LETTERMAN

                         ...and the number one thing banned

                         from the Vice President's snack food

                         list is...

 

               A top ten list appears on screen with the following items

               listed:

 

               10.  Pork Rinds

 

               9.  Chille

 

               8.  Peanuts

 

               7.  Hot Dogs

 

               6.  Pork Chops

 

               5.  Pixie Stix

 

               4.  Fried Peanut Butter/Banana/Bacon Sandwiches

 

               3.  Waffles

 

               2.  Beer

 

               1.  Donuts

 

                                     DAVID LETTERMAN

                         ...Donuts!!

 

               Homer (enraged) points the remote at the TV

 

                                     HOMER

                         See you in HELL, LETTERMAN!!

 

               Instead of the tv shutting off, it changes channels and lands

               on a seinfeld episode (The Opposite) where George, Jerry and

               Elaine are in a booth talking.

 

                                     GEORGE

                         It's not working, Jerry. It's just

                         not working.

 

                                     JERRY

                         What is it that isn't working?

 

                                     GEORGE

                         It all became very clear to me sitting

                         out there today, that every decision

                         I've ever made, in my entire life,

                         has been wrong. My life is the

                         complete opposite of everything I

                         want it to be. Every instinct I have,

                         in every aspect of life, be it

                         something to wear, something to

                         eat...it's all been wrong.

 

                                     ELAINE

                         Ahh, George, you know, that woman

                         just looked at you.

 

                                     GEORGE

                         Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and

                         no money, who live with their parents,

                         don't approach strange women.

 

                                     JERRY

                         Well here's your chance to try the

                         opposite.

 

                                     GEORGE

                         Yeah, I should do the opposite, I

                         should.

 

                                     JERRY

                         If every instinct you have is wrong,

                         then the opposite would have to be

                         right.

 

                                     GEORGE

                         Yes...you're right!  I will do the

                         opposite.  I used to sit here and do

                         nothing and regret it for the rest

                         of the day, so now I will do the

                         opposite and I will do something!

 

               Close up of Homer's face, his mouth is hanging open in awe.

               We hear the seinfeld noise that closes each scene.

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Two

 

               SCENE 4

 

               FADE IN:

 

               EXT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY

 

               Front view of their home, sun rising from the backyard, bird

               sounds, seinfeld noise.

 

                                                                    CUT TO:

 

               INT: KITCHEN- CONTINUOUS

 

               Marge is making breakfast and shouting up to the kids to get

               up as Homer walks in.

 

                                     MARGE

                         KIDS! It's time for breakfa...aahhhh!! 

                         Homer, you scared the Bejebus out of

                         me!

 

                                     HOMER

                         Heh, heh, heh, Jebus. Sorry Marge,

                         but I'm turning over a new leaf,

                         starting today.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Well great, rising early is a nice

                         start.  How many waffles this morning,

                         6 or 8?

 

                                     HOMER

                         Forget the waffles.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Whaaat?? Just half a pound of bacon

                         then?

 

                                     HOMER

                         Forget the bacon too. I'll have a

                         toasted bagel with light cream cheese

                         and a granola bar.

 

                                     MARGE

                         (a look of shock on her face)

                         Ooooohhhh, there's something wrong

                         with the water again.

 

               Marge heads toward the phone and presses the poison control

               button which is #1 on the speed dial.

 

                                     HOMER

                         No, no, no, Marge. There's nothing

                         wrong with the water, I'm just going

                         to start doing the opposite of every

                         instinct I have.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Why?

 

                                     HOMER

                         Because every decision I've ever

                         made in my entire life has been wrong.

                         So, the opposite would have to be

                         right.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Where'd you come up with this?

 

                                     HOMER

                         Late night TV.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Thank you Johnny Carson.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Incorrect Marge, Thank you Jerry

                         Seinfeld.

 

               We hear the seinfeld noise.

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Two

 

               SCENE 5

 

               FADE IN:

 

               EXT: SIMPSONS DRIVEWAY - MORNING

 

               Homer is walking towards his car whistling, just as Ned

               Flanders approaches him.

 

                                     NED

                         Good diddley morning to you Homer.

 

                                     HOMER

                              (GRUMBLING TO HIMSELF)

                         Opposite, opposite, opposite..

 

                                     HOMER

                         Good diddley morning to you Neddy.

                         Can I help you with something?

 

                                     NED

                         Well, actually Homer, I was looking

                         to get some advice on a pickle of a

                         matter.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Let me hear it, I'm all ears.

 

                                     NED

                         Well, it seems I accidentally booked

                         the boys and I up for two worthwhile

                         events this saturday, and I'm not

                         sure what I should do? They're both

                         pretty close together time wise and

                         I'm not sure how I could squeeze the

                         both of them in. Any suggestions?

 

                                     HOMER

                              (IN DEEP THOUGHT)

                         Hmmmm....Instead of trying to give a

                         50% effort on both, decide which one

                         you want to do and give it 100%.

                         Then call and give your regrets to

                         the other thing, I'm sure they'll

                         understand.

 

                                     NED

                         That's great advice Homer, but how

                         should I decide which one we should

                         attend?

 

                                     HOMER

                         There are 3 of you Flanders, so a

                         simple vote as to who wants to do

                         what will settle this peacefully and

                         diplomatically.

 

                                     NED

                         Homer, you're a true friend and a

                         great advisor. Thank you from the

                         bottom of my heart.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Don't mention it neighborino.

 

               Homer jumps into his car and waves back to Flanders in the

               driveway.

 

                                                                    CUT TO:

 

               INT: HOMER'S CAR

 

                                     HOMER

                         (with a big smile, feeling good about

                         himself) Woo Hoo!!!

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Two

 

               SCENE 6

 

               FADE IN:

 

               INT: QUIKIMART

 

               Homer is walking toward the counter with an armful of items.

               He places them down on the counter and we see a six pack of

               Fudd, a playgirl magazine and a pint of vanilla sherbet.

 

                                     APU

                         Good morning Mr. Homer.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Good morning Apu...just picking up a

                         few things for work. How about a

                         scratch ticket?

 

                                     APU

                         Of course, which would you like

                         Drooling for Doughnuts or Lotto

                         Lettuce?

 

                                     HOMER

                         mmmmmm...doughnut's. NO, WAIT! I'll

                         take a Lotto Lettuce, please.

 

                                     APU

                         Very good sir, good luck.

 

               Homer reads the ticket instructions aloud.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Get your rabbits to multiply and win

                         $1 for every rabbit.

 

               We see a close up of the ticket and it shows three dark rabbit

               holes. Homer scratches the first one and two rabbits are

               shown kissing.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Two happy bunnies.

 

               Homer scratches the second hole.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Ooooohhhh! Four happy bunnies.

 

               Homer scratches the third hole.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Woo Hoo!!! 100 tired but happy

                         bunnies!

 

                                     APU

                         Congratulations Mr. Homer, you are

                         the first customer I see that has

                         gotten any action from these bunnies. 

                         The state likes to keep all the action

                         for themselves.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Thank you Apu, now I'm off to a great

                         day at the power plant.

 

                                     APU

                         Thank you sir and come again.

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Two

 

               SCENE 7

 

               FADE IN:

 

               EXT: FLANDER'S HOME - SAME DAY -  - LATER

 

                                                                    CUT TO:

 

               INT: FLANDER'S LIVING ROOM

 

               Rodd & Todd are sitting on the couch and Ned is kneeling in

               front of them.

 

                                     NED

                         Now boys, we have a decision to make

                         and we need to make it as quick as

                         possible.

 

                                     RODD

                         Is it about cloning for medical

                         research?

 

                                     NED

                         No son, I wish it were that simple.

 

               We need to decide whether we are going to help with the church

               choir food drive today or with the Helping Hands walk a thon.

 

                                     TODD

                         Why can't we do both?

 

                                     NED

                         Well, unfortunately, there just isn't

                         enough time to give to both.

 

                                     TODD

                         How will we decide which one to do?

 

                                     NED

                         Well boys, your Uncle Homer had a

                         great idea. He said that there are

                         three of us, so we should vote on it

                         and do what the majority wants.

 

                                     TODD

                         I want to do the food drive.

 

                                     RODD

                         I want to do the walk a thon.

 

               Both eyes are on Ned. A close up of Ned, sweating.

 

                                     NED

                         Well, darn do diddley darn, I'm not

                         sure what to do.

 

               He pauses and looks up towards the ceiling.

 

                                     NED

                         Please God, help me decide which is

                         right.

 

               He folds his hands, closes his eyes for a moment, then looks

               thoughtfully at the kids.

 

               A close up of the boys smiling.

 

                                     NED

                         I guess we will do the walk a thon.

 

               A close up of Rodd's face, tears welling up.

 

                                     RODD

                         (Crying) You and God love Todd more

                         than me.

 

                                     NED

                         Oh Heaven's prayer, NO! That's not

                         it at all!

 

               Rodd starting whaling.

 

                                     RODD

                         Waaaaaahhhhh!!!!

 

                                     NED

                         Oh please stop crying Rodd!!

 

               Todd & Ned comfort Rodd.

 

                                     TODD

                         It'll be ok Rodd, they're both worthy

                         causes.

 

               Ned thinks for a moment.

 

                                     NED

                         You know what? Why don't we give our

                         total support to the food drive

                         instead?

 

               Close up of Rodd, his face brightening.

 

                                     NED

                         Would that make you feel better?

 

               A close up of Rodd with a big bright smile and a nod.

 

               A close up of Ned with a growing smile.

 

               A close up of Todd, tears welling up in his eyes.

 

                                     TODD

                         Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

 

                                     NED

                         Oh Dear Lord!...

 

               A close up of both boys holding each other, crying.

 

               Act Two

 

               SCENE 8

 

               FADE IN:  FLANDER'S LIVING ROOM - 3 HOURS LATER

 

               Rodd & Todd still holding each other, crying.

 

                                     NED

                         Boys, boys, we REALLY need to get

                         started. People are counting on us

                         to do God's work.

 

                                     TODD

                         He want's me to do the food drive!

 

                                     RODD

                         He want's me to do the walk a thon!

 

               Ned shows his frustration with an angry outburst.

 

                                     NED

                         GOSH DARN IT! WE CANT DO BOTH!

 

                         WE NEED TO CHOOSE!!

 

               A close up of Rodd & Todd in shock, followed by loud crying.

 

                                     RODD & TODD

                         WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

 

               A close up of a depressed Ned.

 

                                     NED

                         Oh God, Please show me the way.

 

               A fading shot of all three holding each other, crying.

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Two

 

               SCENE 9

 

               FADE IN:

 

               INT: SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - MR. BURNS OFFICE

 

               Homer is standing in front of mr. Burn's desk. Smithers is

               standing next to a seated Mr. Burns.

 

                                     MR. BURNS

                         OK Simpson, I've got good news and

                         I've got bad news. Your tardiness

                         here at the plant as safety inspector

                         is about to earn you some recognition.

                         Mr. Smithers is holding two envelopes.

                         Will it be good...or BAD?  (laughing

                         evilly) Choose one, Simpson.

 

               We see smithers with an envelope in each hand, smiling

               broadly.

 

                                     SMITHERS

                         Which will it be Simpson?

 

               Homer has a look of total confidence.

 

                                     HOMER

                         I'll take the left one, please.

 

               Smithers hands the envelope to Mr. Burns. He opens it, smiles

               broadly, then turns it for homer to see.

 

                                     MR. BURNS

                         Homer Simpson, you're FIRED!!

 

               A close up of Homers exasperated face. Then a view of Smithers

               and Mr. Burns laughing in joy.

 

                                     SMITHERS

                         You should have taken the other one

                         Simpson.(Laughing)

 

               Homer turns and walks away slowly, mumbling to himself on

               the way out.

 

                                     HOMER

                         I DID take the other one...what

                         happened?

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Three

 

               SCENE 10

 

               FADE IN:

 

               INT: HOMER'S CAR IN PARKING LOT

 

               Homer is still talking to himself in disbelief.

 

                                     HOMER

                         How could I go wrong? I did the

                         opposite...this cant be right.

 

               We see him driving through Springfield. He approaches the

               Springfield Unemployment Office.

 

               INT: SPRINGFIELD UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE

 

               Snake is in line, with dollar bills sticking out of his

               pockets. Cletus is also in line, wearing a snazzy suit, a

               gold necklace and gold rings on each hand. Homer looks off

               to the side and see's three people sitting down who look

               familiar.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Hey, don't I know you?

 

                                     MICHAEL RICHARDS

                         (Puffing on a pipe) Ohhhhh, you might.

                         The three of us use to be quite an

                         act on TV.

 

                                     HOMER

                         AAHHHH!!! You're Kramer!

 

                                     MICHAEL RICHARDS

                         Yeah, well, I used to be...once upon

                         a time.

 

                                     HOMER

                         And you're Elaine!

 

                                     JULIA LOUISE DREYFUSS

                         Yup, that was me.

 

                                     JASON ALEXANDER

                         Hi, I'm Jason, I used to play George.

 

               Homer grabs Jason by the neck.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Why you little!!! Just do the

                         opposite, ehh?!  Now look where it's

                         gotten me!

 

               Julia and Michael pull Homer away from Jason.

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         Hey c'mon pal, take it easy, we're

                         all on a bit of a downer.

 

                                     HOMER

                         What are the three of you doing here

                         in Springfield?

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         Wellll, there's no way I can afford

                         the hollywood lifestyle now!

 

                                     JASON

                         Same here. I've been doing commercials

                         for chicken feed.  Literally, no

                         money, just chicken.

 

                                     HOMER

                         And you? (looking at Julia)

 

                                     JULIA

                         Wellll, ya know. Jerry canceled the

                         show, I spent some extra time with

                         the hubby and kids, I started my own

                         TV show, yadda, yadda, yadda, here I

                         am.

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         Soooo, what line of work are you in

                         buddy?

 

                         TV? Movies?

 

                                     HOMER

                         Yeah, I wish. I'm a safety inspector

                         for a nuclear power plant.  That is

                         I was, until MR. Burns fired me for

                         picking the wrong envelope this

                         morning. Now I'm just Homer Simpson,

                         unemployed.

 

               Julia, Michael and Jason all look at each with a look of

               surprise on their face.

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         It's BRILLIANT!!

 

                                     JULIA

                         It's FANTASTIC!!

 

                                     HOMER

                         What?

 

                                     JASON

                         It, it, it's UNBELIEVABLE!!

 

                                     HOMER

                         What the hell are you talking about?

 

               Michael puts his arms around Homer and gives him a big hug.

               Then he steps back and puts his hands on his shoulders.

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         Homer, the three of us have been

                         trying to put a show together, but

                         we couldn't come up with a work

                         setting.

 

                                     HOMER

                         And you think a nuclear power plant

                         is the right setting?

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         Giddyup!

 

                                     JASON

                         How would you like to help us create

                         a brand new TV program that'll blow

                         away anything that's ever been done

                         before?

 

                                     HOMER

                         Me work in TV?

 

                                     JULIA

                         This could be the opportunity of a

                         lifetime.

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         Will you help us, Homer Simpson,

                         executive consultant of The Uranium

                         Files?

 

                                     HOMER

                         Giddyup!

 

                                     MICHAEL, JASON & JULIA

                         (Together) WOO HOO!!

 

                                     HOMER

                         I knew I picked the right envelope!

 

               Michael gives him the thumbs up sign.

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         Giddyup again, partner.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Soooo... what network will be airing

                         this...ABC? NBC? CBS? HBO?

 

                                     JASON

                         No, none of those.

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         We're going with FOX.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Fox??  Eeewwww!  Why Fox?

 

                                     JULIA

                         (Depressed) They're the only ones

                         who will have us.

                              (SEINFELD NOISE)

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Three

 

               SCENE 11

 

               FADE IN:

 

               EXT: THE SIMPSONS HOME - LATER

 

                                                                    CUT TO:

 

               INT: KITCHEN

 

               Marge is washing dishes. Homer walks in.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Marge!! You won't believe the day

                         I'm having! I've been doing the

                         opposite and I've won $100, lost my

                         job and then accepted a new job in

                         television!

 

                                     MARGE

                              (SHOVING HOMER OVER

                              BACKWARDS)

                         Get OUT!!

 

                                     HOMER

                         (recovering) No Marge, it's true!

 

                                     MARGE

                         No Homer, I mean get out, you're

                         ruining my freshly waxed floor! Get

                         out, get out, get out!

 

               Homer grabs Marge and leads her into the living room where

               Michael, Jason & Julia are sitting on the couch.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Marge, meet my new associates, George,

                         Elaine & Kramer.

 

                                     MICHAEL

                         Homer, it's not Kramer, it's..

 

                                     HOMER

                         Oh right, I'm sorry. It's Cosmo.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Oh my god!  Julia, Michael & Jason,

                         it's really you!

 

               The three actors smile and nod.  Marge cups her hand over

               her mouth.

 

                                     MARGE

                         What'll the neighbors think?

 

               Marge goes over to the curtains and pulls them shut.  As

               she's pulling them shut, she notices Ned pleading with Rod &

               Todd to stop crying.  She frowns and looks back at the four

               adults in the living room.

 

                                     MARGE

                         (To the three actors) Excuse us.

 

               Marge pulls Homer into the dining area, but not out of ear

               shot of the others.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Homer, what on earth were you

                         thinking?

 

               Homer shrugs his shoulders and grunts the words "I don't

               know".

 

                                     HOMER

                         (Grunting) I dunno.

 

                                     MARGE

                         You had a solid working position at

                         the plant, now you're gambling on

                         those three?

 

               The three guests all look at each other solemnly.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Marge, how can you say that? These

                         people were part of the greatest

                         sitcom ever.  Seinfeld!

 

                                     MARGE

                         Look, if you were banking on doing

                         something with Jerry or even that

                         guy who played Newman, I could see

                         your enthusiasm...but I'm sorry, I

                         think this is a big mistake.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Well fine, Marge.  Think that way,

                         but doing the opposite is the right

                         thing to do and it hasn't failed

                         yet.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Oh really? Just what kind of advice

                         did you give Ned this morning?

 

                                     HOMER

                         The total opposite of what I really

                         felt, which if all is right in the

                         world, should've made the morning a

                         little bumpy for dear old

                         flanders...heh, heh, heh.

 

               Marge leads Homer to the front window and opens the curtains.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Take a look at what your great advice

                         has done for him. He and the kids

                         were humiliated in front of two

                         charity groups today for being too

                         late to help!

 

               Homer looks out at Ned and the boys and a great look of shame

               comes over him.

 

                                     HOMER

                         (Shocked) I didn't realize just how

                         powerful this opposite thing was.

 

               Pan out to the Flander's again and then back to a sadder

               looking Homer.

 

                                     HOMER

                         (Sadly) Ohhhh, Marge, what should I

                         do?  I really want to help him.  How

                         can I do that without screwing up?

 

               Marge steps forward and grabs Homers hands in hers.

 

                                     MARGE

                         Ohhhh Homer...for just this one time,

                         forget all about the opposite thing

                         and just follow your heart.

 

               A look of uncertainty grows on Homer.

 

                                     MARGE

                         I have faith in you Homer...

 

               She looks over at the 3 actors sitting on the couch.

 

                                     MARGE

                         ...and your friends too.

 

               He looks toward the three actors on the couch. He stares for

               a few moments and then a slow smile comes to his face.

 

                                     HOMER

                         I've got it!!

 

               He turns to marge and gives her a big kiss.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Thank you Marge!

 

               Homer turns to the three on the couch.

 

                                     HOMER

                         (Quickly) Kramer, Elaine,

                         George...we've got a job to do!

 

                                     MICHAEL, JULIA & JASON

                         (TOGETHER) A JOB!!!!

 

               (SEINFELD NOISE)

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Three

 

               SCENE 12

 

               FADE IN:

 

               EXT: SPRINGFIELD MALL - DAY TIME

 

               A long line of people extends outside the mall.

 

               INT: SPRINGFIELD MALL - LEFTORIUM STOREFRONT

 

               The line of people goes to the front of Ned's store. A table

               is set up with a sign overhead that reads:

 

               "AUTOGRAPH SESSION WITH THREE MEMBERS OF SEINFELD". 

 

               100% of proceeds to benefit the Springfield Choir & the

               Helping Hands Community group.

 

               Michael, Julia & Jason are seated at the table. On either

               side are alter boys with the collection plates on polls,

               with a sign on each that says "Donations: $20 minimum". They

               pass the collection plate in front of each autograph seeker,

               then dump them into two large barrels of money.

 

               Among the people in line are members of the rock group AC/DC,

               most notably Angus Young in his schoolboy outfit, seen talking

               to the nun from the monte carlo night.

 

                                     NUN

                         So, are you boys big fans?

 

                                     ANGUS YOUNG

                         No, not really. We just like to stop

                         for worthy causes when we're out on

                         tour.  You're here to support the

                         cause as well?

 

                                     NUN

                         Oh, oh yes...and I also want to meet

                         that Kramer character. There's just

                         something about him...

 

               Cut to Ned and the boys coming up the escalator. Homer and

               the rest of the family are at the top encouraging him to

               hurry.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Neddy, Come quick! Hurry!

 

               Ned & the boy's run up the escalator.

 

                                     NED

                         What's going on Homer?

 

                                     HOMER

                         Here you are Neddy, just a little

                         help for your groups by some of my

                         friends.

 

                                     NED

                         Oh my Lord...

 

               Cut to the front of the line where comic book guy and Moe

               are 1st and 2nd in line.

 

                                     COMIC BOOK GUY

                         Jason, I am a BIG Seinfeld fan, but

                         that episode where George gets a

                         front office job with the

                         Yankees...Worst episode ever!

 

               Moe is addressing Julia & Michael.

 

                                     MOE

                         Yeah, well, I'm just here to support

                         the causes and to tell you three

                         that I think it really blows, the

                         way you ditched poor Jerry and made

                         him cancel the show. You should be

                         ashamed of yourselves!

 

               Moe looks straight at Jason.

 

                                     MOE

                         At least you got chicken to eat,

                         poor Jerry is back working comedy

                         clubs...and you know how crappy they

                         pay.

 

               We see Jerry and his wife Jessica, dressed to the nines,

               pushing a lavish baby carriage.

 

                                     JESSICA

                         What's going on over there?

 

               Jerry notices his three former co-stars, but keeps walking.

 

                                     JERRY

                         Ummmmmm...nothing. Nothing at all.

 

               They continue walking right on by.

 

                                     JERRY

                         (Quietly to himself) Just a whole

                         lot of nothing.

 

               Cut to Homer & Ned standing together watching the crowd.

 

                                     NED

                         Thank you Homer.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Don't mention it Neddy.

 

               Ned shakes Homer's hand.

 

                                     NED

                         Once again Homer, you've proven to

                         be a fine friend.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Rrright back at ya, Neighborino.

 

               Homer and Ned hug.

 

               Bart and Lisa stare at each other in shock.

 

                                     BART

                         Are you feeling what I'm feeling?

 

                                     LISA

                         Yes!  It's like deja vu.

 

                                     BART

                         Nahhh...it's more like jumping a

                         shark.

 

               We see Bart & Lisa look at each and after a moments pause,

               they just shrug their shoulders and then put an arm around 

               a proudly smiling Marge who's holding Maggie.

 

                                     MAGGIE

                         Suck-Suck.

 

                                                                  FADE OUT:

 

               Act Three

 

               SCENE 13

 

               FADE IN:

 

               EXT: SIMPSONS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS- NIGHT TIME

 

               A message at the bottom of the screen says "2 months later"

 

                                                                    CUT TO:

 

               INT: SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM

 

               We see the entire family sitting in front of the TV.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Well Marge, are you ready to eat

                         your words?

 

                                     BART

                         Save some for us, we need to eat

                         too.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Why you little...

 

                                     MARGE

                         Homer! I'm sure your show is going

                         to be great. I'm sorry if I doubted

                         you at first.

 

                                     LISA

                         We're all proud of you, Dad!

 

                                     BART

                         Yeah, you're the man, Homeboy.

 

                                     MAGGIE

                              (SUCK, SUCK)

                         Maggie gives a thumbs up.

 

               We see a close up of the TV. An opening shot reads:        

               " The Uranium Files"..starring Michael Richards...Jason

               Alexander...and Julia Louise Dreyfuss. A pan back to Homer.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Thank you all soooo much, I knew you

                         would see how right the opposite can

                         be.

 

               Back to the TV. It now reads: Executive Producer...Homer

               Simpson.. The TV goes blank for a few seconds. Then a voice

               is heard saying...

 

                                     TV ANNOUNCER

                         The Uranium Files has been canceled.

                         We now bring you a better program.

 

               We see the opening credits for : "America's Ugliest

               Bachelor's". Back to Homer.

 

                                     HOMER

                         (Aghast) What happened?

 

                                     BART

                         Well Homer, you've succeeded once

                         again!

 

                         You just crushed Chevy Chase's

                         unbreakable record.

 

                                     HOMER

                         What??  That cant be! I did the

                         opposite.The opposite, Marge!

 

                                     MARGE

                         Well Homey, if you still want to

                         follow that theory, then it stands

                         to reason now, that every opposite

                         decision you have will be wrong, so

                         now your initial decision will be

                         right, just the way it ought to be.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Hmmmm...could it be that simple?

 

                                     LISA

                         Ya know Dad, The Osbornes are really

                         BIG these days, maybe your next show

                         should be a family based reality

                         series.

 

                                     HOMER

                         Heyyy...you make a good point. We

                         could call it The Simpsons!

 

                                     MARGE

                         (laughing) Heh, heh, heh. The Simpsons

                         on Fox, I wonder how long that would

                         last?  Heh, heh, heh.

 

                                     BART

                         Probably about 15...

 

               We see just a blue screen, then the ending credits start to

               roll.

 

                                     THE END

 

               

 

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