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Mr. Johnson

MR. JOHNSON

 

 

 

Written by

Carolyn A. Green

e-mail: cgreen49@concentric.net

 

 

 

 

ACT ONE

 

 

FADE IN:

 

INT: - MONK'S DINER - DAY

 

GEORGE IS SITTING ALONE WAITING FOR JERRY. WHILE HE WAITS HE IS VERY OBVIOUSLY EAVESDROPPING ON THE WOMEN AT THE TABLE BEHIND HIM. HE'S SMILING TO HIMSELF AND GETTING EXCITED. JERRY ENTERS AND TAKES A SEAT.

 

JERRY

I see you're busy.

 

GEORGE

Shh! Shh!

 

JERRY

You know it's hard to talk to you while you are eavesdropping. Why are you so excited?

 

THE TWO WOMEN GET UP AND LEAVE. GEORGE CAN BARELY CONTAIN HIMSELF.

 

GEORGE

You know what they were saying?

 

JERRY

No, why don't you tell me?

 

GEORGE

(IN A CONFIDENTIAL TONE)

They were saying that you can look at a man's feet and...

 

JERRY

(INTERRUPTING)

Oh, not that again. George you know that is not true. Mr. Johnson is not determined by foot size...

 

GEORGE

And you know this? You're the expert. You know this for a fact. How? How do you know this?

 

JERRY

Because if women really thought this was true we'd all be walking around like clowns with big shoes on. Oh, I can't believe I'm having this conversation.

 

GEORGE

Listen, Jerry. You see that guy over there?

 

JERRY AND GEORGE BOTH LOOK ACROSS THE ROOM AT A MAN RECEIVING A LOT OF SMILES AND ATTENTION FROM THE WAITRESS.

 

JERRY

Yeah.

 

GEORGE

You see how nice the waitress is treating him? She doesn't fawn like that all over me. Now look at his feet. See how big they are? That's why he gets such good service. I'm never treated like that.

 

JERRY

Could it be because he's good looking?

 

GEORGE

Oh, so now you're saying I'm not good-looking?

 

JERRY

Yes.

 

GEORGE

Well thank you very much.

 

GEORGE BEGINS TO POUT.

 

JERRY

Okay, okay. Maybe it's not your looks. Maybe it's because... I don't know... maybe it's because you're such a lousy tipper.

 

GEORGE

A lousy tipper! What do you mean! I always leave a tip.

 

JERRY

Sure you do. It's just that it's usually 2%.

 

THE WAITRESS COMES OVER AND HANDS JERRY A MENU AND THROWS ANOTHER MENU DOWN IN FRONT OF GEORGE.

 

WAITRESS

What'll it be, Jerry?

 

JERRY ORDERS AN EGG WHITE OMELET AND COFFEE.

 

WAITRESS

(SPEAKING TO JERRY)

And what is your friend having?

 

GEORGE THROWS DOWN THE MENU.

 

GEORGE

I don't want anything.

JERRY

Oh, for heaven's sake. Bring him the same thing I'm having. I'll pay.

 

THE WAITRESS TAKES THE MENUS AND WALKS AWAY.

 

GEORGE

You see how she treats me? If I had big feet like that guy over there, she wouldn't treat me like this, Jerry.

(HE'S VERY AGITATED)

 

JERRY TOTALLY IGNORES WHAT GEORGE IS SAYING.

 

JERRY

So are we still on for tonight?

 

GEORGE

What happens tonight?

 

JERRY

Oh no! You're not getting out of this. I told you Elaine and a couple of her co-workers are trying the new Chinese restaurant. And you said you'd come with me.

 

GEORGE

I don't' know Jerry. I have nothing to wear. Do I have to dress up for this?

 

JERRY

No. Sneakers.

 

GEORGE GETS A MISCHIEVIOUS LOOK ON HIS FACE.

 

GEORGE

Really. I can wear sneakers?

 

JERRY

Sure. Why not?

 

GEORGE

(STILL WITH A MISCHIEVOUS LOOK)

I can use a new pair of sneakers. When we finish here let's walk down to the sneaker store.

 

THE WAITRESS PUTS THEIR FOOD IN FRONT OF THEM.

 

JERRY

Fine. And while we're there I think I'll see what they have. Especially since I hang out with you.

 

JERRY STARTS EATING HIS FOOD. GEORGE LOOKS AT HIS FOOD WITH DISGUST.

 

GEORGE

I can't eat this slop!

 

JERRY

I know.

(JERRY TAKES GEORGE'S FOOD AND STARTS EATING IT)

 

 

EXT. - ON THE STREET

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WALKING ALONG WHEN JERRY SUDDENLY STOPS. HE HAS A PUZZLED LOOK ON HIS FACE.

 

JERRY

Is that Elaine?

 

GEORGE

It looks like her.

 

JERRY

And... what is THAT with her?

 

GEORGE

(SQUINTING)

That looks like Newman.

 

JERRY

Why would she be seen in public with Newman?

 

THEY ALL MEET ON THE STREET. THE GUY WITH ELAINE IS OF THE NEWMAN ILK AND IS EQUALLY OBNOXIOUS.

 

JERRY

(GIVING ELAINE A BIG EYED AND SURPRISED LOOK)

Hello, Elaine.

 

ELAINE

Hello Jerry. George

 

ELAINE'S FRIEND

Elaine, who are these people?

 

ELAINE

(CLEARING HER THROAT)

Uh, Larry. This is my friend Jerry and his friend George. Jerry. George.

(COUGH)

This is Larry.

 

LARRY

Oh, so this is THE Jerry?

(HE LOOKS JERRY UP AND DOWN AND CHUCKLES)

Jerry Seinfeld the comedian? Keep your day job, JERRY!

(HE LOOKS GEORGE UP AND DOWN AND JUST LAUGHS)

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SPEECHLESS. ELAINE STARTS LOOKING AROUND. THEY ALL STAND AROUND IN SILENCE FOR A FEW UNCOMFORTABLE SECONDS.

 

ELAINE'S FRIEND

Come along, Elaine. It's time for lunch.

 

ELAINE'S OBNOXIOUS FRIEND TAKES ELAINE'S HAND AND WITH HIS OTHER HAND, HE RAISES IT AND SHOOS JERRY AND GEORGE OUT OF THEIR PATH. JERRY WATCHES THEM WALK AWAY.

 

JERRY

What the...? What's going on here? That's not Elaine's type.

 

GEORGE

Oh, you don't know? I think it's fairly obvious.

 

JERRY

What are you talking about?

 

GEORGE

Did you see his feet? Did you see how big they were?

 

JERRY

But look at him.

 

GEORGE

Exactly. Why else would Elaine be with him?

 

JERRY

Oh, that can't be it. We'll find out tonight.

 

 

INT. - SHOE STORE

 

GEORGE AND JERRY ARE LOOKING AT SNEAKERS ON THE RACKS. GEORGE PICKS UP A SNEAKER AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER WHERE THE SALESCLERK HAS A SOUR LOOK ON HER FACE. AS HE RAISES THE SNEAKER IN HIS HAND TO SHOW THE SALESCLERK HE LOOKS BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER TO MAKE SURE JERRY IS OUT OF EAR SHOT.

 

GEORGE

(IN A LOW VOICE)

Can I see these? In a size thirteen.

 

SOUR SALESCLERK

(SHE LOOKS AT GEORGE AND SMILES)

Certainly, sir.

 

GEORGE GETS THAT KNOW-IT-ALL, SMUG LOOK ON HIS FACE. JERRY WALKS OVER TO HIM.

 

JERRY

Found something, already?

 

GEORGE

(SHOWING JERRY THE SNEAKER IN HIS HAND)

These look pretty good. I don't need anything fancy.

 

THE SALESCLERK RETURNS AND HANDS GEORGE A VERY LARGE BOX. SHE STRUGGLES WITH IT A BIT.

 

SALESCLERK

(VERY POLITELY)

Here you are sir. If you need anything, anything at all, you just call me.

(SHE GIVES HIM A REALLY BIG SMILE)

 

GEORGE LIFTS THE LID OF THE BOX AND TAKES A QUICK PEEK INSIDE.

 

GEORGE

(TO THE CLERK)

You know what? I'll pay for them now. I'm going to wear them home.

 

SALES CLERK

Certainly, sir. And for you that will be $29.99 plus tax.

 

JERRY WATCHES QUIETLY AT ALL THE SMILING AND FRIENDLINESS. THE CLERK IS MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF COUNTING OUT GEORGE'S CHANGE. JERRY LOSES HIS PATIENCE.

 

JERRY

All right, already. Can I also have the sneaker in my size?

 

THE SALESCLERK AGAIN GOES TO THE BACK. WHILE JERRY WAITS FOR HIS SNEAKERS GEORGE SITS DOWN AND PUTS ON THE VERY LARGE SNEAKERS. HE CROSSES HIS LEGS SO EVERYONE CAN SEE HOW BIG HIS FEET ARE. THEN ONE OF THE WOMEN THAT HE WAS EAVESDROPPING ON IN THE DINER, COMES INTO THE SHOE STORE. GEORGE DOESN'T APPEAR TO RECOGNIZE HER BUT HE SMILES AT HER. SHE LOOKS AT HIS FEET AND SMILES BACK.

 

GEORGE

(TO THE WOMAN)

I just bought these. What do you think? They are... a little snug. But they don't have any bigger than these. You know how it is.

 

THE FEMALE FROM THE DINER NODS AT HIM AND SMILES BUT SHE KEEPS LOOKING AT THE SNEAKERS ON THE VARIOUS RACKS. JERRY BRINGS HIS SNEAKERS OVER AND SITS DOWN NEAR GEORGE. HE PROCEEDS TO TRY ON THE SNEAKERS. AT THIS POINT HE NOTICES GEORGE'S BIG SNEAKERS.

 

JERRY

Have you lost your mind? How are you going to walk in those things?

 

GEORGE GETS UP WITH RELATIVE EASE AND BEGINS TO WALK, VERY SLOWLY, AROUND THE STORE. JERRY STANDS IN HIS SNEAKERS AND LOOKS DOWN AT THEM, SATISFIED. HE WALKS TO THE CLERK.

 

JERRY

(TO CLERK)

I'll take these. And you know what? I'll pay for them and wear them.

(HE PULLS OUT HIS WALLET)

 

CLERK

Fine. That'll be $99.99, plus tax. Cash, check or charge?

 

JERRY

What do you mean, $99.99?! You just charged him

(POINTING TO GEORGE)

$29.99!

 

CLERK

Are you two together?

 

JERRY

Yes, we are!

 

CLERK

Well, I'll take $10.00 off.

 

JERRY

$10.00! But now you're charging me $89.99! He

(POINTING TO GEORGE)

got the same exact sneakers and he paid only $29.99!.

 

AT NO TIME DOES THE SALES CLERK LOSE HER COMPOSURE.

 

JERRY

Why are you charging me so much for the same pair of sneakers?

 

SALES CLERK

Well sir, for our very, very large footed friends we offer special discounts.

 

JERRY

Well you know what? I may not be big footed but I have feelings too. So you can keep your stupid sneakers.

 

JERRY RETURNS TO THE SEAT WHERE HE LEFT HIS OLD SNEAKERS. HE SITS DOWN TO REMOVE THE NEW ONES. AS HE IS DOING THIS, GEORGE APPROACHES. A WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO PASS BY GEORGE. HE SMILES AT HER AND AT THE SAME TIME HE TAKES A STEP ASIDE AND BUMPS INTO A SNEAKER DISPLAY AND KNOCKS DOWN A TON OF SNEAKERS.

 

 

END OF ACT ONE

 

 

 

 

ACT TWO

 

 

EXT. - SIDEWALK - DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WALKING ALONG VERY SLOWLY.

 

JERRY

You know of course we're never going to get to my apartment. You do know that?

 

GEORGE

Just give me a little time Jerry. I'm getting the hang of it.

 

JERRY

Oh yeah. I like the way you got the hang of that shoe rack back there.

 

GEORGE

You just have to kind of walk like John Wayne.

 

GEORGE STARTS TO WALK LIKE JOHN WAYNE. JERRY DECIDES TO JOIN HIM AND THEY 'JOHN WAYNE' IT OVER TO JERRY'S APARTMENT.

 

 

INT. - JERRY'S HALLWAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE 'JOHN WAYNE' DOWN THE HALL. KRAMER OPENS HIS DOOR - HE IS CHEWING GUM WITH A PASSION - HE SEES WHAT'S GOING ON AND JOINS JERRY AND GEORGE IN THEIR 'JOHN WAYNE' WALK.

 

 

INT. - JERRY'S APARTMENT

 

ALL THREE 'JOHN WAYNE' INTO JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE DROPS FROM EXHAUSTION, DOWN ON TO JERRY'S COUCH BUT HE DOESN'T FAIL TO CROSS HIS LEGS. HE DROPS HIS BOX OF OLD SHOES ON THE FLOOR BY THE COUCH. KRAMER IS STILL CHEWING HIS GUM VIGOROUSLY BUT WHEN HE SEES GEORGE'S BIG FEET HE DOES A DOUBLE TAKE.

 

JERRY

Yes, he's fell for the old 'big feet equal the big you know what' routine.

 

KRAMER

Well, it is true.

JERRY

Oh, what are you talking about?

 

KRAMER

Well, it's true Jerry.

 

GEORGE

Uh huh! Uh huh! What did I tell you Jerry?

 

KRAMER

Just look at my feet!

 

GEORGE

Yes look at his feet!

 

JERRY

Yeah, well that's all we know. He can be lying about the other part.

 

KRAMER

Oh no I'm not. I'll show you.

 

JERRY AND GEORGE BOTH SCREAM NEGATIVE REPLIES.

 

JERRY

And what's with you and the gum?

 

KRAMER

(WITH A SOB IN HIS VOICE)

I'm addicted Jerry. I can't stop. What am I going to do?

JERRY

(LOOKING AT GEORGE)

And this is who you believe?

 

KRAMER

Jerry, you've got to help me.

 

JERRY

(TO KRAMER)

You... disgust... me.

 

KRAMER DOES THE 'JOHN WAYNE' OUT THE DOOR. HE IS NOW CHEWING SO FURIOUSLY HE CAN BARELY GET OUT THE DOOR. JERRY CHECKS HIS PHONE MESSAGES. THERE'S A SHORT MESSAGE FROM ELAINE REMINDING HIM THAT THEY'LL BE MEETING AT THE NEW RESTAURANT AT 5:00 P.M.

 

JERRY

(JERRY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)

Well, if we're going to be there at 5:00 P.M. we should probably leave now.

 

GEORGE STRUGGLES TO GET OFF THE COUCH. TOGETHER THEY 'JOHN WAYNE' OUT THE DOOR.

 

 

INT. - CHINESE RESTAURANT, THE WAITING AREA.

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARRIVE BEFORE ELAINE AND FRIENDS. GEORGE TAKES A SEAT IN THE WAITING AREA AND CROSSES HIS LEGS. JERRY GOES TO SPEAK TO THE MAITRE D'. AT THIS POINT ELAINE AND ONE OF HER COLLEAGUES WALKS IN.

 

JERRY

(TO MAITRE D')

We need a table for five.

 

MAITRE'D

That'll be five minutes.

 

ELAINE CALLS OUT AS SHE WALKS OVER TO JERRY.

 

ELAINE

Jerry! Make it for four.

 

MAITRE D'

Very good. That'll be ten minutes.

 

JERRY

But you just said it will be five minutes.

 

MAITRE D'

That was for five people. Now you say four people. Ten minutes.

(HE WALKS AWAY)

 

JERRY AND ELAINE WALK BACK TO WHERE GEORGE IS SITTING WITH ELAINE'S FRIEND. ELAINE NOTICES GEORGE'S BIG FEET AND STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS. SHE QUICKLY TURNS TO LOOK AT JERRY.

 

JERRY

You... don't... want to know.

 

MEANWHILE GEORGE IS VERY CHARMNG TO ELAINE'S FRIEND WHO APPEARS TO BE IMPRESSED.

 

GEORGE

I was just saying to this very beautiful woman...

(HE SPEAKS DIRECTLY TO THE WOMAN)

May I call you "Beautiful"...

 

BEAUTIFUL

(SHE BLUSHES)

Oh George.

 

GEORGE

I was just saying to Beautiful here, how hard it is to get shoes in my size. It's easier to find sneakers. You know because of all the big basketball players. And I do mean big.

(HE LAUGHS)

 

THE MAITRE D' RETURNS.

 

MAITRE D'

(HE YELLS OUT)

Seinfeld party of five. Your table is ready.

 

JERRY

I didn't say party of...

 

ELAINE

(INTERRUPTS)

Uh, yes, that's us.

 

GEORGE AND BEAUTIFUL GET UP TO FOLLOW JERRY AND ELAINE TO THEIR TABLE.

 

GEORGE

(TO BEAUTIFUL)

After you my dear.

 

GEORGE REMAINS A BIT BEHIND BECAUSE IT TAKES HIM AWHILE TO 'JOHN WAYNE' INTO THE EATING AREA.

 

 

INT. - EATING AREA OF RESTAURANT

GEORGE PULLS THE CHAIR OUT FOR BEAUTIFUL AND TAKES A SEAT BESIDE HER. EVERYONE SETTLES DOWN AND PICKS UP MENUS. THEY AD LIB WHAT LOOKS GOOD ON THE MENU.

 

ELAINE

Let's get some appetizers.

 

THE WAITER COMES TO THEIR TABLE, PUTS DOWN A POT OF HOT TEA, NOODLES AND SAUCES. THEN FILLS THEIR VERY PRETTY WATER GOBLETS.

 

WAITER

Are you ready to order?

 

JERRY

Just give us one more minute.

 

THE WAITER WALKS AWAY. BEAUTIFUL BEGINS TO LOOK AROUND FRANTICALLY.

 

BEAUTIFUL

Oh no. My jacket. I must have left it out front.

 

GEORGE

(IMMEDIATELY RESPONDS)

Have no fear my pretty one. I shall retrieve it for you.

(HE WINKS AT HER)

 

GEORGE SLOWLY GETS UP AND PREPARES TO 'JOHN WAYNE' BACK OUT TO THE FRONT. AS HE BEGINS TO WALK PAST THE TABLE HIS FEET GET TANGLED IN THE TABLE CLOTH AND HE PROCEEDS TO PULL THE TABLE CLOTH OFF THE TABLE. WATER GLASSES, DRIED NOODLES ETC. GO FLYING. THE HOT TEA CAUSES EVERYONE TO SCREAM AND JUMP UP. THE WHOLE RESTAURANT IS THROWN INTO CHAOS.

 

 

INT. - JERRY'S APARTMENT

 

JERRY, ELAINE AND FINALLY GEORGE, ENTER. THEY ARE ALL VERY SOMBER.

 

ELAINE

I have never been thrown out of a Chinese restaurant.

 

GEORGE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH.

 

GEORGE

It was a simple accident. It could have happened to anyone of us.

 

ELAINE

Jerry, I just hope you have some food in here.

(SHE GOES TO THE FRIDGE)

 

JERRY

Listen, why don't we order Chinese? We can order whatever we were going to get at the restaurant.

 

JERRY WALKS OVER TO THE PHONE PICKS IT UP AND BEGINS DIALING. ELAINE STANDS AND GLARES AT GEORGE WHO WILL NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT.

 

JERRY

Hi! This is Jerry Seinfeld. I'd like to... yes, Jerry Seinfeld. I'd like to order... well yes, I was there but... It wasn't me... it... oh all right.

(HE HANGS UP)

Thanks George! They won't deliver here because I was with you ... WHEN YOU TORE UP THEIR COUSIN'S RESTAURANT!

 

ELAINE

(OPENING A BOTTLE OF WATER)

What's with you and the big sneakers George? Going to clown school?

 

GEORGE

Oh as if you didn't know.

 

JERRY

That's right Elaine. As if you didn't know.

 

GEORGE

We saw you today with that Newman looking guy.

 

JERRY

Yeah, Elaine. We saw you today with that Newman looking guy.

 

ELAINE

(ENUNCIATING EVERY WORD)

What has that got to do with George wearing these big sloppy looking sneakers? Oh and by the way you know my friend never ever wants to see George again. Right now he doesn't ever want to see ME again.

 

JERRY

George, why don't you explain all of this to Elaine?

 

ELAINE

Yes, George, why don't you explain this to Elaine?

 

GEORGE

Well... we know that if a man has big feet... he has a big... well, you know...

 

ELAINE

(SHE LAUGHS)

No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me George?

 

GEORGE

Well, he has a big... you know.

 

JERRY

(YELLS IT OUT )

Big hands equal big Mr. Johnson! George is now the master of a very big domain.

 

ELAINE

(LAUGHING AGAIN)

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's even stupid for you, George.

 

GEORGE

Then why were you with that Newman guy with the big feet?

 

JERRY

Yeah, Elaine. Why were you with that Newman guy with the big feet?

 

ELAINE

Because he can cook! Because Jerry, because George, he can cook! You got that! He's a chef and he can cook. What do you think I can come over here and live on cereal all the time? And water? And takeout? He can cook! Women loooove men that can cook.

 

KRAMER ENTERS CHEWING GUM A LITTLE MORE CALMLY NOW. HE SITS ON THE COUCH NEXT TO GEORGE.

 

GEORGE

Well you're wrong, Elaine. I was in the diner today and the two women behind me were talking about this big feet issue.

 

JERRY

(INSTIGATING)

Yeah Elaine. What about that? He heard the two women in the diner.

 

ELAINE

In the diner, George?

 

GEORGE

Yes Elaine, in the diner.

 

JERRY

Yes, Elaine in the diner.

 

ELAINE

(WITH LOTS OF LAUGHTER)

George, that was just Carol and Marcia. Didn't you notice it was the same women from the coffee shop that were in the sneaker store?

 

JERRY

And?

 

ELAINE

(SPEAKING TO JERRY)

Well you know how George is always eavesdropping - obviously - on everyone's conversation?

 

JERRY

Yeah.

 

ELAINE

Well the other day when I got there before you, Carol and Marcia were there. They asked me how well I knew that "annoying, eavesdropping, little, baldheaded guy"

 

GEORGE

(ANGRY)

They called me that?

 

ELAINE

Well maybe I added the "annoying" part. Anyway they own the sneaker shop and decided to set you up, George. I was there when they planned the whole thing.

 

JERRY

You were there?

 

ELAINE

Yep.

 

JERRY

Wow. So George was set up?

 

ELAINE

He was set up.

 

JERRY

He was used and made fun of?

 

ELAINE

He was used and made fun of. Yep.

GEORGE

Okay, okay.

 

ELAINE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND MAKES A CALL. KRAMER TURNS TO GEORGE.

 

KRAMER

You won't be needing those sneakers anymore will you buddy?

 

GEORGE TAKES THE SNEAKERS OFF AND HANDS THEM TO KRAMER. HE PICKS UP THE BOX WITH HIS OLD SHOES AND PUTS THEM ON.

 

ELAINE

(HANGING UP PHONE)

Well, I got to go. I'm going over to Larry's. To eat. He's going to whip me up a little gourmet treat.

(SHE ACTS VERY ARROGANT)

 

JERRY

Can I come?

 

ELAINE

Nope. Ta-ta!

 

ELAINE GRABS HER BAG AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR. SHE OPENS IT TO LEAVE AND TURNS AROUND AND SPEAKS TO GEORGE.

 

ELAINE

By the way George. It's not the feet. It's the size of the hands. Ta-ta!

 

ELAINE CLOSES THE DOOR WHILE GEORGE PONDERS THIS NEW TURN OF EVENTS.

 

GEORGE

The hands?

 

KRAMER

(TO GEORGE)

She's right of course.

 

JERRY

(YELLING)

Wait a minute! Are you going to fall for that again? Didn't she just tell you how you were set up?

 

GEORGE

But now she's talking about the hands, Jerry. That's different. It makes sense.

 

KRAMER

Of course it does, big guy. Here, have some gum. Take the whole pack.

 

JERRY

Wait a minute Kramer. Earlier today you said it was the feet.

 

KRAMER

Well, it is the feet. It's the feet and the hands.

 

JERRY

You know what I think? I think you have something to do next door.

 

JERRY WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. KRAMER GETS UP, PUTS THE SNEAKERS UNDER HIS ARM AND LEAVES - CHEWING GUM ALL THE WAY. JERRY WALKS BACK TO WHERE GEORGE IS SITTING.

 

GEORGE

Oh, you're right Jerry. What's the use? Why am I kidding myself.

(PAUSE)

Maybe I can learn how to cook.

(GETTING EXCITED)

That's it Jerry. Why don't we take cooking lessons?

 

JERRY

No we. I'm not getting involved in one of your schemes. I'm happy with cereal. I like cereal.

 

GEORGE

(DEJECTED)

Yeah what difference will it make? I'll never be suave.

 

JERRY

Well, that's where you're wrong, pardnuh. Give me a stick of that gum.

 

THEY BOTH OPEN THE GUM KRAMER GAVE GEORGE AND SIMULTANEOUSLY THEY STICK IT IN THEIR MOUTHS. GEORGE GETS UP FROM THE COUCH AND TOGETHER THEY CHEW GUM LIKE KRAMER AND THEN 'JOHN WAYNE' OUT THE DOOR.

 

FADE OUT

 

 

 

END OF ACT TWO

 

 

 

TAG

 

 

INT. - DINER - NIGHT

 

IT'S VERY LATE. ONLY TWO OR THREE CUSTOMERS ARE IN THE DINER. GEORGE HAS A TABLE TO HIMSELF. HE SITS WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS LAP. THE WAITRESS COMES OVER PREPARED TO TAKE HIS ORDER.

 

GEORGE

May I have a menu, please?

 

WAITRESS

Sure.

 

THE WAITRESS WALKS OVER TO THE CASH REGISTER AND PICKS UP A MENU. SHE HANDS IT TO GEORGE. GEORGE REACHES FOR IT. HE NOW HAS GIGANTIC HANDS ENSCONCED IN GIGANTIC BROWN LEATHER GLOVES. THE WAITRESS LOOKS A BIT TAKEN ABACK.

 

GEORGE

It's so hard to find gloves in my size.

 

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