THE MOCKNEY

A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz

2003

INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY AND GEORGE.

JERRY

How do you feel about M and M's?

GEORGE

Peanut or regular chocolate?

JERRY

Regular.

GEORGE

I'm pro M and M. Very positive feelings.

JERRY

Any colour preference?

GEORGE

What's the difference? It's all chocolate.

JERRY

Gretchen eats red M and M's.

GEORGE

Just the red?

JERRY

The red. She has this whole apartheid policy going on.

GEORGE

What happens if she gets a different colour?

JERRY

She puts it right back in the bag.Keeps delving until she comes up with a red one. She doesn't say anything. But I notice.

GEORGE

Mebbe the red ones are, y'know, less fattening.

JERRY

How can that be? That's crazy talk.

GEORGE

I'm trying to help here. Your girlfriend's the crazy one.

ELAINE ARRIVES. SHE SLIDES INTO THE BOOTH NEXT TO JERRY.

ELAINE

Who's crazy? Gretchen?

JERRY

Gretchen's not crazy.

GEORGE

She'll only eat red M and M's.

ELAINE

Peanut or regular chocolate?

JERRY

Regular.

ELAINE

I kinda like the yellow ones.

JERRY

Do they taste better?

ELAINE

No.

GEORGE

What happens if you get a green or blue one?

ELAINE

I eat it. I like yellow. It's not like I'm prejudiced.

GEORGE

I sometimes empty the entire bag straight into my mouth.

(OFF JERRY AND ELAINE'S LOOKS OF DIGUST)

GEORGE

It happens.

ELAINE

Gretchen belongs to my gym. I tell ya she's hot. If I wasn't straight she's the sort I'd go for.

GEORGE

Really?

ELAINE

Sure. She looks amazing. She could be a model.

JERRY

This is a side of you we've never seen before.

ELAINE

Oh like you've never thought another man was attractive?

GEORGE

Never.

JERRY

Never crossed my mind. Straight men do not find other men attractive.

ELAINE

Yeah, right. Don't think it means anything because it doesn't.

JERRY AND GEORGE SWAP LOOKS.

ELAINE

It doesn't! Ooo, I wish I hadn't said anything. I knew you'd take it the wrong way.

JERRY

Does Roger know about... this?

ELAINE

What this? There's no this. And not a word.

JERRY

I swear.

ELAINE

I mean it. Because it's nothing.

GEORGE

Whatever you say.

ELAINE

Roger got some extra tickets for Les Mis. Wanna go?

JERRY

With Roger?

ELAINE

Yeah. Why, don't you like Roger?

JERRY

He's okay.

ELAINE

Is it because he's British? He can't help his accent.

JERRY

Not his accent. It's the constant cockney rhyming slang.'Hey Jerry, new whistle and flute?' Meaning new suit. Who's he think he is - Eliza Doolittle?

ELAINE

It is a little irritating. He's from London .First visit here.

GEORGE

What is a cockney anyway?

ELAINE

Someone born in London within the sound of Bow Bells.

JERRY

I'll go. I'll bring Gretchen. Long as you promise not to make gog-goo eyes at her all evening.

ELAINE

Oh boy.

INT. DAY. GYM LOCKER ROOM.

ELAINE HAS FINISHED A WORKOUT AND IS DRESSED READY TO LEAVE.

GRETCHEN, A BEAUTIFUL KNOCKOUT BLONDE, ENTERS WEARING SWEATY WORKOUT GEAR.

GRETCHEN

Hi. You're Elaine aren't you? Jerry's friend?

ELAINE

Oh hi. Gretchen, right?

GRETCHEN

Didn't you date Jerry once?

ELAINE

A long time ago. We're so-oo over.

GRETCHEN

You work for Pendant Publishing?

ELAINE

Yeah.

GRETCHEN

I think I 've got something in my eye. Could you take a look?

ELAINE EXAMINES GRETCHEN'S EYE.

ELAINE

(THINKS)

Yowza! Look how gorgeous she is. Any woman can see she's attractive. What am I thinking? Get a grip, Benes. I like guys. I like guys.

(ALOUD)

I like guys.

GRETCHEN

What did you say?

ELAINE

I said I....like your eyes. Green.

GRETCHEN

I'll let you into a secret. They're green coloured contacts.

ELAINE

Really?

GRETCHEN

Don't tell Jerry.

ELAINE

I won't.

THEY LAUGH TOGETHER.

ELAINE

(THINKS)

Did we just bond? I think we bonded.

GRETCHEN

Did Jerry ever act weird around you?

ELAINE

Pretty much everything Jerry does is weird.

GRETCHEN

Like tell jokes for a living. How weird is that?

ELAINE

I know.

GRETCHEN

Sometimes he looks at me strange. When I'm eating M and M's.

ELAINE

Ah!

GRETCHEN

What's that all about?

ELAINE

Beautiful women freak him out.

(THINKS)

Omigod! I called her beautiful. Mebbe she didn't notice.

GRETCHEN

You think I'm beautiful?

ELAINE

(THINKS)

She noticed! Now what? Tell her she's a total dog. Ah, who am I kidding?

GRETCHEN

Because I think you're beautiful too.

ELAINE

(THINKS)

Whoa! Time out. Is she coming on to me? Ok. No panic. I can handle this.

ELAINE

Gotta go. Bye.

ELAINE DASHES FOR THE DOOR.

INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY AND GRETCHEN ARE READY TO GO OUT TO SEE LES MISERABLES.

GRETCHEN

I've never seen Les Miserables.

JERRY

You'll like it. It's about the French Revolution. LIke ours only with better catering.

GRETCHEN

Elaine's going?

JERRY

Her friend Roger got the tickets.

GRETCHEN

She works for Pendant Publishing.

JERRY

Hmm.

GRETCHEN

I'd really like to spend some time with her. I feel she'd be interested in what I have to offer.

DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY POPS THE DOOR. ELAINE ENTERS.

ELAINE

Oh, um, hi Gretchen.

GRETCHEN

Elaine. You look beautiful.

ELAINE

Er, thanks. You too.

GRETCHEN

(TO JERRY)

I'll get my purse.

(EXITS)

ELAINE

Jerry, a quick word.

(DRAGS JERRY INTO THE KITCHEN)

I think your girlfriend might be coming on to me.

JERRY

Actually she did say she wanted to spend time with you.

ELAINE

I knew it. You've got to do something.

JERRY

What can I do?

ELAINE

Sleep with her, Jerry. For my sake.

JERRY

For your sake?

ELAINE

Just nail her.

THE DOOR OPENS. ROGER ENTERS. HE IS A TALL HANDSOME BRIT. HE HAS HIS OVERCOAT IN HIS HANDS.

ROGER

Jerry, mate. Couldn't do me a favour? Can I leave my overcoat here? This New York weather has caught me out. Back in Blighty it's usually cats and dogs.

JERRY

Cats and dogs?

ROGER

Raining. Stair rods. Cats and dogs. Bit of rhymming slang. I'm a cockney, y'know.

JERRY

I know. Sure. I'll hang it up.

JERRY HANGS ROGER'S OVERCOAT UP.

GRETCHEN ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM. ELAINE PARTIALLY HIDES BEHIND ROGER.

JERRY

Gretchen. Roger, Elaine's friend.

GRETCHEN

Hi.

ROGER

Wotcha.

JERRY

Better be going.

ELAINE

Right.

(SHE PRACTICALLY DRAGS ROGER OUT THE DOOR)

INT. NIGHT. THEATRE.

JERRY, ELAINE, GRETCHEN AND ROGER ARE SEATED WATCHING THE PLAY.

ELAINE IS SEATED NEXT TO GRETCHEN.

ELAINE

(THINKS)

How come I'm seated next to Gretchen? It should be guy/gal guy/gal.Not guy/gal gal/guy. I bet this was her idea.

GRETCHEN PUTS HER HAND ON THE ARMREST WHICH ELAINE OCCUPIES.

GRETCHEN

I'm sorry. You have the armrest, Elaine.

ELAINE

No, no. You want it it's yours.

GRETCHEN

Let's share it.

GRETCHEN PUTS HER HAND ON TOP OF ELAINE'S.

CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S APPALLED EXPRESION.

INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY AND ELAINE SEATED OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.

JERRY

I'm sure you're imagining things.

ELAINE

Jerry, when we left the theater she slipped her card in my pocket. It has her number, address, everything.

JERRY

Gretchen's very friendly.

ELAINE

I haven't gone to the gym in days in case we meet. I feel like a fat blimp.

JERRY

I'll make a move tonight.

ELAINE

Just relax and be yourself. Don't tell any jokes.

JERRY

Appreciate the advice.

GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S IN A VERY GOOD MOOD.

GEORGE

Guess what?

JERRY

Judging by your smile twinkies are six for a dime.

GEORGE

Even better. Check it out. Hair in a can.

GEORGE BRANDISHES A AEROSOL CAN.

ELAINE

What?

GEORGE

Hair. In a can. Some guy was selling it from a stall in the village.

JERRY

This is black spray paint.

GEORGE

Jerry, only an idiot would pay $100 for a can of paint.

ELAINE

Seems like spray paint to me.

GEORGE

Ah what d'you know. You've got enough hair for two. This is replacement hair therapy. From Switzerland.

JERRY

Like the cuckoo clock.

GEORGE

Totally realistic effect.It's the real deal. I was thinking you could spray it on me tonight.

JERRY

Date with Gretchen.

GEORGE

Elaine?

ELAINE

Roger's cooking me a traditional cockney meal. Toad in the hole.

JERRY

A real toad?

ELAINE

With the British who the hell knows? He also mentioned jellied eels. I tell ya, I see an eel on my plate, jellied or not, I'm outta there.

GEORGE

Fine. I'll ask Kramer. You know I expected more support.

ELAINE

You want support? Toss it in the trash.

GEORGE

(LEAVES)

You'll see. You'll see.

INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY AND GRETCHEN. THEY ARE ON THE COUCH MAKING OUT.

JERRY

Y'know, the bedroom would be more comfortable.

GRETCHEN

Hmm. You know, I haven't seen Elaine lately.

JERRY

Who needs Elaine?

GRETCHEN

I want to give her something.

JERRY

The same thing I want to give you?

GRETCHEN

I'll show you.

(SHE PRODUCES A MANUSCRIPT FROM A BAG)

She works for Pendant Publishing. I've written a novel called Hot Love. I'd like her to read it.

JERRY

Hot Love. Catchy title. So that's why...

GRETCHEN

Why what?

JERRY

Nothing. You know Elaine turned down the Harry Potter books.

GRETCHEN

No! Really?

JERRY

Sure. 'Boy wizards, that'll never sell. Get the hell outta my office'. Her exact words to JK Rowling.

GRETCHEN

You're kidding? Oh Jerry you're such a big kidder.

INT. NIGHT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT

KRAMER AND GEORGE. KRAMER IS ABOUT TO SPRAY 'HAIR' ON GEORGE'S BALD SPOT.

GEORGE

Make sure you follow the instructions exactly, Kramer. No screwups.

KRAMER

(READS)

Aim. Press nozzle. Don't get near a naked flame. Giddyup.

GEORGE

Here we go. Goodbye baldness.

KRAMER SPRAYS.

GEORGE

How's it look?

KRAMER

Euuum....ker...powww...booooosh!

(SPASM)

GEORGE

(CHECKING IN A MIRROR)

It looks like someone painted my head! Omigod. Rub it off. Rub it off.

INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.

ROGER HAS COOKED FOR ELAINE. THEY ARE SEATED AT THE DINING TABLE.

ROGER

How do you like your Toad in the hole, Elaine?

ELAINE

Which bit's the toad?

ROGER

You've just eaten it.

ELAINE STOPS CHEWING AND FORCES HERSELF TO SWALLOW.

ELAINE

(HOARSE)

Delicious.

ROGER

For dessert, spotted dick.

ELAINE

Spotted what?

ROGER

Dick. Jerry told me you love it.

ELAINE

Jerry said that?

ROGER

'Elaine loves dick' that's what he said.

ELAINE

He did, huh?

ROGER

Oh I almost forgot. To go with the meal - warm beer.

ELAINE

Y'know, I think I have wine somewhere. A nice Cabernet.

ROGER

No. No wine. Cockney's don't drink wine. Happy, darling?

ELAINE

(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH)

Ecstatic.

INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY AND ELAINE.

ELAINE

You're telling me Gretchen has hot love for me?

JERRY

Hot love. Her exact words.

ELAINE

That's it. I'm leaving New York.

JERRY

Let her give you Hot Love. You might be suprised.

JERRY SMIRKS, HAVING FUN JOSHING ELAINE.

GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S WEARING A WOOLLEN BEANIE HAT.

GEORGE

Hey.

ELAINE

Well?

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

Aren't you going to show us your new hair?

GEORGE SIGHS AND LIFTS HIS BEANIE TO REVEAL HIS PAINTED SCALP.

JERRY AND ELAINE LAUGH.

GEORGE

It's not funny. I'm going to find the guy sold me this 'hair replacement' and, well, it won't be a pretty sight.

ELAINE

You can say that again.

JERRY

Hair in a can for 100 bucks. Who'd have thought that was a scam?

GEORGE

Lap it up why don't you. It won't come off. I've been under the shower all morning.

JERRY

Spray it on your face. You can be Brother George from Harlem.

GEORGE

I get no respect here! No respect.

GEORGE STORMS OUT.

JERRY

I guess he didn't like me dissing him.

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND ELAINE.

ELAINE HAS GRETCHEN'S MANUSCRIPT 'HOT LOVE'.

ELAINE

This is the hot love Gretchen has for me?

JERRY

Disappointed?

ELAINE

You wish. LIke I need to read another unsolicited novel. Jerry, what are you doing?

JERRY HAS EMPTIED THE CONTENTS OF AN M AND M BAG ON THE TABLE.

JERRY

I've removed all the red M and M's. Now Gretchen has to eat another colour. Want the red ones?

ELAINE

Nah. I'm ok. You realise you're one tiny step away from total paranoia?

JERRY

I like to think so.

KRAMER AND GEORGE BURST INTO ROOM.

GEORGE

Kramer has used my hair in a can to paint his furniture!

ELAINE

What?

KRAMER

Buddy, it's good stuff. Nice sheen. Dries real quick.

GEORGE

Tell me about it.

ELAINE

I think your head's looking better.

GEORGE

You think?

ELAINE

Nah. I'm humouring you. You look ridiculous.

GEORGE

I can't take it back now. Kramer's used the entire hair in a can on his kitchen chairs.

KRAMER NOTICES ROGER'S OVERCOAT AND PUTS IT ON.

KRAMER

Nice duds. Abercrombie and Fitch. Oh mama. Genuine cashmere.

ELAINE

That's Roger's. He's coming by to pick me up. Don't ruin it.

KRAMER

What's this? Passport.

ELAINE

Kramer! Don't touch that. It's private.

KRAMER

(READS)

Roger Hamish Tavistock. Age 35.

ELAINE

Kramer!

KRAMER

(READS)

Nationality. Scottish.

JERRY

Scottish?

KRAMER

(READS)

Born Glasgow, Scotland.

JERRY

He's not a cockney?

KRAMER

Nope.

ELAINE

He's a mockney!

JERRY

All that cockney rhymming slang was phoney. I knew it. No one talks that way.

ELAINE

I had to eat all that dreadful cockney food for nothing.

GEORGE

I'm starting to like Roger.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

JERRY

It's open.

ROGER ENTERS.

ROGER

Glad your lift works, Jerry mate. Didn't fancy the apple and pears.

JERRY

Apple and pears?

ROGER

Apple and pears. Stairs. Cockney rhymming slang.

ELAINE

Rig-ht. Are there many Scottish cockneys, Roger?

ROGER

Elaine? Scottish cockneys?

ELAINE

Age 35 and born in, say, Glasgow, Scotland. You're a mockney.

ELAINE EXITS, FOLLOWED BY ROGER.

ROGER

Elaine. Wait. I can explain. You see I've always been a big fan of Michael Caine. I thought it would make me seem more interesting. Scotland is so boring... Please, Elaine...

KRAMER

Roger forgot his coat. Hey, wait up!

(EXITS)

GEORGE

Kramer, where's my hair in a can?

(EXITS)

GRETCHEN APPEARS IN THE OPEN DOORWAY.

GRETCHEN

Wow, quite a commotion.

JERRY

Oh the usual. M and M?

GRETCHEN

Thanks.

GRETCHENS DELVES INTO THE BAG.

JERRY

Something wrong?

GRETCHEN

That's odd. There don't appear to be any-

JERRY

Red ones?

GRETCHEN

Well, yes.

JERRY

I've eaten them all.

GRETCHEN

You ate all the red ones? I don't believe it.

JERRY

I don't believe you only eat red M and m's.

GRETCHEN

So you ate them to spite me?

JERRY

Yes. Yes, I did.

GRETCHEN

Goodbye, Jerry.

JERRY

You're breaking up with me over M and M's?

GRETCHEN

That's right.

GRETCHEN OPENS DOOR AND LEAVES.

JERRY

(AFTER HER)

I have a dream. That one day all M and M's are treated equal.

INT. DAY. PENDANT PUBLISHING. ELAINE'S OFFICE.

ELAINE AND GRETCHEN.

ELAINE

Anyway, I've read your novel, Gretchen.

GRETCHEN

Hot Love.

ELAINE

Ye-es. I see one of the characters is called Eleanor.

GRETCHEN

Yes. The short sultry brunette.

ELAINE

Right. And the other main character is called - Gertrude?

GRETCHEN

The tall blonde who's confused about her sexuality.

ELAINE

How can I put this? Did you by any chance base them on anyone you know? Bearing in mind our country's strict libel laws.

GRTECHEN

They're totally fictictious.

ELAINE

Right right. Only Gertrude in the novel dates a character called Jerome...

GRETCHEN

Who is unable to gratify her.

ELAINE

Which is very believable, by the way. He seems very real to me. Almost like an actual person...

GRETCHEN

He let Gertrude down badly. But Eleanor comforts her and their's becomes a true and moving love story.

ELAINE

That's the part I'm having trouble with. It seems a trifle far fetched. I think perhaps they should remain friends. Acquaintances even. Distant acquaintances.

GRETCHEN

So the hayloft scene where they consumate their love meant nothing?

ELAINE

No. All that straw. Getting everywhere. And the ticks. My God, the ticks. Quick handshake and Eleanor's outta there, I say.

GRETCHEN

That seems a little cold.

ELAINE

And yet so real.

GRETCHEN STANDS AND SHAKES ELAINE'S HAND.

GRETCHEN

If you're sure.

ELAINE

I've never been surer in my life.

GRETCHEN LEAVES.A RELIEVED ELAINE LEANS BACK IN HER SEAT AND FANS HERSELF WITH THE HOT LOVE MANUSCRIPT.

INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE SHARE A BOOTH.

JERRY

I broke up with Gretchen over M and M's. How pathetic is that?

GEORGE

You want pathetic? I spent 100 bucks on hair replacement that turns out to be black paint. That's pathetic, my friend. For I am Costanza, prince of fools.

ELAINE

I dumped Roger for being a mockney. What's wrong with me? Why can't I keep a man?

JERRY

Gretchen was beautiful. Is it such a crime she eats red M and M's?

GEORGE

I've got to keep wearing this stupid beanie hat till the paint wears off.

ELAINE

We are one sorry bunch of people.

THEY STARE GLOOMILY AT THE TABLE

JERRY

In the whole world I don't think there's one person more pathetic than us.

JERRY'S UNCLE LEO ENTERS. HE HAS USED HAIR IN A CAN. HIS BALD HEAD IS PAINTED BLACK.

UNCLE LEO

Jerry!

JERRY

I stand corrected. Uncle Leo!

THE END

******************************AUTHOR'S NOTE*******************************

No toads were harmed during the writing of this script.

Toad in the hole is a trad. British meal made from batter and sausages.

Nothing amphibian. Spotted dick is mainly sponge and currants, usually served with custard.

****************************************************************************