"The Little Jerry Junior"

written by Israel Cilio

 

 

 

 

INT. MONK'S DINER - MORNING

 

Jerry and a pretty dark-haired girl, Adrian,
are talking at a booth. They just met.
She is laughing.

 

JERRY

And so the whole time he doesn't know that his zipper is completely open and I'm just trying to make some sort of signal. Some sort of discreet gesture. I did the whole quick eye contact and the quick glance down. Nothing. He was so embarrassed afterward. Now every time he meets a woman he always checks. One hand is shaking and the other is checking.

 

ADRIAN

(laughing)

And this is your friend George?

 

The waitress comes by and slips two checks.

 

JERRY
Yeah and the worst part is that I think there may have been something more.

 

ADRIAN

Oh Jerry, you are hilarious!

 

JERRY

Well Adrian.

(beat)

I try.

ADRIAN

Well it was nice meeting you Jerry but I've gotta run. Here's my phone number. Call me and maybe we can get together again sometime.

 

JERRY

Yeah defintely.

 

Kramer comes up to the window and waves at Jerry. As Jerry looks at Kramer, she picks up both checks. Jerry turns around and looks for his check. He finally spots her paying at the cashier. Jerry has a look like "What?" She leaves before he can say anything. Kramer enters and spots Jerry.

 

 

JERRY

So get this, I meet this girl Adrian a few minutes ago. Great conversation. I'm telling the story about George and his open zipper.

 

KRAMER
Right, right. One shakes and one checks.

 

 

 

JERRY
Exactly. And she tells me she has to go, she leaves me her phone number and when I'm not looking she picks up my check.

 

                        KRAMER

            I never pay for my meals when I'm with a girl.

 

            JERRY
That's easy to do when your only currency is subway tokens. Do you know how emasculating that is, to be paid for?

 

                        KRAMER

            Hey speaking of money, I've been looking for you.

 

                        JERRY
            Yeah? What's up?

 

                        KRAMER

            I need $1000.

 

                        JERRY

            What! I'm not giving you $1000.

 

                        KRAMER

            Ah, come on Jerry! You know I'm good for it!

 

                        JERRY
                        (Mockingly)

            AlrightÉlemme hear it. What's your new plan?

 

Kramer pulls up close to Jerry as if to tell him a secret.

 

 

                        JERRY

            Alright, not too close, cougar breath.

 

                        KRAMER

            Jerry, what I'm about to tell you cannot leave this table, do you understand? There's a lot of people that would have    me killed to know what I'm about to tell you.

 

                        JERRY

            And you trust me?

 

                        KRAMER

            Of course.

 

Jerry touches his knife maliciously.

 

                        KRAMER

            Now I mean it Jerry!

 

                        JERRY

            Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

                        KRAMER
                        (giddy)

            It's Little Jerry! He's back Jerry! He's back!

 

                        JERRY

            What! Our Little Jerry? I thought he ran off after the     cockfight!

 

                        KRAMER

            Yeah I know but it seems that Little Jerry had a romantic  jaunt with one of the neighborhood hens. You know how they     are, always strutting their stuff and calling out.

 

Kramer gets up and demonstrates.

 

                        KRAMER

            Word on the street is he has the bob and weave of his old  man but the finesse and panache of his adulterous mother!  But remember you can't tell anyone. I'm planning the                    comeback of the century.

 

                        JERRY

            Can it be? Little Jerry Seinfeld......Junior?

 

                        KRAMER

            Giddy up!

 

INT. CAB - DAY

 

George and Elaine are sharing a cab.

 

                        GEORGE

            It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life.   Her friend was there and I couldn't help but guess why she    was smiling so much.

 

                        ELAINE

            So what? Your fly was down. Big deal. It happens.

 

                        GEORGE

            Elaine, how can you even say that? Do you know how         emasculating that is? An open fly in the presence of a      beautiful woman is like É

                        (beat)
            I don't know but it's bad! And no, it doesn't just happen.
            No. Not like this it doesn't.

 

                        ELAINE

            What do you mean?

 

                        GEORGE

            I think there was a little more.

 

                        ELAINE

            A little more?

 

                        GEORGE

            Yeah, you know. Like in your Christmas card expect
            with me and my— you know what— showing.

 

                        ELAINE

            George, that's disgusting.

 

                        GEORGE

            You're telling me! It'll never happen to me again. I swore to always check from now on. I do the Extend-And-Check.
            One hand is shaking and one hand checking.

 

George begins eating.

 

                        ELAINE

            What are you eating?

 

                        GEORGE

            A tamale. They're delicious.

 

                        ELAINE

            Right.

 

INT. MONK'S DINER- LATER

 

                        JERRY

            But what do you need $1000 for?

 

                        KRAMER

Well come on Jerry. There's expenses for his training. There's all the hours of work I'll be losing just to teach him the basics. Newman knows a guy in Little Italy who's gonna have Little Junior up to ship shape for the match next weekend.

(beat)

            Plus, he's gotta bring bread back home for his daddy.

 

                              JERRY
            You want to bet on Little Junior?!

 

                              KRAMER

            Well yeah, we got a fighter Jerry! You know that. If he's  got half the spark of Little Jerry we'll be making –

 

                              JERRY

            Kramer & a little respect. Please?

 

They hold a moment of silence.

 

                              JERRY

            I won't have this kind of talk. He's not fighting. I lost  him once. . . I won't lose him again.

 

                              KRAMER

            But the Litte Jerry Seinfeld legend has to live on!! Are   you just gonna let the Jerry Seinfeld name end up in the  dirt! When people say the name Jerry Seinfeld are they just             gonna think of defeat and cheap thrills?! Or are they gonna             think of victory, of triumph, of chutzpah! Come on, for Little Jerry.

 

(beat)

 

                              JERRY

            Alright! For Little Jerry.

                              KRAMER

            Alright I have to go. You're coming with me to pick him up this afternoon right?

 

                              JERRY

            Yeah sure.

 

INT. CAB- LATER

 

George and Elaine are in the cab.

 

                              ELAINE

            So how are things working out with you and that girl I set you up with from work, Anna. She's great isn't she?

 

                              GEROGE

            Oh yeah, yeah. She's good.

                              ELAINE

            Just good?

 

                              GEORGE

            Yeah. Good.

                              ELAINE

            She's not great? She's not even alright?

 

                              GEROGE

            Ok, she's alright.

 

                              ELAINE

            Just alright?

 

                              GEORGE

It's just that everywhere we go she's always ordering the most expensive item. It's like she thinks there's some sort of contract where she can get anything she wants as long as this thing (re: himself) stands next to her.

 

The cab pulls over in front of Jerry's apartment and they get out.

                             

                              ELAINE

So I'll see you a Jerry's later.

                              GEORGE
            Yeah.

 

Elaine reaches over and pays the cabby both shares. George looks over and notices what she's doing. He has a face like "Okay".

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT- AFTERNOON

 

Jerry and George are talking.

 

                        GEORGE

So you looked away for a split second and she swipes the check and pays for both your meals behind your back?

 

JERRY

Yeah, can you believe that? I feel like a woman.

 

GEORGE

It's a crazy world, we're living in JerryÉ Crazy, crazy world, where the women pick up the check.

(beat)

And you said both of your meals?

 

JERRY

Yeah.

 

(beat)

      GEORGE

            That's gotta be, what? 14, 15 dollars?

 

                        JERRY

            Yeah I guess.

 

                        (beat)

 

                        GEORGE
            Plus the tip? Did she tip too?

 

                        JERRY
            I don't know, I was too numbed by the experience.

 

 

                        (beat)

 

                        GEORGE

            You know- if things don't work out, maybe you could get me her number.

 

 

            JERRY
Alright Cheapjack Costanza, we're not talking about this anymore. I find the whole thing a bit embarrassing.

 

Kramer enters.

 

                        KRAMER

            Hey, are you ready to pick up Little Jerry Junior?

 

                        JERRY

            Yeah, lemme just grab my coat.

                        GEORGE

            Little Jerry Junior?

                        JERRY
                        (putting on jacket)
            Oh yeah, remember Kramer's rooster?

                        GEORGE
            Oh right. The cockfighter.

 

                        JERRY

            Well apparently, there's a Little Jerry Junior squawking   around somewhere. Wanna come?

 

                        GEORGE

            Nah, I gotta go meet Anna for dinner later.

 

They all make their way to the door.

 

                        JERRY
            Alright, but come by later.

 

INT. RESTAURANT- LATER

 

George is on a date with Anna.

 

                        GEORGE

I think if I were angry enough I could take a dog in a fight. I mean, really. What can they do? They bite, they scratch maybe. A one, two and they're done.

 

(beat)

 

Of course, it depends on what kind of dog wanted to fight me. I could do a Schnauzer. You think I could do a Schnauzer? I could do a Schnauzer. I'd even go as far as a Boston Terrier.

 

(beat).

 

I might be stretching it with a Collie but again. . .one, two.

 

                              ANNA

Ok George, can we change the subject?

 

 

                              GEORGE

            Oh, I'm sorry.

 

                              ANNA

            It's just that I have a friend with a seeing-eye dog.
            I'm very much for animal rights.
            They have feelings to, you know.

 

                              GEORGE

            I'm sure they do.

 

INT. APARTMENT COMPLEX- DAY

 

Jerry and Kramer are at the apartment to pick up Little Jerry Junior.

They knock.

                  KRAMER
This guy's a tough cookie. You know, he owns a gym over in Brooklyn. He used be a boxer Jerry. I know how to handle these guys so let me do all the talking.

 

                              JERRY

            You are the master talker.

 

Kramer knocks.
A medium sized Hispanic man answers the door.

 

                              KRAMER

            Estamos aqui para el hijo de el gallo Pecenio Jerry.

 

                              CARLOS

What?

 

                              KRAMER
                              (startled)
            Yeah, watch out boy!

 

                              JERRY

            I'm sorry. We're here for the rooster.

 

                              CARLOS
            Come in.

 

He goes back inside.

 

                              JERRY

            What was that you meathead!?

 

 

INT. RESTAURANT- LATER

 

George's date.

 

                              GEORGE

Hot dogs. See, everyone knows that they aren't really cooked dogs. So my question is this, why are they called hot dogs? See my point? But the real question would be this: were they ever, at any point in time, actually deep-fried canines?

 

 

 

                              ANNA

            Oh my god, George! Please?

 

He feels stupid now and returns to picking at his food.
He signals for the check and suddenly his face brightens.
He has an idea.

 

                              GEORGE

            So how long have you known Elaine?

 

ANNA

We've been working together for about a year now. She's     great.

 

                              GEORGE

            She is, isn't she? Just an amazing woman.

 

                              (beat)

 

            You know, I actually saw her today. We were sharing a cab  and the funniest thing happened. She actually paid for my share of the fare.

 

                              ANNA

            Oh yeah?

 

The waiter comes and slips the check near George's plate.

 

                              GEORGE
                              (Eyeing the check)

                              Yes. She did.

 

George tries other gestures to get her to pick up the check.

She doesn't pick up on them and continues eating. Finally, George gives up and angrily pays for the meal.

 

 

 

INT. APARTMENT- LATER

 

Jerry and Kramer are waiting for the rooster to be delivered.

 

KRAMER
Nice apartment, huh?

 

Jerry shrugs

 

                              JERRY

            Eh, nothing special.

 

                              KRAMER
            Well, it's just rich in culture Jerry!!

 

                              JERRY

            I guess.

 

                              KRAMER

            I mean, look at this flag. This is the Ecuadorian flag.

 

                              JERRY

            So?

 

At this point, Carlos is returning with Little Jerry Junior.
He stops and listens.

 

                              KRAMER
            Well this guy loves his country and he's proud of it.

 

                        JERRY

            Big deal.

 

                        KRAMER

            Are you saying you don't like the Ecuadorian flag?

 

                        JERRY
            Yeah that's right.

 

                        KRAMER

            What? Why not?

 

            JERRY
I mean come on. The national bird is just Condor. He's sitting on a coat of arms. What's so great about that? It's just big. It's nothing like the Bald Eagle. Now there's a national bird.

 

                        KRAMER
            I cannot believe you Jerry!

 

                        CARLOS
            Ah-ha!! I catch you blaspheming the name of my country!!

 

                        JERRY
            No, no, no! It's not what you think!

 

            CARLOS
You think your country is so much better than ECUADOR!!! Your country with no national health care! Your country with no stable economic plan!! Your president is a fool!!

 

He spits.

 

                        JERRY
            But your president was just thrown out from office!

 

                        (beat)

 

                        CARLOS
                  You have a point.

 

                        (beat)

 

                  Still! Still! You have offended the Condor!

                        JERRY

                  Yeah but I mean come on! It's just a big bird!

 

                        CARLOS
                  And it represents power and prosperity!

                  I challenge you! Bird for bird!

 

                        JERRY
                  What?

 

                        CARLOS
                  Yes, bird for bird!

 

Jerry has no idea what is going on.

 

                        CARLOS

                        (sternly)

            Little Jerry. . .was a chicken!

 

                        JERRY

                        (beat)
            What did you just say?

                        CARLOS

            You offend the Condor, I offend your little birdie!
            We fight for the honor of the bird! In my gym, we    settle the matter!

 

                        JERRY

            Alright, Carlos the Rooster Man! I accept your       challenge!

 

                        KRAMER

            It's over.

 

                        CARLOS
            Winner takes Little Jerry Junior!!

 

                        JERRY

            Fine! I'll see you in the ring!

 

                        CARLOS
            No, I will see you in the ring!

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT – THAT NIGHT

 

Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer are talking.

 

                        ELAINE
            So now you have to fight for Little Jerry Junior?

 

                        JERRY

            Yeah and I hear this guy's 68-0!

 

                        ELAINE
            Well, if you ask me the whole things' just a male    idiosyncrasy.

 

                        JERRY
            Speaking of idiosyncrasies, I met this girl at the   coffee shop this morning. I look away from one second          and she pays for my meal. I felt so violated.

 

                        ELAINE

Oh, come on Jerry. I'm sure she was just being polite. Like today, me and George were sharing a taxi and I paid for both of us. He didn't seem to have a problem with it.

 

                        JERRY
            Do you even know who George Costanza is?

            Do women know how much of an infringement that is on masculine boundaries?

 

                        ELAINE

            I pay for guys sometimes.

                        JERRY
            Why? Why would you ever do a thing like that?

                        ELAINE
            Well, for spite really. I mean, guys think that when they buy the meal, sex is a complimentary dish. And      then they come back for seconds.

 

                        JERRY

            I'll tell you something, it's like sex with Adrian is             obligated now. I can't say no because she paid for the            meal.

                        ELAINE

            What are you talking about?

 

                        JERRY
            I mean, she bought the meal and I don't want to make her feel bad. So I feel bad saying no.

                        KRAMER
                        (holding Jerry)

            I know what you mean. They only have one thing on    their mind.

 

Jerry nods his head in agreement.

 

                        ELAINE
            Get over it you Nancy's.

 

                        KRAMER
                        (awkwardly)

            I gotta go.

 

(beat)

            Hey, we gotta get to training you soon.

 

                        JERRY
            Oh right.

 

Kramer exits.

Jerry goes to the bathroom.

 

                        ELAINE

            Pssh. . .

 

The intercom buzzes.

Elaine answers it.

                 

                        ELAINE

            Yeah?

 

                        CHINESE GUY
            Chinese food.

 

                        ELAINE

            Come on up.

 

She buzzes him up. She walks over to the coffee table and picks up a magazine.

 

                        ELAINE

            Vogue?

 

Knock at the door. She answers.

 

                        CHINESE GUY
            That's $6.41

 

                        ELAINE
                        (looking through her purse)

            Here's a ten, two one-dollar pieces and a penny.
            I can't break this five cuz I'm planning on buying a package of Twizzlers later and I hate carrying change          around in my purse.
            You know? Ah!

 

The Chinese guys is confused.

 

                        ELAINE
            So just give me $5 we'll call it even.

 

                        CHINESE GUY
            Ébut that doesn't make sense.

 

                        ELAINE
                        (annoyed)
            New?

 

                        CHINESE GUY
            No, I work here 3 years.

 

                        ELAINE

            Whatever. Just give me 5 bucks.

 

He has bills in his hands and she yanks a five
from his hand and slams the door in his face.

Jerry comes out of the bathroom.

 

                        ELAINE
            Can you believe this guy? Your Chinese food came and the Chinese guy is giving me this attitude when I was paying him over simple-

 

                        JERRY
            Wait, wait, wait. You just paid for my meal?

                        ELAINE
            Yeah, so?

 

                        JERRY
            Elaine! We just talked about this!

 

                        ELAINE
            Jerry, calm down. You can just pay me back.
            It's no big deal.

 

                        JERRY
            Fine! But it doesn't leave this room.

 

He pulls out his wallet.
The phone rings.

 

 

                        JERRY

                        (mocking)

            "just pay me back"

He hands her the wallet.
He answers.

 

                        JERRY
            Hello?... Oh hey, Adrian... yeah, I'd love dinner.

While this is happening, Elaine gives him
a look like "May I?" and he motions for her
to help herself.

                       

                        JERRY
            Pick me up at 8:00?...ok, I'll see you then. Bye!

 

He hangs up and kinda caresses the phone.

Elaine gives him a look.

 

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT – NIGHT

 

George and Anna are having dinner.

 

                        GEORGE

            Boy, I've had fun hanging out with you all day.
            Shopping, eating. . .paying. It's great!

 

George pulls his hand out of his jacket to signal
the waitress that they need menus.
While he does this, small papers go flying.

 

                        ANNA

            Oh look George, you dropped some things.

 

                        GEORGE

            Oh did I? Oh well you look at?

 

Picking them up.

 

                        GEORGE
            The receipts of everything we've done today!

 

They laugh and when she looks away,
George grimaces in pain.

 

                        ANNA
            I enjoyed our walk in the park today.

 

                        GEORGE
            Yeah so did I. That $1.75 hot dog was just great, huh?

 

                        ANNA
            Yeah. . . it was.

 

                        GEORGE

            How about those $3.00 giant pretzels we found, huh?  Delicious!

 

                        ANNA
            George? What are you doing?

                        GEORGE
            What? Me? Nothing, nothing. Just keeping the books.

            You know me. Good book-keeper.

 

INT. RESTAURANT – NEXT DAY

 

Jerry and Adrian are having dinner as well.

 

                        JERRY

            I mean really, what is this Condor? It's just a big  bird. And on the flag, he's just sitting there with     some olives in it's beak.

 

                        ADRIAN
            And now he wants to box you for the Little Jerry     Junior?

 

                        JERRY

            Yeah and I hear he's 68-0!

 

                        ADRIAN

            You know Jerry; I find this all very sexy.

 

                        JERRY

            Really?

 

                        (beat)

            One could also say. . . manly?

 

                       

                        ADRIAN
            Yeah. A bit.

 

The check again comes to the table.

This time Jerry's ready. He grabs the checks.

 

                        JERRY
                        (re: check)

                        Allow me.

 

 

Jerry reaches into his back pocket and realizes he
doesn't have his wallet.

 

                        JERRY
            Ah! I forgot my wallet. Elaine never gave it back to me after getting money for the Chinese food!

 

                        ADRIAN
            It's okay Jerry. I got it this time.

 

Jerry could kick himself.

 

                        JERRY
                        (to himself)
            Elaine!

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT – NIGHT

 

George and Anna's date.

 

                        ANNA
            George, this food was great!

 

                        GEROGE
            Yeah? how was the duck?

 

                        ANNA
            Spectacular!

                        GEORGE
            Good, good. I'm glad to hear.

 

                        (beat)

            That was the most expensive item on the menu wasn't  it?

                        ANNA
            Yeah? So?

                        GEORGE
            Oh nothing. I was just noticing.

 

Again he grimaces.

 

                        GEORGE
            I'll be back.

 

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT BATHROOM – THAT MOMENT

 

George is pacing around in the bathroom.

 

            GEORGE (VO)
This woman is a murderer! She's gonna send me home broke!
And we probably won't even have sex either! Ah! This always happens to me! I spend a fortune and no sex! We better have sex! I mean I've already spent. . .

 

He pulls the receipts out of his pocket quickly
and does some quick math. Suddenly, someone walks in to
use the urinal. George pretends like he's going to use a
urinal too. He unzips and stands there quietly. The other guy
finishes and walks out.

 

                        GEORGE (VO)
            Gross!

 

                        (beat)

 

He continues adding up the receipts.

 

   &n