THE MOCKNEY

A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz

2003

INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY AND GEORGE.

JERRY

How do you feel about M and M's?

GEORGE

Peanut or regular chocolate?

JERRY

Regular.

GEORGE

I'm pro M and M. Very positive feelings.

JERRY

Any colour preference?

GEORGE

What's the difference? It's all chocolate.

JERRY

Gretchen eats red M and M's.

GEORGE

Just the red?

JERRY

The red. She has this whole apartheid policy going on.

GEORGE

What happens if she gets a different colour?

JERRY

She puts it right back in the bag.Keeps delving until she comes up with a red one. She doesn't say anything. But I notice.

GEORGE

Mebbe the red ones are, y'know, less fattening.

JERRY

How can that be? That's crazy talk.

GEORGE

I'm trying to help here. Your girlfriend's the crazy one.

ELAINE ARRIVES. SHE SLIDES INTO THE BOOTH NEXT TO JERRY.

ELAINE

Who's crazy? Gretchen?

JERRY

Gretchen's not crazy.

GEORGE

She'll only eat red M and M's.

ELAINE

Peanut or regular chocolate?

JERRY

Regular.

ELAINE

I kinda like the yellow ones.

JERRY

Do they taste better?

ELAINE

No.

GEORGE

What happens if you get a green or blue one?

ELAINE

I eat it. I like yellow. It's not like I'm prejudiced.

GEORGE

I sometimes empty the entire bag straight into my mouth.

(OFF JERRY AND ELAINE'S LOOKS OF DIGUST)

GEORGE

It happens.

ELAINE

Gretchen belongs to my gym. I tell ya she's hot. If I wasn't straight she's the sort I'd go for.

GEORGE

Really?

ELAINE

Sure. She looks amazing. She could be a model.

JERRY

This is a side of you we've never seen before.

ELAINE

Oh like you've never thought another man was attractive?

GEORGE

Never.

JERRY

Never crossed my mind. Straight men do not find other men attractive.

ELAINE

Yeah, right. Don't think it means anything because it doesn't.

JERRY AND GEORGE SWAP LOOKS.

ELAINE

It doesn't! Ooo, I wish I hadn't said anything. I knew you'd take it the wrong way.

JERRY

Does Roger know about... this?

ELAINE

What this? There's no this. And not a word.

JERRY

I swear.

ELAINE

I mean it. Because it's nothing.

GEORGE

Whatever you say.

ELAINE

Roger got some extra tickets for Les Mis. Wanna go?

JERRY

With Roger?

ELAINE

Yeah. Why, don't you like Roger?

JERRY

He's okay.

ELAINE

Is it because he's British? He can't help his accent.

JERRY

Not his accent. It's the constant cockney rhyming slang.'Hey Jerry, new whistle and flute?' Meaning new suit. Who's he think he is - Eliza Doolittle?

ELAINE

It is a little irritating. He's from London .First visit here.

GEORGE

What is a cockney anyway?

ELAINE

Someone born in London within the sound of Bow Bells.

JERRY

I'll go. I'll bring Gretchen. Long as you promise not to make gog-goo eyes at her all evening.

ELAINE

Oh boy.

INT. DAY. GYM LOCKER ROOM.

ELAINE HAS FINISHED A WORKOUT AND IS DRESSED READY TO LEAVE.

GRETCHEN, A BEAUTIFUL KNOCKOUT BLONDE, ENTERS WEARING SWEATY WORKOUT GEAR.

GRETCHEN

Hi. You're Elaine aren't you? Jerry's friend?

ELAINE

Oh hi. Gretchen, right?

GRETCHEN

Didn't you date Jerry once?

ELAINE

A long time ago. We're so-oo over.

GRETCHEN

You work for Pendant Publishing?

ELAINE

Yeah.

GRETCHEN

I think I 've got something in my eye. Could you take a look?

ELAINE EXAMINES GRETCHEN'S EYE.

ELAINE

(THINKS)

Yowza! Look how gorgeous she is. Any woman can see she's attractive. What am I thinking? Get a grip, Benes. I like guys. I like guys.

(ALOUD)

I like guys.

GRETCHEN

What did you say?

ELAINE

I said I....like your eyes. Green.

GRETCHEN

I'll let you into a secret. They're green coloured contacts.

ELAINE

Really?

GRETCHEN

Don't tell Jerry.

ELAINE

I won't.

THEY LAUGH TOGETHER.

ELAINE

(THINKS)

Did we just bond? I think we bonded.

GRETCHEN

Did Jerry ever act weird around you?

ELAINE

Pretty much everything Jerry does is weird.

GRETCHEN

Like tell jokes for a living. How weird is that?

ELAINE

I know.

GRETCHEN

Sometimes he looks at me strange. When I'm eating M and M's.

ELAINE

Ah!

GRETCHEN

What's that all about?

ELAINE

Beautiful women freak him out.

(THINKS)

Omigod! I called her beautiful. Mebbe she didn't notice.

GRETCHEN

You think I'm beautiful?

ELAINE

(THINKS)

She noticed! Now what? Tell her she's a total dog. Ah, who am I kidding?

GRETCHEN

Because I think you're beautiful too.

ELAINE

(THINKS)

Whoa! Time out. Is she coming on to me? Ok. No panic. I can handle this.

ELAINE

Gotta go. Bye.

ELAINE DASHES FOR THE DOOR.

INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY AND GRETCHEN ARE READY TO GO OUT TO SEE LES MISERABLES.

GRETCHEN

I've never seen Les Miserables.

JERRY

You'll like it. It's about the French Revolution. LIke ours only with better catering.

GRETCHEN

Elaine's going?

JERRY

Her friend Roger got the tickets.

GRETCHEN

She works for Pendant Publishing.

JERRY

Hmm.

GRETCHEN

I'd really like to spend some time with her. I feel she'd be interested in what I have to offer.

DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY POPS THE DOOR. ELAINE ENTERS.

ELAINE

Oh, um, hi Gretchen.

GRETCHEN

Elaine. You look beautiful.

ELAINE

Er, thanks. You too.

GRETCHEN

(TO JERRY)

I'll get my purse.

(EXITS)

ELAINE

Jerry, a quick word.

(DRAGS JERRY INTO THE KITCHEN)

I think your girlfriend might be coming on to me.

JERRY

Actually she did say she wanted to spend time with you.

ELAINE

I knew it. You've got to do something.

JERRY

What can I do?

ELAINE

Sleep with her, Jerry. For my sake.

JERRY

For your sake?

ELAINE

Just nail her.

THE DOOR OPENS. ROGER ENTERS. HE IS A TALL HANDSOME BRIT. HE HAS HIS OVERCOAT IN HIS HANDS.

ROGER

Jerry, mate. Couldn't do me a favour? Can I leave my overcoat here? This New York weather has caught me out. Back in Blighty it's usually cats and dogs.

JERRY

Cats and dogs?

ROGER

Raining. Stair rods. Cats and dogs. Bit of rhymming slang. I'm a cockney, y'know.

JERRY

I know. Sure. I'll hang it up.

JERRY HANGS ROGER'S OVERCOAT UP.

GRETCHEN ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM. ELAINE PARTIALLY HIDES BEHIND ROGER.

JERRY

Gretchen. Roger, Elaine's friend.

GRETCHEN

Hi.

ROGER

Wotcha.

JERRY

Better be going.

ELAINE

Right.

(SHE PRACTICALLY DRAGS ROGER OUT THE DOOR)

INT. NIGHT. THEATRE.

JERRY, ELAINE, GRETCHEN AND ROGER ARE SEATED WATCHING THE PLAY.

ELAINE IS SEATED NEXT TO GRETCHEN.

ELAINE

(THINKS)

How come I'm seated next to Gretchen? It should be guy/gal guy/gal.Not guy/gal gal/guy. I bet this was her idea.

GRETCHEN PUTS HER HAND ON THE ARMREST WHICH ELAINE OCCUPIES.

GRETCHEN

I'm sorry. You have the armrest, Elaine.

ELAINE

No, no. You want it it's yours.

GRETCHEN

Let's share it.

GRETCHEN PUTS HER HAND ON TOP OF ELAINE'S.

CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S APPALLED EXPRESION.

INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY AND ELAINE SEATED OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.

JERRY

I'm sure you're imagining things.

ELAINE

Jerry, when we left the theater she slipped her card in my pocket. It has her number, address, everything.

JERRY

Gretchen's very friendly.

ELAINE

I haven't gone to the gym in days in case we meet. I feel like a fat blimp.

JERRY

I'll make a move tonight.

ELAINE

Just relax and be yourself. Don't tell any jokes.

JERRY

Appreciate the advice.

GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S IN A VERY GOOD MOOD.

GEORGE

Guess what?

JERRY

Judging by your smile twinkies are six for a dime.

GEORGE

Even better. Check it out. Hair in a can.

GEORGE BRANDISHES A AEROSOL CAN.

ELAINE

What?

GEORGE

Hair. In a can. Some guy was selling it from a stall in the village.

JERRY

This is black spray paint.

GEORGE

Jerry, only an idiot would pay $100 for a can of paint.

ELAINE

Seems like spray paint to me.

GEORGE

Ah what d'you know. You've got enough hair for two. This is replacement hair therapy. From Switzerland.

JERRY

Like the cuckoo clock.

GEORGE

Totally realistic effect.It's the real deal. I was thinking you could spray it on me tonight.

JERRY

Date with Gretchen.

GEORGE

Elaine?

ELAINE

Roger's cooking me a traditional cockney meal. Toad in the hole.

JERRY

A real toad?

ELAINE

With the British who the hell knows? He also mentioned jellied eels. I tell ya, I see an eel on my plate, jellied or not, I'm outta there.

GEORGE

Fine. I'll ask Kramer. You know I expected more support.

ELAINE

You want support? Toss it in the trash.

GEORGE

(LEAVES)

You'll see. You'll see.

INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY AND GRETCHEN. THEY ARE ON THE COUCH MAKING OUT.

JERRY

Y'know, the bedroom would be more comfortable.

GRETCHEN

Hmm. You know, I haven't seen Elaine lately.

JERRY

Who needs Elaine?

GRETCHEN

I want to give her something.

JERRY

The same thing I want to give you?

GRETCHEN

I'll show you.

(SHE PRODUCES A MANUSCRIPT FROM A BAG)

She works for Pendant Publishing. I've written a novel called Hot Love. I'd like her to read it.

JERRY

Hot Love. Catchy title. So that's why...

GRETCHEN

Why what?

JERRY

Nothing. You know Elaine turned down the Harry Potter books.

GRETCHEN

No! Really?

JERRY

Sure. 'Boy wizards, that'll never sell. Get the hell outta my office'. Her exact words to JK Rowling.

GRETCHEN

You're kidding? Oh Jerry you're such a big kidder.

INT. NIGHT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT

KRAMER AND GEORGE. KRAMER IS ABOUT TO SPRAY 'HAIR' ON GEORGE'S BALD SPOT.

GEORGE

Make sure you follow the instructions exactly, Kramer. No screwups.

KRAMER

(READS)

Aim. Press nozzle. Don't get near a naked flame. Giddyup.

GEORGE

Here we go. Goodbye baldness.

KRAMER SPRAYS.

GEORGE

How's it look?

KRAMER

Euuum....ker...powww...booooosh!

(SPASM)

GEORGE

(CHECKING IN A MIRROR)

It looks like someone painted my head! Omigod. Rub it off. Rub it off.

INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.

ROGER HAS COOKED FOR ELAINE. THEY ARE SEATED AT THE DINING TABLE.

ROGER

How do you like your Toad in the hole, Elaine?

ELAINE

Which bit's the toad?

ROGER

You've just eaten it.

ELAINE STOPS CHEWING AND FORCES HERSELF TO SWALLOW.

ELAINE

(HOARSE)

Delicious.

ROGER

For dessert, spotted dick.

ELAINE

Spotted what?

ROGER

Dick. Jerry told me you love it.

ELAINE

Jerry said that?

ROGER

'Elaine loves dick' that's what he said.

ELAINE

He did, huh?

ROGER

Oh I almost forgot. To go with the meal - warm beer.

ELAINE

Y'know, I think I have wine somewhere. A nice Cabernet.

ROGER

No. No wine. Cockney's don't drink wine. Happy, darling?