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Finale
I've always been dissatisfied with the Finale, so I wrote my shot at how I would have ended it. I will now officially recognize this as the final episode of the series, and those of you watching at home, feel free to do so as well. I'm particularly proud of the final scene. You may notice a few references to other famous finales.
 
SEINFELD- THE FINALE
BY: SCOTT SCHMITT
OPENING MONOLOGUE
JERRY:  It‚s always depressing when a once great TV show is on well past its prime. Take "Happy Days‰ for example. Do you realize that when the show ended, Fonzie was on Medicare? He went from saying "Ayyyyyyyyyyyy!‰ to "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy, my back!‰ You know how he would hit the jukebox, you know, to get it to play? Well they had to end the show because he broke his hip doing that. "Cheers‰ is another show that was on a long, long time. By the time they were wrapping that up, Norm‚s liver was roughly the size of an ottoman. Not to mention the stool rash. Why don‚t these people know when to call it quits? Just once I‚d like to see a show go out on top.

JERRY AND GEORGE SIT IN A BOOTH AT MONK‚S
GEORGE: I love croutons. I could eat my weight in croutons.
JERRY: Yeah croutons, you gotta love croutons.
GEORGE: I wish you could order croutons as a meal, or at least an appetizer.
JERRY: Yeah, At least an appetizer.
GEORGE: What‚s wrong with you today, you seem so disinterested and bored.
JERRY: Look at us! We‚re talking about croutons!
GEORGE: Well, what do you want to talk about?
JERRY: All we ever do is talk. I don‚t think there‚s anything left to talk about. I mean look at this pathetic little world of ours. We get up, you come over to my place, we come here, we eat crappy tuna, and soup with rubber bands in it, and yap about nothing. Frankly, I‚m getting tired of it. There‚s got to be something more to life than this.
GEORGE: Hey bucko! Need I remind you that we‚ve been down this road before. We were gonna mature. We were gonna grow up, become men, get engaged. We shook hands, WE HAD A PACT! And you reneged.
JERRY: I did not renege. I got engaged to what‚s her face. The female me.
GEORGE: You were engaged for a cup of coffee for God‚s sake.
JERRY: Yeah, well you didn‚t exactly make it to the altar either.
GEORGE: Susan died from licking toxic envelopes! I can‚t be held responsible!
JERRY: Yeah, I‚m sure you had nothing to do with it.
GEORGE: Are you implying that I killed Susan?
JERRY: No, that‚s not what I said.
GEORGE: Well you said it in a very accusational manner.
JERRY: "Accusational‰ is not a word.
GEORGE: Sure it is.
JERRY: No it‚s not.
GEORGE: It‚s a perfectly cromulent word.
JERRY:  "Cromulent‰ isn‚t a word, either.
GEORGE: Care to make it interesting?
JERRY: No, no I don‚t. Let‚s just drop it!
GEORGE: Why are you so agitated? Did you take a shower today?
JERRY: Yeah I took a shower. It‚s just that I have this feeling.
GEORGE: Feeling? You have a feeling?
JERRY: It‚s difficult to explain. I just get a sense like this chapter of our lives is about to end, and another is gonna begin.
GEORGE: That‚s a little ominous, don‚t you think?
JERRY: Is it?
GEORGE: I‚m scared now. WATER! I need WATER!
JERRY: It doesn‚t have to end badly.
GEORGE: Yes, yes it does! If there‚s one thing that I‚ve learned, it‚s that EVERYTHING ends badly!
JERRY: Well, perhaps things just end badly because you think they‚re gonna end badly.
GEORGE: I don‚t follow.
JERRY: If we‚re determined to end it well, maybe we can pull it off.
GEORGE: So how the hell are you gonna end this "chapter‰ well?
JERRY: I don‚t know. Maybe I‚ll get engaged again.
GEORGE: Yeah? To who?
JERRY: I don‚t know. Elaine.
GEORGE: That‚s great! All these years, I‚ve always wanted to see you two get back together. You‚re perfect for each other. You‚re soul mates. You‚re like Superman and Lois Lane!
JERRY: Jeez, Georgie, I was kidding.
GEORGE: Yeah well, you should. I mean think about it. You think you‚re gonna have a better relationship with another woman than the one you have with her? You‚re not friends with any of your other ex-girlfriends. You date a different girl every week, but Elaine‚s always been there. For the last nine years, you‚ve been looking for the perfect relationship, and what do you have to show for it? Face it, Elaine is it!
JERRY: She seems like an it.
GEORGE: She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells us he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont... We'd have to kill him.
JERRY: Haven‚t we had this conversation before?
GEORGE: You think?
JERRY: I think we have.
George: Yeah, maybe we have. Anyway, I think you two should get married.
JERRY: I tell ya, I don't see it happening. Besides, she‚s with Puddy, again.
GEORGE: Is she? I thought they broke up?
JERRY: Oh, who the hell knows?
GEORGE: Well, tell you what. If you don‚t propose to her, I‚m going to!
JERRY: Yeah, okay, and I‚ll propose to Kramer.
GEORGE: I‚m serious. I could see the two of us married.
JERRY: And what, are you gonna make a spin-off out of it.
GEORGE: A spin-off? Of what?
JERRY: Of our current series.of events.
GEORGE: What an odd thing to say.
THEY SIT SILENT FOR A MOMENT
JERRY: You ready to go?
GEORGE: Yeah. Hey Kenny Bania‚s new show debuts tonight on NBC. Are you gonna watch it?
JERRY: I can‚t believe they gave that clown his own show. And in such a cushy time slot.
GEORGE: Well I‚m looking forward to it.
[THEY GET UP AND LEAVE]
JERRY: Hey, do you really think you have the guts to ask Elaine to marry you?
GEORGE: I wish.
 
JERRY AND GEORGE IN JERRY‚S APARTMENT
GEORGE: Why do you say you have this feeling? I mean it might just be something you ate.
JERRY: Forget it, I‚m sorry I mentioned it.
GEORGE: What do you think she would say?
JERRY: Who? Elaine?
GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: I think she would fear for her life. Why put her through that?
[BUZZER RINGS]
ELAINE: It‚s me
JERRY: Come on up. Well, Biff, here‚s your shot.
GEORGE: You know, I just said that to try and motivate you to ask her.
JERRY: Yeah well, that‚s like bluffing with a six high.
GEORGE: Just trying to be a good friend.
JERRY: Why would you start now?
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE: Hey.
JERRY: Hi.
GEORGE: Well, I better get going. I wanna get home in time to catch the debut of "Bania‰. So.
JERRY: Wait a second, George, don‚t you have a question to pop?
ELAINE: What do you mean?
JERRY: Don‚t you have something to ask Elaine?
GEORGE: Uh, yeah. Uh, how are things with Puddy?
ELAINE: Ugh. It‚s over. For good this time.
GEORGE: Hey that‚s great. Well, onward, and upward.
[GEORGE EXITS]
JERRY: So what was the deal breaker this time.
ELAINE: He ate nothing but French onion dip for a week.
[KRAMER MAKES HIS TRADEMARK ENTRANCE WEARING A TUXEDO. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS WILDLY.]
Kramer: Hey buddy. Hello, my love.
ELAINE: Hey Kramer, what‚s up with the tux?
KRAMER: Ah darling, don‚t you remember our arrangement.
ELAINE: What the hell are you talking about?
KRAMER: We made a pact that if neither of us were married in four years, the two of us would get married. Well here we are, four years later, both single.Let‚s get hitched!
ELAINE: It was fifty years you jackass. FIFTY! Not four.
Kramer: I‚m really hurt that you‚re trying to back out of this. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost.
ELAINE: I‚m not backing out, the deal was fifty years!
KRAMER: Hey, Jerry. Were you here when we made the deal?
JERRY: Yeah, it‚s my apartment.
KRAMER: Was it four years or fifty years?
JERRY: Oh, I don‚t remember. Fifty-four maybe? Why don‚t you split the difference?
ELAINE: Face it, Kramer. We‚re not getting married.
KRAMER: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??!?!? I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL?!?!?
[KRAMER EXITS CRYING]
JERRY: That‚s a shame. I think it would be interesting if you two got married.
ELAINE: Oh yeah?
JERRY: Yeah it would make a funny spin-off.
ELAINE: Spin-off? Of what
Elaine: Maybe I should just get married.
Jerry: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?
Elaine: I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.
Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Elaine: You can say that again.
JERRY: Haven‚t we had this conversation before?
ELAINE You think?
JERRY: I think we have.
ELAINE: Yeah, maybe we have.
[KRAMER ENTERS, GRABS A JAR OF PICKLES FROM JERRY‚S REFRIGERATOR, THEN EXITS AVOIDING ELAINE.]
JERRY: Maybe you should marry Kramer. I mean, he‚s willing to marry you, you‚re not getting any younger, you pick fights with all your boyfriends.
ELAINE: Enough! I do want to get married soon. I‚m getting out. I can‚t keep this up much longer. But, I don‚t wanna marry some hipster doofus.
JERRY: I think I‚d like to give marriage another shot.
ELAINE: Another shot? When were you married?
JERRY: Well, we weren‚t "officially‰ married.
ELAINE: You‚re the most shallow man on the planet. You think you‚re gonna make some woman feel special.
JERRY: Yes! Yes I do. It‚s really a matter of who.
ELAINE: Well, You always find yourself finding your way back to your one true love,
JERRY: But who is it?
ELAINE: You figure it out. Maybe it‚s George
JERRY: We‚re not gay! Not that there‚s anything wrong with that!
ELAINE: No, not at all. So what are you doing tonight? You wanna go see a movie?
JERRY: Nah - what for?
ELAINE: To see a movie.
JERRY: I've been to the movies.
ELAINE: Not this movie.
JERRY: They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.
ELAINE: What‚s with you today?
JERRY: I don‚t know. Do you ever get the feeling that change is eminent?
ELAINE: It usually winds up being gas.
ELAINE: So are we on for the movies tonight
JERRY: Nah, I think I‚ll just stay home and watch TV.
ELAINE: Alright, see ya.
JERRY: Bye.
[JERRY TURNS ON "BANIA‰ IT STARTS WITH THE OPENING CREDITS WHICH SHOW BANIA GIVING A MONOLOGUE WITH A BASS RIFT IN THE BACKGROUND]
BANIA: So what‚s the deal with risk management?
JERRY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE CHANGES CHANNEL TO A NEWS SHOW
REPORTER: Russel Dalrymple, you‚ve just climbed Mt. Everest for the second time. What are you going to do now?
RUSSELL: I‚m going to find Elaine Benes!
JERRY: That‚s the guy that screwed up my pilot!!
 
A MENTAL INSTITUTION
Doctor: Well, Mr. Divola, after years of treatment, we‚ve determined that you're no longer a threat to yourself or others.
HE GIVES DIVOLA A CERTIFICATE THAT SAYS "SANE‰
You‚re free to go.
CRAZY JOE: First mission, find ELAINE!
CRAZY JOE LEAVES
DOCTOR: Don‚t forget your clown suit!
 
ON A RATTLESNAKE SPEEDWAY, IN THE UTAH DESERT, RICKY(THE GUY FROM THE SUBWAY WHO LIKES TV GUIDE, AND DESIGNED THE MANNIQUIN THAT LOOKED LIKE ELAINE, IS CARVING SOMETHING INTO AN ENORMOUS ROCK.
RICKY: My masterpiece is complete!
CAMERA PANS OUT TO REVEAL A GIANT IMAGE OF ELAINE CARVED IN TO ROCK.
RICKY: I call it, "Elaine‰. Now, to find her!
[SCENE FADES OUT]
ACT 2
 
JERRY AND ELAINE IN THE VIDEO STORE
JERRY: You know, maybe the one you‚re looking for has been right in front of you this whole time. You just haven‚t realized it.
ELAINE: Yeah, maybe you‚re right!
JERRY: I am?!
ELAINE: Yeah, maybe it‚s Puddy!
JERRY: Elaine, I can‚t believe I‚m saying this, but.Plan 9 from Outer Space is out on video!

ACT 2- JERRY‚S APARTMENT. JERRY‚S WATCHING TV, BUT OVERHEARS KRAMER IN THE HALL.
KRAMER: Oh, buddy, I‚m gonna miss you!
JERRY: What‚s going on out here? Oh. Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.
KRAMER: Newman‚s getting transferred!
JERRY: HE IS!! THAT‚S FANTASTIC!! WHERE TO?!
NEWMAN: Hawaii! The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps. The guy who got the transfer over me last time met an unfortunate fate. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
JERRY: HAWAII! THAT‚S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!! I‚M NEVER GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN!!
KRAMER: This is depressing. Who‚s gonna assist me in my moneymaking ventures?
NEWMAN: Alas Kramer, parting is such sweet sorry. I must begin to pack, for my route starts Monday. One last thing. Seinfeld, I always considered you a worthy adversary.
JERRY: Newman..I am so glad you‚re leaving!
NEWMAN: Goodbye, Jerry.
JERRY: Goodbye, Newman.
 
ELAINE KNOCKS ON PUDDY‚S DOOR. PUDDY ANSWERS IN PAJAMAS.
ELAINE: Hi!
PUDDY: Oh, it‚s you. I‚m over you.
GILLIAN (MAN HANDS) APPEARS AND KISSES PUDDY
GILLIAN: Elaine?
ELAINE: Man hands?
GILLIAN: Nice to meet you again. (SHAKES HER HAND)
ELAINE: Ow!
PUDDY: High five! (HIGH FIVES GILLIAN)
 
JERRY, ELAINE, AND GEORGE AT MONK‚S
ELAINE: So who should be there, but man hands herself. My hand still hurts.
JERRY: That‚s a shame. Did I tell you what happened to Newman?
GEORGE: No, what?
JERRY: He did something horrible to the guy that got the transfer he wanted over him last time, so now he got the route!
ELAINE: That‚s great!
JERRY: I know! He‚s moving to Hawaii! I‚m still giddy over it.
GEORGE: Maybe, that‚s the chapter that‚s ending.
JERRY: Perhaps, but I still sense something bigger is to come.
GEORGE: I got it!! I‚m gonna go out there and achieve my dream, baby!
GEORGE RUNS OFF.
ELAINE: I think I‚ll get the big salad.
 
GEORGE IS IN AN OFFICE BEING INTERVIEWED
ART VANDELAY: So you worked at Kruger Industries? And you were the assistant to the traveling secretary for the Yankees?
GEORGE: That‚s right, Mr. Vandelay. They won the World Series while I was there, by the way.
VANDELAY: And before that you were in real estate. You also worked as a hand model, an editor for Pendant Publishing, and you were a marine biologist?!
GEORGE: Uh, that‚s right.
VANDELAY: Well, Mr. Costanza, you‚re more than qualified for the position. Welcome aboard. You are now officially an architect!
 
JERRY AND KRAMER WALK DOWN THE STREET.
KRAMER: Hey, there‚s my friend, Bob Sacamano!
JERRY: Where?!
KRAMER: There, by that bakery.
CAMERA SHOWS SCAMANO, BUT AS HE TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL HIS FACE, HE IS HIT BY A PIE FLYING OUT THE WINDOW.
JERRY: Good looking guy.
KRAMER: He‚s quite a character.
JERRY: So, I was thinking, maybe there‚s something more to life than this.
Kramer: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't.
Jerry: There isn't?
Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry:? Marriage? Family?
Jerry: Well...
Kramer: They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.
Jerry: I can?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day?
JERRY: Haven't we had this conversation before?
KRAMER: You think?
JERRY: I think we have.
KRAMER: Yeah, maybe we have.
JERRY: (NOTICES MAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET)Hey, is that.is that Joe Davola?!?!
KRAMER: (SCARED) Where?!?!
JERRY: He‚s coming right towards us!
KRAMER: I‚m outta here! (RUNS AWAY)
DIVOLA: (PSYCHOTICALLY) Hi, Jerry. Do you know where Elaine is?
JERRY: Uh, no.
DIVOLA: Well you tell her I‚m looking for her.
 
ACT 3 SCENE A- JERRY‚S APARTMENT
KRAMER: So he just asked where Elaine was?
JERRY: Yeah, and then he left.
BUZZER RINGS
ELAINE: It‚s me.
JERRY: Come on up. Wait till I tell her.
KRAMER: Oh, I‚m not ready to face her again. It‚s too soon.
JERRY: Too soon?
KRAMER: She broke my heart, Jerry! I‚m not like you, I can‚t just pick up the pieces and move on. She hurt me in a deep and profound manner.
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE: Hey.
JERRY: Hello.
KRAMER LEAVES
JERRY: So you‚ll never guess who I saw walking down the street today.
ELAINE: Bruce Springsteen?
JERRY: No, it was somebody that was looking for you.
ELAINE: Jake Jarmel?
JERRY: No.
ELAINE: JFK Jr.? Keith Hernandez?
JERRY: No! Remember "Crazy‰ Joe Divola?
ELAINE: GET OUT! (SHE PUSHES JERRY) He said he was looking for me?
JERRY: Yup
ELAINE: Well what am I gonna do? What do you suppose he wants from me?
JERRY: I don‚t know, maybe the same thing that NBC guy wants.
ELAINE: Russell, what‚s his name?
JERRY: Yeah, I saw him on the news. He just climbed Everest. Again. And now he‚s looking for you.
ELAINE: Wow. I‚m scared.and yet quite flattered.
JERRY: Who knows, maybe one of them is your  "soul mate‰.

GEORGE IN HIS OFFICE
VANDELAY: George, these are the architects you‚ll be working with.
BARRY: Hi, I‚m Barry, this is my brother Darren, and this is my other brother Darren.
 
 
JERRY AND ELAINE WALK DOWN THE STREET
ELAINE: Isn‚t that Sue Ellen Mitchke
JERRY: Who?
ELAINE: The heiress to the O, Henry candy bar fortune? The braless wonder!
JERRY: Oh! Your Lex Luther!
SUE ELLEN: Oh, hi, Elaine.
ELAINE: Hi, what are you doing here.
SUE ELLEN: Oh, I‚m just waiting for my husband.
MAN EXITS GROCERY STORE. IT‚S THE SOUP NAZI. HE KISSES SUE ELLEN
ELAINE: The Soup Nazi!
SUE ELLEN: He‚s re-opening his soup place. With my funding he‚s developed 12 new recipes.
SOUP NAZI(TO ELAINE): And I better not see you there. No soup for you!
JERRY: Do you have any new bisques?
 
GEORGE VISITS HIS PARENTS
GEORGE: So I‚m gonna be an architect!
Frank: Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you.
Estelle: Why would they hire you?
GEORGE: I don‚t know! But they did!
ESTELLE: What will you be doing?
GEORGE: I‚ll be designing buildings!
Frank: Without the architecture, you have nothing. You're the ones that make the buildings look good!
Estelle: Since when do you know how to design buildings? I never saw you design anything.
George: Ma?!
Estelle: I don't know how you're going to design all those buildings. And where are you get all the ideas?
Frank: Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!
 
JERRY AND ELAINE WALK DOWN THE STREET
JERRY: I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand, walking through the streets of Soho in the rain.
ELAINE: Really?
JERRY: Yeah, he was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fooks. Going to get a big dish of beef chow mein.
ELAINE: Oh my god! It‚s that guy from the subway?
JERRY: The naked guy?
ELAINE: No, the TV guide guy!
RICKY: Elaine! You look scrumptious!
ELAINE: Uh, hi.
RICKY: I was looking for you. I came all the way from Utah, where I made a present for you.
ELAINE: Oh? Really?
RICKY: Yeah, I have a picture of it.
SHOWS HER PICTURE
ELAINE: Yikes!
JERRY: That‚s a nice job on the nose.
RICKY: Oh, is that your boyfriend?
ELAINE: Uh, yes. Yes it is! This is my boyfriend, Jerry.
JERRY: I‚m, uh, the boyfriend.
ELAINE: Well, uh, we gotta go catch our flight to the Poconos.
JERRY: No, we don‚t
ELAINE: Yes, we do
JERRY: No we don‚t
ELAINE: Shut up.
ELAINE LEADS JERRY AWAY
JERRY: Well that was nice, reprising my award-winning role.
ELAINE: Can you believe he carved my face into that rock?!
JERRY: This is fun, I wonder who else we‚re gonna run in to.
 
JERRY AND ELAINE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. JERRY NOTICES RUSSELL
JERRY: There‚s the guy from NBC! I‚m gonna let him hear it! (JERRY RUNS TOWARDS HIM)
ELAINE: Jerry, no!
RUSSELL: Elaine! I just got back from Tibet! I climbed Mt. Everest, again. I put a flag with your picture of it on top.
ELAINE: Well, uh, that‚s very sweet and all, but, uh.
JERRY: Screw up my deal at NBC, will ya?!?!?!? (HE PUNCHES HIM)
Why did you leave?!? "Jerry‰ was gonna be huge!!
 
JERRY AND ELAINE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. JERRY NOTICES DIVOLA
JERRY: Holy Crap! It‚s Crazy Joe Divola!
ELAINE: Did he see us?! Let‚s go.
THEY RUN AWAY
JERRY: Come on! You see? Never run from a psychopath with a girl. 'Cuz a girl
runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing
out... You wanna get away from this guy, you've gotta run like a man!
Get your knees up!
THEY TURN A CORNER, BUT COME FACE TO FACE WITH CRAZY JOE
DIVOLA: Hey Jerry. Sorry the pilot didn‚t work out.
JERRY: Uh. Yeah.
DIVOLA: Elaine, is this the guy you left me for?
ELAINE: Well, uh, ..
DIVOLA: Well, I just wanna say I‚m sorry, and wish you two good luck. Now if you don‚t mind, I have a bus to catch. (HE BOARDS A BUS)
JERRY: Nice guy.
 
SCENE C- PHONE RINGS, JERRY ANSWERS
JERRY: Hello?
Kimbrough: Hello, this is James Kimbrough, the new President here at NBC.
JERRY: Oh, hi.
Kimbrough: Well, we‚re please to tell you that we‚re going to pick up your show. A thirteen episode commitment.
JERRY: Really?!? That‚s great!
Kimbrough: Yes, we believe "Bania‰ has a lot of potential.
JERRY: I‚m sorry, Bania?
Kimbrough: This is Kenny Bania, right?
JERRY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
 
JERRY‚S APARTMENT, KRAMER ENTERS
JERRY: Hey.
KRAMER: Uh, hi.
JERRY: What‚s wrong?
KRAMER: Jerry, I have to go. I got the call.
JERRY: From your home planet?
KRAMER: There‚s something I never told you. Along time ago, before I moved here, I was in the CIA.
JERRY: What was that?
KRAMER: And I got out, you know. I just wanted to get away, to put that behind me. But I‚ve been running my past for too long. I got the call today, Jerry. Just when I think I‚m out, they pull me back in!
 
SHOT OF NEWMAN IN HAWAII, SPILLING COCOANUT JUICE ON HIS MAIL.
 
JERRY AND KRAMER OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT BUILDING
KRAMER: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we will see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I hear a humorous observation or see a cheesy mullet, I'll think of you.
JERRY: Whenever I see somebody shave with butter, I'll think of you.
KRAMER: Or the next time somebody shaves his chest
JERRY: ...or when somebody burns down a cabin, or sets up a talk-show set inside his apartment.
KRAMER: I'll miss you.
JERRY: I'll miss you--a lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here!
KRAMER BOARDS A HELICOPTER. IT TAKES OFF AS THEME FROM M*A*S*H* PLAYS.  
 
VANDELAY: Oh, George, could you mail these invitations for me? We‚re having a party to open the newest building we designed.
GEORGE: Uh, I don‚t know. I have a bad history with invitations.
VANDELAY: Come on, just drop them off in the mailbox.
GEORGE: Well.okay.
GEORGE GOES TO MAIL THE INVITATION
GEORGE: (TO HIMSELF) Alright, just keep cool. Nothing can go wrong. Just put them in the box.
A GOLF BALL HITS GEORGE IN THE HEAD AND THE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. GEORGE WAKES UP IN HIS BED AND CALLS JERRY.
 
JERRY: Hello?
GEORGE: Jerry! I just had the most bizarre dream! I was an architect!
JERRY: Who is this?
GEORGE: I was an architect and my boss‚s name was Vandelay! And he was having a party, and he asked me to mail the invitations, and a golf ball hit me in the head!
JERRY: That‚s a shame.
GEORGE: And Jerry, you should really think about wearing more sweaters.
JERRY: What an odd thing to say.
GEORGE: So you wanna go get something at the coffee shop?
JERRY: ISn‚t it closed now?
GEORGE: Not for another 15 minutes. We can make it if we hurry.
JERRY: Well, okay.
 
JERRY AND GEORGE WALK UP TO MONK‚S. MONK IS INSIDE STRAIGHTENING A PICTURE OF GERMONIMO. GEORGE KNOCKS ON DOOR.
 
MONK: Sorry, we‚re closed.
CHEERS THEME MUSIC PLAYS
SCENE ENDS
 
JERRY AND ELAINE IN JERRY‚S APARTMENT, THE NEXT DAY
ELAINE: I tell ya, I don‚t know if its ever gonna happen for me.
JERRY: Well, you always come back to your one true love.
ELAINE: That‚s what I told you. But who the hell is it?!!?
JERRY: Maybe, he‚s been right in front of you the whole time.
ELAINE: It‚s not Puddy!
Jerry: I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.
Elaine: Do you have an apple or anything?
Jerry: Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble.
Elaine: Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.
Jerry: Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning...
Elaine: Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!
Jerry: When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in
front of us!
Elaine: Haven‚t we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
ELAINE: I think we have.
JERRY: Yeah, maybe we have.
ELAINE: S what‚s your point?
JERRY: What if we got married?
ELAINE: Married? Us? GET OUT!
JERRY: Come on, come on. Now, look, we both find each other attractive, right?
ELAINE: Yeah.
JERRY: Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of us.
ELAINE: I suppose.
JERRY: Come on, we‚ll have a wedding, there‚ll be a lot of people to mock.
ELAINE: Well.
JERRY: Will you marry me?
ELAINE: Alright, Jerome, what the hell.
ELAINE ATTEMPTS TO HUG JERRY
JERRY: Elaine, there‚s no hugging in Seinfeld!
ELAINE KISSES HIM
JERRY: Now that is allowed.
ELAINE: Are you gonna get me a nice ring?
JERRY: Maybe I will, Laney, maybe I will. (Winks at camera).
 
BABU AT JFK AIRPORT.
BABU: I‚m going to get my revenge, Jerry! You are very bad!
SECURITY GUARD: I‚m sorry, your passport is invalid. We can‚t allow you to leave the terminal.
BABU: So what do I do?
SECURITY: You have to stay here in the terminal. But who knows, maybe you can make a movie about it.
 
JERRY, ELAINE, AND GEORGE IN JERRY‚S APRTMENT
JERRY: So he said he was in the CIA for years before he moved here, and they called him back for a mission.
ELAINE: (PUSHING JERRY) GET OUT!
GEORGE: So he just left? In a helicopter? Why didn‚t he say goodbye to me?!
JERRY: He said he had to go immediately. It sounded urgent.
GEORGE: Well he could‚ve at least called me! George is upset!
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER: Hey
KRAMER GOES TO THE FRIDGE
Kramer: Any mustard? This is empty.
Jerry: Yeah, there's a new one in there.
Kramer: No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles?
Jerry: Help yourself.
Kramer: Yeah, all right.
George: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Kramer: Getting something to eat.
ELAINE: Hey you guys wanna go get something at the coffee shop?
KRAMER: Yeah!
GEORGE: Yeah, okay.
ELAINE, KRAMER, AND GEORGE START TO LEAVE
ELAINE: Jerry, aren‚t you coming?
JERRY: Yeah, just a second.
ELAINE, KRAMER, AND GEORGE LEAVE. JERRY STAYS BEHIND AND TAKES A LONG LOOK AT THE APARTMENT. HE THEN TURNS OUT THE LIGHT
 
THE FOURSOME IN A BOOTH AT MONK‚S
GEORGE: You know, I never noticed that picture before. [points to picture of Geronimo] Who is that? Mel Brooks?
ELAINE: Mel Brooks?!? It‚s Geronimo, you jackass, the Native American warrior!
GEORGE: Well Mel Brooks played an Indian in Blazing Saddles.
KRAMER: Blazing Saddles, now there‚s a movie with a great ending.
GEORGE: It was a great movie, but it had a bad ending.
JERRY: What‚s wrong with the ending?
GEORGE: It's stupid.
JERRY: It‚s supposed to be stupid. The whole movie‚s stupid.
GEORGE: Yeah, but the ending was STUPID stupid.
ELAINE: You know what‚s stupid? This conversation.
KRAMER: The ending was classic.
ELAINE: Hey, Kramer, what happened on your CIA mission?
KRAMER: Uh, there was some.unpleasantness, I can never go back.
JERRY: That‚s a shame.
KRAMER: Tell me about it, now I have to try and find a job. I tell ya, it‚s embarrassing to be out of work.
GEORGE: You‚re telling me, I‚m gonna have to move back in with my parents. I can‚t believe it was invitations..AGAIN!
KRAMER: So, uh, what're you guys gonna do today?
ELAINE: Oh, this and that
JERRY: And the other.
KRAMER: What? Are you a couple again?
JERRY: Well.
ELAINE: We‚re getting married!
KRAMER: Giddy up! Let‚s hear about it. How did you propose?
JERRY: What‚s the big deal? We‚re not blazing any trails here. People get married all the time. Have you ever picked up a newspaper and the headline was "COUPLE GETS MARRIED"
GEORGE: I can‚t believe it took you guys this long. You‚re perfect for each other. I mean how could you be so stupid? It‚s been staring you in the face this whole time. I can‚t believe.
ELAINE: Why don‚t you just shut the hell up.
Jerry: See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
 
CLOSING MONOLOGUE-JERRY: You know, why we're here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. [imitates one of these people  pretends his hand is a phone] "Did you ring?, I can't find him." [imitates other person on phone] "Where did he go?" [the first person again] "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go. Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody.
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