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The Flood
EPISODE 185
THE FLOOD
WRITTEN BY DAVID ADLER
GEORGE
You know what happened to me today. I was driving and, it was a beautiful day, so I had the windows rolled down. Anyway, I'm listening to the radio and Cool Jerk comes on.
JERRY
By The Capitols.
GEORGE
Yeah. And I love that song. So I was driving, and singing, and I get to a red light. And I don't even realize what I'm doing. But I keep singing. And then I get this feeling, like my Spidey Sense was tingling, or something. So I turn my head, slowly, like in the movies. And this guy and his girlfriend are stopped in this beautiful fire-engine red Trans-Am. Great looking car. And I'm "The King of the Cool Jerk."
JERRY
That's why you've got to keep the windows rolled up. Use the A/C.
GEORGE
Life is just one constant embarrassment. Don't you realize that? I feel like I'm walking around with my pants around my ankles. That's how I feel.
JERRY
Come on. That kind of stuff happens to everyone. Did I ever tell you about the time I accidentally kissed my grandmother on the lips?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
I pucker, I go in to hit the cheek, and at the last second, she moves.
GEORGE
What about the time we were walking on Seventh Avenue, and that guy was coming towards us yelling "George, George!" And I started waving to him, and yelling back. Then I turn around and there's a guy behind me. George.
JERRY
I'm gonna tell you something that I've never told anyone before. Ever.
GEORGE
What? Wait a second, I want to sit down. I want to get ready. I don't know how to describe this, but I just felt like a rush of energy go through my body.
JERRY
I was in the pool one day, in gym class. This was back in 11th grade. We were learning side-stroke. Anyway, we were sharing the pool with the girl's class. And Mindy Cohn, remember her, with the blonde hair...
GEORGE
And the teeth. Perfect teeth. I've never seen teeth like that before. Like an Ipana commercial.
JERRY
Well we were in the water already, and her class comes in. She's wearing this bikini. Bright red with white polka-dots. I couldn't believe it. I felt like Frankie Avalon in those back to the beach movies. Well, I, you know, took one look and...
GEORGE
Oh, this is great. You never told me this before.
JERRY
I know. I never told anyone. It's too embarrassing.
GEORGE
So what happened?
JERRY
(Throws up his hands).
GEORGE
Oh! No. No, way. You're kidding. This is too...I mean, I didn't even know that could happen. You know, under water. Can that happen?
JERRY
Sure it can. What about fish? You think they swim up onto the beach to...
GEORGE
(Thinks for a second) I don't know.
JERRY
What about, uh, Mermaids?
GEORGE
I thought...(throws up his arms)
Wow. So what did you do?
JERRY
I tried everything. Thinking about baseball, giving myself Indian burns. I expended more mental energy on that than I did over an entire year of Algebra. Nothing worked.
GEORGE
I used to think about Rose Marie. You know, from the Dick Van Dyke show.
JERRY
She wasn't that bad. I think it was the black and white. You can only really look bad in colour.
GEORGE
So colour-blind people are walking around, bumping into models all day? What if they go into a really dark room? How are they supposed to see? You ever think about that?
JERRY
All the time. Colour-blind people are my top priority. What were we talking about?
GEORGE
Mindy Cohn.
JERRY
Oh. Right. So there I was. There WE were. There IT was. And, what could I do?
GEORGE
Why didn't you just, you know. (Whispering) Tuck it in.
JERRY
In a bathing suit? I wasn't wearing a shirt. Wouldn't that have looked a little strange?
GEORGE
So, come on. What happened?
JERRY
Well, the class was over and Mr. Pellman, remember him, with the side-burns? He was yelling "Get out the of the pool. Everyone out." Well I couldn't get out the way I was. So I swam to the deep end, into the corner and dove under. I figured if I could hold my breath long enough, everyone would leave and I could, you know, give it some more time.
GEORGE
Did it work?
JERRY
Well, kinda. I was under for so long that I guess I got a little dizzy and blacked out. Pellman had to jump in and pull me out. He gave me mouth-to-mouth.
GEORGE
So what about the...
JERRY
When I came to it was gone.
GEORGE
Did you ever ask...
JERRY
Are you kidding? It's like Stonehenge. I know what the Druids were thinking. This is my gift to mankind. An unsolved mystery. Lets leave me with some dignity. When I die and my life flashes before my eyes, I'd rather not blush.
But I still think about it sometimes, you know, like when I'm at the health club. It's one of my biggest fears. Because when that thing gets going it's like the Space Shuttle. Speeding bullet, locomotive, tall buildings in a single bound. It's unstoppable.
GEORGE
I think about it at the dentist's. You know, 'cause they've got you locked back in that chair. If anything starts to, you know, what are you gonna do? What if they're polishing? You're not going anywhere.
JERRY
Or the doctor's. Turn your head and cough. That's some pretty personal relationship you've got going on there.
GEORGE
The doctor's. Forget it. I've got an appointment today with some new guy. Dr. Cohn. Sounds like an ice cream salesman.
JERRY
What happened to you're old one. Fingrut?
GEORGE
He died a few weeks ago. He had a pain in his chest for three days. Didn't want to go see anyone. It kind of gives you faith in the whole medical profession. This guy's a doctor. He doesn't even have to go anywhere, wait in a little room. He stands in front of a mirror and he's seeing himself. Anyway, he had a heart attack. The guy weighed 275 pounds.
JERRY
It sort of feels good getting that off my chest. You know, it had been bothering me all these years. I used to think about it sometimes, like whenever I read a L'il Dot cartoon. All those polka dots.
It's tough not to think of something. Because you're telling yourself "Don't think about THIS. You know this horrible, scarring, debilitating life-experience. Well, don't think it about."
GEORGE
I know. You think you've got it bad with the polka-dots. I walk into my parents house, it's like a minefield of the subconscious. One wrong step, and bam, it's 1974 and my grandmother's shaving her legs in my sink. Hey, what's wrong with your faucet. I've been running the tap for, like, three minutes. This water's ice cold.
JERRY
Really? I just had the guy up here last week to fix it.
GEORGE
Cold water. See, it's all coming back.
(Jerry calls the super)
JERRY
Hi, it's Jerry in 5A. I've got no hot water again. Come by whenever you get a chance.
GEORGE
Whenever you get a chance?
JERRY
What am I supposed to say?
GEORGE
How about "This is Jerry in 5A. Get up here and fix my water now! Or I'm calling the INS."
JERRY
Try a little tenderness, huh. The INS? Do you even know what that is?
GEORGE
It's the government. Who cares what it is. Mention the government and people get scared.
Sometimes you've got to be straight with people. You can't let them walk all over you like that.
JERRY
I'm taking advice on standing up to people from a guy whose mother picks out his shoes for him.
GEORGE
Hey, you may have all this. But I've got street-smarts.
JERRY
Yeah. You're a genius at finding the parking meter with time still left on it.
(Kramer enters wearing stained overalls and carrying a tool box)
KRAMER
Good-evening, uh, Mam. A Jerry in 5A called a minute ago. Something about his hot water.
JERRY
Kramer. What are you doing here?
KRAMER
Well, sir, I'll get right to work on your pipes. Will you give me a hand here, please?
GEORGE
What are you doing?
KRAMER
I'm gonna get at the pipes.
GEORGE
You know, that's the couch?
KRAMER
Oh.
JERRY
What the hell's going on here?
KRAMER
Well, Mam...
JERRY
Will you stop calling me Mam?
GEORGE
Is that chocolate syrup?
KRAMER
It's Bosco. Mrs. Hudson in 4C had a little spill. That stuff's slippery.
JERRY
What are you doing with all these tools?
KRAMER
Jerry went away this weekend, to New Jersey. To a super's Convention. I told him I'd fill in for him for a few days.
JERRY
Who's Jerry?
KRAMER
The Super! Can you believe this guy? Like you're the only Jerry in the world? Every time someone says "Jerry," they've got to be talking about you?
GEORGE
A Super's Convention? What do they talk about, wet-dry vacs?
KRAMER
Well, junk mail, hedges, potted plants. And the like.
JERRY
Look, there's no way I'm letting you anywhere near my pipes. What do you know about plumbing?
KRAMER
Come on. You don't have to be a brain-surgeon to fix pipes. You just have to bang on them a little.
JERRY
No!
KRAMER
Alright. Fine! Can I use your bathroom, sir.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
(Starts looking around)
JERRY
It's in there.
(Kramer walks over to the bathroom.)
JERRY
Hey! Leave the tools out here.
GEORGE
I'd better get going. I'm meeting my father for lunch before the doctor. You know, we've got nothing to talk about. I've got absolutely nothing to say to him. And it's funny because I come here, and I've got lots of stuff to say to you.
JERRY
No you don't.
GEORGE
Well I'm talking the whole time.
JERRY
But you're not saying anything.
GEORGE
If my mouth is moving, I'm saying something.
JERRY
I was talking to my dad last week about how, if you're a superhero and a man, it's alright to wear some kind of tough looking costume. Like Iron Man. But if you're a superhero and a woman, it's strictly bra and panties.
GEORGE
What did he say?
JERRY
He was speechless. Thought I was crazy. Our conversations are strictly weather related. Otherwise we drink a lot of coffee.
(A loud noise can be heard from the bathroom. Kramer comes out drenched.)
JERRY
What's going on in there?
KRAMER
You've got some serious problems. You know that. That toilet almost swallowed me whole.
JERRY
Is that a wrench?
KRAMER
No (Drags the wrench through his hair, but the metal gets caught, leaving him in severe pain) It's a comb.
JERRY
Give me that! Get outta here. And I don't want you coming in when I'm gone trying to fix anything.
SCENE - THE STREET
(Elaine is walking down the street. She sees a homeless man begging for change and stops)
DRAKE
Can you spare any change Mam?
ELAINE
Actually. I don't carry change. No, really I don't.
DRAKE
It's okay.
ELAINE
No. See, I don't like all the clanging around in my purse. (Opens her wallet) See, I only have, well, fives, there's a ten, and a couple of twenties. You don't want me to give you a twenty, do you?
DRAKE
Really, it's alright.
ELAINE
OK! Here's a five.
DRAKE
Elaine?
ELAINE
What?
DRAKE
Elaine Benes?
ELAINE
Yes.
DRAKE
It's me! It's the Drake.
(Drake jumps up and hugs Elaine. When she pats him on the back, he hand sticks to his filthy overcoat)
SCENE - COFFEE SHOP
ELAINE
So you'll never guess who I saw today?
JERRY
Who?
ELAINE
He was on the street, begging for some spare change.
JERRY
George?
ELAINE
The Drake.
JERRY
The Drake. I haven't seen him since the whole TV thing. What was he doing begging for change?
ELAINE
I'll tell you what he was doing. He's homeless!
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
He's homeless, Jerry.
JERRY
Wow. I've never known a homeless person before. I've known poor people. And really poor people. I knew a guy who slept in his car. Is that a home?
ELAINE
I walked with him, you know, over to the donut shop. I wanted to get him something to eat. He told me everything.
JERRY
So what happened?
ELAINE
He put all his money into pizza crusts. After the whole stuffed crust thing hit, he thought people would be really into cheese. Wanted more cheese. So he developed a crust, made entirely out of cheese. That's too much cheese.
JERRY
That is too much cheese. You know that's a really stupid word, "cheese." I hate saying it. There's no way to say "cheese," and still sound cool. Torpedo. That's a cool word. You know the Fonz never said "cheese?" Never had a grilled-cheese sandwich.
I wonder whatever happened to that TV? You know the one we bought him for his engagement present.
ELAINE
Ha ha ha (very dry, sardonic laugh). He still has it.
JERRY
But I thought you said he was homeless?
ELAINE
He's LIVING in the box.
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
Yes.
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
He's got quite a cozy little hovel over there.
JERRY
Well that's ridiculous. Who ever heard of a homeless person with a big screen TV? That's like a doghouse with a two-car garage.
ELAINE
Well what are you gonna do?
JERRY
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna go down there and get it back.
ELAINE
You can't get it back. You gave it to him. It was a gift.
JERRY
For him. Not pedestrians.
ELAINE
First this guy gets all his hopes and dreams trampled on, and then you come and steal his TV.
JERRY
You better believe it.
ELAINE
Well he's not gonna like it. He loves that TV. He was telling me all the other homeless come over every night to watch it. They watch Wheel of Fortune. It's his one source of happiness.
JERRY
Well then, I guess Oscar's gonna be a little grouchy.
SCENE - HALLWAY
KRAMER
Hello, sir. I fixed that problem we were talking about earlier. With your hot water. Yeah, it's piping. Oh, you don't want to run your hand under that.
JERRY
What problem? I thought I told you to stay out of my apartment.
KRAMER
Oh, well, I never heard that. Must have been my beeper. Look, I don't want to argue in front of your wife. Mam.
JERRY
This is Karen. Karen, this is my friend, Cybil.
KRAMER
That's a good name. Do you mind if I write that down.
KAREN
Was that guy your super?
JERRY
It's a long story. What's this?
(There's a pool of water outside Jerry's door)
KAREN
Were you defrosting your freezer?
(Jerry opens the door and a flood of water comes pouring out.)
JERRY
Kramer!
KRAMER
Whoa. It looks like you've got a little water damage in there. I'll go get the wet-dry vac.
JERRY
You idiot. Look what you did. Were you playing with my pipes?
KRAMER
Hey, I didn't do anything. I just tightened them up a little. They were loose Jerry. You don't want loose pipes do you?
JERRY
With what? This? (Grabs a tool out of Kramer's belt)
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
That's a pipe cutter.
KRAMER
Oh.
JERRY
What am I gonna do? Look at this.
KAREN
Wait a second, Jerry. This is a great opportunity to redecorate. You're place was so, blah. It's really a blessing in disguise. Hey, I've got a great idea. I'll do it.
JERRY
What?
KAREN
'Cause I'm an interior decorator.
JERRY
I thought you worked in a shoe store?
KAREN
Well, I do. Decorating's my hobby.
JERRY
Really. But I've been to your place. It looks just like mine.
KAREN
I've got a degree.
JERRY
Alright. Redecorate.
KRAMER
See, everything's working out.
JERRY
You know I saw Newman this morning. He was having trouble with his hot water too.
KRAMER
I know. I was down there right before I came up to your place. Wait a second. Pipe cutter. Newman!
(Kramer goes to run, but slips on the water. Pipe-wrench in hand, he goes flying into his own door, punching a huge hole in the middle of it. The door is ruined)
(Cut to Newman's place. There's a flood and he's perched precariously on the arm of his couch)
SCENE - RESTAURANT
GEORGE
So, it's pretty hot out there today.
FRANK
I was going to wear shorts. But the length. There's not enough material. They're above the knee. I feel like I'm walking outside in my underwear.
GEORGE
Yeah, it's a real scorcher.
FRANK
Did you see that. She's ignoring me. I put my hand up and she walks right past us. I'm snapping my fingers. She doesn't even look. It's like we're invisible. This guy's more important than me. My money's just as good as his!
GEORGE
A real scorcher.
SCENE - DOCTOR'S OFFICE
GEORGE
Hi.
BETTY
Name please.
GEORGE
George Costanza. I've got an appointment with Dr. Cohn.
BETTY
Mr. Costanza. The doctor will be out to see you in a moment. Please, take a seat.
GEORGE
So how is Dr. Cohn? Is he a quiet guy? 'Cause I can't take a serious Dr. I need someone with a little sense of humour. Too serious and I worry.
BETTY
Dr. Cohn's a woman.
GEORGE
A woman.
LUCY
Mr. Costanza, the Dr. will see you now.
SCENE - EXAMINING ROOM
DR. COHN
Hi.
GEORGE
Hi. Do I know you from somewhere?
DR. COHN
No. I don't think so.
GEORGE
You look really familiar. Are you sure you don't know me? Wait a second. Were you ever in Cats?
DR. COHN
No.
GEORGE
Are you sure?
DR. COHN
No. I'm sure.
GEORGE
Is that "no," as in, no you're sure you weren't. Or "no," you're not sure that you weren't?
DR. COHN
I don't know you.
GEORGE
Wait a second. Dr. Cohn, right. What's your first name?
DR. COHN
Mindy. Why?
GEORGE
I went to high school with you. George Costanza. Lincoln High. I never really knew you, you know, 'cause you were the It girl. But I knew OF you. You've still got the blonde hair. And the, uh, teeth. Jerry Seinfeld! I was a friend of Jerry Seinfeld's. (George is getting a little uncomfortable because the Dr. is so attractive. She's wearing a low-cut top, and a short skirt. He looks over at the table and remembers Jerry's story about his unwanted arousal.)
JERRY'S VOICE-OVER
Speeding bullet. Tall buildings. Freight train. Freight train. Freight train.
DR. COHN
Oh, I remember Jerry. I used to have a huge crush on him. But, you know, I was going out with the captain of the football team. How is he?
GEORGE
He's...fine. That's a I didn't know they made scrubs in tank tops.
DR. COHN
OK, Mr. Costanza...
GEORGE
Please. George.
DR. COHN
Alright, George. So you're here for your annual checkup?
GEORGE
Yeah. Well, sort of. I don't really need any checking. I'm healthy as a horse. It's those apples, I'm telling you. You know, you don't even have to do anything really. Here, take my pulse. I'm great. You know, I feel
DR. COHN
If you could just strip down to your underwear and lie down on the table.
GEORGE
Strip down? What do you mean? Look (lifts up his shirt) here you go. No stripping.
DR. COHN
George.
GEORGE
You want to do the leg thing right. With the hammer. Here (rolls up his pants) It's not gonna work though. I don't have any reflexes. It's my mother's fault really. She used to kick me under the table a lot. Oh, and then I slept in the same bed as my parents for a long time. And I used to kick them in my sleep. So I had to stop that. They tied elastic bands...around my feet.
DR. COHN
(Silent. Just staring at George)
GEORGE
Alright. (Starts taking off his clothes and lies down)
SCENE - HALL OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT
GEORGE
What's going on here?
JERRY
I had a little flood. Karen's got a whole crew in here, redecorating. How was the doctor's. You still got no reflexes?
GEORGE
It was...interesting. You're re-decorating?
JERRY
Yeah. So what happened? Why interesting?
GEORGE
I'll tell you what happened. She's a woman. Dr. Cohn. Dr. Mindy Cohn.
JERRY
Mindy Cohn? From high-school? Wow. The It girl made it after all. Well, so what?
GEORGE
So what? So she's not a man. A men's doctor is a man's job.
JERRY
All doctors should be women. Think about it. They keep you waiting. They're always right. Cost a lot of money.
GEORGE
Are you finished?
JERRY
You can never find a good one. So what was the problem?
GEORGE
What was the problem? I'm in there two minutes and she's rounding second base.
JERRY
Oh.
GEORGE
Yeah. See. And she's...quite thorough.
JERRY
How so?
GEORGE
The place was like a TB ward. She had me coughing like I smoked six packs before breakfast. One cough, two coughs, three coughs. I had to stop in the middle for a drink of water.
JERRY
Well she's a doctor, that's what they do. I'm sure it was all professional.
GEORGE
That makes a lot of sense. So because she's a doctor, she can do whatever she wants? Why doesn't she put some candles in there? A dimmer. Burn some incense.
JERRY
Really. It was that bad?
GEORGE
I've never been so nervous. She's...quite attractive.
JERRY
What happened? Don't tell me. T-Minus. Ten, nine, eight, seven!
GEORGE
So I'm coughing, she's...whatever! I'm thinking Berra, Ford, Garagiola. She has this great blonde hair. It's the best relationship I've ever been in and it's doctor-patient.
(Karen enters)
KAREN
Hi George. Jerry, we're almost done. A couple more hours and it's yours.
JERRY
Wow. Great. I've gotta go run some errands, but you'll be here when I get back?
KAREN
No, I've got to meet a client. But it shouldn't be that long. I'll tell you what. As soon as I'm done, I'll drop by to see what you think.
GEORGE
Where are you going?
JERRY
To see the Drake. I'm gonna get that TV back. So what happened? You never finished the story.
GEORGE
Nothing happened. Nothing could happen. I was immobilized by fear. My right arm went numb. I almost blacked out. She was wearing this low cut top, and this perfume. A doctor's not supposed to wear a mini-skirt!
JERRY
She really got you, didn't she? Were you, you know, at your best?
GEORGE
I couldn't look! I don't even know where I am, I'm so confused. She...laughed.
JERRY
She laughed!
GEORGE
I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. What could I do? I think there might have been some...nervous shrinkage.
JERRY
(Starts laughing)
GEORGE
So this is funny to you? You know she asked about you? Said she had a crush on you in high-school, but she was too afraid to tell you. I gave her your address. She's going to stop by.
I'll tell you one thing though.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Her hands. They were ice cold.
SCENE - STREET
(The Drake is sitting in an alleyway watching TV, surrounded by other homeless.)
JERRY
Anything good on?
DRAKE
Jerry? I haven't seen you in ages. And George.
GEORGE
Hi.
JERRY
You know it's kind of strange, a homeless guy owning a big screen TV.
DRAKE
Well it's a strange world. I know a guy who eats coffee beans as a snack! You know, you guys should stop by sometime. Do you like Wheel of Fortune?
JERRY
I want that TV.
DRAKE
It was a gift. You can't take it back.
JERRY
What if I took this one, and gave you mine? Like a trade. Or bought you a smaller one?
DRAKE
This is a 52 inch screen. I can't go back to 24. No I won't give it up. Not unless...
JERRY
Unless what?
DRAKE
Unless you get me a date with Elaine. She bought me a cruller yesterday. I saved her stir stick.
JERRY
I don't know.
DRAKE
Is it because I'm homeless?
JERRY
No...she loves pan-handling...And just try to keep her away from subway grates. She's always stealing shopping carts.
DRAKE
You know, I've got an apartment?
JERRY
Where?
DRAKE
The old one where I used to live.
GEORGE
So you're homeless by choice?
DRAKE
I find it freeing. It really lets the creative juices flow. And you get to look through other people's garbage.
JERRY
So you're not poor?
DRAKE
No. Why, won't Elaine appreciate me for who I am?
JERRY
Yeah. But what she really likes are men who bathe regularly.
DRAKE
Alright. For her I'm willing to make that sacrifice. This could be something special, Jerry. Love. I feel it. It's like a burning in my chest.
JERRY
Yeah, but that could be hepatitis. I'll tell you what. Give me the TV, and you can come to my place and get cleaned up. They're working on it anyway, so it's a mess. Elaine's coming by later. You can talk to her.
DRAKE
Deal.
JERRY
Alright.
DRAKE
And you'll buy me dinner sometime.
SCENE - HALLWAY
(Jerry, George, and Drake are moving the TV. They enter Jerry's place without noticing any of the new details.)
JERRY
Watch the door, watch the door. I just had it painted.
DRAKE
This is your place? It's nice.
JERRY
Really. Better than the street?
DRAKE
Well, it's not Park Avenue.
JERRY
When did you ever live on Park Avenue?
DRAKE
A few weeks ago. In a dumpster. It wasn't as nice as this though.
JERRY
That's nice.
(We notice that Jerry's front door has been removed by Karen and replaced with a new model. The new door has a wood frame, but the middle portion is clear glass from the floor to the top of the frame. Kramer is outside in the hall fumbling with a couple watermelons in his arms. Jerry is standing watching the show.)
GEORGE
You know Karen really did a great job with this place. Everything looks so much brighter, cleaner. Is that a new couch? Wow, backless. (Sits down) I love this. Maybe I'll get her to come do my apartment.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
What, don't you think she did a good job? Hey, aren't you gonna close the door?
(Kramer has now dropped a melon, and has fallen to the floor trying to retrieve it with one hand. George walks up to the door and tries to close it, but it already is closed. He opens it briefly.)
KRAMER
Hey, George, can you help...
(George closes the door.)
GEORGE
Hmm.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
It's closed. Do you think it's missing a part or someting?
DRAKE
No, no. It's glass. See, (taps on the glass). Yeah, I've seen those before. Liza Minnelli has a door just like that. It's nice.
JERRY
Well this is no good.
GEORGE
I don't know. I kind of like it. I feel like I'm in an aquarium.
JERRY
Look at this. (Kramer is still carousing in the hall) It's like the peep show at Bellevue.
(Karen Enters)
KAREN
Hi Jerry. Well, how do you like it?
JERRY
It's nice. A little open.
KAREN
Did you see what I did with the windows? Your blinds didn't close all the way, so I put in new ones. For privacy.
JERRY
Oh yeah. What about the door?
KAREN
Don't you like it? Your old one was so uninviting. I think this one opens up the room and says, "come on in. Stay a while."
JERRY
Really? 'Cause you know, throw some coral down and get some seaweed and we can start charging admission. You realize that you can see right through it?
KAREN
No you can't. You can't. It's a two-way mirror. See. From the outside it looks like a mirror. But from the inside it's like a window. So you can see who's outside. But they can't see in. I put one in your bathroom too.
(The Drake is in the bathroom showering. The door has been installed backwards, so you can see him shaving with Jerry's razor and wearing Jerry's bathrobe.)
GEORGE
She's right. This is so cool.
JERRY
I don't know. I don't know if I feel comfortable with this.
GEORGE
Why not? Look, you can't see in. What's the problem?
JERRY
I don't trust it. What if it suddenly reverses fields?
GEORGE
How is it gonna reverse fields?
JERRY
What if the earth starts spinning backwards? Don't say it couldn't happen.
KAREN
Well that's OK. If you don't like it, I can order you a new one. Wood. Just like the other one.
JERRY
Well what about the old one? What happened to that?
KAREN
Garbage. The contractor took it.
JERRY
Two days?
KAREN
At the most.
JERRY
Well, I guess I can live with it for a while.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
KRAMER
I can't sit on this couch. Look at this thing. It's got no back. I can't sit here.
NEWMAN
Stop complaining.
KRAMER
Lets take it into my place. We can watch it there.
NEWMAN
But he's got the big screen. You've got that 24 inch. I can't go from big screen to 24 inch.
KRAMER
So we'll take the TV. Here, help me lift it.
(Kramer and Newman move the TV to the door, but can't get it through)
NEWMAN
It won't fit through the door. We need another inch.
KRAMER
I've got it. Hand me that screwdriver. Phillips head.
NEWMAN
What are you doing?
KRAMER
I'm gonna take the door off so we can get the TV out.
NEWMAN
Won't Jerry be mad?
KRAMER
I'll put it back.
(Kramer takes the door off its hinges, and he and Newman remove the TV. He then replaces it, but does so backwards so now you can see into the apartment, but not out.)
SCENE - OUTSIDE THE BUILDING
(Kramer, the super, is outside by the dumpster cleaning up. He notices Jerry's old door leaning on the garbage and picks it up, looks around, and drags it inside)
SCENE - COFFEE SHOP
(Elaine and The Drake are sitting together drinking coffee. The Drake is all cleaned up and looking suave.)
ELAINE
Nice shirt.
DRAKE
Jerry gave it to me. The pants are his too. A little itchy. You know he doesn't own a belt?
ELAINE
So you didn't really lose all your money on pizza crusts?
DRAKE
No. In fact I ended up getting out at just the right time. I figured, a person can only eat so much cheese. So my partner bought me out and here I am.
ELAINE
There you were.
DRAKE
The homeless thing was always something I wanted to try. Like sky-diving. Haven't you ever wanted to just feel the thrill of doing something crazy.
ELAINE
Yeah, but usually it involves a roof and indoor plumbing.
DRAKE
That's what so great about being out on the street's. The sky's your roof. Nature's your plumbing.
ELAINE
What about the rats?
DRAKE
The food chain. Nature's got a place for everyone.
ELAINE
Well is there any room for me?
DRAKE
Elaine. From now on it's a box for two.
SCENE - HALL OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT
(Kramer is just finishing taking off his old door, and replacing it with Jerry's old door. However, Jerry's apartment number is still affixed. Kramer surveys his work and hauls the old door inside.)
(Enter Elaine and The Drake)
ELAINE
Kramer. Is Jerry home?
KRAMER
No, he went out about an hour ago. Why?
ELAINE
The Drake's locked out of his apartment. We're just gonna go in for a little while and watch Wheel Of Fortune.
KRAMER
Alright. Wait a second. (Leans over to Elaine and whispers to her) Buy a vowel.
ELAINE
I'll keep that in mind.
(Elaine and The Drake enter Jerry's apartment and tune into Wheel of Fortune. We can hear the opening theme music. The Drake is enthralled by the image on the big screen.)
DRAKE
No! No! Taj Mahal. Mahal! Not McHal!
SCENE - HALL OUTSIDE
(Dr. Cohn is standing in the hall, looking at a piece of paper. She has come to visit Jerry, but since Kramer has taken his door, she knocks at his place instead. Kramer answers. She is dressed quite suggestively.)
DR. COHN
(Very suggestively) Jerry?
KRAMER
For the next 3 days I am. What is this about? Your pipes? Yeah, 'Cause I'm no good at that.
(Dr. Cohn lunges at Kramer in a passionate embrace and they enter his apartment, shutting the door.)
SCENE - JERRY'S CAR
(Jerry is driving, and listening to the radio. He starts to sing along with the tune.)
JERRY
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you.
(Jerry stops at a red light. But he's still singing. The couple in the car next to him start laughing)
SCENE - OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT
(Karen walks up and since the door has been installed backwards, she can see Elaine and The Drake on the couch, making out. She storms off in a huff, thinking The Drake is Jerry because he's wearing Jerry's clothes. Helen and Mordi Seinfeld walk down the hall, carrying a suitcase.)
HELEN
You don't think we should have called? What if he's busy? What if he's with a girl?
MORDI
With a girl? So we'll knock. You think I was gonna just walk right in?
HELEN
I think we should have called.
MORDI
It's supposed to be a surprise. How is it gonna be a surprise if we call to say we're coming. Huh? It'd ruin the whole thing.
(They're stopped outside of Jerry's apartment. They can see through the glass at Elaine and The Drake, but since the place is renovated and the door is gone, they don't recognize it. They look at Kramer's door and see Jerry's apartment number.)
HELEN
What's going on in there?
MORDI
Didn't his apartment used to be on the other side of the hall?
HELEN
I thought it was. Well that's not Jerry's. Look, it's too bright. Jerry doesn't like bright colours. He likes black and white.
MORDI
And look at that couch. Where's the back? How are you supposed to sit on that thing? How is that comfortable?
HELEN
Do you hear something?
(Helen puts her head against Kramer's door, which is in reality Jerry's. We can hear Dr. Cohn and Kramer)
DR. COHN
Cough. Cough!
KRAMER
Mama. (Violent coughing sounds)
HELEN
It's Jerry. I think he's having an attack.
MORDI
Get out of the way.
HELEN
What are you going to do?
MORDI
I'm gonna break down the door.
(Helen tries the handle)
HELEN
You're not going to break down the door.
(Mordi runs and bounces off the door. Elaine and The Drake hear the commotion and rush outside. Mordi takes one more run and crashes through.)
SCENE - ELEVATOR
(Jerry has just got in. George runs in the door, just as they shut. He has flowers in his hand.)
JERRY
Nice timing. Hey, who are those for?
GEORGE
Mindy.I'm gonna see her again tomorrow. My throat's a little itchy.
JERRY
What about the apples?
GEORGE
(Shrugs) Too mealy.
(Jerry and George get off the elevator and walk up the hall. Helen, Elaine, and The Drake are all standing in Kramer's doorway peering into his place with a look of shock on their face.)
JERRY
(Sings) Nobody knows where Johnny has gone, but Judy left the same time.
(George looks at Jerry)
GEORGE
What's going on?
(George and Jerry run up to Kramer's door. George runs up, slips on a piece of luggage and is knocked out.)
SCENE - FLOOR IN THE HALL
(George is lying on the floor. Dr. Cohn is giving him vigorous mouth-to-mouth. He wakes up)
ELAINE
George. Are you alright?
GEORGE
(Mumbling) What's going on?
DR. COHN
You fainted. I had to give you mouth-to-mouth.
GEORGE
Mouth-to-mouth?
JERRY
She was really going at you there.
DRAKE
Whew. That was quite a show. You got any cold water, Jerry?
(George is still lying on his back. He gets a really strange look on his face. Mindy is still leaning over him in her low-cut top.)
GEORGE
Oh no!
JERRY
Three, two, one...Liftoff!
(George gets up and runs down the hall toward the elevator)
The End
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