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Carolyn A. Green
INT: - MONK'S DINER - DAY
GEORGE IS SITTING ALONE WAITING FOR JERRY. WHILE HE WAITS
HE IS VERY OBVIOUSLY EAVESDROPPING ON THE WOMEN AT THE TABLE BEHIND HIM. HE'S SMILING
TO HIMSELF AND GETTING EXCITED. JERRY ENTERS AND TAKES A SEAT.
I see you're busy.
You know it's hard to talk to you while you are
eavesdropping. Why are you so excited?
THE TWO WOMEN GET UP AND LEAVE. GEORGE CAN BARELY CONTAIN HIMSELF.
You know what they were saying?
No, why don't you tell me?
(IN A CONFIDENTIAL TONE)
They were saying that you can look at a man's feet
Oh, not that again. George you know that is not true.
Mr. Johnson is not determined by foot size...
And you know this? You're the expert. You know this
for a fact. How? How do you know this?
Because if women really thought this was true we'd
all be walking around like clowns with big shoes on. Oh, I can't believe I'm
having this conversation.
Listen, Jerry. You see that guy over there?
JERRY AND GEORGE BOTH LOOK ACROSS THE ROOM AT A MAN RECEIVING
A LOT OF SMILES AND ATTENTION FROM THE WAITRESS.
You see how nice the waitress is treating him? She
doesn't fawn like that all over me. Now look at his feet. See how big they are?
That's why he gets such good service. I'm never treated like that.
Could it be because he's good looking?
Oh, so now you're saying I'm not good-looking?
Well thank you very much.
GEORGE BEGINS TO POUT.
Okay, okay. Maybe it's not your looks. Maybe it's
because... I don't know... maybe it's because you're such a lousy tipper.
A lousy tipper! What do you mean! I always leave a
Sure you do. It's just that it's usually 2%.
THE WAITRESS COMES OVER AND HANDS JERRY A MENU AND THROWS
ANOTHER MENU DOWN IN FRONT OF GEORGE.
What'll it be, Jerry?
JERRY ORDERS AN EGG WHITE OMELET AND COFFEE.
(SPEAKING TO JERRY)
And what is your friend having?
GEORGE THROWS DOWN THE MENU.
I don't want anything.
Oh, for heaven's sake. Bring him the same thing I'm
having. I'll pay.
THE WAITRESS TAKES THE MENUS AND WALKS AWAY.
You see how she treats me? If I had big feet like
that guy over there, she wouldn't treat me like this, Jerry.
(HE'S VERY AGITATED)
JERRY TOTALLY IGNORES WHAT GEORGE IS SAYING.
So are we still on for tonight?
What happens tonight?
Oh no! You're not getting out of this. I told you
Elaine and a couple of her co-workers are trying the new Chinese restaurant.
And you said you'd come with me.
I don't' know Jerry. I have nothing to wear. Do I
have to dress up for this?
GEORGE GETS A MISCHIEVIOUS LOOK ON HIS FACE.
Really. I can wear sneakers?
Sure. Why not?
(STILL WITH A MISCHIEVOUS LOOK)
I can use a new pair of sneakers. When we finish here
let's walk down to the sneaker store.
THE WAITRESS PUTS THEIR FOOD IN FRONT OF THEM.
Fine. And while we're there I think I'll see what they
have. Especially since I hang out with you.
JERRY STARTS EATING HIS FOOD. GEORGE LOOKS AT HIS
FOOD WITH DISGUST.
I can't eat this slop!
(JERRY TAKES GEORGE'S FOOD AND STARTS EATING IT)
EXT. - ON THE STREET
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WALKING ALONG WHEN JERRY
SUDDENLY STOPS. HE HAS A PUZZLED LOOK ON HIS FACE.
Is that Elaine?
It looks like her.
And...what is THAT with her?
That looks like Newman.
Why would she be seen in public with Newman?
THEY ALL MEET ON THE STREET. THE GUY WITH ELAINE IS
OF THE NEWMAN ILK AND IS EQUALLY OBNOXIOUS.
(GIVING ELAINE A BIG EYED AND SURPRISED LOOK)
Hello Jerry. George
Elaine, who are these people?
(CLEARING HER THROAT)
Uh, Larry. This is my friend Jerry and his friend George.
This is Larry.
Oh, so this is THE Jerry?
(HE LOOKS JERRY UP AND DOWN AND CHUCKLES)
Jerry Seinfeld the comedian? Keep your day job,
(HE LOOKS GEORGE UP AND DOWN AND JUST LAUGHS)
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SPEECHLESS. ELAINE STARTS
LOOKING AROUND. THEY ALL STAND AROUND IN SILENCE FOR A FEW UNCOMFORTABLE
Come along, Elaine. It's time for lunch.
ELAINE'S OBNOXIOUS FRIEND TAKES ELAINE'S HAND AND
WITH HIS OTHER HAND, HE RAISES IT AND SHOOS JERRY AND GEORGE OUT OF THEIR PATH.
JERRY WATCHES THEM WALK AWAY.
What the...? What's going on here? That's not
Oh, you don't know? I think it's fairly obvious.
What are you talking about?
Did you see his feet? Did you see how big they were?
But look at him.
Exactly. Why else would Elaine be with him?
Oh, that can't be it. We'll find out tonight.
INT. - SHOE STORE
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE LOOKING AT SNEAKERS ON THE
RACKS. GEORGE PICKS UP A SNEAKER AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER WHERE THE
SALESCLERK HAS A SOUR LOOK ON HER FACE. AS HE RAISES
THE SNEAKER IN HIS HAND TO SHOW THE SALESCLERK HE LOOKS BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER
TO MAKE SURE JERRY IS OUT OF EAR SHOT.
(IN A LOW VOICE)
Can I see these? In a size
(SHE LOOKS AT GEORGE AND SMILES)
GEORGE GETS THAT KNOW-IT-ALL, SMUG LOOK ON HIS FACE. JERRY
WALKS OVER TO HIM.
Found something, already?
(SHOWING JERRY THE SNEAKER IN HIS HAND)
These look pretty good. I don't need anything fancy.
THE SALESCLERK RETURNS AND HANDS
GEORGE A VERY LARGE BOX. SHE
STRUGGLES WITH IT A BIT.
Here you are sir. If you need anything, anything at
all, you just call me.
(SHE GIVES HIM A REALLY BIG SMILE)
GEORGE LIFTS THE LID OF THE BOX AND TAKES A QUICK
(TO THE CLERK)
You know what? I'll pay for them now. I'm going to
wear them home.
Certainly, sir. And for you that will be $29.99 plus tax.
JERRY WATCHES QUIETLY AT ALL THE SMILING AND FRIENDLINESS.
THE CLERK IS MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF COUNTING OUT GEORGE'S CHANGE. JERRY LOSES
All right, already. Can I also have the sneaker in my
THE SALESCLERK AGAIN GOES TO THE BACK. WHILE JERRY WAITS
FOR HIS SNEAKERS GEORGE SITS DOWN AND PUTS ON THE VERY LARGE SNEAKERS. HE
CROSSES HIS LEGS SO EVERYONE CAN SEE HOW BIG HIS FEET ARE. THEN ONE OF THE
WOMEN THAT HE WAS EAVESDROPPING ON IN THE DINER, COMES
INTO THE SHOE STORE. GEORGE DOESN'T APPEAR TO RECOGNIZE HER BUT HE SMILES AT
HER. SHE LOOKS AT HIS FEET AND SMILES BACK.
(TO THE WOMAN)
I just bought these. What do you think? They are... a
little snug. But they don't have any bigger than these. You know how it is.
THE FEMALE FROM THE DINER NODS AT HIM AND SMILES BUT SHE
KEEPS LOOKING AT THE SNEAKERS ON THE VARIOUS RACKS. JERRY BRINGS HIS SNEAKERS
OVER AND SITS DOWN NEAR GEORGE. HE PROCEEDS TO TRY ON THE SNEAKERS. AT THIS POINT
HE NOTICES GEORGE'S BIG SNEAKERS.
Have you lost your mind? How are you going to walk in
GEORGE GETS UP WITH RELATIVE EASE AND BEGINS TO WALK,
VERY SLOWLY, AROUND THE STORE. JERRY STANDS IN HIS SNEAKERS AND LOOKS DOWN AT
THEM, SATISFIED. HE WALKS TO THE CLERK.
I'll take these. And you know what? I'll pay for them
and wear them.
(HE PULLS OUT HIS WALLET)
Fine. That'll be $99.99, plus tax. Cash, check or charge?
What do you mean, $99.99?! You
just charged him
(POINTING TO GEORGE)
Are you two together?
Yes, we are!
Well, I'll take $10.00 off.
$10.00! But now you're charging me $89.99! He
(POINTING TO GEORGE)
got the same exact sneakers and he paid only $29.99!.
AT NO TIME DOES THE SALES CLERK LOSE HER COMPOSURE.
Why are you charging me so much for the same pair of
Well sir, for our very, very large footed friends we
offer special discounts.
Well you know what? I may not be big footed but I
have feelings too. So you can keep your stupid sneakers.
JERRY RETURNS TO THE SEAT WHERE HE LEFT HIS OLD SNEAKERS.
HE SITS DOWN TO REMOVE THE NEW ONES. AS HE IS DOING THIS, GEORGE APPROACHES. A WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO PASS BY GEORGE. HE SMILES AT HER AND AT
THE SAME TIME HE TAKES A STEP ASIDE AND BUMPS INTO A SNEAKER DISPLAY AND KNOCKS
DOWN A TON OF SNEAKERS.
END OF ACT ONE
EXT. - SIDEWALK - DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WALKING ALONG VERY SLOWLY.
You know of course we're never going to get to my
apartment. You do know that?
Just give me a little time Jerry. I'm getting the
hang of it.
Oh yeah. I like the way you got the hang of that shoe
rack back there.
You just have to kind of walk like John Wayne.
GEORGE STARTS TO WALK LIKE JOHN WAYNE. JERRY DECIDES
TO JOIN HIM AND THEY 'JOHN WAYNE' IT OVER TO JERRY'S APARTMENT.
INT. - JERRY'S HALLWAY
JERRY AND GEORGE 'JOHN WAYNE' DOWN THE HALL. KRAMER OPENS
HIS DOOR - HE IS CHEWING GUM WITH A PASSION - HE SEES WHAT'S GOING ON AND JOINS
JERRY AND GEORGE IN THEIR 'JOHN WAYNE' WALK.
INT. - JERRY'S APARTMENT
ALL THREE 'JOHN WAYNE' INTO JERRY'S
APARTMENT. GEORGE DROPS FROM
EXHAUSTION, DOWN ON TO JERRY'S COUCH BUT HE DOESN'T FAIL TO CROSS HIS LEGS. HE
DROPS HIS BOX OF OLD SHOES ON THE FLOOR BY THE COUCH. KRAMER IS STILL CHEWING
HIS GUM VIGOROUSLY BUT WHEN HE SEES GEORGE'S BIG FEET HE DOES A DOUBLE TAKE.
Yes, he's fell for the old 'big feet equal the big
you know what' routine.
Well, it is true.
Oh, what are you talking about?
Well, it's true Jerry.
Uh huh! Uh huh! What did I tell you Jerry?
Just look at my feet!
Yes look at his feet!
Yeah, well that's all we know. He can be lying about
the other part.
Oh no I'm not. I'll show you.
JERRY AND GEORGE BOTH SCREAM NEGATIVE REPLIES.
And what's with you and the gum?
(WITH A SOB IN HIS VOICE)
I'm addicted Jerry. I can't stop. What am I going to
(LOOKING AT GEORGE)
And this is who you believe?
Jerry, you've got to help me.
You... disgust... me.
KRAMER DOES THE 'JOHN WAYNE' OUT THE DOOR. HE IS NOW CHEWING
SO FURIOUSLY HE CAN BARELY GET OUT THE DOOR. JERRY CHECKS HIS PHONE MESSAGES. THERE'S
A SHORT MESSAGE FROM ELAINE REMINDING HIM THAT THEY'LL BE MEETING AT THE NEW
(JERRY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)
Well, if we're going to be there at we should probably leave now.
GEORGE STRUGGLES TO GET OFF THE COUCH. TOGETHER THEY 'JOHN
WAYNE' OUT THE DOOR.
INT. - CHINESE RESTAURANT, THE
JERRY AND GEORGE ARRIVE BEFORE ELAINE AND FRIENDS. GEORGE
TAKES A SEAT IN THE WAITING AREA AND CROSSES HIS LEGS. JERRY GOES TO SPEAK TO
THE MAITRE D'. AT THIS POINT ELAINE AND ONE OF HER COLLEAGUES WALKS IN.
(TO MAITRE D')
We need a table for five.
That'll be five minutes.
ELAINE CALLS OUT AS SHE WALKS OVER TO JERRY.
Jerry! Make it for four.
Very good. That'll be ten minutes.
But you just said it will be five minutes.
That was for five people. Now you say four people. Ten
(HE WALKS AWAY)
JERRY AND ELAINE WALK BACK TO WHERE GEORGE IS SITTING
WITH ELAINE'S FRIEND. ELAINE NOTICES GEORGE'S BIG FEET AND STOPS DEAD IN HER
TRACKS. SHE QUICKLY TURNS TO LOOK AT JERRY.
You... don't... want to know.
MEANWHILE GEORGE IS VERY CHARMNG TO ELAINE'S FRIEND
WHO APPEARS TO BE IMPRESSED.
I was just saying to this very beautiful woman...
(HE SPEAKS DIRECTLY TO THE WOMAN)
May I call you "Beautiful"...
I was just saying to Beautiful here, how hard it is
to get shoes in my size. It's easier to find sneakers. You know because of all
the big basketball players. And I do mean big.
THE MAITRE D' RETURNS.
(HE YELLS OUT)
Seinfeld party of five. Your table is ready.
I didn't say party of...
Uh, yes, that's us.
GEORGE AND BEAUTIFUL GET UP TO
FOLLOW JERRY AND ELAINE TO THEIR TABLE.
After you my dear.
GEORGE REMAINS A BIT BEHIND BECAUSE IT TAKES HIM
AWHILE TO 'JOHN WAYNE' INTO THE EATING AREA.
INT. - EATING AREA OF RESTAURANT
GEORGE PULLS THE CHAIR OUT FOR BEAUTIFUL AND TAKES A SEAT
BESIDE HER. EVERYONE SETTLES DOWN AND PICKS UP MENUS. THEY AD LIB WHAT LOOKS
GOOD ON THE MENU.
Let's get some appetizers.
THE WAITER COMES TO THEIR TABLE, PUTS DOWN A POT OF
HOT TEA, NOODLES AND SAUCES. THEN FILLS THEIR VERY PRETTY WATER
Are you ready to order?
Just give us one more minute.
THE WAITER WALKS AWAY. BEAUTIFUL BEGINS TO LOOK AROUND FRANTICALLY.
Oh no. My jacket. I must
have left it out front.
Have no fear my pretty one. I shall retrieve it for
(HE WINKS AT HER)
GEORGE SLOWLY GETS UP AND PREPARES TO 'JOHN WAYNE'
BACK OUT TO THE FRONT. AS HE BEGINS TO WALK PAST THE TABLE HIS FEET GET TANGLED
IN THE TABLE CLOTH AND HE PROCEEDS TO PULL THE TABLE CLOTH OFF THE TABLE. WATER
GLASSES, DRIED NOODLES ETC. GO FLYING. THE HOT TEA CAUSES EVERYONE TO SCREAM
AND JUMP UP. THE WHOLE RESTAURANT IS THROWN INTO CHAOS.
INT. - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY, ELAINE AND FINALLY GEORGE, ENTER. THEY ARE ALL
I have never been thrown out of a Chinese restaurant.
GEORGE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH.
It was a simple accident. It could have happened to
anyone of us.
Jerry, I just hope you have some food in here.
(SHE GOES TO THE FRIDGE)
Listen, why don't we order Chinese? We can order
whatever we were going to get at the restaurant.
JERRY WALKS OVER TO THE PHONE PICKS IT UP AND BEGINS DIALING.
ELAINE STANDS AND GLARES AT GEORGE WHO WILL NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT.
Hi! This is Jerry Seinfeld. I'd like to... yes, Jerry
Seinfeld. I'd like to order... well yes, I was there but... It wasn't me...
it... oh all right.
(HE HANGS UP)
Thanks George! They won't deliver here because I was
with you ... WHEN YOU TORE UP THEIR COUSIN'S RESTAURANT!
(OPENING A BOTTLE OF WATER)
What's with you and the big sneakers George? Going to
Oh as if you didn't know.
That's right Elaine. As if you didn't know.
We saw you today with that Newman looking guy.
Yeah, Elaine. We saw you today with that Newman looking guy.
(ENUNCIATING EVERY WORD)
What has that got to do with George wearing these big
sloppy looking sneakers? Oh and by the way you know my friend never ever wants
to see George again. Right now he doesn't ever want to see ME again.
George, why don't you explain all of this to Elaine?
Yes, George, why don't you explain this to Elaine?
Well... we know that if a man has big feet... he has
a big... well, you know...
No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me George?
Well, he has a big... you know.
(YELLS IT OUT )
Big hands equal big Mr. Johnson! George is now the
master of a very big domain.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's even
stupid for you, George.
Then why were you with that Newman guy with the big
Yeah, Elaine. Why were you with that Newman guy with the big feet?
Because he can cook! Because Jerry, because George,
he can cook! You got that! He's a chef and he can cook. What do you think I can
come over here and live on cereal all the time? And water? And
takeout? He can cook! Women loooove
men that can cook.
KRAMER ENTERS CHEWING GUM A LITTLE MORE CALMLY NOW. HE
SITS ON THE COUCH NEXT TO GEORGE.
Well you're wrong, Elaine. I was in the diner today
and the two women behind me were talking about this big feet issue.
Yeah Elaine. What about that? He heard the two women in the
In the diner, George?
Yes Elaine, in the diner.
Yes, Elaine in the diner.
(WITH LOTS OF LAUGHTER)
George, that was just Carol and Marcia. Didn't you notice it was
the same women from the coffee shop that were in the sneaker store?
(SPEAKING TO JERRY)
Well you know how George is always eavesdropping -
obviously - on everyone's conversation?
Well the other day when I got there before you, Carol
and Marcia were there. They asked me how well I knew that "annoying,
eavesdropping, little, baldheaded guy"
They called me that?
Well maybe I added the "annoying" part. Anyway
they own the sneaker shop and decided to set you up, George. I was there when
they planned the whole thing.
You were there?
Wow. So George was set up?
He was set up.
He was used and made fun of?
He was used and made fun of. Yep.
ELAINE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND MAKES A CALL. KRAMER TURNS
You won't be needing those
sneakers anymore will you buddy?
GEORGE TAKES THE SNEAKERS OFF AND HANDS THEM TO
KRAMER. HE PICKS UP THE BOX WITH HIS OLD SHOES AND PUTS THEM ON.
(HANGING UP PHONE)
Well, I got to go. I'm going over to Larry's. To eat. He's going to whip me up a little gourmet treat.
(SHE ACTS VERY ARROGANT)
Can I come?
ELAINE GRABS HER BAG AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR. SHE
OPENS IT TO LEAVE AND TURNS AROUND AND SPEAKS TO GEORGE.
By the way George. It's not the feet. It's the size of the hands. Ta-ta!
ELAINE CLOSES THE DOOR WHILE GEORGE PONDERS THIS NEW TURN
She's right of course.
Wait a minute! Are you going to fall for that again?
Didn't she just tell you how you were set up?
But now she's talking about the hands, Jerry. That's
different. It makes sense.
Of course it does, big guy. Here, have some gum. Take
the whole pack.
Wait a minute Kramer. Earlier today you said it was
Well, it is the feet. It's the feet and the hands.
You know what I think? I think you have something to
do next door.
JERRY WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. KRAMER
GETS UP, PUTS THE SNEAKERS UNDER HIS ARM AND LEAVES - CHEWING GUM ALL THE WAY. JERRY
WALKS BACK TO WHERE GEORGE IS SITTING.
Oh, you're right Jerry. What's the use? Why am I
Maybe I can learn how to cook.
That's it Jerry. Why don't we take cooking lessons?
No we. I'm not getting involved in one of your
schemes. I'm happy with cereal. I like cereal.
Yeah what difference will it make? I'll never be
Well, that's where you're wrong, pardnuh.
Give me a stick of that gum.
THEY BOTH OPEN THE GUM KRAMER GAVE GEORGE AND SIMULTANEOUSLY
THEY STICK IT IN THEIR MOUTHS. GEORGE GETS UP FROM THE COUCH AND TOGETHER THEY
CHEW GUM LIKE KRAMER AND THEN 'JOHN WAYNE' OUT THE DOOR.
END OF ACT TWO
INT. - DINER - NIGHT
IT'S VERY LATE. ONLY TWO OR THREE CUSTOMERS ARE IN
THE DINER. GEORGE HAS A TABLE TO HIMSELF. HE SITS WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS LAP. THE
WAITRESS COMES OVER PREPARED TO TAKE HIS ORDER.
May I have a menu, please?
THE WAITRESS WALKS OVER TO THE CASH
REGISTER AND PICKS UP A MENU.
SHE HANDS IT TO GEORGE. GEORGE REACHES FOR IT. HE NOW HAS GIGANTIC HANDS
ENSCONCED IN GIGANTIC BROWN LEATHER GLOVES. THE WAITRESS LOOKS A BIT TAKEN ABACK.
It's so hard to find gloves in my size.
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