GROCERY STORE

Author: peerless baun

ZOOM OUT TO GROCERY STORE WITH GRAND OPENING SIGN IN JERRY'S NEIGHBORHOOD

PARKING LOT

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WALKING, GEORGE GRABS A CART

JERRY

What are you doing, just get a cart inside?

GEORGE

No way, the prime carts are out here my friend.

JERRY

Whatta you mean?

GEORGE

Whenever I go inside I get stuck with that one cart where the wheel doesn't quite turn and it makes that little sound, you know rree rree rree.

JERRY

But that ones all wet.

GEORGE

Trust me, it's worth it.

INSIDE

JERRY SEES KRAMER BY A COINSTAR MACHINE, WITH A 50-GALLON DRUM

JERRY

What's with the drum?

KRAMER

Oh, Newman tells me these things cheat you out of change, I'm here to expose.

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

Expose Jerry, expose!

GEORGE

I've tried it before it seemed to work fine.

JERRY

That's because it does.

KRAMER

Sure, with small amounts of change, the big bucks, that's where it gets you. I'm counting one by one, they'll slip, you watch.

JERRY

All right see you later.

KRAMER

Yeah, two fifty-eight, two fifty-nine.

GEORGE HEADS DOWN AN ISLE WHILE JERRY HEADS TOWARD THE BATHROOMS

GEORGE LEAVES HIS CART TO GRAB SOME CHEF BOYARDEE PASTA; A STORE EMPLOYEE GRABS HIS CART AND WALKS AWAY. GEORGE LOOKS UP TO SEE WHERE IT WENT AND HE'S GONE

GEORGE

(MOANING)

Whoahoho!

GEORGE WALKS TO THE FRONT TO GRAB A NEW CART, SEES KRAMER

GEORGE

So how's it goin'?

KRAMER

Aww so far its exact, I'm having doubts you know.

GEORGE

Hang in there.

GEORGE GRABS THE LAST CART, AS HE WALKS IT IS JERKING TO THE LEFT, RREE RREE RREE

GEORGE

You see this?

KRAMER

Oh yeah, rree rree rree, I get mine outside.

GEORGE

So do I!

BATHROOM

JERRY THINKS TO HIMSELF

JERRY

"This is a really nice bathroom, they have everything and it's all automatic. The toilet can flush itself even if you’re forty feet away, the hand dryer has different temperature settings, the store can afford all this, but not a single clock"

AS JERRY EXITS THE REST ROOMS HE BUMPS INTO ELAINE

JERRY

Hey.

ELAINE

I'm not that impressed; all this place has is food.

JERRY

(PAUSING WITH A STARE)

"GROCERY STORE".

ELAINE

I know but.

INTERRUPTED BY SAME STORE EMPLOYEE IN GEORGE'S INCIDENT

EMPLOYEE

Excuse me miss, you've been standing around for about a half-an- hour and you don't plan on buying anything do you?

ELAINE

I'm just looking.

EMPLOYEE

I'm not sure where you shop normally but we encourage purchasing here.

ELAINE

Well maybe I'll take my business elsewhere.

EMPLOYEE

No, I don't think so.

ELAINE

What?

EMPLOYEE

You can't resist a grand opening, why don't you get yourself a cart?

ELAINE

All right.

JERRY STILL LOOKING AT THE BATHROOM TRAILS A FEW SECONDS BEHIND

ELAINE AND JERRY BOTH THINKING TO THEMSELVES

JERRY

"I should speed up, I don't like trailing behind"

ELAINE

"Should I slow down, he's a little behind"

JERRY

"Naw if I catch up people would take me as some kind of a speed walker, to good to walk at a normal pace"

ELAINE

"Why doesn't he just speed up?"

ELAINE STOPS AND JERRY SPEEDS UP PAST HER, THEN THEY WALK TOGETHER AS THOUGH NOTHING HAD HAPPENED

AISLE

GEORGE IS PUSHING HIS CART, KNOCKING OVER DISPLAYS, BUMPING INTO PEOPLE, USING HIS ENTIRE BODY TO STEER

GEORGE

It's not my fault, the wheel sticks.

OLD LADY

Maniac!

GEORGE

I'm not making it up, listen to the rree rree rree, you can't fake an rree rree rree!

GEORGE SEES HIS GOOD CART

GEORGE

That's my good cart!

EMPLOYEE

This was abandoned.

GEORGE

No really, it's my cart.

EMPLOYEE

Maybe at one time.

GEORGE

Can I have it back?

EMPLOYEE

Sorry, a man over at the coinstar requested it.

GEORGE

We'll see about this.

COINSTAR

JERRY AND ELAINE PASS KRAMER

JERRY

You know what I'm just gonna go ring my milk up and go.

KRAMER

I'm starving, I'm gonna go over to the deli and get a sandwich, Elaine can you watch my coins?

ELAINE

Su-

KRAMER IS ALREADY GONE

CHECKOUT

JERRY PUTS HIS MILK ON THE BELT. THE MAN IN FRONT OF HIM PUTS DOWN THE DIVIDER.

JERRY

Excuse me, why the divider?

SHOPPER

Pardon?

JERRY

It's just that, my item was not that close to your goods, I don't see the problem.

SHOPPER

The problem is I don't want the clerk to ring it up on my bill.

JERRY

You don't think I'd stop them?

SHOPPER

No.

JERRY

So you're saying I would let you pay for my milk then just take off screaming and jumping with joy that I scammed you into buying my milk?

SHOPPER

That's right.

JERRY PAUSES

HE GRABS A FIVE OUT OF HIS WALLET AND THROWS IT ONTO THE BELT, THEN GRABS THE GUYS POTATO CHIPS ALONG WITH HIS MILK AND RUNS OUT OF THE STORE

JERRY

(FROM A DISTANCE)

Where's your divider now?!

ELAINE IS WATCHING THE COINSTAR AS THE EMPLOYEE FOLLOWED BY GEORGE APPROACHES

ELAINE

(THINKING)

"what is that sound?"

RREE RREE RREE

ELAINE

Make that sound stop!

RREE RREE RREE

ELAINE TURNS SHARPLY KNOCKING COINS INTO THE MACHINE

KRAMER RETURNS TO SEE THIS

KRAMER

What are you doing? Did you keep count?

ELAINE GIVES A DISCOURAGING LOOK

KRAMER

Ruined, I'm ruined!

(OVER-DRAMATIZED)

Why, Whhhhhyyyyyy!

ELAINE

(BITING HER LIP)

rree rree rree.

MUSIC PLAYS OUT