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The Eccedentesiast

THE ECCEDENTESIAST

(Stand up intro)

 

JERRY: Some terms in the English language just annoy me. I mean take “goody two shoes” for instance. Now what the hell, is this all about? First of all, since when being good is considered bad? I mean life is complicated as it is, but this, ladies & gentlemen, is the ultimate oxymoron. Now we get to the shoes part. I mean all people wear two shoes, so now all people are good & it’s wrong? & the funny thing is you don’t hear anyone get called “baddy one shoe” or something as stupid as that, but “goodie two shoes”? Oh no! That’s acceptable! I guess that means that if you wear two shoes & hold another shoe in your hands, it must mean you’re a schizo or something.

 

Monk’s exterior, noon

 

(Jerry sits in the booth all by himself. George enters the restaurant with a Tower Records bag in his hands & sits down)

 

JERRY: Where have you been?

 

GEORGE: Sorry, traffic jam… Thank God I found a decent parking space, it took me ten minutes, Jerry! Ten whole minutes, I swear!

 

JERRY: Hey what’s this? (Gestures at the bag)

 

GEORGE: Oh, this? It’s for my mother… She wanted me to buy her the new Frank Sinatra collection.

 

JERRY: Oh really? Looks like there’s more than just one CD in here (grabs the bag)

 

GEORGE: No, Jerry, please, come on…

 

JERRY: (swaps through the albums) Metallica, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Nirvana, Pearl Jam… What the hell is this? Don’t tell me you’re becoming a punk head in order to impress a girl or something like that?

 

GEORGE: I knew it! I knew you’d make fun of me! (Grunts) OK here’s the deal – My therapist told me to try & listen to loud rock music in attempt to relieve my anger.

 

JERRY: & you’re actually gonna do it?

 

GEORGE: Why not?

 

JERRY: Well for start, yelling “Serenity Now!” is much easier. & cheaper.

 

GEORGE: Oh very funny… Why don’t you put it in your next act?

 

JERRY: Nah it’s nothing.

 

GEORGE: Exactly.

JERRY: Oh no but you see, it’s not that kinda nothing.

 

GEORGE: There are different kinds of nothing now?

 

JERRY: Why of course! There’s the substantial nothing, & there’s the complete zilch. It’s like the difference between writing down the number zero & not writing anything.

 

GEORGE: I see your point. (scratches his chin slightly) So what’s going on between you & Alicia?

 

JERRY: I’m gonna break it off.

 

GEORGE: What now?

 

JERRY: Well, let’s just say, Georgie Boy, that this might be the first time in both written & unwritten history that someone has ever given a girl the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech & actually meant it.

 

GEORGE: I beg your pardon?

 

JERRY: Well, last night?

 

GEORGE: Yeah?

 

JERRY: Let’s just say I had a little “dream incident” which involved her.

 

GEORGE: Oh you don’t mean…

 

JERRY: Oh I mean.

 

GEORGE: Yeah, so? It happens.

 

JERRY: It sure does. But you see, after that was over I kinda, well… Took it from there.

 

GEORGE: Oh you mean…

 

JERRY: That’s what I mean.

 

GEORGE: & you think it’s wrong?

 

JERRY: Of course it’s wrong! I have this personal rule not to do it.

 

GEORGE: Why?

 

JERRY: Because, don’t you see? Now I won’t be able to even look at her without thinking about it! It’d be as if she knows!

 

GEORGE: Interesting…

 

JERRY: & the worst thing is I actually enjoyed it! I was pursuing it, I was wallowing in it, it was sick! It’s like I was somebody else or something, it’s like I was… (Looks at George harsher) You.

 

GEORGE: Oh yeah, I know what you mean. (Gets up) Hey listen buddy I better try my new “therapy” (Makes the inverted commas hand gesture). See ya later.

 

JERRY: Whatever (sips his coffee).

 

Quick Cut to Jerry’s building exterior, afternoon

 

(Jerry & Elaine are sitting by the table. Jerry is reading the TV Guide section of the newspaper)

 

JERRY: Hey check this out… 10 Things I Hate About You The Most.

 

ELAINE: What about it?

 

JERRY: Where did The Most come from? It’s supposed to be 10 Things I Hate About You, period. There’s no most!

 

ELAINE: Forget it, it’s nothing.

 

JERRY: Exactly.

 

ELAINE: Yep. (Puckers her upper lip upward)

 

JERRY: So, you wanna go see Widowers Of Freedom tonight?

 

ELAINE: I sure do, but not with you.

 

JERRY: Huh?

 

ELAINE: Sorry Jerry, I have a date with Greg tonight & we’re going to see this movie.

 

JERRY: Greg? The guy who’s been living in your building for four years & only three days ago you accidentally got to talk him in the lift?

 

ELAINE: That’s right.

 

JERRY: Oh come on, Laney! You know I can’t make fun of schmaltz drama movies all by myself!

 

ELAINE: Ask George then.

 

JERRY: I tried to, three times! He’s not answering the phone!

 

ELAINE: You don’t say.

 

JERRY: Maybe I should go see if something’s happened to him.

 

(Jerry & Elaine look at each other)

 

JERRY & ELAINE (simultaneously): Nah.

 

JERRY: Well, I guess I’ll try to watch the Widowers all by myself anyway.

 

ELAINE: Hey wait a minute, didn’t you tell you me you’re gonna break up with Alicia tonight?

 

JERRY: Yeah I know, guess it will have to wait.

 

ELAINE: (opens her mouth in like, half a laugh, half a surprised look) Oh come on, you can’t keep procrastinating!

 

JERRY: You’d be surprised.

 

ELAINE: Did you really…

 

JERRY: Yes.

 

ELAINE: With that whole…

 

JERRY: Yes

 

ELAINE: Including…

 

JERRY: A-ha.

 

ELAINE: (pushes him) Get out!

 

George’s apartment exterior, afternoon

 

(George is dancing all by himself with the loud music on. He seems very happy)

 

GEORGE: Oh yeah! Make it ring, baby! Make it ring!

 

(The song ends & George notices that the ring actually comes from the telephone. George pauses the stereo & picks it up)

 

GEORGE: Yello.

 

(It’s George’s neighbour, Mrs. Goldstein. She sounds very annoyed & irritable)

 

GOLSDSTEIN: George, this has got to STOP!!!!  Do you want me to call the police????!!!! Come on!!!!!!! What’s WITH you???????!!!! My head explodes, the entire house is shaking, I CAN’T TAKE IT!!!!!

 

GEORGE: But Mrs. Goldstein, please, try to understand… My therapist recommended loud music for me… She said that it would calm me down, & well… It really does…

 

GOLDSTEIN: WELL you know what calms ME down GEORGE?????!!!! A good nap in the AFTERNOON, & I can’t have it because of your INSUFFERABLE music!!!!!!!! EITHER YOU stop it RIGHT NOW, or I’m calling the POLICE on you!!!!!!!! (Slams the phone wrathfully)

 

(George holds the phone for a few more seconds. Then he puts it back)

 

GEORGE: SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Fancy restaurant exterior, night

 

(Elaine & Greg are sitting in a dimly lit booth. They appear to be having a great time)

 

ELAINE: Greg, I have to tell you, you have an excellent taste in movies! I mean this was the best movie I’ve seen in years! It was really moving!

 

GREG: Yeah well, it could’ve been better if it wasn’t for that annoying bloke who kept making snide remarks about the movie. (Laughs slightly)

 

ELAINE: Oh yeah, I hate those… (Rolls her eyes, obviously thinking of Jerry) So do you go to the movies often then?

 

GREG: Pretty much. You could say that I’m quite the movie buff.

 

ELAINE: Oh yeah, a movie buff… Why do they call it that anyway? I mean bookworm makes sense because worms eat books, but a buff? What’s a buff?

 

(A waitress approaches them)

 

WAITRESS (in a perky waitress voice): Hello, my name is Cindy & I’ll be your waitress for tonight. Would you like to start with a beverage?

 

ELAINE (smilingly): Yeah, I would like to have a coke please, & what about you Greg?

 

(Greg makes a cancellation hand gesture)

 

ELAINE (still smiling): Nothing for him then.

 

CINDY: Coming right up. (Leaves. Elaine notices that Greg is staring at her)

 

ELAINE: Are you OK?

 

GREG: Oh yeah, yeah…

 

ELAINE: Well you don’t look OK to me! Why are you looking at me like that?

GREG: I’m not, I’m not… Just forget it OK?

 

ELAINE: Forget what?

 

(Greg shrugs)

 

ELAINE: Oh come on, tell me!

 

GREG: Well OK.

 

(Elaine awaits his answer)

 

GREG: It’s just that, well…

 

ELAINE (impatiently): Yeah?

 

GREG: I think you may  be… (Takes a deep breath) An eccedentesiast.

 

ELAINE: A WHAT?

 

GREG: An eccedentesiast. Someone who fakes a smile. You know, kinda like on television.

 

ELAINE: Wait a minute, are you accusing me of faking a smile? W… Why?

 

GREG: Well the way you talked to that waitress… You were obviously faking it.

 

ELAINE: Well I was just being polite! You can’t accuse me of being… That… Thing, based on one case!

 

GREG: Oh it’s not just with her. You did it with the ticket vendor, the popcorn vendor, even the usher! How could the usher see you smiling? It’s dark inside the theatre! Just be natural!

 

ELAINE: Look you remind me too much of my ex-boyfriend Jerry, this is exactly why I stopped dating him. I can’t put up with this stupid nitpicking all day. Goodbye. (Gets up & leaves)

 

GREG: Hey, wait! I didn’t…

 

Jerry’s building exterior, noon

 

(Jerry is standing in the kitchen whilst both Elaine & George are sitting by the table)

 

ELAINE: So he basically accused me of being an eccedentesiast!

 

JERRY: A WHAT?

 

ELAINE: A smile faker!

 

JERRY: & you actually remember this word?

 

ELAINE: How could I forget? It was the most stupid accusation I’ve ever heard! What was he thinking? (Notices that George looks down) Hey what’s with you?

 

GEORGE: It’s that damn Mrs. Goldstein! She just had to interrupt my bliss!

 

JERRY: Oh you don’t mean…

 

GEORGE: That’s exactly what I mean! How could she do this to me Jerry? I mean I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke cigars or cigarettes, girls wouldn’t date me, girls wouldn’t even touch me! Playing air guitar was the closest I ever got to having a little fun!

 

(Kramer bursts in with a key in his hand)

 

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, guess what! Bob Saca… (Turns around to see Elaine & George) Oh hello there.

 

ELAINE (reluctantly): Yeah, hi.

 

GEORGE (reluctantly as well): Hi.

 

(Kramer stares at them for a few seconds then turns back to Jerry)

 

KRAMER: So anyway Jerry, my friend Bob Sacamano gave me his magic key, figuratively speaking of course. (Smiles his horse smile)

 

JERRY: Now what?

 

KRAMER: You know that old shelter in the Central Park? Well, that’s what opens it. (Clicks his teeth)

 

ELAINE: Since when does Bob Sacamano own a shelter?

 

KRAMER: Oh he owns it all, baby. (Clicks his hand like a gun at Elaine & clicks his teeth)

 

GEORGE: Hey wait a second Kramer, does the shelter have electricity & such?

 

KRAMER: Why sure George, it was built for people to live in for months.

 

GEORGE: That’s exactly what I need! Could I have the key?

 

KRAMER: Why sure you can George. (Throws him the key) But I must warn you George, Newman is already using it.

 

GEORGE: What for?

 

KRAMER: Piling up mail he doesn’t feel like delivering.

JERRY: But I thought he has that other place for this purpose.

 

KRAMER: Oh it got too full.

 

ELAINE: Does Newman ever deliver mail to people?

 

KRAMER: When he feels like it (shrugs).

 

GEORGE: Yeah yeah yeah, so anyway Kramer do you think there’s enough space in there with all of the mail?

 

KRAMER: Are you kidding me? This shelter is huge! Why you could fit a circus show in there, including the audience!

 

GEORGE: Great! This is just what I need! Thank you Kramer, you made my day! Well see ya guys, I’m gonna check it out! (Leaves the apartment)

 

ELAINE: He doesn’t mean…

 

JERRY: That’s just what he means.

 

KRAMER: Huh?

 

(A short pause. Both Jerry & Elaine look at him bemused)

 

JERRY (shakes off of it): Well this is it then, tonight’s the night.

 

ELAINE (almost laughs): & you really plan to tell her the reason?

 

JERRY: Oh of course not, I’ll just make up something, you know me.

 

Shelter exterior, night

 

(George is dancing in the shelter to the sound of his loud music. A large heap of undelivered mail is in the far corner from him)

 

GEORGE: HAHA! OH YEAH! EAT THIS MRS. GOLDSTEIN!  WOO HOO! (Jumps in joy)

 

(Suddenly the door opens. Newman is there with a great looking girl. George immediately stops dancing & pauses the stereo)

 

GEORGE: Oh Newman, hi! I was just messing around with…

 

NEWMAN: (Interrupts him) Say no more, my celebratory friend! Kramer has already told me all about your little scheme. (Grins evilly)

 

GEORGE: Well then, if you don’t mind… (Smiles awkwardly)

 

NEWMAN: Oh no George, I’m afraid you’ll be the one who shall leave the shelter, for Samantha over here appears to be keenly interested in other people’s undelivered mail, right now! (the girl smiles). She’s quite the voyeuristic type you see (Grins evilly again).

 

GEORGE: Where the hell did you find her?

 

NEWMAN (sulks): None of your business!

 

GEORGE: Oh come on Newman, it’s not fair! I’m here right now because I know that you put mail here only in early mornings! You can’t do this to me!

 

NEWMAN: He who has the key sure can. (Smiles coyly)

 

(George grits his teeth, he looks upset but then all of a sudden he comes to his senses)

 

GEORGE: You know what Newman, I think we can reach a solution here.

 

The next day, Jerry’s building exterior, then his apartment, noon

 

(Jerry speaks to George over the phone. You can see them both as they are separated by a line, as in a telephone conversation)

 

GEORGE: So get this Jerry, I actually made an agreement with Newman!

 

JERRY: The same Newman who lives in my building? Kramer’s friend?

 

GEORGE: Yeah! Well come on, there’s gottabe a human being under all of this, well… Ah forget it.

 

JERRY: So what’s the agreement?

 

GEORGE: I get to use the shelter from 15:00 to 19:00, & he gets to use it for the rest of the night. If either of us wishes to use it mornings or noon, we will flip a coin.

 

JERRY: But that way he gets to be there more than you do! It doesn’t sound very fair to me.

 

GEORGE: I don’t care Jerry, I don’t care! Just as long as I get the shelter all by myself to listen to loud music uninterrupted! Four hours is enough time for me.

 

JERRY: If you say so. Well anyway, was nice talking to ya.

 

GEORGE: Hey wait a second, where are you going?

 

JERRY: Alicia’s finally coming over.

 

GEORGE: I thought you broke up with her last night!

 

JERRY: Oh no but you see, Kramer just had to use my kitchen sink in order to make more of those keys. Could you believe he actually bought a key maker?

 

GEORGE: So now I’m gonna have more uncalled for visitors?!

 

JERRY: Nah don’t worry about it, he’s only making ‘em in case either of you three loses his key. (A buzz is heard) Well that’s Alicia at the door, I gotta go George, see ya later. (Puts phone down & answers the door)

 

JERRY: Who is this?

 

ALICIA: Alicia.

 

JERRY: Come on up. (Buzzes her in)

 

(Kramer bursts in the door)

 

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, listen, I need to see if I forgot some keys over here.

 

JERRY: Not now Kramer, Alicia’s on her way up.

 

KRAMER: Alicia? (Freezes) But she’s the…

 

JERRY (angrily): I know, I know, just leave already.

 

(Kramer leaves & meets Alicia on his way)

 

KRAMER: Oh, hello there (chuckles & leaves)

 

ALICIA: What’s with your neighbour?

 

JERRY: Oh, no… Thing (Avoids looking at her)

 

ALICIA (noticing it): Is there something wrong?

 

JERRY: Oh no, not at all (Walks towards the couch so he won’t have to look at her)

 

ALICIA: Come on Jerry, tell me! You can tell me anything!

 

JERRY: (Walks towards the kitchen In order to avoid her face again) Well do you want a Snapple?

 

ALICIA: Jerry!

 

JERRY: Oh alright, alright! (Finally looks at her) I’ve fantasised about you during my private time!

 

ALICIA: Is that all?

 

JERRY: (Being normal all of a sudden) Well, yeah…

ALICIA (smilingly): Well that really makes me happy! It means you’re attracted to me! Come on, tell me all about it!

 

JERRY: Oh no please, you really wouldn’t wanna know…

 

ALICIA: Oh come on!

 

JERRY: Well, if you insist…

 

Jerry’s apartment, fifteen minutes later. Jerry & Alicia are sitting on his couch.

 

ALICIA (crying): This is the eeriest, freakiest thing I’ve ever heard!

 

JERRY (tries to console her by caressing her head): But you’re the one who asked me to do it! Come on!

 

ALICIA: No Jerry! I thought you’re a nice, moral guy! I can’t believe you actually have those… Those… Those sick images in your head! I’m leaving! (Gets up & leaves)

 

JERRY (following her): But… But… (Shouts at the doorway) Well at least I didn’t pretend your belly button talks!

 

Monk’s exterior, noon. Elaine is sitting there all by herself putting sugar in her tea. Greg walks in & approaches her.

 

GREG: Thank God I found you here! Listen, I’m really sorry for the other night, I have no idea what I was thinking that!

 

ELAINE: Well, OK.

 

GREG: Is that it?

 

ELAINE: Well, what do you mean?

 

GREG: Are you forgiving me that easily?

 

ELAINE: Yeah, sure! I’m not the kinda girl who bears a grudge you know (smiles).

 

GREG: That’s great! I really didn’t wanna hurt you, you’re a wonderful person.

 

ELAINE: If you say so… (puckers her upper lip upwards)

 

GREG: Hey listen to this joke I just heard – Two psychologists meet so one of them says “You’re doing fine thanks, how about me?”

 

ELAINE: (takes a pause) Whoops.

 

GREG: Why did you just say whoops?

 

ELAINE: Oh you know, because of your… Joke.

 

GREG: You didn’t find it funny, did you?

 

ELAINE: No, I didn’t… Sorry.

 

GREG: Well you could’ve laughed you know.

 

ELAINE: How could I laugh if I didn’t find it funny?

 

GREG: You could’ve been polite about it.

 

ELAINE: (sardonic) Oh I see, so it’s wrong to fake a smile with a waitress, but it’s OK to fake laughter with you?

 

GREG: That’s different.

 

ELAINE: How exactly?

 

GREG: Because I’m dating you.

 

ELAINE: Not anymore I’m afraid. (Gets up to leave). Goodbye.

 

GREG: Hey no, Elaine, come on!

 

ELAINE: (at the doorway) Sorry Greg, maybe when you’re done being all… Jerry (grins and leaves).

 

GREG: (to himself) Who’s Jerry?

 

Post office exterior, noon

 

(The manager, mister Briggs, sits in his chair. A knock is heard on the door)

 

BRIGGS: Come in.

 

(Newman comes in)

 

NEWMAN: You wanted to see me, sir?

 

BRIGGS (sternly): Sit down, Newman.

 

(Newman sits down)

 

BRIGGS: Mister Newman, recently we’ve been receiving too many complaints about undelivered mail in your route. Do you happen to know anything about it?

 

NEWMAN (being coy): Why dear sir, why should I know? You know that it is my moral duty to deliver mail to all of my happy customers.

 

BRIGGS: They are not “your costumers”, mister Newman! They are tax-paying citizens who deserve to receive their mail on time!

 

NEWMAN (still being coy): Why of course, mister Briggs! & why, may I ask, would you think that I am doing anything wrong?

 

BRIGGS (angrily): Listen here, Newman! I’ve had enough of your smarmy attitude! Now I’m not stupid, I know you’re up to something! You’re free to leave now, but don’t you think I’m done with you!

 

NEWMAN (sulks): Very well. (Gets up & leaves)

 

(Mister Briggs picks up the phone & dials a number)

 

WOMAN ON PHONE: Cohen detective agency, how may I help you?

 

Shelter exterior, early morning. Newman unloads a huge pile of mail into the shelter. He doesn’t notice a bloke in a car who’s spying on him.

 

Jerry’s building exterior, noon

 

(Jerry is in the kitchen, talking to Elaine who’s sitting by the table)

 

JERRY: So now she’s upset with me!

 

ELAINE: So? Girls always come & go for you.

 

JERRY: But don’t you see? Alicia is a very sociable person! She knows like twenty-five percent of the girls in Manhattan! She’s gonna tell them all about me!

 

ELAINE: Oh relax! How are they gonna recognise you!

 

JERRY: Because she’s also told them about my act, she watched my act & so did her friends! What am I gonna do?

 

ELAINE: Well at least you’re not dating someone who thinks you’re an eccedentesiast (puckers upper lip etc.).

 

JERRY: You don’t mean…

 

ELAINE: Oh I mean! Jerry, this guy is impossible! He’s too much like you! First he gets upset for faking a smile to a waitress, then he gets upset for not faking laughter with him!

 

JERRY: A-ha, so you did fake that smile.

 

ELAINE: You see? (Acting all desperate)

 

(Kramer bursts in the door)

 

KRAMER: Now Jerry, what is this? I mean, come on WHAT IS THIS?! I know you’re a comedian, things get to you, but THIS?!?!

 

JERRY: What are you talking about?

 

KRAMER: Well I just bumped into Martha from floor 15, & she told me…

 

JERRY (interrupts him): Oh no, it’s already started!

 

ELAINE: Oh relax, it’s probably just a coincidence!

 

JERRY: A coincidence? Don’t you mean… An eccedentesiast? (Grins)

 

ELAINE: Oh shut up.

 

Post office exterior, noon, the next day

 

(Mr. Briggs is on the phone)

 

MAN ON PHONE: NYPD.

 

BRIGGS: Yeah, hello. I’m the manager of the central Manhattan postal office & I have evidence that one of my employees is not delivering the mail as he’s supposed to. Now I’m thinking of a surprising ambush here…

 

(The next scene shows Jerry in various places – The supermarket, Monk’s, the street etc. He attempts to talk to girls but they all reject him)

 

The next day, Monk’s exterior, noon.

 

(Jerry and Elaine are sitting in their booth, talking)

 

JERRY: So you see? I told you this was going to happen!

 

ELAINE: Oh big deal! As if you don’t enjoy being a bachelor!

 

JERRY: Sure I do, but not this way!

 

ELAINE: (giggles) Are you actually embarrassed by all of this?

 

JERRY: It’s not about embarrassment, it’s about control!

 

ELAINE: Huh?

 

JERRY: Don’t you see? Before this whole story had begun I had the choice, I could’ve chosen to date a girl, I could’ve chosen not to, & either way I could’ve broke it off; But now they’re the ones choosing for me!

 

ELAINE: So let me get this straight, you’re OK with being single, just as long as it’s your choice?

JERRY: Exactly.

 

ELAINE: What is this, some kind of an inferiority complex?

 

JERRY: Speaking of which, where is George? I haven’t seen him lately.

 

ELAINE: Me neither… Guess he’s in his shelter.

 

(A ring is heard. Jerry takes a cellular phone out of his pocket & talks)

 

JERRY: Oh hello. (pause) Yes I’m here, why? (pause) You don’t say… (pause) Really? (long pause) Well what do you know! I’ll meet you here then! Bye! (Puts phone back in pocket)

 

ELAINE: Who’s this?

 

JERRY: It’s Alicia! Turns out one of her friends actually thinks my fantasy means something deeper so we’re going out again! She’s meeting me here in five minutes.

 

ELAINE: Back in control then?

 

JERRY: Guess so.

 

ELAINE: Well then, I’m off. I’ll see ya later.

 

JERRY: Just try not to laugh!

 

(Elaine smirks & leaves. Outside, she bumps into Greg)

 

ELAINE: Please don’t tell me…

 

GREG: Oh come on Elaine! One last chance! I really like you! Do you think I would’ve come here to ask about you if I wouldn’t have cared?

 

ELAINE: Well alright, you’ve convinced me. (sighs)

 

GREG: Shall we take a stroll down Central Park then, my fair lady?

 

ELAINE: What the hell (takes his arm & they leave)

 

Shelter exterior, noon

 

(George is listening to his loud music again, dancing. Suddenly two policemen, a black one & a white one, break down the door in, followed by mister Briggs. George immediately pauses the stereo & stops dancing)

 

BRIGGS: That’s not him.

 

GEORGE: That’s not who?

 

BRIGGS: Look, where is Newman?

 

GEORGE: Newman? Probably with Kramer, why?

 

BLACK COP: So there are three of you, then.

 

GEORGE: What are you talking about?

 

WHITE COP: You’re under arrest, sir. & we are confiscating the stereo & CD’s so that your friend Newman will get them delivered to their rightful owners!

 

GEORGE: What are you talking about? These are my CD’s & this is my stereo! I bought them with my own money!

 

BLACK COP: Either way you’re accused of not reporting a crime. Now come with us. (The cops handcuff him & take him away)

 

GEORGE (squirms): No! NO! You don’t understand! I only wanted a quiet place to listen to music in!

 

BRIGGS: Sir, with all due respect, & even though it is none of my business, quiet is the last word one could use to describe what you’re doing here!

 

Central Park, noon. Elaine & Greg are strolling the park.

 

GREG: You know, this could be a really good place for a romantic picnic.

 

ELAINE: I wouldn’t say no to that (smiles).

 

(All of a sudden they notice George being dragged by the policemen coming towards them)

 

GEORGE: ELAINE!!!! ELAINE!!! You’ve GOTTA HELP ME!!!! PLEASE TELL THEM I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!

 

(Elaine bursts into laughter)

 

GEORGE: ELAINE!!!!!

 

BRIGGS: Give it up buddy, it’s over!

 

GEORGE (being dragged away from there): Just take me to Jerry!!! Let me find Jerry, he could explain this to you!!!!

 

(Elaine keeps laughing. Greg stares at her)

 

GREG: Do you know this man?

 

ELAINE (comes to hear senses slightly but still laughing): Yeah, why?

 

GREG: &?

 

ELAINE: & what?

 

GREG: Aren’t you gonna help him out?

 

ELAINE: (smiles) Oh that’s OK, you dunno George.

 

GREG: Well you know what Elaine, I don’t wanna know you either.

 

ELAINE: (confused) What are you talking about?

 

GREG: Nobody should laugh at his friends when they need him!

 

ELAINE: Well I didn’t intend to laugh, it was just funny!

 

GREG: Well you shouldn’t have laughed at him, it’s insulting!

 

ELAINE: So now you’re telling me I should also fake not laughing?

 

GREG: When it comes to a friend!

 

ELAINE: (confused) What?

 

Quick cut to Monk’s exterior, then the inside. Jerry & Alicia are sitting there chatting & laughing.

 

JERRY: So you’re saying that the whole thing basically symbolises insecurity?

 

ALICIA: That’s what Shanna told me. She’s a psychiatrist you know.

 

JERRY: You don’t say…

 

(All of a sudden the policemen, Briggs, & George gets in)

 

GEORGE: Here he is! Jerry, you’ve got to help me! Tell them the stereo is mine!

 

JERRY (chuckles): What happened to your little hideout?

 

ALICIA: OK that does it! (Gets up & leaves)

 

JERRY: What’s wrong?

 

ALICIA: (almost crying) After I’m being convinced that your fantasy is perfectly normal I find out that you’re hanging out with criminals!

 

JERRY: Criminals? What criminals?

 

GEORGE: They know about Newman too, Jerry! All of the packages he was supposed to deliver!

ALICIA: I’m out of here. (Walks out crying)

 

(Jerry tries to say something, but ultimately gives it up)

 

Monk’s exterior, morning, the next day. Jerry, George, Elaine & Kramer are sitting in their booth.

 

ELAINE: So what happened?

 

GEORGE (reluctantly): I ended up with a fine.

 

JERRY: That’s fine.

 

GEORGE: Yeah, & that’s a really bad pun Jerry!

 

JERRY: I know, I know… I’m just upset that Alicia broke up with me again. Now she’s gonna tell everyone I hang out with criminals!

 

KRAMER: Well you know Jerry, some girls are into that type! (makes his gun gesture)

 

JERRY: Whatever. Say Elaine, what’s up with Greg?

 

ELAINE: He blew me off for smiling & laughing in inappropriate times. Besides, he’s more into cruciverbalists anyway.

 

JERRY: Huh?

 

ELAINE: People who like doing crossword puzzles.

 

JERRY: The man sure does read a lot, huh?

 

ELAINE: Not necessarily.

 

GEORGE: Say Kramer, didn’t Newman get in trouble with the shelter & all?

 

KRAMER: Oh yeah. He’s lost his job for a while now.

 

ELAINE: & you know what that means… (Looks at Jerry)

 

JERRY: Oh you don’t mean…

 

ELAINE: That’s what I mean.

 

The next day, early morning, Jerry’s building exterior, then the apartment. Jerry wakes up as he hears weird noises from the kitchen. He goes to the kitchen & turns on the light. Kramer & Newman are there, grabbing food from the fridge.

 

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry. (Grins evilly)

 

THE END

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