Some terms in the English language just annoy me. I mean take “goody two shoes”
for instance. Now what the hell, is this all about? First of all, since when
being good is considered bad? I mean life is complicated as it is, but this,
ladies & gentlemen, is the ultimate oxymoron. Now we get to the shoes part.
I mean all people wear two shoes, so now all people are good & it’s wrong?
& the funny thing is you don’t hear anyone get called “baddy one shoe” or
something as stupid as that, but “goodie two shoes”? Oh no! That’s acceptable!
I guess that means that if you wear two shoes & hold another shoe in your
hands, it must mean you’re a schizo or something.
Monk’s exterior, noon
sits in the booth all by himself. George enters the restaurant with a Tower
Records bag in his hands & sits down)
Where have you been?
Sorry, traffic jam… Thank God I found a decent parking space, it took me ten
minutes, Jerry! Ten whole minutes, I swear!
Hey what’s this? (Gestures at the bag)
Oh, this? It’s for my mother… She wanted me to buy her the new Frank Sinatra
Oh really? Looks like there’s more than just one CD in here (grabs the bag)
No, Jerry, please, come on…
through the albums) Metallica, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Nirvana, Pearl Jam… What the hell is this?
Don’t tell me you’re becoming a punk head in order to impress a girl or
something like that?
I knew it! I knew you’d make fun of me! (Grunts) OK here’s the deal – My therapist told me to try & listen to
loud rock music in attempt to relieve my anger.
& you’re actually gonna do it?
Well for start, yelling “Serenity Now!” is much easier. & cheaper.
Oh very funny… Why don’t you put it in your next act?
Nah it’s nothing.
Oh no but you see, it’s not that kinda nothing.
There are different kinds of nothing now?
Why of course! There’s the substantial nothing, & there’s the complete
zilch. It’s like the difference between writing down the number zero & not
I see your point. (scratches his chin slightly) So
what’s going on between you & Alicia?
I’m gonna break it off.
Well, let’s just say, Georgie Boy, that this might
be the first time in both written & unwritten history that someone has ever
given a girl the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech & actually meant it.
I beg your pardon?
Well, last night?
Let’s just say I had a little “dream incident” which involved her.
Oh you don’t mean…
Oh I mean.
Yeah, so? It happens.
It sure does. But you see, after that was over I kinda, well… Took it from
Oh you mean…
That’s what I mean.
& you think it’s wrong?
Of course it’s wrong! I have this personal rule not to do it.
Because, don’t you see? Now I won’t be able to even look at her without
thinking about it! It’d be as if she knows!
& the worst thing is I actually enjoyed it! I was pursuing it, I was
wallowing in it, it was sick! It’s like I was somebody else or something, it’s
like I was… (Looks at George harsher) You.
Oh yeah, I know what you mean. (Gets up) Hey
listen buddy I better try my new “therapy” (Makes the inverted commas hand
gesture). See ya later.
Whatever (sips his coffee).
Cut to Jerry’s building exterior, afternoon
& Elaine are sitting by the table. Jerry is reading the TV Guide section of
Hey check this out… 10 Things I Hate About You The Most.
What about it?
Where did The Most come from? It’s supposed to
be 10 Things I Hate About You, period. There’s
Forget it, it’s nothing.
Yep. (Puckers her upper lip upward)
So, you wanna go see Widowers Of Freedom
I sure do, but not with you.
Sorry Jerry, I have a date with Greg tonight & we’re going to see this
Greg? The guy who’s been living in your building for four years & only
three days ago you accidentally got to talk him in the lift?
Oh come on, Laney! You know I can’t make fun of schmaltz drama movies all by
Ask George then.
tried to, three times! He’s not answering the phone!
You don’t say.
Maybe I should go see if something’s happened to him.
& Elaine look at each other)
& ELAINE (simultaneously): Nah.
Well, I guess I’ll try to watch the Widowers all
by myself anyway.
Hey wait a minute, didn’t you tell you me you’re gonna break up with Alicia
Yeah I know, guess it will have to wait.
her mouth in like, half a laugh, half a surprised look) Oh come on, you can’t keep procrastinating!
You’d be surprised.
Did you really…
With that whole…
him) Get out!
George’s apartment exterior, afternoon
is dancing all by himself with the loud music on. He seems very happy)
Oh yeah! Make it ring, baby! Make it ring!
song ends & George notices that the ring actually comes from the telephone.
George pauses the stereo & picks it up)
George’s neighbour, Mrs. Goldstein. She sounds very annoyed & irritable)
George, this has got to STOP!!!!
Do you want me to call the police????!!!! Come on!!!!!!! What’s WITH
you???????!!!! My head explodes, the entire house is shaking, I CAN’T TAKE
But Mrs. Goldstein, please, try to understand… My therapist recommended loud
music for me… She said that it would calm me down, & well… It really does…
WELL you know what calms ME down GEORGE?????!!!! A good nap in the AFTERNOON,
& I can’t have it because of your INSUFFERABLE music!!!!!!!! EITHER YOU
stop it RIGHT NOW, or I’m calling the POLICE on you!!!!!!!! (Slams the phone
holds the phone for a few more seconds. Then he puts it back)
Fancy restaurant exterior, night
& Greg are sitting in a dimly lit booth. They appear to be having a great
Greg, I have to tell you, you have an excellent taste in movies! I mean this
was the best movie I’ve seen in years! It was really moving!
Yeah well, it could’ve been better if it wasn’t for that annoying bloke who
kept making snide remarks about the movie. (Laughs slightly)
Oh yeah, I hate those… (Rolls her eyes, obviously thinking of Jerry) So do you go to the movies often then?
Pretty much. You could say that I’m quite the movie buff.
Oh yeah, a movie buff… Why do they call it that anyway? I mean bookworm makes
sense because worms eat books, but a buff? What’s a buff?
waitress approaches them)
(in a perky waitress voice): Hello, my name is
Cindy & I’ll be your waitress for tonight. Would you like to start with a
ELAINE (smilingly): Yeah, I would like to have a coke please, & what about you
makes a cancellation hand gesture)
smiling): Nothing for him then.
Coming right up. (Leaves. Elaine notices that Greg is staring at her)
Are you OK?
Well you don’t look OK to me! Why are you looking at me like that?
I’m not, I’m not… Just forget it OK?
Oh come on, tell me!
awaits his answer)
It’s just that, well…
ELAINE (impatiently): Yeah?
think you may be… (Takes a deep
breath) An eccedentesiast.
eccedentesiast. Someone who fakes a smile. You know, kinda like on television.
Wait a minute, are you accusing me of faking a smile? W… Why?
Well the way you talked to that waitress… You were obviously faking it.
Well I was just being polite! You can’t accuse me of being… That… Thing, based
on one case!
it’s not just with her. You did it with the ticket vendor, the popcorn vendor,
even the usher! How could the usher see you smiling? It’s dark inside the
theatre! Just be natural!
Look you remind me too much of my ex-boyfriend Jerry, this is exactly why I
stopped dating him. I can’t put up with this stupid nitpicking all day.
Goodbye. (Gets up & leaves)
Hey, wait! I didn’t…
Jerry’s building exterior, noon
is standing in the kitchen whilst both Elaine & George are sitting by the
So he basically accused me of being an eccedentesiast!
A smile faker!
& you actually remember this word?
How could I forget? It was the most stupid accusation I’ve ever heard! What was
he thinking? (Notices that George looks down) Hey
what’s with you?
It’s that damn Mrs. Goldstein! She just had to
interrupt my bliss!
Oh you don’t mean…
That’s exactly what I mean! How could she do this to me Jerry? I mean I don’t
drink alcohol, I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke cigars or cigarettes, girls
wouldn’t date me, girls wouldn’t even touch me! Playing air guitar was the
closest I ever got to having a little fun!
bursts in with a key in his hand)
Hey Jerry, guess what! Bob Saca… (Turns around to see Elaine & George) Oh hello there.
ELAINE (reluctantly): Yeah, hi.
as well): Hi.
stares at them for a few seconds then turns back to Jerry)
So anyway Jerry, my friend Bob Sacamano gave me his magic key, figuratively
speaking of course. (Smiles his horse smile)
You know that old shelter in the Central Park? Well, that’s what opens it. (Clicks
Since when does Bob Sacamano own a shelter?
Oh he owns it all, baby. (Clicks his hand like a gun at Elaine & clicks
Hey wait a second Kramer, does the shelter have electricity & such?
Why sure George, it was built for people to live in for months.
That’s exactly what I need! Could I have the key?
Why sure you can George. (Throws him the key) But
I must warn you George, Newman is already using it.
Piling up mail he doesn’t feel like delivering.
But I thought he has that other place for this purpose.
Oh it got too full.
Does Newman ever deliver mail to people?
When he feels like it (shrugs).
Yeah yeah yeah, so anyway Kramer do you think there’s enough space in there
with all of the mail?
Are you kidding me? This shelter is huge! Why you could fit a circus show in
there, including the audience!
Great! This is just what I need! Thank you Kramer, you made my day! Well see ya
guys, I’m gonna check it out! (Leaves the apartment)
He doesn’t mean…
That’s just what he means.
short pause. Both Jerry & Elaine look at him bemused)
off of it): Well this is it then, tonight’s the
laughs): & you really plan to tell her the
Oh of course not, I’ll just make up something, you know me.
Shelter exterior, night
is dancing in the shelter to the sound of his loud music. A large heap of
undelivered mail is in the far corner from him)
HAHA! OH YEAH! EAT THIS MRS. GOLDSTEIN!
WOO HOO! (Jumps in joy)
the door opens. Newman is there with a great looking girl. George immediately
stops dancing & pauses the stereo)
Oh Newman, hi! I was just messing around with…
him) Say no more, my celebratory friend! Kramer has
already told me all about your little scheme. (Grins evilly)
Well then, if you don’t mind… (Smiles awkwardly)
Oh no George, I’m afraid you’ll be the one who shall leave the shelter, for
Samantha over here appears to be keenly interested in other people’s
undelivered mail, right now! (the girl smiles).
She’s quite the voyeuristic type you see (Grins evilly again).
Where the hell did you find her?
NEWMAN (sulks): None of your business!
Oh come on Newman, it’s not fair! I’m here right now because I know that you
put mail here only in early mornings! You can’t do this to me!
He who has the key sure can. (Smiles coyly)
grits his teeth, he looks upset but then all of a sudden he comes to his
You know what Newman, I think we can reach a solution here.
The next day, Jerry’s building exterior, then his
speaks to George over the phone. You can see them both as they are separated by
a line, as in a telephone conversation)
So get this Jerry, I actually made an agreement with Newman!
The same Newman who lives in my building? Kramer’s friend?
Yeah! Well come on, there’s gottabe a human being under all of this, well… Ah
So what’s the agreement?
I get to use the shelter from 15:00 to 19:00, & he gets to use it for the
rest of the night. If either of us wishes to use it mornings or noon, we will
flip a coin.
But that way he gets to be there more than you do! It doesn’t sound very fair
I don’t care Jerry, I don’t care! Just as long as I get the shelter all by
myself to listen to loud music uninterrupted! Four hours is enough time for me.
If you say so. Well anyway, was nice talking to ya.
Hey wait a second, where are you going?
Alicia’s finally coming over.
I thought you broke up with her last night!
Oh no but you see, Kramer just had to use my kitchen sink in order to make more
of those keys. Could you believe he actually bought a key maker?
So now I’m gonna have more uncalled for visitors?!
Nah don’t worry about it, he’s only making ‘em in case either of you three
loses his key. (A buzz is heard) Well that’s
Alicia at the door, I gotta go George, see ya later. (Puts phone down &
answers the door)
Who is this?
Come on up. (Buzzes her in)
bursts in the door)
Hey Jerry, listen, I need to see if I forgot some keys over here.
Not now Kramer, Alicia’s on her way up.
Alicia? (Freezes) But she’s the…
JERRY (angrily): I know, I know, just leave already.
leaves & meets Alicia on his way)
Oh, hello there (chuckles & leaves)
What’s with your neighbour?
Oh, no… Thing (Avoids looking at her)
it): Is there something wrong?
Oh no, not at all (Walks towards the couch so he won’t have to look at her)
Come on Jerry, tell me! You can tell me anything!
towards the kitchen In order to avoid her face again) Well do you want a Snapple?
Oh alright, alright! (Finally looks at her) I’ve
fantasised about you during my private time!
Is that all?
normal all of a sudden) Well, yeah…
ALICIA (smilingly): Well that really makes me happy! It means you’re attracted to me!
Come on, tell me all about it!
Oh no please, you really wouldn’t wanna know…
Oh come on!
Well, if you insist…
Jerry’s apartment, fifteen minutes later. Jerry &
Alicia are sitting on his couch.
ALICIA (crying): This is the eeriest, freakiest thing I’ve ever heard!
to console her by caressing her head): But you’re
the one who asked me to do it! Come on!
No Jerry! I thought you’re a nice, moral guy! I can’t believe you actually have
those… Those… Those sick images in your head! I’m leaving! (Gets up &
her): But… But… (Shouts at the doorway) Well at least I didn’t pretend your belly button talks!
Monk’s exterior, noon. Elaine is sitting
there all by herself putting sugar in her tea. Greg walks in & approaches
Thank God I found you here! Listen, I’m really sorry for the other night, I
have no idea what I was thinking that!
Well, what do you mean?
Are you forgiving me that easily?
Yeah, sure! I’m not the kinda girl who bears a grudge you know (smiles).
That’s great! I really didn’t wanna hurt you, you’re a wonderful person.
If you say so… (puckers her upper lip upwards)
Hey listen to this joke I just heard – Two psychologists meet so one of them
says “You’re doing fine thanks, how about me?”
a pause) Whoops.
Why did you just say whoops?
Oh you know, because of your… Joke.
You didn’t find it funny, did you?
No, I didn’t… Sorry.
Well you could’ve laughed you know.
How could I laugh if I didn’t find it funny?
You could’ve been polite about it.
ELAINE: (sardonic) Oh I see, so it’s wrong to fake a smile with a waitress, but it’s
OK to fake laughter with you?
I’m dating you.
Not anymore I’m afraid. (Gets up to leave).
Hey no, Elaine, come on!
the doorway) Sorry Greg, maybe when you’re done
being all… Jerry (grins and leaves).
himself) Who’s Jerry?
Post office exterior, noon
manager, mister Briggs, sits in his chair. A knock is heard on the door)
You wanted to see me, sir?
BRIGGS (sternly): Sit down, Newman.
(Newman sits down)
Mister Newman, recently we’ve been receiving too many complaints about
undelivered mail in your route. Do you happen to know anything about it?
coy): Why dear sir, why should I know? You know
that it is my moral duty to deliver mail to all of my happy customers.
They are not “your costumers”, mister Newman! They are tax-paying citizens who
deserve to receive their mail on time!
being coy): Why of course, mister Briggs! &
why, may I ask, would you think that I am doing
BRIGGS (angrily): Listen here, Newman! I’ve had enough of your smarmy attitude! Now
I’m not stupid, I know you’re up to something! You’re free to leave now, but
don’t you think I’m done with you!
NEWMAN (sulks): Very well. (Gets up & leaves)
Briggs picks up the phone & dials a number)
PHONE: Cohen detective agency, how may I help you?
Shelter exterior, early morning. Newman
unloads a huge pile of mail into the shelter. He doesn’t notice a bloke in a
car who’s spying on him.
building exterior, noon
is in the kitchen, talking to Elaine who’s sitting by the table)
So now she’s upset with me!
So? Girls always come & go for you.
But don’t you see? Alicia is a very sociable person! She knows like twenty-five
percent of the girls in Manhattan! She’s gonna tell them all about me!
Oh relax! How are they gonna recognise you!
Because she’s also told them about my act, she watched my act & so did her
friends! What am I gonna do?
Well at least you’re not dating someone who thinks you’re an eccedentesiast (puckers
upper lip etc.).
You don’t mean…
Oh I mean! Jerry, this guy is impossible! He’s too much like you! First he gets
upset for faking a smile to a waitress, then he gets upset for not faking laughter with him!
A-ha, so you did fake that smile.
You see? (Acting all desperate)
bursts in the door)
Now Jerry, what is this? I mean, come on WHAT IS THIS?! I know you’re a
comedian, things get to you, but THIS?!?!
What are you talking about?
Well I just bumped into Martha from floor 15, & she told me…
him): Oh no, it’s already started!
Oh relax, it’s probably just a coincidence!
coincidence? Don’t you mean… An eccedentesiast? (Grins)
Oh shut up.
Post office exterior, noon, the next day
Briggs is on the phone)
Yeah, hello. I’m the manager of the central Manhattan postal office & I
have evidence that one of my employees is not delivering the mail as he’s
supposed to. Now I’m thinking of a surprising ambush here…
(The next scene shows Jerry in various
places – The supermarket, Monk’s, the street etc. He attempts to talk to girls
but they all reject him)
The next day, Monk’s exterior, noon.
(Jerry and Elaine are sitting in their
JERRY: So you
see? I told you this was going to happen!
ELAINE: Oh big
deal! As if you don’t enjoy being a bachelor!
JERRY: Sure I
do, but not this way!
ELAINE: (giggles) Are you
actually embarrassed by all of this?
JERRY: It’s not
about embarrassment, it’s about control!
you see? Before this whole story had begun I had the choice, I could’ve chosen
to date a girl, I could’ve chosen not to, & either way I could’ve broke it
off; But now they’re the ones choosing for me!
ELAINE: So let
me get this straight, you’re OK with being single, just as long as it’s your
ELAINE: What is
this, some kind of an inferiority complex?
of which, where is George? I haven’t seen him lately.
neither… Guess he’s in his shelter.
(A ring is heard. Jerry takes a cellular
phone out of his pocket & talks)
hello. (pause) Yes I’m here, why? (pause) You don’t say… (pause) Really? (long
pause) Well what do you know!
I’ll meet you here then! Bye! (Puts phone back in
Alicia! Turns out one of her friends actually thinks my fantasy means something
deeper so we’re going out again! She’s meeting me here in five minutes.
ELAINE: Back in
then, I’m off. I’ll see ya later.
JERRY: Just try
not to laugh!
(Elaine smirks & leaves. Outside, she
bumps into Greg)
don’t tell me…
GREG: Oh come
on Elaine! One last chance! I really like you! Do you think I would’ve come
here to ask about you if I wouldn’t have cared?
alright, you’ve convinced me. (sighs)
GREG: Shall we
take a stroll down Central Park then, my fair lady?
the hell (takes his arm & they leave)
Shelter exterior, noon
(George is listening to his loud music
again, dancing. Suddenly two policemen, a black one & a white one, break
down the door in, followed by mister Briggs. George immediately pauses the
stereo & stops dancing)
where is Newman?
Probably with Kramer, why?
BLACK COP: So
there are three of you, then.
are you talking about?
You’re under arrest, sir. & we are confiscating the stereo & CD’s so
that your friend Newman will get them delivered to their rightful owners!
are you talking about? These are my CD’s & this is my stereo! I bought them
with my own money!
Either way you’re accused of not reporting a crime. Now come with us. (The cops handcuff him & take him away)
GEORGE (squirms): No! NO!
You don’t understand! I only wanted a quiet place to listen to music in!
BRIGGS: Sir, with
all due respect, & even though it is none of my business, quiet is the last word one
could use to describe what you’re doing here!
Central Park, noon. Elaine & Greg are
strolling the park.
GREG: You know,
this could be a really good place for a romantic picnic.
wouldn’t say no to that (smiles).
(All of a sudden they notice George being
dragged by the policemen coming towards them)
ELAINE!!!! ELAINE!!! You’ve GOTTA HELP ME!!!! PLEASE TELL THEM I DIDN’T DO
(Elaine bursts into laughter)
BRIGGS: Give it
up buddy, it’s over!
GEORGE (being dragged away from there): Just take me to Jerry!!! Let me find Jerry, he
could explain this to you!!!!
(Elaine keeps laughing. Greg stares at
GREG: Do you
know this man?
ELAINE (comes to hear senses slightly but still laughing): Yeah, why?
you gonna help him out?
ELAINE: (smiles) Oh that’s
OK, you dunno George.
GREG: Well you
know what Elaine, I don’t wanna know you either.
ELAINE: (confused) What
are you talking about?
should laugh at his friends when they need him!
ELAINE: Well I
didn’t intend to laugh, it was just funny!
GREG: Well you
shouldn’t have laughed at him, it’s insulting!
ELAINE: So now
you’re telling me I should also fake not laughing?
GREG: When it
comes to a friend!
ELAINE: (confused) What?
Quick cut to Monk’s exterior, then the
inside. Jerry & Alicia are sitting there chatting & laughing.
you’re saying that the whole thing basically symbolises insecurity?
what Shanna told me. She’s a psychiatrist you know.
(All of a sudden the policemen, Briggs,
& George gets in)
GEORGE: Here he
is! Jerry, you’ve got to help me! Tell them the stereo is mine!
JERRY (chuckles): What
happened to your little hideout?
ALICIA: OK that
does it! (Gets up & leaves)
ALICIA: (almost crying)
After I’m being convinced that your fantasy is perfectly normal I find out that
you’re hanging out with criminals!
Criminals? What criminals?
know about Newman too, Jerry! All of the packages he was supposed to deliver!
ALICIA: I’m out
of here. (Walks out crying)
(Jerry tries to say something, but
ultimately gives it up)
Monk’s exterior, morning, the next day.
Jerry, George, Elaine & Kramer are sitting in their booth.
ELAINE: So what
GEORGE (reluctantly): I
ended up with a fine.
& that’s a really bad pun Jerry!
JERRY: I know,
I know… I’m just upset that Alicia broke up with me again. Now she’s gonna tell
everyone I hang out with criminals!
you know Jerry, some girls are into that type! (makes
his gun gesture)
Whatever. Say Elaine, what’s up with Greg?
ELAINE: He blew
me off for smiling & laughing in inappropriate times. Besides, he’s more
into cruciverbalists anyway.
who like doing crossword puzzles.
JERRY: The man
sure does read a lot, huh?
Kramer, didn’t Newman get in trouble with the shelter & all?
yeah. He’s lost his job for a while now.
you know what that means… (Looks at Jerry)
JERRY: Oh you
what I mean.
The next day, early morning, Jerry’s
building exterior, then the apartment. Jerry wakes up as he hears weird noises
from the kitchen. He goes to the kitchen & turns on the light. Kramer &
Newman are there, grabbing food from the fridge.
Jerry. (Grins evilly)