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The Grass Skirt
A Seinfeld fan's script
by Pjazz
2003
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
BUILDING. LAUNDRY ROOM.
JERRY IS USING THE
DRIER. JUDY ENTERS. SHE'S AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE.
SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE
PHOEBE CATES.
JUDY
Mind if I use the
washer?
JERRY
Go right ahead.
JUDY
Thank you.
JERRY
Y'know, if I stare long
enough at my washing going round,
I swear I can see Tom
Brokaw in there.
JUDY
(LAUGHS) If he starts
reading the news, I'm outta here.
JERRY
Jerry Seinfeld.
Apartment 5A.
JUDY
Judy Lovitz. Apartment
3b.
JERRY
3b? Mrs Berkowitz's old
place? Such a shame what happened to her.
JUDY
Dying peacefully in her
sleep at 93? We should all be so lucky.
JERRY
I suppose so.
JUDY
Know what they found in
her personal effects? A signed photo of JFK.
'To Maudey, for all your
help, love JFK.'
JERRY
'For all your help?'
What you suppose that meant?
JUDY
I'm guessing it wasn't
for advice on the Cuban Missile Crisis...
JERRY
So you think they...
JUDY
Why not, he did everyone
else.
JERRY
Boy, I wish I'd got to
know her better.
JUDY
It's not too late, she's
still on ice down the city morgue.
JERRY'S DRY CYCLE ENDS.
HE POPS THE DOOR.
OUT FALL A LARGE PAIR OF
NEWMAN'S UNDERPANTS. JUDY PICKS THEM UP.
JUDY
Wow!
SHE HURRIES OUT.
JERRY
No! No! They're not
mine! They're not mine!
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ELAINE.
JERRY
We were getting along
great. Joking. Flirting. She was smiling.
I was imagining her
naked. Things were really clicking.
ELAINE
Uh huh. Was there eye
contact?
JERRY
There was eye contact.
ELAINE
Cosmo magazine says eye
contact is very important in the first stages of a relationship.
No eye contact - blah! -
forget about it.
JERRY
Well if Cosmo magazine
says so it must be true.
ELAINE
No eye contact. You're
not getting any.
JERRY
That's good to know, Dr
Ruth. Could I tell my story now?
ELAINE
Knock yourself out.
JERRY
So I open the drier and
Newman's underpants fall out.
ELAINE
What are you doing
washing Newman's underpants?
JERRY
Well obviously they got
in my laundry by mistake.
ELAINE
What did Judy do?
JERRY
She held them up and
said 'wow'.
ELAINE
Wow? Just wow?
JERRY
Just wow. Then she left.
ELAINE
Good wow or a bad wow?
JERRY
Elaine, they were
Newman's underpants. What kinda wow do you think?
'Wow, these are sexy.'
or Wow, these are the size of Kansas.'
ELAINE
How big are we talking
here?
JERRY
Lemme put it this way.
Run 'em up a yacht mast
and you'd cross the Pacific in no time flat.
ELAINE
Wow.
JERRY
Exactly.
ELAINE
Did you explain they
weren't yours?
JERRY
I didn't get the chance.
But if she thinks they
were mine, she's very much mistaken.
ELAINE
I had a similar
experience. Doing a dry cycle, I found a pair of my room-mate Tina's crotchless
panties in with my stuff.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Word got out that they
were mine,
I ended up with about a
dozen guys asking me out on dates. Some of them kinda cute.
JERRY
What happened when they
found out you didn't wear crotchless panties?
ELAINE
Who said anything about
not wearing them....
JERRY
Wow.
ELAINE SMILES, SHOWING
ALL HER TEETH. SHE DOES THAT ODD BOBBING SHOULDER MOTION.
JERRY
What am I going to do
about Judy?
ELAINE
If you like her, knock
on her door and explain.
JERRY
Or I could invite her to
my apartment.
She could find me
walking around in my underwear so she'll see the others weren't my size. I'll
invite Newman too.
Sort of compare and
contrast.
ELAINE
Y'know, Jerome, you've
done some stupid things, but this transcends stupidity.
This enters the realm of
the imbecile. You're turning into George.
INT. MONK'S.
GEORGE AND KRAMER SIT
OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.
KRAMER
George, do you ever feel
hollow?
GEORGE
Sometimes. If I haven't
eaten for a while.
KRAMER
Spiritually empty. Like
a void inside.
GEORGE
I ate a bad clam once.
That sure emptied me.
KRAMER
How do you fill this
void, George?
GEORGE
Pizza?
KRAMER
Spiritually nourish.
GEORGE
Extra toppings?
KRAMER
Do you believe in a God?
GEORGE
Not so much. The way
He's been sticking it to me lately.
KRAMER
George...
GEORGE
All my life I've never
got a break. One lousy break. Is that too much to ask?
KRAMER
Why d'you think God
believes in punishment, George?
GEORGE
We're sinners?
KRAMER
We're suckers. What's so
wrong with sating our desires, our needs, our wants?
GEORGE
I got wants. Not so many
needs. But I got a heap of wants.
KRAMER
And what prevents you
getting these wants?
GEORGE
The economy?
KRAMER
God.
GEORGE
That guy's really
sticking it to me!
KRAMER
How would you like a
religion that lets you do what you like. Never punishes you.
You can eat, drink and
make merry. Even covet your neighbour's ass. No comebacks.
GEORGE
That would be terrific.
But where do I find a religion like that?
KRAMER
Right here, buddy. The
Church of Kramerica.
GEORGE
The Church of Kramerica?
You've started your own religion?
KRAMER
Bless you, my son.
INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE.
ELAINE AND PETERMAN.
ELAINE
You wanted to see me, Mr
Peterman?
PETERMAN
Yes, Elaine. Sit down.
Have you done something new with your hair?
ELAINE
No, sir.
PETERMAN
Must be a trick of the
light. Tricky thing, light. I once thought I saw a fully grown grizzly bear in
my bedroom, but it turned out to be a simple trick of the light.
ELAINE
What was it you wanted,
sir?
PETERMAN
The urban ethnic dress,
Elaine. I've bought a consignment from Africa.
I want you to head up
the sales division.
PETERMAN SHOWS ELAINE
THE URBAN ETHNIC DRESS.
IT'S A GRASS SKIRT.
ELAINE
Sir, uh, that's a grass
skirt.
PETERMAN
An urban ethnic dress,
Elaine.
ELAINE
But basically it's a
skirt made from grass.
PETERMAN
I knew I could count on
you to cut straight to the crux of the matter.
I want to see all the
women in the city wearing these for the summer.
If the trend catches on,
we can go nationwide in the Fall.
ELAINE
Sir, I don't think ---
PETERMAN
Dismissed, Elaine.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY HAS INVITED NEWMAN
AND JUDY OVER. JERRY IS IN SHIRT AND BOXER SHORTS.
NEWMAN IS STUFFING
HIMSELF WITH PIZZA.
JERRY
Can't you use a napkin?
NEWMAN
Napkins? What are they?
JERRY
Well, here we are,
hanging out together.
NEWMAN
Speaking of hanging out,
you gonna put some pants on?
JERRY
Mebbe later.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JERRY
OPENS IT.
JUDY LOOKS AT JERRY'S
BOXERS, THEN NOTICES NEWMAN.
SHE JUMPS TO THE WRONG
CONCLUSION - COUPLA GAY BOYS.
JUDY
Wow.
JUDY EXITS
JERRY
No! Judy, wait! It's not
what you think!
NEWMAN
You got any ketchup?
JERRY
Get out of my apartment.
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.
KRAMER HAS INSTALLED A
CONFESSIONAL BOOTH.
HE IS ONE SIDE OF THE
GRILLE, BRAD, A BURLY CONSTRUCTION WORKER, IS ON THE OTHER.
BRAD
So what you're saying is
I can drink, gamble and sleep around as much as I like and God won't punish me
for it?
KRAMER
Won't lay a finger on
you, buddy. Not in the Church of Kramerica.
BRAD
No penance, no Hail
Mary's? No purgatory?
KRAMER
Nope.
BRAD
Even if I blow the kid's
college fund in Atlantic City?
KRAMER
You're forgiven,
brother.
BRAD
How do I join the Church
of Kramerica?
KRAMER
Donations with Brother
Costanza at the door. Dollars cash only. No cheques.
INT. CORRIDOR BETWEEN
JERRY'S AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS.
THERE IS A LONG LINE OF
PEOPLE WAITING TO ENTER THE BOOTH.
GEORGE, IN A BLACK ROBE,
IS COUNTING A THICK WAD OF CASH.
JERRY ARRIVES.
JERRY
George? What's going on?
Who are all these people?
GEORGE
They're followers,
Jerry. And I am no longer George.
I am Brother Costanza,
chief discipile of the Church of Kramerica.
JERRY
Kramer! I knew it.
GEORGE
That's Brother Kramer.
JERRY
Are you crazy?
GEORGE
I've never been saner,
Jerry. All my life I've suppressed my deepest, darkest, vilest desires. Now
they're flooding out of me every which way. The creed of the Church of
Kramerica is : If it makes you feel good, do it - the hell with the
consequences!
JERRY
That's some creed.
GEORGE
It's the best there is,
my friend. I'm doing stuff I would never have dreamed of doing before. I'm
ogling women now.
JERRY
You've always ogled
women.
GEORGE
No, I used to take a
peek then look away quickly in case they spotted me.
Now I just stare right at
them. I even complimented a woman on her breasts.
JERRY
What'd she do?
GEORGE
She slapped my face and
called the cops.
But the point is the old
George wouldn't have said a word.
JERRY
I liked the old George.
GEORGE
Well he's dead, Jerry.
Brother Costanza buried him.
KRAMER ARRIVES
KRAMER
Hey, buddy. How's the
donations going?
GEORGE
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