|THE MALL JAIL
Written by: Jon Turtle
The foursome walks through the Mall
ELAINE: Have we been to Hayrick’s yet?
GEORGE: Where did we park?
KRAMER: In the garage.
GEORGE: Where in the garage?
JERRY: Fourth level.
ELAINE: Really? I thought it was the third.
GEORGE: Oh my god! We’re going to be stuck here again!
JERRY: Calm down! Kramer, where did you park?
KRAMER: Just a second, I’ve got it written down somewhere.
Kramer begins to dig through his pockets, tossing out little slips of paper
KRAMER: Well, gee. I thought I wrote it down on a pad of paper.
ELAINE: Didn’t you have a pad of paper on your tray at the food court?
KRAMER: Well, Jerry threw the food away!
JERRY: So all of a sudden its my job to pick up after you.
KRAMER: Well it doesn’t matter where the car is anyway.
KRAMER: I think my keys were on the tray to.
The next three lines are said more or less at the same time
ELAINE: What? How could you do this? Kramer!
JERRY: Oh my god! Kramer! Is it my job to pick up after you!
GEORGE: Kramer! We’re gonna be stuck here forever! Oh my god!
George shoves Kramer, who shoves him back; Jerry shoves Kramer into Elaine, who shoves him into George, who shoves him into Jerry, who shoves him into Elaine, Steve the security guard enters the scene
STEVE: Are you scrapping?
ELAINE: No! Of course we weren’t scrapping. What are we, ten? We were just…you know.
KRAMER/GEORGE: (pointing at each other) He started it!
They begin to argue about who started it
STEVE: I think you all better come with me.
New Scene- The security offices, there is a jail cell, and a second security guard, Mark, who is sitting on a folding chair with a magazine, Steve, Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer enter)
STEVE: Get in the cell.
They get in Steve shuts the door
STEVE: What are your names?
ELAINE: Elaine Benes.
GEORGE: Art Vandelay.
KRAMER: Martin Von Nostrand
JERRY: Kal Varnsen.
STEVE: I am Steve Larson and this is Mark.
STEVE: Quit fraternizing with the convicts, Mark. They’re gonna be in here for a long six hours.
JERRY: Six hours? That’s a little extreame!
STEVE: Maybe so, Varnsen. But you scrappers have had it to good for too long, and I intend to stop it.
JERRY: (to GEORGE) Art. (No answer) Art. (no answer) Art!
ELAINE: Ge- (stopping herself) Vandelay!
ELAINE: Je- (stopping herself) Kal wants to talk to you.
JERRY: Got any gum?
STEVE: Gum is strictly prohibited.
KRAMER: Gum’s illegal?
GEORGE: What makes you think I’d have gum?
JERRY: I don’t know, I guess I just did.
STEVE: Why did she call you Kramer?
KRAMER: Family name.
STEVE: (unconvinced) I see.
MARK: (to JERRY) Hey are you Jerry Seinfeld?
STEVE: Jerry Seinfeld?
MARK: Yeah, he’s a stand up comedian! Your act was great last Thursday.
STEVE: What’s the deal, Varnsen?
JERRY: Well, there’s a perfectly good explanation for this, I assure you. (sturuggling for an answer) I’m not Jerry Seinfeld.
MARK: You’re not Jerry Seinfeld?
STEVE: You’re not Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY: In fact, I hate Jerry Seinfeld. He’s a horrible comedian.
MARK: No he’s not. He’s awesome.
GEORGE: (changing the subject) I have to go to the bathroom.
Steve opens the cell door and lets George out to the bathroom, which Steve enters also.
GEORGE: Do you mind?
GEORGE: I can’t go with you watching.
STEVE: You’d like that wouldn’t you? For me to leave you alone in the bathroom so you can form some sort of weapon and kill us all. I’m not falling for it, Vandelay! You will go now, or you will not go at all! Do you hear me!
GEORGE: I hear you!
STEVE: Then go!
GEORGE: I can’t go with you watching!
STEVE: Go right now!
GEORGE: I’ve got a shy bladder!
STEVE: That’s it. You’re done!
He pulls George out of the bathroom and shoves him back in the cell
GEORGE: But I’ve still got to go!
STEVE: If I hear one more word about going, I’m gonna knock you into next week! Then you won’t be here with your chum chums! You’ll be in next week!
GEORGE: (nervously) Yes sir.
KRAMER: So why is gum illegal?
ELAINE: Martin will you just let it go?
KRAMER: I want to know!
GEORGE: (whispering) Jer?
JERRY: (whispering) Yeah?
GEORGE: (whispering) I think I just went.
STEVE: (finishing his conversation with Kramer) So basically, gum can be used as a projectile.
KRAMER: Really? I never thought of that. (to ELAINE) This guy’s pretty good.
ELAINE: (unenthusiastically) He’s the best.
Steve’s beeper rings, he looks at it, and leaves
JERRY: Where’s Steve going?
MARK: Duty calls. So why don’t you like Jerry Seinfeld?
JERRY: Well, he’s always ‘have you ever noticed’ ‘have you ever seen’, it just, bothers me.
MARK: But that’s part of his act.
JERRY: Maybe he should change it.
Steve enters with two teenagers
STEVE: So you think you can heckle the wonderful employee’s of this establishment whenever you feel like it, huh?
KRAMER: You know, Jerry has to deal with hecklers at the Comedy Club all the time.
KRAMER: Jerry, Its Martin Von Nostrand, remember?
STEVE: Benes, Vandelay. You can go.
Steve opens the door to the cell and Elaine and George run out, the teenagers run in, Steve shuts the door
STEVE: So what are your real names?
JERRY: Jerry Seinfeld.
MARK: Why did you lie, Jerry? Are you ashamed of who you are?
STEVE: (TO Kramer) And you?
KRAMER: H.E. Pennypacker.
KRAMER: Perhaps you’ve heard of me, I’m a wealthy industrialist.
STEVE: Wealthy Industrialist?
KRAMER: Oh yes, I could by this mall with the allowance I give my children.
NEW SCENE- Outside the Mall Jail
GEORGE: We got out!
ELAINE: We got out!
GEORGE: Now lets go!
ELAINE: Well, Kramer and Jerry are still in there and more importantly, Kramer lost the keys.
GEORGE: Oh yeah. So now what?
ELAINE: I don’t know.
They sit down on a mall bench, Jerry and Kramer enter from the Mall Jail
ELAINE: Jerry! Kramer!
GEORGE: How’d you get out?
KRAMER: I told ‘em I was H.E. Pennypacker, the wealthy industrialist!
JERRY: And they believed him!
ELAINE: Wait, how are we gonna get home?
JERRY: I don’t know.
They sit down on the bench, Kramer puts his hands in his pockets, and pulls out the keys
KRAMER: Hey I found the keys!
GEORGE: You found the keys!
They walk off screen, leaving a notepad on the bench that reads “Level 2, Spot 211”
NEW SCENE- The Comedy Club, Jerry is on stage
JERRY: Have you ever noticed-
JERRY’S THOGUHTS: Maybe I do use “have you ever noticed” to much. Could Kal Varnson have been right? Its possible isn’t it? Maybe I should try something else.
JERRY: So the other day I’m at the mall-