"THE HOLLYWOOD" by Pjazz

STAND UP ROUTINE: The British royal family. What's the deal with the British royal family?

You've got your Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Harry, Prince Andrew, Prince Edward.

All these Princes.

What I want to know is - who's kissing all these frogs? Is frog kissing big business in Great Britain?

I think we should be told.Someone said we're 2 nations separated by a single tongue.

I can relate to that. I see their point. We say to-mayto, they say fish and chips with a cuppa tea please.

It's a different culture. Like something on a petri dish.

INT.COFFEE SHOP.JERRY AND GEORGE.

JERRY: Let me get this straight. If you're stuck in quicksand the trick is to do nothing.

GEORGE: Nothing. To do something only makes you sink faster.

JERRY: But you gotta do something.You're in quicksand.

Show me a guy who's stuck in quicksand doing nothing and I'll show you a dead man.

GEORGE: I'd do something. I' d struggle like crazy. Boy, I'd do something all right.

JERRY: You. You'd be dead in a minute.

GEORGE: Gone, baby! Right under.

WAITRESS ARRIVES

JERRY: The usual.

GEORGE: Usual.....I'm thinking of breaking up with Wendy.

JERRY: The size thing?

GEORGE: Ye-ah.

JERRY: Size matters, Georgie boy.

ELAINE ARRIVES

ELAINE:Hey.

JERRY: George is breaking up with Wendy.

ELAINE: The size thing?

GEORGE: Is it that obvious?

ELAINE: Well, Wendy's six one you're, what, five four?

GEORGE: Five five. And a half. Don't forget the half. I'd be five six if my hair hadn't turned traitor.

JERRY: You're an odd couple. Like Superman and Jimmy Olsen.

GEORGE: It's those high heels she wears. They add 4- 5 inches.

Why's she need to wear high heels if she's six one. It's perverse.

ELAINE: Ask her to wear flatties. I wear them all the time. They're more comfortable than heels.

GEORGE: Flatties. Yeah. That'd give me back 4 -5 inches. I can swing that.

JERRY: I got a copy of the new Austin Powers tape.(ENGLISH ACCENT) You wanna come by my pad and watch it, baby?

ELAINE: That's your english accent?

GEORGE: Arnold Schwartzenegger does a better english accent.

ELAINE: Nah, I can't. Gotta visit the beauty salon. Getting a wax.

JERRY: I thought you used a razor. Leg wax was too painful.

ELAINE: This isn't for my legs...

JERRY: Ah. What are we talking here - Mohican or the whole Custer's Last Stand?

ELAINE: It's called a Hollywood, Jerry. It's very fashionable. Gwen at the office said it's totally painfree.

GEORGE: Wendy has a Hollywood.Totally bald. Add glasses and I'm looking in a mirror.

INT.SUPERMARKET.JERRY IS PUSHING A TROLLEY LOADED WITH CEREAL BOXES.

JERRY: Mock my english accent, would they. (ENG ACCENT)Hullo. Like a cuppa tea?

Love a cuppa tea. A cuppa tea would be lovely.

A TROLLEY CRASHES INTO JERRY'S PUSHED BY SOPHIE,A BEAUTIFUL ENGLISH GIRL.

JERRY:(ENG ACCENT)Frightfully sorry.

SOPHIE: Oh gosh. Your accent. Sophie, I'm english too.

JERRY:(ENG ACCENT)Jerry. Cuppa tea?

EXT.OUTSIDE A SHOESHOP.GEORGE AND WENDY.

WENDY: Oh look at those heels, George. Aren't they gorgeous?

GEORGE: Are you sure you wouldn't be happier with something flatter?

WENDY: Flatter? George, they're five inch stilettos.

GEORGE: Five inches,eh. You know high heels are bad for your posture. Very bad for posture.

All the doctors say so. In 10 years your spine could look like a pretzel.

WENDY: Ooh,Manolo Blahnik.

GEORGE: Sandals are good.

WENDY: No, George.

GEORGE: Espadrilles. Terrific.

WENDY: No.

GEORGE: Flip flops?

INT.BEAUTY SALON.ELAINE IS LYING ON A TREATMENT TABLE, READY FOR HER WAX.

HER LEGS ARE BARE, FEET IN STRIRRUPS.

ELAINE: Ok.Going to Hollywood.Hol-ly-wood.Relaxed. Totally relaxed.Gwen said you don't feel a thing.

EXT.BEAUTY SALON. ELAINE'S SCREAM ECHOES ACROSS THE CITY.

INT.JERRY'S APPARTMENT.JERRY , ELAINE AND KRAMER.

ELAINE: I'm telling you, Jerry, it was the most painful experience of my life.

Like the world's biggest bandaid being ripped off the most sensitive part of my body.

Compared to that childbirth'll be a breeze.

JERRY: So Lainie's gone to Hollywood.

ELAINE: Lainie's gone to Hollywood.

JERRY: What's that feel like?

ELAINE: Smo-oo-th. Like I'm 9 years old again.

KRAMER: I had a Hollywood once.

ELAINE: You. You had a Hollywood?

KRAMER: Yup.

JERRY: Why? Why would you do something like that?

KRAMER: It's very liberating, Jerry. You should try it sometime.

JERRY: No, thank you. My boy's are under strict curfew.

KRAMER: You got any matches?

JERRY: Sure. Here you go (HANDS KRAMER A BOX OF MATCHES) Smoking Cuban's again?

KRAMER:I'm building a model of the Statue of Liberty. Out of matchsticks.

ELAINE: Any particular reason? Besides the obvious mental derangement.

KRAMER: It's very therapeutic. Everyone needs a relief from the stresses of modern life.

JERRY: I can see how you'd need a break from your high stress lifestyle.

KRAMER: Exactly. (EMPTIES BOX OF MATCHES INTO HIS POCKET.) You're out of matches, buddy.

JERRY: I'll put it on my shopping list.

KRAMER: Giddyup.

KRAMER EXITS

ELAINE: You wanna catch a movie tonight?

JERRY: I can't. Sophie's coming over.

ELAINE: The English girl? How's that going?

JERRY: Great. Except for one tiny detail.

ELAINE: Oh boy. Here we go.

JERRY: She thinks I'm English..

ELAINE: I don't know how you get yourself into these things, Jerry, I really don't. It's like an illness.

BUZZER SOUNDS

JERRY: Yeah?

GEORGE: Me.

JERRY: C'mon up.

ELAINE: Gotta go. Hot date with a tub of cold balm.

ELAINE LEAVES AS GEORGE ENTERS

GEORGE: Went shopping with Wendy. Does she listen to me and buy flatties?

No-oo. Mr. Manolo Blahnik. 5 inch heels if they're a yard.

JERRY: Manolo Blahnik?

GEORGE: She's six six in them easy,Jerry. I get a crick in my neck just looking up at her.

JERRY: Manolo Blahnik?

GEORGE: Whatever.

JERRY:If you don't like women taller than you why date her in the first place?

GEORGE: Why do men climb Mount Everest, Jerry. Because it's there.

Tall women are an irresistible challenge to short men. We just have to step up to the plate and take a swing.

JERRY: And strike out.

GEORGE: Then inspiration struck me,Jerry. How could I even out our heights?

PRODUCES PAIR OF LURID PLATFORM BOOTS FROM A BAG

Platform boots. Got them at a flea market on 81st street.

Genuine 1970s. The owner thinks they might have belonged to Elton John.

JERRY: Too ostentatious for Elton John. Try Liberace.

GEORGE: If the mountain wouldn't come to Mohammad...

JERRY: Mohammad buys a pair of platform boots.

GEORGE: Exactly. Now I can look Wendy straight in the eye, not straight in the ...whatever.

BUZZER

JERRY: Yeah?

SOPHIE: Sophie.

JERRY: C 'mon up. (TO GEORGE) Sophie's English. She thinks I am too, so play along.

GEORGE: Deceit is my middle name. How long you planning on keeping it up?

JERRY: Well obviously until I've...

GEORGE: Obviously.

SOPHIE ENTERS

JERRY:(ENG ACCENT) Sophie, my friend George.

SOPHIE: Hullo. Are you a comedian too?

GEORGE: No, I'm an architect actually.Have you seen the Statue of Liberty?

SOPHIE: That's your work?

GEORGE: Not quite. Though we are planning some design changes.

All these years the torch has been held in her right hand. Perhaps it's time she changed to a leftie grip.

SOPHIE: Incredible.

JERRY: (EA) Isn't it. Bye, George.

JERRY PUSHES GEORGE OUT THE DOOR

SOPHIE: He seems awfully nice.

JERRY:(EA)Not really. Tea?

SOPHIE: Ta.Milk one sugar. You know you said you used to live in London?

JERRY:(EA) Ah, London town. The Big...tomarto.

SOPHIE: Whereabouts?

JERRY:(EA)Excuse me?

SOPHIE: Where in London did you live?

JERRY:(EA)Big Ben....

SOPHIE: Big Ben?

JERRY:(EA)The Big Ben general area.

SOPHIE: Ever visit Islington? That's where I live.

JERRY:(EA)Islington. We were practically neighbours.

SOPHIE:(PUZZLED) But Islington's north of the river.

JERRY:(EA) I'm a very strong swimmer.

SOPHIE: I'm so glad I met you, Jerry.

Most Yanks when they hear my accent do this whole Austin Powers 'yeah baby' act.

It drives me mad. Bloody Yanks.

JERRY:(EA) Those Yanks. They're so...bloody.

SOPHIE: Oh Jerry. You're funny. I can't wait to see your act.

JERRY: (EA)Right. My act...

INT. ELAINE'S APPARTMENT. BEDROOM. ELAINE AND PUDDY ARE IN BED.

ELAINE: You don't like it?

PUDDY: I didn't say that.

ELAINE: It sounds like you don't like it.

PUDDY: Quit riding me. Let me think about it.

ELAINE: That's all you're going to do? Think?

PUDDY GETS OUT OF BED AND GETS DRESSED

ELAINE: Puddy! What are you doing?

PUDDY: I've thought about it.

ELAINE: And?

PUDDY: I don't like it.

INT.JERRY/ELAINE APPARTMENTS. SPLIT SCREEN. TELEPHONE CONVERSATION.

ELAINE IS IN BED SURROUNDED BY STUFFED TEDDY BEARS.

JERRY: Elaine, Sophie wants to see my act. What am I going to do?

ELAINE: Do your act, what's the problem?

JERRY: She still thinks I'm English. I'll have to do the whole act with an English accent.

You and George were right, my accent stinks. I'll be a laughing stock.

ELAINE: Jerry, you're a comedian. That's the whole point.

Anyway, Puddy came over. He doesn't like the Hollywood.

JERRY: Really?

ELAINE: Ah, who needs him.

JERRY:(HEARING ELAINE'S TV) Is that Sesame Street?

ELAINE: Yeah. It'so-oo funny.

JERRY: You hate Sesame Street. You said Big Bird's like something you hallucinate after too many chili peppers.

ELAINE: Big Bird's great. And it's educational, Jerry. You can learn to count.

One two pick up shoe, three four knock on the door, five six pick up sticks....Jerry? Hello? Jerry?

INT. COMEDY CLUB. JERRY HAS JUST FINISHED HIS ACT AND BEEN BOOED OFFSTAGE. HE MEETS BANIA.

BANIA:(MUSING) Why do they call it peanut butter? It's not butter.

And it's not made from peas. That's genius, Jerry, genius.

JERRY: Bania, I was booed off the stage. Some guy even threw a snapple can at me.

It wasn't even empty. Boy, an English accent is like a red rag to those people.

INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT.WENDY IS ON THE SOFA READING A MAGAZINE.

GEORGE ENTERS, WALKING UNSTEADILY ON HIS NEW PLATFORM SHOES.

WENDY: Hi. You want to eat lunch here or go someplace?

GEORGE: Here. My feet are killing me.

WENDY: Ok.

GEORGE: Wendy, come over here a minute.

WENDY: George, I'm comfortable.

GEORGE: Won't take a minute. Humour me.

WENDY JOINS GEORGE. SHE IS BAREFOOT AND GEORGE IS ALMOST HER HEIGHT.

GEORGE: Aha! What d'you think of that?

WENDY: What?

GEORGE: What? We're almost the same height.

WENDY:(NOTICING GEORGE'S SHOES) Oh my God, George, what have you done?

Take those ridiculous things off and throw them away.

GEORGE: Throw them away? I am never taking them off again in my life.

I'm tall, baby, no more average height George.

WENDY: George you're short. It's what I love about you. You're my cuddly little shitzu puppy dog man.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GEORGE. GEORGE IS STILL WEARING PLATFORM HEELS.

JERRY: Wendy's dumping you because you're tall?

GEORGE: Yup.

JERRY: 'Cuddly little shitzu puppy dog man'?

GEORGE: She hates these shoes, Jerry. Wendy said if I don't get rid of them it's over.

JERRY: Which is what you wanted.

GEORGE: When I was short. Now I'm tall, I figure why look elsewhere?

JERRY: So get rid of the shoes.

GEORGE: I can't.. The view from up here is intoxicating.

I can't live down in the lowlands now I've tasted the cool mountain air.

GEORGE HOBBLES AROUND THE ROOM.

JERRY: You don't seem too steady on those things.

GEORGE: They're a nightmare. I don't know how women manage heels.

I'm falling all over the place.I'm covered in bruises.

JERRY: You think you've got problems. Listen to this.

(READS FROM NEWSPAPER) 'Comedian Jerry Seinfeld last night did his entire act with an English accent.

It bombed. This critic thinks maybe he's been watching too many Austin Powers movies.'

GEORGE: Still not getting anywhere with Sophie, huh.

JERRY: Maybe tonight. I hope so. I'm sick of drinking tea all the time.

I haven't had a decent coffee in days.

KRAMER ENTERS IN THE USUAL FASHION

KRAMER: Hey, compadres. Check out Elaine. She's outside playing the local kids at hopscotch. For money.

THEY CONGREGATE AT THE WINDOW

EXT. ELAINE PLAYING HOPSCOTCH. SHE COMPLETES A TURN AND DEMANDS CASH FROM A SMALL CHILD.

INT. JERRY'S APPARTMENT. JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER.

JERRY: Elaine's been acting weird lately.

GEORGE: Perhaps it's her, y'know, time of the month.

JERRY: No, that just makes her unbearable. (TO KRAMER) If you're looking for more matches, I'm still out.

KRAMER: No need, Buddy. It's finished. Come see.

OUT IN THE HALL IS KRAMER'S FINISHED MODEL OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY MADE OUT OF MATCHSTICKS.

IT IS 4 FEET HIGH AND SURPRISINGLY GOOD.

JERRY: Hey, that's pretty good.

GEORGE: Where'd you get all the matches?

KRAMER: My friend Bob Saccamento. He gets them wholesale. Norweigean wood. The best.

JERRY: Why's it out in the hall?

KRAMER: The varnish. It gives off fumes.

ELAINE ARRIVES. SHE'S COUNTING DOLLAR BILLS.

JERRY: Well well, if it isn't the hopscotch queen herself.

ELAINE: Pretty good, huh. A cool 6 bucks. Any of you guy's wanna go to the park?

We could go on the swings. Or the slide. Ohh, the teeter-totter, Jerry. Up and down. Up and down.

JERRY: Teeter-totter?

ELAINE: Or we could get a milk shake. Milk shake's good.

JERRY: Hopscotch. Swings. Teeter-totter.Milkshakes. Watching Sesame Street. I see what's happened.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: It's the Hollywood. It's making you act 9 years old.

ELAINE: The Hollywood! That is so-oo silly, Jerry. Jerry Sein-smelled.

I'll go with Mary. Come to think of it, that kid still owes me a buck.

ELAINE LEAVES

GEORGE: I'd better be going. Wendy should've moved her stuff out by now.

GEORGE TURNS TO LEAVE BUT OVERBALANCES ON HIS PLATFORM HEELS.

IN SLO-MO WE SEE HIM FALL ON TOP OF KRAMER'S STATUE OF LIBERTY MODEL, SMASHING IT.

JERRY: You idiot! You've smashed the Statue of Liberty. The symbol of our nation.

SOPHIE ARRIVES IN THE HALLWAY. SHE OVERHEARS JERRY AND REALISES HE IS AN AMERICAN.

SHE BACKS UP AND LEAVES.

JERRY: Sophie! Wait. I can explain.

JERRY IS HOLDING THE TORCH PART OF THE MODEL ALOFT IN HIS RIGHT HAND.

FOR A MOMENT HIS POSTURE IS THAT OF THE ACTUAL STATUE OF LIBERTY.

EXT. OUTSIDE JERRY'S APPARTMENT BUILDING.

SOPHIE: I'm so glad I've finally met a real English gentleman. Not some phony.

NEWMAN: (ENGLISH ACCENT) Don't mention it, my dear. Let's go and have some luvverly fish and chips.

SOPHIE AND NEWMAN STROLL ARM IN ARM.

THEY PASS ELAINE WHO IS BUSY FRISKING MARY, A SMALL CHILD, FOR MONEY.

STAND UP ROUTINE

Women don't like body hair. They'll do anything to remove it.

Shaving, waxing, plucking, electrolysis - I think Agent Orange might be involved somewhere.

Men? We don't care. Hair can grow on any part of our bodies, we're not bothered.

Except inside the nose. That's gotta stop. We're the only creatures on the planet to make a fuss over body hair.

In the jungle you don't hear one chimpanzee saying to another chimpanzee

'Gee, I'd like to help you forage for bananas, but I'm getting a wax. Maybe some other time.

THE END