Seinfeld- The High School Reunion
INT. DAY. JERRY’S APARTMENT.
George Enters, dejectedly
GEORGE: Well, Jerry, it came today.
JERRY: What came today?
GEORGE: The invitation.
JERRY: The invitation? What invitation?
GEORGE: The invitation to our twentieth high school reunion.
JERRY: Oh that’s right, it’s coming up in a couple of weeks.
GEORGE: Yes it is Jerry- and I, George Costanza, will not be in attendance.
JERRY: What? You’re not going? Why not? Don’t you want to see what happened to all the guys? Bubba? Weebie? Artie McNeilson?
GEORGE: Artie McNeilson?
JERRY: Yeah, rememberthe guy with the lazy eye and the speech impediment?
GEORGE: Oh rightArtie. I don’t know how he did it. That’s a bad combinationa lazy eye and a speech impediment. I couldn’t handle both. I could probably handle one.
JERRY: No you couldn’t. But don’t you wanna see how he’s turned out?
GEORGE: I can’t go, Jerrymy life is in shambles! I’ve got nothing to show these people!
JERRY: Oh come on now! Sure you do!
GEORGE: Like what, Jerry? Like what!? I don’t have a job-- I don’t have any moneyI live with my parentsI’m bald!
JERRY: Yeah I guess you’re right.
GEORGE: I mean, isn’t that the whole point of a high school reunion? To show off to everyone else how rich and successful you’ve become? To go and stick it to all those guys who made fun of you? To embarrass all those teachers who told you you’d never get anywhere in life?
JERRY: I see your problem…
GEORGE: Jerry- all those teachers were right! And don’t you remember that speech I made? Prom night?
JERRY: How could I forget that speech?
GEORGE: I grabbed the mic like there was no tomorrow- boy did I give it to themafter four years of humiliating me they got it back that night. I just went on and on about how rich and famous I would be someday, and how I would be laughing at them all in twenty years…
JERRY: Boy were you wrong….didn’t they have to drag you off the stage?
GEORGE: Yes they did, Jerryit was the proudest moment in my life. But Jerry, I can’t show up nownot after that!
JERRY: No, no, you definitely can’t……..unless….you know, why don’t you just show up with a fake story?
JERRY: A fake storya fake life. You show up as another persona rich and successful George Costanza.
GEORGE: A rich and successful George Costanza….I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before!
JERRY: You could come up with a fake joba fake income. You’re a good liar.
GEORGE: I’m a great liar. It’s the only thing I’ve been able to do halfway successfully. Jerry, I think this is the golden opportunity I’ve been waiting for my entire life!
JERRY: You’ll show them!
GEORGE: This is my chance! I can finally show off what I’ve become! I can finally humiliate all those guys who made fun of me!
JERRY: You stick it to them with your fake life!
GEORGE: I could go all out with this onerent a real nice car, get a fake watch. They’ll regret the very day they made fun of George Costanza!
JERRY: That’s right!
GEORGE: (Giddy) This is gonna be great! And you can show up and back up my story! This can’t miss!
JERRY: I’ll tell you what I’m worried about. Remember Gordon Howe?
GEORGE: Oh yeah, Pretentious Gordo.
JERRY: Yeah, that’s what we called him. Anyway, I made a bet with him back in high school that I would be married by the time we reached our twentieth high school reunion.
JERRY: Yeah, the only problem is Stacie just broke up with me.
GEORGE: Already? It’s been like a week.
JERRY: I know, I know. I thought she was the one, too.
GEORGE: How much was the bet for?
JERRY: Seven hundred and fifty dollars.
GEORGE: Oh…well Jerry, that was twenty years ago, he’s not even going to remember something like that.
JERRY: No, Gordon will remember. In fact, last time, at the tenth reunion, he kept bringing it up! “Jerry, you’re not married yet. Jerry, the clock is ticking.” I would have married Rue Paul just to shut him up.
GEORGE: I see your problem….
JERRY: Who’d have thought it’d be so hard to find a wife.
KRAMER: Hey, George. (To Jerry) Hey! Richie Cunningham!
JERRY: Richie Cunningham? Where do you get off comparing me to Richie Cunningham?
KRAMER: Come on, Jerry. You’re the Richie Cunningham of our group. The center of our social beings. The core around which the rest of us revolve.
JERRY: Really? Hear that George? I’m the core around which you revolve.
GEORGE: (To Kramer) Well if he’s Richie Cunningham, then who am I?
KRAMER: Well, you’re Ralph Malph.
GEORGE: I’m Ralph Malph?
KRAMER: Sure! Don’t you see it? Short, strange looking, not too bright…
GEORGE: And who are you, Kramer?
KRAMER: Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m….the Fonze. Anyway, Jerry, I need to borrow your sewing machine.
Kramer begins to root around in Jerry’s kitchen
JERRY: Kramer, I don’t have a sewing machine.
KRAMER: You don’t? Why not?
GEORGE: Hey Jerry, I’ve got a great idea! You know what you could doget Elaine to show up and pretend to be your wife.
JERRY: Elaine wouldn’t do that in a million years.
GEORGE: Yeah you’re right. Hey Kramer what time is it.
KRAMER: (looks at watch) Three-thirty eight, and twenty……sev-- ei-- nine seconds.
GEORGE: Oh, shoot. I promised my mother I’d be back by four o’clock.
JERRY: What if you’re not?
GEORGE: (sheepishly) I’m grounded.
Kramer and Jerry laugh
George leaves, angrily
KRAMER: What’s this Elaine thing about?
JERRY: Well, I made a bet with this guy back I high school that I would be married in twenty years, and now our high school reunion is coming up in two weeks
KRAMER: Whoa, whoa, whoahigh school reunion?
KRAMER: Can I go?
JERRY: Can you go?
JERRY: You want to go to my high school reunion?
KRAMER: That’s right.
JERRY: No you can’t go!
KRAMER: Why not?
JERRY: Because- it’s not your high school!
JERRY: So you’re not invited! Besides, why would you want to go to someone else’s high school reunion?
KRAMER: Jerry, I don’t know if you know this, but I never graduated high school.
JERRY: I’m shocked.
KRAMER: Well, Jerry, the point is, I’m not gonna get another chance to go to a high school reunion! If I don’t go to yours, I’m never gonna know what it’s like to go back and see all those familiar faces. Jerry, I wanna get that great feeling of being recognized after twenty years by all those guys I used to know!
JERRY: But you didn’t know them!
KRAMER: Jerry, that doesn’t matter. Look, just tell me where the thing is being held.
JERRY: Kramer I’m not telling you where its is being held
Kramer tries to grab the invitation that Jerry is holding. They fight over it
JERRY: (He grabs it away) Forget it!
KRAMER: Alright, alright Jerry. Have it your way. But remember, Jerry, I never forget anything. I’m writing my will soon and I may think twice, before cutting you in on a piece of my belongings.
JERRY: I think I’ll be able to get by.
CUT TO: NIGHT. CAR.
Jerry is driving. Elaine is in the passenger seat.
ELAINE: I still can’t believe you talked me into this. What am I crazy? The last thing I want to do is pretend to be your wife so you can win a stupid bet. You better be grateful!
JERRY: I am grateful! I’m very grateful! Who said I wasn’t grateful! Besides, it’s not like this is a one sided deal…
ELAINE: Oh yeah? What am I getting out of it?
JERRY: It’ll give you a chance to see what you missed out on all these years. Okay, let’s go over the story one more time.
JERRY: Elaine, this is not a matter to be taken lightly. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a little nervous. Gordon Howe is a very irritating man, and I don’t want to have to fork over seven-hundred and fifty bucks because my undercover fake wife couldn’t keep her facts straight. Okay, so how did we meet?
ELAINE: (annoyed) I saw you in a night club and fell head over heels in love with you…
JERRY: That’s right. And how did I propose?
ELAINE: Jerry, is this really necessary? No one is going to want to know how you proposed to me…
ELAINE: Alright… you took me to a scenic cliff overlooking the Hudson River. We had a quiet romantic dinner and you got down on one knee and made a wonderful speech. It was the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me.
JERRY: Good. Now remember- we were married on November 18th, 1991 at a chapel in the Hamptons.
ELAINE: The Hamptons? (she laughs) You could never afford a wedding in the Hamptons!
JERRY: Hey, if I’m already pretending to be married, why not take a few more liberties? Now, here is your fake driver’s license...
ELAINE: Where’d you get this picture of me?
JERRY: And here is your engagement ring. I got it at Tiffany’s.
JERRY: No. Street vender on 71st Street.
ELAINE: Say, what’s George doing tonight? Is he even going to this reunion?
JERRY: Oh- he’s going alright. Wait till you see this. Tonight, George will be a completely different person. Rich, successful, happy…
ELAINE: He’s lying too?
JERRY: That’s right. He’s the one that inspired me. He’s going all out on this one, too. Big time job, the whole shebang. Also, he told me to tell you not to blow his cover.
ELAINE: What do you mean?
JERRY: Just, no matter what he says, or how ridiculous he sounds, go along with it.
ELAINE: This night may be more entertaining than I thought. What’s he saying he does for a living?
JERRY: I’m not sure.
INT. NIGHT. BANQUET HALL.
George is standing, very-well dressed, talking to a group of people
GEORGE: And after grad school, I helped Phil Johnson design the Lipstick Building on 53rd street.
GEORGE: Yes, yes. Frank Wright called it one of my finer achievements.
WOMAN: You knew Wright?
GEORGE: Frankie? Sure. We went way back. I actually served as his apprentice for a number of years.
MAN: But Frank Lloyd Wright died in 1959
GEORGE: (pauses) Yes that’s right. I wasn’t referring to Frank Lloyd Wright. I was talking about his son- Frank Lloyd Wright Jr. He designed the Vandelay Building in Cincinnati. Haven’t you heard of him?
MAN: No I haven’t.
GEORGE: Well that certainly shows how much you know about architecture. Please, let me do the talking.
DEBBIE: (flirtatiously) Wow, George, I have to say I never thought you’d turn out to be so successful.
GEORGE: (With fake sincerity) Now, remember, Debbie, it’s important to keep things in perspective. There are thousands of public servants out there, brave enough to risk there lives everyday. Those are the true success stories. I am but an architect. A rich one, perhaps. But I would never compare myself to what those honorable people do.
DEBBIE: Your so modest, George.
Jerry and Elaine enter on the other side of the hall
JERRY: (Scoping the hall) Alright, now where is Gordon.
ELAINE: Hey look. There’s George.
They simultaneously call him over. The three are now speaking amongst themselves.
JERRY: Wow, look at you. You sure did dress up for the event.
GEORGE: Jerry, you would not believe this rich and successful thing. Women are flocking to me like I’m Tom Cruise. This one Patricia, I don’t even remember her from high school, but she couldn’t stop flirting with me. You know, I should pretend to be rich and successful all the time.
ELAINE: Or you could actually become rich and successful.
GEORGE: (Amused) Elaine, come on.
JERRY: George, have you seen Gordon anywhere?
GEORGE: No, no. Where did Patricia go? (Looking around) Hey Jerry- do you know why Kramer wanted to know where this thing was being held?
JERRY: You didn’t tell him, did you?
GEORGE: Yeah I told him. Why?
JERRY: Oh no.
CUT TO: NIGHT. CAR.
Newman is driving; Kramer is in the passenger seat
KRAMER: Hey, thanks again for driving me. I had no idea cars didn’t work without the shocks.
NEWMAN: There better be free lobster, there, Kramer. You promised me free lobster.
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, relax. Free lobster.
NEWMAN: What is this thing you got me going to anyway? Some sort of banquet?
KRAMER: It’s a high school reunion.
NEWMAN: A high school reunion? But I thought you never graduated high school.
KRAMER: I didn’t. It’s Jerry’s high school reunion.
NEWMAN: You’re going to Jerry’s high school reunion? How’d you convince him to let you do that?
KRAMER: Yeah, well uh, he doesn’t exactly know.
NEWMAN: (stares ahead with an evil grin) Well, well. It looks like Jerry’s high school reunion is about to get…crashed! (evil laugh)
INT. NIGHT. BANQUET HALL.
Kramer approaches the reception desk where the name cards are handed out
KRAMER: Uh, yeah. Kramer?
LADY: Kramer…let’s see. Um, how do you spell that, sir?
LADY: There doesn’t seem to be a nametag here for you, sir.
KRAMER: What do you mean there’s not a nametag?
KRAMER: I try to come to my own high school reunion, have a nice time, see all my old buddies, and you’re telling me you don’t have my nametag?
LADY: Well, sir-
KRAMER: All those great years at Kennedy High, and you guys can’t even remember me? I feel terrible. I spent the best years of my life at your school, and you don’t even acknowledge me. What kind of a high school did I go to?
The receptionist is scrambling to make a nametag. She finally hands a “Kramer” nametag to Kramer. Kramer puts on the nametag, and accidentally sticks the pin into his chest. The pain causes him to spasm. He finally fixes it and enters the banquet with Newman behind him.
LADY: (To Newman) Um, Sir?
KRAMER: Don’t worry he’s with me. (To Newman) Alright. The lobster’s over there. I’ll see you later. (Newman has already dashed off towards the food)
Kramer approaches two men wearing nametags
KRAMER: Hey! Bill! Rich! How you doing? Long time no see!
RICH: Umm, hey….Kramer.
KRAMER: Boy, the last time I remember seeing you two, we were in the back of a pickup truck going 90 on the Arthur Burkhart Expressway!
RICH, BILL: (a little confused) Yeah, yeah…
INT. NIGHT. BANQUET HALL.
Jerry and Elaine are standing near each other. A man approaches.
GORDON: Jerry Seinfeld. Great to see you. How are you doing?
JERRY: Gordon. What a pleasant surprise. So what have you been up to?
GORDON: Actually I just hit it big. Got in on Starbucks on the ground floor. Who’d have thought coffee would get so popular, right?
JERRY: Right, right.
GORDON: Say, did you hear the buzz yet? Remember Pat Fryer? Sex change.
JERRY: No way.
GORDON: That’s right. He’s is a completely new person. I don’t even know what he looks like, but he’s here somewhere. Keep a look out. Anyway, Jerry- what are you up to these days?
JERRY: Still a standup comedian.
GORDON: Oh, still doing the standup thing? Good for you. Good for you.
JERRY: Actually, Gordon, I believe you owe me some money.
GORDON: Really? What for?
JERRY: Remember the bet we made in high school? The bet that I wouldn’t be married in twenty years?
GORDON: Oh that’s right. The bet. You know I completely forgot? You could have shown up by yourself and I wouldn’t have asked for a dime.
JERRY: That’s wonderful. Anyway, this is my wife, El
ELAINE: (flirtatiously) Hello.
GORDON: Well hello, Mrs. Seinfeld.
ELAINE: Oh, please, call me Elaine.
GORDON: Elaine, how do you do?
ELAINE: I’m great. I’m fantastic. I’m superb.
GORDON: Well isn’t that wonderful to hear? Jerry, let me write a check. How much was the bet for?
JERRY: Seven-hundred and fifty.
GORDON: (writing the check) Certainly. No problem, and there you go.
(He hands him the check)
JERRY: Thank you.
GORDON: And might I say that you are a very lucky man. Very lucky indeed. (Flirting with Elaine)
JERRY: (Smilingly) Yes I know. (He pulls Elaine back towards him. She fights it.)
ELAINE: So tell me, Gordon- was it your luck or your intuition that led you to latch on to Star…bucks? (laugh)
GORDON: Well, Elaine, when you’re in business you find that success is a combination of luck and intuition. The key is to recognize your opportunities…and seize them.
ELAINE: Really? Tell me more.
JERRY: (to Elaine) Um, Honey? I think Artie McNeilson is calling us over there by the food. Let’s go say hello.
ELAINE: I don’t see anyone.
JERRY: He’s there.
Jerry drags Elaine from Gordon and towards the food table. Gordon begins to walk away and bumps into Kramer. At first they are both startled. Kramer reads the nametag.
KRAMER: Oh, uh, Hey! Gordon! How’ve you been! Boy it’s been a while!
GORDON: Do I know you?
KRAMER: It’s me! Kramer! Come on. Calculus, senior year? Those were some fun times, Gordo. We did some wild things together. What? Don’t you remember?
KRAMER: Boy, I’ll tell you Gordon, you haven’t changed a bit.
CUT TO: JERRY AND ELAINE NEAR THE FOOD
JERRY: (Anxious whisper) Elaine, what are you doing?
ELAINE: What, Jerry?
JERRY: You were all over him!
ELAINE: Oh, Jerry, come on. I was not!
JERRY: (impersonating Elaine) “Tell me more.” Elaine you cannot come on to him! I think he’s already on to us, and if he realizes you’re flirting with him he’ll know we’re not married and the whole jig is up!
Newman bumps into Jerry
NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.
JERRY: Newman?! What the hell are you doing here?
NEWMAN: I came with Kramer. Is that a problem?
JERRY: Yes, it’s a problem. Nothing good can come of you being here. Now get out, and I don’t want to see you again!
NEWMAN: Why? You wouldn’t want me to spoil any of your…tall tales, would you? (evil laugh, he scampers away)
JERRY: (making a fist) Newman!
EXT. NIGHT. BANQUET HALL.
George and a woman are standing alone, outside, with drinks
GEORGE: Well, Patricia, here we are…outside…where you wanted to go.
PATRICIA: George, you’ve become such an impressive man. You’re rich. You’re successful. You’re modest. You’re everything a woman could want…
GEORE: Well, Patricia, I try.
(Patricia moves in towards him)
INT. NIGHT. BANQUET HALL.
Kramer is standing in a group of people, everyone is talking and laughing
KRAMER: And Johnny here, who had had like ten drinks, stumbles and trips over himself! (roars of laughter) Meanwhile Fred and I look like we’ve just seen a ghost, and we hightail it outta there before the cops see us! (roars of laughter)
JOHNNY: (while laughing) Boy Kramer, those were some great days.
KRAMER: Yeah, well I guess I always was the life of the party! (more roars of laughter)
BILL: Hey, Kramer, what about the time we stole the desk from Mrs. Bennett’s classroom?! (laughter)
KRAMER: And we tried to hide it in the janitor’s closet but it wouldn’t fit! (laughter)
CUT TO: JERRY STANDING WITH A DRINK
George approaches him
GEORGE: Hey Jerry. I’ll tell you this rich and successful thing was a great idea. I met this great woman- Patricia, She’s in love with me, Jerry- she was all over me outside! I even got a date with her next week!
JERRY: So you’re gonna keep the lie thing going?
GEORGE: (pause) Yeah, I guess I’ll have to. So how’d your night turn out?
JERRY: Bad. Newman blew my cover and Elaine ran off with Gordon. In the past hour I’ve lost fifteen hundred bucks and gotten divorced.
GEORGE: Well, Jerry, once I finish designing the new addition to the Trump Tower I’ll lend you the money.
JERRY: You have to wake up from fantasy land first. Hey look, they’re announcing the award winners.
JERRY: The most changed, and most unchanged person after twenty years. I think Kennedy High does these at every reunion.
CUT TO: LADY IN FRONT OF MICROPHONE
LADY: We know you’ve been waiting for this all night! It’s time to announce the most unchanged person since high school!
LADY: And the person who you all think has changed the least since we graduated twenty years ago is….Kramer!
CUT TO: JERRY AND GEORGE
CUT TO: KRAMER APPROACHING THE MICROPHONE
KRAMER: (talking into the microphone) Wow. What an honor. I never knew how much I missed all you guys until I got back here and saw you. You’ve made this one of the best nights of my life. Thank you. Go class of seventy-one!
A few people in the crowd shout “seventy-two”
He leaves the microphone…the lady approaches it
LADY: And now it’s time to announce the person who’s changed the most since graduating high school.
CUT TO: JERRY AND GEORGE
JERRY: I know who’s winning this one.
GEORGE: (Smug) Me?
JERRY: No, not you. Didn’t you hear about Pat Fryer?
GEORGE: No- what about him?
CUT TO: LADY AT MICROPHONE
LADY: … And the winner is…Pat Fryer! (Applause)
CUT TO: JERRY AND GEORGE
JERRY: (amidst applause) He got a sex change.
George sees Pat Fryer approaching the microphone
GEORGE: Oh my GOD! Patricia!!!!!
JERRY: (disgustedly) Oh my God.
CUT TO: PATRICIA AT MICROPHONE
PATRICIA: I want to dedicate this to the one person here who has truly accepted me for who I now am. In fact, we’re going on a date in a few days. He’s the nicest man you’ll meet here…his name is George Costanza and he’s standing right over there.
People turn and look at George.
CAMER ZOOMS IN ON GEORGE’S FACE