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The Laryngitis

***********The Laryngitis*******************

 

A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz

 

2003

 

STAND UP

 

The jacuzzi is a funny invention.

 

It's not like the wheel or the internal combustion engine.

 

An invention that changed the world. Air through a bathtub.

 

Not of world shattering importance.

 

I'm not sure how it started. Was there a Mr Jacuzzi? Someplace in Italy.

 

He's taking a bath. Mebbe Mrs Jacuzzi fed him too many beans for dinner.

 

He's feeling bloated. Suddenly there are bubbles in the water.

 

He thinks 'this feels pretty good. Mebbe I can make money out of this.'

 

So he goes to the bathtub makers. They're like - 'what are you, crazy? Get outta here.'

 

But he perseveres. That's what you gotta admire. He perseveres.

 

Because plenty of people say they're gonna invent something.

 

But it's all a lot of hot air. In his case it really was a lot of hot air.

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

 

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.

 

JERRY

 

I hear you're dating a hotshot Wall Street broker these days.

 

Step up from your usual stumble bums.

 

ELAINE

 

Yeah. Y'know. Whatever.

 

GEORGE

 

You don't sound so keen.

 

ELAINE

 

Ben's great, I guess. Good looker, great job prospects, money. But...

 

JERRY

 

But what? Trouble in the bedroom?

 

ELAINE

 

I don't know I want to discuss it.

 

GEORGE

 

C'mon, Elaine. You're among friends.

 

ELAINE

 

(SIGHS) Do we have to share every tiny little detail of our lives?

 

JERRY

 

If it's juicy, sure. C'mon, Benes, spill the beans!

 

ELAINE

 

He talks during...y'know. Juicy enough for ya?

 

JERRY

 

As I recall you enjoyed a little bedtime dirty talk.

 

ELAINE

 

This isn't dirty talk. It's endless chatter about his day,

 

the Dow Jones, the Nasdaq, blah blah blah, federal taxes, treasury coupons.

 

It completely destroys my natural rhythm. I can't find my groove.

 

It's very unsatisfying.

 

GEORGE

 

I had the exact opposite problem. This woman used to talk about nothing but food.

 

Meals she'd eaten, meals she was gonna eat. The ingredients.I had to break it off.

 

JERRY

 

Food and sex? Your two favourite pastimes.

 

GEORGE

 

It was too intense. Sensory overload. I feared I was only

 

a clam chowder recipe away from a heart attack.

 

JERRY

 

In bed we should restrict ourselves to compliments and encouragement.

 

GEORGE

 

And Hollywood gossip.

 

ELAINE

 

Ooooh, I'd kill for Ben to mention George Clooney.

 

GEORGE

 

Loretta Swit every time.

 

JERRY

 

M*A*S*H. Hot Lips Houlihan.

 

GEORGE

 

I always felt Hawkeye and Trapper John never appreciated her the way I did.

 

JERRY

 

You know who Klinger always reminded me of? Kramer.

 

ELAINE

 

There is a certain shared doofus quality.

 

GEORGE

 

Except Kramer doesn't dress up in women's clothes.

 

ELAINE

 

That we know of.

 

DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.

 

JERRY

 

Speak of the devil.

 

KRAMER DOESN'T SPEAK. HE MIMES. GESTURING AT HIS THROAT.

 

JERRY

 

What's up? Cat got your tongue?

 

KRAMER MIMES

 

ELAINE

 

I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it, Lassie? What is it, boy?

 

KRAMER MIMES FRANTICALLY

 

GEORGE

 

I think he trying to tell us he's lost his voice.

 

KRAMER POINTS AT GEORGE. BINGO!

 

GEORGE

 

You got laryngitis, Kramer?

 

KRAMER SMACKS HIS HEAD. D'UH!

 

JERRY

 

I hope it's not contagious. I've got a show to do.

 

ELAINE

 

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Contagious? Ben!

 

If Ben caught laryngitus he'd shut the hell up.

 

Kramer, can you meet me at the coffee shop later?

 

I'll bring Ben. Mebbe he'll catch it from you.

 

KRAMER GIVES ELAINE AN AFFIRMATIVE THUMBS UP.

 

JERRY

 

An ingenious plan.

 

ELAINE

 

It's come to this. My sex life is dependent on Kramer's germs.

 

INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE.

 

GEORGE HAS HIS FEET UP ON HIS DESK AND IS LEANING BACK

 

IN HIS CHAIR IDLY LEAFING THROUGH A COPY OF GLAMOUR MAGAZINE.

 

INTERCOM

 

Costanza! I want you in my office. This minute!

 

GEORGE TUMBLES BACKWARDS OFF HIS CHAIR. HE SCRAMBLES UP.

 

GEORGE

 

Yessir! Mr Lieberman!

 

INT. MR LIEBERMAN'S OFFICE.

 

LIEBERMAN IS A THICKSET MAN WITH SILVER HAIR.

 

HE HAS A THOUSAND DOLLAR SUIT AND IS TWIRLING AN UNLIT

 

HAVANA CIGAR BETWEEN HIS FINGERS. THIS IS A MAN USED TO PEOPLE

 

JUMPING WHEN HE SAYS JUMP.

 

LIEBERMAN

 

Take a seat, Costanza. I don't have much time.

 

My Lear jet is fueled and ready at LaGuardia.

 

GEORGE

 

Taking a trip, sir?

 

LIEBERMAN

 

(SARCASTIC) No, Costanza. I plan to take it to the end of the runaway

 

and back to see how it handles. Of course I'm taking a trip, man!

 

GEORGE

 

Sorry, sir.

 

LIEBERMAN

 

I'm flying to Switzerland to have my blood changed.

 

GEORGE

 

Your blood changed? They can do that?

 

LIEBERMAN

 

These Swiss doctors can. They drain my blood, filter it for impurities,

 

and pour it back in. Makes me feel 20 years younger.

 

GEORGE

 

Kinda like oil changing a Buick.

 

LIEBERMAN

 

Now, what do you know about Bonsai?

 

GEORGE

 

The character from 'Happy Days'?

 

LIEBERMAN

 

Not Fonzie, you imbecile! Bonsai.

 

It's the ancient Japanese art of growing miniaturized trees.

 

I have a Bonsai tree in my penthouse apartment that's 250 years old.

 

Yet is no more than 18 inches tall.

 

I want you to look after it while I'm away. Understand?

 

GEORGE

 

No problem, sir.

 

LIEBERMAN

 

It needs a sun lamp for 8 hours aday. No longer or it scorches.

 

Water twice daily. Mist every 40 minutes.

 

Do this right, Costanza, and you're going places.

 

Screw up, and the only place you'll be going is skid row.

 

GEORGE

 

Yessir, Mr Lieberman, sir!

 

INT. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.

 

KRAMER SEATED AT A BOOTH.

 

ELAINE AND BEN ENTER.

 

ELAINE

 

(MOCK SURPRISE) Why, Kramer, fancy meeting you here.

 

I had no idea you were going to be here at all. Or you me. May we join you?

 

KRAMER NOD AFFIRMATIVELY.

 

ELAINE

 

Here, Ben. You sit next to Kramer. Nice and friendly.

 

BEN SITS NEXT TO KRAMER

 

ELAINE

 

Closer, Ben. Don't be shy.

 

BEN SHIFTS CLOSER TO KRAMER

 

ELAINE

 

I said closer. Closer!

 

ELAINE SHOVES BEN SO HARD HE ALMOST ENDS UP IN KRAMER'S LAP.

 

INT. MR LIEBERMAN'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT, MANHATTAN.

 

GEORGE IS SHOWING HIS PARENTS AROUND.

 

GEORGE

 

What do you think, Ma? My new apartment.

 

ESTELLE

 

Your apartment? Oh Georgie, you could never afford a place like this.

 

GEORGE

 

Why? Why couldn't your son afford a place like this?

 

FRANK

 

Because you don't work hard enough. You're too lazy.

 

Always lounging around with Seinfeld, Kramer and the girl with the crazy hair.

 

ESTELLE

 

Whose is it really, Georgie? Tell me.

 

GEORGE

 

It's my boss, Mr Lieberman. I'm helping him out while he gets his blood changed in Switzerland.

 

FRANK

 

What's he want Swiss blood for? American blood not good enough for him?

 

It was good enough for Theodore Roosevelt. Good enough for Franklin D. Roosevelt.

 

For all the other Roosevelts. American blood. Best in the world.

 

GEORGE

 

How about this for a tv set? 62 inch plasma screen.

 

Super deluxe cable. Over 600 channels.

 

FRANK

 

Can you get Mannix?

 

GEORGE

 

I don't know if you can get Mannix. What difference does it make?

 

FRANK

 

If you can't get Mannix it's a piece of junk.

 

GEORGE

 

It has over 50 porn channels.

 

ESTELLE

 

Promise me you won't watch any porn, Georgie.

 

I don't want to end up back in the hospital.

 

GEORGE

 

Fine. No porn. Y'know, I took the trouble to bring you up here,

 

show you round, and all you do is complain.

 

FRANK

 

This place got a john?

 

GEORGE

 

Down the hall. Second left.

 

FRANK EXITS

 

GEORGE

 

I'm saying you could be more grateful, is all.

 

FRANK ENTERS

 

FRANK

 

I'm not using that. There are mirrors on the walls.

 

That is one room you do not want to be

 

seeing what it is you're doing.

 

GEORGE

 

Fine. Use the maids closet. Down the hallway. First right.

 

FRANK EXITS

 

GEORGE

 

One day I might buy a place like this for myself.

 

ESTELLE

 

Oh Georgie, never in a million years.

 

FRANK

 

(FROM HALLWAY)

 

Two million years!

 

GEORGE

 

(ANGRY) Mr Lieberman says I'm going places.

 

Your son, George Costanza. He's going all the way to the top, baby!

 

FRANK

 

George, there's no toilet paper in here so I'm using the towels.

 

GEORGE

 

Oh my God!

 

GEORGE RACES FOR THE HALL.

 

EXT. NYC STREET.

 

3 GERMAN TOURISTS - HANS, DIETER AND HELGA STOP KRAMER AND ASK DIRECTIONS.

 

HANS

 

Please, sir. We are from Germany. Visiting New York for the first time.

 

Could you tell where is your Statue of LIberty?

 

KRAMER TRIES TO MIME DIRECTIONS

 

DIETER

 

What is he doing, Hans? Is he ill? Why doesn't he speak?

 

HANS

 

I don't know, Dieter.

 

Perhaps he is one of the crazy street people we read so much about.

 

KRAMER MIMES - NO, NO.

 

HELGA

 

I am frightened, Hans. He looks so wild and untamed.

 

Should we call the police?

 

KRAMER MIMES _ NO! NO!

 

HELGA

 

Police! Police!

 

NYC COP ARRIVES

 

COP

 

What's going on here?

 

HANS

 

We ask the way to Statue of Liberty from this man.

 

He go crazy like a lunatic.

 

KRAMER MIMES - LOST MY VOICE

 

HELGA

 

He's pointing at his mouth. Does he mean oral?

 

COP

 

Oral? So that's your sick game, is it, pal. You're under arrest.

 

COP HANDCUFFS KRAMER AND LEADS HIM AWAY.

 

DIETER

 

Did you get a photograph, Hans? Imagine what they will say home in Bavaria.

 

We saw an actual real life genuine American psycho.

 

INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.

 

BEN ENTERS

 

ELAINE

 

You want to eat here or go out someplace?

 

BEN POINTS AT HIS MOUTH. HE'S LOST HIS VOICE.

 

ELAINE

 

You've lost your voice? Oh my poor Benjy. Y'know what's good for laryngitis?

 

BEN SHRUGS - NO

 

ELAINE

 

Sex. Lots and lots of sex.

 

ELAINE DRAGS BEN INTO THE BEDROOM

 

INT. ELEVATOR.

 

JERRY AND ELAINE TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO LIEBERMAN'S PENTHOUSE.

 

JERRY

 

You look like the cat that got the cream.

 

ELAINE

 

I did. Five times.

 

JERRY

 

That's a lot of cream. Ben caught Kramer's laryngitis?

 

ELAINE

 

He's as silent as the grave, Jerry. I can totally concentrate on my moves.

 

JERRY

 

You realise he'll recover?

 

ELAINE

 

Perhaps I can have his vocal cords surgically removed.

 

ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS. GEORGE GREETS THEM.

 

GEORGE

 

Jerry, come quick. I've found Lieberman's comic collection.

 

And he has Action Comics #1!

 

JERRY

 

This is incredible.

 

ELAINE

 

What? What?

 

JERRY

 

Elaine, Action Comics #1 is the first comic to feature Superman.

 

It's worth like thousands of dollars.

 

ELAINE

 

Oh boy. I came all this way to look at comics.

 

GEORGE

 

Look! Detective Comic #27! In mint condition!

 

JERRY

 

The first Batman. George, this place is a gold mine.

 

ELAINE

 

I can't believe you two. Take a look at the art in this place.

 

There must be millions of bucks on the walls, and all you care about is comics.

 

GEORGE

 

Comics are a form of art.

 

ELAINE

 

Oh sure. Van Gogh must be kicking himself for painting masterpieces

 

when he could have been drawing men in stretchy pants.

 

JERRY

 

Perhaps if he had, Elaine, he wouldn't have sliced his own ear off.

 

ELAINE LOOKS ABOUT. SHE NOTICES THE BONSAI TREE.

 

ELAINE

 

This the Bonsai tree you're meant to be looking after?

 

GEORGE

 

What? Oh yeah. Whatever.

 

ELAINE

 

Cute.

 

GEORGE

 

Don't touch it. If anything happens to it I'm a dead man.

 

ELAINE

 

Even you, George, ought to be able to care for a tree.

 

C'mon, leave the comics and show me around.

 

GEORGE

 

Ok, ok. Check out the balcony. Lieberman has an outside jacuzzi.

 

JERRY

 

Just what you want in a 50 storey building. A bathtub on an exposed ledge.

 

GEORGE

 

What d'you say we take a dip? The three of us?

 

ELAINE

 

If you think I'm sitting naked in a jacuzzi with you, George, you're crazy.

 

GEORGE

 

We don't have to be naked. We keep our underwear on.

 

ELAINE

 

Dream on, frat boy.

 

GEORGE

 

Jerry?

 

JERRY

 

I think you can guess my policy.

 

GEORGE

 

Fine, fine. I'll sit in the jacuzzi by myself. Naked. Hah!

 

ELAINE

 

Ugh! You're welcome.

 

GEORGE

 

It has hot massage jets, y'know. You don't know what you're missing.

 

JERRY

 

Oh we know.

 

INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.

 

BEDROOM. ELAINE AND BEN ARE HOT AND HEAVY.

 

ELAINE

 

Hmmm! Ben, you were wonderful.

 

BEN

 

No, you were wonderful. Hey! I got my voice back. Man, the day I've had.

 

The Dow was down in early trading. Bad news on the Yen.

 

Telecoms went through the floor. Bonds were up. But only by a percentage.

 

Fiscal policy in the emerging tiger economies on the Pacific Rim, well, don't get me started....

 

ELAINE ROLLS OFF BEN AND PULLS THE PILLOW OVER HER HEAD

 

TO TRY AND BLOCK BEN'S INCESSANT CHATTER.

 

INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

 

JERRY IS MIXING CEREAL.

 

THE PHONE RINGS.

 

JERRY

 

Hello?

 

GEORGE

 

Jerry, it's me.

 

JERRY

 

Hi George. Hey, guess what, I had to bail Kramer out of jail.

 

GEORGE

 

Jerry, I'm in the jacuzzi. You have to come over here.

 

JERRY

 

I told you, George. I'm not getting in a jacuzzi with you.

 

GEORGE

 

No, no! Don't hang up. I'm stuck, Jerry.

 

JERRY

 

Stuck?

 

GEORGE

 

The jacuzzi has nozzles. Some squirt hot water others suck water in.

 

I was alone...

 

JERRY

 

You didn't?

 

GEORGE

 

I did, Jerry.

 

JERRY

 

Why? Why would you do that?

 

GEORGE

 

Is that really important? Does why help?

 

I was curious. I took a shot. Who was gonna know?

 

JERRY

 

And now you're stuck?

 

GEORGE

 

Like a snake in a vice.

 

JERRY

 

So what does it feel like?

 

GEORGE

 

Hard to say. It went numb about an hour ago. You've got to help me, Jerry.

 

JERRY

 

Me? I'm not touching your ---

 

GEORGE

 

No, no. All you have to do is switch the water jets off.

 

I can't reach the controls.

 

JERRY

 

How'd you call me?

 

GEORGE

 

Lieberman keeps a phone by the tub.

 

JERRY

 

Ok. Hang in there, George.

 

GEORGE

 

Funny guy. Hurry. Lieberman's due back tonight. He can't find me like this.

 

JERRY

 

I should think not.

 

GEORGE

 

Oh and Jerry? Bring some balm. I'm gonna need it.

 

INT. NIGHT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT.

 

GEORGE AND JERRY.

 

GEORGE IS OUT OF THE JACUZZI. HE HAS A TOWEL WRAPPED ROUND HIS WAIST.

 

GEORGE

 

That lousy rotten piece of junk! There should be warnings.

 

JERRY

 

Danger. Do not insert your ---

 

GEORGE

 

No warnings then. A safety device. I'm severely bruised.

 

Not to say chafed. And you forgot the balm.

 

JERRY

 

(SNIFFS) Can you smell something?

 

GEORGE

 

(SNIFFS) Smells like burning.

 

GEORGE HAS LEFT THE SUN LAMP ON. THE BONSAI TREE HAS CAUGHT FIRE.

 

GEORGE

 

Oh no! Oh no!

 

GEORGE GRABS THE TREE AND RUSHES TO THE JACUZZI, JUMPING IN AND DOUSING THE FLAMES.

 

THE BONSAI TREE IS A SMOULDERING STUMP.

 

GEORGE

 

Omigod! Do you think Lieberman will notice?

 

JERRY

 

Notice? It looks like Hiroshima Ground Zero.

 

SOUND OF A KEY IN A LOCK.

 

THE DOOR OPENS.

 

MR LIEBERMAN STRIDES IN.

 

HE SEES A NAKED GEORGE, DRIPPING WET, HOLDING THE CHARRED RUINS

 

OF HIS 250 YEAR OLD BONSAI TREE.

 

LIEBERMAN

 

!!!!COSTANZA!!!

 

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

 

JERRY AND ELAINE.

 

ELAINE

 

Wow. What happened next?

 

JERRY

 

It got a bit nasty.

 

ELAINE

 

(LAUGHS) I can imagine.

 

JERRY

 

Fortunately George won't face criminal charges.

 

Lieberman's lawyers think it might be potentially embarrassing

 

given what George had been doing.

 

ELAINE

 

(LAUGHS) I'll bet! What is it with men and those things?

 

You just stick them wherever the hell you like or what?.

 

JERRY

 

They're mysterious little fellows, Elaine.

 

I sometimes think they're the masters and us only their slaves.

 

Doomed to do their bidding the rest of our days.

 

DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS. THEN GEORGE

 

.

 

ELAINE

 

Well well. If it isn't the jacuzzi love stud himself.

 

GEORGE

 

You blabbed? I thought this was going in the vault.

 

JERRY

 

It's too juicy for the vault.

 

KRAMER

 

Elaine told me. I told Newman. I think Newman's told your parents.

 

GEORGE

 

My parents? Oh my God!

 

JERRY

 

You got your voice back?

 

KRAMER

 

Giddyup, buddy. The laryngitis wore off.

 

ELAINE

 

Tell me about it.

 

JERRY

 

Ben all better too?

 

ELAINE

 

Lemme put it this way.

 

If you wanna know about the economic outlook in the South American stock market,

 

I'm your girl.

 

KRAMER

 

You know what you need? Earplugs.

 

My friend Bob Saccamano used to work construction.

 

The big power hammers. Boom! Boom! Boom! All day long.

 

He's got abnormally sensitive eardrums. Bought some industrial strength earplugs.

 

He's in a silent world of his own.

 

ELAINE

 

Earplugs? That might just work. Gee, thanks, Kramer.

 

KRAMER

 

Your pleasure is my pleasure.

 

PHONE RINGS

 

JERRY

 

Hello? Oh hi, Mrs Costanza. Yes, George is here.

 

HANDS PHONE TO GEORGE

 

GEORGE

 

Ma? Yes, I lost my job. I know a jacuzzi isn't an amusement park.

 

No, I'm not seeing a psychiatrist again. Because I'm not.

 

It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone.

 

ELAINE

 

Yeah. Right.

 

GEORGE

 

I don't care, ma. I'm not seeing a psychiatrist. I'm hanging up now.

 

(HANGS UP)

 

JERRY

 

Gave you a hard time, huh?

 

GEORGE

 

How come she can't catch laryngitis? Permanently.

 

INT. HOUSE. BAVARIA, GERMANY.

 

HANS, DIETER AND HELGA ARE SHOWING HOLIDAY SLIDES TO FRIENDS AND RELATIVES. INCLUDING GRETCHEN, A SMALL BLONDE CHILD.

 

A SLIDE OF KRAMER FLASHES UP.

 

GRETCHEN

 

Oh mama! I am frightened. Is he the bogeyman?

 

HELGA

 

There there, liebchen. You are safe. But you are right to be afraid.

 

He was a brute of a man. We were lucky to escape with our lives.

 

THE END

 

****

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