The Hooker

A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz

2003

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND KRAMER

KRAMER IS USING JERRY'S JUICER. THE NOISE IS IRRITATING JERRY, READING A NEWSPAPER.

JERRY

Are you going to be much longer?

KRAMER

Nearly there, Jerry. Oh boy, you're going to love this.

JUICER NOISE. KRAMER POURS GREEN JUICE INTO A GLASS.

KRAMER

Here you go, buddy. Taste this.

JERRY TAKES A SIP

JERRY

Kramer, that's disgusting. What the hell's in it?

KRAMER

Broccoli, cabbage, alfafa, wheatgerm and some of Newman's leftover cantaloupes.

JERRY

Here. Take it.

KRAMER DRINKS

KRAMER

Hmm! 100 percent goodness. In a glass. Martha Stewart swears by it.

JERRY

I feel like swearing myself.

BUZZER SOUNDS

JERRY

Who is it?

ELAINE

It's me.

GEORGE

And me.

JERRY

C'mon up.

KRAMER

Try some more.

JERRY

I'm a big boy now. I eat solids.

KRAMER

Not me, Jerry. Un huh. From now on all my meals are gonna be juiced. Tastes better.

And it saves me time.

JERRY

Saves time for you to what? Sleep?

DOOR OPENS. ELAINE AND GEORGE ENTER. ELAINE IS ANNOYED.

ELAINE

I just cannot believe you said that, George.

GEORGE

It was an observation. A throwaway remark. An offhand comment.

ELAINE

It was an insult is what it was.

JERRY

What's going on?

GEORGE

It's no big deal.

ELAINE

No big deal? George mistook me for a hooker.

GEORGE

I did not mistake you for a hooker. There was a woman on the kerb outside.

Short brunette. I thought it was Elaine.

ELAINE

Wearing leather thigh boots and a basque?

What, you think Petermans doesn't pay me enough I gotta turn tricks?

GEORGE

Ok, I made a mistake. Enough already.

ELAINE

You're damn right you made a mistake, mister.

KRAMER

You two talking about Lola?

GEORGE

You know her?

KRAMER

Lola? Sure. This is her patch. She's a good kid.

JERRY

Kramer, she's a hooker.

KRAMER

Doesn't make her a bad person.

ELAINE

It's against the law, Kramer.

KRAMER

Sure it's against the law. But it doesn't make her a criminal.

JERRY

(TO ELAINE) You gonna explain, or shall I?

KRAMER

I'll prove it.

KRAMER OPENS A WINDOW

KRAMER

Hey Lola! C'mon up here a minute, would ya? Yeah. Jerry's apartment.

JERRY

Kramer, what are you doing? I don't want a hooker in my apartment.

KRAMER

What's the matter, Jerry? Think you're too good for her? Too respectable?

JERRY

Frankly, yes.

DOOR OPENS. LOLA ENTERS. A PRETTY BRUNETTE WEARING THIGH BOOTS AND BEASQUE.

SHE'S CHEWING GUM.

LOLA

Hi.

KRAMER

Hey Lola. C'mon in. Meet everybody. This is Jerry, George and Elaine.

GEORGE

So, Lola, how's tricks?

ELAINE

George!

LOLA

You the comedian lives here?

JERRY

No, that's me.

LOLA

Yeah? Go ahead, funny man. Tell me a joke. Make me laugh.

JERRY

Actually I'm more of an observational comedian.

LOLA

Observational, huh? Like, what's the deal with such and such, sorta thing?

JERRY

Yeah.

LOLA

I know the type. Wpouldn't last 2 minutes out on the street.

KRAMER

Now Lola, Jerry's been on Letterman. Show her your scrapbook, buddy.

JERRY

I don't think so.

LOLA

(TO ELAINE) Nice shoes.

ELAINE

Thank you.

LOLA

I was being sarcastic. Two tone brogues? What, you inherit them from your dead grandfather?

ELAINE

Excuse me? What did you just say?

LOLA

You heard. Gotta go. Nice meeting you all. Later, Kramer. (EXITS)

GEORGE

Nice meeting you, Lola.

ELAINE

George!

KRAMER

So what d'you think? Is she a great kid or what?

ELAINE

Kramer, she was very rude and insulting. And these are very fashionable shoes.

JERRY

Wouldn't last 2 minutes on the street! Who does she think she is? Little Miss Street Cred?

GEORGE

I liked her. She didn't insult me at all.

ELAINE

Hey! Where's my purse?

JERRY

What's up?

ELAINE

I left my purse by the door. Now it's gone.

JERRY

You sure you had it with you?

ELAINE

Of course I'm sure. Ha! You don't think....?

KRAMER

Think what?

ELAINE

That hooker stole my purse!

KRAMER

Now, now Elaine.

ELAINE

Don't now now me, you doofus. Your pal the hooker insults my shoes, which I might add I did not inherit from my dead grandfather, then she steals my purse.

KRAMER

I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. If Lola has your purse I'll get it back for you.

ELAINE

You better. I've got some important documents from Petermans in there.

GEORGE

I think she liked me, did you notice?

ELAINE

Oh boy.

INT. DAY. MONK'S. JERRY AND GEORGE.

GEORGE

My parents have really stuck it to me this time, Jerry.

JERRY

Your parents? What'd they do?

GEORGE

Yesterday they went out and bought burial plots. Adjacent burial plots. Not 1. Not 2. 3.3, Jerry.

JERRY

You mean..?

GEORGE

That's right, my friend. I, George Costanza, get to spend eternity next to my parents. Not a weekend every few months. Eternity. the whole enchilada.

JERRY

That's bad.

GEORGE

It's not enough they ruin my life, they've got to blight my afterlife as well?

JERRY

Aren't you overlooking something? They're not gonna outlive you. When they die, sell the extra plot. Bury yourself someplace else. Somewhere far, far away.

GEORGE

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Jerry. I always fancied somewhere close to the ocean. A nice plot with a sea view. Good climate. Sea breeze.

JERRY

You're gonna be dead, George. Not on vacation.

GEORGE

Hang on. Suppose I drop down dead tomorrow from a heart attack? Or get hit by a meteorite?

JERRY

What are the odds?

GEORGE

Jerry, promise me if anything happens you won't let my parents bury me.

JERRY

Me? What am I supposed to do?

GEORGE

You could kidnap my body from the morgue.

JERRY

And what? Hide your putryfying corpse in my apartment? You're out of your mind.

ELAINE ARRIVES.

ELAINE

Hey.

GEORGE

Elaine, if it's not too personal, mind if I ask where you're planning on being buried?

ELAINE

Buried? I'm not being buried. The worms? The cold, dank soil? No way, Jose. Cremation. That's the way to go. I'm gonna have my ashes scattered in Jamaica. Montego Bay. I went there once. Beautiful, beautiful place. That's Laney's last resting place, boys.

Paradise, Caribbean style.

GEORGE

Montego Bay? That sounds pretty good. Perhaps I'll do that.

ELAINE

No. No. It's my idea. You can't steal my idea.

GEORGE

What's the difference? It's a big ocean. There's room for us both.

ELAINE

George, I don't want your ashes mingling with my ashes.

GEORGE

Oh so what? The Costanza ashes aren't good enough to mix with the Benes ashes?

Oh we're good enough, baby!

ELAINE

But it's my idea! It's not fair.

GEORGE

Yeah well, life ain't fair why should death be any different?

JERRY

Could we stop with all the death talk.

ELAINE

I forgot. Jerry has a death phobia.

JERRY

I do not have a death phobia. I'd just rather not keep talking about it.

GEORGE

I just pray the Grim Reaper takes my parents before he takes me. God knows they deserve it.

KRAMER ENTERS

KRAMER

Hey compadres!

ALL

Kramer.

KRAMER

Elaine, a little something for you, courtesy of Cosmo Kramer.

KRAMER HANDS ELAINE HER STOLEN PURSE.

ELAINE

My purse!

KRAMER

Absolutely. And I think you'll find it's all still in there.

ELAINE RUMMAGES IN PURSE.

ELAINE

You're right. This is amazing. Cash, cards, keys -- even my tampax.

JERRY

I guess there's no black market for tampax, huh?

GEORGE

What kind of hooker steals a purse but takes nothing?

KRAMER

An honest one, George. I told you, Lola's a good kid. She comes from a great family.

JERRY

What, she's just turning tricks to fill time before Swiss finishing school?

ELAINE

Hang on. My documents from work are missing.

GEORGE

What would she want with those?

ELAINE

Beats me. Not like they're valuable.

JERRY

I guess it'll always be one of life's unsolvable mysteries.

INT. DAY PETERMAN'S OFFICE.

J. PETERMAN AND LOLA, THE HOOKER. LOLA IS DRESSED SMARTLY BUT STILL SEXY.

PETERMAN

This is a very impressive resume, Miss ...Benes.

LOLA

Thank you. Lola Benes. Please, call me Lola.

PETERMAN

Lola. Are you any relation to Elaine Benes who works here?

LOLA

She's my sister. My older sister.

PETERMAN

I thought I saw a family resemblance.

LOLA

On behalf of the whole Benes family, we'd like to thank you, Mr Peterman, for looking after Elaine. Especially in view of her... past.

PETERMAN

Elaine has a past? I had no idea. Please, elucidate.

LOLA

Where to begin? The drinking, the men. In and out of mental institutions. We're just thankful she seems to be on an even keel now.

PETERMAN

Good lord!

LOLA

The last clinic helped her alot. It's mainly self-esteem issues. She was an ugly duckling. She especially resented me, the younger dare I say more attractive sister?

PETERMAN

If you don't say it I shall. You're ravishing Lola. I can quite see how your beauty would mess with Elaine's head.

LOLA

Inadvertantly, of course. Sometimes, to cope, she pretends she has no sister. It can be ....quite hurtful at times.

PETERMAN

There there, Lola. You mustn't blame yourself for Elaine's failings. Here at Peterman's I pride myself that the staff are one happy family. When you work for us you will find that out for yourself.

LOLA

You mean I get the job?

PETERMAN

Absolutely.

ELAINE ENTERS

ELAINE

Mr Peterman, I need your signature....you!

LOLA

Hello Elaine. Long time no see.

PETERMAN

Elaine, I want you to show your sister around. Help her get settled in her new job.

ELAINE

Sister? She's not my sister, she's a----

PETERMAN

We'll have none of that nonsense, Elaine. Or I'll have you back in the clinic before you can say rubber walls.

ELAINE

But sir, please!

PETERMAN

No buts, Elaine. Now, Lola, perhaps you're free for lunch?

LOLA

Love to.

ELAINE

But, but, but, but...

PETERMAN

Dismissed, Elaine.

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY AND ERIN, HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.

ERIN

I hope you don't mind, Jerry. I borrowed your toothbrush.

JERRY

You used my toothbrush? That's ok. I was gonna get a new one anyway.

ERIN

Because of me?

JERRY

No, I was planning a ...spring clean.

ERIN

A spring clean of toothbrushes? Come on. I can't believe this.

JERRY

Erin...

ERIN

Don't Erin me, Jerry. Last night when we were making out it was ok for you to stick your tongue in my mouth. But use your precious toothbrush and suddenly I'm Typhoid Mary.

JERRY

You're exaggerating.

ERIN

Yeah? Exaggerate this. Goodbye, Jerry. Have a nice anti-septic life.

JERRY

Erin!

ERIN LEAVES, PASSING ELAINE ENTERING.

ELAINE

Oh Hi, uh, Erin.

ERIN

Elaine.

ELAINE ENTERS JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY DROPS THE USED TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TRASH.

ELAINE

Ah, Erin used your toothbrush. Bi-ii-ig mistake.

Y'know, Jerome, there's a whole bunch of clinical psychologists out there just itching to write a thesis on you. It'd win the Nobel Prize for medicine.

JERRY

Uh huh.

ELAINE

Anyway, enough of your petty psychosis. Wait till you hear what happened to me.

Remember that hooker stole my purse?

JERRY

Yeah.

ELAINE

She's working at Peterman's. We're sharing an office.

JERRY

Lola the hooker?

ELAINE

Yup. She used those work documents from my purse to convince Peterman she's experienced in publishing. And get this. She's pretending to be my sister.

JERRY

Your sister? Didn't you put Peterman straight?

ELAINE

Hah! She's got him wrapped round her little finger. Plus she's told everyone I'm some sort of loony tune. People look at me like I just escaped a strait jacket.

JERRY

I'm sure you're mistaken.

ELAINE

Am I? She's turning tricks in my office, Jerry. I'm convinced of it. I stepped out to get a coffee, she's going at it hot and heavy with the copying machine guy.

DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.

KRAMER

Hey.

ELAINE

Well well well. If it isn't Cosmo Kramer, the hooker's friend. Thanks to you your pal Lola's working at my office. She tells people I'm her nutso sister. What d'you think about that, huh?

KRAMER

Lola's got a job? There. Didn't I tell you she's a good kid.She's off the street.

Trying to get ahead in life.

ELAINE

Kramer, she's...Ah, what's the use!

KRAMER

I need the juicer. I got mangos, papayas, cassovar fruit, Jerry. Man, this is one heap of goodness just waiting to be juiced.

JERRY

What are you going to do about Lola?

ELAINE

Wait her out I guess. We've got catalogue presentation tomorrow. No way she'll get away with that. Even Peterman'll see she's a fraud.

SOUND OF JUICER. ELAINE EXITS.

INT. DAY. CHEMIST SHOP.

JERRY IS SHOPPING FOR A TOOTHBRUSH.

HE BUMPS INTO ERIN.

ERIN

Why don't you watch where you're --- oh, Jerry.

JERRY

Oh hi, Erin.

ERIN

Listen, Jerry, about the other day. I think I may have over reacted. I'm sorry. (NOTICES TOOTHBRUSH) What's that?

JERRY

This? Oh it's nothing. You were saying?

ERIN

Is that a toothbrush? You're replacing the toothbrush I used, aren't you?

JERRY

No! It's the funniest thing. I come in for some razor blades and accidentally pick up a toothbrush. It could happen to anyone.

ERIN

Uh huh. Well don't stop there, Jerry. Here, buy some more in case your next girlfriend makes the same mistake I did. And some mouthwash. (ERIN PILES ITEMS ONTO THE COUNTER) Oh, and don't forget floss. And breath spray. Disinfectant. Mints. Am I forgetting something? Oh yes. Goodbye, Jerry.

ERIN FLOUNCES OUT

JERRY

Erin! Wait, I can explain.

CASHIER

Two hundred twenty bucks and 23 cents.

JERRY

What? I only came in for a toothbrush.

CASHIER

Two hundred twenty bucks and 23 cents.

JERRY

You don't understand. I only want a new toothbrush. Not all this other junk.

CASHIER

Sir, you're holding up the line. Two hundred bucks and 23 cents.

JERRY

Alright! Alright!

INT.DAY. PETERMANS.

OFFICE CORRIDOR. STAFF STREAM PAST ELAINE'S OFFICE.

ELAINE

Joyce, what's happening? What's going on?

JOYCE

There was a meeting in Mr Peterman's office.

ELAINE

A meeting? No one told me about any meeting.

JOYCE

Your sister gave a great presentation. She was really up to speed.

ELAINE

She's not my sister. How many times do I have to tell you lunkheads.

JOYCE

Whatever.

ELAINE

Why did no one tell me about the meeting?

JOYCE

I guess you're out of the loop.

ELAINE

What? Out of the loop? No, no. Wait a minute. You don't get it.

I can't be out of the loop. They're de-looping me? I can't be de-looped.

I am the loop. Without me there is no loop. Understand?

JOYCE

Well, Lola's sure in tight with Mr Peterman. Wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't a promotion in the offing.

ELAINE

Promotion? Lola? That hooker? Oh no. This can't be happening.

INT. DAY. MONKS. JERRY AND GEORGE.

GEORGE

You suppose Superman hides porn at the Fortress of Solitude?

JERRY

Porn at the Fortress of Solitude? Great place to hide porn. No chance of Ma and Pa Kent finding it there.

GEORGE

'Clark, my God. What are you reading? I thought you were a good boy.'

See, that's why I could never be Superman.

The Fortress of Solitude would be piled high with the stuff.

ELAINE ENTERS. SITS OPPOSITE GEORGE.

ELAINE

George, I need you to do me a big favour.

GEORGE

Elaine, what are friends for?

ELAINE

I need you to have sex with Lola on my office desk.

GEORGE

Excuse me?

JERRY

That's what friends are for? Wow.

ELAINE

Remember when you had sex with your office cleaner? What happened next?

GEORGE

(SNORTS)I got fired, is what happened next.

ELAINE

Exactly. Lola will get fired.

JERRY

Lola still causing you trouble?

ELAINE

Jerry, she's turned the whole place against me. Know what they're calling me now?

Loony Laney.

JERRY

Loony Laney? That's rough.

GEORGE

I don't know, Elaine. Sex with a hooker?

ELAINE

I'll pay you a 100 bucks.

JERRY

You'll pay the john to have sex with the hooker? Y'know Elaine, I'm not quite sure you understand the whole hooker-client relationship.

GEORGE

It's gonna take more than money.

ELAINE

What? Name it. I'll do anything.

GEORGE

Montego Bay.

ELAINE

Montego Bay? What's that mean?

GEORGE

It means I want exclusive rights to Montego Bay when it comes to our final resting places. Or no deal.

ELAINE

Ugh! Fine. Fine. Montego Bay's all yours. I hope you enjoy it.

GEORGE

Oh I intend to.

INT. DAY. PETERMANS.

ELAINE'S OFFICE. GEORGE AND ELAINE. GEORGE TESTS THE DESK.

ELAINE

What are you doing?

GEORGE

Testing the desk for friction.

ELAINE

Friction?

GEORGE

You see, Elaine, there's good friction and bad friction. Good friction is----

ELAINE

I know what good friction is, George.

GEORGE

Bad friction is when----

ELAINE

Stop. I don't want to know. I'll go get Lola. You take your clothes off.

The sooner this is over the better.

INT. DAY. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. LOLA AND PETERMAN.

LOLA IS MASSAGING MR PETERMAN'S NECK.

LOLA

Your neck's all stiff.

PETERMAN

It's the stress, Lola. They don't pay me the big bucks for nothing.

LOLA

Y'know, if you came to my office I could really work on these muscles. All your muscles.

CUT TO

OFFICE CORRIDOR

ELAINE

Joyce, have you seen Lola?

JOYCE

Your sister's in Mr Peterman's office.

ELAINE

She's not my sister!

JOYCE

Whatever you say, Loony Laney.

ELAINE

And stop calling me Loony Laney!

CUT TO

MR PETERMAN'S OFFICE

ELAINE

Lola, can I speak to you a minute?

LOLA

Make it quick. Oh, and you might want to stay out of your office for a few hours.

I'm giving Peterman a... massage. If you know what I mean.

ELAINE

What? No. You can't!

LOLA

Oh but I can.

LOLA LEAVES

ELAINE

Omigod. George!

INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE.

MR PETERMAN ENTERS AND REMOVES HIS DRESSING GOWN. HE TURNS AND IS CONFRONTED BY GEORGE, WEARING BOXER SHORTS.

THE TWO BEGIN TO SCREAM.

INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND ELAINE.

JERRY

So Peterman fired Lola? Your plan worked. You must be very proud.

ELAINE

We-ll, it didn't quite go as planned, but yeah, Lola's out.

She gave the copying machine guy the clap.

JERRY

How's George?

ELAINE

He's not returning my calls. He's punishing me by not talking to me.

JERRY

That he calls punishment?

ELAINE

I know. (LAUGHS)

JERRY

You still gonna give him Montego Bay?

ELAINE

Yup. I'll pick someplace else. Maybe Guam.

JERRY

Guam? Why Guam?

ELAINE

To be as far away from George as possible.

DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A PIZZA.

KRAMER

Hey. Check it out. Pizza from Tonio's. Ham, peppers, anchovies and mozzarella cheese.

Moz-zar-rella!

JERRY

So you're back on solids?

KRAMER

Nope. This is going straight in the juicer.

ELAINE

Kramer, you can't juice pizza.

KRAMER

Oh I beg to differ.

KRAMER JUICES PIZZA

KRAMER

Hmm! Looking good. Try some, Elaine.

ELAINE

No-oo-oo, thank you.

KRAMER

Jerry?

JERRY

I think you know my policy.

KRAMER

Well, bon appetit, muchachos.

KRAMER DRINKS.

JERRY

How is it?

KRAMER BEGINS TO CONVULSE

KRAMER

AAARRRGHH!

KRAMER SPRINTS FOR THE BATHROOM

ELAINE

Kramer, you ok?

SOUND OF KRAMER RETCHING

JERRY

That's a shame.

EXT. DAY. MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA. MANY, MANY YEARS LATER.

IT IS POURING WITH RAIN.

AN URN CONTAINING GEORGE'S ASHES IS LOADED ON A JEEP.

AS THE JEEP DRIVES AWAY THE URN FALLS FROM THE TAILGATE.

THE URN BREAKS AND THE ASHES ARE SLOWLY WASHED INTO THE GUTTER AND DOWN INTO THE SEWER.

*****************************************************************

THE END