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The Hooker
A Seinfeld fan's script
by Pjazz
2003
INT. DAY. JERRY'S
APARTMENT. JERRY AND KRAMER
KRAMER IS USING JERRY'S
JUICER. THE NOISE IS IRRITATING JERRY, READING A NEWSPAPER.
JERRY
Are you going to be much
longer?
KRAMER
Nearly there, Jerry. Oh
boy, you're going to love this.
JUICER NOISE. KRAMER
POURS GREEN JUICE INTO A GLASS.
KRAMER
Here you go, buddy.
Taste this.
JERRY TAKES A SIP
JERRY
Kramer, that's
disgusting. What the hell's in it?
KRAMER
Broccoli, cabbage,
alfafa, wheatgerm and some of Newman's leftover cantaloupes.
JERRY
Here. Take it.
KRAMER DRINKS
KRAMER
Hmm! 100 percent
goodness. In a glass. Martha Stewart swears by it.
JERRY
I feel like swearing
myself.
BUZZER SOUNDS
JERRY
Who is it?
ELAINE
It's me.
GEORGE
And me.
JERRY
C'mon up.
KRAMER
Try some more.
JERRY
I'm a big boy now. I eat
solids.
KRAMER
Not me, Jerry. Un huh.
From now on all my meals are gonna be juiced. Tastes better.
And it saves me time.
JERRY
Saves time for you to
what? Sleep?
DOOR OPENS. ELAINE AND
GEORGE ENTER. ELAINE IS ANNOYED.
ELAINE
I just cannot believe
you said that, George.
GEORGE
It was an observation. A
throwaway remark. An offhand comment.
ELAINE
It was an insult is what
it was.
JERRY
What's going on?
GEORGE
It's no big deal.
ELAINE
No big deal? George
mistook me for a hooker.
GEORGE
I did not mistake you
for a hooker. There was a woman on the kerb outside.
Short brunette. I
thought it was Elaine.
ELAINE
Wearing leather thigh
boots and a basque?
What, you think
Petermans doesn't pay me enough I gotta turn tricks?
GEORGE
Ok, I made a mistake.
Enough already.
ELAINE
You're damn right you
made a mistake, mister.
KRAMER
You two talking about
Lola?
GEORGE
You know her?
KRAMER
Lola? Sure. This is her
patch. She's a good kid.
JERRY
Kramer, she's a hooker.
KRAMER
Doesn't make her a bad
person.
ELAINE
It's against the law,
Kramer.
KRAMER
Sure it's against the
law. But it doesn't make her a criminal.
JERRY
(TO ELAINE) You gonna
explain, or shall I?
KRAMER
I'll prove it.
KRAMER OPENS A WINDOW
KRAMER
Hey Lola! C'mon up here
a minute, would ya? Yeah. Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Kramer, what are you
doing? I don't want a hooker in my apartment.
KRAMER
What's the matter,
Jerry? Think you're too good for her? Too respectable?
JERRY
Frankly, yes.
DOOR OPENS. LOLA ENTERS.
A PRETTY BRUNETTE WEARING THIGH BOOTS AND BEASQUE.
SHE'S CHEWING GUM.
LOLA
Hi.
KRAMER
Hey Lola. C'mon in. Meet
everybody. This is Jerry, George and Elaine.
GEORGE
So, Lola, how's tricks?
ELAINE
George!
LOLA
You the comedian lives
here?
JERRY
No, that's me.
LOLA
Yeah? Go ahead, funny
man. Tell me a joke. Make me laugh.
JERRY
Actually I'm more of an
observational comedian.
LOLA
Observational, huh?
Like, what's the deal with such and such, sorta thing?
JERRY
Yeah.
LOLA
I know the type.
Wpouldn't last 2 minutes out on the street.
KRAMER
Now Lola, Jerry's been
on Letterman. Show her your scrapbook, buddy.
JERRY
I don't think so.
LOLA
(TO ELAINE) Nice shoes.
ELAINE
Thank you.
LOLA
I was being sarcastic.
Two tone brogues? What, you inherit them from your dead grandfather?
ELAINE
Excuse me? What did you
just say?
LOLA
You heard. Gotta go.
Nice meeting you all. Later, Kramer. (EXITS)
GEORGE
Nice meeting you, Lola.
ELAINE
George!
KRAMER
So what d'you think? Is
she a great kid or what?
ELAINE
Kramer, she was very
rude and insulting. And these are very fashionable shoes.
JERRY
Wouldn't last 2 minutes
on the street! Who does she think she is? Little Miss Street Cred?
GEORGE
I liked her. She didn't
insult me at all.
ELAINE
Hey! Where's my purse?
JERRY
What's up?
ELAINE
I left my purse by the
door. Now it's gone.
JERRY
You sure you had it with
you?
ELAINE
Of course I'm sure. Ha!
You don't think....?
KRAMER
Think what?
ELAINE
That hooker stole my
purse!
KRAMER
Now, now Elaine.
ELAINE
Don't now now me, you
doofus. Your pal the hooker insults my shoes, which I might add I did not
inherit from my dead grandfather, then she steals my purse.
KRAMER
I'm sure it's just a
misunderstanding. If Lola has your purse I'll get it back for you.
ELAINE
You better. I've got
some important documents from Petermans in there.
GEORGE
I think she liked me,
did you notice?
ELAINE
Oh boy.
INT. DAY. MONK'S. JERRY
AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
My parents have really
stuck it to me this time, Jerry.
JERRY
Your parents? What'd
they do?
GEORGE
Yesterday they went out
and bought burial plots. Adjacent burial plots. Not 1. Not 2. 3.3, Jerry.
JERRY
You mean..?
GEORGE
That's right, my friend.
I, George Costanza, get to spend eternity next to my parents. Not a weekend
every few months. Eternity. the whole enchilada.
JERRY
That's bad.
GEORGE
It's not enough they
ruin my life, they've got to blight my afterlife as well?
JERRY
Aren't you overlooking
something? They're not gonna outlive you. When they die, sell the extra plot.
Bury yourself someplace else. Somewhere far, far away.
GEORGE
Yeah. Yeah, you're
right, Jerry. I always fancied somewhere close to the ocean. A nice plot with a
sea view. Good climate. Sea breeze.
JERRY
You're gonna be dead,
George. Not on vacation.
GEORGE
Hang on. Suppose I drop
down dead tomorrow from a heart attack? Or get hit by a meteorite?
JERRY
What are the odds?
GEORGE
Jerry, promise me if
anything happens you won't let my parents bury me.
JERRY
Me? What am I supposed
to do?
GEORGE
You could kidnap my body
from the morgue.
JERRY
And what? Hide your
putryfying corpse in my apartment? You're out of your mind.
ELAINE ARRIVES.
ELAINE
Hey.
GEORGE
Elaine, if it's not too
personal, mind if I ask where you're planning on being buried?
ELAINE
Buried? I'm not being
buried. The worms? The cold, dank soil? No way, Jose. Cremation. That's the way
to go. I'm gonna have my ashes scattered in Jamaica. Montego Bay. I went there
once. Beautiful, beautiful place. That's Laney's last resting place, boys.
Paradise, Caribbean
style.
GEORGE
Montego Bay? That sounds
pretty good. Perhaps I'll do that.
ELAINE
No. No. It's my idea.
You can't steal my idea.
GEORGE
What's the difference?
It's a big ocean. There's room for us both.
ELAINE
George, I don't want
your ashes mingling with my ashes.
GEORGE
Oh so what? The Costanza
ashes aren't good enough to mix with the Benes ashes?
Oh we're good enough,
baby!
ELAINE
But it's my idea! It's
not fair.
GEORGE
Yeah well, life ain't
fair why should death be any different?
JERRY
Could we stop with all
the death talk.
ELAINE
I forgot. Jerry has a
death phobia.
JERRY
I do not have a death
phobia. I'd just rather not keep talking about it.
GEORGE
I just pray the Grim
Reaper takes my parents before he takes me. God knows they deserve it.
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER
Hey compadres!
ALL
Kramer.
KRAMER
Elaine, a little
something for you, courtesy of Cosmo Kramer.
KRAMER HANDS ELAINE HER
STOLEN PURSE.
ELAINE
My purse!
KRAMER
Absolutely. And I think
you'll find it's all still in there.
ELAINE RUMMAGES IN
PURSE.
ELAINE
You're right. This is
amazing. Cash, cards, keys -- even my tampax.
JERRY
I guess there's no black
market for tampax, huh?
GEORGE
What kind of hooker
steals a purse but takes nothing?
KRAMER
An honest one, George. I
told you, Lola's a good kid. She comes from a great family.
JERRY
What, she's just turning
tricks to fill time before Swiss finishing school?
ELAINE
Hang on. My documents
from work are missing.
GEORGE
What would she want with
those?
ELAINE
Beats me. Not like
they're valuable.
JERRY
I guess it'll always be
one of life's unsolvable mysteries.
INT. DAY PETERMAN'S
OFFICE.
J. PETERMAN AND LOLA,
THE HOOKER. LOLA IS DRESSED SMARTLY BUT STILL SEXY.
PETERMAN
This is a very
impressive resume, Miss ...Benes.
LOLA
Thank you. Lola Benes.
Please, call me Lola.
PETERMAN
Lola. Are you any
relation to Elaine Benes who works here?
LOLA
She's my sister. My
older sister.
PETERMAN
I thought I saw a family
resemblance.
LOLA
On behalf of the whole
Benes family, we'd like to thank you, Mr Peterman, for looking after Elaine.
Especially in view of her... past.
PETERMAN
Elaine has a past? I had
no idea. Please, elucidate.
LOLA
Where to begin? The
drinking, the men. In and out of mental institutions. We're just thankful she
seems to be on an even keel now.
PETERMAN
Good lord!
LOLA
The last clinic helped
her alot. It's mainly self-esteem issues. She was an ugly duckling. She
especially resented me, the younger dare I say more attractive sister?
PETERMAN
If you don't say it I
shall. You're ravishing Lola. I can quite see how your beauty would mess with
Elaine's head.
LOLA
Inadvertantly, of
course. Sometimes, to cope, she pretends she has no sister. It can be ....quite
hurtful at times.
PETERMAN
There there, Lola. You
mustn't blame yourself for Elaine's failings. Here at Peterman's I pride myself
that the staff are one happy family. When you work for us you will find that
out for yourself.
LOLA
You mean I get the job?
PETERMAN
Absolutely.
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE
Mr Peterman, I need your
signature....you!
LOLA
Hello Elaine. Long time
no see.
PETERMAN
Elaine, I want you to
show your sister around. Help her get settled in her new job.
ELAINE
Sister? She's not my
sister, she's a----
PETERMAN
We'll have none of that
nonsense, Elaine. Or I'll have you back in the clinic before you can say rubber
walls.
ELAINE
But sir, please!
PETERMAN
No buts, Elaine. Now,
Lola, perhaps you're free for lunch?
LOLA
Love to.
ELAINE
But, but, but, but...
PETERMAN
Dismissed, Elaine.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S
APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ERIN, HIS NEW
GIRLFRIEND.
ERIN
I hope you don't mind,
Jerry. I borrowed your toothbrush.
JERRY
You used my toothbrush?
That's ok. I was gonna get a new one anyway.
ERIN
Because of me?
JERRY
No, I was planning a
...spring clean.
ERIN
A spring clean of
toothbrushes? Come on. I can't believe this.
JERRY
Erin...
ERIN
Don't Erin me, Jerry.
Last night when we were making out it was ok for you to stick your tongue in my
mouth. But use your precious toothbrush and suddenly I'm Typhoid Mary.
JERRY
You're exaggerating.
ERIN
Yeah? Exaggerate this.
Goodbye, Jerry. Have a nice anti-septic life.
JERRY
Erin!
ERIN LEAVES, PASSING
ELAINE ENTERING.
ELAINE
Oh Hi, uh, Erin.
ERIN
Elaine.
ELAINE ENTERS JERRY'S
APARTMENT. JERRY DROPS THE USED TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TRASH.
ELAINE
Ah, Erin used your
toothbrush. Bi-ii-ig mistake.
Y'know, Jerome, there's
a whole bunch of clinical psychologists out there just itching to write a
thesis on you. It'd win the Nobel Prize for medicine.
JERRY
Uh huh.
ELAINE
Anyway, enough of your
petty psychosis. Wait till you hear what happened to me.
Remember that hooker
stole my purse?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
She's working at
Peterman's. We're sharing an office.
JERRY
Lola the hooker?
ELAINE
Yup. She used those work
documents from my purse to convince Peterman she's experienced in publishing.
And get this. She's pretending to be my sister.
JERRY
Your sister? Didn't you
put Peterman straight?
ELAINE
Hah! She's got him
wrapped round her little finger. Plus she's told everyone I'm some sort of
loony tune. People look at me like I just escaped a strait jacket.
JERRY
I'm sure you're
mistaken.
ELAINE
Am I? She's turning
tricks in my office, Jerry. I'm convinced of it. I stepped out to get a coffee,
she's going at it hot and heavy with the copying machine guy.
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER
ENTERS.
KRAMER
Hey.
ELAINE
Well well well. If it
isn't Cosmo Kramer, the hooker's friend. Thanks to you your pal Lola's working
at my office. She tells people I'm her nutso sister. What d'you think about
that, huh?
KRAMER
Lola's got a job? There.
Didn't I tell you she's a good kid.She's off the street.
Trying to get ahead in
life.
ELAINE
Kramer, she's...Ah,
what's the use!
KRAMER
I need the juicer. I got
mangos, papayas, cassovar fruit, Jerry. Man, this is one heap of goodness just
waiting to be juiced.
JERRY
What are you going to do
about Lola?
ELAINE
Wait her out I guess.
We've got catalogue presentation tomorrow. No way she'll get away with that.
Even Peterman'll see she's a fraud.
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