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Four Ply
THE FOUR PLY
BY: DAVID ADLER
SCENE - COFFEE SHOP
JERRY
Look at this guy with the umbrella. It's not even raining.
GEORGE
The guy on Channel 5, Waldo, he said that it was supposed to be like, a 30% chance of rain today.
KRAMER
I love Waldo. He's hilarious. With that cape. (Kramer takes a piece of tissue from his pocket and blows his nose.) Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah (Delivered in a very salacious way.)
JERRY
Having a good time?
KRAMER
Oh. You've got to feel this, Jerry. Four-ply. It's like blowing your nose with a mink...uh,...
JERRY
Stole?
KRAMER
No, I paid for it.
GEORGE
What is that, toilet paper?
KRAMER
Yeah, but it's new. Just came out today. Four-ply. Yeah, I'm off two-ply. That stuff's like sand-paper. I can't work with that. Here, Jerry. Feel it. Feel this.
JERRY
I don't want to feel it.
KRAMER
Come on.
GEORGE
Wow. Soft.
JERRY
Very soft. Very nice.
KRAMER
I got a whole case. Here. Take this. I can spare it. (Kramer reaches into his jacket and produces a role of toilet paper. He thrusts it at Jerry)
JERRY
Get that away from me.
KRAMER
What's the matter with you?
JERRY
Soap, mouthwash, even a tube of toothpaste. If it's been in the bathroom with you, I don't want it anywhere near me.
GEORGE
You know, weathermen are like the stand-up comedians of the news business. And they all draw. They're all artists. The sun with the smiley-face, that's a weatherman.
JERRY
Why do people even care about the weather? It's not like we're farmers. This isn't an agrarian society. And it's either raining or it's not raining. What's with this 30% chance of rain? So seven out of ten times the Teddy Bears have their picnic. What, am I betting on a race horse here? Like I need odds on if I can go out in suede.
KRAMER
You know if it weren't for clouds, it would be sunny all the time.
JERRY
Great. Great insight professor.
GEORGE
Is that true?
JERRY
What? About clouds?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Are you aware of what a cloud is?
GEORGE
Yeah. So what?
JERRY
So clouds block out the sun. That's what they do. What do you think God's up there holding a little parasol?
GEORGE
Alright. OK. I didn't know.
(Kramer throws some money down on the table.)
GEORGE
What is that? That's...20%.
KRAMER
I raised my tipping scale. Inflation, you know. Cost of living. We can't keep tipping the same thing. It's antediluvian.
GEORGE
But it's fifteen percent. That's the tip. That's what a tip is. Fifteen-percent.
KRAMER
Fifteen-percent. I was tipping that 30 years ago. Do you know what 15% was 30 years ago? People tipping one cent for a cup of coffee. Five cents for a slice of pie. Bunch of wavy haired, knee sock wearing, cheapskates.
GEORGE
What, you're tipping 20% too?
JERRY
Well I don't want to be the low-tipper.
KRAMER
(To George) You're it.
GEORGE
Oh, so now I'm the low tipper.
KRAMER
Come on. It's only, what, fifty cents. You know what? Twenty's not enough. I'm tipping 25.
GEORGE
Yeah, fifty-cents here, fifty cents there. Soon you're sending them to the Catskills for the summer.
JERRY
What'd you just watch Dirty Dancing or something? Nobody goes to the Catskills any more.
GEORGE
Oh, so you're saying the whole region's deserted?
JERRY
Well, more than 15%.
GEORGE
Twelve percent! That's what I've always tipped, and that's what I'll tip till the day I die.
JERRY
I thought you said 15%?
GEORGE
It's a sliding scale.
JERRY
I'd say with you it's more like a bottomless pit. You know tipping's a slippery slope. It's like the constitution. You start taking away percents, you start moving towards complete tipping anarchy.
KRAMER
12%. Get out of here.
GEORGE
Thirteen, OK. I've made my decision. Twelve percent. That's final.
JERRY
Alright, I gotta get going. I've gotta go buy a birthday present for Allison. We're going out for dinner tonight. Her birthday was last week and I didn't get her anything. Now when I'm around her, I feel like I've got a time-bomb strapped to my chest. If I don't have a present on the table by coffee, I'm gonna be cutting wires.
GEORGE
Time bomb? Do you have to say time bomb? Like there's any other kind of bomb? Like I didn't know that's what you were talking about.
JERRY
What's the difference between thunder and lightning?
GEORGE
I'm feeling the heat!
KRAMER
You're going for a birthday present? What are you getting?
JERRY
I don't know. She collects antiques. I'm gonna go down to 54th street. They've got a lot of those old, mom and pop stores around there.
KRAMER
Count me in.
JERRY
George. You want to come?
GEORGE
No. No. I'm gonna...go for a walk. In the park. Maybe...get a pretzel.
JERRY
Alright.
(George has returned to the table. He doesn't want to be the low-tipper, so he removes part of Kramer and Jerry's tips and places them on his bill.)
SCENE - STREET
ALLISON
George?
GEORGE
Allison!
ALLISON
George, it's so funny that I ran into you.
GEORGE
Really?
ALLISON
Yeah. I was just talking about you yesterday with Jerry.
GEORGE
Nothing bad I hope. Because you can't listen...
ALLISON
Oh, it's such a nice day today. Finally. It's the first time in weeks I've gone out without a sweater.
GEORGE
Yeah, I was just...(Looks over at Allison, who is wearing a low-cut, v-neck top. Right in the middle of her chest, a little bit above her cleavage, is a large birthmark. About the size of a silver dollar. George's eyes are instantly drawn to it, which means they're also instantly drawn to her chest.)
SCENE - ANTIQUE SHOP
JERRY
What do you get someone who collects antiques? It's such a broad field. It's like saying "What do you want for dinner?" "Oh, I don't know. Get me something cooked."
KRAMER
How about this?
JERRY
A card table?
KRAMER
Nice and smooth. Good grain.
JERRY
Great grain. Marvelous grain.
KRAMER
Look at that patina, Jerry. They don't make patinas like that any more. Didn't you say she liked playing cards?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
You weren't telling me that Allison likes cards?
JERRY
No I wasn't.
KRAMER
Then who were you talking about?
JERRY
I never told you anyone likes cards.
KRAMER
Well then who likes cards?
JERRY
I don't know. You?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
What makes something an antique anyway? I think it just has to be made out of wood.
KRAMER
Oh, look at this baby.
JERRY
If you think about it, antiquing is just shopping for people who live in the past. Is there a reason why just because something's old, it's automatically better than anything you can buy today? What about the slide-rule? I don't hear anyone getting too upset with the calculator.
KRAMER
No. No. You don't know what you're talking about. Look at these things. They've got character. Look at this table. Think about what this table's seen. Wars, droughts, stock-market crashes, man landing on the moon.
JERRY
And it's Formica!
KRAMER
Whoa! Look at this baby. An old Royal.
JERRY
Thinking of doing some writing?
KRAMER
You know, Jerry, I've always wanted a type-writer.
JERRY
Couldn't you just write out your manifesto by hand?
KRAMER
When I was a kid I used to have write out all my schoolwork by hand. My parents refused to buy a typewriter. Refused. I always used to forget what hand I wrote with. That's why I failed penmanship. And...everything else. I'm gonna buy this.
JERRY
This place really kills me. Look at these price tags. What are these, suggested prices? Everything is so arbitrary. You know what, there's nothing here. Lets go. I'll just get her something from Bloomingdale's and dip it in tea.
KRAMER
(Looking at the price tag) Fifty-bucks! No way.
JERRY
Fifty-bucks. That's reasonable.
KRAMER
That's highway robbery. I just saw on sale for $29.95 down at Penmans.
JERRY
Was that with, or without the keys?
KRAMER
I'm gonna see what he can do.
JERRY
No. No bargaining.
KRAMER
Why not? They want you to haggle. They love it when you haggle. They live to haggle. I bet this guy has a bumper sticker on his car that says "I'd rather be haggling."
JERRY
I know haggling, and believe me, no one likes to haggle.
KRAMER
What do you know about haggling?
JERRY
Are you kidding? I once had to drag my father out of a restaurant because he was furious the waitress wouldn't come down 10 cents on a cup of coffee. My whole family has a problem with price tags. Have you ever seen my uncle in a supermarket? He looks for damaged fruit. "Look at this, it's bruised. No one's gonna eat this. Why don't you just make me a deal?" He thinks vegetables should be priced by species. "Romaine lettuce, Iceberg lettuce. They're all lettuces."
KRAMER
How much is this type-writer?
MEL
Fifty dollars.
KRAMER
I'll give you twenty-five.
MEL.
The best I can do is forty.
KRAMER
Come on. Forty. I'll tell you what, $35, and you can keep the ribbon.
JERRY
Just take it.
KRAMER
OK. OK. What's the best you can do?
MEL
I just told you. Forty. That's the lowest I can go.
KRAMER
My friend's gonna get that card table over there. What about the pair?
MEL
The table and the typewriter. I'll let you have them both for $150.
KRAMER
Sold.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Jerry, that's a good deal.
JERRY
But I don't want that thing.
KRAMER
That table's two-hundred bucks. He's giving us the pair for $150. This guy doesn't know what he's doing. That means this is, two-hundred less one-fifty,...free. And I got you a good deal too. Now give the man his money.
MEL
Do you want a bag for that?
KRAMER
No. I've got it.
SCENE - RESTAURANT
ALEX
Elaine, this is the best lobster thermidor I've ever had. Where'd you hear about this place?
ELAINE
My friend's parents used to own it. They were forced out.
ALEX
Really. Why?
ELAINE
They got a bad review. They got in a fight with this Times food critic and he absolutely ripped the place apart. Their partners bought them out for a better review.
KELLY
Are you done with that?
ELAINE
Yeah. You can take it.
ALEX
What? Elaine, you barely touched it.
ELAINE
I know, I'm not that hungry.
ALEX
Well, take it home.
ELAINE
Aren't we going to a movie?
ALEX
Yeah.
ELAINE
I don't want to walk around the city carrying a lobster all night. Besides, they don't let you bring anything into the theatre.
ALEX
OK. Well, I'm stuffed.
KELLY
So you don't want this wrapped up?
ELAINE
No. It's OK.
KELLY
Alright.
ALEX
That really was a great dinner.
ELAINE
Will you excuse me a minute. I just have to go freshen up.
(Elaine gets up and leaves the table. As she walks to the bathroom she sees her waitress digging into the plate of food just removed from Elaine's table.)
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
KRAMER
Hey. You're all dressed up.
JERRY
I told you. I'm going out for dinner with Allison.
KRAMER
Here. (Kramer produces a roll of toilet paper and spins of a good 3-4 foot length of plies.) Take this.
JERRY
I told you to get that stuff away from me.
KRAMER
I don't understand you. Here I'm offering you something you've been looking for all your life and you won't take it. Comfort, Jerry. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
JERRY
I'm not taking my own toilet paper.
KRAMER
You know that restaurant stuff is no good. What is it, the brown towels? The wax paper? Those little, tiny, see-through sheets? That's sadistic man! You're gonna be shifting, squirming all night!
JERRY
Alright, that's enough. It's an expensive restaurant. I'm sure they supply their restrooms with their customer's comfort in mind. (Takes the toilet paper) Hey, this is soft.
SCENE - RESTAURANT
ALLISON
That was great biscotti.
JERRY
Best biscotti I've ever had. (Looking a little distracted as he sips his coffee)
ALLISON
The red one, or the blue one?
JERRY
(Mumbling) The red or the blue? Red or the blue? What?
ALLISON
You want the red mint, or the blue one?
JERRY
Oh. Mints.
ALLISON
Jerry, we've got to talk.
JERRY
Wait a second. I think I've got something right here that might change your mind.
ALLISON
What is that?
JERRY
Happy birthday!
ALLISON
Jerry!
JERRY
Open it.
ALLISON
You shouldn't have.
JERRY
I almost never did.
ALLISON
(Shaking the present) Oh. What is it? What is this? A pack of cards?
JERRY
Yeah. And you can use them on your new, old...card table!
ALLISON
You bought me a card table?
JERRY
Yeah.
ALLISON
But I don't play cards. I don't like cards. What made you think I wanted a card table?
JERRY
I know. I know. But it's an antique.
ALLISON
An antique. (Complete mood shift from aggressive to overjoyed) Jerry!
JERRY
I knew you'd like it. I think it's walnut. I tasted it myself. Will you excuse me a second. I've just got to, go to the bathroom.
SCENE - BATHROOM
(Jerry sniffs and looks under one of the stall doors, where there are feet peeking out)
JERRY
Mmm, lilac.
(Jerry enters the bathroom and looks at the stall. He produces the 4-ply toilet paper from his jacket pocket, and looks at the stall again.)
(Cut to: Jerry is in the stall with the door shut. He is just finished zipping and buckling his belt. He goes to depress the lever of the toilet handle, but no flush can be heard. He tries again, but still no luck. The toilet is clogged and will not flush. Quite reluctantly, he exits the stall, looking to make sure no one else is in the washroom to act as a witness to what he's done. But as he washes up and leaves, we notice that the stall next to him is occupied. The other man has heard Jerry leave without flushing.)
JERRY
Four-ply!
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
So she was eating your food?
ELAINE
She was digging in.
JERRY
Are you sure? How do you know it was yours? She probably works there all night. It could have just been her dinner.
ELAINE
It was mine. I made my mashed potatoes into a little castle.
JERRY
You know I don't know what you're so upset about. Once the food leaves your table, that's it. It's not a round-trip ticket. You've signed the contract with the garbage.
ELAINE
I know. But I barely ate anything. There was a good 70% of that lobster left. And it was $24. That's $16 worth of lobster.
JERRY
I noticed you rounded up.
ELAINE
Well I'm trying to make a point here.
JERRY
So what do you want her to do?
ELAINE
She ate it. She should pay for it.
JERRY
But you were finished! It was going in the garbage.
ELAINE
So I treated her to a lobster dinner? Alright. I've gotta use your bathroom. Hey, wait a second. What do you think of this dress? (Holds up a hideous red dress beside her, like a matador holding up a red sheet)
JERRY
Uhh.
ELAINE
Come on. Just tell me.
JERRY
I don't know. Say "ole." (O-lay, like the bullfighter's call. Not "Ole," like "Grand 'Ole Opry.")
ELAINE
It's that bad?
JERRY
What is that on the back? A built in cape? It looks like something out of "The Sun Also Rises."
ELAINE
Alright.
JERRY
What's that noise?
(Jerry gets up and walks to the door. A clackety-clack sound can be heard coming from Kramer's apartment. Jerry knocks on the door. Kramer answers wearing a shirt, vest, and crumpled fedora. He has a chewed cigar in the corner of his mouth.)
JERRY
What's going on in there?
KRAMER
Just the sound of the daily beat, Mac.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Oh, you know, Charlie. The scoop.
JERRY
Is that right?
KRAMER
I'm working on a newsletter for the apartment. Sort of a heads up on what's going on. Maybe a little gossip. Dig up a little dirt, step on a few toes. You know how the newspaper business is.
JERRY
No, I don't. And neither do you.
KRAMER
I got 30 years experience.
JERRY
Really? You've been making those little hats and boats for that long? Listen, I don't care what you do, just keep my name out of it. OK.
KRAMER
But you're a celebrity, Jerry. How can you have a tabloid without celebrity scandal?
JERRY
I thought you said it was a newsletter.
KRAMER
Well, we want to keep up a respectable front. But between you and me. Well, you know the score. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a deadline.
SCENE - STREET
ALEX
I still can't believe it. The first store we go into and they've got the first edition Hemingway. I thought we'd have to go all over the city to find this. You can't believe how lucky this is. I've been looking for a copy for years. The Sun Also Rises. You know, I used to daydream about that bull-fight scene when I was in college? I always wanted to be a matador.
ELAINE
So what happened?
ALEX
You know, there really aren't that many bulls in Connecticut. Oh, look at this. We've still got an hour left on the meter.
ELAINE
They should have a refund policy on these things. Why should you pay for the guy who parks here after you? (Elaine takes out a length of toilet paper and blows her nose.)
ALEX
What is that? Toilet-paper?
ELAINE
Oh, Alex, you have to feel this. It's so soft. It's like blowing your nose with a fur coat.
ALEX
But you hate fur.
ELAINE
A faux fur, uh, coat. I stole it from Jerry's. It's 4 ply.
ALEX
It is soft. Elaine, I think I left my credit card in the store. Could you just run in and see if they've got it?
ELAINE
Sure.
(Elaine enters the book store. She exits onto the street and Alex's car has pulled out of the spot. A new car has pulled in. The woman has exited and is checking the meter.)
ELAINE
(Jokingly) Oh, there's still an hour left. You know, you owe us three dollars.
(The woman turns to face Elaine. It is Kelly, the waitress from the restaurant whom Elaine caught eating her dinner.)
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
ELAINE
First she eats my dinner, then she steals time off MY parking meter. She's living off my leftovers.
JERRY
Well, parking meters are a gamble. It's like fighting in a war, or something. You sacrifice yourself, so that others who come after you can park where they want, how they want, and for however long you leave them.
ELAINE
Don't you think they should have, like, a coin return slot or something? You should get your money back. I mean think of the precedent.
JERRY
Yeah, the Supreme Court should really look into it.
ELAINE
You know what this is? It's stealing! She stole my time. I should have called the police. She should be in jail doing HER time.
JERRY
Hey, you're in here wasting my time all day. Between you, George, and Walter Winchell over there, I'm doing consecutive terms.
ELAINE
Well, I'm telling you. I'm gonna do something. It's not right.
JERRY
Oh, you never get your money back. It's the same thing with the phones and the newspaper boxes. You don't tell them to keep the change, they just do.
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry. What's going on? Elaine!
ELAINE
Hi.
JERRY
Where are you going?
ELAINE
The, uh, bathroom.
JERRY
Again? That's like the third time today.
ELAINE
I know.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
So. What's new? Anything on the down low?
JERRY
No. Everything is, pretty much eye level.
KRAMER
You sure? Nothing's cooking? Nothing's sizzling?
JERRY
What's with all the ink stains?
KRAMER
So, come on. What did you do last night? A big night on the town? Huh. Lots of glitterati and, uh, literati. The bright lights, the hot jazz. The cold soup.
JERRY
I went out for dinner with Allison.
KRAMER
Last name please?
JERRY
Harmer.
KRAMER
Spell that.
JERRY
H-A-R-M-E-R.
KRAMER
Huh. Slower please.
JERRY
H-A-R. M-E-R.
KRAMER
Where'd you go.
JERRY
Sapoto.
KRAMER
Sapoto. Right. Is that one T, or two?
JERRY
One.
KRAMER
Alright. And what about the bathroom? What kind of toilet paper do they have there? Is it the one ply? An upscale place like that, must be at least two ply.
JERRY
That's it. No more questions. I'm sick of all these questions.
KRAMER
Whoa. Looks like I hit a nerve. Or maybe the motherlode.
JERRY
No. No nerve. No lode.
KRAMER
Then answer the question.
JERRY
NO.
KRAMER
Something's not right here. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
JERRY
Get out.
KRAMER
You can't silence the press, Jerry. The people have a right to know.
JERRY
See what I'm living with.
ELAINE
Yeah. So we're going to the coffee shop for lunch. (Elaine blows her nose.)
JERRY
Yeah. Is that my toilet paper?
ELAINE
What? Oh. You were out of Kleenex. Here (hands Jerry a large box of 4 ply tissue) It's, uh, empty.
JERRY
What? I just bought that whole case yesterday. That's like a football field of toilet paper. I'm telling you, that stuff's dangerous. Man was not meant to toy with the bathroom. You know what it used to be like? Newspaper, Sears catalogues, phone-books. You were in, and you were out.
ELAINE
I can't help it. It's so...soft.
JERRY
It's the White Menace.
(Jerry and Elaine exit his apartment and move into the hallway, and then the garbage room. Kramer is already inside picking through the trash.)
ELAINE
Kramer.
KRAMER
Oh. Hey Jerry. Just taking out the trash, you know. Keeping it clean.
JERRY
What are you doing? Looking through my garbage?
KRAMER
Alright. Alright. I can take the heat. What are you gonna do? Rough me up? I can take it.
JERRY
I don't know what you think you're gonna find in there Woodward. There's no story here. You're way off.
KRAMER
Oh yeah? Then how do you explain this? Batteries mixed in with the rest of your garbage. Showing a clear disregard for environmental safeguards. This is journalistic dynamite. (Falls back into a pile of garbage)
SCENE -KRAMER'S APARTMENT
(Kramer is sitting at the typewriter, studying his notes. The phone rings and he answers it, only he's speaking into the wrong end.)
KRAMER
Hello.
VOICE
Hello.
KRAMER
Hello.
VOICE
Hello!
KRAMER
(Realizes he's speaking into the wrong end of the phone.) Hello.
VOICE
Hello.
KRAMER
City desk. Kramer speaking.
VOICE
I've come across a rather interesting tidbit of news regarding Jerry Seinfeld. I was wondering if you'd care to meet.
KRAMER
Jerry, huh. Alright. Well, I'll see if we can send someone. Where do you want to do this?
VOICE
The parking garage. 10 sharp. Bring no one. If I see cops I run. Well...maybe not run. But I'll walk fast.
KRAMER
Hey, what's your angle?
VOICE
Lets just say Jerry and I have had our differences. (Voice erupts in laughter.) Hello? Hello? Are you still there?
KRAMER
Yeah.
VOICE
Well get off the line. I'm trying to make another call.
SCENE - COFFEE SHOP
(George enters)
WAITRESS
(To George) Hi.
GEORGE
Me?
WAITRESS
Yeah. I just wanted to thank you for that tip you left yesterday. 50%. Most people only leave ten or twelve. Like your friends.
GEORGE
Really? You know if it were up to me, 15% right on the bill. That way they don't get away with it. My friend, Jerry. He doesn't have a lot of money. I don't know if you've noticed, but he's always ordering cereal. Well, sometimes, I slip him a little bit at the end of the week. To tide him over. Otherwise, it's Kraft Dinner three times a day.
WAITRESS
Oh. I'm sorry.
GEORGE
No, it's alright. He's a fighter. Got that fighting attitude. Used to be a weatherman. But he, uh, kept getting it wrong. People were wearing sweaters in the summer, sunbathing in the rain. It was terrible. Blacklisted. They blacklisted him. Sent him to Siberia. He was predicting highs of 87. Overnight lows of 76. People went out in T-shirts and froze to death. Flash-froze. Like a popsicle. He, uh, he's the one who invented the sun with the little smiley face. Lives off the royalties.
(Waitress exits)
GEORGE
I've been looking all over for you.
JERRY
What were you talking to her about?
GEORGE
Nothing. The, uh, weather.
JERRY
What do you want?
GEORGE
I need to borrow a tie.
JERRY
That's what you were looking for me for?
ELAINE
What happened to all your ties.
JERRY
He threw them out.
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
Bad patterns.
GEORGE
I can't walk around with an open collar. I feel like an idiot.
JERRY
So button it up.
GEORGE
Then I look like an idiot.
(Kramer enters the coffee shop in disguise. He has a camera around his neck. Jerry sees him and scoffs, but doesn't say anything.)
WAITRESS
Is it just the three of you?
JERRY
No. We're meeting one more.
ELAINE
One more? Is Kramer coming?
JERRY
No, Allison's meeting us.
GEORGE
Oh. Allison.
JERRY
Is that all right?
GEORGE
Sure. Sure. It's alright. Hey, it's cold out today, isn't it? Sweater weather?
JERRY
Yeah, I guess.
ALLISON
Hi. Sorry I'm late. There was this guy on the street. I think he was following me. Tall guy, with beard and a mustache. Kinda freaked me out.
JERRY
Hi. You know Allison, don't you?
GEORGE
We've met. Briefly.
ELAINE
I love that top. Where'd you get it?
ALLISON
It's vintage. I bought it at this second-hand store.
(Allison is wearing another low cut top, that is partially obscured by a jacket. She removes the jacket and sits right across from George, giving him a full view of her cleavage and birthmark. His eyes are again drawn to her chest.)
ALLISON
What should I have?
(Allison leans forward to read the menu, giving George a clear view down her shirt. She is completely unaware that he is looking nervously all around the restaurant, trying desperately not to look.)
ALLISON
George. What are you getting?
GEORGE
I'm...ah, I'm getting the..burritos.
ALLISON
Jerry always gets the same thing. He's so boring.
JERRY
The Western Omelette. Best in the West.
(George starts to fidget nervously)
ELAINE
George. What are you doing?
GEORGE
Nothing.
ELAINE
What are you looking at?
GEORGE
Nothing. I'm looking at nothing.
(George removes his glasses.)
ALLISON
George. Can I tell you a secret? About Jerry.
GEORGE
Sure.
ALLISON
Come here.
GEORGE
You come here.
ALLISON
C'mon. Lean in.
(Allison leans in even further giving George a completely unobstructed look down her shirt. He is shaking, trying again, desperately to avoid eye contact with her chest. Kramer, who is sitting in the booth behind Allison, leans back to attempt to hear what she is going to say.)
ALLISON
Jerry always picks the onions out of his omelette.
(George momentarily looks at Allison, but really gets a long look down her shirt. Kramer can be seen in the corner, unbeknownst to George, snapping away with his camera.)
JERRY
You didn't tell him about the onions, did you?
ALLISON
No. I'd never do that.
JERRY
This one and her mouth. Dirty mouth, but very fresh breath!
(Kramer gets up and exits the coffee shop.)
SCENE - PARKING LOT
(Kramer is waiting in the corner of a parking structure. It is night, and the structure is cloaked in darkness.)
VOICE
Psst.
(A man, completely enveloped in shadows can be seen standing in the corner.)
KRAMER
Hello.
VOICE
Psst. Over here.
KRAMER
Where. I can't see anything. (Kramer walks right into a parked car.) Ow!
(The stranger in the corner lights a cigarette. Kramer follows the light towards the speaker.)
VOICE
That's far enough.
KRAMER
So what is this? What did you drag me out here for? You know I've got a paper to run.
VOICE
I want the world to know about Jerry Seinfeld. The evil, the malice contained within that nubile shell. Oh, he's more than a man who makes fairly obvious observations. He's a villain of the lowest rank. An evil, despicable monster of the rankest order.
KRAMER
OK. OK. Give it up. What's your story?
VOICE
While dining at a rather upscale establishment last Friday evening, I was overcome by a sudden urge. An urge so great that it's calling, much like the Siren's sweet song, could not be resisted. It led me to the lavatory, where I happened to secure a stall next to an unknown occupant. By and by, I heard the stranger rise, zip, buckle, and exit the stall. But alas, there was no flush. No sound of rushing water, gentle as the October breeze. As I was finished, I removed myself from the four walls of my enclosure and inspected the scene. Oh, I've seen some things in my years in the service. Letters without zip codes, return addresses left blank, sixes that look like Gs, fives that you could SWEAR were S's. But never anything like this.
KRAMER
Alright. C'mon. What are you trying to say?
VOICE
Lets just say if this were poker, Seinfeld would have gone from a straight to a full house and skipped the flush.
KRAMER
Jerry? No, I don't believe you.
VOICE
Oh, believe me. It's quite true. There's one man who can't (chuckling), pressure the HANDLE.
KRAMER
Hey! Who are you?
VOICE
Oh, I don't know. Just a voice, floating on the wind I suppose. A mad hatter for whom the tea has already gone cold. You can call me...The Postman.
KRAMER
Why?
VOICE
Because the Postman always flushes twice. Hahaha.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
KRAMER
I thought I'd let you get a peek at today's early edition before we go to press. Yeah, we're working up a storm over there. We got a real egg cooking for tomorrow. A scoop. I thought you might want to take a look.
JERRY
Thank you. I appreciate that.
KRAMER
Here you go.
JERRY
(Reading) "Jawdropper Gawker: George Costanza gets more than an eyeful of B-list celeb Jerry Seinfeld's newest gal pal." What the hell is this?
KRAMER
It's the news.
JERRY
What is this? When did this happen?
KRAMER
The other day in the coffee shop.
JERRY
I knew that was you. Well, what are you gonna do with it?
KRAMER
Little Joey Palmerston. From 4-C. He's gonna sell them on the street corner. And Newman's gonna drop them off on his route.
JERRY
George isn't gonna be too happy about this.
KRAMER
I'm just a journalist, Jerry. I don't find the stories, they find me. (Drops some cigar ash onto his pants and starts writhing)
SCENE - THE COSTANZA'S
FRANK
I open the front page of the paper and I see this. My son ogling some woman like, like, a piece of rock candy.
GEORGE
Look. I wasn't ogling. She was leaning in. What was I supposed to do?
FRANK
And the front page, banner headline. Look at these letters.
GEORGE
What are you talking about. It's not even a paper. Look, it's printed at Kinkos.
(Phone rings)
ESTELLE
Hello. Charlotte. You got what? Oh my God!
GEORGE
What did she get? What did she get?
FRANK
Look at this. It's like that kid from that movie. Home By Myself. Home My Lonesome. Home...! You're like that guy from that Guinness Book of Records. You could've fit a billiard ball in there.
ESTELLE
Charlotte Bluestein just got her mail. That...paper was in it.
GEORGE
Kramer!
FRANK
Now all of our friends are gonna get this thing?
GEORGE
I don't know.
FRANK
Home Alone!
SCENE - COFFEE SHOP
ALLISON
Look what I just bought. Some kid's selling them outside.
JERRY
Oh, I've already seen it.
ALLISON
You saw this and you didn't call me.
JERRY
Well, they've got a very limited readership.
ALLISON
This is your friend staring down my shirt on the front of some newspaper and you didn't think I'd mind?
JERRY
He wasn't staring down your shirt. The whole thing's just a misunderstanding.
ALLISON
So what was he doing?
JERRY
It's your birthmark. On your chest. You wear all these low-cut tops, like you don't know what's gonna happen. It's a focal point. A woman's chest is like the first thing a man sees. Our eyes are instinctively drawn there. That thing you've got there is like the "X" that marks the spot.
ALLISON
It is?
JERRY
Yes. Plus you're leaning over, whispering. I could've dropped a jar of olives down there.
ALLISON
I had no idea.
JERRY
That whole area's like a magnet. Here you've got a strong biological attraction, and on the other side a weak, weak man. It's a recipe for disaster.
SCENE - MAIL ROOM
(Jerry is getting his mail. He opens the box and produces one of Kramer's newsletters.)
JERRY
(Reading) "Seinfeld says: Flush this! This Jack's one card that's a cad when it comes to the flush in the John."
(Another man is getting his mail. He sees the paper and the headline, and looks at Jerry accusingly and with a clear look of disgust)
JERRY
Hey, Terry. Terry. It's not true.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
(Kramer enters, hopping. It is obvious that he needs to use the bathroom)
JERRY
Hey? Where do you think you're going?
KRAMER
I need to use your toilet. Mine's all clogged up. It won't flush. It's that four ply. I used to much. It's soft, but...deadly.
JERRY
What is this? (Holding up the paper)
KRAMER
Oh, hey, you got it. Yeah, that's the scoop I was telling you about.
JERRY
What are you doing to me?
KRAMER
Look. I don't make the news, I just print it.
JERRY
Who told you about this? Who told you?
KRAMER
What? You want my source? You've got to be kidding. I can't do it Jerry, it's unethical.
JERRY
Well you can't use the washroom. My toilet's clogged.
KRAMER
The four ply?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
What am I gonna do?
JERRY
I don't know. Why don't you go down to Newman's.
KRAMER
Oh, Newman's got that new lilac air freshener. I'm allergic to lilac Jerry. My eyes water, my nose runs. And I'm out of four ply!
JERRY
Wait a second. Lilac? Newman!
KRAMER
I gotta do something. I can't wait.
JERRY
Why don't you just go to the coffee shop?
KRAMER
The coffee shop? Man, I hate public washrooms. You know I can't be comfortable in there. And it's all about comfort. If I'm not comfortable, well, you know. It doesn't happen.
JERRY
I know. They've always got that little space between the door and the frame so everyone who walks in can get a little peek. And the pants down on the floor isn't the best look either. You know they might as well take down that little wall and just let you sit next to the other guy anyway. There's no privacy. The washroom's got the best acoustics in the restaurant. A bobby-pin drops in the washroom, you hear it.
KRAMER
Hey! What about that port-a-john out on the street? Yeah. Alright. Where's your paper. Because I need something to do in there. The crossword, or the jumble. I can't be unfocused.
JERRY
I don't understand this fascination with doing something in the washroom. You're already doing something. Can't you focus on one thing? And you shouldn't be in there for that long anyway. Is it supposed to be fun? Are you supposed to have a good time? What is it, the atmosphere? Because I don't know many people with urinals in their living rooms.
SCENE - STREET
(Jerry meets Elaine on the street)
ELAINE
Jerry! Where are you going?
JERRY
Coffee shop. You?
ELAINE
Oh, just going for a walk.
JERRY
Four-ply?
ELAINE
Clogged beyond recognition.
JERRY
I told you that stuff was dangerous.
ELAINE
I'll walk with you. I've just got to stop and get a paper.
(Elaine stops at a NY Times newspaper box and inserts some coins. She opens the box, only to find it full of Kramer's newsletters.)
ELAINE
What the hell is this? Jerry?
JERRY
Oh, no. You don't understand. It was the four ply!
(Elaine releases the door to shut the box, but a hand juts in and stops it from closing. The camera draws back and reveals the waitress from the restaurant who ate Elaine's dinner. She reaches into the box and takes a paper, free-of-charge.)
ELAINE
Jerry! That's her. That's the meal-finisher.
JERRY
Quite the snazzy dresser.
ELAINE
Wait! Those are my clothes! She's wearing my clothes!
JERRY
What? Closet surplus? Not enough hangers?
ELAINE
That's the dress I showed you. The one I donated to Goodwill. It cost me $450. I only wore it once.
JERRY
So why'd you give it away?
ELAINE
Because it only looked good in those department store funhouse mirrors.
JERRY
Oh yeah, the salt stains.
ELAINE
No. Puddle splash-back.
ELAINE
I'm getting that dress back. Hey! You. Meal finisher. Yeah, Little Red Riding Hood. That's my dress. Yeah. Mine. I want it back.
KELLY
What are you talking about? You're crazy. This is my dress, I just bought it yesterday.
(Road work is being done on the street and there is one of those port-a-johns standing on the sidewalk. We see Kramer walk up to with a rolled up newspaper under his arm. Kramer tries the door, but it's locked. Newman is inside.)
KRAMER
Hey! Hey! How much longer?
NEWMAN
(From inside) Go away!
KRAMER
Newman?
NEWMAN
Kramer? It's the four ply. My toilet couldn't take it. I flushed. And I flushed. And I flushed. Still.
KRAMER
Well hurry up. I'm dyin'!
(Cut to Elaine)
ELAINE
I paid $450 for that dress.
KELLY
$29.95.
ELAINE
You're not getting that dress. Give me that dress.
(Enter George and Allison)
ALLISON
Hey, Jerry! Look. (Holds up a sweater) Wool! George just took me sweater shopping. You know, I was wrong about him. He's really a sweet, sensitive guy.
GEORGE
Oh, it was fun. We picked out some real nice turtle-necks, mock-turtles. You know, it's amazing what they're doing with overcoats these days. What's going on here?
JERRY
Pamplona.
ALLISON
Aren't you gonna do something?
JERRY
I am. I'm watching.
(Elaine pulls the dress off, which goes flying in the air. Kelly is semi-nude, wearing only a bra. George is awestruck as he looks at her. His jaw drops.)
ALLISON
(Disgusted) Get a good look?
(Alex, Elaine's boyfriend walks by and picks up the dress. He holds it, shaking it, unwittingly, like a matador. Kelly sees it and is enraged. She makes a final run at Alex, who at the last second adeptly draws the dress back.)
JERRY
O-Lay (Like the matador's call)
(Cut to Newman inside the port-a-john, reading the paper.)
(Cut to outside, the woman, Kelly, running at the red dress. Alex pulls it back and Kelly slams into the port-a-john.)
(Cut to the inside of the port-a-john: Newman is inside as Kelly hits. The john begins to tip, and falls over)
(Cut to outside)
KRAMER
What a scoop.
NEWMAN
(From inside the john, which is about to tip over) Four-ply!
The End
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