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The Fetish
*************************The Fetish*****************

A Seinfeld fan's script by pjazz

2003

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND KATE.

 

KATE, JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND, IS IN THE BATHROOM REMOVING HER MAKE UP.

KATE

Much as I love being a magician's assistant I do wish I didn't have to wear so much stage make-up. It takes ages to remove. And the constant smiling. Sometimes I think my lips will just fall right off my face from all the smiling.

 

JERRY

We can't have that. What would I have to kiss?

 

THEY SMOOCH

 

KATE

Oh, we'd think of something.

 

SMOOCH

 

DOOR BURSTS OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.

 

JERRY

Kramer! Don't you ever knock first?

 

KRAMER

(TO KATE) Hey, I caught your show tonight.

 

KATE

What did you think?

 

KRAMER

Oh man, it knocked me out. The bit where the Great Soprendini saws you in half - pow!- knocked me out.

 

KATE

Thank you, Kramer. And look, no scars.

 

LIFTS SHIRTS TO SHOW BARE MIDRIFF

 

JERRY

She's a quick healer.

 

KRAMER

How's that trick work? Mirrors? Body double?

 

KATE

That's a secret, I'm afraid. I can tell you one thing. The Great Soprendini?

His real name's Artie Berkowitz.

 

KRAMER

He's not really from the Mysterious East?

 

KATE

Not unless you count Hoboken as the Mysterious East.

 

KRAMER

What about where he puts you in a sealed cabinet and sticks swords through?

How's that done? Rubber blades? Trap door?

 

KATE

Sorry, Kramer. Magician's Code. I could tell you how it's done, but then I 'd have to kill you.

 

KRAMER

Whoa, mama!

 

JERRY

These magician's have got more secrets than the CIA.

 

BUZZER SOUNDS

 

JERRY

Yeah?

 

ELAINE

(BUZZER) It's Elaine.

 

JERRY

C'mon up.

 

KATE

I've gotta go. Bye, Jerry.

 

KRAMER

Hey, I'll walk you to the elevator.

 

KATE

(LAUGHS) It won't do you any good, Kramer. My lips are sealed.

 

KRAMER AND KATE LEAVE

 

ELAINE ENTERS

 

ELAINE

Hey, check me out. New shoes. Ferragamos. From Milan, Italy.

 

JERRY

Nice.

 

ELAINE

No, no. You don't understand, Jerry. They're more than nice. Ferragamos. From Milan. Mi-lan-o! The latest style. And here's the best part. Got 'em one third off wholesale.

 

JERRY

One third off wholesale. Great deal. What'd you do - sleep with the salesman?

 

ELAINE

Well, yeah. How'd you know that?

 

JERRY

Wild stab in the dark.

 

ELAINE

There's just one small teensy weensy itsy bitsy drawback.

I think he's only interested in my feet.

 

JERRY

He has a foot fetish?

 

ELAINE

Ye-ah. Pretty much.

 

JERRY

Well you see what's happened. You finally slept with all the normal guys in NYC.

Now you're starting on the perverts.

 

ELAINE

Oh ha ha. And Maxwell isn't a pervert. He says I have the feet of an angel.

 

JERRY

Feet of an angel? I've heard of the face of an angel, voice of an angel, never the feet of an angel. What do angels need feet for anyway? Don't they have wings and fly everywhere?

 

ELAINE

So you've never personally found yourself attracted to a woman's feet?

 

JERRY

Elaine, I have feet. If I want to see feet I look down.There they are. As a rule men are attracted to the body parts women have that men don't.

 

ELAINE

Well, I'm being broadminded about it. I mean, one third off wholesale. Come on. Like I'm going to blow this freak off with a deal like that.

INT. THEATRE. BACKSTAGE.

 

IT'S AFTER A MAGIC SHOW. JERRY IS WAITING FOR KATE. HE IS IDLY LOOKING AT SOME OF THE PROPS.

 

HE NOTICES THE 'SAW THE WOMAN IN HALF' BOX HAS A FALSE BOTTOM.

 

JERRY

So that's how it's done.

 

ARTIE, THE GREAT SOPRENDINI, SHOWS UP.

 

ART

Hey you. This is a restricted area.

 

JERRY

Jerry Seinfeld. I'm waiting for your assistant, Kate.

 

KATE ARRIVES

 

KATE

Jerry, you shouldn't be here.

 

ART

He saw the trick, Katie. He knows the secret. You know what that means.

 

KATE

Please, Artie. Not again. Can't you make an exception?

 

JERRY

Listen, I won't tell anyone. You've got nothing to worry about.

 

ART

That's right. You're the one with something to worry about, pal. Better watch your back.

 

ARTIE LEAVES

 

KATE

Oh Jerry. What have you done.

 

JERRY

Me? What did I do?

 

KATE

Didn't you hear me warn Kramer? Magician's guard their secrets, Jerry. To the death.

 

JERRY

You can't be serious? It's a dumb trick. Who cares how it's done.

 

KATE

I can't see you anymore, Jerry. I can't bear to lose another...friend.

Tell me, do you have anyone you can stay with outside New York?

 

JERRY

My parents live in Florida. But come on. Kate, please.

 

KATE

Go to Florida, Jerry. Stay indoors. I pray it will be enough.

KATE EXITS LEAVING JERRY DUMB-FOUNDED.

INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.

 

ELAINE IS RELAXING ON THE COUCH. MAXWELL, HER BOYFRIEND, ARRIVES.

ELAINE

Did you bring the Manolo Blahniks you promised me?

 

MAX

Patience, babe. They're being shipped from Paris. Any day now.

MAXWELL SITS BESIDE ELAINE. HE BEGINS TO MASSAGE ELAINE'S BARE FEET.

 

MAX

Hmm, you have the toes of ---

 

ELAINE

--an angel. Yeah, I know.

 

MAX

'This little piggy went market, this little piggy stayed home.'

 

ELAINE

Are you sure you ordered the right size?

 

MAX

Size 7. 'This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none.'

 

ELAINE

God, I hope they come soon.

 

MAX

'And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home!'

 

MAXWELL UNZIPS HIS PANTS.

 

ELAINE

(SIGHS) Oh boy.

INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

 

JERRY IS ASLEEP IN BED. THE PHONE RINGS.

 

JERRY

(GROGGY) Who is it?

 

VOICE

We know you know.

 

JERRY

What? Know what? Who is this?

 

VOICE

You think you can learn our secrets and get away with it? Think again, pal.

 

JERRY

What do you want from me?

 

VOICE

Your life.

 

CALLER HANGS UP

 

JERRY

Hello? Hello?

INT. MONK'S. JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER.

 

ELAINE

Let me get this straight, Jerry. You think some magician is out to get you because you accidentally found out how some trick works?

 

JERRY

Uh huh.

 

ELAINE

Well, it's finally happened. You've totally lost your mind.

 

JERRY

The phone call in the night, Elaine. I'm a marked man. Kate won't return my calls.

I'm on no sleep. I'm jumping at shadows.

 

KRAMER

Boy, am I glad Kate kept schtum. I'd be in the same pickle as you, buddy.

 

JERRY

(SARCASTIC) I'm so pleased for you.

 

ELAINE

So what you going to do?

 

JERRY

I'm taking no chances. I've got some protection.

JERRY PATS HIS JACKET

KRAMER

You bought a gun? You're packing heat? Oh man, this is incredible. What make gun d'you get?

Walther PPk? Smith and Wesson? Magnum? Like Dirty Harry ' Go ahead, punk. Make a wish'.

 

JERRY

Make a wish is not the line. The line is 'Go ahead, punk. Make my day'.

And I didn't buy a gun.

 

 

JERRY PRODUCES A TASER

 

ELAINE

A taser?

 

KRAMER

Jerry, they're toys. Childrens toys.

 

JERRY

The man in the shop said it would stop a 200 pound man dead in his tracks

 

KRAMER

You got taken for a ride, buddy. Here. I'll show you. Zap me.

 

KRAMER LIFTS HIS SHIRT

 

JERRY

I don't wanna zap you.

 

KRAMER

Jerry, it's a child's toy. I won't feel a thing. Zap me.

 

JERRY

I don't wanna.

 

KRAMER

Jerry, man. I'm begging you. Zap me.

 

JERRY

Alright, alright!

 

JERRY PRESSES THE TASER TO KRAMER'S CHEST.

 

KRAMER STARTS TO SHAKE.

 

ELAINE

Kramer, are you okay?

 

KRAMER

Hoochie, mama!

 

ELAINE

I think your chest hair's on fire.

 

KRAMER

You see? Not a thing. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and extinguish my chest hair.

 

KRAMER WALKS UNSTEADILY TO THE REST ROOM.

ELAINE

Where's the waitress? How long does it take to serve coffee and a bagel?

 

JERRY

You seem a little tense.

 

ELAINE

You'd be tense too, Jerry, if you hadn't had sex for a week.

 

JERRY

You split up with Maxwell?

 

ELAINE

No. He's just so fixated on my feet by the time he moves higher up my body he's ...spent.

 

JERRY

Spent?

 

ELAINE

Y'know...spent.

 

JERRY

Ah, spent.

 

ELAINE

I tell ya, having the feet of an angel ain't all it's cracked up to be.

 

JERRY

So break up with him.

 

ELAINE

Not yet. He's getting me these Manolo Blahnik's. From Paris. I'll be the first person in NYC to wear them. But after that - poof! - he's history.

 

JERRY

Men use women for sex. Women use men for discount shoes. Seems fair.

GEORGE ENTERS. VERY HYPER.

GEORGE

You'll never guess what happened to me today!

 

JERRY

You discovered the Meaning of Life. It's regular flossing and clean underwear.

 

GEORGE

It's a miracle. I was running in Central Park.

 

JERRY

You? Running? That IS a miracle.

 

ELAINE

What you trying to do - give yourself a heart attack?

 

GEORGE

I wasn't exercise running. It was nearly 4 o'clock. The hot dog stand closes at 4.

Guess who I ran into - Marisa Tomei.

 

JERRY

Marisa Tomei the actress?

 

GEORGE

The one and only.

 

ELAINE

Didn't she have a thing for you once?

 

GEORGE

Yeah.

 

JERRY

Apparently she likes quirky bald men. Go figure.

 

GEORGE

There's no one quirkier or balder than me, Jerry.

 

ELAINE

You got that right.

 

GEORGE

Anyway, we got talking. Turns out she's in New York shooting a film with that English actor,

Hugh Grant.

 

ELAINE

Ooooh! I loo-v-e Hugh Grant. He's such a gentleman.

 

JERRY

Didn't he get arrested in LA with a hooker in his lap?

 

ELAINE

Uh huh. A gentleman and a bad boy. An irrisistable combination.

 

GEORGE

I'm having dinner with Marisa Tomei tomorrow night. She wants to bring Hugh Grant along and make it a foursome. He doesn't have a date so I said I'd ask Elaine.

 

ELAINE

Me? A date with Hugh Grant? Omigod!

 

GEORGE

So you'll come?

 

ELAINE

Try and stop me.

 

JERRY

What about Maxwell?

 

ELAINE

Screw that pervert.

 

GEORGE

Some ground rules. One, no mentioning my late fiancee Susan. I told Marisa she died of an intestinal complaint.

 

ELAINE

Not that you accidentally poisoned her because you're a cheapskate?

 

GEORGE

You wanna come or not?

 

ELAINE

Yes, yes. My lips are sealed.

 

GEORGE

Two, no mentioning Hugh Grant's little escapade with the hooker in LA. He's very sensitive about it.

 

ELAINE

George, trust me. I'm the soul of discretion.

 

JERRY

Except when you're drunk. Then you're the queen of blabbermouths.

 

GEORGE

This is my shot at dating a movie star. Think of all the great Hollywood romances.

Gable and Lombard. Bogart and Bacall. Now - Costanza and Tomei.

 

ELAINE

Grant and Benes.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

 

KRAMER BURSTS IN.

KRAMER

Hey, buddy. How you holding up?

 

JERRY

What is it with the police in this city? I ask for protection and they want proof my life's being threatened. I could be dead in my bed before they lift a finger.

 

KRAMER

I talked to my pal Bob Saccamano. He knows a man who has contacts in the magician community. For money he'll call off the hit.

 

JERRY

Kramer, that's great! Where is he? Take me to him.

CUT TO --

INT. DARKENED APARTMENT. KRAMER, JERRY AND A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE SEATED IN A CORNER.

MYSTERY MAN

So, you want my help calling off a magician's hit? Hmmm, tricky.

 

KRAMER

Can you do it?

 

MYSTERY MAN

Oh, I can do many things, my friend. I'm extremely...versatile.

 

JERRY

Wait a minute. I know that voice.

 

JERRY TURNS THE LIGHT ON TO REVEAL NEWMAN.

 

JERRY

Newman!

 

NEWMAN

Hello, Jerry.

 

JERRY

What do you know about magic?

 

NEWMAN

Quite a bit, actually. Before I became a mailman I was known as 'The Amazing Newman and his Performing Doves.' Oh, I played everywhere. Vegas, Atlantic City, Miami Beach.

 

KRAMER

Why'd you quit?

 

NEWMAN

I had a little accident involving the doves.

 

JERRY

What sort of accident?

 

NEWMAN

I was in the mid west. The takeaways were all closed. No room service. I got... peckish.

 

JERRY

You ate the doves?

 

NEWMAN

With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.(SLURPS) Delicious.

 

KRAMER

But you can help Jerry out, right?

 

NEWMAN

Oh yes. I still have contacts. Ironic isn't it, Seinfeld, that I should be the one to save your miserable skin. I, Newman, should stand between you and an early grave.

 

JERRY

Yeah. Real ironic. What's it gonna cost?

 

NEWMAN

500 dollars.

 

JERRY

You're out of your mind.

 

NEWMAN

300.

 

JERRY

200.

 

NEWMAN

Alright, alright! But know this, Seinfeld, every birthday you celebrate you owe to me.

Every Christmas. Every New Year. How's that for a magic trick. Hahhahahahahah!

 

NEWMAN CACKLES MADLY.

INT. DAY. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. ELAINE AND MAXWELL.

MAX

Here's your Blahniks, babe. Am I good or what?

 

ELAINE

Oooh!

 

ELAINE TEARS OPEN THE BOX AND TRIES ON THE SHOES.

 

ELAINE

They're beautiful.

 

MAX

Since I did this for you, Elaine, perhaps you can do something for me? Walk on me.

 

ELAINE

Walk on you? Isn't that a bit... kinky.

 

MAX

C'mon, Elaine. We're both consenting adults. Wait a sec while I take off my shirt.

MAXWELL REMOVES HIS SHIRT AND LIES ON THE FLOOR.

 

MAX

Okay. Ready.

ELAINE, STILL WEARING HER SHOES, WALKS ON MAXWELL.

 

HE SCREAMS IN PAIN.

MAX

Aaaarggh! What the hell d'you think you're doing?

 

ELAINE

Walking on you. Like you wanted.

 

MAX

Barefoot, you imbecile! Not in shoes. They're 4 inch heels, for crying out loud.

What, are you insane? You could have pierced my heart.

God, it hurts.

 

ELAINE

I'll get an aspirin.

 

MAX

An aspirin? I'm in agony. I think you broke my ribs, you dumb bitch. Call 911.

INT. DAY. HOSPITAL.

MAXWELL IS IN BED, SEDATED. ELAINE SITS BY HIS BEDSIDE.

 

THE DOOR OPENS. MAXWELL'S PARENTS ENTER.

MA

My Maxie! My poor baby!

 

PA

Son. Speak to me, son.

 

ELAINE

Uh, he's sedated. Are you Maxwell's parents?

 

MA

Who's she?

 

PA

Must be Maxie's floozie. She looks the type. Look at her hair.

 

ELAINE BRUSHES HER HAIR SELFCONCIOUSLY.

 

MA

What happened to my beautiful baby boy?

 

ELAINE

He has 3 broken ribs. The doctor said he'll be fine. But he needs rest.

 

MA

3 broken ribs? Did someone attack my Maxie? Was he in a fight?

 

ELAINE

Not strictly speaking, no.

 

PA

Who would do such a thing?

 

ELAINE

(BLURTS GUILTILY) I didn't mean to. It was an accident!

 

MA

You? You did this to my little boy?

 

PA

Because he didn't pay enough for your 'services'?

 

ELAINE

Hey, watch it, buster. Your son was the one wanted me to walk on him.

 

MA

You walked on my son? What kind of sick person are you?

 

ELAINE

Your son asked me, begged, begged me to walk on him. He's the sicko.

 

PA

You're not too old to put over my knee and spank, missy.

 

ELAINE

Listen, I gotta go. When Maxwell wakes up could you tell him Elaine said she's really really sorry.

 

MA

I'll tell my son his whore was here. But she'll never come near him again.

Not if she knows what's good for her.

 

ELAINE

Oo-kay. That ought to do it. Nice meeting you both.

THE DOOR SLAMS IN ELAINE'S FACE.

INT. BAR.

 

BARTENDER

What'll it be?

 

ELAINE

Schnapps. Better make it a double. It's been a rough day.

INT. EVENING. CLASSY NYC RESTAURANT.

 

GEORGE, MARISA TOMEI AND HUGH GRANT ARE SEATED WAITING FOR ELAINE TO ARRIVE.

GEORGE

She's usually so punctual. Must be the traffic.

 

ELAINE ARRIVES. SHE'S VERY DRUNK.

 

GEORGE

(GETS UP TO GREET HER) Elaine, where have you been? You're 20 minutes late.

 

ELAINE

Hey, Georgie boy!

 

GEORGE

Have you been drinking?

 

ELAINE

No-oo-ooo-ooooo! It'll be our itty bitty secret.

 

GEORGE

Marisa. Hugh. This is Elaine. Elaine, Marisa and Hugh.

 

MARISA

Hi.

 

HUGH

Jolly nice to meet you.

 

ELAINE

Omigod! You look just like Hugh Grant.

 

HUGH

Um, so people tell me.

 

GEORGE

Oh ha ha ha! Good one, Hugh.

 

ELAINE

I've seen all your movies. You know my favourite?

 

HUGH

Um, no idea. Frightfully sorry.

 

ELAINE

What's it called? It's on the tip of my tongue.... The one where you're in a car with a black woman and you both get arrested by the cops. What is it called?

Ow! George, you kicked me!

 

HUGH

Let's, um, order some wine, shall we?

George, what's your poison?

 

ELAINE

Poison? No-oo-oo! George didn't poison his fiancee. The glue on the wedding invites was toxic. 'Course, it was George's fault, but hoody doody.

Ow! George, you kicked me again!

 

MARISA

Is this true, George? You poisoned your fiancee?

 

GEORGE

Technically, in a manner of speaking....

 

MARISA

I'm leaving. Hugh?

 

HUGH

Oh, uh, right. Cheerio.

 

MARISA AND HUGH LEAVE.

 

GEORGE

You had to ruin it, didn't you. My one shot at a Hollywood romance my entire life.

And you ruined it. All you had to do was make nice with Hugh Grant.

But no, little Miss Benes has to open her big mouth.

 

ELAINE

George....

 

GEORGE

Y'know who walked in this restaurant, Elaine? Winner George. Winner George with a beautiful movie star on his arm and hope in his heart. Y'know who's leaving? Loser George. Loser George, no movie star, no hope, nada.

 

ELAINE

George, I don't feel too good...

 

GEORGE

At least there's nothing left you can do to me can make me feel any worse.

 

ELAINE

I think I'm going to ----

 

ELAINE VOMITS IN GEORGE'S LAP.

 

GEORGE

Goddammit!

SCENE FREEZES

 

MUSIC

 

CREDITS

THE END

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