The Grass Skirt

A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz

2003

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING. LAUNDRY ROOM.

JERRY IS USING THE DRIER. JUDY ENTERS. SHE'S AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE.

SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE PHOEBE CATES.

JUDY

Mind if I use the washer?

JERRY

Go right ahead.

JUDY

Thank you.

JERRY

Y'know, if I stare long enough at my washing going round,

I swear I can see Tom Brokaw in there.

JUDY

(LAUGHS) If he starts reading the news, I'm outta here.

JERRY

Jerry Seinfeld. Apartment 5A.

JUDY

Judy Lovitz. Apartment 3b.

JERRY

3b? Mrs Berkowitz's old place? Such a shame what happened to her.

JUDY

Dying peacefully in her sleep at 93? We should all be so lucky.

JERRY

I suppose so.

JUDY

Know what they found in her personal effects? A signed photo of JFK.

'To Maudey, for all your help, love JFK.'

JERRY

'For all your help?' What you suppose that meant?

JUDY

I'm guessing it wasn't for advice on the Cuban Missile Crisis...

JERRY

So you think they...

JUDY

Why not, he did everyone else.

JERRY

Boy, I wish I'd got to know her better.

JUDY

It's not too late, she's still on ice down the city morgue.

JERRY'S DRY CYCLE ENDS. HE POPS THE DOOR.

OUT FALL A LARGE PAIR OF NEWMAN'S UNDERPANTS. JUDY PICKS THEM UP.

JUDY

Wow!

SHE HURRIES OUT.

JERRY

No! No! They're not mine! They're not mine!

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY AND ELAINE.

JERRY

We were getting along great. Joking. Flirting. She was smiling.

I was imagining her naked. Things were really clicking.

ELAINE

Uh huh. Was there eye contact?

JERRY

There was eye contact.

ELAINE

Cosmo magazine says eye contact is very important in the first stages of a relationship.

No eye contact - blah! - forget about it.

JERRY

Well if Cosmo magazine says so it must be true.

ELAINE

No eye contact. You're not getting any.

JERRY

That's good to know, Dr Ruth. Could I tell my story now?

ELAINE

Knock yourself out.

JERRY

So I open the drier and Newman's underpants fall out.

ELAINE

What are you doing washing Newman's underpants?

JERRY

Well obviously they got in my laundry by mistake.

ELAINE

What did Judy do?

JERRY

She held them up and said 'wow'.

ELAINE

Wow? Just wow?

JERRY

Just wow. Then she left.

ELAINE

Good wow or a bad wow?

JERRY

Elaine, they were Newman's underpants. What kinda wow do you think?

'Wow, these are sexy.' or Wow, these are the size of Kansas.'

ELAINE

How big are we talking here?

JERRY

Lemme put it this way.

Run 'em up a yacht mast and you'd cross the Pacific in no time flat.

ELAINE

Wow.

JERRY

Exactly.

ELAINE

Did you explain they weren't yours?

JERRY

I didn't get the chance.

But if she thinks they were mine, she's very much mistaken.

ELAINE

I had a similar experience. Doing a dry cycle, I found a pair of my room-mate Tina's crotchless panties in with my stuff.

JERRY

What happened?

ELAINE

Word got out that they were mine,

I ended up with about a dozen guys asking me out on dates. Some of them kinda cute.

JERRY

What happened when they found out you didn't wear crotchless panties?

ELAINE

Who said anything about not wearing them....

JERRY

Wow.

ELAINE SMILES, SHOWING ALL HER TEETH. SHE DOES THAT ODD BOBBING SHOULDER MOTION.

JERRY

What am I going to do about Judy?

ELAINE

If you like her, knock on her door and explain.

JERRY

Or I could invite her to my apartment.

She could find me walking around in my underwear so she'll see the others weren't my size. I'll invite Newman too.

Sort of compare and contrast.

ELAINE

Y'know, Jerome, you've done some stupid things, but this transcends stupidity.

This enters the realm of the imbecile. You're turning into George.

INT. MONK'S.

GEORGE AND KRAMER SIT OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.

KRAMER

George, do you ever feel hollow?

GEORGE

Sometimes. If I haven't eaten for a while.

KRAMER

Spiritually empty. Like a void inside.

GEORGE

I ate a bad clam once. That sure emptied me.

KRAMER

How do you fill this void, George?

GEORGE

Pizza?

KRAMER

Spiritually nourish.

GEORGE

Extra toppings?

KRAMER

Do you believe in a God?

GEORGE

Not so much. The way He's been sticking it to me lately.

KRAMER

George...

GEORGE

All my life I've never got a break. One lousy break. Is that too much to ask?

KRAMER

Why d'you think God believes in punishment, George?

GEORGE

We're sinners?

KRAMER

We're suckers. What's so wrong with sating our desires, our needs, our wants?

GEORGE

I got wants. Not so many needs. But I got a heap of wants.

KRAMER

And what prevents you getting these wants?

GEORGE

The economy?

KRAMER

God.

GEORGE

That guy's really sticking it to me!

KRAMER

How would you like a religion that lets you do what you like. Never punishes you.

You can eat, drink and make merry. Even covet your neighbour's ass. No comebacks.

GEORGE

That would be terrific. But where do I find a religion like that?

KRAMER

Right here, buddy. The Church of Kramerica.

GEORGE

The Church of Kramerica? You've started your own religion?

KRAMER

Bless you, my son.

INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE.

ELAINE AND PETERMAN.

ELAINE

You wanted to see me, Mr Peterman?

PETERMAN

Yes, Elaine. Sit down. Have you done something new with your hair?

ELAINE

No, sir.

PETERMAN

Must be a trick of the light. Tricky thing, light. I once thought I saw a fully grown grizzly bear in my bedroom, but it turned out to be a simple trick of the light.

ELAINE

What was it you wanted, sir?

PETERMAN

The urban ethnic dress, Elaine. I've bought a consignment from Africa.

I want you to head up the sales division.

PETERMAN SHOWS ELAINE THE URBAN ETHNIC DRESS.

IT'S A GRASS SKIRT.

ELAINE

Sir, uh, that's a grass skirt.

PETERMAN

An urban ethnic dress, Elaine.

ELAINE

But basically it's a skirt made from grass.

PETERMAN

I knew I could count on you to cut straight to the crux of the matter.

I want to see all the women in the city wearing these for the summer.

If the trend catches on, we can go nationwide in the Fall.

ELAINE

Sir, I don't think ---

PETERMAN

Dismissed, Elaine.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY HAS INVITED NEWMAN AND JUDY OVER. JERRY IS IN SHIRT AND BOXER SHORTS.

NEWMAN IS STUFFING HIMSELF WITH PIZZA.

JERRY

Can't you use a napkin?

NEWMAN

Napkins? What are they?

JERRY

Well, here we are, hanging out together.

NEWMAN

Speaking of hanging out, you gonna put some pants on?

JERRY

Mebbe later.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JERRY OPENS IT.

JUDY LOOKS AT JERRY'S BOXERS, THEN NOTICES NEWMAN.

SHE JUMPS TO THE WRONG CONCLUSION - COUPLA GAY BOYS.

JUDY

Wow.

JUDY EXITS

JERRY

No! Judy, wait! It's not what you think!

NEWMAN

You got any ketchup?

JERRY

Get out of my apartment.

INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.

KRAMER HAS INSTALLED A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH.

HE IS ONE SIDE OF THE GRILLE, BRAD, A BURLY CONSTRUCTION WORKER, IS ON THE OTHER.

BRAD

So what you're saying is I can drink, gamble and sleep around as much as I like and God won't punish me for it?

KRAMER

Won't lay a finger on you, buddy. Not in the Church of Kramerica.

BRAD

No penance, no Hail Mary's? No purgatory?

KRAMER

Nope.

BRAD

Even if I blow the kid's college fund in Atlantic City?

KRAMER

You're forgiven, brother.

BRAD

How do I join the Church of Kramerica?

KRAMER

Donations with Brother Costanza at the door. Dollars cash only. No cheques.

INT. CORRIDOR BETWEEN JERRY'S AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS.

THERE IS A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE WAITING TO ENTER THE BOOTH.

GEORGE, IN A BLACK ROBE, IS COUNTING A THICK WAD OF CASH.

JERRY ARRIVES.

JERRY

George? What's going on? Who are all these people?

GEORGE

They're followers, Jerry. And I am no longer George.

I am Brother Costanza, chief discipile of the Church of Kramerica.

JERRY

Kramer! I knew it.

GEORGE

That's Brother Kramer.

JERRY

Are you crazy?

GEORGE

I've never been saner, Jerry. All my life I've suppressed my deepest, darkest, vilest desires. Now they're flooding out of me every which way. The creed of the Church of Kramerica is : If it makes you feel good, do it - the hell with the consequences!

JERRY

That's some creed.

GEORGE

It's the best there is, my friend. I'm doing stuff I would never have dreamed of doing before. I'm ogling women now.

JERRY

You've always ogled women.

GEORGE

No, I used to take a peek then look away quickly in case they spotted me.

Now I just stare right at them. I even complimented a woman on her breasts.

JERRY

What'd she do?

GEORGE

She slapped my face and called the cops.

But the point is the old George wouldn't have said a word.

JERRY

I liked the old George.

GEORGE

Well he's dead, Jerry. Brother Costanza buried him.

KRAMER ARRIVES

KRAMER

Hey, buddy. How's the donations going?

GEORGE

500 bucks and rising, Brother Kramer.

KRAMER

Giddyup.

JERRY

You both realise this will end badly?

KRAMER

Oh ye of little faith. Join us, Jerry. Become part of the Church of Kramerica.

JERRY

No, thank you. I'd like to hang on to my sanity a little while longer.

INT. MONK'S.

JERRY IS ALONE AT A BOOTH.

ELAINE ENTERS. SHE IS WEARING A GRASS SKIRT AND DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY ABOUT IT.

JERRY

Well well, if it isn't Sheena, Queen of the Jungle.

ELAINE

Very funny. I tell ya, this grass skirt is a nightmare.

I've been all over 5th Avenue.

Not a single store is interested in the Urban Ethnic Dress. It's a total bust.

JERRY

Well, decaying foliage is a very passe look this season.

ELAINE

Plus I think the grass has still got some kinda African insects living in it.

I'm itching like crazy in places a lady doesn't like to be seen scratching.

JERRY

So what are you going to do?

ELAINE

Burn it. Then get some balm for the rash.

GEORGE ENTERS, STILL IN HIS ROBE.

GEORGE

Greetings, my children.

ELAINE

You're not still doing the religious nonsense?

GEORGE

It might be nonsense to you, Elaine. But to thousands the Church of Kramerica is the practicing religion of choice. We got so many members now we're thinking of relocating.

JERRY

I'm pleased to hear it. Perhaps I can get some sleep.

GEORGE

You've got a great butt, Elaine.

ELAINE

What?

GEORGE

I said you have a nice, shapely butt.

ELAINE

George, are you looking for a smack in the mouth?

JERRY

It's the Church of Kramerica. He's lost all his social inhibitions.

GEORGE

Jerry, your comedy routines are kinda stale.

Write some new stuff, freshen it up a bit. I hope you don't mind me saying.

JERRY

I do mind you saying.

GEORGE

Brother Costanza, he does what he likes - the hell with the consequences.

WAITRESS ARRIVES

GEORGE

I'd like the meatloaf, cheesecake and coffee - extra strong with cream and sugar.

And you've got wonderful breasts.

WAITRESS SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE.

GEORGE

Bless you, my child.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NYC.

A GROUP OF PRIESTS SIT ON A BENCH. PROTESTANT, CATHOLIC, A BUDDHIST AND A RABBI.

RABBI

I trust we're all here for the same reason?

PROTESTANT

This blasted Church of Kramerica. It's got to be stopped.

CATHOLIC

It's run by a Cosmo Kramer. What kinda fruity name is Cosmo?

BUDDHIST

There are no names, only the one true and merciful God.

RABBI

Frankie, will ya cut the mumbo-jumbo, we're not a bunch of rubes.

BUDDHIST

Sorry, force of habit. I say we bust this guy's chops.

PROTESTANT

Something must be done. If people think they can do as they like

and get away with it we're in big trouble.

RABBI

I say we send some boys round, lean on this Cosmo guy.

CATHOLIC

Why you all looking at me? I'm catholic so I must know some gangsters? Baloney.

PROTESTANT

Aren't they called wise guys?

CATHOLIC

You're the goddamn wiseguy.

BUDDHIST

We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.

PROTESTANT

Isn't that the lyric from 'Hotel California' by the Eagles?

BUDDHIST

Oh right, yeah. I got the CD in my Mercedes.

RABBI

A Buddhist drives a Mercedes? Oy oy oy, all I got's a lousy Buick.

CATHOLIC

We don't need violence. I checked. This Church of Kramerica isn't licenced.

PROTESTANT

You need a licence to worship God?

CATHOLIC

Sure. Even the Moonies know that. We got him dead to rights.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

ELAINE ENTERS. SHE'S PROPERLY DRESSED, SMOKIN A BIG CIGAR.

SHE LOOKS VERY PLEASED WITH HERSELF.

JERRY

What happened to you?

ELAINE

Remember I said I was gonna burn that grass skirt?

JERRY

Uh huh. Kill the bugs.

ELAINE

Turns out the urban ethnic dress is made from cannabis plants.

JERRY

Pot? The grass skirt really is grass.

ELAINE

Ironic, huh? Here's the best bit. Peterman promoted me. I saved his ass.

He could've gone to jail for drug smuggling. I'm the new senior vice president.

JERRY

Hence the cigar.

ELAINE

I love my stogie.

JERRY

I got some good news too. Judy and I sorted our differences out.

I explained things and we're gonna meet up tonight.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY AND JUDY ARE ON THE COUCH, GETTING HOT AND HEAVY.

JUDY

I'm glad we worked things out, Jerry.

JERRY

Me too.

SMOOCH

JUDY

I was attracted to you the first time I saw you.

JERRY

And me you. You remind me of Lana Lang.

JUDY

I've no idea who Lana Lang is, but she sounds hot.

JERRY

Superman thought so.

THEY KISS AND TUG AT EACH OTHERS CLOTHES.

SOUND OF COMMOTION OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

JUDY

What's that noise?

JERRY

Ignore it.

JUDY

Jerry...

JERRY

Alright, alright.

JERRY OPENS THE DOOR.

KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE BEING DRAGGED AWAY BY THE POLICE.

KRAMER

Jerry! They're shutting down the Church of Kramerica!

JERRY

That's a shame.

GEORGE

Jerry, you gotta help us! We're being arrested for worshipping without a licence!

JERRY

Sorry, George, But you know what they say - I'll do what I want, and the hell with the consequences.

GEORGE

No-oo-oo-oo!

KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE TAKEN AWAY.

****THE END****