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THE MOCKNEY
A
Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE
SHOP.
JERRY AND GEORGE.
JERRY
How do you feel about M
and M's?
GEORGE
Peanut or regular
chocolate?
JERRY
Regular.
GEORGE
I'm pro M and M. Very
positive feelings.
JERRY
Any colour preference?
GEORGE
What's the difference?
It's all chocolate.
JERRY
Gretchen eats red M and
M's.
GEORGE
Just the red?
JERRY
The red. She has this
whole apartheid policy going on.
GEORGE
What happens if she gets
a different colour?
JERRY
She puts it right back
in the bag.Keeps delving until she comes up with a red one. She doesn't say
anything. But I notice.
GEORGE
Mebbe the red ones are,
y'know, less fattening.
JERRY
How can that be? That's
crazy talk.
GEORGE
I'm trying to help here.
Your girlfriend's the crazy one.
ELAINE ARRIVES. SHE
SLIDES INTO THE BOOTH NEXT TO JERRY.
ELAINE
Who's crazy? Gretchen?
JERRY
Gretchen's not crazy.
GEORGE
She'll only eat red M
and M's.
ELAINE
Peanut or regular
chocolate?
JERRY
Regular.
ELAINE
I kinda like the yellow
ones.
JERRY
Do they taste better?
ELAINE
No.
GEORGE
What happens if you get
a green or blue one?
ELAINE
I eat it. I like yellow.
It's not like I'm prejudiced.
GEORGE
I sometimes empty the
entire bag straight into my mouth.
(OFF JERRY AND ELAINE'S
LOOKS OF DIGUST)
GEORGE
It happens.
ELAINE
Gretchen belongs to my
gym. I tell ya she's hot. If I wasn't straight she's the sort I'd go for.
GEORGE
Really?
ELAINE
Sure. She looks amazing.
She could be a model.
JERRY
This is a side of you
we've never seen before.
ELAINE
Oh like you've never
thought another man was attractive?
GEORGE
Never.
JERRY
Never crossed my mind.
Straight men do not find other men attractive.
ELAINE
Yeah, right. Don't think
it means anything because it doesn't.
JERRY AND GEORGE SWAP
LOOKS.
ELAINE
It doesn't! Ooo, I wish
I hadn't said anything. I knew you'd take it the wrong way.
JERRY
Does Roger know about...
this?
ELAINE
What this? There's no
this. And not a word.
JERRY
I swear.
ELAINE
I mean it. Because it's
nothing.
GEORGE
Whatever you say.
ELAINE
Roger got some extra
tickets for Les Mis. Wanna go?
JERRY
With Roger?
ELAINE
Yeah. Why, don't you
like Roger?
JERRY
He's okay.
ELAINE
Is it because he's
British? He can't help his accent.
JERRY
Not his accent. It's the
constant cockney rhyming slang.'Hey Jerry, new whistle and flute?' Meaning new
suit. Who's he think he is - Eliza Doolittle?
ELAINE
It is a little irritating.
He's from London .First visit here.
GEORGE
What is a cockney
anyway?
ELAINE
Someone born in London
within the sound of Bow Bells.
JERRY
I'll go. I'll bring
Gretchen. Long as you promise not to make gog-goo eyes at her all evening.
ELAINE
Oh boy.
INT. DAY. GYM LOCKER
ROOM.
ELAINE HAS FINISHED A
WORKOUT AND IS DRESSED READY TO LEAVE.
GRETCHEN, A BEAUTIFUL
KNOCKOUT BLONDE, ENTERS WEARING SWEATY WORKOUT GEAR.
GRETCHEN
Hi. You're Elaine aren't
you? Jerry's friend?
ELAINE
Oh hi. Gretchen, right?
GRETCHEN
Didn't you date Jerry
once?
ELAINE
A long time ago. We're
so-oo over.
GRETCHEN
You work for Pendant
Publishing?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GRETCHEN
I think I 've got
something in my eye. Could you take a look?
ELAINE EXAMINES
GRETCHEN'S EYE.
ELAINE
(THINKS)
Yowza! Look how gorgeous
she is. Any woman can see she's attractive. What am I thinking? Get a grip,
Benes. I like guys. I like guys.
(ALOUD)
I like guys.
GRETCHEN
What did you say?
ELAINE
I said I....like your
eyes. Green.
GRETCHEN
I'll let you into a
secret. They're green coloured contacts.
ELAINE
Really?
GRETCHEN
Don't tell Jerry.
ELAINE
I won't.
THEY LAUGH TOGETHER.
ELAINE
(THINKS)
Did we just bond? I
think we bonded.
GRETCHEN
Did Jerry ever act weird
around you?
ELAINE
Pretty much everything
Jerry does is weird.
GRETCHEN
Like tell jokes for a
living. How weird is that?
ELAINE
I know.
GRETCHEN
Sometimes he looks at me
strange. When I'm eating M and M's.
ELAINE
Ah!
GRETCHEN
What's that all about?
ELAINE
Beautiful women freak
him out.
(THINKS)
Omigod! I called her
beautiful. Mebbe she didn't notice.
GRETCHEN
You think I'm beautiful?
ELAINE
(THINKS)
She noticed! Now what?
Tell her she's a total dog. Ah, who am I kidding?
GRETCHEN
Because I think you're
beautiful too.
ELAINE
(THINKS)
Whoa! Time out. Is she
coming on to me? Ok. No panic. I can handle this.
ELAINE
Gotta go. Bye.
ELAINE DASHES FOR THE
DOOR.
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S
APARTMENT.
JERRY AND GRETCHEN ARE
READY TO GO OUT TO SEE LES MISERABLES.
GRETCHEN
I've never seen Les
Miserables.
JERRY
You'll like it. It's
about the French Revolution. LIke ours only with better catering.
GRETCHEN
Elaine's going?
JERRY
Her friend Roger got the
tickets.
GRETCHEN
She works for Pendant
Publishing.
JERRY
Hmm.
GRETCHEN
I'd really like to spend
some time with her. I feel she'd be interested in what I have to offer.
DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS.
JERRY POPS THE DOOR. ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Oh, um, hi Gretchen.
GRETCHEN
Elaine. You look
beautiful.
ELAINE
Er, thanks. You too.
GRETCHEN
(TO JERRY)
I'll get my purse.
(EXITS)
ELAINE
Jerry, a quick word.
(DRAGS JERRY INTO THE
KITCHEN)
I think your girlfriend
might be coming on to me.
JERRY
Actually she did say she
wanted to spend time with you.
ELAINE
I knew it. You've got to
do something.
JERRY
What can I do?
ELAINE
Sleep with her, Jerry.
For my sake.
JERRY
For your sake?
ELAINE
Just nail her.
THE DOOR OPENS. ROGER
ENTERS. HE IS A TALL HANDSOME BRIT. HE HAS HIS OVERCOAT IN HIS HANDS.
ROGER
Jerry, mate. Couldn't do
me a favour? Can I leave my overcoat here? This New York weather has caught me
out. Back in Blighty it's usually cats and dogs.
JERRY
Cats and dogs?
ROGER
Raining. Stair rods.
Cats and dogs. Bit of rhymming slang. I'm a cockney, y'know.
JERRY
I know. Sure. I'll hang
it up.
JERRY HANGS ROGER'S
OVERCOAT UP.
GRETCHEN ENTERS FROM THE
BEDROOM. ELAINE PARTIALLY HIDES BEHIND ROGER.
JERRY
Gretchen. Roger,
Elaine's friend.
GRETCHEN
Hi.
ROGER
Wotcha.
JERRY
Better be going.
ELAINE
Right.
(SHE PRACTICALLY DRAGS
ROGER OUT THE DOOR)
INT. NIGHT. THEATRE.
JERRY, ELAINE, GRETCHEN
AND ROGER ARE SEATED WATCHING THE PLAY.
ELAINE IS SEATED NEXT TO
GRETCHEN.
ELAINE
(THINKS)
How come I'm seated next
to Gretchen? It should be guy/gal guy/gal.Not guy/gal gal/guy. I bet this was
her idea.
GRETCHEN PUTS HER HAND
ON THE ARMREST WHICH ELAINE OCCUPIES.
GRETCHEN
I'm sorry. You have the
armrest, Elaine.
ELAINE
No, no. You want it it's
yours.
GRETCHEN
Let's share it.
GRETCHEN PUTS HER HAND
ON TOP OF ELAINE'S.
CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S
APPALLED EXPRESION.
INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE
SHOP.
JERRY AND ELAINE SEATED
OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.
JERRY
I'm sure you're
imagining things.
ELAINE
Jerry, when we left the
theater she slipped her card in my pocket. It has her number, address,
everything.
JERRY
Gretchen's very
friendly.
ELAINE
I haven't gone to the
gym in days in case we meet. I feel like a fat blimp.
JERRY
I'll make a move
tonight.
ELAINE
Just relax and be
yourself. Don't tell any jokes.
JERRY
Appreciate the advice.
GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S IN A
VERY GOOD MOOD.
GEORGE
Guess what?
JERRY
Judging by your smile
twinkies are six for a dime.
GEORGE
Even better. Check it
out. Hair in a can.
GEORGE BRANDISHES A
AEROSOL CAN.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
Hair. In a can. Some guy
was selling it from a stall in the village.
JERRY
This is black spray
paint.
GEORGE
Jerry, only an idiot
would pay $100 for a can of paint.
ELAINE
Seems like spray paint
to me.
GEORGE
Ah what d'you know.
You've got enough hair for two. This is replacement hair therapy. From
Switzerland.
JERRY
Like the cuckoo clock.
GEORGE
Totally realistic
effect.It's the real deal. I was thinking you could spray it on me tonight.
JERRY
Date with Gretchen.
GEORGE
Elaine?
ELAINE
Roger's cooking me a
traditional cockney meal. Toad in the hole.
JERRY
A real toad?
ELAINE
With the British who the
hell knows? He also mentioned jellied eels. I tell ya, I see an eel on my
plate, jellied or not, I'm outta there.
GEORGE
Fine. I'll ask Kramer.
You know I expected more support.
ELAINE
You want support? Toss
it in the trash.
GEORGE
(LEAVES)
You'll see. You'll see.
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S
APARTMENT.
JERRY AND GRETCHEN. THEY
ARE ON THE COUCH MAKING OUT.
JERRY
Y'know, the bedroom
would be more comfortable.
GRETCHEN
Hmm. You know, I haven't
seen Elaine lately.
JERRY
Who needs Elaine?
GRETCHEN
I want to give her
something.
JERRY
The same thing I want to
give you?
GRETCHEN
I'll show you.
(SHE PRODUCES A
MANUSCRIPT FROM A BAG)
She works for Pendant
Publishing. I've written a novel called Hot Love. I'd like her to read it.
JERRY
Hot Love. Catchy title.
So that's why...
GRETCHEN
Why what?
JERRY
Nothing. You know Elaine
turned down the Harry Potter books.
GRETCHEN
No! Really?
JERRY
Sure. 'Boy wizards,
that'll never sell. Get the hell outta my office'. Her exact words to JK
Rowling.
GRETCHEN
You're kidding? Oh Jerry
you're such a big kidder.
INT. NIGHT. KRAMER'S
APARTMENT
KRAMER AND GEORGE.
KRAMER IS ABOUT TO SPRAY 'HAIR' ON GEORGE'S BALD SPOT.
GEORGE
Make sure you follow the
instructions exactly, Kramer. No screwups.
KRAMER
(READS)
Aim. Press nozzle. Don't
get near a naked flame. Giddyup.
GEORGE
Here we go. Goodbye
baldness.
KRAMER SPRAYS.
GEORGE
How's it look?
KRAMER
Euuum....ker...powww...booooosh!
(SPASM)
GEORGE
(CHECKING IN A MIRROR)
It looks like someone
painted my head! Omigod. Rub it off. Rub it off.
INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S
APARTMENT.
ROGER HAS COOKED FOR
ELAINE. THEY ARE SEATED AT THE DINING TABLE.
ROGER
How do you like your
Toad in the hole, Elaine?
ELAINE
Which bit's the toad?
ROGER
You've just eaten it.
ELAINE STOPS CHEWING AND
FORCES HERSELF TO SWALLOW.
ELAINE
(HOARSE)
Delicious.
ROGER
For dessert, spotted
dick.
ELAINE
Spotted what?
ROGER
Dick. Jerry told me you
love it.
ELAINE
Jerry said that?
ROGER
'Elaine loves dick'
that's what he said.
ELAINE
He did, huh?
ROGER
Oh I almost forgot. To
go with the meal - warm beer.
ELAINE
Y'know, I think I have
wine somewhere. A nice Cabernet.
ROGER
No. No wine. Cockney's
don't drink wine. Happy, darling?
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